-
Still A Virgin
"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
-
Thanks Becca, I needed a good lawyer joke..... :emot_kiss:
Especially since she and I are trying this without one. Gonna be tough. Hope our communication doesn't break down for the next 6 months.....Gonna be a lot of tongue biting so we can get all the details ironed out....
Janus
-
Heehee, loved it. The best jokes are the shortest.
-
well she sure will get screwed but probaly not the hole she is thinking.
-
Thought I posted a reply... trouble with getting old... great start to a new thread... thanks Becca...
Now for something a bit different...
Here's a little poem for you (seniors).
Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.
There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about 'Living in the Past'.
We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
and after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
and while the night away.
We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car.
We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.
That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up,
before you're too darn old!
And not a bit of sex in there... :'(
vinney
-
Continuing the theme: "The golden years have come at last I cannot see I cannot pee I can not chew I cannot screw My memory shrinks My hearing stinks No sense of smell I look like hell! My body is drooping Got trouble pooping The golden years have come at last. The golden years can kiss my ass!"
-
It's hard to find, for love or money;
A joke that's clean and also funny!
But the heck with clean jokes. That's why I hang around here!!!
-
And when you say hang, you mean.....
-
That's what he said coach...
three quickies...
Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!
Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!
Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs...?
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face
vinney
;D
-
OAPS and oral sex
Two old age pensioners are having a 69.
After 5 minutes he says "Sorry luv the smell’s too bad down there - I can’t carry on."
"That’ll be my athritis" she says.
"What? I never heard of anyone having arthritis in their fanny before."
No she says "It’s in my arms and hands. . . and I can’t wipe me arse."
-
Daughters.
This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says:
"Hi, I’m Freddy. I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The man, slightly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave. A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says:
"Hi, I’m Jim. I’m here to see Kim. We’re gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?"
The guy, now perplexed, says yes and the two take off. Few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says:
"Hi, I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re gonna go to the show. Can she go?"
The man, now kind of annoyed says yes and the two depart. Sure enough, after few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says:
"Hi, I’m Chuck..."
and the father shot the little fucker.
-
Three old guys were sitting in the park feeding the pigeons.
The first old fellow says " Boys, it sure would be grand if I could take a normal piss in the mornings."
The second old fellow says " I see your point. I sure would like to be able to take a nice healthy crap when I get up too."
After a bit of thought the Third fellow says to his friends, "Well mates, Every morning at 5:30 I let go of a nice long piss. Then around 7:00 or so I take a large satisfying dump.
My only desire is that I would wake up before 8:30......" :D
Janus
-
Ahhh, the golden age... :P
-
Things The Wife Doesn'T Use
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain."
The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing some much worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colours didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now."
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?" The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"
-
That's another notch in the bedpost Ms Dancer...! Great one...! Top of the form Becca...!
Now, about wives not using things anymore... are you doing anything later...?
vinney
-
Good one, TD. If she's not her husband's anymore, Vin, i don't think she'll want yours... ;)
-
:emot_laughing:
vinney
-
That Scrawny Mutt? No Way!
A man wanted a big, verocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs.
The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.
"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.
"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."
They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.
"Ah," said the buyer, "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."
"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."
The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.
"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.
The buyer was flabbergasted.
"You're joking!" he exclaimed.
"This dog seems quite tame he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!"
"I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
-
Will that really be good enough to take the taste away...?
:emot_laughing:
vinney
-
:emot_weird:
:o
:emot_laughing:
Janus
I been missin' the girls lately...So this is a bit of a tribute...EP, Brianna, Liz....Come back.......
:emot_kiss: too you all
-
Lawyer jokes i never have a problem with. :P As long as it's not like Perry Mason or The Good Wife getting eaten...
-
British Hospitality
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around and eventually stops at a pub to try a pint or two of English beer. He continues sight-seeing and after a while, finds himself in a very high class area. Large stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.
He desperately needs to go, after all those pints of beer. He sees a narrow side street with high walls surrounding an adjacent buildings, and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby who says, "You can't do that here sir!"
"I'm very sorry officer," replies the American, "but I really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
"Ah," said the bobby, "just follow me!" He leads him into the back alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby, "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured lawns, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call British Hospitality?"
"No sir", replied the bobby, "It's what we call the French Embassy."
-
The Angry Passenger
An airline flight was cancelled due to a technical fault, and the check-in girl was busily re-booking a long line of weary travellers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the front of the queue, slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight, right away!"
The check-in girl replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to help you, but I've got to deal with everybody in the queue first."
The man unimpressed shouted, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without any hesitation, the check-in girl grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice clearly heard throughout the terminal.
She continued, "We have a passenger at Gate 14 WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him laughing hysterically, the man glared at the check-in girl and swore, "FUCK you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too!"
-
A Strip Club Treat
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she decides to take him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey Dave, how ya doin?"
His wife puzzled, asks if he's ever been here before?
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, the waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "Are you sure you've never been here before?".
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife is furious and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her, but she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
-
Grandpa Tries Viagra
Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their kids overnight when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.
He asked the son about using one of the pills but the son said, "I don't think you should take one, as they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one. I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50 bill."
The next morning, the son found $110 under his pillow.
He said to Grandpa, "I told you the pills were $10 not $110."
"I know," said Grandpa, "The hundred is from Grandma."
-
The French are always getting it up the arse. ;) Loved the Viagra joke.
-
All very funny jokes Vinney. Thanks man. It's been a long day and tomorrow is going to be even more so. It's nice to have a chuckle when ever you can find one.
Janus
-
One afternoon a maid told the lady of the house, where she worked, that she'd like a raise. The woman was irritated by the maid's request and asked her why she felt she deserved a salary increase.
"Well ma'am," the made said, "there are three reasons I think I deserve a raise. The first is that I am better at ironing than you are.
" Who told you you're better at ironing than I am?" the woman asked.
"Your husband told me," the maid replied.
"I see," the woman responded, clearly annoyed.
The maid continued and said,"The second reason I think I deserve a raise is because I'm a better cook than you are.
"Nonsense,"the woman said. "Who said you're a better cook than I am?"
The maid replied,"Your husband."
"Fine," the woman said angrily. "What's your third justification?"
"My third reason for thinking I deserve a raise is that I'm better in bed than you," the maid answered.
Furious, the woman said," Oh,and did my husband tell you that as well?"
"No ma'am," the maid replied. The gardener did."
"Oh," the wife said, getting out her checkbook. "So how much more did you say you wanted?" 8)
Janus
-
It would have been easy for her to just say blackmail. Just not as much fun. ;)
-
Nice one Janus...
:emot_laughing:
The gardener... he wasn't called Mellors per chance...?
vinney
-
I knew it was the gardner all along, always wanting to plant his seed....go figure!
vinney....loved the viagra joke, thanks sugar. :emot_kiss:
-
Deputy Sheriff
A local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.
After a series of questions that the blonde failed, the sheriff asked in desperation one final question:
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted:
"I don't know!"
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to a restaurant where some friends were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde couldn't be happier.
"It's my first day on the job, and it went great."
"I'm already working on a murder case!"
-
Good one Becca. Love the blond jokes
-
Can't keep a good 'un down... another great laugh from our sugar...
vinney
:emot_laughing:
-
I know right? Blondes, just gotta love 'em!
-
You gotta love those blondes... :P
-
Different Views From Different Pews
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance:
1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for
food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right toleft. Now, look again, It now says: HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
-
Great joke becca.
-
Hmmm... Never knew they were into ass... :P
-
No GG... it was a donkey...
vinney
;D
-
Never knew they were into either... ;)
-
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!
-
Loved the donut joke. Thanks, Coach!
-
Top of the class Coach...
nice to end the day on a laugh...
vinney
-
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
-
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
-
An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on the plane.
The plane was delayed due to some technical problems. Just after eventually taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.
When the charming hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything.
He replied, "Oh No! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol."
The elderly doctor promptly handed his gin and tonic back to the hostess and said,
"Madam, I didn't know there was a choice."
-
Great jokes, Vin!
-
A guy goes into a costume shop.
He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
-
Cause I'm Blonde
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only couto four, but I
counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
'Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? a, b, c, d, e,f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! !" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
-
LOL...vinney, love the jokes you posted, especially the one about the 54 year olds, good stuff.
-
great... 25 year old blonde joke...
:emot_laughing:
vinney
ps... typical...!
-
It's always a joy to wake up to a pleasant joke. Thank you guys for posting so many.
Janus
-
All great jokes. Thanks everyone for posting
-
Loved the 25 year old blonde joke, heehee :P
-
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."
-
Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"
Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"
-
Why do men name there penises?
Because they don't like the idea of a stranger making 90% of their decisions..
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelliigent man?
Bigfoot has been spotted several times.....
A man who had just finished golfing with his buddies boarded a bus with one of his front pockets loaded with golf balls. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde, and after a few minutes he noticed she kept staring at the bulge in his pants. Finally he said, "It's golf balls."
"Oh," she replied. "Does that hurt as much as tennis elbow?" :roll:
Janus
-
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail...
he tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked,
'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied,
'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...
...You must be a POLITICIAN.'
-
Yeah, guys get golf balls all the time. :P
-
Don't Lie to Mom
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother.
-
I laughed out loud...too funny.......
Janus
-
What was mom doing in Julie's bed masturbating with the gravy ladle? :P
-
Bad Motorway Driving
Driving to work this morning in the fast lane of the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was this woman in a brand new Jaguar doing just 50 mph, with her face right up to the rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, she was halfway over into my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily but she scared me so much that:-
I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the toast out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and soaked my trousers, ruined the phone and disconnected a very important call.
Damn Those Stupid Women Drivers!
-
You sounded just like my father. 'Stupid women drivers'... :P
-
And everyone else's father GG
-
And my mother would counter it with 'stupid men drivers'. It was neverending. :P
-
Two Priests
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation. To improve their chances of having a real vacation, they decided not to wear anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying their drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead, gorgeous, blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
When she passed them,she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits - outfits so loud you could hear them coming before you even saw them. Once again, they settled down on the beach to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde came walking toward them. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, said "Good morning Father," and walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it.
"Just a minute young lady," he said. "Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know: how in the world did you know we are priests?"
"Father,it's me, Sister Veronica."
-
Holy shit... that's a good start to the day...
:emot_laughing:
vinney
-
Between Becca and Vinney, I can always count on a good laugh to start my day
-
They must be lousy priests if they couldn't recognize one of their nuns... :P ;)
-
They must be lousy priests if they couldn't recognize one of their nuns... :P ;)
To busy looking at the alter boys
-
I think the alter boys would recognize them on vacation, too... ;)
-
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!",
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!",
She looks at him, "BUT, they are sperm samples???" ,
"DO IT!".
So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.",
So the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says,
"See honey - its not that hard."
-
The length a husband will go to get a suck and swallow... :P
-
The Drunken Farmer:
So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says,
"If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."
He grabs her butt and says,
"If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."
The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says,
"And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."
-
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. T
he man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
-
Can't say i feel sorry for old Bernie... ;)
-
Poor devil... Bernie has to take it one way or the other...
vinney
:roll:
-
Buying Barbie
Gordon was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?"
She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $275.00."
Gordon asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $275.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious." the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture . . . "
-
What a rip-off...! shop keepers and divorce lawyers... grrrr...
vinney
-
The Whole Truth
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him £5 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him £10 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the milkman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The milkman drops his bottles, opens his arms and says:-
"Then come here and give your father a big hug."
-
Haha vinney, didn't see that one coming, thanks sugar.
-
Buying Barbie
Gordon was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?"
She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $275.00."
Gordon asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $275.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious." the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture . . . "
If this wasn't so very true I'd laugh my ass off. Well maybe in a few yrs I'll be able to look back and chuckle about it.....LOL
Janus
-
Great on Vinney.....The milk man....Go figure...... :emot_laughing:
Janus
-
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
-
You gotta watch the little people, coach...!
:emot_laughing:
-
Way In.
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine if admission will be granted. In one room a clerk sits and inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant explained that his last day was not a good one. “I got home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She said she had just got out of the shower but her hair was dry and the shower was dry too. I knew she was up to some hanky-panky and began to look for her lover. I went to the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found him clinging to the rail by his finger tips.
“I was so angry I bashed his fingers with a flower pot and he let go and fell. His fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. Seeing he was still alive I dragged our antique cedar chest to the balcony and threw it over. It hit the man and killed him.
“At this point I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The clerk thanked him and sent him to the next room.
Just then the second applicant walked in. He said his day was even worse. “I was on the roof of the apartment block working on the air conditioning. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab the balcony rail on the 9th floor when some idiot came rushing out and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell and hit some awnings and thought I had survived but when I looked up I saw this huge chest falling towards me. I couldn’t get out of the way. It hit and me and I was killed."
The clerk is still giggling when his third applicant entered. He apologises and says, “I doubt if your last day was as interesting as the man in here just before you...”
“I don’t know about that,” replies the man.
“Picture this, I’m stark naked, hiding in this cedar chest, when...”
-
The things people will do to get into heaven... :P All great jokes this morning, thanks for sharing! And stay away from goblins...
-
(http://77.247.181.97/big/b/a/s/bassdrive/bassdrive_c0f113.jpg)
like I said... you gotta watch the little people...
vinney
-
THE DOCTOR AND THE BUMBLEBEE
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love.
All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina.
The husband nodded and gave his approval.
The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina.
After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."
So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
-
Three Guys In A Bar
Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.
After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."
-
Law Can Be So Dirty
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW
BUT AREN'T:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number one thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
-
Great lawyer jokes. Loved the doctor and the bee. ;)
-
Lewinsky's Official Statement
Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered the President's firm denial:
"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. "This may be aload to handle, but when things get hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on. "I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. Thank you."
Monica Lewinsky
-
So there Mr President...
(http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQwVH8LFmWCYXWhmOP1Q4gfuLyTBvOYcETDTOuTHSf1Hnnm05j8)
shall we try again...?
vinney
-
A Texas Midget
There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached and hurt almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table and told him to drop his pants.
The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the right testicle and asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor again and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles were still hurting.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around, and discovered he had no pain at all.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel a thing. But, what did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
-
A Breakfast Treat
The wife is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
The husband wanders in, still in his pajamas.
She turns to him and says, "I need you to make love to me this very minute."
His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she just says, "Thanks," and returns to the kitchen stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"
She explains, "Well, the egg timer is broke."
-
College Students
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow."
She continues, "I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student and says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
-
Haha, another thing we can put on the "Useful For" list.....egg timer. Loved the jokes vinney, thanks for sharing.
-
Wives and teachers sure can be cold... :P The midget joke was a good one.
-
Cause I'm Blonde
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only couto four, but I
counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
'Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? a, b, c, d, e,f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! !" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
She really exists!!!
http://www.kristensboard.com/forums/index.php?topic=13569.0;topicseen (http://www.kristensboard.com/forums/index.php?topic=13569.0;topicseen)
-
[This is an old one and may not be 'political correct' :P ] A doctor at a mental hospital took a group of the patients to a ballgame. Once at the game he led them to their seats and said "Sit, nuts!" and they all sat. When it was time for the National Anthem he said "Up, nuts!" and they stood up. After he told them to sit again. Not long after the vendor came around yelling "Get your popcorn! Peanuts!"
-
hehe....Cute
Janus
-
A Golfer's Perfect Shot
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity, looking up and down, measuring the distance, figuring out the wind direction and speed.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Why don't you hit the blasted ball."
The golfer answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, so I want to make this a perfect shot."
His partner replied, "Forget it, man."
"You don't stand a chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
-
In Too Far
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
-
Was that a country joke? ;)
-
:emot_laughing: You make my mornings vinney, always nice to start the day laughing.
-
Two deaf people got married.
During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
"Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. but if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."
-
Back in the days of the old Wild Wild West...
Back in the days of the old Wild Wild West lived a guy named Red who used to have a lot of fun.
He rode into town like he usually did every Saturday night, and he went into the saloon and got drunk. All of his friends saw him drinking and decided to play a trick on him.
So they went outside and turned the saddle on his horse around. That way they figured when he got outside drunk and they put him on there, he would get on home the best way he could! So when it was time, he got real drunk and staggered outside, got up on his horse and rode off.
The next morning when he woke up he says, "My goodness!"
And his wife says, "What's a matter dear, don't you feel alright?"
He said, "Yeah, but I sure had a tough time getting home last night."
"Some son of a gun cut my horses head off, and I had to guide him all the way home with my finger sticking in his windpipe!"
-
A young couple got married.
On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."
-
Great jokes! 'If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis fifty times.' ;)
-
50 times...? Ought to be 69 times...
:emot_laughing:
vinney
-
Hey, it was your joke, remember? :P
-
He Said She Said
He said...Want a quickie?
She said...As opposed to what?
He said...I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
He said...Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
He said...This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said...No problem, I'll get you some that is.
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said...It's not my fault. I ran out of money.
He said...Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
He said...If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.
She said...Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener as well.
He said...You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said...No, have you?
He said...Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
He said...What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said...Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
-
HE SAID... Why are you all talk and no action? You talk about all the dirty things you'd do to me but you never do them. SHE SAID... Would you rather i said nothing at all?
-
HE SAID: You don't have boobs, you have booblets.
SHE SAID: Why darlin' between my booblets and your dicklet we're a match made in heaven!
(True statement, hehe)
-
But someone else's true statement, right? ;)
-
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, but she dutifully stayed by his bedside every single day. One afternoon he finally opened his eyes. When he did, he looked at his wife and said, "You've always been with me through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed with me, and when my health started failing, you were STILL by my side. So you know what?
"What, dear?" his wife asked, smiling bravely.
"I think you're really bad luck, he said..... :D
Janus
-
as told to my wife by our son
What has 52 teeth and holds back a monster
My Zipper
(http://ravishpics.com/images/62563856716946740132.jpg)
-
Any guys here think their wife really is bad luck? ;)
-
None of us would dare to...
:roll:
vinney
-
OH, we would dare to, just not outloud
Of course, that type of question could only be asked by someone not married ;D
-
That guy picked the worst time to tell his wife she was bad luck... ;)
-
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........
"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ?!"
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
I didn't see that one coming...
vinney
-
Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.
He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."
A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"
She replies, "I lost it, honey."
A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"
Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"
-
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
-
Give that kid an A+ for using them all in one sentence! :P
-
Hope I am not reposting anything.
Superman is flying one day, and happens to see Wonder Woman laying out naked on a roof. He thinks to himself "I am faster than a speeding bullet. I could fly down there, screw her, and fly away before she knows it."
Down he flies, bangs her as fast as he can, and flies away.
Wonder Woman looks around. "What the hell was that?"
"I dunno, but my ass is killing me!" says the invisible man.
-
An old couple were sitting out on their porch one evening. The woman reaches over, and smacks her husband on the arm.
"Hey, what was that for?" he demands.
"That was for fifty years of bad sex."
They sit silently for a little while longer when he reaches over, and smacks her back.
"Why did you do that for?" she asks.
"That's for knowin' the difference!"
-
Little Billy- "Mommy, mommy! I'm tired of running around in a circle!"
Mommy- "Shut up, or I will nail your other foot to the floor!"
-
Bad pun time.
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cP1LVsgWvt8/TVlmUNV2f5I/AAAAAAAAArM/PK2kv5nPhes/s1600/Schindlers+Escalator.JPG)
It's Schindler's lift!
-
If we are posting inappropriate jokes
A professor at a University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Hamad replied, "Oh, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
-
Yeah, how did that old lady no the difference? :P
-
A 90 year old man married a 19 year old girl and he was talking to his friend who was amazed and wanting to know all the details.
His friend asked "Is she a good cook?"
The old man said "She doesn't cook."
The friend then asked "Is she good in bed.?"
The old man answered "I don't know."
The friend, shaking his head "Then why did you marry her?"
The old man replied "Cause she can drive at night."
-
LOL, can I find me one of them to. Night vision is not what it once was.
-
You Are My First
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.
He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says...
"Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
-
Unfaithful Wives
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
-
Two dwarfs
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to make love with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?".
The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection".
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"
-
Twenty Push-ups
A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.
After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.
As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.
He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying,
"Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."
-
Hmmm, i was wondering what the jockey and dwarves were doing under my bed... ;)
-
VERY funny Vinney, the two dwarf joke made me snort!
-
The Creation of a Pussy
Seven wise men
with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy
to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish
and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.
-
First visit
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.
"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."
"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing...
"but I'd rather have my husband's baby."
-
A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
-
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.
On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.
From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies:
"She choked."
-
That guy must've been blonde... ;)
-
that was good...and completely unexpected
-
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."
-
Dianne goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.
"Well, what is it?" he asks.
"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Is your boyfriend a Harley rider?"
The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually he is."
"That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
-
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
-
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem ...
In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself".
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.
At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?".
The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
-
Great joke Vinney
-
Thanks coach...
vinney
-
Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"
The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
-
Wow, i wonder if that really works... :P
-
You'll have to try it GG... so what colour bike do you want...?
vinney
:emot_laughing:
-
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks: "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to downtown cowboy ...'. And here I am."
-
A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, "I wish I had bigger tits".
The boyfriend says "Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months".
"How will that help to make my tits bigger?" asks the girlfriend.
"Well it worked for your ass" says the boyfriend...
-
Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful."
"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to my grilfriend's office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ... Father?"
Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
-
Too funny. I figured he'd have wanted to get found...LOL
Janus
-
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear:
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
-
Hey, Vin, who said i want a bike? ;) Good to see you go after blonde guys, too. ;)
-
Blonde And Her Job Interview
A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup."Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks - "What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead,"I was just running through that song - 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'
-
:D good one
Janus
-
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
-
WOO licks, good one
-
Haha, that was a good one licks, still laughing. Thanks for sharing.
-
Brilliant Licks... or should that be... brilliant...! Licks...?
vinney
:emot_laughing:
-
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
-
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.
When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.
One day, he comes in and orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!
Tis me ... I've quit drinking!"
-
Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles
Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they come, they're
wild and wet, and when they go they take your house and car with them.
An Irishman is not drunk until he can't move
THIS GUY WAS DRIVING IN A CAR WITH A BLONDE. HE TOLD HER TO STICK HER HEAD OUT THE WINDOW AND SEE IF THE BLINKERS WERE WORKING.
SHE STUCK HER HEAD OUT AND SAID "YES,NO,YES,NO,YES,NO,YES . . .
-
How about some dumb redhead jokes? ;) We need to give the blondes a break.
-
Funny GG... I couldn't find any..
:(
vinney
ps...
A woman in a northeast Pennsylvania art gallery is staring at an exquisite painting entitled 'Home for Lunch'. It depicts three very naked black men sitting on a park bench with their penises in plain view. But while all the men are black, the one in the middle has a pink penis.
"Excuse me," the woman says to the exhibits curator. "I am curious about this painting of three African-Americans. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"
"I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting," says the curator. "These men are not African-American; they're coal miners , and the fellow in the middle went 'home for lunch' to his redheaded wife.
pss...
Q: Whats the difference between a redhead and a home?
A: Everyone wants a home...
Q: How can you tell if a redhead has been using a computer?
A: There's a hammer imbedded in the screen.
Q: Why is it that Redheads don't get along with other women?
A: Because other women whine even more than men do.
Q: What's the difference between Redheads and Pitbulls?
A: Pitbulls aren't always trained to kill.
-
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q.What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q.What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.
Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..
Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hair balls.
Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?
A: Crust.
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.
-
Nice stuff Vinney. Good morning too you too.....
Janus
-
Thanks Janus... you too... have a good day...!
vinney
-
Why Italian fathers and grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
-
Notice Vinney ended the redhead jokes early. He couldn't take the abuse from all the redheads hanging over his shoulder as he posted those jokes. ;)
-
No GG... gotta say I love redheads... hot stuff... and ok... some may be hot-headed... but I told 'em all that it was dear friend Geminiguy who insisted on having the jokes posted...
:roll:
good luck...!
vinney
-
No worries. I can deal with redheads... :P
-
Weather Forecasting
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
-
:emot_laughing:
Typical...! Over here weather forecasters have trouble telling you what the weather was like yesterday...!
vinney
-
Since when can weathermen predict the weather let alone the future? :)
-
On the new the other day there was a clip of Prince Charles doing the weather. He was actually pretty good at it.
-
Yep Becca he was... bet you didn't realise the Royal Family were that hard up they needed part time jobs to make ends meet...
vinney
-
THE SUNBURNT MEMBER
A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.
He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"
-
THE BLONDE CONTRUCTION WORKERS
Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE,
then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got really angry and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!"
-
ROFL.....damn vinney that was funny, you sure know how to pick them. Thanks sugar!
-
I wonder how the blonde thought we loaded 'em...
-
Intelligence test:
Patrick O’Reilly went for a job on a building site where he was told he must have an intelligence test before that could give him the job.
‘Sure.’ Patrick agreed.
He was taken into the yard and shown a wall where five shovels rested.
‘Now Patrick, I’d like you to take your pick.’
Patrick walked over and examined the shovels, looking puzzled he turned round and said,
‘Oh bejezus, I can’t find a pick...’
Needless to say he passed the test and got the job.
-
Paddy O’Malley was driving the Belfast to Dublin express train when he saw ahead of him the level crossing gates were only half open. He rammed on the brakes and the train came to a shuddering halt outside the signal box, not yards from the crossing gates.
Paddy rushed up the steps into the box and shouted at the signalman,
‘Seamus O’Toole, why are the crossing gates only half open...?’
Pouring a cup of tea Seamus replied,
‘Ah Paddy, ‘tis like this, you see, I was only half expecting you!’
-
Law Can Be So Dirty
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW
BUT AREN'T:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number one thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
-
Ha Ha .....I remember that one...It was posted earlier...Great one too... :D
Janus
-
Q. How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?
A. Somebody left the plunger in the toilet.
Q. How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her?
A. Rearranged her room.
Q. What do you call Helen Keller and Ray Charles playing tennis?
A. Endless Love
Q. How did Helen Keller's parent's kept her busy?
A. They put her in a round room and told her to sit in the corner.
Q. What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater?
A. That's the worst book I ever read!
Q. And why does Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?
A. She moans with the other.
-
Images of Michael Jackson are to appear on cans of Pepsi to mark the 25th anniversary of the release of his album 'Bad'.
So, nearly 3 years after his death, he's still finding his way down children's throats.
-
Oh NO you did'nt... fun
Images of Michael Jackson are to appear on cans of Pepsi to mark the 25th anniversary of the release of his album 'Bad'.
So, nearly 3 years after his death, he's still finding his way down children's throats.
-
Hot Air Ballooning
A man is lost in a hot air balloon somewhere over Ireland.
He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back, "You can't kid me ya bastard, you're in that fucking basket!"
-
Suspect I'll upset a few ladies with this... but... I'm sorry... really I am...
Male Chauvinist Pigs FAQ's
1.Q. What is worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A. A woman that won't do as she is told.
2.Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened when she brings it to you.
3.Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
4.Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
5.Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
6.Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. They don't need one. There's a clock on the oven.
7.Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A. The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
8.Q. What food have scientists discovered that diminishes a woman's sex drive.
A. Yes, it's Wedding Cake.
9.Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. The simple answer is because they want to.
10.Q. Will women ever be equal to men?
A. Not until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Well... I did say I was sorry...
vinney
-
Retirement In Alaska
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far away from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets his groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After 6 months of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge bearded man is standing there.
"Name is Larry, your neighbor from 40 miles down river. Having a party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 7:00 PM"
"Great", says Tom, "After 6 months out here, I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Larry is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you though.... be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too!"
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too!"
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been alone for 6 months. I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't matter much.... Just gonna be the two of us."
-
(http://forgifs.com/gallery/d/50412-1/Shaniqua.jpg?) (http://forgifs.com)
-
Tom won't be at the party then. lol Hey, Vin, i laughed really at your male chauvinist pig jokes. Sure, they're not PC, but they're funny as hell.
-
Images of Michael Jackson are to appear on cans of Pepsi to mark the 25th anniversary of the release of his album 'Bad'.
So, nearly 3 years after his death, he's still finding his way down children's throats.
Welcum back, Insatiable! We missed your wit and wisdom (and hot pix) over these last months!!!
-
Quickie In A Restaurant
A man goes into a restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu, scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK! and storms away. A man sitting at the next table then leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche.'"
-
:emot_laughing:
Rather fond of a quickie quiche myself...
vinney
-
ROFL....no shit!
-
So I was going to post this in the WTF thread but really, funny shit here. There is a good chance that she will be having kids....
(http://ravishpics.com/images/82788345294554223986.jpg)
-
Q Why did Sara fall off the swing
A She had no arms
Knock, Knock
Who's there
Not Sara
-
Recipe for a perfect marriage
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas .
3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburettor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
-
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this , I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."
-
Those were some evil jokes, but i can't stop laughing! ;)
-
Mother Nature
There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right.
They decided that since the shots were so bad, they'd just meet up at the hole.
So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn't come out.
Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.
She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year."
The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.
Mother Nature said, "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?"
The man looked up and said, "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows."
-
Well, then, i'm glad it wasn't me in the pussywillows... :P ;)
-
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband...
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
-
After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.
"I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
My wife sighed and says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”
-
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you.”
But the girl said “NO!”
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and Johnny accepts her proposal.
Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
-
Vinney, I came home got changed and read this joke....Laughed my ass off....
Janus
-
Loved the nun joke and the nagging husband joke. I'm not crazy about marriage jokes especially when the wives are evil incarnate.
-
Thanks for the Woo Janus... glad it made you laugh... and GG... thanks for the comments...
vinney
;D
-
He Said, She Said
He said. . . I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!
He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.
-
LOL, so mean to the men today :-*
-
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine , and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do.. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight ?"
He looked her up and down and said, "Mission Accomplished."
-
:roll: Becca...! Is that how you see us...?
;D
vinney
-
LOL, ya'll know I was just teasing. *chuckles*
-
Good one Rick.
-
Lots of jokes seem to get repeated, but some are too good just to post once.
-
I second that coach...
vinney
-
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
"One, you have a dirty mind,
"Two, you didn't read your homework,
"And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
-
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you pop back from the darts and see for yourself."
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said. "But why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know," he said, "but the fucking darts team hadn't!"
-
Gotta love the church lady!
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its >strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
-
Gotta love the dart team coming over unannounced. That little old lady was a hoot, too. :P
-
Both jokes were great....Thanks again Vinney.....
Janus
-
When a person yawns do deaf people think their yelling?
-
Good question, why don't you ask one?
-
Dumb Blonde
I once knew a blonde who was so dumb that she...
1. Called me to get my phone number.
2. Spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
3. Put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
4. Tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
5. Sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
6. Tried to drown a fish.
7. Thought a quarterback was a refund.
8. Got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
9. Tripped over a cordless phone.
10. Took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
11. Asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
12. Studied for a blood test.
13. Thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
14. Moved when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home.
15. Took the 22 bus twice because she missed the 44 bus.
16. Turned around and went home when she arrived at the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left."
-
If a deaf boy swears in sign does his mom wash his hands with soap.
If you don't pay for your exorcism do you get repossessed
An older man had serious hearing problems for many years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear 100%.
The old man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The man replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
-
If your blonde friend was started to death at #8, how'd she do the rest of that dumb stuff? :P
-
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ! ! ! " shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question ..." What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted,
"If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted ...........
-
Subject: 7 types of sex, Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called:
Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you
both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called:
Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time And you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called:
Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called:
Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long when you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called:
Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called:
Social Security Sex. You get a little from time-to-time, but not enough to live on.
-
I loved the Mary Margaret joke. How many people get to make their teacher faint. ;)
-
Completing my education was very important to my dad, so when I was 18 he told me this Army joke. If I have to explain it to you, just send me a PM.
Little Johnny was all dressed up in his fatigues playing Army. Little Mary watched for a while then asked him if she could play with him.
"Sure," said little Johnny. "I'm a Ranger and we're gonna run through the obstacle course."
The started the makeshift course that little Johnny had constructed, and at the first obstacle, they had to scale the fence. Little Johnny waved little Mary on up the ladder and over the fence, and followed her closely behind, looking up her summer dress. They ran across the next yard to a picnic table, and little Johnny waved little Mary ahead, so she crawled under the table with little johnny crawling close behind, looking up her dress.
They ran to a large tree, where there was a knotted rope dangling from a high branch. Again, little Johnny waved little Mary ahead, and she climbed the rope and stood on the first branch. Little Johnny again stared up dress as she climbed up.
Little Mary waited until little Johnny had climbed up beside her, and she leaned over to him and said, "Johnny you are always looking up my dress, would you like to lick me there?"
Little Johnny blushed, grinned, and said, "Oh no. I'm only a pretend Ranger."
-
A radio station ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives.
The final four were:
4th Place.
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willy last night.'
After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."
3rd Place.
"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs.
I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'.
My entire family - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.
2nd Place.
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax supersize".
But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system:
"Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer?"
1st Place. And the winner is . . .
This happened at a major University, during a biology lecture.
A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?"
The professor responded, "yes, that's correct", adding some statistical data to his lecture.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class - and never returned.
However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question.
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."
-
Okay, number one was hilarious. Number four was downright spooky...
-
6 Minutes Late
There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.
This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''
George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''
-
:emot_laughing:
grrreat one...
vinney
still :emot_laughing:
-
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional."
The second guy says, "I'm a DINK. You know, double income, no kids."
The third guy says, "I'm a RUB. You know, rich urban biker."
They turn to the woman and ask, "So what are you?"
The woman replies, "I'm a WIFE. You know - Cook, wash, iron, fuck, etc."
-
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
-
What do women have in common with bowling balls?
No matter how many times you pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter, they always come back for more.
-
Shopping for a Husband
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
-
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
Vinney that just busted my gut.....Fucking hilarious....
Good show old chap...
Janus
-
You know how to find them Vinney I gotta hand it to ya....Great to read these every day...Thanks man...
Janus
-
Only six minutes late? Hell, i'd say fuck golf period! ;)
-
Microsoft Vs. GM
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
And...
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
-
Oh, i thought you said Microsoft vs. Grm... My bad. ;)
-
Le Camel
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.
On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."
The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.
As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
-
;D
Another good 'un....
keep on making us laugh...
good start to the day...
vinney
-
I had a feeling the guy had the wrong idea... :P ;)
-
One evening, the rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.
