TIL:
I have failed as a father to my son.
My wife and daughter are out of town with my mom, and MIL to go to my oldest daughters graduation. I wanted to go, but some complications at work have forced me to be stuck at home this weekend.
My son was obviously disinterested in going.
Backstory:
Friday after school let out, my ladies went to get their hair done, and then were on the road. My son decided to be a sneaky bastard. So while I am toiling away in my home office correcting some vital reports for work, he decides to sneak his long standing girlfriend over. Normally, my wife would murder him. But since I could not hear the back door open and close, I did not know what was going on.
Last night I ordered pizza for the both of us, and resumed work. Now my friends, this is where his true blue dumbass self shines.
His bedroom is above mine. Around nine o'clock, he cranks his stereo, thinking I did not know that trick. I mastered that trick, and it still got me in trouble. So I let it slide. I figured he deserved the benefit of the doubt. How wrong I was.
I start hearing a steady thumping. Then I hear the god worship, and then his name being called over the music.
Stupid fucker.
AND then the best part.
He screamed "OUCH!"
My wife is a nurse. She works the maternity ward normally, but also nurses for the OBGYN. She specifically sat the two of them down as they are sexually active. The girlfriend consented her doctor and my wife who was the nurse at the time in the office to tell my son what is going on.
His girlfriend has a rare condition, where if things go just right, her vaginal muscles clamp harder than normal. I think it is rare, not sure. But its not like "oh yeah thats fucking tight." No, Its more like "Mother of god please dont rip my cock off, I will be good." Kind of deal.
This asshole had forgotten this, in his bout of sneakiness.
They both start screaming bloody murder, as she is having major cramps, while he is now locked inside her. They both scream for help, and I laugh my ass off all the way to the room.
I've seen my boy naked before, no big deal. And gf swims in the pool often and hangs with my daughter so yeah. This light turquoise haired girl is cumming on my son, while hurting him, and suffering herself.
I swear, I wanted to pack a suitcase, and just leave them there. But I call my wife, who was already at the hotel. She starts cussing, then laughing after I fully explain to her what happened.
Two options:
take them to the er as they are. (Oh I wanted to do this and take the long way around. so everyone can see them.)
or help them into the hot tub, and get it super warm to hot and let them soak until everything calms down.
So I fired up the hot tub, and placed the idiots in it.
After half an hour of soaking, they were freed. I drove her home to get some sleep wear, since her parents were away for the night.
"Why would you let a teenage girl sleep at your house? aren't you afraid of him knocking her up?"
Because, first off, I dobut they will be fucking like rabbits any time soon, and second, she is on BC and has been for a couple of years now, just for this problem of the cramps outside of her period.
Also, her parents thought she was staying overnight at a friends.
So we rented a movie on the satellite, and watched it, until they passed out.
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This morning was the most awkward breakfast ever. They could barely say two words to each other. So I went ahead and told them this story:
"Me and your mom had been dating for almost two years by this point, and we were stepping up our sex game. So there was a house in the neighborhood that was being renovated, and there was a small dump truck sitting out front. It had not moved in a couple of days, so we figured no one could see us inside, so yeah, lets fuck in it. It had a soft pink cotton like stuff in it, and that was awesome.
Ten minutes later...
We both jump out naked, scratching our bodies as something was making us itch horribly. We were rolling around the smooth asphalt trying to get the itching to stop. Turns out, with absolutely no surprise, we were fucking on old insulation. The super itchy kind. We were taken to the hospital and scrubbed and all. My mom and dad would not talk to me driving me home. Would not speak to me for the whole weekend. Monday, me and my gf had to go to school covered in this weird lotion crap, and it was not fun. Soon our reputations would get the better of us, as our friends would always suggest better places to have sex. Always. Even to this day.
That memory seemed to make things better.
After lunch, and us swimming and doing absolutely nothing, her folks came and got her. They were more facepalm than mad and all was okay. EXCEPT....
Had to take my son to the er after he was complaining that it hurt to pee. His Urethra was crushed a little, and it would take some time to heal. He was lucky that it was not fucked permanently. And he did not even get to cum. Not that I cared.
So how I failed him?
I thought I taught him to remember shit before jumping into bed with a girl.
condoms? Why, shes on BC, Because, get used to wearing them anyway, because she takes an antibiotic, and your fucked. or you might want to put it in places that might not be as clean as others.
Lube? (why dad? Cause you asshat, some women might be all the way into it, but not get wet like in porno. Dipshit.)
Remember that your gf's pussy will fucking wreck you if you are not careful? NOOO
So I failed, and almost lost any future grandchildren to carry my name.