While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."
-
Q: What is 69 and 69?
A: Dinner for four.
Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)
Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q: Why is life like a penis?
A: Because when it's soft it's hard to beat, but when it's hard you get screwed.
Q: What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions.
Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?
A: Your last blow job - Ever!
-
There were three women were at their gynecologist having pre-natal checkups. The doctor asked the first woman, "In what position was the baby conceived?"
"He was on top," the first woman replied. "You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top," was the reply. "You will have a baby girl," said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked the doctor.
The blonde replied, "Oh no! Am I going to have puppies?
-
A guy dies whilst making love to his wife.
A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?"
The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!"
The undertaker does as he is told.
On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear,
"It fucking hurts doesn't it!"
-
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank fuck for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
-
Lots of dirty jokes today. Just the way we love them. ;)
-
TV Purchase
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
-
True Blonde
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
-
Smart Rednecks
"Hello, is this the police?"
"Yes, what do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, cops descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
-
Three great jokes Becca...
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
vinney
-
Not so smart rednecks. Then again, if they're looking for free meal and board - courtesy of the police dept. - then maybe they are... :P
-
True Blonde was really funny. Thanks, TD!
-
Confessional Specials
A priest is called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he calls a rabbi friend and asks him to cover for him. The rabbi tells him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest says he'd show the rabbi what to do. The rabbi agrees and he and the priest both enter the confessional.
In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?" The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say three Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and sin no more."
A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?" The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say three Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Just once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
-
:emot_laughing:
-
How true Janus... I'm with you...
:emot_laughing:
vinney
-
That was insane. Loved it!
-
Well Thought-out Explanation
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"
-
LOL, I remember when this joke was posted a few weeks ago. I enjoyed it as much today as I did then....
Janus
-
The Best Bumper Stickers
•Honk if anything falls off.
•Illiterate? Write for help now!
•Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
•Horn broken.... Watch for finger.
•If you're not a hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
•To all you virgins out there: Thanks for nothing!
•Stop lights timed for 30mph, are also timed for 60mph.
•If that phone was up your butt, maybe you'd drive better.
•Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
•If you don't believe in Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
•If sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong!
•Constipated people just don't give a shit.
•Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
-
Gentlemen... you may not like this... but...
Q:What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for air and yelling your name?
A:You aren't holding the pillow long enough.
Q:Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be hell.
Q: Why do all men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
Q; Why did God create man before woman?
A:Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q: Why do men name their penises?
A: Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
Q:How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
A: He starts bathing twice a week
-
And ladies... you may not like the short response... but...
Q: What does a woman and carpet have in common?
A: If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them later.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Q: Where does vinney go after posting these?
A: I dunno... I'm still running...
-
That's the safest thing to do, Vinney. Keep running. :P
-
It's in the title GG...
-
Guess My Age
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a news stand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
-
Punk'd by an old lady! Where's Ashton Kutcher hiding? ;)
-
Damn that's a good one vinney...still laughing. Thanks sugar! :emot_kiss:
-
Paradisal Justice
Three men who died the same day were presented before God. The almighty showed particular interest in their sex life.
The first one replied that he never had an affair before or after he was married. God granted him a chauffeur-driven Cadillac.
The second man admitted he had some affairs before he was married but none afterwards. God gave him an Ambassador car.
The third man confessed to having had lots of affairs. God gave him a scooter.
A few days later the man with the scooter saw the fellow with the chauffeur-driven Cadillac sitting by the roadside and crying. The scooterist asked him why was he upset.
Replied the Cadillac owner, "I've just seen my wife ride past on a bicycle."
-
Out of season but they say start early for Xmas... so here goes...!
A Christmas Poem
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!
-
Can I hide in your Cassock?
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair
remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have
really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they
will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under
your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not
lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask
you any questions", and she gave him the hair remover.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented
himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my
son",he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the
sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument
designed for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"
-
This one was texted to me earlier today:
Why do girls rub their eyes as soon as they get up in morning?
-> Coz they don't have balls to scratch.
-
Why do girls rub their eyes as soon as they get up in morning?
-> Coz they don't have balls to scratch.
And we're all happy about that.....well OK Janus might not be ;D
-
Is your church Redneck?
Your Church Might Be A Redneck Church If:
- People ask, when Jesus fed 5000, whether the
two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait
was used to catch 'em.
- The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to
help take up the offering," then five guys
and two women stand up.
- Opening day of deer season is recognized as
an official church holiday.
- A member of the church requests to be buried in
his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
- With a congregation of 500 members, there are
only seven last names in the church directory.
- Baptism is referred to as "branding."
- People think "rapture" is what you get when
you lift something too heavy.
-
Loved the long Christmas poem, really loved the Redneck church jokes. My favorite was the five hundred members but only seven last names. :P
-
One wonders how there were as many as seven last names...? Still... I suppose they had to spread it about a bit...
:emot_laughing:
vinney
-
Fire Escape
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...."
-
Can you get blonde brain stains out of fabric? :P
-
Perfect Becca...
;D
vinney
-
Ridem Cowboy
The local yokel got married and his honeymoon was the first time he'd been off the farm.
He'd saved for twenty years for this, so could afford a classy hotel.
Checking in he said "Me and the new WIFE would like to hire your best room for a week"
"Certainly sir" replied the receptionist. "Would you like the Bridal"?
The yokel looked a bit uncertain, then said
"Naw, reckon not, a'll just hang onto her ears 'til a get the hang of it"
-
A Man At The Beach
One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.
But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.
Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"
The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."
He soon falls asleep.
Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.
Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done.
She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stamped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."
-
What men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
What women would do if they had a penis for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......
-
Years ago i heard a similiar joke to the guy on the beach who ended up in the hospital. It involved a country guy, his young visiting niece and a rooster... :P
-
Really liked the Bridal joke vinney, thanks for taking the time to share all these with us. :emot_kiss:
-
The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was
'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good Morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why?
OH, come on... Take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!! Not a lot, but you'll love it...
Everyone Knows...
You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!
-
The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was
'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good Morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why?
OH, come on... Take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!! Not a lot, but you'll love it...
Everyone Knows...
You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!
The pun police will get you for that, Vinney!
-
Seems I'm getting it in the proverbial every way today... hehe...
vinney
-
You really dragged that one out, Vin. :P
-
Ah... it's just the way I tell 'em...
:roll:
Sorry to disappoint you...
vinney
-
Not disappointed at all. :P means i'm messing with you. ;)
-
A Blonde At Work
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
-
Becca...! You love your blondes don't you...? Keep it up...(cough) the great jokes I mean...
vinney
-
Next time the blonde leaves work early she can come to my house. ;)
-
Performance Reviews
These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.
(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."
(2) "His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity."
(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
(4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."
(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
(11) "This employee should go far...and the sooner he starts, the better."
(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
(13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
(15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
(16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
(17) "He's been working with glue too much."
(18) "He would argue with a signpost."
(19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
(20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
(21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
(22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored...he's the other one."
(23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
(24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
(25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
(26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
(27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
(28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
(29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
(30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."
(31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."
(32) "One neuron short of a synapse."
(33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge he only gargled."
(34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
(35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
-
How did you get a copy of our exit interviews??
-
Hehe Eric....you know I'm gonna have to get me some *cough* payback for that remark.
-
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
-
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years
ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you
today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal||||||"
-
Both good ones Vinney. Can always count on you making me laugh
-
A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid's little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically.
The young man gives her a stern look and say, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q: Why couldn't they get the dead mans casket lid shut?
A: Because he overdosed on viagra!
Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long."
Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.
Q: What do you call ball's on your chin?
A: A dick in your mouth!
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
-
Both good ones Vinney. Can always count on you making me laugh
Thanks Coach... it's a pleasure to be pleasuring you... :roll: if you see what I mean...
vinney
-
I agree with Coach. I love the naked old couple in the kitchen and the newer ones had me rolling.
-
One day a mother was cleaning her son's bedroom. In the closet she found an S&M magazine. She showed it to his Father and asked what they should do. He responded "well, I don't think we should spank him."
Janus
-
A man was nervous about having his prostate examind.
To put him at ease, his Dr. said, "At this stage of the procedure, It's quite normal to get an erection".
"I don't have an erection" the man said.
"No" the Dr. replied
"But I do"
Janus
-
Black Box
Three old black ladies were getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.
The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties before I gets on that plane."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dere laying butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna find me first."
The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some fluorescent orange panties."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked.
The second lady answered: "Cause if dis here plane is goin' down and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first."
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties......
"What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief.
"Dat's right you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties," the third lady said, "cause if dis plane goes down, dey always look for dat black box first."
-
Good one Becca, didn't see that one coming
-
:emot_laughing:
Good one Becca...
vinney
-
Great additions to the thread Janus
WOO
-
Love those jokes with a twist, Janus. And the black box was hilarious, TD!
-
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!
Man Teases his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude how was the second-hand stuff?
New husband: Not bad. After the first 3 inches, she was brand new.
Prof teaching muscle movement, asks a lady: Do you know what your asshole does when you have an orgasm?
Lady: Sure, he's at the office, working!
Russian: Sir we got a huge order from usa for 16 inch condoms. I think it is to embarass us.
Boss: No problem! Complete the order and mark them SMALL SIZE.
Why is a woman's pubic hair curly?
So that it won't poke a man in the eye!
Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u hav to do it again.
Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
70 ways to make a woman happy: No. 1 is shopping & the rest is '69'.
What is Female Viagra
Jewellery.
Why are condoms transparent?
So that sperms can atleast enjoy the scene, even if their entry is restricted...!
What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another Woman trying to do a Man's job!
-
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed
'Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me.'
'But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead?'
'You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
-
This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy.
He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."
"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."
-
Newly married couple, both sex addicts, husband comes downstairs in the morning and the wife asks what he'd like for breakfast.
"Oh I think I'll have a shag please!"
So they go upstairs have a shag then he goes to work.
Husband comes home for lunch, "What would you like for lunch dear?"
"Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So again they shag and he returns to work.
Half an hour later he walks in the house and finds his wife sliding up and down the banister!
"What are you doin?" he shouts.
She replies, "I'm warming up your dinner!!"
-
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
-
So this guy's tired of life and fed up with not getting sex, so he goes to join the monastery. But there's a recruitment test. As the Abbott explains to the ten potential recruits, "My sons, we must be sure that you won't be troubled by sexual impulses if join the order. So we have a test for all our prospective members. Take your clothes off, sit on the bench, and attach this bell to the end of your penis. When the naked woman comes into the room, any man whose bell rings will have failed the test. He won't be allowed to join our order, and must leave at once, for he will be sorely troubled with sexual thoughts while he is in our midst."
So the men, young and old alike, sit on the bench with a little bell tied to the end of their cocks, waiting expectantly. Then the most beautiful young blonde with big tits waltzes into the room and starts walking slowly down the line, teasing the men as she goes. Not a sound. Not a single erection, not a single bell rings. Until she gets to the end of the line and pushes her butt into the man's face.
Well, it's all too much for him - his cock shoots up, the bell rings furiously and goes flying off across the room with the force of his erection. "I'm sorry," he mumbles, confused and embarrassed, "I'll just pick it up and leave." So he bends down, naked butt upwards, balls dangling, and from behind him comes the tinkling of nine little bells....
-
So the goat understood him when he asked 'Who's seen MY cock?' lol
-
Vinny!!! Thanks, I have needed a good laugh all weekend.
-
Thanks vinney for all the good laughs....woo woo woo! :emot_kiss:
-
Just found this and it made my day. Thanks vinney (and have a woo!)
-
Slip Of The Tongue
A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye. "Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
"Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!" The man continues, "What's your story?"
The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,' but I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch.'"
-
Hmmm, who would 'accidently' say "You ruined my life, you stupid b***h"? lol
-
Someone who's really not thinking of his filters and says what he's really thinking.
-
Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers.
A. Well hung.
Q. What do lesbians and Wheat Thins have in common.
A. One is a Snack Cracker and the other is a Crack Snack-er.
Q. Why do they smear shit on the walls of a (use any social/ethnic group or county) Rednecks wedding.
A. To keep the flies off the bride.
Q Why do they call "Camels" the Ships of the desert.
A.Because they are full or Iranian sea men.
-
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
-
One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."
A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
-
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
-
Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
-
You were on a roll there, buddy! Great bunch of jokes. Boy, that boy planned out his revenge to the least detail, huh? ;)
-
Forgive Your Enemies
The preacher's Sunday sermon was, "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked all present how many have forgiven their enemies.
About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
Now about 80 percent held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three." she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, "It's easy, I just outlived all those bitches.
-
Woo dat......
Janus
-
Each time I click on this thread I tend to find a new joke. These past few were great and found myself literally laughing out loud. Good job to all who have contributed and thanks for making my day a lot brighter.!!!
-
There's a hilarious juxtaposition of thread titles on Recent Posts right now...
Pictures that make your pulse race!
Spay / Neuter your pets!
Sexy lingerie...
And who says KB doesn't have something for everyone!
-
A young boy was looking through an old family photograph album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"
"That's your father." she replied.
"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"
-
Two friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming,
"A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!"
The other friend said, "Don't worry, I'm going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!"
So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says.
"It's ok", the doctor replies, "all you have to do is suck the poison out."
The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friend asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The other friend replies:
"Doctor said you gonna die!"
-
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant... about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
-
Hilarious! Especially the last two, Vinney. Thanks!
-
Grandma's Idea
One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on!
So he goes up to his grandpa and says "Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?" His grandpa replies "Yes Jimmy, I do."
Jimmy then says "Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?"
His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds "Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea."
-
Sounds like grandma's horny... ;)
-
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
-
Haha, I reckon she told him....good one vinney. Thanks sugar. :emot_kiss:
-
An apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day.
The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever. People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground."
The banana says "You think thats bad? People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor."
The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy. You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, massaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"
-
A King had to leave his Kingdom for some business. He was afraid that his only Daughter would be taken advantage of by some of the Guards because she was a very deep sleeper. So before he left, he slipped a razor blade between the lips of her vagina.
The King left. That night, three of the Guards did plan to Fuck the Princess.
The First Guard went into her room. From outside of the room, the other two Guards listened. Suddenly, they heard the First Guard scream. He came out. The other two Guards asked why he screamed. Embarrassed, he said that it was so good that he couldn't control himself. This made the other two smile.
The Second Guard went in. After some time? Ahhhhh!!! The Second Guard came out. The Third Guard asked what happened. Just as embarrassed as the First Guard, the Second Guard said that it felt so good that he couldn't control himself. The Third Guard smiled.
The Third Guard went into the room. He went up to the Princess and lifted her dress. Outside, the other two Guards listened. Mmmmmhhhh!?! The other two Guards took off!
The next morning, the King came back. He suspected that his Guards tried to fuck his daughter. He told them to drop their pants. Each of them did. Two of them had sliced dicks, but the third one didn't. Confused, the King asked why.
He stuck his tongue out and said, 'I neba pry fuk ur dahta, I welly lik ur dahta!'
-
Chinese Detective Report
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE
-
Loved the butcher and the detective jokes. He deserved twice his fee. :P
-
Beach in France
A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.
"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"
"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."
"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.
So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl."
"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."
"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.
"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?"
"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"
-
Blonde One Liners
Did you hear about the blonde that put lipstick on her forehead so she could make up her mind?
Did you hear that they found another "Heaven Gates" cult member? Yea...it was a blonde and she was under the sink looking for the comet!
Did you hear about the blonde that threw away her weight loss video because she noticed that the people on the video were not losing weight either?
Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
A: Because they go answer the door.
Q: Why is it a blonde can not have more than a 10 minutes lunchbreak?
A: Because otherwise you have to retrain her.
Q: What do you call a couple of blondes in the front seat of a car?
A: Air Bags.
Q: Do you know what is black and blue and found in a ditch?
A: A man who told one to many blonde jokes.
Q: What do you call a blond with a Chainsaw?
A: Dead.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of waterskis?
A: She's still looking for a lake with a slope.
Q: There were three third graders walking down the street a redhead, brunnette, and a blonde. Which one had the best figure?
A: The Blonde, she was 18.
Q: What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde guy and a blonde girl?
A: The blonde girl's sperm count is higher.
Q: How do blonde's brain cells die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you make a one arm blonde fall out of a tree?
A: Wave to her!
Q: What do you call blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes!
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was going to have a baby?
A: I hope it's mine.
Q: Why did the blonde turn into the ditch?
A: She left her blinker on!
Q: How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
Q: Why did the blonde jump off the cliff?
A: Because she thought her Maxi-pad had wings.
Q: Why don't blondes like to breast feed their children?
A: Because it hurts when they boil their nipples.
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: You knock on the door.
Q: Why can't a blonde make kool-aide?
A: She can't figure out how to fit 2 quarts of water in a kool-aide packet.
Q: What is dumber than two brunettes that tried to build a house at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Two blondes that tried to burn it down!
Q: What's blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: Why are Blonde's coffins shaped like a triangle?
A: Because everytime their head hits a pillow their legs open.
Q: What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes?
A: An interpreter.
Q: How does a blonde get hurt raking leaves?
A: She falls out of the tree!
Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde who had a bumper sticker that said, "ALL BLONDES AREN'T DUMB?"
A: No one could read it because it was hung upside-down.
Q: Why do blonde's like sunroofs?
A: More legroom.
Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chainlink fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to kill herself?
A: She jumped out a basement window.
-
WOO Becca... great jokes... but watch out for them blondes... if they ever manage to understand your collection you could be in trouble...!
:emot_laughing:
vinney
-
Chicago
A nun was traveling to Chicago by air. She sat down at the gate waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw a weight machine that tells your weight and fortune. She thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine, stepped on the scale and put in her quarter. Out came a card that said, "You're a nun and weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."
She sat down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, so she decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine, stepped on the scale and put in another quarter. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument in my life."
She sat back down. From nowhere a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. She picked it up and began playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."
Back to the machine. She put in another quarter and the card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind."
Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong. "I've never broken wind in public a day in my life." Well, she tripped getting off the scale and broke wind.
Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."
She went to the machine, put in a quarter, and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you have fiddled and farted around, and missed your plane to Chicago."
-
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, you know what I miss most of all?
She asks, What?
Sex!! he replies.
Mildred exclaims, Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!
I know, Harold says, but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.
Well, I can oblige, says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, Parkinson's.
-
THAT IS FUNNY!
-
There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."
10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...
Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.
Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"
No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.
"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.
"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"
-
One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels.
As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again.
Again, she finds that she cannot manoeuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step.
Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus.
The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!"
Nonplussed, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."
-
A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.
One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go tohell."
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."
Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it."
So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?"
She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to hell!"
They were shocked and asked why.
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?"
-
You are on a roll vinney, all three of those were great, and a WOO for those lost 5 inches.
-
Gee thanks Becca... I'm embarrassed now...
vinney
-
Senior citizens and housewives are always doing or saying stuff that makes us laugh like crazy.
-
One morning an Englishman is having breakfast in Paris, (coffee and toast) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation..
Frenchman: 'You English eat the whole bread?'
Englishman 'Of course.'
Frenchman (after blowing a huge bubble): 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ...'
The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat marmalade with your toast?'
Englishman: 'Of course.'
Frenchman (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling): 'We don't. In France we eat fresh oranges for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into marmalade, and sell the marmalade to England.'
After a moment of silence, the Englishman asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'
Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'
Englishman: 'We don't. In England we put them into a container, melt them down and recycle them into bubble-gum, and sell it to France.'
-
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person
can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit,
turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
"I outlived the bastards."
-
NOAH TODAY.
In the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Newfoundland and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a Building Permit. I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
“My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations.
“We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a variance.
“Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
"When I started gathering the animals the SPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
"Then the Environmental Canada ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
"Immigration are checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
"To make matters worse, the Canada Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 Years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
“No,” said the Lord. “The Government beat me to it.”
-
All good jokes Vinney but I do have to say that I liked the old lady joke more then the old golfer one
-
Loved the bubble gum joke, Vinney. Thanks!
-
A blonde walks into beauty shop, earbuds in from her MP3 player, and is eventually seated in a chair. The beautician asks what she would like and she lets her know.
After a while the beautician is frustrated trying to work around the earbuds and the wire. She asks the blonde to remove them but the blonde says, rather firmly, no way!
The beautician continues to work and in a desperate act of frustration pulls out the blonde's earbuds.
After just a moment the blonde turns blue and eventually collapses onto the floor.
911 is called, emergency personnel arrive, quickly work on the blonde, load her into an ambulance and drive away.
The beautician, clearly upset with what happened, sees the blonde's MP3 player sitting on the floor. Curious as to what she was listening to she puts the earbuds into her ears and she hears: Breath in.....Breath out.....Breath in....Breath out....
-
Good one watasch...
vinney
-
Brunettes love blonde jokes.
-
Blondes, Bananas And Trains
Two blondes were riding a train for the first time. They had brought along a bag of bananas for lunch. Just as one bit into her banana, the train entered a tunnel under a mountain.
In the darkness was overheard, "Did you take a bite of your banana?"
"No."
"Well, don't. I did and I just went blind."
-
A Man's Quiz
1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss Sports Center
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to doing
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem--she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
-
C
-
Thanks, TD. I needed that laugh after what i went through on here last night. I feel bad for the blind blonde, too. :P
-
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/555821_416404245068682_992266859_n.jpg)
-
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, 'Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?'
Al replies, 'I don't know, let' s ask our waiter.'
When the waiter arrives, Al asks, 'Are there any Mexican Jews?'
The waiter says, 'I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.'
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, 'No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.'
Al isn't satisfied and asks, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos' replies, 'I check once again, senor!' and goes back into the kitchen.
The waiter returns and says, 'Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews.'
'Are you certain?' Al asks again. 'I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!'
'SENOR, I ask EVERYONE,' replies the waiter, 'All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.
-
Guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.
"Have you ever served in the military?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Namibia & Angola for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why do you want me here only from 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
-
Well, i don't drink coffee but i can scratch my balls, lol! I remember a joke with three men on a plane that needs to lighten it's load so it won't crash. Each man throws something off the plane that his country has too much of already. I know how the joke ends but does anyone remember how it goes?
-
The Official Blonde Sex Quiz
TRUE or FALSE?
1. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit in the Outback.
2. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird.
3. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
4. The G-string is part of a violin.
5. Anus is the Latin word for yearly.
6. Testicles are found on an octopus.
7. Foetus is a character in "Gunsmoke".
8. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
9. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
10. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
11. Sodomy is a special kind of fast growing grass.
12. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.
13. Douche is the Italian word for twelve.
14. An enema is someone who is not your friend.
15. Scrotum is a small moon orbiting Uranus.
16. Climax is a weather balloon.
17. Condom is a small apartment complex.
18. Menopause is a button on the VHS remote control.
-
What Day
A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.
While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.
I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW
P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."
-
That's one smart [ass] husband. :P And number fifteen of the Blonde Quiz COULD kind of be true, lol. ;)
-
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
-
Even grandmas need attention... ;)
-
Philosophic Questions
Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about
important stuff!
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?
If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of ONE?
-
I just showed your list to a blonde. Her head exploded. :P
-
Good points Becca. I've seen lists like this before but all of them are really WTF type stuff
-
They are all worth a chuckle and I have seen many lists like this before. In fact I have asked some of those same questions like why is there braille on a drive up ATM? However there was one question that really hit the nail on the head and I believe it is descriptive of politics today:
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I believe the answer is a resounding: YES!!
-
They are all worth a chuckle and I have seen many lists like this before. In fact I have asked some of those same questions like why is there braille on a drive up ATM? However there was one question that really hit the nail on the head and I believe it is descriptive of politics today:
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I believe the answer is a resounding: YES!!
Very simple answer to that question: the ATM is made of several major assemblies. When something goes wrong, the service technician just replaces a major assembly, such as the money dispenser or the control/display unit. The assemblies can be used in any type of ATM, whether walk-up or drive up. Having the braille on the unit allows it to be installed anywhere. If units didn't have the braille on them, they could only be installed ina drive-up unit, making the technician carry more than one on a service call.
-
They are all worth a chuckle and I have seen many lists like this before. In fact I have asked some of those same questions like why is there braille on a drive up ATM? However there was one question that really hit the nail on the head and I believe it is descriptive of politics today:
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I believe the answer is a resounding: YES!!
Very simple answer to that question: the ATM is made of several major assemblies. When something goes wrong, the service technician just replaces a major assembly, such as the money dispenser or the control/display unit. The assemblies can be used in any type of ATM, whether walk-up or drive up. Having the braille on the unit allows it to be installed anywhere. If units didn't have the braille on them, they could only be installed ina drive-up unit, making the technician carry more than one on a service call.
I prefer to believe that there are people out there with guide dogs in the passenger seat and braille gearshifts.
-
The way I have seen some people drive, I can believe that!
-
Hey, Marc Singer plays a real life blind man in the 8Os who drove a car and Rutger Hauer did it in Blind Fury so i'm with you guys! :P
-
Got my vote on that one also. After some of the drivers I have seen makes me wish to avoid any type of traffic.
-
The Penguin And The Icecream
A penguin was driving through Arizona on a hot, summer Sunday when he noticed his oil light was on. He got out of the car and, sure enough, it was leaking oil all over the road.
The penguin drove around the corner to a service station and asked the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic said he had a few others to look at first but if he came back in an hour he could tell the penguin what was wrong with his car. The penguin agreed and went for a walk.
He found an ice-cream shop and thought a big bowl of vanilla ice cream would really hit the spot, since he was a penguin and it was Arizona in the summer, after all. He sat down at the counter and started in on his ice cream. Of course he had no hands so it was rather messy. By the time he was done he had ice cream all over his flippers, and his mouth was a total mess.
He walked back to the service station and said to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?"
The mechanic replied, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No no," said the penguin. "It's just ice cream."
-
Army Fashion
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.
The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.
-
Never did care for brown-colored pants... :P
-
Turn Off Clinton
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."
Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"
Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can."
Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."
-
:emot_laughing:
Nice
-
Great one!!! I can't stop laughing!
-
Men
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.
Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Snow storms.
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they will last.
Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like....Newborn babies.
They're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.
Men are like.....Crystal.
Some look real good, but you can still see right thru them.
Men are like.....Dry cleaners.
Most work fast and leave no ring.
Men are like..... Laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of you.
-
The Irish Virgin
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
-
"Return to sender Address unknown No such number No such zone" ;)
-
Saw this on another list
-
Blonde Mailbox
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive
blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to
the mail box.
She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the
house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to
the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it
closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked
her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer
keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
-
President Clinton maybe...?
Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across.
Now, the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
-
John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man.
"I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
-
So this guy's tired of life and fed up with not getting sex, so he goes to join the monastery. But there's a recruitment test. As the Abbott explains to the ten potential recruits,
"My sons, we must be sure that you won't be troubled by sexual impulses if join the order. So we have a test for all our prospective members. Take your clothes off, sit on the bench, and attach this bell to the end of your penis. When the naked woman comes into the room, any man whose bell rings will have failed the test. He won't be allowed to join our order, and must leave at once, for he will be sorely troubled with sexual thoughts while he is in our midst."
So the men, young and old alike, sit on the bench with a little bell tied to the end of their cocks, waiting expectantly. Then the most beautiful young blonde with big tits waltzes into the room and starts walking slowly down the line, teasing the men as she goes. Not a sound. Not a single erection, not a single bell rings. Until she gets to the end of the line and pushes her butt into the man's face.
Well, it's all too much for him - his cock shoots up, the bell rings furiously and goes flying off across the room with the force of his erection.
"I'm sorry," he mumbles, confused and embarrassed, "I'll just pick it up and leave."
So he bends down, naked butt upwards, balls dangling, and from behind him comes the tinkling of nine little bells....
-
This bloke gets on a bus and sees a nun he rather fancies. Something to do with the black stockings maybe. Anyhow, he knows that if you don't ask you don't get, so he turns to her and says: "Sister, will you have sex with me?"
"Oh no," she says, shocked, "I can't possibly do that. I'm married to God."
Well, he's disappointed, but he sees her point, so he thinks that's that. But when he gets off the bus, the bus driver stops him - "Hey," he whispers, "I know how you can get to have sex with her!"
"You do?" the guy says, "quick, tell me!"
"Every Saturday night she goes to the cemetery to pray, and all you have to do is lie on one of the tombstones dressed in white robe with a false beard, tell her you're God, and she'll have sex with you!"
Well, he's skeptical, but why not? So Saturday night sees him in the cemetery. Sure enough, the nun comes in and begins to pray. "I am God," the man declares, keeping his hood low about his face, "and you must have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. Well, he's pretty desperate too, so he goes along with it and enjoys his romp with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries, "I'm not God, I'm the man in the bus!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun, "Guess what? I'm the bus driver!
-
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us. :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Got to love a girl with a speech impediment...
-
Oh damn Hoss that's fucked up :emot_weird:. And very funny too. Hahahahaha
-
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
-
The Betting With A Blonde
A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00pm news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial.
Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump.
Blonde: OK.
(Back to newscast : He jumped!)
Blonde: OK. I lost. Here's my $20 to you.
Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it.
Blonde: I insist. I lost.
Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00 p.m. news and I knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet.
Blonde: I know, I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to jump TWICE!
-
Depressed?
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.
I had to press 1 for English.
I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......
Folks, we're screwed.....
-
Screwed, lewd, and tattooed. ;)
-
A man walks into a watch and clock store, unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter.
The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid. She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir, this is a clock shop - not a cock shop!"
"Well," replies the man, "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?"
This guy's walking along the beach when he kicks a bottle. Much to his surprise, a genie flies out.
"Oh master," it declaims, "your wish is my command."
Great, thinks the guy, his chance has finally come!
"Genie," he demands, "give me a cock that touches the floor."
Whereupon both his legs fell off.
-
It's 2022 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. The first thing they see is a Martian couple. Mike and Maureen naturally want to know how they have sex. She goes straight to the point: "So how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Like you do, I think," says the male Martian, "but maybe we'd better check it out to be sure!" So, after some discussion, they all agree to swap partners for one night.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a tiny penis about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen, disappointed beyond belief.
The male Martian looks puzzled. "Why not?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to go inside me!"
"No problem," he says, and starts to slap his forehead with his hand. With each slap, his cock grows till it's actually pretty long.
"Well," she says, "that's very impressive, but it's still quite narrow...."
"No problem," says the male Martian, and he starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his cock grows wider and wider until it's huge!
"Wow!" shouts Maureen, before they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.
Next day the two couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike says to Maureen, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," replies Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," says Mike, "all I got was a terrible headache. She just kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
-
This man's in the line at the supermarket check out. But when he gets to the register he realizes he's forgotten to pick up his condoms. So he asks the checkout girl if she could have someone bring them.
She replies, "Of course, Sir, but I'll just check your size. Drop your pants please."
Wow, he thinks, this is great service, and he drops 'em. She reaches over the counter, grabs his cock, picks the store intercom and announces, "One box of large condoms to check out 10."
Well, the next man in line thought this was interesting and, so, when he gets to the check out, he tells the checker that he too has forgotten to get condoms, and asks if she could have some brought up to the register. Sure enough, she asks him to drop his pants to check his size, gives him a quick feel, picks up the store intercom and says, "One box of medium sized condoms to check out 10."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he'd seen was just so cool, and he'd never had any sexual experience with a woman, so this seemed like his big chance. When he gets to the register, he tells the checker he needs some condoms bringing up. She asks him what size, and he says he doesn't know. So she asks him to drop his pants for her to check. One quick feel, and she picks up the intercom and announces, "Clean up crew to check out 10!"
-
I have a little poem, I'll try to make it quick;
The subject is quite simple: the joy of owning dick.
A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.
It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen,
His testicles on either side, his willy in between.
It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.
It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.
Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.
During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.
But handle it with love and care, for it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure?
Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.
They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee!
Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.
Without this super organ, no shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.
It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee!
But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.
And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail.
And so I'd say with certainty
That every man just loves his tool:
But girls, be sure you never chew,
Just suck and fondle, lick and play,
But never, ever bend!
-
Hope this doesn't offend anyone....not aware of what is politically correct Stateside...???
INTER FAITH ...
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said,
"I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating,
"That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the Mormon replied,
"You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives.
One more and I'll have a golf course."
-
Frozen crabs, A Lawyer, And A Blonde Stewardess
A lawyer boarded a Jetstar flight in Perth , with a box of frozen crabs and asked the blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his Behaviour.
Shortly before landing in Sydney , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Perth, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ..... So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
-
vinney that's priceless.
-
Loved the condoms joke, the crabs joke, and the eighteen wives joke. Great stuff.
-
Loved the crabs joke and the condoms joke but in the UK service is not so good. You have to do your own extending before the checkout girl will measure it.
Also our condoms only come in two sizes - small and large (I believe it's the same as the US extra large and super XL sizes...)
-
Depressed?
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
. . . .
I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......
Folks, we're screwed.....
Watcher, great joke. This one made me laugh out loud. :emot_laughing:
-
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
-
Also our condoms only come in two sizes - small and large (I believe it's the same as the US extra large and super XL sizes...)
Just for you: :D
A young Londoner of noble birth, sporting a 20-inch penis, went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long.
“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “Is there any way you can shorten it?”
The doctor replied, “Medically young man, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch near Newcastle, on the River Tyne, who may be able to help you.” So the doctor gave him directions to the witch's place.
The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad tale.
“Witch, my penis is 20 inches long, and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?”
The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it. The man uncoiled his 20-inch penis. The witch stared in amazement, scratched her head, and then replied, “I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to the river's edge next to the forest. On the river bank you will find a three legged frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog, "will you marry me?" Each time the frog declines your proposal and says "no," your penis will be 4 inches shorter.”
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the bank and, sure enough, there sat the three legged frog on a log. He uncoiled his huge penis and called out to the frog, “Will you marry me?”
The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, “NO.”
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter!
“WOW!” he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, “This is great! But it's still too long at 16 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again.”
Once more he shouted to the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?”
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, “NO!”
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The man laughed, and shouted, “This is fantastic!”
His penis was now only 12 inches long, so he reflected for a moment. “Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal,” he thought. “So, I’ll ask the frog to marry me once more.”
Grinning, he yelled out one last time, “Frog, will you marry me?”
The frog looked at him completely mortified, and shaking its head in frustration, yelled back, “NO! NO! . . . and for the last time, NO!”
Crazy Brit. :emot_laughing:
-
A woman had lunch with two of her unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress. They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went...
The engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ''You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then the married woman had to share her story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, ''What’s for dinner, Zorro?"
-
Looks like Zero will be cooking his own dinner. :P
-
"In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear confrontations, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and be alert for bears while in the field. ...We advise that outdoorsmen wear small bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them, and to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter....
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smell like pepper. "
-
One evening, the rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.
While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."
-
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship, "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two?
-
Cindy and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they hadn't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Cindy said, "It's okay. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"
Sally replied, "It's just great, ever since we got into S & M."
Cindy is aghast. "Really Sally! I never would have guessed that you would go for that sort of thing."
"Oh, sure," says Sally. "He snores while I masturbate."
-
Paddy and Murphy go for a day of fishing, but when they get to the bridge they realize they have forgotten their equipment. So Murphy comes up with an idea.
“Paddy you hold me by the ankles over the bridge and when I see a fish I’ll grab it” so Paddy hangs him over the side.
All of a sudden Murphy shouts “Paddy, pull me up quick”
Paddy asks “Why Murphy, have you caught a fish?”
“No Paddy,” Murphy replies “there’s a train coming...”
-
As the man began walking toward the door, his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
The man replied, "I'm going to the doctor."
"Why? Are you sick?" the wife asked.
"No," the husband replied. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
His wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her coat. The husband turned to her and asked, "Where are you going?"
The wife replied, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
"Why?" asked her husband.
His wife replied, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
-
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
Before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car. :emot_laughing: :emot_kiss:
-
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Political Incorrectness Rules...!!!!
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had thebiggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa! Who knew?
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 f**king Muslims have added me as a friend!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
:emot_laughing:
I love the twin joke!
I needed those laughs! Good post :)
-
How about this one....will this get me "banished" in the States...???:
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Praise Allah" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man...that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver. :roll: :roll:
-
Hoss that hilarious maybe not politically correct but still hahahahaha
-
Yeah it's so much better that it comes from OZ..... :emot_laughing:
It could have been a carload of........it was still funny
Janus
-
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
.
(http://i48.tinypic.com/29lhd3a.gif)
... and wonders how many people WON'T get the joke! :emot_laughing:
-
A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?"
The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!"
The undertaker does as he is told.
On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"
-
Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep.
In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!"
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
-
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
-
One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women."
The chief replied "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"
The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.
Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women."
The Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."
The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles."
The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.
The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass.
"Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.
"Just checking for bees." replied the boy.
-
One day the chief's son came to him and asked,"Father, how did you decide on the name you chose for me?" "Well" Said the proud chief, "The morning after your older brother was born a lone bear sat on the ridge over looking our lodge,so we named him Lone Bear. The morning after your sister was born two fawns were frolicking in the stream, so we named her Playful Fawn." The Chief then asked the young brave,"Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?"
Janus
-
There are two sides to every story...
WOMEN -Two female friends are catching up:
So, how was your evening last night?
A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?
Oh, mine was incredible.. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing stary sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late.. It was wonderful...
MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...
So, how was your evening last night?
Great! When I got home, the food was ready. I ate, we fucked and I fell asleep. You?
A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...! The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these fucking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing...
-
What a fantastic joke Hoss......You Rock...
Janus
-
Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A: Because she kept throwing away all of the W's
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?
A: A $100 bill.
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None, it should be opened when your girlfriend brings it to you.
Q: Why are girlfriends like condoms?
A: They spend 99% of their time in your wallet, and the other 1% on your dick.
Q: Why do women have tits?
A: So men will talk to them.
Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic girlfriend and a Jewish girlfriend?
A: A Catholic girlfriend has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
-
There are two sides to every story...
WOMEN -Two female friends are catching up:
So, how was your evening last night?
A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?
Oh, mine was incredible.. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing stary sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late.. It was wonderful...
MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...
So, how was your evening last night?
Great! When I got home, the food was ready. I ate, we fucked and I fell asleep. You?
A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...! The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these fucking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing...
So true how perspectives are different and color the war between men and women!!
-
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother.
"Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"
Sally replied, "No...salty"
-
Holmes Investigation
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
-
1000 Steps
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 5th step He would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter Heaven.
The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so she could not enter Heaven.
The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so she could not enter Heaven either.
Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.
"Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke."
"I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke."
-
Did you hear about Bruce driving over Sydney Bridge?
He saw his Sheila about to jump.
Bruce pulled over and asked her what she was doing?
She turned with tears in her eyes and said 'Bruce I'm pregnant! Now I'm going to kill myself...'
Bruce said 'Aww Sheila! Not only are you a good shag but you are a damn good sport too!'
-
A little boy & a little girl are playing doctor behind a barn. They are both bear butt naked. The little boy's mom comes around the corner, and catches them. She grabs her son by the arm, and drags him to the house. Spanking him the whole way.
When they get back to the house she sits him down, and says to the little boy, "Don't be messing' with those little girls vaginas. They got teeth down there, and they'll bite off anything that gets near it. "
Well the little boy grows up still thinking' this. He gets to high school. He falls in love. 17 Years old, and still a virgin.
Now he's 21, and he asks his girlfriend to marry him. Still a virgin.
He's 24, it's he's wedding night, and he's still a virgin.
They go on their honeymoon, and get into bed. They're foolin' around. Suddenly he gets off, rolls over and turns off the light.
His wife says " Why, why, why, just a minute. Aren't we going to have sex? "
He says "No, my mom done told me about you women, ya'll got teeth in ya'lls vaginas. "
She says "No I don't, if you don't believe me turn on the light and look . "
So, he turns on the light and she shows him.
She says "Well? "
He says "No wonder you aint got no teeth, look at the shape your gums are in... "
-
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000."
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.
The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?"
The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"
-
HOLY PROSTITUTES
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye... It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
'What may we do for you. my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
-
Vaseline survey......
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'
'We use it for sex.'
The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'
-
A man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a gin and tonic. She hands him an apple. He looks at it dubiously. "Go ahead, take a bite." He does. His eyes light up. "It tastes like gin!" "Turn it around." He does and marvels that it tastes like tonic. "How about a vodka and orange juice?" She hands him another apple which he eagerly bites into. "It tastes like Vodka!" "Turn it around." He does and marvels that it tastes like o.j. Leaning forward he whispers, "You seem like a smart girl. Where can i get some pussy around?" She hands him another apple. He takes a bite. Making a face he spits it out. "This tastes like shit!!!" "Turn it around."
-
I know this is long winded but its funny if you go ahead and read it all.
WBAM _ Chicago
If you don't laugh at the end of reading this then there's something wrong with you... Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago . The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes," he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Windy City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of Mate Match?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I have.
DJ: Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando , Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: Brian.
DJ: Brian, are you married or what?
Brian: Yes.
DJ: Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.
DJ: Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.
Brian: Sarah.
DJ: Is Sarah at work, Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work.
DJ: Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Brian! Stay with me here!
Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy, Brian.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...
DJ: Question #2 - How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.
Brian: Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.
DJ: Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I, ummm, I, well...
DJ: This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?
Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks...
DJ: Uh h uh...
Brian: ....and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.
DJ: Atta boy, Brian.
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.
(3 minutes of commercials follow)
DJ: Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?
(touch tones... ringing...)
Clerk: Kinkos.
DJ: Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.
Sarah: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while now. He is on the l ine with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away! or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of
Mate Match?
Sarah: No.
DJ: Good!
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.
DJ: Yeah yeah yeah. Sure.. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando , Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?
Sarah: (laughing) Yes.
DJ: Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?
Sarah: Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sarah: Around 8 this morning.
DJ: Very good. Next question. How long did ! it last?
Sarah: 12, 15 minutes maybe.
DJ:! Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida . Are you ready?
Sarah: (laughing) Yes.
DJ: Where did you have it?
Sarah: OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?
Brian: Just tell him, honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sarah?
Sarah: Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and...
DJ: Come on Sarah... where did you have it?
Sarah: In the ass...
(long pause)
DJ: Folks, we need to take a station break
-
Vaseline survey......
PERFECT timing!
One of the young girls at work asked me today if I put Vaseline on my lips, and I said "No, Vaseline is for sex, I use Chapstick for my lips". She started to back-pedal and I said "Chapstick has been around for at least 50 years that I can attest to, and it tastes WAY better than Vaseline does. Do yourself a favor and get yourself a Chapstick. Or not." <along with a leering grin and waggled eyebrows>
She was utterly flustered, and couldn't come up with a reply. ;D
-
Name Tag
A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants, a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt.
"Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"
-
Dominate Your Mate
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.
-
Three rednecks are staring at a pig's butt. One of the younger ones says "I wish that was Britney Spear's ass." The second younger one says "I wish that was Paris Hilton's ass." The older redneck says "I just wish it were dark."
-
Two aggies (Texas A&M for the uninformed) were walking down the street when they came upon a dog sitting on the pavement and licking his balls.
One of the aggies stated, "I wish I could do that!"
The other one replied, "Careful, he may bite you!"
-
Two aggies (Texas A&M for the uninformed) were walking down the street when they came upon a dog sitting on the pavement and licking his balls.
One of the aggies stated, "I wish I could do that!"
The other one replied, "Careful, he may bite you!"
[/quote
Thats funny and I am knee deep in Aggies around here. Gag'em Iggies ooops that Gig'em Aggies
-
In The Desert
There's a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead traveling through the desert when their car suddenly stalls. They all get out of the car and, upon realizing that it's not going to start, they each take one thing from the car. The brunette takes a bottle of water, the redhead takes a bag of food with her, and the blonde takes the car door.
They begin to walk through the desert, and soon stop to rest. At this point the blonde and the brunette turn to the redhead and ask her why she brought the food. She replies, "Well, in case I get hungry I'll have something to eat."
They all think this is pretty reasonable and then the redhead and the blonde turn to the brunette and ask her why she decided to bring water. The brunette replies, "Well, in case I got thirsty I'll have something to drink." They all decide that's a good idea, too.
Finally, the brunette and the redhead turn to the blonde and ask her why on earth she would take the car door. She replies, "Well, I thought if I got hot I could roll down the window."
-
A Swim Competition
A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke
division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead
second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.After being revived
with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to call anybody a cheater, but I think I saw those other two girls use their arms.
-
I know this is long winded but its funny if you go ahead and read it all.
WBAM _ Chicago
If you don't laugh at the end of reading this then there's something wrong with you... Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago . The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes," he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Windy City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of Mate Match?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I have.
DJ: Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando , Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: Brian.
DJ: Brian, are you married or what?
Brian: Yes.
DJ: Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.
DJ: Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.
Brian: Sarah.
DJ: Is Sarah at work, Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work.
DJ: Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Brian! Stay with me here!
Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy, Brian.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...
DJ: Question #2 - How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.
Brian: Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.
DJ: Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I, ummm, I, well...
DJ: This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?
Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks...
DJ: Uh h uh...
Brian: ....and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.
DJ: Atta boy, Brian.
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.
(3 minutes of commercials follow)
DJ: Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?
(touch tones... ringing...)
Clerk: Kinkos.
DJ: Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.
Sarah: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while now. He is on the l ine with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away! or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of
Mate Match?
Sarah: No.
DJ: Good!
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.
DJ: Yeah yeah yeah. Sure.. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando , Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?
Sarah: (laughing) Yes.
DJ: Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?
Sarah: Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sarah: Around 8 this morning.
DJ: Very good. Next question. How long did ! it last?
Sarah: 12, 15 minutes maybe.
DJ:! Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida . Are you ready?
Sarah: (laughing) Yes.
DJ: Where did you have it?
Sarah: OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?
Brian: Just tell him, honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sarah?
Sarah: Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and...
DJ: Come on Sarah... where did you have it?
Sarah: In the ass...
(long pause)
DJ: Folks, we need to take a station break
I hope they won the trip!!!!
-
I dont know if they did redhatlover, but they should have in my book. I bet that was the talk of Chicago that whole week.
-
I know this is long winded but its funny if you go ahead and read it all.
WBAM _ Chicago
If you don't laugh at the end of reading this then there's something wrong with you... Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago . The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes," he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Windy City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
...
DJ: Come on Sarah... where did you have it?
Sarah: In the ass...
(long pause)
DJ: Folks, we need to take a station break
I'm pretty sure this is Yet Another re-telling of the old Newlywed Game quote, which Snopes finally proved TRUE! a few years ago (much to the chagrin of Bob Eubanks, who didn't remember it.)
http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/newlywed.asp
-
Found these on a site that sends me a "newsletter" on a frequent basis. Had to share them with the crowd. And for the ladies, there is one in here about a blonde guy..just to kind of even out the laughs. Hope you all enjoy them as I did.
A friend told the blonde, "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked, "What if one grenade explodes before we get there?"
The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said, "Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replied, "Well, the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic.
Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.
"Here boy!" she replies.
A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond guy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
(This one actually makes sense...lol)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
-
I know this is long winded but its funny if you go ahead and read it all.
WBAM _ Chicago
If you don't laugh at the end of reading this then there's something wrong with you... Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago . The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes," he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Windy City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
...
DJ: Come on Sarah... where did you have it?
Sarah: In the ass...
(long pause)
DJ: Folks, we need to take a station break
I'm pretty sure this is Yet Another re-telling of the old Newlywed Game quote, which Snopes finally proved TRUE! a few years ago (much to the chagrin of Bob Eubanks, who didn't remember it.)
http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/newlywed.asp
I have seen that Newlywed game clip before. So yes it was real. I am not 100% sure the Chicago one is true guess I will have to try to find it. But still funny.
-
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"
She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with
her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts.
Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"
The Huge Man answers: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."
The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?"
Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."
Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
-
A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.
The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"
"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."
"And?" prompted the doctor.
"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick. It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."
-
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said,
"That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked,
"Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping, she shook her head no.
He asked, "Kin ya breathe?"
Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.
The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."
-
Woo for Vinny. All us Texans know how to do that. hahahaha
-
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wish if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear.
One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.
The brunette goes first. "I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears.
The redhead goes up to try. "I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears.
The blonde goes up and begins... "I think--"
"POOF!" she disappears...
-
Woo for Vinny. All us Texans know how to do that. hahahaha
Thanks for the woo... just knew there'd be some Texans about...!
vinney
;D
-
I've got to give that hind-lick maneuver a try... ;-)
-
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
-
A janitor is cleaning the church, when suddenly the priest runs out if the confession booth.
He bumps into the janitor and tells him to cover for him because he had run to the bathroom.
Surprised, the janitor tells the priest that he doesn't know anything about confessions.
The priest hands him a sheet of paper and tells him to find the sin on the list and it will tell you how many Hail Mary's to give.
So the janotir goes in and then a lady goes in for her confession.
She says,"I'm cheating on my husband." The janitor thinks, says it's adultery and looks it up the the paper, that'll be two Hail Mary's
The lady says, "That's not all, I also slept with him." The janitor thinks again, says it's adultery and looks it up the the paper, that'll be two more Hail Mary's.
Then she says, "I also gave him a blowjob." The janitor looks on the paper and can't find the word "blowjob".
He gets nervous and runs out of the booth looking for help. He finally reaches a little alter boy and asks him, "What does the priest usually give for a blowjob?" The little alter boy looks at him and says, "Two candy's"
-
;) Here's the source for that "hind lick maneuver"
http://www.jhbenoit.com/smile/video/WHAT_HAPPENS_IF_YOU_CHOKE_IN_A_SOUTHERN_BAR.wmv
originally titled "The choke's on you.wmv" at twistedshorts, but they're long gone.
-
A mother is tucking her little boy in one night. "Mom, where do babies come from?" He asks. Without missing a beat she answers "From the stork." Not satisfied, he asks "Who fucks the stork?"
-
What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Clinton Joke
Two new young interns are hired in the White House. They are walking down the hall when President Clinton sees them. The President walks up and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."
-
A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.
She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,
"My husband's home! My husband's home!"
-
A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.
A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?"
He replies, "It died today."
"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied
The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.
The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday."
The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing"
-
The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class. But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger.
So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger. Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
-
One afternoon a man says to his wife, you, me and the dogs are going pig shooting. They pack the truck and head off. They get there late at night and the man says, we will head off at sunrise. The wife is tired and replies, I don't want to go in the morning. The husband is furious and replies, I will give you 3 options, you, me and the dog shoot, or you give me a blow job or we have anal sex. The wife isn't to pleased but realizes it's one or the other. They rise early in the morning and the husband says well, what's it to be. She isn't pleased but decides to give him a blow job. As soon as she starts she stops and says, your dick tastes like shit. He replies: "Yeh, the dog didn't want to go either"
-
Love it, well done...
A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.
The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"
"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."
"And?" prompted the doctor.
"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick. It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."
-
Man gets horny in the middle of the night. He rolls onto his side and whispers in his girl's ear "How about a roll in the hay?" "Not tonight.," She says. "I have a gynocologist appointment tomorrow morning." "Oh," He says, rolling onto his back. After a few moments he rolled back on his side and whispers "Do you have a dental appointment tomorrow?"
-
An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any
experience shoeing horses.
He said no, but he had once told a donkey to fuck off.
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Man is horny in the middle of the night. He rolls on his side and whispers in his girl's ear "How about a roll in the hay?" She opens her eyes. "Not tonight. I have a gynocolgist appointment tomorrow morning." "Oh," He says, rolling back on his back. She closes her eyes and starts to go back to sleep. He stares at the ceiling a few moments. Then he rolls on his side behind her once more. Her eyes open and go wide as he whispers "Do you have a proctologist appointment tomorrow?"
-
10 Best Pick Up Lines
Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special
My Love for you is like diarrahia ... I can't hold it in
Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
Are you a gardner, 'cos I want to put your tulips and my tulups together
You've got all the curves, and I got all the angles
I can't make a cherry pop, but I can make a bananna cream
If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole
Hey do you live on a chicken farm? 'cos you're really good at raising cocks
-
Hey, Coach. I dare you to go to a bar and try those out. ;-)
-
Or send them to Match.com...I guess they are looking for some lame pickup lines for their commercials!
-
Good In Bed
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
-
Here I sit in misty vapour in a shithouse with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger
watch out asshole here comes finger.
What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.
Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"
Q. Why don't guys like to perform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!
Q. What does a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!
Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face
-
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress.
After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
-
A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."
-
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
-
I'd love to ask that gynocologist if it was worth it... ;-)
-
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
-
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor."
She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem."
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!"
-
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems”, Linda told her friend.
“That’s amazing!” Mary replied, “So have Tom and I. We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist”, said Linda.
“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!”, responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. “So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?”, Mary asked.
“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist.
After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,” he said.
“But doctor,” Mary complained, “you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?”
“Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”
-
Good ole uncle George. Glad he was there to save mom, lol
-
BBC NEWS
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54.
A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press,
“Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth”.
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, “I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don’t like cutting benefits but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
-
Frozen crabs, A Lawyer, And A Blonde Stewardess
A lawyer boarded a Jetstar flight in Perth , with a box of frozen crabs and asked the blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in Sydney , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Perth, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ..... So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
-
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
-
Some Things You Don't Argue With
A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.
I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Oysters. Lobster. Champagne. The whole nine yards
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a fuck tonight."
I said, "Would you care for dessert?"
-
Why Don't you buy her a BMW and a house in Beverly Hills while you're at it?
-
A nice story to start the day!
This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a
group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm
your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human
race....................
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a
gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They
chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled
her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a
pay envelope - containing two dollars in 10c coins. The little girl took
her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the
bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little
girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she
had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and
Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the
house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those fucking wankers at Boral deliver the fucking
bricks on time.'
-
The fucking wankers better. :P
-
Ever The Opportunist
One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
-
Blonde Shampoo
A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.
On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
-
(http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/5112571_460s.jpg)
-
I've noticed jokes get repeated a lot here.
-
I've noticed jokes get repeated a lot here.
Then post some new ones and make us laugh ;D
-
10 Signs You Might Be Trailor Trash
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
-
Toasted Blonde
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor askes her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."
"The bastard called again"
-
THE HORTH WHITHPERER
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up
again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twot?'
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the
dwarf's head up the horse's bum, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'
-
Why, didn't you enjoy the view? lol
-
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
-
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby doctor? What's wrong?"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman is confused. "A hermaphrodite..... what's that?"
The doctor replies, "Well, it means your baby has the.......er......features....of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh MY GOD! you mean it has a penis..... AND a brain.
-
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/480824_448559115166080_1489467194_n.jpg)
-
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/205328_448926288462696_1366416498_n.jpg)
-
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/419995_374108895993624_1501538395_n.jpg)
-
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/205328_448926288462696_1366416498_n.jpg)
Didn't work for Sadam.
-
Kind of sacriligious.
-
I'm out of this. This is between you and God now. :P
-
What if She thinks it's funny, too?
-
Kind of sacriligious.
But very funny also
-
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/255262_394156867315360_1205760255_n.jpg)
Sorry ladies...
:-[
vinney
-
One of the best commercials I have seen for some time...most probably already on a thread somewhere on KB..but if you haven't seen it before. :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
I believe that this book has become one of the "best sellers" of all times
-
20 Ways to maintain your sanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".
8. Dont use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera (or to the classical station on your radio).
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!"
19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20. Dress up like a pilot, go to the airport lounge and get drunk like hell.
-
Politics Explained
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
-
Yup, he understands politics. lol
-
Sounds like this boy has a future in politics, or as a capitalist...depends on who he wishes to screw!
-
Politics Explained
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
You got it son.
-
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome ... So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
“We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the holy fuck did your hair?"
-
And hopefully the Pope liked her hair. :P
-
(http://77.247.181.97/big/h/e/l/hellmary/hellmary_014b9e.jpg)
-
Vinney, you need to add the whole joke on this one
(http://i50.tinypic.com/raqnwk.jpg)
-
Was jest testing ya...
:roll:
vinney
-
Moaning
Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that cheap secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"
Sadie questions: "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?" "No not yet."
Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when!"
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for me to moan, Morris?" "Wait, I'll tell you when."
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"
"OY! You wouldn't BELIEVE what a day I had!"
-
Two gay guys are having sex. Some one rings the door bell and the fag says to his buddy dont cum till I get back.
Fag comes back and there is jizz all over the walls. He asks
why his buddy cummed every where. He says he didnt, he
farted.
A couple decided to have sex in their bunk bed. The guy notices his brother on the bottom bunk so they take the top.
He tells her if you want it in say 'tomato'. Want it out say 'lettuce'. If I'm about to cum I'll say 'pickle'. She agrees.
tomato
lettuce
tomato
lettuce
pickle.
The little brother yells:
'Guys! Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayonnaise all over me!'
-
Dead Pussy
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
-
Making Love To...
How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally
-
THE PERFECT DAY
The Perfect Day - Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day - Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap. 6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep
-
16 years later
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.
Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.
So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.
When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.
16 years later
16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"
"What?"
I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."
So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.
Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"
The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."
"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"
-
Newly wed couple
This newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex:
wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.
husband: we're married now, u can tell me anything.
wife: i'm flat chested.
husband: i don't believe u..prove it.
So she takes off her shirt.
husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.
wife: we're married now u can tell me anything.
husband: im "weighed like a baby".
wife: i don't believe you, prove it.
So he takes off his pants.
wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!
husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!
-
Great jokes, Tech_Guy! I guess tech isn't your only skill. ;-)
-
Thanks, I used to love reading them here when they were posted everyday...I will try to post at least a few a week if not everyday.
-
If you post one or two a day that'd be great.*thumbs up*
-
Holiday Dinner
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.
She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
-
Top 10 slogans for viagra
10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "Here's the beef!"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman"
4. "Tastes great, more filling"
3. "Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Just do her"
And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. "This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. "Any questions?"
-
A Rope and Two Knots
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"
-
Doing It In The Dark
Claire was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they always have sex in the dark.
Hoping to rid him of his inhibitions, during a passionate evening she flipped on her reading lamp and was shocked to find a cucumber in his hand.
"Is this what you have been using on me for the past 8 years?" she exclaimed.
"Honey, let me explain…." he pleaded.
"You sneaky swine!" she screamed. "You impotent Son of a Bitch!"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interjected, "Perhaps you'd care to explain our two children!!"
-
lol Great stuff! Pregnant by cucumber, hehe. Loved the Viagra sloguns.
-
Knickerless
Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
-
Low Sperm Count
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
-
Lifetime Savings
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!
-
lol Nope, it wasn't money... ;-) I wouldn't mind sticking my fingers in that blonde myself.
-
I hear ya, GG! :aol_cunniling:
-
Check your Dirty IQ!
Questions:
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when
engaged in my job. What am I?
Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!
Now Really! Just what were you thinking?
-
American Beer
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.
That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"
-
Afternoon Quickie
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
-
Kneasels
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.. Smallcox?"
-
Hey, so he had Smallcox as a child. Drink some American beer. ;-)
-
Who's This Guy
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
-
Duct Tape
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
-
Flat Tummy
There was a small boy who was put to bed by his parents. The boy had a nightmare, and got out of bed to go to his parents room.
When he got there, he saw mommy bouncing up and down on daddy. When his dad noticed him in the doorway, the kid ran away.
The mother got off and got dressed quickly, and went to the boy's room. He was in his bed, and he asked, "Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?"
The mother replied, "Well, your father has noticed his belly getting bigger, and I was just trying to flatten his tummy for him by bouncing on it."
"Oh, that's what you were doing. But you're wasting your time mommy." The boy said.
"Oh, and why is that?" The mom asked.
"Because everyday when you leave for work, the neighbor lady comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.
-
Kids say the darnedest things... :P
-
Yep! ;D
-
Harsh Truth
A women is at the grocery store shopping for typical household goods, eggs, milk, anything one would need.
She gets to the register and as the cashier is checking her items, he looks at her and simply asks "you're single aren't you?"
She shyly smiles and replies "Yes I am. How did you know?"
the cashier responded "Cause you're really fucking ugly."
-
(http://i.imgur.com/HzyJA.jpg) (http://imgur.com/HzyJA)
-
Always Been a Doubt
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt."
His friend says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
"While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt."
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
"So did anything happen?"
"I have some bad news for you," says the friend.
"The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light."
"Then what happened?" says the man.
"I don't know. It was too dark to see."
"Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."
-
Bus Driver's Parents
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
-
Three Mens Valuables
Three men are in a car which is about to crash. They all decided to throw out one valuable item.
The first person throws out a rock. The second throws out a pen. The third throws out a grenade.
Their car crashes and they survive the crash. Then, they all start walking back to get their valuable items.
The first man sees a little girl crying and asks her, "Little girl, why are you crying?" The little girl replies, "Someone threw a rock at me!"
The second guy sees a little boy crying and asks him, "Little boy, why are you crying?" The little boy replies, "Someone threw a pen at me and poked me in the eye!"
The third guy sees a fat kid laughing really hard and so he asks him, "Hey kid, why are you laughing so hard?" The fat kid replies, "I farted and my house blew up."
-
Restricted Fishing
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
-
lol That was some fart! Good thing he didn't blow up the bus... ;-)
-
Southern Comments
Exclamations:
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
Threats:
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
Good Things/Compliments:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
The Weather:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
Descriptions:
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
Insults:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."
Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
-
Redneck At The Bar
A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in.
With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly.
He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti.
He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.
The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"
The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
-
Redneck Logic
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
-
Father and Son
One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire.
His father said, 'Son, where are you going?'
The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.'
The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.'
But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing.
Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.'
The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape.
The father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.'
The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!'
The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm.
The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!'
The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!'
-
Great jokes!!! I haven't stopped laughing from the first one!
-
Another Southern threat:
:I'm gonna slap you so hard yo eyes gonna be on the same side of yo face!"
-
What about...
'I'll knock your teeth so far down your throat you'll have to stick your toothbrush up your arse to clean them...?
:o
Good ol' English saying...
vinney
;D
-
Aussie sayings
Flash as a Rat with a gold tooth (Smart arse)
Few kangaroos loose in the top paddock (Crazy)
-
You Know You Are A Blonde If...........
You know you are a blond if you're pubic hair is a wild rabbit in the Outback.
You know you are a blond if you believe "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird.
You know you are a blond if you think a G-string is part of a violin.
You know you are a blond if you think Anus is the Latin word for yearly.
You know you are a blond if you believe Testicles are found on an octopus.
You know you are a blond if you think an umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
You know you are a blond if you believe a diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
You know you are a blond if you're think lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
You know you are a blond if you think Sodomy is a special kind of fast growing grass.
You know you are a blond if you believe Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.
You know you are a blond if you think Douche is the Italian word for twelve.
You know you are a blond if you think An enema is someone who is not your friend.
You know you are a blond if you believe Menopause is a button on the VHS remote control.
-
You know, with friends like these, who needs enemas?
-
155
A Man At The Beach
One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.
But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.
Soon comes a girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"
The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."
He soon falls asleep.
Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.
Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."
-
10 Things Not To Tell Your Girlfriend
10. Come on, who's gonna find out?
9. I promise you wont choke.
8. Can I get you in the pooper?
7. Trust me, I'm a professional.
6. Well, your sister likes it like that.
5. Wow look at the ass on her!
4. Now why cant your boobs be that big?
3. I gotta poop.
2. Oh you forgot to shave today too?
1. I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
-
11. I promise I'll pull out.
12. I won't cum in your mouth
-
Southern Comments
Here are a couple from Texas.
BAD IDEA
"That dog won't hunt."
FULL OF BLUSTER WITHOUT SUBSTANCE
"He's all hat, no cattle."
One of my Dad's, not necessarily southern, mostly military.
Serious correction effort.
"He needs some wall-to-wall counseling"
-
lol Some really funny ones today, thanks, everyone who contributed!!!
-
Teacher:
If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny:
Seven, Sir
Teacher:
No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny:
Seven
Teacher:
Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny:
Six.
Teacher:
Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny:
Seven!!!
A very angry Teacher:
Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny:
Because...I've already got a fucking cat!!!
-
Can never have to much pussy can ya? LOL
Janus
-
Did you hear about the blonde that...
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
-
lol Love the blonde jokes! Thanks, TD!
-
Did you hear about the blonde that...
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
And she couldn't do the math either!
-
There was an old Irish mick
whose cum was exceedingly thick
He could squeeze it out
And spray it about
But it stuck to the end of his dick.
There was a man from Capri
Who tried to piss over a tree
The tree was too high
And it fell in his eye
And now the poor bugger can't see.
There was a young whore from Kilkenny,
Who charged two fucks for a penny,
For half of that sum,
You could bugger her bum,
An economy practised by many
There once was a whore on the dock
From dusk until dawn she sucked cock
'Til one day it's said
She gave so much head
She exploded and whitewashed the block
-
Just Plain Dumb
A blonde and a redhead were sitting together having drinks, when the blonde noticed a man walking towards them with an arm full of long stem red roses. The blonde says to the redhead, "isn't that your husband coming carrying all those roses?"
The redhead says, yes it is.
The blonde responds by saying, "Oh you are so lucky".
The redhead says, "No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole week-end flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart."
The blonde says, "Oh my, don't you have a vase to put them in"?
-
:emot_laughing:
Yup....She ain't too bright....Good one...
Janus
-
Just Plain Dumb
A blonde and a redhead were sitting together having drinks, when the blonde noticed a man walking towards them with an arm full of long stem red roses. The blonde says to the redhead, "isn't that your husband coming carrying all those roses?"
The redhead says, yes it is.
The blonde responds by saying, "Oh you are so lucky".
The redhead says, "No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole week-end flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart."
The blonde says, "Oh my, don't you have a vase to put them in"?
Brilliant...!
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
vinney
-
At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for other people.
Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service
City/County Public Service
Public Service Employees
Immigration Service
Dept Health & Human Services
Forest Service
Natl Park Service
Natural Resources Conservation Service
And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.
WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
-
Try this if you've heard of the book Fifty Shades of grey:
The missus bought a paperback
down Mumbles, Saturday
I had a look into her bag
'Twas Fifty Shades of Grey.
Well I just left her to it
At ten I went to bed,
And one hour later she appeared -
The sight filled me with dread....
In her left hand she held a rope,
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor
And then began to strip.
Well, fifty years or so ago
I might have had a peek,
But Doris hasn't weathered well,
She's eighty-four next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer,
Then things went from bad to worse
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet
A couple of minutes later,
She put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her!
Now if you knew our Doris
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
From our last mad sex, I muttered.
She stood there nude, all naked like,
Bent forward just a bit...
So I thought - what the hell - stepped forward
And stood on her left tit!
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My God, what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can't tell no more
'Bout what occurred that day...
Suffice to stay, my jet black hair
Turned "Fifty Shades of Grey!"
-
Great ones!!! Fifty Shades Of Grey was insane, loved the limericks, the blonde in the bar, all good stuff.
-
Hey, sorry I have neglected my joke posting. I have been traveling back and forth between the east and west coasts the last 2 weeks and have some serious jet lag...lol
Here is a couple for today......
-
Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
-
Did you hear about the blonde that...
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
-
Even More Blonde Q and A
Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY ABOUT BLONDE JOKES? A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.
Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde? A: 3 feet tall, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
-
Is This Jimmy Hoffa
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft.
They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
-
Loved the Only Three Doors joke, and the Blonde Q&A. Hilarious!
-
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'..
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. He stands up and falls flat on his face.
'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'B'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'
Paddy says, 'To be sure I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
-
No irishman is truly drunk so long as he has the ability to hold onto a singl blade of grass to keep from being thrown from the face of the earth.
-
Wow, the ol' boy was determined to get home, lol! Loved that one, thanks, Vinney!
-
I was all primed to add a couple more jokes but in deference to the drunk...I will simply pay my respects! A good laugh!! :emot_laughing:
-
Sensitivity test for men
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Centre.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
:sign_yeahriight:
-
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother has just lost her part-time job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day, the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait, because she was coming too. I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"
-
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients, and felt guilty about it all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But, every once in a while, he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
Invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: "But Dave.....you're a vet."
-
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
-
Doctor, doctor, please kiss me," says the patient.
"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.
Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."
"No, I'm sorry, I just can't" he says.
Five minutes later, she asks again: "Please, please kiss me!"
"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."
-
A fireman and his wife were bored with their sex life so he tried to liven it f up by incorporating the bell system that was used at work. At the firehouse when the first bell rings, everyone runs to the trucks; on the second bell, they gear up; and : on the third bell they jump on the trucks and head for the fire.
So he went home and told his wife: "I've got this great idea to spice up our sex life. We're gonna use the bell system. When I shout "bell one", you run into the bedroom; when I shout "bell two", you take off your clothes; and when I call "bell three", you jump on the bed ; and we make passionate love."
The next evening he got home from work and immediately shouted "bell one". His wife ran into the bedroom. Then he called out "bell two" and she took off her clothes. Then he yelled "bell three" and the pair leaped on the bed together and started making love. But no sooner had they started than she suddenly cried: "Bell four, bell four!"
"What the hell's bell four?" he gasped.
"More hose! More hose! You're nowhere near the fire!"
-
If men got pregnant:
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem
Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay
Children would be kept in hospital until toilet trained
Natural childbirth would become obsolete
All methods of birth control would be 100 per cent effective
Men would be eager to talk about commitment
There would be a cure for stretch marks
They'd serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes
Men wouldn't think twins were so cute
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10 p.m.
-
Vinney, you were on a role there, lol! Great jokes, loved the Irish toast and fireman jokes.
-
Two Blonde Men
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and
said, "I've got to take a shit."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The
other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea--
I'll use that!"
He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to
you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3
quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
-
They Grow Them Big In Texas
A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city"
outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young
woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm
from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can
do for you?"
"No, ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted
his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four
inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor,
ma'am?"
-
A fireman and his wife were bored with their sex life so he tried to liven it f up by incorporating the bell system that was used at work. At the firehouse when the first bell rings, everyone runs to the trucks; on the second bell, they gear up; and : on the third bell they jump on the trucks and head for the fire.
So he went home and told his wife: "I've got this great idea to spice up our sex life. We're gonna use the bell system. When I shout "bell one", you run into the bedroom; when I shout "bell two", you take off your clothes; and when I call "bell three", you jump on the bed ; and we make passionate love."
The next evening he got home from work and immediately shouted "bell one". His wife ran into the bedroom. Then he called out "bell two" and she took off her clothes. Then he yelled "bell three" and the pair leaped on the bed together and started making love. But no sooner had they started than she suddenly cried: "Bell four, bell four!"
"What the hell's bell four?" he gasped.
"More hose! More hose! You're nowhere near the fire!"
This is the funniest one I have read in a long time! WOO!
-
Heeheehee Four inches from the floor, good one, TD!!! ;-)
-
Heeheehee Four inches from the floor, good one, TD!!! ;-)
Good job he hadn't got the hard on... otherwise he'd have been catapulted right up... through the ceiling...
vinney
-
(http://i.imgur.com/n6afl.jpg) (http://imgur.com/n6afl)
-
Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep.
In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says, "I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says, "That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
-
A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him.
He asks what is the matter.
She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?"
Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work.
When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again.
Asking her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."
-
A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in.
The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"
-
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following
is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6
times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the
ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had
to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you
because I felt you move.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the
balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it
all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a
dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,
etc.on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in
the ceiling, what I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
-
HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
-
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following
is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6
times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the
ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had
to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you
because I felt you move.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the
balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it
all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a
dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,
etc.on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in
the ceiling, what I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
Was the 36 times he got it the 36 times he was not at home?
-
You got it in one RHL... leastways he got it in 36 times when he was not at home... dirty lucky bastard...!
:emot_laughing:
vinney
-
Why People Hate To Attend High School Reunions
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York ’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
-
A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip.
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, "I've just been molested!"
The driver feels that maybe she fell asleep and had a dream.. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thinks he must have a busload of old wackos, who would want to molest these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she's been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he's had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
"Hey gramps, what do you think you're doing down there?" says the driver.
"I've lost my toupee! I thought I'd found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!"
-
Subject: Fw: The Scottish Lodger
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" *
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the fucking dart team hadn't!"
-
IN TOO FAR
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
-
AN ODE TO ORAL SEX
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And whats your revenge, your on the rag.
-
CHRISTMAS EVE
A man is about to jump off London Bridge when he hears a voice behind him. It's Santa Claus. "Why do this? It's Christmas Eve?" Santa says. "Because I've lost my job, " the man answered, " my wife has left me, and I have no presents for the kids." "Ah, I can grant you 3 wishes, " replied Santa, "So when you get up tomorrow your job will be there, your wife will be waiting for you, and there'll be presents for the children." "Oh Santa - however can I repay you?" gasped the man. "Well - not a lot of people know this, " came the reply, "But old Santa is gay, you could bend over for me, the elves aren't much good at it." "Dunno 'bout that, " the man said. "Oh, go on, " Santa urged, "After all - I granted you 3 wishes, don't be so ungrateful." "Ok, " the man sighed, as he unzipped his trousers. Santa did the biz and when he finished the man pulled his trousers back up. Santa looks at the man and asks "How old are you?" "47, " came the reply. "What? And you still believe in Santa Claus?"
-
A GIRLS FIRST TIME
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
Naughty, Naughty!
-
(http://upload.lushstories.com/225-The_368c8a_178114.jpg)
-
Beware of skiers and horses, got it!
;-)
-
A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."
He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"
She said, "I think it must be the second coming."
...
The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"
She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one..."
-
Good jokes, TG!
Loved the Second Coming also.
-
> A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
> coffee
> each morning.
>
> The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
> don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
>
> The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you
> should
> do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
>
> Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
> the man should do the coffee.'
>
> Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
>
> So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
> the
> top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'
>
>
> God may have created man before woman,
> but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece..
-
> A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
>
> An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
> concede their position.
>
> As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
> sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
>
> 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws''
-
PSYCHIATRIST OBSERVATIONS
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
-
FIGHTING NUNS
One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."
-
LIKE A BULLDOG
A man and his son were talking about sex.
The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"
The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"
"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.
The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah" said the son.
"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.
His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!
-
SEX FOR FOOD
There once was three guys who didn't have any money. or any food.
They had been stealing food for the past couple of days and still wern't satiafied.
One guy finally said ,"Wouldn't it be better to ask for food instead of stealing it ?"
They all agreed so one day they went up to this house and rang the door bell . An old lady answered .
They asked her for food . She said she would only give them food if they slept with her .
The first guy refused and so did the second, but the third guy was so hungry that he agreed.
She took him into her barn and said to get started.
He said he wanted to blindfold her and she agreed because she was so desperate.
Once blindfolded he took a piece of corn and started fucking her with it. He threw that piece of corn out the barn window and took another piece of corn and started fucking her with that one.
Afterwards she fed him like she said she would and he left .
The two other guys told him they couldn't believe he had done that for food, especially since they had found free corn around the side of the barn.
-
Good jokes Tech WOO
-
Thanks coach!
-
Man walks into a bar, puts a wad of cash on the bar and tells the bartender to set up a series of shots with the money he has available. "I am celebrating" he simply says.
The bartender quickly counts the money and sets up 6 shots of whiskey then asks, "What are you celebrating?"
Man replies, "My first blow job."
Bartender says, "Let me pour you another shot, on the house!"
Man replies, "If 6 shots won't get the taste out of my mouth I doubt the 7th will."
-
lol, it's an "aquired" taste.
Thanks for a forehead slapper so early.
-
Yeah, TG, you've got some really funny ones!
-
Subject: WRONG ANSWER
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
Fuck....
-
lol This is why some guys get into so much trouble! :P Reminds me of the root beer commercial where the husband is watching his Bachelor party video and the Announcer calls him Thick-Headed. ;-)
-
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something
from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."
The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he is expected to make a full recovery.
-
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer:
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel
driving a German car with a Dutch engine driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles
treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology and you're
probably reading this on your computer that uses Taiwanese chips, and a
Korean monitor assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant
transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization!
-
Hey, if that wife can't take a little ribbing from her husband then she shouldn't be giving it herself. :P
-
NO dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes and it entitled him to receive an invitation to dine with the Queen, who decided to call him after the contest. He won a trip to travel around the world in style and a case of 25 year old Eldorado rum for his answer.
-
Sorry if this has been posted before -
Little Tommy wakes one night and hears strange noises from down the hall way. He quietly goes to see and pushes his parent's bedroom door open.
He sees his Dad on top of his Mum, giving her a damn good seeing to!
"DADDY!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MUMMY!!!!" he shouts
His Dad just laughs and throws a pillow at him and says "Go back to bed Timmy"
A little while later, Timmy's Dad hears strange noises, and goes to investigate. He sees a light on in the guest room where his Mum is sleeping, and pushes the door open.....
He sees Timmy on top of his Grandmother humping away at her!
"TIMMY?!!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO GRANDMA!!!!" says Timmy's Dad, looking horrified.
"AHHH NOT SO FUCKING FUNNY WHEN IT'S YOUR MOTHER IS IT!!!" says Timmy :D
-
ROTFL You go, Timmy!!!
-
IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR AGAIN AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO . .
I have emailed my tax return but it was rejected by Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs and I’m totally baffled because HRMC is now querying my list of dependents.
Perhaps it was because of my response to the question:"List all dependents"
to which I replied:
“2.5 million unemployed;
1.0 million illegal immigrants;
Approximately 1.5 million drug dealers;
Over 88,000 people in overcrowded prisons;
6 million public-sector employees;
87 useless and conniving MEP’s and their 1,200 associated administrators;
650 thieving members of Parliament;
650 parasitic Lords and a totally ineffectual PM who has 100+ aides and advisors;
not to mention the Deputy PM and his retinue . . .”
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I keep asking myself, 'WHO THE HELL DID I LEAVE OUT?'
I’m really becoming forgetful in my old age . . . !
-
Two businessmen in the centre of Perth were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other,
"I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window
and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
"What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, “Must be doing well... Only two left."
-
THE CREATION OF A PUSSY
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.
-
DYING BEAVER
Little Johnny was taking a shower with his grandma.
He casually asked,"Grandma whats that?" She quickly replied, "That's my beaver". Little Johnny didnt say another word.
Two days later he was taking a shower with his mom. Little Johnny asked,"Mommy whats that?" She replied, "Well Johnny thats my beaver."
Little Johnny thought for a bit and said,"Well grandmas beaver must be dying her tongues hanging out!!"
-
DEFINITELY
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
-
THE THREE TASKS
A guy, short of money asked a man what he could do to earn some.
The man replied "I'll give you $1000 if you do three tasks."
You need to knock out a wrestler, pull a loose tooth out of a dingo's mouth and screw an old lady.
So the guy quickly runs up to the wrestler and punches him out.
He then leaps into the bushes after the dingo. Several minutes go buy and he is heard rolling around and moaning before finally emerging triumphant.
He then turns to the man and says "Where's this old lady so I can pull her tooth out and get paid"
-
Great stuff, TG! I'm still laughing!
-
http://instantrimshot.com/classic/?sound=crickets
-
http://instantrimshot.com/classic/?sound=crickets
That definitely goes into the act.
-
LOL, that little Johnny is such a naughty boy!
-
THE FLIP SIDE TO DATING:
http://screen.yahoo.com/flip-side-dating-000000612.html
-
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local
Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?
-
Gotta love a naughty nun... ;-)
-
I don't know if this Joke has been posted before but I liked it.
Dirty Joke about Little Billy
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortise had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
-
In the Garden of Eden,
as everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
without any clothes.
In this garden,
were two little leaves,
one covered Adam's,
one covered Eve's.
As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
the wind came along,
and blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
started to rise.
They found a spot,
that suited them best,
a nice big tree,
where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
and wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
and filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
was all wet inside.
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
Then down through the years,
People did screw,
and now it is time,
for me and you.
So pull down your pants,
and lay in the grass,
because I'm in the mood,
for a piece of that ASS!
-
Janus...! :emot_laughing:
Great posts... had me laughing all the way... :emot_laughing:
vinney... :emot_laughing:
-
Hey, Janus, i had come across part of that poem years ago but never heard the whole thing, thanks!
-
Thanks guys. I know it's a little long but I thought it was quite funny. Glad you liked it.
-
That was a good one, Janus.
-
Old People Football
An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."
-
Old Penis Poem
My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.
-
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
-
1, 2, 3 uh
One night these two midget brothers walk into a bar and one says "Man I'm tired of screwing midget girls lets screw real women." So the other guy agreed.
5 minutes later two blonde's walk into the bar and sit by the two midgets.
So the four of them get talking and the midgets ask if they want to come to there hotel rooms and stay the night and have sex.
So the two blonde's decide to go.
In the first room the blonde and the midget were getting it on when the midget says "Oh baby, I'm sorry this has never happened before, but I can't get hard"
So they give up and lay down to go asleep. But through the wall from the second room they hear "1, 2, 3 uh 1, 2, 3 uh", which keeps up all night long.
So the next day after the blonde's leave the brothers meet each other again and discuss how there night went.
The first midget says "Oh, my night was terrible. I just couldn't get hard."
The second midget replies "Mine was worse than that"
"What do you mean" said the first guy. "I heard you going "1, 2, 3 uh all night long".
To which the second guy replies "Yeah! I couldn't get on the damn bed"
-
Funny, funny stuff!!!
-
And they say the Scottish are tight...
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says."We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife:
'Sorted! They're both coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.’
-
Boobs vs. Willies
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'
-
Hehe, good one watcher, thanks for sharing.
-
Funny stuff watcher! :emot_kiss:
-
Watcher...! Great one...! Least it used to be in the early 20s and 30s...!
:emot_laughing:
vinney
-
The battle of the sexes gets a bit rough at times, lol
-
Short & Sharp...just to fill in a Friday afternoon...
Short…sharp….just to pass a Friday afternoon…..
Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . . .I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse!!!"
Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".
Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel?" he asks.
" Lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"
Went out last night dressed to kill . . . . . . . . . Beard, sandals, turban and backpack.
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!"
Give it here"
"No, it's mine"
"Let me have it"
"It’s my turn!"
"You had it last"
"Fuck off!!"
"Come on gimme it"
"No way!"
"But it's my go!!!"
. . . . . . .Siamese twins having a wank
The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife. They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!". They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident". I said "I know but she has a lovely personality!"
Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Ron says "The measles are contagious".
Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's contagious"
Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious!!"
Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing.
Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that’s the one!!!"
-
Funny funny stuff, Hoss, woo!
-
Heehee We Irish are not that dumb! :P some good stuff there, thanks for the laughs.
-
THUMB SUCKER
There was a mother who had a daughter, Mary, who always sucked her thumb. Upset by this, Mary’s mother told her that if she continued to suck her thumb, her body would swell up.
Frightened, Mary stopped sucking her thumb. One day Mary and her mother were crossing the street and Mary saw a prostitute with big breasts.
Mary pulled away from her mother, and walked up to the prostitute and said, "Lady, I know what you’ve been sucking"
TRESPASS
There are these two blokes who are trespassing on a farmer’s land. The farmer sees them hiding in his orchard and comes out of the farm house.
He catches the trespassers and tells them they must gather 100 of any fruit they like.
One trespasser gets 100 strawberries. The farmer then tells him to cram them all up his arse.
After about 50 he starts to laugh and the farmer asks why. He replies, “Oh, nothing,” but at 75 he just breaks out in hysterics.
Finally he tells the farmer that his friend is picking watermelons.
TRIBAL TORTURE
Three fellows were on a safari in Africa when they were captured by a ferocious tribe.
The chief took his captives to his village and told them they have two choices, poomba or death.
The first man replied poomba and the entire tribe fucked him up the arse and sent him on his way.
The second man thought for a minute and then replied poomba. The entire tribe then fucked him up the arse and sent him on his way.
The third man said, “ Fuck that, I’m no queer, I’ll choose death.
The chief then replied, “You chose death, then so be it… death by poomba!”
IN THE FAMILY
A teenage couple had been going steady for some time, and were getting really horny. However, every time they tried to fuck, they were discovered or interrupted.
So the boy tells the girl, “This Friday, I’ll borrow my Dad’s car, and we’ll go somewhere alone." The girl agrees.
Friday eventually rolls around, and the girl receives a phone call from her boyfriend, saying he can’t get the car. She tells him she will get her Dad’s car.
She goes to her dad and says, "Dad, can I borrow the car tonight?"
He says to her, "Well, I just got the tyres rotated, and I wax it myself..."
The girl pleads, "Please!! I’ll do anything!!"
The Dad smiles, "Anything?" he says.
The girl shakes her head, "No Dad, anything but that,” she says. Her Dad says, "OK, if you don’t want the car..."
The girl sighs and says, " oh, alright, I’ll do it."
The dad stands up, unzips his pants, and his daughter proceeds to give him a blow-job. After a moment she stops and spits on the ground, "Dad, your cock tastes like shit!!"
The dad says, "Oh yeah, your brother borrowed the car this morning.”
-
PIG MASSAGE
This fellow arrives in from the outback after a long year on a cattle station and is eager to get his end in, but with all his money spent on beer he only has 10 dollars left.
He wanders into the local massage parlour and asks the madam what he can get for 10 dollars. The madam shakes her head but feeling sorry for the bloke tells him to go to the end of the passage and go into the last room on the right.
The fellow does this and on entering the room finds a dirty old pig lying in the corner. He figures, “What the hell, I’ve paid my 10 dollars and I’m still as horny as hell,” so he starts to screw the living shit out of the pig.
The next week he gets his bonus cheque and, having such a good time the last week, heads back to the massage parlour and asks the madam what he can get for 30 dollars.
She tells him to go down the corridor and go into the second last door on the right. He does this, and on entering the room finds thirty blokes watching a live act between a couple and a blow up doll through a window. He’s paid his money so he sits down and says to the fellow next to him "Shit mate, this is a bit of alright."
"Fair Dinkum" the fellow replies "This is nothing, mate. You should have been here last week, there was a desperate bastard screwing a pig!"
-
ZIPPED
At a remote bus stop, a group of people are waiting. Finally, the bus arrives and the first person in line (a woman) attempts to get on, however, her tight skirt won’t allow her enough flexibility to step up onto the bus, so she reaches for the zipper in the back and loosens it a little.
She tries to get on again, but she still can’t, so she reaches back and loosens it some more, but she STILL can’t, so she reaches for her zipper for a third time when the man standing behind her grabs her by her waist and throws her onto the bus.
The woman begins to scream and tells the man that he had no right grabbing her in that way.
The man then replies, "Jeez lady, after you undid my fly three times, I thought we were on pretty good terms."
HOT BREATH
A man walk into the a bar and orders a drink. He gets his drink and a woman approaches him and says, "You see those fucking hot girls sitting in the corner over there," the man nods, she continues, "would you like to smell their pussies?”
The man says "Yes."
The woman blows right in the mans face and says, “ That’s what their pussies smell like.”
DESPERATELY SEEKING
One day a lady puts a singles advertisement in the newspaper saying that she wanted a man who wasn’t going to put his hands all over her, or chase after her all of the time, but was a good lover.
A couple of days later she is just sitting around doing nothing, and her doorbell rings. She answers the doorbell and sitting there in a wheel chair is a man with no arms and no legs.
The lady asks politely, "How can I help you sir?"
And the man replies equally politely, "I am here to reply to the ad you put in the paper."
She says, "Okay, well then, I want a man who won’t put his hands all over me."
The man says, "Well I can’t do that, I have no arms, so that problem is solved.”
Then she says "Well I don’t want a man that is always going to be chasing after me."
The man says, "Well I can’t do that, I don’t have any legs! So that problem is solved.”
Then the lady says "But... I do want a man who is a good lover!" and the man replies, "Well, I rang your doorbell didn’t I?"
-
CONDOMS
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10 pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girls’ parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still in deep prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girl finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns and whispers back, "And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..."
-
Q: Why did god invent men?
A: Because dildoes don’t mow lawns.
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, she holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around
her.
Q: What did the Mum blonde tell her daughter when she was going
out?
A: If you’re not in bed by 12 come home!
Q: How do we know girls are not made from sugar and spice?
A: Because they smell like fish!
Q: Why is sex like a poker game?
A: You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What do you call a hookers kids?
A: Brothel sprouts.
Q: What is the similarity between a gynecologist and a pizza delivery
man?
A: They both can smell it but can’t eat it
Q: What do you call sweat between two Tasmanians having sex?
A: Relative humidity
-
I knew Mary was going to say that to the prostitute. ;-)
What's the dad's problem??? He had all day to clean his cock, lol
The pharmicist one was embarrassingly funny, too.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/6BVCg.png) (http://imgur.com/6BVCg)
-
Young Female Bakery Clerk
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."
She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.
After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.
Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."
-
Quivering is the right word, lol!!!
-
"I tried setting my hotmail password to 'penis'.
It said my password wasn't long enough..."
-
"I tried setting my hotmail password to 'penis'.
It said my password wasn't long enough..."
You could use 'humongouspenis', that should be long enough.
-
MANIAC
Three men were leaving a bar and they were held up by some maniac.
He said to them, "You blokes better have ten inches between the three of you or else I’m chopping them all off!"
So they all unzipped and dropped their pants.
The first one comes up with a five-incher, the second fellow reveals his four-incher and the 3rd fellow produces his one-incher.
The first fellow thinks, “Thank God I have my 5 incher.”
The second fellow thinks, “Thank God I have my 4 incher.”
The third fellow thinks, “Thank God I had a hard-on.”
-
AIDS
An old man takes his wife to the doctor. After a long time in the examination room, the doctor comes out and says to the man, "I’m not sure what she has, but I have narrowed it down to either AIDS or Alzheimers."
The man says, "Wow, that’s pretty serious, how do I tell?"
The doctor says, "Take her for a long drive way out of the city, and leave her. If she comes home, DON’T FUCK HER.”
-
PAINTED
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for awhile, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, then, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
“Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?”
-
HELL
A man died and awoke in Hell. As he waited in line to be processed into Hell, he became more and more disturbed by his situation. He thought to himself, "I know I led kind of a wild life, but I didn’t think I was bad enough to end up like this!"
Finally, he was at the head of the line, and the next counsellor was beckoning him to step up to his desk. "What’s the matter?" the counsellor asked, "You look unhappy."
"Well what do you think?" the man responded. "I’m in Hell!"
"Oh, Hell isn’t so bad," the counsellor said, "Actually we have a lot of fun here. For example, do you drink?"
"Well, sure I used to do my share of drinking," the man said. "Then you are going to love Mondays," the counsellor said, "Monday is drinking night here -- we have all the best liquors, the rarest wines, and beer by the keg. And you don’t have to worry about drinking and driving, or cirrhosis of the liver or anything, because you’re already dead! Isn’t that great!? How about smoking , do you smoke?"
"Yes, I was a smoker," the man said.
"Well, you’re going to love Tuesdays too," the counsellor continued, "Tuesday is smoking night here -- cigarettes, Cuban cigars, marijuana, whatever you like -- and the best part is that since you’re dead, you won’t have to worry about lung cancer or emphysema or anything like that. Do you take drugs?"
"Well, I experimented a little when I was younger," the man said.
"Then you’re going to have a great time on Wednesdays too," said the counsellor. "Wednesday is drug night, and once again, since you’re dead, no matter how lethal or addicting the drug might be, you can enjoy it to your heart’s content. Do you gamble?"
"Oh I love to gamble!" the man replied.
"Great!" the counsellor said. "You’ll also love Thursday nights, which are our gambling nights. It’s a regular Las Vegas here every Thursday, and no matter what game of chance you like, you can play it all night whether you’re winning or losing. Now then, are you gay?"
"Well, no I’m not," the man said.
"Oh," the counsellor grimaced, "you’re going to hate Fridays.”
-
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
-
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home.
So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!!"
-
Good one, Vinney. ;-) I'll bet every guy's wife was in that whorehouse. P:
-
Good one Vinney
-
Even mine? hmmmm..
-
A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, "No. These are for boys."
The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The little boy angrily points to his boy's bike and says, "Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!"
But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"
The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want."
-
The battle of the sexes is getting old...lol
-
Mark was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing Mark's testicles - something she loved to do.
As Mark was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that so much?"
"Because", she replied, "I really miss mine."
-
Hey, he/she must've been a passable female so Mark shouldn't get upset.
Unless he was drunk when he picked him/her up, lol
-
She Was Soooooo Blonde
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said, "concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money!
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
-
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have vagina'?
'Yes, actually I have,' she says.
The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'
-
lol I bet hubby didn't see that one coming! ;-)
-
Sending A Message
A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will
cost her $300, she exclaims,"I don’t have any money... but I’ll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"
To that the man asks, "Anything?"
And the blonde says, "Yes.... ANYTHING!!" With that the man says, "Follow me!"
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.Then he says,
"Go ahead, take it out."
With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!!"
She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "HELLO, MOM?"
-
Hi Becca,
I don't get the joke,,,,that's what I would do..
T
-
I'm not saying she's a Slut but I found her G-Spot on Google Maps.
-
Natural Blonde?
A blond dyed her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on, She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?" "ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one" As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"
-
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher... said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKING BADGE!"
-
A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of shoes she likes and must have...
The husband says, "No fucking chance love, They're too expensive!"
Later on that night in bed, The wife is just falling off to sleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hands on her hips....
She turns to him and says, "No fucking chance love, If you ain't prepared to shoe the horse then you ain't fucking riding it!!"
-
Who makes the sandwich in a lesbian relationship?
No One.
We both EAT OUT.
-
Same Sex marriage
Norman and Barry got married in California.
They couldn't afford a 'honeymoon' so they went back to Norman's Family house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Norman's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Norman and Barry are up yet. She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mum replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?' She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mum replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, little Johnny comes home and again asks, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'
His mum says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mum replies, 'OK, ok, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Norman came to my room for some Vaseline and I think...I gave him my model aeroplane glue!'
-
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
-
Damn! What a predicament... :P lol
-
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________
-- And the best for last: --
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
-
lol Thanks for sharing, Licks!!! I don't know who are worse, the lawyers or the wtnesses... Maybe the lawyers. :P
-
lol Thanks for sharing, Licks!!! I don't know who are worse, the lawyers or the wtnesses... Maybe the lawyers. :P
Definitely the lawyers... :emot_laughing: Great post Licks...
-
Great post licks, what makes it funnier is that it's true. Thanks for posting!
-
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God
loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
-
Heehee He should send his wife out to push the guy.
-
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in the hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said:
"Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
-
Enjoy ..... the Irish approach..........
A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
Was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to him in the town of
Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a
bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no
object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait
while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer
portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint ya in da nude alright . but I has to at least leave me
socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."....................
-
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"Fuck You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
-
All right now, Irish are not THAT stupid. :P LOVED the three religious guys joke and the stewardess story. So who was the guy???
-
An Englishman?
-
Sex After Surgery
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
“How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
“Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
-
lol She must've meant oral... ;-)
-
A farmer buys a young Cock.
As soon as it comes to farmhouse, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens.
Farmer is impressed.
At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens, Farmer gets worried now.
Next day, he finds the Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrots too.
Later, he finds the Cock lying pale, half-dead & Vultures circling over it's head.
Farmer says: horny bastard, you deserve this !
The Cock opens 1 eye, points up & says:
Sshhh! Don't shout, let them land...
-
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
-
LMAO Too funny, Vinney! That horny cock needs his own TV show! :P
-
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks ...
"Honey, I've been thinking ... now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face!
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
Tim replies, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife?!!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!!!"
Tim continues loading & responds, "I wasn't."
-
My first time having sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move.
She asked: "What are you doing?"
I replied: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering."
:roll:
-
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
-
Oh Vinney the mail man joke was funny ass shit!
-
Yeah, Vinney! More wives should "listen" to their husbands like that. ;-)
-
Yeah, Vinney! More wives should "listen" to their husbands like that. ;-)
True... so very, very true...!
-
:emot_rotf: :emot_rotf: :emot_rotf: :emot_rotf: :emot_rotf: :emot_rotf:
-
Why do women wear panties?
Because it's the law. The Health and Safety Act, 1985 states that "All manholes are to be covered when not in use" ;D
-
One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_rotf:
-
One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!
:emot_weird:
-
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
-
Sex ed matters, yo. :emot_rotf:
-
Good one Vinney! :emot_laughing:
-
Heehee Thanks, Vinney! That joke and Partners reply reminded me of a few lines in a movie... Totally unrelated, but i was reminded of them anyway. ;-)
-
Economics teacher – “Class, can you give me an example of a complete business failure due to professional negligence?”
Little Johnny – “A pregnant prostitute!”
-
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
-
"Out of the mouth of babes" as the saying goes, lol
-
One day a mother and son were having a shower together.
son: mummy, whats that? *points to her snatch*
the mother, thinking quickly on her feet says "thats a garage, every girl has one!"
the son asks, "what about boys, what do we have?"
the mother says, "boys have cars, to park in the garage! yours is a little ford, and daddys is a big holden!"
the mother than warned tha father of what she told their son.
that night the son has a nightmare and runs into his parents room. "mummy, mummy i had a bad dream!"
the mother calms him and says he can sleep in their bed until his father gets home from work.
the father gets home from work and walks into the bedroom, he says "its time for me to park my holden in the garage!" not knowing the son was in there.
the son whispers "haha daddy, when mummy fell asleep i parked my ford there first!"
-
Let's hope daddy isn't the jealous type... ;-)
-
An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
-
While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his
briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screams,"Schwartz is dead!"
-
Little Betty Lou was also a handful and very wise for her young age. It was Saturday and she was home with mom.
"Mom I'm bored" mom replied sweetly "go color in your books"
" Mom that's even more boring" Mom thinks "well go watch cartoons" she responds.
" Nah, that's no fun" Mom ponders and says " How about your dolls"?
" Oh mom ,wow I do that all the time" Mom is getting impatient by now and snaps" Why don't you go outside and blow bubbles"
Betty Lou face looked puzzled then shrugs shoulders. " OK, Mom"
She walks back in after about 30 minutes and mom asks" Well did you have fun blowing bubbles sweetheart"?
"Well its was OK, but kinda messy mom. But you know our dog Bubbles seemed to like it a whole bunch."
.............Mom fainted
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_rotf: :emot_rotf:
-
As long as Bubbles was happy... ;-) heeheehee
-
As long as Bubbles was happy... ;-) heeheehee
OMG... LMAO :emot_laughing:
-
As long as LaTina is happy, too... ;-)
-
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
-
HOLY PROSTITUTES
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...
It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you! my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another
sign:
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
-
lol... OMFG... :emot_laughing:
-
That was CLASSIC Vinney
-
(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/558383_471960269531589_959947985_n.png)
-
Lucky bike...
-
(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/558383_471960269531589_959947985_n.png)
Nice one Licks... wobbles on the cobbles.... ;D
-
A man goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn’t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. “Good God, Dear,” he proclaims, “I’ve just had the worst day of my entire life!”
She responds, “You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.”
-
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful,” says the first man. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”
“It’s very uncomfortable at first”, says the second man. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?”
“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first man.
“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
-
THE FREEZER!!! *smacks forehead* I forgot about the freezer! :P
-
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
-
Of course he went and met her in Room 221... ;-) Unless he was gay
-
.
-
Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"
His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."
Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"
-
lol Kids are too damned smart nowadays. :P
-
:emot_laughing: ... kids i tell you...
-
Who in their right mind would wear white sock with sandals?!? Geez!
-
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
vinney my love, was that you at the Sheraton? Ooh-la-la! :emot_kiss:
-
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
vinney my love, was that you at the Sheraton? Ooh-la-la! :emot_kiss:
Shucks Becca...!!! You got me again... surprised you don't know my elbow by now... :roll: Can I have it back now please...?
-
Getting oral sex from a ugly person is like rock climbing - don't look down...
-
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
-
And we like you thinking, Vinney. ;-)
-
ohh vinney... :emot_laughing: love your jokes
-
A rural Pastor keeps chickens in the churchyard. One Saturday evening a cock went missing. The next day during church announcements the Pastor asks,
"Who has a cock?" All the men got up..
"No, I mean, who has SEEN a cock?" All the women got up..
"No, no, no! I meant", getting a little flustered, "who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?" More than half the women in the congregation got up..
"Oh, for goodness sake!! Who has seen MY cock?!?" All the choir girls got up, the Pastors wife fainted..
"Oh, for Christ.s sake!!!!" the Pastor shouted, " a rooster, you whores, a rooster, a fucking rooster!!!"
-
"But Pastor, don't all roosters fuck?" :P lol
-
I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning lotto!! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
Such an unfair world - When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife, bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today, Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69.
-
Malsexie, you had me cracking up! ;-)
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_mdmyday:
-
HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
A Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
We were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
Reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
Drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
Right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
Hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
Celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
To me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
Something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
Making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
Thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
Grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
Scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
The house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
Grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
Lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
Boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
Downpour The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
Garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
Would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
Into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
Anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
Terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
Stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
About 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
For Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
Verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
Home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
To go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
Me and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
The Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
Your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."
And then the fight started.......
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
-
A woman married and had 9 children. Her husband died and she soon married again and had another 7 children. Again her husband died, but she remarried yet again and this time had another 4 children.
Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment of "Go forth and multiply". In his final eulogy he said: "Thank you, Lord, they are finally together."
Leaning over to his neighbour, one mourner asked: "Do you think he means her 1st, 2nd or 3rd husband?"
The other mourner replied: " I think he means her legs."
-
Who in their right mind would wear white sock with sandals?!? Geez!
This shit never happens on my damn street. I need to move hahaha
-
Mal,Jem & Vinney. Priceless jokes to you all thanks. And oh boy do I know the "and the fight started" feeling. lol
-
Husband On 1st Night Finding His Wife A Virgin Is Overjoyed And Says.
Husband: “I Wanna Kiss The One Who Took Care Of You & Protected Your Virginity”
Wife: “Kiss My Ass“
-
Three boys are enjoying a quiet night in a pub, when a man stumbles in and orders a beer.
Spying the group, the drunk stumbles over, points at one of the boys and shouts: ‘I’ve fucked your mum!’
The lads ignored him and returned to their beer.
He shouts again: ‘Up the ass!’
Although irritated, they ignore him again. The drunk stands up again points at the boy and yells: ‘Your Mum’s sucked my cock!’
The boy looks up wearily. ‘You’re drunk, Dad. Go home.’
-
vinney, you so make logging on worthwhile. Always bringing smiles and chuckles, not to mention elbows and hot stories. Love ya sugar! :emot_kiss:
-
Thanks Becca... so sweet of you to say... :emot_kiss:
now try this one...
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
-
Breakfast was late and husband and wife were badly hung over from a particularly wild party the night before.
Bleary eyed, he said to his wife, "Was it you I made love to in the garden last night?"
"About what time?" she replied.
-
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the Vegas craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman from Tennessee arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and- down....and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,. "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."
-
Jem, you are cruel. But funny as Hell! ;-)
-
Vinney, funny as ever!
-
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.
-
Haha, you're on a roll sugar....loved them all. Keep it up!
-
I'm keeping it up... but a bit embarrassing with wifey watching and wondering what that great big bulge is in front of me... as if she can't remember...! :emot_laughing:
-
Tell her it's your elbow. :emot_laughing:
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.
lol... should watch...
-
:emot_laughing: good one to watch Latina...
-
lol I had figured they forgot the plug in the pain transfer machine or something... ;-)
-
Stuttering Cat - as explained by a Grade 4 student
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before she could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"
The teacher had to leave the room.
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
When I was in junior. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with large breasts.
-
You and me both, Vinney. ;-) You and me both.
-
Is that one each GG...? If so bags I have the right one and you have what's left...!!!
:emot_laughing:
-
Are you saying the one who's left is ugly or something? What are you trying to say? :P lol
-
Stuttering Cat - as explained by a Grade 4 student
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before she could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"
The teacher had to leave the room.
:emot_laughing: OK, that one got me to laughing out loud. Even the dogs and cats in the house wondered what was going on. Good one!!
-
Are you saying the one who's left is ugly or something? What are you trying to say? :P lol
Okay... okay... playing fair now...makes no difference as they're both beautiful... a beautiful pair of DD's... so you have the right one... and I'll have the one that's left...
:emot_laughing:
-
An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $1,000?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $ 10,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $100,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says,"Hmmmmm, $100,000... OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"No!," says the little old man... "That costs too much!
-
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"
He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
-
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe’s throne.
The chief then said “All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me.”
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, “Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you’d have gotten away!”
The second guy answered while still laughing, “I couldn’t help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples.”
-
Omg that last one had me laughing the hardest!!
-
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe’s throne.
The chief then said “All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me.”
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, “Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you’d have gotten away!”
The second guy answered while still laughing, “I couldn’t help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples.”
OMG, thank you Vinney... really needed the laugh
-
"Give it here!"
"Let me have it!"
"It's my turn!"
"You had it last!"
"Fuck off!"
"Come on, gimme it!"
"No way!"
"But it's my go"
..................................Siamese twins having a wank
-
Share and share alike... :emot_laughing:
-
Josh lusted after Linda.
When she finally agreed to go out with him, he took her out to dinner and then afterwards, drove her five miles out into the country, parked, and said passionately, "I want you right here, right now. Do it... or you can walk home!"
Without saying a word, Linda got out of the car and walked home.
A month later, after much apologizing, Linda agreed to go out with Josh again. This time he drove ten miles out in the country, parked, and begged, "Please. I must make love to you right now. Do it... or walk home!"
Again, Linda walked home.
Two months later, after even more apologizing and gifts of flowers and jeweler, she accepted another invitation. This time, just to make sure, Josh drove fifty miles out of town and gave her the same ultimatum.
Without a word, Linda undressed and gave him the greatest sex of his young life. As they were driving home, Josh asked, "Why did you walk home the first two dates, when you so obviously enjoy sex?"
Linda answered, "Well, it's like this: I'll walk five miles or even ten miles to save a friend from AIDS, but fifty..."
-
A young lady had just visited her doctor and was informed she was pregnant. She had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus on her way home, she felt she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to tell.
"Sir," she said. "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll burst." She told him what the doctor had told her and how long she had waited for the event.
The man shared her enthusiasm, then he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer. "I use to have trouble with the hens laying fertilized eggs. But one day I went out to the hen house and checked the eggs the hens had laid. All were fertilized."
"What changed that made them all fertilized?" the young lady asked.
"Simple. I changed cocks!"
"Confidentially," the newly pregnant woman responded, "So did I."
-
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. “Mom”, the boy asks, “What’s a pussy?”
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says “Son, that is a pussy.” the son then asks “What’s a bitch?” The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says “Son, this is a bitch.”
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says “Dad, what’s a pussy?” The father doesn’t want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says “Son, this is a pussy!”
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks “Then, what is a bitch?”
The dad replies, “That’s everything outside the circle!”
-
Another hilarious He Said, She Said joke. Thanks, Vinney!
-
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
-
:emot_laughing: vinney and Jem, thanks for the laughs.
-
Jajajajajaja... OMG.... *sigh*... jajajajajaja
-
A Priest was presenting a special children's mass to the congregation.
During the message, he asked the children if they knew what the
resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's mass is crucial, but at the
same time, asking the children questions in front of a congregation can
also be very dangerous.
Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection,
a little boy raised his hand. The Priest called on him and the little
boy said, "All I know is that if you have a resurrection that lasts
more than 4 hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough
from their laughter for mass to be continued
-
(danger, clean joke, do not panic)
It's the middle of World War II and the battles have descended into trenches. The Sargent looks around to find all of his men killed but one; a lowly private who everyone knew was slow of wit. Their ammo was depleted, their weapons mostly ruined and the enemy was starting to advance.
"Son, I want you to stand up there and shoot those soldiers!"
"I haven't got a gun, Sargent!"
The Sargent grabs a flag standard, breaks the flag off, hands him the long stick and says "Son, I want you to close your eyes, aim this at them and yell Bang each time you shoot one of them!"
Not knowing what else to do, the private was trained to trust the Sargent. He closed his eyes, stood at the side of the mound and started screaming "Bangitty bang bang bangitty bang" over and over. When he opened his eyes 30 of the enemy soldiers lay dead in the field.
Equally amazed was the Sargent, but to his dismay the enemy rallied with an even greater number of troops! "What do I do?" asked the private. "My gun will never hold that much ammo!"
Quickly the Sargent grabs a piece of cloth, wraps it around the end of the stick and says "Private, this is your bayonet! I want you to close your eyes and shoot the enemy and ram this bayonet into their hearts! Just get up there and do it, son, we are all counting on you!"
As easily a hundred men started advancing the private again closed his eyes, leapt onto the field, and began screaming "Bangitty bang bang! Stabbitty Stab Stab" over and over for what seemed an eternity..
As the dust settled the Sargent and Private were equally surprised to see over a hundred dead soldiers on the field of battle, save for one who was walking straight at them!
Once again, the private closed his eyes and started screaming over and over "Bangitty bang bang, stabbity stab stab" on and on until the other soldier walked right over top of him... Heard mumbled under his breath were the words... "tanketty tank tank..."
-
:emot_laughing:
-
(http://i.imgur.com/xtsBqqr.jpg)
I was in a pub the other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh, talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And...that's the last thing I remember....
-
Getting Old
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive.’
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer...'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more.. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
-
Crushed nuts? No arthritis....lol
-
Really, Watcher? You called those lasses whales??? ;-)
Loved the Getting Old jokes. Hilarious!
-
Nice jokes about the old ones, just wondering which one was about watcher?
-
Nice jokes about the old ones, just wondering which one was about watcher?
Were these jokes? :o
-
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand...
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching..
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
-
A friend of mine just came out to me as 'asexual', and I was too embarrassed to ask how that was different from being ugly...
-
A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
-
:emot_laughing:
LMFAO
-
LMFAO
Me, too!
-
:emot_laughing: Everybody's on a roll with the jokes. Perfect for a dreary, rainy Thursday. Many thanks to the posters for the laughs. :emot_kiss:
-
OMFG... LOL... :emot_rotf: :emot_rotf: :emot_clap:
-
A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colours of my favourite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."
The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"
The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"
The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"
She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, it feels good!"
-
Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly:
Nike Condoms : - Just do it.
Ford Condoms : - The ride of your life.
Sony Condoms : - Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms.
Microsoft Condoms : - Where do you want to go today?
KFC Condoms : - Finger Licking Good.
M&Ms Condoms : - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Bernard Matthews Condoms : - Beautiful
Safeway Condoms : - Lightening the Load
Abbey National Condoms : - Because life's complicated enough
Coca Cola Condoms : - The Real Thing.
Ever Ready Condoms : - Keep going and going ....
ESSO Condoms: - The eye of the Tiger
Macintosh Condoms : - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Pringles Condoms : - Once you pop, you can't stop.
Burger King Condoms:- Home of the Whopper.
Goodyear condoms : "For a longer ride go wide"
-
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
================================================================
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
================================================================
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
-
You Are My First
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally
gets himself to the doctor.
He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and
my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal
and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided
bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his
honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal
a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the
CRATE!"
-
Lmfao :D
-
How the Jews Got The Ten Commandments:
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for
you that will make your lives better."
And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? Get away from me with that stuff."
So he went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? How we s'pose to know dat?."
So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? Are you crazy?"
He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said,
"Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? You must be joking".
So, he finally went to the Jews and said, "I have commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
-
You Are My First
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally
gets himself to the doctor.
He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and
my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal
and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided
bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his
honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal
a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the
CRATE!"
Now that is some funny shit....
-
What do the United States congress and lesbians have in common?
They both don't do dick.
-
A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".
The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages..."
-
Give that guy a prize, he's a genius! :P lol
-
The Golden Toilet Seat
There was this guy who had been to about every bar in town. So one
night, he hopped into a taxi cab and told the driver to take him to
the best bar in town. The cabby took him to a bar, where he got
half-drunk. He hopped into the same cab and said that the bar wasn't
good enough -- take him to another one. The cabby took him to another
bar, where the guy had the time of his life.
The next morning, this guy was in yet another bar telling his buddy
what a good time he had the night before, but he couldn't remember
where he was. All he could remember was a red door and a golden toilet
seat.
"Man, we gotta find this place," said his buddy.
So the two spent half the day searching for a bar with a red door
until they found one. They walked in, and the guy asked the bartender,
"Was I here last night and too drunk to tell? All I remember is a red
door and a golden toilet seat."
The bartender hollered to the back, "HEY, FRED. HERE'S THAT SON OF A
BITCH WHO TOOK A SHIT IN YOUR TUBA LAST NIGHT."
-
Good one, TD!
A young woman walks into a clinic and sits down next to an attractive young man. "Are you here to donate blood? They pay me fifty dollars to donate, because I have rare blood," she said with an air of self-satisfaction.
"No, they want me to donate sperm. They pay me seven hundred dollars," he replied, as a matter-of-fact.
"Oh," was her only reply.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next week, the young man sees the woman back in the lobby. "Are you here to donate blood again?"
The woman shakes her head, no. "Mmmm-mmm!" she replies without opening her mouth.
-
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
==================================================================================================================================
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That�s a good piece of fir." "Correct,� says the manager, �now try this one." "That�s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,� says the blind man, �Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you�re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It�s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"
-
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a roomeveryone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
-
Little Johnny is delivering newspapers.
He knocks on a door and says to the lady, "I'm collecting today... that'll be five dollars."
She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but I'll gladly give you some great sex instead."
Little Johnny agrees, "All right."
He walks in and the lady undoes his pants and pulls them down. To her surprise, she sees the biggest penis she's ever seen.
Little Johnny then reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of washers, and begins sliding them onto his penis.
The lady says, "You don't have to do that... I can take all of it."
"Not for five bucks you can't," replies Little Johnny.
-
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.
"My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I wet all over the backseat. I'm here to be put down."
The other two dogs nodded sympatheticly, then the second, a Kelpie, explained his situation.
"A brand new Persian rug had just been placed in the loungeroom, and it was very expensive. My owners made a big fuss of it, when it came. Then, once when I was in the room, I had an incredible urge to roll all over it. So I did, and ended up getting quite a bit of my fur over the mat. My owners were very annoyed, and sent me here to be put to sleep."
The other two dogs nodded, and the first dog asked the third, a German Shepard, what he was there for.
"My owner has this habit of cleaning the house in the nude, and once when she was cleaning under the sofa, I just couldn't help myself. I jumped on and had the ride of my life."
The other dogs tut-tutted. "So you're here to be put down too?" he asked.
The Shepard shook his head. "No, just to get my nails clipped!"
-
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
-
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
For example...
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as
she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a
drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them
stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?
-
I'm in joke overload! lol Lots of great jokes all at once, Janus had some of the best ones, TD's was good, too. Vinney is still in top form. Poor dogs... :P
-
:emot_laughing: *takes a breath* :emot_rotf: *breath* :emot_rotf:
-
I hate being bipolar.............. It,s awesome!
Ihave CDO. Its like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be.
I have sexdaily, I mean dyslexia!! Fcuk!!
Vegetarian.. ancient tribal slang for the village idiot that can't hunt, fish or ride.
I'm not saying you're stupid, Im saying that you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
Of course I talk like an idiot. How the hell else do you understand me?!?
Sorry, I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people that need it most don't use it.
I don't hate you. I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank.
NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no evidence of ESPN, beer or porn. This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars.
-
Ouch, Jem. ;-)
I just saw Deep Blue Sea on Saturday so the shark tank one is pretty much indelibly burned into my brain. :P
-
Funniest Greatest Proverbs
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
-
Poor eagle... :( :P
-
1. Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
2. Why do they have braille on the drive-thru ATM machines?
-
Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".
Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".
Before he could finish the old lady fainted!
-
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says,
"Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the centre line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no...... not the Breathalyser again!"
-
Awesome jokes again Vinney....
-
You always find the funniest jokes vinney, thanks for sharing with the rest of us.
-
Flight to Houston
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replie, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." She then gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, "First class isn't going to Houston."
-
Yes, it's the Breathalyzer Test again. ;-)
I feel bad for the Blonde. All those empty seats and they couldn't let her stay?
-
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping, she shook her head no.
He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.
The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."
-
Bumper Stickers
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes"
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar
The gene pool could use a little chlorine
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
Where there's a will, I want to be in it
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
I am the boss in my household and I have my wife's permission to say so
Why is there never enough time to do it right but always time to do it over?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Men only have two faults: All they say and all they do
I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck they will begin making vacuum cleaners
Ninety percent of politics is deciding who to blame
-
Miss B... loved the bumper stickers!!
:emot_laughing:
-
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'
-
:emot_rotf: :emot_rotf:
-
At least she forgot she was depressed. :P
-
Cowboy Wishes
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked
trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's
horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming
itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew
his six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an
enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any
three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the
snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face
like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger,
and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house
you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the
way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight
inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face
of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging,
rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger's.
Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and
shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!".
-
There's a lesson in this, kids: THINK before you wish. lol
-
Okay, this one is REALLY bad, but I think I'm on the right site for it:
Two gay men were walking along a beach when one of them kicked an old oil lamp buried in the sand.
"Rub it! Rub it!" one said, prancing effeminately.
His partner smiled and rubbed the lamp.
A genie emerged, looked at the two men, and shook his head. "Alright, you freed me, you guys get three wishes..." he said reluctantly.
The first man jumped up and down. "Yay! I want matching pink Ferarris!"
Suddenly the cars appeared in the parking lot nearby.
The other man gasped, covering his mouth with his hand. "Oh. My. God. I want two big, strong Swedish underwear models!"
The genie grimaced with frustration, but the models appeared, walking up to the cars.
"Um, fellas, could you maybe just think the next one? I really don't need to hear how you use that last wish," the genie said, feeling very uncomfortable.
Suddenly, a hundred men in white robes ran up, put a noose around one man's head, threw the other end of the rope over a lightpost, and proceeded to lynch one of the gay men.
"NO! NO! NO!" his partner cried, terrified.
"What the fuck did you wish for?" the genie asked, alarmed.
"I wished he was hung like a black man!"
-
The ultimate rejection would be having your hand fall asleep while you're maturbating :aol_poundit:
-
Man Falls Asleep At Church
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local
church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps
falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What
should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I
will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to
you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the
leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this,
the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones
nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?"
he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones
again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As
he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs.
Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him
his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned
thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up
your ***!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
-
:emot_rotf: :emot_rotf:
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store
clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics
rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart
bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding
a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was
going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the
irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
-
The Unhappy Man
A man lost both of his arms in a car accident. When he recovered in
the hospital, he found that he was useless and decided to commit
suicide by jumping out of a 10th-story window. As he looked down from
the window, he saw a man with no arms just like him dancing wildly and
happily on the street. He decided to find out what made this man so
happy.
Arriving on the street, he asked, "Hey, brother, stop dancing for a
minute and tell what your secret is that you are so happy."
The dancing man responded, "What do you mean, happy? Hell no! I feel
itchy like hell in my ass, but I can't reach it."
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
Some great jokes here... thanks Becca... Janus and everyone else...
-
Three divorced guys were out playing golf. One of the guys hit his ball into the sand bunker. Upon entering the bunker, he kicked something buried just below the surface of the sand. Uncovering it, he found it to be an old oil lamp.
He picked it up and showed it to his two golf friends.
"Well," one of his friends said, "You know the drill. Rub it."
The man rubbed the lamp and a Genie appeared.
"For releasing me from the lamp, I will grant a total of 3 wishes. One to each of you."
The first guy was about to make a wish when the Genie interrupted him. "Let it be known that whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will receive double that of your wish."
The three men pondered this for a minute.
The first guy said, "I've always wanted a Ferrari. Genie, I wish for a Ferrari."
The Genie crossed his arms, closed his eyes and nodded his head. A puff of smoke arose from the nearby parking lot and when it cleared, there were 3 shiny Ferrari's.
"One is yours," the Genie said. "The other two are for your ex-wife."
The second guy then said, "Genie, I wish for a 10,000 sqft house overlooking the 18th green."
The Genie crossed his arms and was about to grant the wish when he reminded the man that his ex-wife would receive a 20,000 sqft house.
"Yeah, no problem," said the man.
The Genie closed his eyes, nodded his head, and around the 18th green two gigantic houses suddenly appeared, one was twice the size of the other.
"That house is yours," the Genie said pointing to the smaller of the two houses. Pointing to the bigger house he said, "That one is for your ex-wife."
The Genie then looked to the third man. "And what will you wish for?"
The man walked over to his golf bag and pulled out his 3-wood. He then handed the 3-wood to the Genie and said, "Genie, I wish for you to beat me half to death with my golf club."
-
TD, you got me good with the church joke!
-
A mother was preparing dinner for her family one evening when her young daughter walked into the kitchen.
"Mommy, where do you get babies come from?"
Knowing that the 'inevitable moment' was upon her, the mother decided to tell the little girl the truth.
"Mommy and Daddy meet and fall in love. They get married then they get into bed and kiss and cuddle and have sex. That means Daddy puts his penis in mommy's vagina. That's how you get babies."
"Oooooh!", said the little girl. She's quiet for a while, her forehead creased in concentration, as if she's really thinking about this.
"The other night when I walked into your bedroom, you had Daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get from that?"
"Jewellery, my angel, jewellery."
-
A Carnal Test
Three couples wanted to be admitted into a new church. One was an
elderly couple, one was a middle-aged couple, and one was a young
couple.
The priest said, "Well, the only way you can get into my church is to
abstain from having sex for two weeks."
"No problem," said all three couples.
Two weeks later, the three couples returned to the church.
"It was a piece of cake," said the elderly couple. "We didn't have sex
for two weeks straight."
The middle-aged couple said, "It was kind of difficult, but we made
it. We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."
Finally, the young couple said, "Well, we made it through the first
five days or so, but then, as my wife was bending over to pick up a
can of paint, I just had to give it to her right then and there."
The priest was stunned. "You do realize that you aren't welcome in
this church, don't you?"
The couple shrugged it off. "That's ok. We aren't welcome in Home
Depot anymore, either."
-
Joe and Michelle... nice... :emot_laughing:
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Actually this is a true story about Valentine's Day when I was 17 years old... a long time ago...
I bought a Valentine's card for my then girlfriend...the first such card I had ever bought... Ironically February 14th was also my step father's birthday and I also got him a birthday card...
I wrote both cards then slipped them into and sealed the envelopes...my mother came into the room and, embarrassed about the Valentines card I hid them both down the side of my chair...
Soon I managed to retrieve them and with the cards already sealed in their white envelopes I addressed them then slipped them in the post...
Next day one dropped through the letter box addressed to my stepfather. My mother picked it up and left it for him to open when he got home from work...
Course he opened it and out came a Valentine's card with wording similar to 'My darling Valentine... the one I love.' His eyes brightened up thinking he had a secret admirer... however my mother was rather upset thinking he had a bit on the side and nearly killed him...
I never did own up to that... in fact when I saw my girlfriend that evening she nearly crowned me too... but she saw the funny side of it... popped his birthday card into a new envelope and posted it off to him...
We laughed till we nearly pee'd our drawers...
Sorry this might not be funny to you but I still laugh when I think of my innocent mistake...
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
One Day Three Friends Go To A Ski Lodge And There Aren’t Enough Rooms, So They Have To Share A Bed.
In The Middle Of The Night, The Guy On The Right Wakes Up And Says: “I Had This Wild, Vivid Dream Of Getting A Hand Job!”
The Guy On The Left Wakes Up And Unbelievably He’s Had The Same Dream Too.
Then The Guy In The Middle Wakes Up And Says: “That’s Funny, I Dreamed I Was Skiing!“
-
:emot_laughing: funny mistake... gotta love those
-
Great one, Jem! And Vinney, loved the Valentine's Day mix-up!
-
The accidental card-swap is hilarious! :emot_laughing:
-
Original Text
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the
reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can
enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of
the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning
languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the
library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working
back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come
running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to
himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A
particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks
him what the problem is and what does he mean.
After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'.
They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
-
TD... :emot_laughing:
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
Becca...! That's great... (but not for the Pope)...
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Good one TD. I always wondered why god would build us equipped to fuck and then expect us to not do it..? Turns out, we got it wrong. Makes sense. :)
-
Well I guess that's why he quit.... :emot_laughing:
-
A man walks into a bar and see a huge banner behind the bar which says enter the he-man contest and win $1,000. He goes up to the bartender and asks what the contest is all about. The bartender tells him you pay $100 and you hve to complete 3 challenges. 1 go over to the bouncer and knock him out with one punch. 2 there's an pitbull out back with a bad tooth and you have to pull it out without knocking the dog out. 3 there's a 80 y/o virgin up stairs that you have to have intercourse with.
After about 6 beers the guy goes up to the bartender slaps $100 on the bar and says I'm in.
He goes over to the bouncer and manages to knock him out with 1 punch.
Next he goes out back and everyone in the bar hear hollering, barking , growling. the guy comes back in all out of breath scratched and bitten all over and says, "OK, where's the old lady with the bad tooth?".
-
That reminds me, I want to see a real macho sport in the next Olympics. Something along the lines of wild bear fucking.
-
Should i feel bad for the Pitbull? lol Good one, Grumpy!
-
That reminds me, I want to see a real macho sport in the next Olympics. Something along the lines of wild bear fucking.
Hehehe, anything but curling and bobsled.
Good one, Grumpy. Keep 'em coming!
-
poor pitbull... lol :emot_laughing:
-
Oh, to be young again
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to
walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men
use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in
health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks,
"Why are there three in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one
for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are
these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for
Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a
12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for
January, one for February, one for March."
-
He couldn't tell his son that was for Miss January, Miss February, Miss March... ;-)
-
He couldn't tell his son that was for Miss January, Miss February, Miss March... ;-)
Great joke TD... but fantastic response GG... you obviously have experienced this...?
-
A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her.
A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her.
A few minutes later, she waves him over again and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn."
The barman looks her up and down and says, "First off, it's bartender, not barfender. Second off, it's martini, not marhini. And third, you don't have heartburn, your boob is in the ashtray."
-
Loved that, Vinney. You do have some of the best jokes here.
-
That must be some boob! :P
-
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
===========================================================
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
==================================================================
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
-
Two drunk men are walking down the street on the hottest day of the year, sweating like crazy. They walk by a large Rottweiler licking it's balls.
"Man, I wish I could do that," said the first drunk.
"I think you'd better try petting him first," warned his friend.
-
A rich man and a poor man are both buying anniversary gifts for their girlfriends.
"What are you getting your girlfriend?" asks the poor man.
And the rich man says "I'm getting her a diamond ring and a Marcedes."
"Why both?" asks the poor man.
And the rich man says "That way if she doesn't like the ring she can still enjoy the Marcedes when she returns the ring."
And then the rich man asks the poor man "What are you getting your girlfriend?"
And the poor man says "I'm buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."
-
I love the jokes on here, thanks everyone 4 making me laugh :)
-
Janus, Vinney, hilarious shit. I'm sure someone "definitely shit [their] pants" lol
-
lol... :emot_laughing:
-
A Good Weigh
On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her
what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed."
So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's weight.
He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since
Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.
Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe
asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So
they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's
weight correctly.
Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round.
After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want
to get weighed!" she said again.
Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the
evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.
Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the
evening went.
"Wousy!" Rose replied.
-
A man walks into a crowded local bar in Darwin brandishing a revolver yelling,
"Who's the bastard that's been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar shouts back.
"You don't have enough ammo mate!!"
-
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea.
Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea."
Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."
-
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"
-
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks,
"Bob, what are you doing?"
Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
-
This has probably already been submitted at one point or another but I thought I'd post it again.
If any of these describe you, you're a redneck!
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You've ever used a weed eater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You go to your family reunion to meet women.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
Your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
Ya can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.
Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.
You were taught to put your underwear on yellow in front, brown behind.
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
-
A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.
The father and son are in the hotel lobby when they spot an elevator.
"What's that Paw?" The boy asked.
"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" replied the father.
Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cane, waits for the doors to open and gets in.
The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.
They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.
The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"
-
How do you circumcize a redneck?
Kick his sister in the chin.
-
Great stuff, Vinney! But Janus, you had me cracking up like crazy! Some of those redneck jokes were too funny.
-
An old one but...
(http://i.imgur.com/f0OLLEK.jpg) (http://imgur.com/f0OLLEK)
-
That must be some boob! :P
Or a short, well endowed woman.
-
An older married couple decided to take a Caribbean cruise. On the first day of the cruise, the wife's hearing aid batteries ran down, and she discovered that she didn't bring any spares. So she decided she could make do without the hearing aid for the duration of the cruise.
That first night the husband was standing in their stateroom, a small room which could only accommodate a bunk bed. He turned to his wife who had just come out of the bathroom in her nightgown. "Well honey, up or down?" he asked her.
Her eyes got wide, and she ripped off her nightgown, pulled him to the bottom bunk and proceeded to give him the most enthusiastic and passionate sex of their 30 plus year marriage. He was incredulous but very happy.
The next night he looked at his wife, and tentatively asked her the same question, "Up or down." His wife repeated the the same actions as the night before. The husband was quite surprised and very satisfied, so he repeated the question for the next 4 nights of the cruise.
When the couple got home on the 7th day, the wife replaced the batteries in her hearing aid and joined her husband by the TV.
He turned to her and asked, "Dear, what was it about the voyage that turned you on so much?"
"What you said," she replied.
"That's what I don't understand," he said. "All I asked was which bunk bed you wanted, up or down?"
"OH," she sighed, obviously relieved. "I thought you said, 'Fuck or drown.'"
-
An old one but...
(http://i.imgur.com/f0OLLEK.jpg) (http://imgur.com/f0OLLEK)
Perhaps my favorite one yet. Great post.
-
lol Katie, "Fuck or drown", good one! ;-)
-
fuck or drown... :emot_laughing:
-
A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text..............
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me
your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send
me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
He replied........"I'm taking a crap. What should I do?"
-
Bit, he sure ruined the mood.
-
That's a man for you Katiebee, don't know when to stop when they're ahead. All he had to say was "I love you too."
-
oh shit... wait what!!! :emot_laughing:
-
Probably already posted a long time ago...
A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. "I'll make you a bet," he says to the bartender.
"Oh yeah?"
"I'll bet you two thousand bucks I can piss in this empty glass from five feet away, fill it exactly to the brim, and I won't spill a drop." He pulled out a briefcase with stacks of twenty dollar bills.
The bartender counted, nodding. "You're on."
The man put the glass on the bar, stood up on the bar, walked at least five feet away, unzipped his pants and began to piss everywhere, all over the bar, the floor, the walls... everywhere except the glass.
The bartender roared with laughter, counting his winnings. "You crack me up, buddy. How the fuck do you get by making such stupid bets?"
The man gestured to some angry looking men sitting in the back. "I bet those men over there ten thousand dollars I could piss all over your bar, and you would just laugh."
-
A girl was walking home from school and saw a group of boys. The boys stopped her to ask if she would help them climb up the tree to get their kite for them so she did.
She went home and told her mother about it and she burst in anger at her foolishness.
"Don't ever do that again!" She shouted and the girl replied "but why?"
And the mother explains "because dirty boys only want to look at your underwear when you climb up the tree." The daughter shook her head and went to bed.
The next day she walked the same path home and saw the same group of boys. Again they asked her to get their kite for them and again she did then went home and told her mother about incident.
Her mother again burst in anger saying "I thought I told you not to do that. Dirty boys only want to look at your undies" and the girl replies "but mommy, I was smart this time because this time I wasn't wearing any undies."
-
Now that's the kind of smarts i like! ;-) lol
-
A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.
The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"
"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."
"And?" prompted the doctor.
"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick."
"It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."
-
THE TRIP TO ITALY
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean; but just before she could
throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we
are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always
wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but
comfortable compartment in the ship’s hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a
bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He
brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
-
Spanish Oysters
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins.'
-
Both really damn good, Watcher.
-
Spanish Oysters
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins.'
Woo for the bull!
-
*gag* You can have my order Watcher.
-
Spanish Oysters
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins.'
OMG.... 0vomit0 :emot_rotf:
-
Either way you look at it, ..... Eeeeewwwwwww!
:emot_sick:
-
"Sometimes the bull wins"... OUCH!!!
lol Watcher, you've illicted more than a few responses to that one. :P
-
I have 'restless leg' syndrome...
... I can't stop jerking my middle leg.
-
This thread is quickly becoming a part of the morning routine. :emot_laughing:
-
I have 'restless leg' syndrome...
... I can't stop jerking my middle leg.
Lol.. roflmao
-
Spanish Oysters
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins.'
:o Oh fucking bollocks...!
-
I have 'restless leg' syndrome...
... I can't stop jerking my middle leg.
Lol.. roflmao
You and me too... :emot_laughing:
-
RopeFiend and Katiebee both fucking crack me up all the time. Seriously, they need their own thread where they just say funny shit and rip on people. :emot_laughing:
-
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
-
You outdid yourself on that one vinney. :emot_laughing:
-
RopeFiend and Katiebee both fucking crack me up all the time. Seriously, they need their own thread where they just say funny shit and rip on people. :emot_laughing:
I would read that thread daily too.....
Vinney that was awesome.....
-
RopeFiend and Katiebee both fucking crack me up all the time. Seriously, they need their own thread where they just say funny shit and rip on people. :emot_laughing:
we'd need really great straight men to do that.
-
A priest is giving confession but he drank a little too much communion wine before hand and had to piss really bad. So when the next guy was done with his confession the priest asked him, "Would you mind sitting in for me while I piss?"
The man being a pleasant soul said sure no problem. So the priest showed the man a list of sins and the corresponding penances to go along with them. So the man was pretty secure that he had things under control.
The man was going along giving away Our Fathers, Hail Mary's, Rosaries and everything was going good. Then a lady came in said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."
So the man looked on his list for Blowjob but couldn't find it. He crossed reference it with Head, Sucked Dick, and Oral Sex but couldn't find a penance.
So he asked an Altar Boy, "Hey, what does the priest give for a blowjob?"
To which the kid replied, "He usually gives us two candy bars and a soda pop."
-
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him….
“You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
“Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
“Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!”
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “Remember that blow job I promised you?”
“Well, here it comes!”
-
:emot_laughing: Good one Vinney.......
Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One.
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
-
:emot_laughing: Good one Vinney.......
Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One.
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
So WHAT, Its Fucking true.... So WHAT, we FUCKING PMS like a FUCKING BITCH.... *smiles SWEETLY* did I forget something... oh yeah... you still love us... lol
-
Good one Vinnie .... :emot_laughing:
-
Very true latina....We still love ya all.......
-
Q: What does an Olympic silver medalist and a priest have in common?
A: They both came in a little behind.
-
:emot_laughing: Good one Vinney.......
Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One.
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
So WHAT, Its Fucking true.... So WHAT, we FUCKING PMS like a FUCKING BITCH.... *smiles SWEETLY* did I forget something... oh yeah... you still love us... lol
:emot_laughing: Well played, both of you.
-
Q: What does an Olympic silver medalist and a priest have in common?
A: They both came in a little behind.
Good one, bro. I like the quickies.
-
Q: What does an Olympic silver medalist and a priest have in common?
A: They both came in a little behind.
Good one, bro. I like the quickies.
you can't go wrong with a quickie!!! ;D
-
Here are a few to kick off a new day....
Son said to Dad “I'm Gay.”
Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”
Other son said “Me too Dad.”
Dad said “Fuck me, doesn't anyone in this fucking family like pussy?”
The Daughter said “I do…”
10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “If any of you are Paedophiles you can f**k off down to Hell.”
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “And take this deaf bastard with you.”
In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”
I said “Sorry mate. Did he drown?”
“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”
My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you....he is in Prison.
The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you?”
I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.”
Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…! That's when I thought “Fucking hell...wait a minute…”
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said,
“That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."
-
Good ones Hoss... :emot_laughing:
-
There once was a newly-wed couple on vacation down in Florida and on of the days they decided to play golf. They were doing alright and having fun until the sixth hole when the husband slices his ball and they hear a large crash. They immediately went to the source and knocked on the door of a condo with a broken window. A man answers the door wearing nothing but boxers and behind him they can see a golf ball and a broken vase. They immediately start apologizing profusely and the man stops them and says, "No I should thank you, you see I am a genie and have been stuck in that vase for hundreds of years, and in return I offer you three wishes." The couple thinks it over and makes wishes for money, cars, and a home. Each time they wished for something the genie would snap his fingers and say, "your wish has been granted." After granting their wishes the genie says, "now that I have given you all these nice things, could you grant me a wish?" The couple accepts and the genie asks if he can sleep with the wife. The husband and wife agree as he has given them all of their wants and needs and the genie takes the wife to the bedroom and makes love to her. After they are done the genie asks the wife, "How old is your husband?" and she replies "27." To which the genie says "and he still believes in genies?"
-
A pirate walks into a bar, wearing the ship's wheel in his mid-section.
He awkwardly takes a seat at the bar, his eyebrow furrowed above his eyepatch and a frown stretching his waxed mustache.
The bartender notices the strangely attired new customer and makes his way to that end of the counter. "What can I get ya, pal?"
The pirate eyes the bartender evenly and slaps his hand upon the lacquered wood. "I'll have a pint, mate!"
The bartender nods, grabs a mug and holds it under the running tap while watching the pirate closely. He slides the glass across the counter and the pirate extends his hook, grabbing the mug's handle with a "clink." He then asks the pirate in a slightly nervous voice, "Hey, you realize you have a ship's wheel protruding from your zipper, right?"
The pirate takes a huge swig of the beer, shifts his eye to the bartender and nods. He slams the mug down and slides it back to the bartender, proclaiming loudly, "Aye, and it's drivin' me nuts!"
-
Great stuff, Hoss! And the pirate joke was hilarious, too.
-
For all my Irish friends....
At the Irish wedding reception, the D.J. yelled...
"I want all the married men to please stand next to the one person who
has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death, but is expected to survive.
-
Subject: Fwd: Men Teaching Classes for Women
Men Teaching Classes
for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By March 10th, 2013
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED
TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer -
How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM..
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down,
or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart
Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly
Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials
and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without
14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!
--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes,
Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--
How to Apply Brakes Without
Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
-
Good one :emot_laughing:
-
Great ones, hilarious! You'll need the luck of the Irish to survive teaching that class! lol
-
Great jokes, Thecia. Woo.
-
One dark night in the small town of Wheelabarraback , W.A, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Kikatinalong Volunteer Fire Department composed mainly of Aboriginal firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.. Within a short time, the Kickatinalong old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Well,' said Chief Billy Woomerra, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de furst ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat fuckin' fire truck!!'
-
Italian Pregnancy
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her
Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months..
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with
gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out
of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the
father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has
informed me of the problem’.
‘I can't marry her because of my
personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for
your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will
bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000
bank account..
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple
of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and
$2,000,000 each..
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a
shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's
shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him
"Youa gonna try again!"
-
OH MY!!! :emot_laughing:
-
Nice, that was pretty damn funny.
-
Yeah, they better fix the breaks on that fuckin' firetruck! lol
-
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.
"Pop, what do I do first?"
"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.
After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
"What do I do?" he asks.
His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.
"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.
"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
-
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse and soon she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and told her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" asked the nurse. "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back" said the doctor.
7 months later the doctor's wife called him at the office and said that he had received a strange postcard from Europe. When the doctor arrived home that evening, he read the card and immediately collapsed onto the floor with a heart attack.
While the paramedics were preparing to rush him to the hospital, one asked the wife what had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
Still mystified, she picked up the card and read; "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti--two with sausage and meatballs, and two without."
-
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.
After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."
-
Damn, he sure was virule to impregnate her with four orders of spaghetti [two with sausuge and meatballs ;-) ] lol
-
So my girlfriend asked me what a double entendre was....so I gave it to her.
-
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
-
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/420224_10151471699958151_1121917699_n.jpg)
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.
-
One could say... 'aw shit!'... but I won't... good one though Licks... :emot_laughing:
-
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"
-
This Oscar Pistorius story is all a bit strange, isn't it? There must
definitely be more to it. He seemed so happy just the other day, he had
such a spring in his step...
His lawyer's got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like
Pistorius hasn't got a leg to stand on.
Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine's
Day he had to take her out.
Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished
responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.
Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he's a front
runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.
Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his
Valentine's Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.
New Valentine's Day card: "Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never creep
up On Oscar Pistorius."
Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one is
like taking a shot in the dark.
Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.
Otherwise, the Oscar goes to........................Jail !!
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely
acquits him of his girlfriend's murder................ Footprints!
She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the
limbs.
I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when he
gets released... Bam! President of South Africa. That's how it works over
there, right?
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able-bodied athletes,
who OJ Simpson?
Surely Oscar Pistorius isn't the first man to wake up legless during
Valentine's night, then shoot all over his partner whilst imagining she's
somebody else?
First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think
Nike should start telling their athletes " Just Don't Do It."
Hollywood are doing his life story; it's now going to be called Blade
Gunner.
If found guilty he's gonna have to take it on the shin.
And finally,
Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!
-
Enough! Or you will be facing capital punishment.
-
I like the new guy already. :emot_laughing:
-
Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home, "will I have to go home and come back now?” he ask.
The woman says, "unbutton your shirt." he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” as she processes his social security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, "you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
-
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
-
Hehehe, I like the granny one TD. Woo.
-
Way to go grandma.... lol
-
DAMN YOU, ICE CREAM TRUCK, DAMN YOU! lol
I also loved the bagpipe player joke, some really good stuff.
-
Do women have it better?
It seems that God was just about done creating the universe. The Lord had a couple of leftovers in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to urinate while standing up. "It can be very handy," God explained to Adam and Eve. "Would either of you like that ability?"
Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! It seems the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please, Lord, let me have that ability. I would be forever grateful."
Eve just smiled and shook her head at Adam's display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, then she really wouldn't mind if he were the one given the ability to urinate while standing up.
And so, the Lord gave Adam the ability to urinate while standing up. Then, He looked back into his bag of leftover gifts. "Now, what have we here? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..."
-
Nice. Yes, smart Eve, writing your name in the snow is fun, but not THAT fun...
-
That was a great one TD.......LMAO. And also felt a little sad, Adam screwed it up for us dudes....Hahahaha
Good find
Janus
-
A Lady enters a Tax office. The Tax man says "Before we begin I need to ask your occupation?" The woman says, "I'm a prostitute." The Tax man says, "I can't put that down. Let's try to rephrase that." The Woman says, "OK I'm a call girl." The Tax man says, "No, that won't work either." They both think and the woman says, "I know. I'm a chicken farmer." The Tax Man asks "What does chicken farming have to do with a prostitute?" "Well" says the woman, "I raised a thousand little peckers last year." Tax man says, "Chicken Farmer it is."
-
Do women have it better?
It seems that God was just about done creating the universe. The Lord had a couple of leftovers in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to urinate while standing up. "It can be very handy," God explained to Adam and Eve. "Would either of you like that ability?"
Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! It seems the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please, Lord, let me have that ability. I would be forever grateful."
Eve just smiled and shook her head at Adam's display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, then she really wouldn't mind if he were the one given the ability to urinate while standing up.
And so, the Lord gave Adam the ability to urinate while standing up. Then, He looked back into his bag of leftover gifts. "Now, what have we here? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..."
jajajajajaja.... :emot_laughing:
-
Chicken farmer... Good one!
-
Wife - "Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be finished golf by midday!"
Husband - "I'm really sorry darling...but you don't want to hear the reason."
Wife - "I want the absolute truth, and I want it NOW!"
Husband - "Ok , We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button. On the way home, I spotted a young girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a second and then she's offered me money. Of course I refused it - Then she tells me she is headed to the hotel - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the hotel less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while touching me on the wand !!. Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying ......talking stopped....and we had sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth....now you've got it."
Wife - "Bullshit , You lying prick , you played 36 holes, didn't you!" ;D
-
A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy." ;D
-
OMG... love it... :emot_laughing:
-
Paddy is about to score big. ;-)
-
One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bedsheets to air them out, when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge, plummeting to her death.. "Oh, shit!" the woman thought, "what a stupid way to die." Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into the air, catching the woman.
Delirious from shock, the woman shouted "Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!" The man replied "Do you suck?" Stunned at this, the woman said "No, I don't suck!" And with that, the man let go of her in the air. "Shit!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again. Suddenly, another set of man's arms grabbed her on the 9th floor. "Thank God!" she screamed. " I would have died except that!"
The man asked "Do you fuck?" Absolutely aghast at the question, the woman answered "No, I don't fuck!" Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there. Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set of arms stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted "I suck! I fuck!"
"Slut..." the man said....and dropped her.
-
These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.
The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!
She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"
-
A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colours of my favourite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."
The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"
The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"
The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"
She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, it feels good!"
-
Two out of work Polish bums decided that they would be better
off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride.
The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district.
A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy, would
you like a hand job?"
The bum shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"
A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said,
"Hey guy,would you like a blow job?"
The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"
After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said,
"We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10
minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!"
-
I loved those, Vinney.
What does an 80 year old woman's pussy taste like?
Depends...
-
Great jokes, Vinney! I'm sure the Blonde will be all right... :P The bums joke was funny, too.
-
Virus Warnings
CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus)
Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").
DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy :}
PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.
LORETTA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows
-
Hilarious, TD! You are awesome!!!
-
Hilarious, TD! You are awesome!!!
Agreed...! Funtastic...! :emot_laughing:
-
Three makes it official: TD got a good one there. :emot_laughing:
-
Ol' Naval Aviator
A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking
of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano
Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver, flying
off carriers back in ' Nam ', but when they retired the Phantom all
the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to
play the piano at Officer's Club happy hours, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but
it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was
falling off. So, why not give him a try.
The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several
patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music,
every voice was silenced.
What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in
the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name
of the song he had just played.
It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For
You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he
said "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player
just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that
had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot
acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the
crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the
room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of
his song, "Spread em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See
The Center Line", excused himself and headed for the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly
boy, the job is yours; but, do you know your fly is open and your
pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?", the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
-
Back in the day...I knew guys who fit the description of that old fighter pilot. Good memory joke!
-
Awesome piano player joke!
-
I knew a few army guys like that!
-
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."
"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis which now had a button sewed on the tip.
-
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."
"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis which now had a button sewed on the tip.
jajajajaja :emot_laughing:
-
Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great!
"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"
Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.
It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!"
-
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.
Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"
Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!
Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.
Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.
Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.
Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.
Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.
Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.
Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter
Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette.
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving
Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.
Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
-
Loved those, Janus. That was awesome. Woo.
-
Loved those, Janus. That was awesome. Woo.
Spank you kindly my good man...Oh I mean thank you kindly....LOL
-
:emot_laughing:
Nice.......
-
Great set of jokes Janus... a laugh a line... WOO... :emot_laughing:
-
Those feed-punch jokes reminded me of one. Might be lost on people not from my part of the world but I'll give it a shot.
What's the difference between jam and marmalade?
You can't marmalade your cock up an arsehole.
In US, the punch line would be "You cant marmalade your head up your ass." ;D
-
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it, give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’
It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’
‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor…
‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’
‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’
‘Freakin’ jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.
-
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story is:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
-
Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great!
"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"
Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.
It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!"
Must have missed that one. Woo TD!
-
LOVE the horse and Mercedes joke! And i guess i missed TD's old lady joke, too, hilarious! ;-)
-
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.
Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.
Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions.
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!
Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.
Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.
Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.
Q. What�s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.
Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy
Q. Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.
Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating...
Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew (two can chew).
Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fucking time.
Q. Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?
A. A pounding sensation in the ass.
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged
Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom's apple pie.
Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.
Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They're going to call her Old Spice.
Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt
Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
A. So they don't whistle on the way down.
Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.
Q. Why can't women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Q. Why do women prefer old gynaecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!
Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.
Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.
Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm "Jersey"
Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
A. Potpourri
Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
A. You don't look down.
Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.
Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.
Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo
Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.
Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times.
Q. What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore's fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.
Q. Did ya hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It works by changing your blood type!!
Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A. Toys for Twats
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
A. None It should be open when she brings it to you
Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip!
Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
A. Miracle whip.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.
Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.
Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls
Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.
Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
-
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
-
Janus, those quickies are awesome, man. Woo.
-
Janus, those quickies are awesome, man. Woo.
Thanks dude........I found a pretty cool site. It's like the dirty joke motherload...LOL
-
Eleven Ways that E-mail is Like a Penis
11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call e-mail Envy.
7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
And the # 1 reason is..
1. If you play with it too much, you go blind....
-
Now THAT was funny....
-
GREAT one, TD! I'm sending that to all my friends.
-
Anal sex...it's not for pussies
Just a quickie :)
-
Well Wally gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says “Where the hell have you been?”
Wally replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”
“A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking”? She said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”
“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks any time you want.”
-
Wonderful, TD!! woo
Eleven Ways that E-mail is Like a Penis
11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call e-mail Envy.
7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
And the # 1 reason is..
1. If you play with it too much, you go blind....
-
Great tattoo joke, Vinney! Hilarious!
-
Eleven Ways that E-mail is Like a Penis
And the # 1 reason is..
1. If you play with it too much, you go blind....
Where's my guide dog...? Woo Woof...
-
Great jokes today
-
Getting a bunch of e-mails daily on how to grow your penis is normal. But it starts getting worrisome when half of them are from your mum.
-Jimmy Carr
-
Lol, good one insatiable.
-
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."
-
Yeah, that IRS will squeeze you dry, lol :P
-
I have just bought some meatloaf panties...
On the front it says "I will do anything for love"
On the back, "but I won't do that"
-
I have just bought some meatloaf panties...
On the front it says "I will do anything for love"
On the back, "but I won't do that"
:emot_laughing: I would actually buy that for my wife. She'd kill me for it, but I'd buy it.
-
I have just bought some meatloaf panties...
On the front it says "I will do anything for love"
On the back, "but I won't do that"
Good one, firework.
-
Is Meat Loaf's face on them? ;-)
-
Not sure meatloaf is the master of horniness lol
-
Why Men Are Happier
Men are just happier people, and here's why...
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
-
This makes it even for the multiple orgasms!
-
LOL....personally, I'll stick with the orgasms, thank you very much. :emot_kiss:
-
who says you can't have all that AND multiples?
-
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the Golf course. On Golf days, a lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
-
Tue Mar 12, 2013 9:24 am
Four United States Presidents got caught up in a tornado - and off they whirled to the land of OZ.
They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard. "What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said "I've come for some courage."
"No Problem said the Wizard. Who' s next?"
Richard Nixon stepped forward. "Well, I think I need a heart."
"Done" says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"
Up stepped Bush and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."
"No problem!" said the Wizard. "Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "Well, what do you want?"
"Is Dorothy here?"
-
OMG...Katie, that was some funny stuff.
Both you Gals had me rolling today...Wooooo's all around
Janus
-
Agreed, good jokes from the ladies today.
-
Of course Bill Clinton is perfect the way he is. ;-)
And i'm worried about TD knowing us guy so well. :P A little TOO well... ;-)
-
Thecia sent me this one......
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest cock"
-
That would definitely stir some mixed emotions. :emot_laughing:
-
Haha, TD that was a good one. A big thanks to Thecia for sending you that!
-
But obviously he doesn't know how to wield it if she's had to check out all his friends' cocks...lol
-
The Italian Lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear....."No, I Norwegian."
-
Language barriers... *shaking my head* lol
-
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
-
Hehehe, these are some good ones...
-
From the Washington Post Style Invitation:
It was postulated that English, like many foreign languages, should have male and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason. Here are the best submissions:
ZIPLOC BAGS - Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE - Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS - Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
SHOE - Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Also because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed and it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
TIRE - Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE - Female, because it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - Female, (Ha! You thought I'd say male). But consider: it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
-
Great stuff as usual, TD. Thanks for the laugh today.
-
So many jokes, I'm afraid of repeating one...
A sadist and a masochist strike up a solid relationship and, over the years, decide that they would make for a great match, given their sexual tastes. They eventually get married and head off to their honeymoon.
When they reach their room and settle in, the masochist strips down and flops out on the bed with a huge grin, saying "Go ahead, hurt me!" to the sadist.
The sadist ponders for a second, and with crossed arms, replies "No." and leaves the room.
-
LOL, that one got me GOOD! Woo Partner!
Sounds like me and Katiebee (except the whole marriage part).
-
Ooooo, psychological sadism. That's my favorite.
-
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again,” A prostitute, Daddy!'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said "a Protestant.” Come here and give yer old Dad a hug...
-
Top 'o the mornin' to ya, Watcher! Good one, woo.
Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
Would you want everyone to know you were fucking a chicken?
-
Top 'o the mornin' to ya, Watcher! Good one, woo.
Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
Would you want everyone to know you were fucking a chicken?
Haha, that's a good one Fish
-
Loved the prostitute joke. It reminded me of this movie Hexed. The guy called the woman a murderess.
"What did you call me?!?"
"A murderes."
"Oh, i thought you called me a Methodist."
lol
-
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
my life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
Toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and
the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
-
:emot_laughing: GREAT start to my St. Paddy's Day, TD!
-
:emot_laughing: hahahahaha! Love me some Irish jokes! Woo!
-
President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier then says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"
Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"
Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day"
Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check."
"So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
-
lol That was cruel, but way funny!!!!! :P
-
Little Jimmy is laid in his bed one night, and he hears his mammy squeal. He gets out of bed and walks to his parents room and pushes the door open. He sees his dad on top of his mammy giving her a good fucking and hears his mammy's squeals up close.
"DADDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MAMMY!!!!" yells Little Jimmy
His dad just looks at him, laughs and throws a pillow at Jimmy and tells him to go back to bed.
A little while later, Mam and Dad hear strange noises from down the hallway. They go to investigate.
They see Jimmy's door is open and his bed is empty. But the bedroom next door is open...they walk in.....and are greeted with the site of Jimmy humping the shit out of Grandma!!!
"JIMMY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!!" yells Dad
Jimmy looks at his dad and says "Ahhhh not so fucking funny when it's your Mam is it!!"
-
Presidents on a sinking ship!
Ford says: "What do we do?"
Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan says: "What lifeboats?"
Carter says: "Women first!"
Nixon says: "Screw the women!"
Clinton says: "You think we have time?"
-
I met a fairy today. She said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"
"You crafty little bastard," said the fairy.
-
Tangent, that was a good one about Grandma.
TD what a great one about the fairy. LMAO
-
I met a fairy today. She said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"
"You crafty little bastard," said the fairy.
That's about right!
-
Loved the ex-Presidents joke. The fairy joke was funny, too, TD.
-
Loved them all, keep them coming!
-
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
==================================================================
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
-
Hairspray for a hard on... What will they think of next...? lol
-
Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3, 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1, 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put
in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?
-
:emot_laughing: WOO!
As an alcoholic, that fucking killed me. GREAT joke.
-
I was waiting to see where that one was heading, heehee ;-)
-
Q. What's the definition of eternity?
A. The time between when you cum and she leaves.
Q. What's gray, sits at the bed and takes the piss?
A. A kidney dialysis machine.
Q. Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be hell.
Q. What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?"
A. A blind person with a rubix cube.
Q. Why did God invent yeast infection?
A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.
Q. Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?
A. They went outside to exchange blows.
Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
A. He came home shit faced.
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
A. An itchy cock.
Q. Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
A. Women who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Q. Why are roach clips called roach clips?
A. Because "pot holder" was already taken.
Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...
Q. Why do women have arms?
A. Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Q. Why don't Canadians have group sex?
A. Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.
Q. Why are hangovers better than women?
A. Hangovers will go away.
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. What's the difference between a 'Spice Girls' video and a porn video?
A. The porn video has better music!
Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend?
A. You can drop her off where ever you want!
Q. What is the difference between Iraq's air force and the United States' Air Force?
A. The U.S. pilots break ground and fly into the wind.
Q. What is the difference between growing old and growing up?
A. Growing old is mandatory.
-
A female brain cell was lost one day, and found itself inside a man’s head. Looking around, she saw that it was all very dark and empty. She started to get a little afraid, so she called out nervously, “Is anyone here?” With the only thing coming back to her being was the echo of her own voice; she called a little louder, “Can anyone hear me?” Still there was no response. By now the female brain cell was quite frightened and she called out loudly again, “IS THERE ANYONE HERE!” From far away she heard a little voice reply, “Hello, were all down here…”
-
What is the difference between northern and southerner fairytales?
Northerner starts off with "Once upon a time...." a southerner starts with "listen to this shit..."
-
TD's first joke was payback for Janus'. :P lol Good stuff, TD, Janus!
-
Hahaha, that was a good one......
-
(http://i50.tinypic.com/24vtfnc.png)
-
Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !"
-
A female brain cell was lost one day, and found itself inside a man’s head. Looking around, she saw that it was all very dark and empty. She started to get a little afraid, so she called out nervously, “Is anyone here?” With the only thing coming back to her being was the echo of her own voice; she called a little louder, “Can anyone hear me?” Still there was no response. By now the female brain cell was quite frightened and she called out loudly again, “IS THERE ANYONE HERE!” From far away she heard a little voice reply, “Hello, were all down here…”
Correction Becca, take it from a Texan..the words should be, "Ya'all ani't gonna believe this shit"
-
(http://i50.tinypic.com/24vtfnc.png)
LOL, great joke RF. You too, Latina and TD.
-
Loved your joke, LaTina!
-
Comedy Porn Titles
20,000 Legs Under the Sea
2002: A Sex Odyssey
A Clockwork Orgy
A Penile Action
A Tale of Two Titties
All Hands On Dick
Anus the Menace
Ass Ventura: Smut Detective
Battlestar Orgasmica
Beverly Hills Cock
Black Men Can Hump
Bone Alone
Bonfire Of The Panties
Buffy the Vampire Layer
Butch Lesbian and the Lapdance Kid
Cliff Banger
Coo-Coo for CoCo Cocks
Crocodile Dun-Me
Cum to Drink of It
Cumming to America
Das Booty
Deep End With Some Lotion
Dial M for Missionary
Dickman and Throbin Hood
Dickman Forever
Dog-Style Afternoon
Doing John Malkovich
Dun-Hur
E3: The Extra-Testicle
Edward Penishands
Ejacula
Enema of the State
Erectnophobia
Flashpants: Cop a Feeling
Flesh Gordon
For Your Thighs Only
Foreskin Gump
Forrest Hump
Frisky Business
Full Metal Bikini
Ghostlusters
Gonad the Barbarian
Good Will Humping
Guess Who Came At Dinner
Hannah Does Her Sisters
Hindfeld
Honey, I Blew Everybody!
I Cream On Genie
I Reenter Mama
In RearEndence Day
Indiana Joan and the Temple of Poon
Intercourse With a Vampire
Interview With a Vibrator
Jack/Off
Jennifer Ate
Juranal Park
Jur-ass-ic Park
Lawrence of Labia
Mad Jack: Beyond Thunderbone
Malcolm XXX
Mighty Joe Schlung
Miracle on 69th Street
Missionary Impossible
Murphy's Brown
Mutiny on the Booty
Natural Born Thrillers
Night of the Giving Head
Oh Cum on Ye Faces
An Officer and a Genitalman
On Golden Blonde
Picnic at Hanging Cock
Pornochio
Pulp Friction
Pumping Irene
Regarding Hiney
Reservoir Bitches
Riding Miss Daisy
Romancing the Bone
The San Francisco 69ers vs. the Green Bay Butt Packers
Saturday Night Beaver
Saving Ryan's Privates
Screw The Right Thing
Sgt. Pecker's Lonely Heart's Club Gangbang
Sex Trek: Penetrations
Sexcalibur
Shake My Spear, I'm In Love
Sheepless in Montana
Snatch Adams
Splatman
Splendor In The Ass
Star Whores
Tailiens
Tales from the Clit
The 7" Samurai
The Bare Bitch Project
The Bitches of Madison County
The Bootyguard
The Empire Strokes Black
The Flintbones
The Fuckulty
The Horny-Mooners
The Humpback of Nasty Dames
The Hunt for Miss October
The Joy Suck Club
The Load Warrior
The Long Ranger
The Maddam's Family
The Naked Bun
The Porn Birds
The Replacement Drillers
The Rodfather
The Sexorcist
The Sixth Inch
The Slutty Professor
The Sperminator
The Talented Mr. Lickme
The Touchables
The Whore of the Worlds
The XXX Files
Thighs Wide Shut
Too Clothed For Comfort
Twin Cheeks
Wet Dreams May Come
Wetness for the Prosecution
When Harry Ate Sally
Willie Wanker and the Fudge Packing Factory
Yank My Doodle - It's A Dandy
Yo Quiero Taco Smell
You've Got Tail
-
You had me cracking up!!! Hilarious list, and some of those ARE porno titles. :P Loved it!
-
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."
=======================================================================
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
============================================================================
This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
Dear Lions Bay School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Edna
Side note: My Grand Mother's name was Edna.....She would have never uttered the words Fuck Off....But she would have thought them...... :emot_laughing:
Janus
-
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands .'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
-
Good ones, Janus and TD.
I thought it was "Throbbinwood: Penis of Thieves"
And how about "Fister Act"
-
Three young, well-to-do Southern belles hadn't seen each other in a couple years, so they met up and had tea and discussed the events of their lives.
The first piped up, saying "My daddy sent me on a cruise around the world and bought me a mansion in Savannah." To which the third said, "Well isn't that nice!"
The second spoke up, "My daddy gave me 100 acres in Kentucky with race horses and a cottage in the French Riviera." The third replied, "Well isn't that nice!"
The two then looked at the third girl. One finally asked, "Well, what did your daddy get you?"
The third girl smiled sweetly and said, "My daddy sent me to finishing school."
"Oh? And what did you learn there?" asked the other.
Still smiling, the third girl replied, "Well, I learned to say 'isn't that nice' instead of 'OH, FUCK YOU!!!' "
-
That was funny, thanks for posting Partner.
Fish, loved the "Fister Act," what a clever guy you are. :D
-
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
======================================================================================
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
==================================================================================
A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.�
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"
-
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist.... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she dis-robed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That s right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "you are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "you're getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place."
-
Pub Steakout
The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.
The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.
Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.
Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.
Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.
Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.
The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.
When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"
To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
-
Heehee, that patient was smarter than her doctor... ;-)
Loved the designated decoy joke.
-
Great jokes Ladies. Woo
-
Q: How did the hipster burn his mouth?
A: He ate it before it was cool.
-
love the jokes...really good ones.
-
Update on Monica Lewinski:
After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked
in a mirror...remembering her time with Bill Clinton.
Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
"God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,"
she prayed.
And just like that, her ears fell off...
-
Q: How did the hipster burn his mouth?
A: He ate it before it was cool.
Q: How do you drown a hipster
A: Throw him in the mainstream
-
Q: Why are there no old hipsters?
A: Because aging is WAY too popular - everyone is doing it already.
-
Ringhole
This man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state, really bad now.
Doctor: "What happened to you?"
He says: "I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!"
Doctor: "But I don't understand. Elephant penises are very narrow and couldn't cause that much damage!"
He says "Aah but you see doctor, he fingered me first!"
-
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
-
Billy Bob and Peggy Sue finally tied the knot out in their old country church in front of both their big families. Billy Bob scooped her up as she threw the bouquet and tossed her in the pick-up. He was finally gonna have 'er!
Carrying her across the threshold to the cheap motel he tossed her on the bed and started tearing her clothes off. "Oh, Billy Bob.. I've waited so long! Please be gentle.. I'm a virgin!"
A look of shock turned to disgust as he threw her clothes back at her. "Weddings off, get dressed. I'm takin ya's home." Without another word he got back in his truck and waited until she came out, eyes balling.
Nothing was said as he drove her home and threw her bags out of the truck before heading back to his parents place.
"What's wrong, there son?" asked Jethro.
"Dad, you won't believe it! She was a VIRGIN!"
"Well son, if she ain't good 'nuff fer her own family, she sure as heck ain't good 'nuf for our'n!"
-
There once was two Catholic priests on a sinking ship with 100 8 year old boys. The first priest said, "Fuck em lets get out of here!" The second priest replied, "We don't have enough time."
-
The Shit List
1. Ghost Shit: The kind where you feel shit come out but there is no shit
in the toilet.
2. Clean Shit: The kind where you shit it out, see it, but there is
nothing on the toilet paper.
3. Wet Shit: The kind where you wipe your butt at least 90 times and it
feels unwiped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt
and your underwear so you won't ruin your pants.
4. Second Wave Shit: It happens when you're done shitting and you've
pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to shit
some more.
5. Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Head Shit: The kind where you strain so much to get
the shit out you practically have a stroke.
6. Richard Simmons Shit: You shit so much you lose 30 pounds.
7. Lincoln Log Shit: The kind of shit that is so huge that you are afraid
to flush the toilet without breaking it into little pieces with the
toilet brush.
8. Gassy Shit: It's noisy; everyone within earshot is giggling.
9. Drinker Shit: The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night
of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread marks on the
bottom of the toilet.
10. Corn Shit: Self-explanatory.
11. Gee I Wish I Could Shit Shit: It's the kind where you want to shit but
all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped, and fart a few times.
12. Spinal Tap Shit: That's where it hurts so bad coming out you'd swear it
was leaving sideways.
13. Wet Cheeks Shit (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out of your rear
end so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water.
14. Liquid Shit: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out and
splatters all over the toilet bowl.
15. Mexican Food Shit: It smells so bad the room must be condemned.
16. Upperclass Shit: The kind of shit that doesn't smell.
17. Fisherman's Bobber Shit: That's the kind where you are in a public
restroom, there are two people waiting on your stall; you shit and
flush two times but several golf ball size pieces are still floating
above the water line.
18. Ambush Shit: This kind never occurs at home but usually at a party or
while playing golf. It is the result of trying to fart just a
little, but you end up with trouser chili and you walk bow-legged for
the rest of the day.
19. Santa Clause Shit: A shit that is so big, you have no idea how it made
it down the drain after flushing.
20. Stalactite Shit: A shit that gets stuck and hangs from your butt for a moment.
21. Deja Vu Shit: When you could swear you've taken the exact same shit before.
22. Five Alarm Shit: Your asshole burns so bad you think it's on fire.
Usually after eating really spicy chili or other spicy food.
23. False Alarm Shit: After a really big fart you think you might have
shit yourself, but you didn't.
24. Titanic Shit: The tip of the shit is visible above the water line.
25. Rainbow Shit: The kind of shit that is at least 7 different colors.
26. Gangster Shit: A shit that sounds like an automatic weapon is being
fired in the toilet.
27. Gold Medal Shit: A shit you work so hard to get out that you just have to
tell a friend about it.
-
Tiny Dancer, Were you full of shit this morning? :emot_laughing:
-
Hilarious, TD! The Richard Simmons one is my favorite, lol
-
An auxiliary type of shit:
Holy sheet. A sheet that is full of holes.
Hot sheet: a sheet on fire.
No sheet: bereft of any sheet.
-
A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows! "Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
================================================================
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
======================================================================
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
-
The nurse joke was cruel but hilarious. The hooker/taxi driver joke was better.
-
THE FLICK
An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night.
"You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.
"Disgusting!" said the old lady.
"It was revolting," her husband added.
"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.
"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties and his teeth were in them!"
-
:emot_laughing:
Funny stuff. Is nice to get a chuckle first thing in the morning.
-
DRAGON MAN
A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter.
-
lol The youngest may have to "lower" her expectations... :P
-
TWO LIPS AND SEVEN KISSES
There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"
So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"
To which the man replied, "No, its average!"
-
A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"
"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.
He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.
"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"
-
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in
her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even
managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host
could ask her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove
them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You
know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.
"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started
heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to
run. I should be back soon."
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked
grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she
cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the
answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane,
now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.
At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the
quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily
before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as
Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she
knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running
and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane
and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10
seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the
heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it
into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"
-
Tiny Dancer.......That was Fantastic......Needed the chuckle this morning.
-
LOL...Resident Nigger, now THAT'S funny. :emot_laughing:
-
A woman speeds by a motorcycle cop holding a radar gun. He pulls her over and asks,"What's the rush?" She replies, "I'm on my way to assist in an emergency procedure at the hospital." The cop asks what she does in the ER. "I'm an asshole stretcher," she says. The cop scratches his head. She explains, "You see, I prep the patient by taking one finger at a time to slowly stretch the asshole till my hands have made the patient's asshole a full six feet open." Looking at the woman in shock, he inquires, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?" The lady says, "Usually we give it a badge and a radar gun."
-
That got her a ticket.......Hahahaha
-
Really funny, TD! It's awesome that you've taken up the slack on the daily jokes.
-
TD! It's awesome that you've taken up the slack on the daily jokes.
And the music!!
-
An old one, but a favorite -
A woman takes her dog to the veterinarian with complaints that the dog has gone deaf. After a few minutes of testing, the vet cleans out the dog's ears and the vet explains calmly to her: "Your dog's ears are cropped to stand up, and that means he gets dirt stuck to the hairs inside there. After a while, it gets gunked up. Just get some hair removal product and use on the inside of the ears, and then clean them regularly with warm water."
So the woman leaves the veterinarian office and walks a couple of blocks to the old-fashioned drugstore. She enters and is greeted by a smiling elderly man. "How can I help you?" he asks. She tells him that she needs a hair removal product, but has no experience with these. The man leads her to the correct spot in the store and starts describing the features and potencies as best he can.
"This one," he tells her "is going to be a mild remover. And this one," he points to the last box in the row, "is much more potent. You'll want to go sleeveless for a couple of days after applying it."
She senses the confusion and decides to better explain her needs. "I don't need this for my armpits, I need it for my schnauzer."
The old man's eyes suddenly grow bigger as his cheeks flush. "Then ma'am, you won't want to ride a bicycle for at least a week after applying this one!"
-
It's nice to know people still misunderstand, leading to funny results. :P
-
What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
==========================================================================
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
-
Kevin, Nice one.....Got a nice chuckle out of that.
-
Good ones, Janus. Especially the What She Says, What He Hears. ;-)
-
For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all
those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and
fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you.
-
Had this one told me at work last night. First time I had heard this one!
Three dogs in the vet's office started a conversation about why there were in the vet's office.
First dog stated he got carried away and chewed up a stuffed toy. His owners thought that having him fixed would take away his aggression.
Second dog stated he was just kind of hyper and ran around at every noise. His owners thought having him fixed would calm him down.
The third dog stated he saw his naked mistress bent over in the bathroom so he got on her and humped away.
The other two dogs looked at him and asked, "So you are getting fixed also?"
The third dog stated, "Nah, I am here to get my nails trimmed!"
-
Lucky dog! lol
-
An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”
The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”
-
And they say kids say the darnedest things :P
-
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for gonnorrhea. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.
-
Someone posted that same joke with reversed genders. Cruel but funny.
-
Someone posted that same joke with reversed genders. Cruel but funny.
Sorry for repost!
-
No, it's all right! KB is not gender biased. :)
-
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of £5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5000. She gives him back his £5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.
-
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"
-
Loved your jokes, Firework! No one is surprised the first man chose the one with the biggest breasts. :P
-
Yea, men are always impressed by useless appendages that are large.
-
Think about it.
^-^
-
Think about it.
^-^
HaHa Now you're just being hurtful! Funny though!
-
On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close
to keep warm. In the morning, the guy on the right says, "I had a
dream that someone was pulling on my dick."
The guy on the left says, "I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick."
"The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream that I went skiing."
-
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
-
On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close
to keep warm. In the morning, the guy on the right says, "I had a
dream that someone was pulling on my dick."
The guy on the left says, "I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick."
"The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream that I went skiing."
Will have to remember this one. Nice, TD.
-
The clerk showed the man the store's most expensive perfume.
"This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per
ounce."
"Listen," the man shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want
something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called...
"You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You'll Get Some !!"
-
For more ahem.....adventurous types...
What is "71"?
"69" with two fingers up your ass.
-
For more ahem.....adventurous types...
What is "71"?
"69" with two fingers up your ass.
I'l have some of that..... 8)
-
After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was
looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk
in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, she answered, "That's me before the surgery."
-
For more ahem.....adventurous types...
What is "71"?
"69" with two fingers up your ass.
My kind of adventure
-
After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was
looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk
in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, she answered, "That's me before the surgery."
After hearing this Janus got hard again and fucked her brains out.... ;D
-
Over five thousands years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the PRomised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the ecomomy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called a sucicide hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
Folks, we're screwed...
-
Omg Janus, that's funny!
-
I have seen this posting so many times yet it hasn't found its way here until now. Thought I would share the southern vocabulary for those who just haven't had the pleasure!
Southern Wurds
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
Y'ALL -- noun. A degree of rotation.
Usage: "There are three degrees of Southern rotation: Pitch, Roll, and Y'all."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eifel Tire in Paris sometime."
HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
(Today's Southern Word comes from a school teacher in America's southern most state: Hawaii. As part of her class' study of the "War of Northern Aggression" (known to Yankees at the "Civil War"), she showed her class the movie Gettysburg. The students wondered why the Confederacy was fighting for their "rats." The answer, of course, is obvious: Southerners have very friendly rats ... in fact, you could almost say that we have some downright civil rats.)
LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
WARSH - verb. To clean.
SQUARSH - noun. A vegetable (also verb - to flatten).
Usage: "Warsh that squarsh, Bubba ... you don't know where its been!"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
JUICY - Contraction. A question.
GUFF - Noun. A deep chasm.
Usage: "Juicy the Guff of Mexico?"
MARKINS - Noun. Citizens of the United States.
Usage: "My fellow Markins..."
PROSS - Noun. The value or cost of an item.
Usage: "That there prom dress sho is purty, but it is not worth the pross."
PARAMOUR - Noun. An automated device for cutting grass.
Usage: "What kinda deal you gonna make me on that paramour?"
RICE - Noun. A contest of speed.
Usage: "Y'all going out to Talledega to see the rice?"
-
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_pGlfZXmAziA/TPdjoHXA7vI/AAAAAAAAAEw/1vx5gElmYpg/s1600/conneryTEXT.jpg)
-
Love the Southern lingo. ;-)There was an episode of Burn Notice where Michael got into character and talked just like that. :P
-
Two cops were parked on the side of a busy highway waiting to nab individuals throwing litter out their car windows. One car drove by and threw out some garbage but the traffic was too thick to allow the cops an opportunity to pull out and haul the car over.
Another car drove by and it too tossed some garbage. Just as before, the traffic was too busy. Vehicles proceeded to pass by throwing garbage until finally the cops had an opening to pull over a car which had a guy and a girl in it. The police had the man back up to retrieve garbage, which turned out to be a used condom. One of the cops said, "You know there are huge fines for littering on this highway". To which the motorist replied with a satisfied look on his face, "that's not litter, it orgasmic material!"
-
PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT --- SENIOR STYLE
An elderly couple in their 70's were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays.
-
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because
he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and
asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is
therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he
goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and
experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is
work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority:
a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other
words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question,
then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so
many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have
the maid do it."
-
If a fireman's job can go up in smoke and a plumber's job go down the drain, can a hooker be laid off?
-
Some of these are pretty offensive.....Sorry if they offend....
Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A. A love call.
Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
A. Leave the plunger in the toilet.
Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor?
A. By the ears. (Lick her)
Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball room
Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag.
Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Doughnuts.
Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.
Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 45 lbs.
Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
A. Because it can't make a fist.
Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period?
A. Finger painting.
Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.
Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again!
Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A. Two test tickles
Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?
A. They exchanged loads.
Q. What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A. A fruit stand!
Q. Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. A prostitute, because she can always wash her crack, and sell it again!
Q. Why did dinosaurs have sex under water?
A. You try to keep five hundred pounds of pussy wet!
Q. What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a trampoline?
A. I take my shoes of to jump on a trampoline
Q. What's worse then 10 dead babies nailed to one tree?
A. One dead baby nailed to 10 trees
Q. What's the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies?
A. I don't have a Porsche in my garage
Q. Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?
A. They kept trying each other.
Q. What's the difference between a Trisket and a lesbian?
A. A Trisket is a snack cracker and a lesbian is a crack snacker!
Q. why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall?
A. To see her crack
Q. What is the difference between great literature and pornography?
A. Literature is frequently dusty but rarely dirty.
Q. Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
A. To keep its nuts dry.
Q. Why was Tigger's head in the toilet?
A. He was looking for pooh!
Q. What did one tit say to the other?
A. I hope we get support soon or people will think we're nuts.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm?
A. He is usually home with the kids!
Q. Why do midgets laugh when they run?
A. Because the grass tickles their balls!
Q. Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose?
A. They couldn't close his casket.
Q. Which is the odd one out a woman, a microwave or a fridge/freezer?
A. The microwave, the other two leak when they're fucked!
Q. What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A. Dicktator
Q. How do you make a snooker table laugh.
A. Put your hands in its pocket and tickle its balls.
Q. What do a Turtle and a Pedophile have in common?
A. They both want to get there before the 'hair' does.
-
Blind Dog
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day.
They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
-
Good jokes, everyone! Top notch stuff.
-
XXX Rated ATM Machine
The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies' night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over. I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me! Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.
-
Good move!
-
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
-
Now that was funny.....
-
Poor little Johnny... lol
-
I love Little Johnny jokes. Gotta remember that one for work... :emot_laughing:
-
A Teaching Moment!
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked
her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when
stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be
asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire
you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy,
is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of
the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be "very, very disappointed."
-
Politically correct women descriptions...
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN
She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED
She is not a SLUT - she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED
She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER
-
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
-
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"
-
Hey, Sexually Focused - i mean TD ;-) - love your politically correct list.
Great country jokes, Janus!
-
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
-
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships. "Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly. "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counselled the therapist. So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon. When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."
-
I'm guessing his shoes weren't too small...lol
-
Politics Explained
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom,
she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you
the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your
baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see
if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding
the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed
with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning,
the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the
concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your
own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy
replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the
Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep shit."
-
With apologies to Toe:
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment... of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
-
Woo that licks. :emot_laughing:
-
Omg TD, Licks, you both brought tears to my eyes I was laughing so hard!
-
Ditto, nothing makes me laugh like stupid lawyers and government jokes. :emot_laughing:
-
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment... of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
There is just something about attorney jokes that lends the overwhelming desire/belief that they could actually be true. We can never have enough.
-
And then there was a period of time where attorneys were considering getting a law passed to restrict "lawyer jokes". They didn't like:
What is a bus load of attorneys in the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Why won't a shark bite an attorney? Professional Courtesy
What is the difference between an attorney and a catfish? One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker and the other is a fish.
And there are many more out there. My forensic clients really enjoyed hearing them.
-
I agree. Gotta love stupid attorney jokes. Not all lawyers deserve the jokes but take down the ones who do. :P
-
A Carnal Test
Three couples wanted to be admitted into a new church. One was an
elderly couple, one was a middle-aged couple, and one was a young
couple.
The priest said, "Well, the only way you can get into my church is to
abstain from having sex for two weeks."
"No problem," said all three couples.
Two weeks later, the three couples returned to the church.
"It was a piece of cake," said the elderly couple. "We didn't have sex
for two weeks straight."
The middle-aged couple said, "It was kind of difficult, but we made
it. We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."
Finally, the young couple said, "Well, we made it through the first
five days or so, but then, as my wife was bending over to pick up a
can of paint, I just had to give it to her right then and there."
The priest was stunned. "You do realize that you aren't welcome in
this church, don't you?"
The couple shrugged it off. "That's ok. We aren't welcome in Home
Depot anymore, either."
-
A nun gets into a cab and the driver won't stop staring at her. She asks
him why he is staring at her. "I have a question to ask you but I don't
want to offend you".
She answers "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you are as old as I
and been a nun as long as I have been, you get a chance to see and hear
everything. I'm sure that there is nothing you could say that I would find
offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me".
She responds, "Well lets see what we can do about that: 1) you must be
single and 2) you must be Catholic too.
The cab driver is very excited and says, "yes, I am single, and I am
Catholic.
The nun says "pull into the next alley".
He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy. But when they get back on the
road, the driver starts crying his eyes out.
My dear child, why are you crying?
Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess I am married
and I am Jewish.
The nun says,
"That's OK, my name is Kevin and I am on my way to a Halloween party."
-
TD
Two good jokes. You made me laugh out loud.
-
I agree. Gotta love stupid attorney jokes. Not all lawyers deserve the jokes but take down the ones who do. :P
Do you know that half of all attorneys that graduate from law school do so in the bottom half of their class? Where are the ones who graduate with honors?
-
lol That cab driver needs glasses!
-
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"
==============================================================================
Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'
-
I wonder if she bashed him over the head with the sugar bowl... ;-)
-
No screwing
A married couple has been stranded on a deserted island for many
years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become
attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative
if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is
very glad to see the second man there.
"Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in
the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do
the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the
couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to
cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.
Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch
leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no
screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!" Eventually the shift is over and
the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the
husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend
are hard at it.
The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up
here it DOES look like they're screwing.
-
In Young Frankenstein, the monster got "Abby Normal" 's brain. Here the husband got "Half Wit" 's brain, lol :P
-
Typical White Man
An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him
back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy,
"You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for
three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The indians get his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps
the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse
comesback with a naked blonde.
She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The
Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think
one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him
his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something
in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the
horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the
teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die
tomorrow ... can only think one thing." The last day comes, and the
chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him
his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard
and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
-
ROFLMAO....That gave me an out loud laugh.....
Thank you
-
Your welcome Janus, glad you enjoyed it.
-
Do you know that half of all attorneys that graduate from law school do so in the bottom half of their class? Where are the ones who graduate with honors?
Behind the bench, or in the DA's office.
-
Typical White Man
Agree with Janus, I liked that one a lot, I didn't see it coming. Woo
-
Loved The Cowboy Joke.
Thanks for posting.....
Love,
Liz
-
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'"
===========================================================================
Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"
"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin'
over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two.
I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"
==================================================================================
Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.
Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.
A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.
-
If I were Pat I think I would learn how to swim quickly! Good one also for "707". Thanks for the postings as I needed something to bring some sunshine into the day after a long night at work.
-
Do you know that half of all attorneys that graduate from law school do so in the bottom half of their class?
I love the math behind this sentence.
-
Great jokes! Loved your horse joke, TD. If i had a horse, i'd tell it to bring you back. ;-)
-
Bring back TD? You might end up with a case of the clap, if you used the same horse.
-
Now, now, don't talk that way about TinyDancer. ;-)
-
If I have to explain the pun, it will ruin the joke.
-
Not as easy as before
One day an elderly man decided that since he had never fathered any
children that he would make a deposit to the local sperm bank. At the
sperm bank a young doctor gave the man a jar and told him to go into
the bathroom and put his deposit in it.
After what seemed like a long time the young doctor began to worry
about the elderly man so he went to the bathroom door and knocked and
ask if he was all right. No answer came from beyond the door so the
doctor opened the door finding the elderly man breathing hard and
sweating.
The Dr. asks, "Are you OK!"
The elderly man replied, "Son, it is not as easy as it use to be. I
have slapped it, spit on it and beat it on the wall. I even ran hot
water on it, I ran cold water on it and I can't get the lid off this
jar to save my life!"
-
After Vegas
Three buddies decided to take their wives on a week-long vacation to
Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they
returned home and the men went back to work, the men sat around at
break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy said, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since
we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all
night, and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy said, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack
the whole time we were there, and she slaps the bed all night and
hollers, 'Hit me light' or 'hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of
sleep either!"
The third guy said, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played
the slots the whole time we were there, and I wake up each morning
with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."
-
Hilarious, TD! I feel bad for the sloy machine guy, lol :P
-
Turner Brown
A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next
to him. The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, "Seven
foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch dick, three-pound
left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints!
The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his
face and shaking him. He asks the small guy, "What's wrong?"
The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The big guy looks down and says "Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty
pounds, twenty-inch dick, three- pound left ball, three-pound right
ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said, "Turn around."
-
I heard that last one when I was a little kid, but forgot all about it. Good one, TD.
-
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you." The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
============================================================================
There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."
"Yes, she says, I remember it well." she replies.
"OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"
Smiling his wife responds, "Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers."
There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling Ohhh God! He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified."
-
What's the difference between 3 cocks and a joke?
Most people here can't take the later.
-
Nice, I liked that. Woo.
-
What's the difference between 3 cocks and a joke?
Most people here can't take the later.
http://instantrimshot.com/classic/?sound=rimshot
-
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a
good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, Your reward is,
you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a
road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in some key words And
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are
riding my invention than yours."
-
Woo Licks! That was fucking hilarious, thank you. It kinda has two laughs...
-
Great jokes, Janus and Licks!
-
Did you hear the one about the woman who was faithful to her husband for thirty years?
He was faithful to her for six months
...and not in a row
:P
-
A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!
==================================================================================
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."
====================================================================================
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
-
Loved the Brazilian joke, Janus.for some reason it reminded me of one point twenty-one gigowatts... :p
-
Name That Virus
The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.
The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.
The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old
floppy.
The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-
mails everyone about what it did.
The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is
stored.
The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file
reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the
background.
The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.
The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB,
then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.
The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.
The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor
doesn't care.
The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.
The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but
will be back.
and last but not least ...
The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch
floppy, then discards it through Windows.
-
Woo TD, good joke.
-
Hilarious, TD! The Ah - nold Virus was cool.
-
Ass Humor
A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he
pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write
with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and
said, "Well, that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"
-
Hot Chocolate and Viagra
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While
there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and
Viagra.
The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it
do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."
The man says, "And the Viagra?"
"Keeps him from falling out of bed."
-
You are on a roll today!
-
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Hmm ... "mumbled the doctor, and as he puts his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha !" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors ....
Snip - snip - snip - snip on the right side . . .
Then snip - snip - snip - snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now ?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do ?
"The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots ... "
-
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
-
That is fantastic....Thank you Thecia.....
-
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very
sexually promiscuous and does not take any precautions. A week after
arriving back home he awakens one morning to find his penis covered with
bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see
his doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this
before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for
the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
"I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very
rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little relieved and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure other than to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!"
The doctor replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."
The guy
says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you
do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American
doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that
way."
"Then there's no need to operate? Oh, thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself!"
-
Confucius Say:
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: Man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well, often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
-
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very
sexually promiscuous and does not take any precautions. A week after
arriving back home he awakens one morning to find his penis covered with
bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see
his doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this
before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for
the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
"I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very
rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little relieved and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure other than to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!"
The doctor replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."
The guy
says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you
do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American
doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that
way."
"Then there's no need to operate? Oh, thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself!"
:emot_weird:
Oh Shit
-
WOW....!!!!!
Hey Janus..!!!!
Did you just get back from china awile ago??
LOL.....Did you bring back your penis??.....or has it found a new home...stapled to the great wall....
LOL
Just kidding.....Love Ya......
Liz
:roll: ;D
-
How did a bright teacher not know the difference between a Jockey and a little boy? lol Great jokes, loved the Chinese Proverbs, and Liz, yours is hilarious! ;-)
-
Hunting License
A redneck was getting in his truck and a trooper pulled up and asked
him, if he had a hunting license for this state. The redneck showed
him the license, and the trooper was satisfied. But, the trooper saw
another duck, and he sniffed its butt and said "This is a Kansas duck,
do you have a Kansas hunting license?".
The redneck pulled out his Kansas license, and the trooper was happy.
Then he saw a third duck, and sniffed its butt, and said "This is an
Arkansas duck. Do you have an Arkansas hunting license?"
Sure enough the redneck pulled out his Arkansas license, and the
trooper, said ok. Then he saw a fourth duck, and sniffed its butt and
said "This is a Kentucky duck. Do you have a Kentucky Hunting
license?" and the redneck pulled out his Kentucky Hunting License.
The trooper couldn't believe the redneck had shot this many ducks from
all these different states and said, "Boy, where are you from,
exactly?" The redneck pulled down his pants and said "Why don't you
just sniff my butt and see!"
-
The trooper should have stopped while he was behind, lol
-
No, the trooper should have unbuckled his pants and verified the validity of the asshole.
-
All right, Trooper Katie, go for it. ;-)
-
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/536100_10151599206780259_1360148132_n.jpg)
-
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/536100_10151599206780259_1360148132_n.jpg)
http://instantrimshot.com/classic/?sound=rimshot
-
Woo Licks, most of those were new to me, and a few were really good.
-
Licks, that was great
-
Too many of you masochists like this punishment.
-
The Bravest Soldier
Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a
third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral
about whose soldiers were the bravest.
To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman:
"Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild
Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"
"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a
shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting
the ground at attention.
The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.
"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears,
"YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that
flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms,
and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.
"YES SIR!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the
weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.
"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.
"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"
"YES SIR!" replies the private.
"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale
that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National
Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."
"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.
"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"
They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.
"YES SIR!"
"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only
one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of
Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."
The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "FUCK
YOU SIR!"
The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"
-
Good jokes, both of them.
Why did the farmer cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in a chicken.
-
One Woman's Search for True Love
When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend...
When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I
decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, he cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with
him. He always got mad, he did impetuous things and flirted with
everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was very
energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some
ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious guy with his feet planted
firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he
divorced me, took everything I owned, and
ran off with my best friend.
I am now 40, and I'm looking for a guy with a big dick.
-
Wonderful, TD.
-
That's why I like women: they know what they want, even if what they want changes as often as their underwear. Good one, TD.
-
Nice story about knowing what you want....but so true in "most" cases...I guess that is what adds the humor to it....
-
I understand TD
I never really cared, as I get older a big dick seems like a good thing.
-
The bigger the dick the more problems they have with it as they age and the blood pressure drops.
-
Leave it to Katie to look at the pessimistic side of things... ;-) lol
-
Leave it to Katie to look at the pessimistic side of things... ;-) lol
Little dick! :emot_laughing:
-
The Bravest Soldier
Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a
third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral
about whose soldiers were the bravest.
To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman:
"Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild
Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"
"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a
shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting
the ground at attention.
The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.
"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears,
"YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that
flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms,
and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.
"YES SIR!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the
weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.
"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.
"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"
"YES SIR!" replies the private.
"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale
that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National
Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."
"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.
"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"
They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.
"YES SIR!"
"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only
one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of
Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."
The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "FUCK
YOU SIR!"
The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"
Oh shit TD, this had me rolling!!!
-
TD has that way about her when it comes to telling a joke. We can't help but lose it. ;-)
-
The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,
was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day,
made love to her all night,
made love to her all the next day,
made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows...
You can't kill Two Birds
with OneStone!!!
OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
Thecia that was hilariously corney. Loved it.
-
One day a young brave went up to the local chief and ask him how he thought up all the names for the villagers.
The chief replied that when a child is born, I name the child the first thing that I see.
for instance my young brave, when I see the sun rise a child might be named for that, and when I see a rainbow a child would be named for that. The many things that I see are what comes to pass for the village names.
But tell why are you so interested in the village names,... "Two Dogs Fucking".
"Giggles'....so much for that.!!!
Love,
Liz
-
Great stuff, ladies! Gotta love Native American names!
-
I thought the names came from the time of conception. Hence the name "Broken Rubber"
-
Loved those, ladies. Good job!
-
Just be glad you aren't named Two Dogs Fucking.
-
One day a young brave went up to the local chief and ask him how he thought up all the names for the villagers.
The chief replied that when a child is born, I name the child the first thing that I see.
for instance my young brave, when I see the sun rise a child might be named for that, and when I see a rainbow a child would be named for that. The many things that I see are what comes to pass for the village names.
But tell why are you so interested in the village names,... "Two Dogs Fucking".
"Giggles'....so much for that.!!!
Love,
Liz
If you are ever lucky enough to get hold of an Australian alcoholic drink called "Two Dogs" you will see written around the label the rather enigmatic sentence "Why do you ask?" This is related to the original punchline of this joke where the guy's father says, "Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
-
Washcloth
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day,
the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother
what the hair between her legs was.
She responded, "It's my wash cloth."
Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on
his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved
her pubic hair.
The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it."
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's
washcloth.
A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found
your washcloth."
The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with
the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with
it."
-
It's always the maid. :P
-
Populate the Earth
One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told
Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.
"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."
"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.
God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord!
That was great! What's next?"
"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."
"Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam.
God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord
that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"
"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."
"Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.
God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush.
A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a
headache?"
-
NICE !!!
-
What Do I Look Like?
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like -- Mr. Plumber?"
A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like -- Mr. Goodwrench?"
A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?"
"What do I look like -- Bob Vila?" He sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One rainy weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. When his wife returned home, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.
"Wow, did he charge us anything?"
"No, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him."
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?"
"Cake? What the hell do I look like -- Betty Crocker?"
-
Okay... What do you get when you cross a burro with an onion?
Ready??
A piece of ass that makes your eyes water.
Hey, best I could do on short notice..!!!
Love,
Liz
-
51 Days
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door
bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the
bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order
over and sit down at a large table.
The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting
and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting
grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising
the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She
walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table
erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table,
exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51
days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over
to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's
jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender
asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration
about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that
blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the
record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it
together.
"The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51
days!"
-
TD you gave me a good laugh this morning. I thank you. Hugs
-
TD loves to hassel those poor, poor Blondes... lol
-
Two Very Elderly Ladies
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in
Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12
years, chatting and enjoying each others'
friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,
"Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all
these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just
can't."
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing
for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon
do you have to know?"
-
Yes, as my name implies, I can understand their pain. Good joke, TD.
-
A woman interviews for a job in a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo dolls. She does well, and gets hired for the job. She goes on the line, but it starts slowing down a little.
The inspector walks down the line, and sees nothing wrong with the first few hundred dolls, but then he notices that the next several dozen have cotton balls stapled to their crotches. It’s the new hire!
The inspector and manager get her in the office and ask her what is going on. She objects, saying that’s what they told her to do! The inspector busts out laughing.
“No, lady. That’s not what I said at all. I said “Give each doll two test tickles!”
-
Dirty Joke about Little Billy
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
-
Old Timers Dance
There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored.
Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay? I'll give you 20 bucks!"
She says, "I'm willing, let's go".
They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a virgin.
After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, "Wow! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks".
Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going to get a hard-on, I would have taken my pantyhose off!"
-
lol Good one, TD!
-
Train Ride
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow!…That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied…. "Get your own fucking blanket."
-
KABAAMMM.....ZINGER.....NICE ONE
-
Hilarious! Loved the nun joke, the train joke was wickedly naughty. I'll bet with THAT attitude, her husband hasn't fucked her in years, lol
-
Train Ride
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow!…That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied…. "Get your own fucking blanket."
This would be the part where he farts underneath her blanket.
-
Old Lady Quiver
A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart, asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"
"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a five-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well yes, ma'am, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"
"Yes, ma'am, one of them does."
"W-w-ell th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
-
:emot_laughing: That got me good, TD. Thank you for that.
-
You are so very welcome Fish, just glad you enjoyed it is all. :D
-
10. If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name.
9. Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.
8. If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.
7. You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself.
6. Viagra! Who needs Viagra?
5. Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends.
4. Three words: No shotgun weddings.
3. All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela Anderson.
2. They never have to know you live in your parents basement.
1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.
============================================================================================
A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do. The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.
"What can I help you with?" he asked.
She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?"
"Ma'am," he answered, "that there is called a penis."
"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?"
The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of the penis."
"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12-14 inches behind the head of the penis?"
He paused and said "I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass."
-
Seem to have got it in one
-
Vegas Vacation
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard', and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there... every morning, I wake up with a sore dingy and a butt full of quarters!
-
Great quivering joke, TD! Great stuff, too, Janus!
-
Haha, nice Vegas joke, TD. Sounds like what I call a quality problem, lol. :emot_laughing:
-
Father Daughter Talk
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."
-
Ah yes. Would that actual politics, policies, and governance were that simple.
Don't go to far into the simplicity if comparisons before you come against the fact that single issues can suddenly align abhorrent groups with yours.
-
Yes, my Dear, that's how life works.
-
OMG TD that was perfect.
-
Yes, some Dems favor that type of thinking, and it is faulty.
I hate the idea of redistribution of wealth, but income disparity needs to change, or people won't be able to afford to send kids to college. I myself will be unable to afford college this coming semester, despite the fact that I have three jobs. no way out of a hole once you are in deep enough.
And before anyone mentions student loans, consider that just to get this far in my education, I'm $16,000 in debt. I drive a 1986 Toyota Camry with no power steering and a leak in the sunroof so bad it rains in the car, and since three of the four power windows don't work, it is essentially a mobile sauna. I volunteer at a soup kitchen sometimes, and when I do, it is often to take home the leftovers.
And I'm a white college graduate...
-
Ah yes. Would that actual politics, policies, and governance were that simple.
Don't go to far into the simplicity if comparisons before you come against the fact that single issues can suddenly align abhorrent groups with yours.
Yes well we all know how important only three or four issues could possibly be to drive a polarizing wedge into our nation.
OK off of my soapbox..Back to jokes
-
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well, " said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
-
Woo Janus, that made me laugh my ass off.
-
Multi-Syllable Words
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
-
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire.
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him "Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight and remember that this happens only once. Ok? Don't think about it again."
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment: "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty."
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger: "Damn that bitch...when she was pregnant and her husband came over here...I only charged him fifty..."
-
Loved the little Johnny joke. ;-)
-
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
-
For some reason, i pictured Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers movies saying that! lol Not that he's Irish. :P
-
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
(http://imageshack.us/a/img833/6765/itdrivesmenutscartoon59.jpg) (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/833/itdrivesmenutscartoon59.jpg/)
-
Paddy says to Mick,
“I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.
” Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?”
Paddy replies, “I'll take her with me!”
-
Great idea, Paddy! *thumbs up*
-
Milka came home at noon hiding and told his wife if someone calls on phone, answer and tell him I am not at home, OK.
The phone rang, Milka's wife answered, "Yes he is at home."
Milka got annoyed, "Why did you say that."
His wife explained, "Oh the phone was not for you but for me."
=============================================================================
A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that so often used the name, Bubba.
He went to court to change it and appeared before a judge who asked, "Sir, why do you want to legally change your name, are you in trouble, hiding from the law, what?"
"No sir, Your Honor. I'm just tired of listening to jokes about rednecks that often use that name. It's Bubba this, Bubba that, so I want my name changed."
The judge asked, "And what name do you want it changed to?"
He said, "Candy."
The judge replied, "Candy? Spell it for me."
He said, "Candy, C-A-N-D-Y, Your Honor."
The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, "Your name is now, Candy."
He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard, "Who's there?"
He said, "It's me!"
She said, "Come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."
He said, "It's not Bubba."
She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."
He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."
She asked, "What is it then?"
He said, "Guess."
She said, "Leroy?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Johnny?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."
He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth."
She replies, "Oh!... Come on in, Peter!"
-
John has been feeling unwell for some time, and finally the doctor calls him in and tells him the test results.
Stunned, he goes home and tells his wife that he only has one day left to live. She is horrified, but determines to make his last day as great as possible. She cooks his favorite meal, an extra bottle of beer or two.
They go bed and make love. After 20 minutes they make love again. After 5 or 6 repeats, they fall asleep, only for John to wake up horny a few minutes later. He wakes up his wife with his hard-on and she says:
"Oh, for God's sake, John, some of us have to get up for work in the morning..........!"
-
Woman In A Hot Air Balloon - Top Rated Joke 5 Stars
Woman in a hot air balloon
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.
She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The man consults his portable GPS and replies,'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says,'You must be a Republican!'
'I am,' replies the man.'How did you know?'
'Well,' answers the balloonist,'everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.'
The man smiles and responds,'You must be a Democrat.'
'I am,' replies the balloonist.'How did you know?'
'Well,' says the man,'You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
-
Perfect TD.....absolutely perfect.
I love it.
Love,
Liz
-
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window.
As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval.
The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina.
After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
-
Wonderful Jokes this morning.
-
Funny stuff. There should be a separate joke thread for the political jokes.
-
A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill."
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill."
Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, "Where have you been? Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill." and the girl says, "No, I am blueberry hill."
==============================================================================
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
================================================================================
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!" "Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now." "I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he? "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him." Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"
-
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans’ penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead
-
Hilarious stuff, Janus and Toe!
-
Sorry, yours, too, Well Behaved Lady :)
-
Just a collections of short narratives to keep the smiles in place...no apology for any politically incorrect
:emot_laughing:
Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse !!"
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your fucking next !!"
Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".
Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel?" he asks.
"Lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear !"
Went out last night dressed to kill . . . Beard, sandals, turban and backpack.
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part !!"
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman
turned up yet ?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday !!"
The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife. They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" ,
I answered"Yes!".
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident".
I said "I know but she has a lovely personality !"
Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Ron says "The measles are contagious".
Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's contagious"
Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious !!"
Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing.
Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks ?"
Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that’s the one !!"
Woman comes home early and catches Hubby having a wank in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.
Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why ??"
She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the fucking mop out again !!"
-
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fuck for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
-
:emot_laughing:
Niiiice
-
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans’ penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead
Aussies always get to the nub of the problem. ;D
-
Wubble, Rob, Hoss, TD... that was a really good way to start my day. Thank you all.
-
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans’ penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead
Aussies always get to the nub of the problem. ;D
They never have a problem going down under ;D
-
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
-
A woman gets a call from her husbands doctor's office.
"Mrs. Jones, we have the results from your husbands test, but I'm afraid we mixed up the results with another Jones, so we don't know if you husband has Alzheimer's or Aids."
Mr Jones is very upset! How? she asks, is she supposed to deal with this issue?
"Oh we've thought of a solution" the woman tells her. "just drive your husband 5 miles from home and drop him off. If he comes back, don't have sex with him."
-
Hoss, Janus, thanks! Hilarious new stuff!
-
Thanks Gomez, I liked that one.
-
Sexy Password
Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on "washing machine".
Later in bed that night husband says, "Washing machine".
Wife replies, "Not tonight darling I have a sore head".
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine".
Husband replies, "To late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand."
-
true story
Was out on the plant floor one day, and approached a group of guys on break.
As men will do at times, they were bragging on their "size".
Finally one guy, who had always been quite on the subject said,
"I don't know about you guys, but I'm hung like a dinosaur".
We've called him Barney ever since. :emot_laughing:
-
Hilarious stuff, TD, Gomez!
-
Little Goblin
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
-
Julie Paints
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door."I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
-
Unusual Complication
A patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four- hour surgical procedure.
A student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...
Are - my - test - results - back?"
-
Damned oxygen mask! Can't speak clearly with it, lol
-
This is why I didn't go into medicine.
-
Two fleas from Minnesota met on the beach in Miami.
One flea was shivering from being so cold for so long to get there and the second asked him what happened?
"I waited in a bar until I found a nice fuzzy warm area to ride south in and it turned out to be a beard on a crazy biker. We rode through snow and ice for twenty straight hours to get here! I'm freezing!!"
"Oh crap, next time do this! Go to the airport and wait in the ladies room by the toilets. Sooner or later some hot stewardess will come and you can just hop on and take a nice relaxing warm trip all the way down here."
That sounded like a great idea!
Next year the two fleas met on the beach again, the first one still shivering and cold.
"What happened to you? I thought you went tot he airport?"
"I did...I did exactly what you said! I went into the ladies bathroom, I waited by the toilets, this hot red-head sat down and I hopped on for a ride. It was so nice and warm and snugly that I fell sound asleep!"
"So what happened?"
"I'm not sure, but I woke up on some damned guys beard on a motorcycle riding down here from Minnesota!"
-
lol Good one! Poor flea...
-
Stumpy & Martha
One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to be naughty and have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"
-
Poor Martha!
I hope she had a soft landing.
Maybe on a clown... ;-)
-
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."
Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"
Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."
That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.
She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?
-
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
-
good one there.
-
A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'djellabah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, "These are 'debouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."
" Tell me," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
You're living in downtown Dearborn, Michigan, why are you wearing all this shit?"
-
lol The cold must be getting to his brain :P
-
Time for a smile...
These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound..
_______________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________________________
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
____________________________________________________________
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand......
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
-
true story:
A kindergarten teacher was reading "chicken little" to her class. When she got the part where Henny Penny ran up to the farmer and said "the sky is falling" she asked the class "and do you know what the farmer said?"
One little boy replied "holy shit, a talking chicken"
gotta love kids.
-
An oldie.. but goodie there Gomez
-
A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively.
"Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won`t sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the shy guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I`m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I`m a journalist and I`ve got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $100?"
-
This joke was definitely worth the $100!
-
Toe, Vinny, Gomez, TD, LOVED all the jokes! The classified adds and student/teacher jokes were HILAROUS!
Hey, Vinney, haven't seen you in some time, if you just got back, welcome back, buddy!
-
An elderly woman sitting on her porch, petting her beloved cat. A genie walks up her sidewalk. "Ma'am, you have lived a happy and simple life, I wish to grant you three wishes."
The woman smiles, "Oh, I have to think, well, I would like to be 18 again." The genie nods his head and she transforms into her 18 years old self. "I would like lots of money!" she wishes. He nods again and piles of gold and coins pile all beside her. The woman stops, "My cat here has been loyal and sweet, could you turn him into a young, handsome man?" The genie nods his head a third time and disappears. Turning around she sees a young man, fit, gorgeous and perfect.
"Why hello" she says coyly. He looks at her, "Don't look at me you bitch, you had me neutered."
-
for those of you who have not heard of "Bruster the Rooster"
Bruster the Rooster was the horniest thing alive. He'd try to breed anything alive. Of course, he tended to all the hens, but he'd also try the goat, dog, gopher or anything else he could catch.
The farmer kept telling him, "Bruster, you're going to fuck yourself to death one day."
One summer day the farmer looks out his window and sees Bruster laying motionless in the yard, buzzards circling overhead. The farmer walks out to the body, shovel in hand, and says:
"Bruster, I told ya you were going to kill yourself."
Bruster opened one eye, pointed up and said "Shhh, they're about to land."
-
Oops...
lol
-
Brewster again. ;D (note: the following is intended as humor only)
A chicken farmer had begun to notice that his old rooster, Brewster, was starting to have problems keeping up with the work load. The following Saturday, he went to the local flea market and bought a new, young rooste. After setting the young, new rooster down in the chicken yard, he went and sat down on his porch.
Old Brewster the rooster walked up to the young one and said "if you want any of these hens, your going to have to whip me first" and off ran. The young rooster immediately took chase, and around the house they ran. The farmer calmly watched them go past. The second time the pair past him, the farmer rose from his seat and walked into the house.
By the time Brewster and his young adversary passed,the farmer stepped out with his shotgun, and blew the young rooster into small bits. The farmer then called to his wife, "Helen, I bought another gay rooster"
-
lol Damn, i never saw that one coming! Gay roosters...
-
UNLOCKING THE DOOR
One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his
apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said,
"Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks
his door."
So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples."
So the girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if
a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that
means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
Then she said, "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't
seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that
isn't for me either."
Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I
lick the lock."
-
Sure you do, Hugh Hefner lol
-
UNLOCKING THE DOOR
One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his
apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said,
"Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks
his door."
So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples."
So the girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if
a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that
means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
Then she said, "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't
seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that
isn't for me either."
Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I
lick the lock."
Nice one TD :emot_laughing:
-
An Inappropriate Injury
[/u][/b]
Little Celeste ran in from the playground sobbing, holding her hand. "Mommy!" she wailed, desperate for help.
Her mother came running to see what was the matter, and it appeared Celeste had a small splinter in her left palm; enough to hurt a bit.
"Pour a glass of cider, please, mommy!" Celeste begged, tears streaming down her cheeks.
Her mother frowned, wondering why on earth her little girl would want cider when she has a splinter in her hand. Not wanting to argue, she reached into the cabinet and grabbed the cider. "Honey, what is the cider for?"
"I heard one of the big girls say that when she gets a prick in her hand, she just can't wait to get it in cider."
-
Want to hear a clean joke? The boy took a bath with bubbles.
Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is a 50 year old man.
******
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?"
The other fish says; "Holy shit, a talking fish!"
********
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4, it would be chicken sedan.
-
Heehee, you are very funny, Insatiable! Loved them!
-
Forgetful Bob
Bob was in a lot of trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed, and started to give him the business.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
-
What's Forrest gumps password?
1forrest1
-
Fish tank joke was the best joke posted on here in a long, long time... hard to think of good clean jokes with a twist in them. Here's one of my favorites:
What do you call a black man who can fly?
A pilot, of course...
-
lol Lots of hilarious jokes today!
-
:emot_laughing: Grandpa had that coming....good joke!
-
A joke you can tell a preacher.
When George H.W. Bush died he was sitting in heaven, admiring the views, and got to thinking. Of all the people in the bible, he had admired Moses the most. So he sought out ol' Mose and approached him. When Moses saw Mr. Bush approaching he called out "I don't have time to talk to you", and he left in a bit of a hurry.
Well George was a bit taken aback, but decided the man was surely busy, being so important, and let time pass. A few years later, he tried again, and once again, Moses replied, "I don't have time for you, I'll never have time for you".
To this Bush became upset. He said, "now wait a minute, why cant you talk to me? It's not like I'm some nobody. Why, I was Vice President of the United States, I leader of the free world for 8 years, and you cant find time for me?"
To which Moses replied "look bud, last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the wilderness, now go away!
-
lol Doesn't matter. He just doesn't want to talk to a bush :P
-
correct, For some reason I was thinking of the Reagan years. God I miss those.
-
Private Golf Lessons
A couple love to play golf together, but neither of them have been playing like they want to lately, and so they decide that it might be an idea if they took private lessons.
The husband is the first one to have a lesson.
After the instructor sees his swing, he moans loudly, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" the man asks.
"You need to hold the club gently," the golf pro replied. "Hold the club just like you would hold your wife's breast."
So the man takes the advice that the instructor gave him, takes a swing, and KERPOW! He hits the ball and it flies almost 300 yards straight up the fairway.
The man is delightd, and goes back to his wife with the good news.
His wife can't wait for her lesson, which just happens to be the very next day.
The golf pro watches the wife take her swing, and just as before he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife meekly.
"You need to hold the club gently, just like you would hold hold your husband's willie".
The wife listens very carefully to the instructor's advice, then takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway, landing about 15 feet from where she stood.
"That was great," the instructor says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"
-
A typical family of hillbillies, Paw , Maw , Jethro and little Sally.
One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"
Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you."
Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!"
Paw then says,"Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."
Paw says,"Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"
In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on?
"Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex.
"Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?
"Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"
-
:emot_laughing:
-
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day and said "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
-
Jethro is a smartass lol
-
But more likely a dumbass :P
-
A professor was conducting a survey class in comparative cultures. He noted that sexual attitudes varied widely between cultures, and those attitudes could be briefly summarized by the number of sexual positions commonly known and in use between couples.
At that point a young man in the back of the auditorium waved his hand over his head and called out "101, 101..."
The professor pointedly ignored him, and instead pointed to a young woman sitting in the front row. "For instance," he said, " you my dear, how many sexual positions are you aware of?"
Blushing furiously, the young co-ed stammered and said, "Well, I only know one, the man on top and the woman beneath."
At which, the young man at the back of the auditorium stood up and wildly waved his arms calling out, "102, 102..."
-
LOL, that was a good one Katie.
-
That was a joke about Toe in College. ;-)
-
That was mean of her, least she could of done was pack for him, would of got him out quicker. :emot_laughing:
-
One of Texas A&M's finest is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realizes she has gone COMMANDO (without underwear).
The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," the Aggie replies and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
The Aggie, who is completely astounded,, inquires what else it can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman.
The Aggie stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat and the Aggie moves over and she smiles
and asks, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, the Aggie replies, "You're shittin' me...you mean it can whistle, too?
-
LMAO.....woo that joke Thecia, loved it.
-
:facepalm:
-
A little boy walks into a whore house with a $100 bill and a dead frog. He goes to the pimp and asks for the ho with the most venerial diseases. The pimp is surprised but gives the boy his ho. After the boy does his deed, the pimp asks why he wanted the ho with all the venerial diseases. The boy answers: When I go home, I will get a babysitter while my parents go out to eat and I’ll fuck her. When my parents get home, my dad will drive the sitter home and screw her in the car. Tonight, my parents will fuck. Tomorrow, after my dad leaves for work, my mom will do the mailman, AND THAT THE SON Of A BITCH WHO RAN OVER MY FROG !!!!!
-
Brian had been in Police work in Chester Wales for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet..
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..
I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us :roll:
-
Getting To Know Each Other
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No." she said,
"I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
-
Loved the hooker joke!
-
A Man Gets His Fiance, Wendy’s Name Tattooed On His Penis.So When He’s Hard It Says “Wendy,” But When It’s Soft It Just Says, “W Y.”So They Get Married And Go To Jamaica On Their Honeymoon.They’re Dancing In The Club And Drinking And Having A Good Time When Inevitably The Man Has To Go To The Bathroom.He’s Standing At The Urinal And Notices A Big Tall Jamaican Guy Next To Him Has”W Y” Tattooed On His Penis.The Man Asked: “Excuse Me, But I Noticed You Have”W Y” On Your Penis.”The Jamaican Replies, “Ya Man, I See You Have It Too, What Does Yours Say When It’s Hard?”The Man Says Proudly: “When Mine’s Hard, It Says “Wendy, What Does Yours Say?”The Jamaican Says: “Ah Great Man, When Mine Is Hard It Says “Welcome To The Island Of Jamaica, Have A Nice Day!“
-
Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them. Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage. Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan. "We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it" So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out. Paddy says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?" As Paddy's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it... In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints... Sean: "I can't do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as fuck...!" Paddy: "No worries...I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"
-
Lippy, funny, funny stuff!
-
Just dropped by to stick a couple in... enjoy...
Heaven's Clerk
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or
her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
"Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely
dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for
her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and
found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I
began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but
his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our
antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man
and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a
massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on
the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I
stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab
onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came
rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I
fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up
I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way
but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room.
He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He
apologized and said, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know," replied the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
in this cedar chest.........."
A police motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
The 'violator' for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and
when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know
what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're
an arsehole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record
with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence,
so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and
mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.”
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”
~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~
-
Vinney, you're still at the top of your game.
-
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: “TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00.”
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: “JESUS SAVES.”
One of the girls asked the cop, “Why don’t you stop them?!”
“Well, that’s a little different,” the cop smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read:
“TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00.”
-
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
How does god make tea?
He brews.
-
lol Loved the Peter joke!
-
GHOST
A professor at Auburn University is giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do
any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question of you ever made love
to a ghost?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back,
and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has
ever claimed to have slept with a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student from (Kentucky)replies with a nod and a grin, and
begins to make his way up to the podium.
As he ambles slowly toward the podium the professor says, "Well, tell us
what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Shiiiiiit..... From way back there I
thought you said "goats."
-
What do Tupperware and male walruses have in common?
They both need a tight seal.
-
At The Airport one day.
The passenger's were all loaded on the plane and the flight attendant came on over the intercom and announced that there would be a slight delay as the pilot's were not yet aboard the aircraft.
After a short time, two pilots got on board the aircraft with white canes, The passenger's all looked shocked but said nothing for surely they couldn't be blind.!!
The pilots made there way to the cockpit and closed the door.
A few minutes later after a pre-flight, the engines were started and the plane taxied out to the runway.
The passenger's were all relieved that the canes were a joke.
The aircraft started it's take off roll, and went down the runway, further and further it went but not taking off!!!
Now the passengers started to scream and panic as the runway was coming to an end.
At about the same time the aircraft lifted off and headed into the sky.
Up in the cockpit the copilot turned to the captain and calmly remarked "you know, one of these days they aren't going to scream and we are all going to die!!"
-
Forgetfulish, Rob, Liz, loved your jokes!
-
A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I’m lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that’s pretty crappy," he thought. "If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
-
OUCH!!! lol
-
There once was a man from Nantucket
Aww the hell with it. ;D
-
For those who are approaching this milestone.... :emot_laughing:
Dating Ads for Seniors found in a Florida Newspaper
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, Fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and Meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, Take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier To share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
My favorite
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair, Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
-
Life from a Male's perspective...
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
so I did........ she's 21 and her name's Tracey.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"paedophile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
-----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a
hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent,
Trustworthy, Sensible.
Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It does everything -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back.
-
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag and a One Million Dollar Life Insurance policy on you."
-
A young Nun postulant (in training) was assigned to clean the rectory. During the cleaning of the house she had not seen hide nor hair of the priest. Until she reached the bathroom. Yep, there sat the priest.
As she apologized, and started to back out of the room, the priest called her over.
Pointing down to his member he asked her, "would you know what this is my daughter?"
to which she replied, "no father, I wouldn't"
"Well now, that is the key to the gate of heaven" he informed her.
Lifting her skirts and pointing to her vagina, he asked "would you know what that is my daughter?"
To which, she once again replied "no father, I wouldn't"
He responded, "that is the lock to the gate of heaven", and commenced to teach her how to unlock the gate of heaven.
When all was said and done, the postulant ran back to the nunnery, hollering for the mother superior. Mother superior was aghast when she heard the you ladies story, and replied,
"that son a of a bitch, for 20 years he's told me it's the "horn of Gabriel", and I've been blowing it!"
-
A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick". Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
-
Hoss, Gomez, Lippy, hilarious stuff! Especially your jokes, Hoss.
-
Two married friends are out drinking...
One says to the other: "I can never sneak into the house after I've been drinking. I've tried everything. I turn the headlights off before I go up the drive. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and creep upstairs. I get undressed in the bathroom. I do everything, but then my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out late."
His friend replies: "Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife's bottom and say, "How about a blow job?" She always pretends she's asleep."
-
Two men were shipwrecked on an island. They decided to venture inland to see if they could find someone. The men came across a village in the middle of a jungle, immediately they were surrounded by a tribe of islanders.
The chief walks to the men and says, ” What do you choose, Death or Boogaloo?” The first man thinks for a second and replies, “I choose Boogaloo”.
The chief smiles and the tribe begins to chant “boogaloo, boogaloo, boogaloo”. The chief takes the man, bends him over and f**ks him up the ***.
The second man is horrified at what he has just witnessed and then the chief walks up to him and asks, “You must choose, Death or Boogaloo”?
The man thinks he would rather die than have boogaloo, so he replies, “I choose death”.
The tribe roars in ecstasy and the chief yells, “Death by boogaloo!!!”
-
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the preacher with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and cherish" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the preacher looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and vow eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the preacher and whispered: "I thought we had a deal."
The preacher put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back: "She made me a much better offer."
-
Two men were shipwrecked on an island. They decided to venture inland to see if they could find someone. The men came across a village in the middle of a jungle, immediately they were surrounded by a tribe of islanders.
The chief walks to the men and says, ” What do you choose, Death or Boogaloo?” The first man thinks for a second and replies, “I choose Boogaloo”.
The chief smiles and the tribe begins to chant “boogaloo, boogaloo, boogaloo”. The chief takes the man, bends him over and f**ks him up the ***.
The second man is horrified at what he has just witnessed and then the chief walks up to him and asks, “You must choose, Death or Boogaloo”?
The man thinks he would rather die than have boogaloo, so he replies, “I choose death”.
The tribe roars in ecstasy and the chief yells, “Death by boogaloo!!!”
Actually I prefer death by Snoo Snoo. :emot_laughing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCgFLckZxOg (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCgFLckZxOg)
-
Janus, that wife was pure evil, lol ;-)
-
True story here, but funny as hell.
Once worked with a guy that was pretty regular about getting to work. One day he didn't show up, nobody heard from him for a couple of days. When he finally came back to work we got a good story.
Seems that while have doggy style sex with his wife, he tried to "sneak" it up her ass (like she's not going to notice, yeah right). When the cops arrived they found him running down the street, naked, pants in hand. They arrested him for indecent exposure.
They arrested her for attempted murder. Seems her response was to grab the .38 by the bed and start shooting at him as he ran down the street.
-
What's the difference between regular sex and anal sex?
Regular sex can make your day, but anal sex can make your hole weak.
-
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,�
trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the�brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."�
"I should be in charge," said the�blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the�stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."�
"I should be in charge," said the�legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."�
"I should be in charge," said the�eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."�
"I should be in charge," said the�rectum,"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum�
and insulted him,�
so in a huff, he shut down tight.�
Within a few days, the�brain�had a terrible headache,�
the�stomach�was bloated,�
the�legs�got wobbly,�
the�eyes�got watery,�
and the�blood�was toxic.�
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.�
The Moral of the story?��
Even though the others do all the work...�
The�ass hole�is usually in charge� ;D
-
Gomez, Janus, thank you! Funny, funny stuff!
-
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,�
trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the�brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."�
"I should be in charge," said the�blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the�stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."�
"I should be in charge," said the�legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."�
"I should be in charge," said the�eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."�
"I should be in charge," said the�rectum,"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum�
and insulted him,�
so in a huff, he shut down tight.�
Within a few days, the�brain�had a terrible headache,�
the�stomach�was bloated,�
the�legs�got wobbly,�
the�eyes�got watery,�
and the�blood�was toxic.�
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.�
The Moral of the story?��
Even though the others do all the work...�
The�ass hole�is usually in charge� ;D
They say that cream rises to the top. That only happens if you are a bottle of milk. Most organizations are like septic tanks, and the really large chunks rise to the top.
-
A lady does not fart, belch, or sweat.
Thus they must bitch or they will explode.
Never hold in you farts, lest they back up
and cause shitty ideas.
-
True story.
I worked with this guy we called Jo-Jo. He and I were working side by side pouring a concrete pad when his cell phone rang. His ring tone was Dixie.
I had to ask, "Jo-Jo! Your new ring tone is Battle Hyme of the Republic?"
He said "No man, it's "Dixie", from the movie Dukes of Hazard.
I told him, "Yeah, that's the Battle Hyme of the Republic man. You know, the Confederate battle song from the Civil War?"
A couple more guys finally spoke up, telling him I was right.
He immediately changed his ring tone.
Did I mention Jo-Jo is black?
-
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh...it is all true.
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
-
I take it you finally reached 50, TD? ;-) Are you enjoying those perks?
-
I take it you finally reached 50, TD? ;-) Are you enjoying those perks?
Come on G-Guy! Take a look at her profile and you will see that she in nowhere near that! Shame on you!
-
RHL, RHL, you know better than to tell a person who can't view profiles to look at a profile :P That's like telling a blind man "Read this for me, if forgot my glasses".
Anyhow, i heard TD had THE BEST plastic surgeon :)
-
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh...it is all true.
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
I resemble most of those.
-
Her profile says she is 37. Remember, the quickest way to get on the wrong side of a lady is to assume she is older than she really is.
-
GB, it's never a matter of me always saying the wrong thing, the problem is some people MISUNDERSTAND and jump to conclusions. Other people say the same things but nobody attacks them.
As far as TD, she knows she does the same thing to me all the time, it's all in fun.
Besides, i said she looked great for her age anyway. :)
-
A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."
The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."
The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."
===================================================================
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
-
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
-
Quote: "She Looks Great For Her Age" UnQuote.....There is NO MORE Fatal phrase than that.!! If you would like, you can borrow my chainsaw and cut your own head off. I can't beleive that you would even consider "using" that phrase at all.
Love,
Liz
Oh look Liz is thirty years old!!, she looks great for her age.!!!....yup like a tugboat sunk in the harbor..
GRRRRRRRRR............
-
The golden urinal
Several days after President Obama was re-elected president, he went
over to see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their spacious home.
After drinking several glasses of wine, he asked his host if he
could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Bill Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see
that Clinton had a golden urinal! Wow!
The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in
Clinton 's private lavatory "Just think,' he said, 'maybe I should get a gold
urinal too. But on the other hand I think that it may be just a bit too
self-indulgent.. Even for a guy like me!"
Later in the week, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told
Hillary how impressed her husband had been at his discovering that Bill had a
gold urinal in his private bathroom.
Later that day, when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to him
"I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
-
Hilarious!!! Thanks for posting! Crazy politicians...
-
There are two theories to arguing with women...
Neither one works.
-
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing.
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked
"
We peered at the patient.. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just . Just . . . Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . ..
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . Its.. . Teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50..
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!
-
Sounds like the perfect episode for a sitcom, lol
-
:emot_laughing:
How is it that I can picture (of all people) Janus jacking off a lizard.
No one else, just Janus doing that deed......
OMG..!!!
:emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
-
On a bright sunny morning the lion awoke feeling hung-over, really rowdy and rather mean. He went roaring out of his den an cornering a small monkey, roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion! Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,.... "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle! "
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by an over-loaded safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the poor lion till it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away. The lion let out a low slow moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -
"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so damned upset about it!"
-
•The bartender was washing his glasses when an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish Whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskery also.
The Next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded, and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.
The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up an danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"
-
Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.
Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds"
Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jack: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "Yes"
Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We do..."
Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and walking sticks?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."
-
Good jokes Tiny and Jem.....Was a most pleasant way to wake up this morning.
-
lol Jack and Gill were the characters of Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley, Jr. in Transylvania 6-5000! :P
-
NICE......
-
A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips.”
The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, “S**t, me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”
=====================================================================
A man says to his wife, “I want some kinky sex, how about I ———— in your ear?” The wife hastily replies, “No, I might go deaf!” To which the man replies, “I’ve been ———– in your mouth for the last 20 years and you’re still f***ng talking aren’t you?” -
-
lol Hilarious, Janus! Thanks.
-
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat,
drink and be Mary.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and
a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's
not the 13th then."
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the
house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets
any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I
only intended to rough him up a bit.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
.Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A
BOY"And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai
Brothel.
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of
cocaine.Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka.
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper
& lead.
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged
couple from Weymouth.
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled
LSD?'Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?!
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
-
(http://24.media.tumblr.com/5259e3a77cd03f91a64367069fee16e4/tumblr_mot8rmZuWM1r63q11o1_1280.jpg)
-
1) What is a KISS?
It’s an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead to further PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build next GENERATION.
2) Latest Statistics: What men do after sex? 2% eat. 3% smoke cigarettes. 4% take shower.5% go to sleep. 86% get up and go back home to their wives.
3) Why is your dick better than a credit card?
1.Once spent recharges itself.
2.It is accepted worldwide.
3.You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.
4) LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I just found out that our neigh bor’s son has a penis like a peanut!
MUM: You mean it’s small?
LITTLE GIRL: No it’s salty!!!
5) A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.
6) A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitt
ing next to him asked: Are they your babies?
MAN: No,I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.
7) Women top 5 lies:
5. I am a virgin.
4. It is so big.
3. I can’t do that to my best friend.
2. I won’t gain weight after marriage
1. I am coming! I am coming!!!
8) A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic. She says: What is that? He says: We go Home, screw, and then you disappear.
9) What is the closest thing to a woman’s period?
Your SALARY… It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn’t come, you are F*CKED!!!
10 ) Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?
A Kid replied : The legs…because everynight I see my mum’s legs up high and screaming “OH GOD! I’M COMING”.
11) Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?
Pupil : Becaus e I heard my sister’s boyfriend say, “TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY”.
12) What’s the difference between a panty and a stage curtain??
Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain, show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY… IT’S SHOWTIME.
13) AGES OF VAGINA:
-16 to 19 BRAND NEW.
-20 TO 28 SLIGHTLY USED
-29 TO 36 SECOND HAND
-37 TO 45 SUBJECT TO REPAIR
-46 TO 55 FOR LUBRICATION
-56 TO 60 TOTAL WRECK
-61 TO 70 CLOSED FOR RENOVATION!!!!!!!
14) MUM: Didn’t I tell you if stranger touches your breast say
“DON’T”. And if he touches your pussy say STOP!
GIRL : But mum, he touched both, so I told him DON’T STOP!!!!”
15) GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES
9 INCHES – Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES – Oh, I’m in heaven
6 INCHES – OH PERFECT
5 INCHES – UMMMM OK
4 INCHES – PUSH MORE
3 INCHES – IS THAT IN???
2 INCH
-
Jem, Janus, great stuff!
-
4 Husbands
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
-
lol Silly but a good laugh :)
-
NAUGHTY NUNS
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
He asks the first nun, ''Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?''
The nun giggles and slyly replies, ''Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.''
St. Peter says, ''OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.''
St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, ''Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?''
The nun is a little reluctant but replies ''Well once I fondled and stroked one.''
St. Peter says ''OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.''
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says ''Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!
''The nun replies, ''If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
-
OMG, that was sick and hilarious!!! LOVED IT!!!
-
well, i just read one, it was in the irish times, published this month but it was a xmas joke.
three irishmen died on xmas. They met St. Peter at the gate. He said, "You are in luck! today, in honor of Christ's birth, you may enter if you have something on you that symbolizes Christmas.
The first one pulled out a lighter from his pocket: "This is candle, which has symbolized Christ illuminating us."
St. Peter said, "You may enter the pearly gates."
The second one found keys in his pocket, "This are bells to announce the birth of the Christ child!"
St. Peter said, "You may enter the pearly gates."
The third one fished through his pockets and pulled out a pair of women's panties.
"Uhhh, these are Carol's."
-
My Dick is soooo big
There are many ways to describe just how well endowed you are, for example...
My dick is so big, its a tight fit when I'm bangin' your loose momma!
My dick is so big, there's still snow on it in the summertime.
My dick is so big, I went to The Viper Room and my dick got right in. I had to stand and argue with the doorman.
My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of company.
My dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's calls.
My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from high school.
My dick has an elevator and a lobby.
My dick has better credit than I do.
My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I c um.
My dick is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It's now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick.
My dick is so big, it has casters.
My dick is so big, I'm already fu cking a girl tomorrow.
My dick is so big, ships use it to find their way into the harbor.
My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Dick.
My dick is so big, it lives next door.
My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second, and third.
My dick is so big, it votes.
My dick is a better dresser than I am.
My dick is so big, it has a three-picture deal.
My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen my balls in pictures.
My dick is so big, Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750th home run.
My dick is the Walrus, koo koo ga joob.
No matter where I go, my dick always gets there first.
My dick takes longer lunches than I do.
My dick contributed fifty thousand dollars to the Democratic National Committee.
My dick was once the ambassador to China.
My dick is so big, it's gone condo.
My dick was almost drafted by the Cleveland Browns, but Art Modell didn't want a bigger dick than himself.
My dick is so big, I use the Eiffel Tower as a French tickler.
It's so big, when it rains the head of my dick doesn't get wet.
My dick is so big, I could wear it as a tie if I wasn't so afraid of getting a h ard-on and killing myself.
My dick is so big, I have to use an elastic zipper.
My dick is so big, it has feet.
My dick is so big, a homeless family lives underneath it.
My dick is so big, it takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdales to j ack me off.
My dick is so big, my mother was in labor for three extra days.
My dick is so big, they use the bullet train to test my condoms.
My dick is so big, it has investors.
My dick is so big, it seats six.
My dick is so big, I use a hula hoop as a co ck ring.
My dick is so big, we use it at parties as a limbo pole.
My dick is so big, King Kong is going to crawl up it in the next remake.
My dick is so big, it has an opening act.
My dick is so big I can fu ck an elevator shaft.
My dick is so big, it has its own Wheaties box.
My dick is so big, I have to cook it breakfast in the mornings.
My dick is so big, the city had to carve a hole in the middle of it so cars could get through.
My dick is so big, every time I get hard I cause a solar eclipse.
My dick is so big, it only plays arenas.
If you cut my dick in two, you can tell how old I am.
My dick was once set on fire for a Dino DiLaurentis movie.
My dick is so big, it needs an airplane warning light.
My dick is so big, Trump owns it.
My dick is so big that we're all a part of it, and it's all a part of us.
My dick is so big, I can never sit in the front row.
My dick is so big, it has its own dick. And even my dick's dick is bigger than your dick.
My dick is so big, you can't blow me without a ladder.
My dick is so big, it only does one show a night.
My dick is so big, you can ski down it.
My dick is so big, it has elbows.
My dick is so big, I have to check it as luggage when I fly.
My dick is so big, it has a personal trainer.
My dick is so big, that right now it's in the other room fixing us drinks.
My dick is so big, it has a retractable dome.
My dick is so big, it has stairs up the center like the Statue of Liberty.
My dick is so big, it's against the law to fu ck me without protective headgear.
My dick is so big, I could fu ck a tuba.
My dick is so big, Stephen Hawking has a theory about it.
My dick is so big, it has its own gravity
NASA once launched a space probe to search for the tip of my dick.
My dick is so big, it's impossible to see all of it without a satellite.
The inside of my dick contains billions and billions of stars.
My dick is so big, it has a spine.
My dick is so big, it has a basement.
My dick is so big, movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and My Dick.
My dick is more muscular than I am.
My dick is so big it has cable.
My dick is so big, it violates seventeen zoning laws.
My dick is so big, it has its own page in the Sierra Club calendar.
My dick is so big, it has a fifty-yard line.
My dick is so big, I was once in Ohio and got a bl ow job in Tennessee.
My dick is so big, Las Vegas casinos fly it into town for free.
My dick is so big, I can braid it.
My dick is so big, that when it's Eastern Standard Time at the tip, it's Central Mountain Time at my balls.
My dick is so big, I painted the foreskin red, white, and blue and used it as a flag.
My dick is so big, I can sit on it.
My dick is so big, it can chew gum.
My dick is so big, it only tips with hundreds.
My dick is so big, the Carnegie Deli named a sandwich after it. Actually, two sandwiches.
My dick is so big, the city was going to build a statue of it but they ran out of cement.
My dick is so big, Michael Jackson wants to build an amusement park on it.
My dick is so big, when I get hard my eyebrows get pulled down to my neck.
My dick is so big, you're standing on it.
My dick is so big, it only comes into work when it feels like it.
My dick is so big, it plays golf with the president.
My dick is so big, it charges money for its autograph.
My dick is so big, it has an agent. My dick's people will call your people. Let's have lunch with my dick.
My dick is so big, it's right behind you.
-
No It's Not.
Love,
Liz
-
(http://www.globalpost.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/gp3_slideshow_large/giant_penis_2011_4_20.jpg)
-
THAT!!!!
IS DEFINITELY NOT BEHIND ME OR IN FRONT OF ME OR ANYWHERE NEAR ME!!!!
:emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
-
THAT!!!!
IS DEFINITELY NOT BEHIND ME OR IN FRONT OF ME OR ANYWHERE NEAR ME!!!!
:emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
It can't hurt ya Liz, it's all chained up!!!!
-
Like Hell.!!!!!
Love,
Liz
-
(http://www.globalpost.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/gp3_slideshow_large/giant_penis_2011_4_20.jpg)
I want one
-
TD HAS A DICK?!?!?!?
-
Nah GG...I have something better!!!! :emot_laughing:
-
2 dicks....one for me and one for you!
-
Cookies
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those, they are for after your funeral ! ! ! "
-
lol What a witch! He's not even in the ground yet and she already planned his funeral. :P
-
LOL.....Too Funny!!!!!
Love,
Liz
-
lol What a witch! He's not even in the ground yet and she already planned his funeral. :P
Naw, just practical. When he's dead, there will be too much to do, what with the wake and all.
-
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
==========================================================================
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".
=======================================================================
A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You’re the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies " I’m 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown.” The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I’m 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.” The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. “For a minute there, I thought you said ‘Turn Around’.”
-
lol What a witch! He's not even in the ground yet and she already planned his funeral. :P
Naw, just practical. When he's dead, there will be too much to do, what with the wake and all.
Now that is practical thinking...LOL
-
A young woman's grandfather dies suddenly of a heart attack.. Several days after the funeral the young woman is talking to her grandmother, asking how her grandfather died.
"I don't understand what happened" she say's. "He was in wonderful health for his age"
"Well dear" grandma replies. "You see, it happened on Sunday. We would always make love to the sound of the church bells. He would go forward on the ding, and back on the dong. It was so wonderful. Slow and easy, nicely paced for our age. He'd still be alive today, if that ice cream truck hadn't driven by."
-
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line: 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
-
Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!
Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. Cover me im going in!
Q. What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen?
A. It's arse!
Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
A. They both have the ability to misfire.
Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A. Because their plugged into a genius!
Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!
Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.
Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog
Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass
Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
A. 3 Stone
-
Thanks for the funny stuff, TD and Janus!
-
Catch Me Some Chickens
There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"
"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"
"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.
Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"
"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back. "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"
"Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow."
"Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."
-
A secretary got an expensive pen as a birthday gift from her boss, who was away on his company's seminar.
She sent her boss a 'Thank You' via SMS.
He was out playing golf but had forgotten to take his mobile.
At home his wife read the text, as some wives do, and angrily confronted her husband about the message when he returned:
"Penis wonderful. Feels really nice in the hand. Lovely smooth action. Just what I needed. Thanks."
-
TD, loved the farmer joke! Gravity, that was hilarious about the old sailor. Vinney, don't you love when messages get fucked up like that? ;-)
-
I agree GG...loved both the knot joke and the pen joke. Thanks for posting.
-
A Blonde and her Horse. (NOT ME).
A 30 year old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first time.
With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.........
................
................
................
Frank, The Wal-Mart Greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say "Hello".
-
Thanks for sharing that personal experience, despite yoir protest that it isn't you. ;-)
-
*your
-
The Creative Writing award goes to Geminiguy for posting a new way of spelling your. Or was it the contraction you're that you were going for?
Never mind, you still get the award!
:emot_laughing: :emot_kiss:
-
I love this "new" phone i'm using but sometimes something slips past my vision, and having the U I and O side-by-side always tends to bite me in the butt, lol
your
yuur
yoir
;-)
-
Senior Sex
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
-
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him
pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi
sweetheart.
It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the
four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the
boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into
the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.
-
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him
pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi
sweetheart.
It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the
four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the
boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into
the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.
I don't care what anyone has to say....This is perfect!!
Not only as a joke, but would actually work well in real life to.
I love this....
Love,
Liz
-
I think Sue's face went beyond red by several shades ;-)
-
Thor, The God Of Thunder was taking a leasurely stroll through the city when he turned down onto a quiet street in the suburbs.
Thor gasped at the carnage and destruction that lay before him: Whole houses had been torn out of the ground and thrown here and there.
"What could cause such destruction?!%" Thor wondered aloud.
In the distance heard a great crash. Thor rushed forward hoping to find and stop the cause of this carnage.
Suddenly Thor stopped in his tracks. "By the Gods -"
Before him stood Hulk, tearing a house from the ground and throwing it in such a way that it spun as it went flying.
"What in the name of Odin are you doing, oh, great green one?!?"
Hulk turned to Thor. "Me no understand," He said, scratching his head. "Me heard on radio i could make thousands of dollars flipping houses. Where thousands of dollars?!?"
Thor rolled his eyes and shook his head.
-
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early?
"I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where", he asked.
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
.......................................................
A young boy caught sight of his mother changing one day, and asked her what that was that she had between her legs.
"That is something you're never going to talk about again. And you shouldn't touch it either, because it has teeth." Many years went by, and the boy never touched any girl in between her legs, because he was very scared. One day, however, he met the love of his life and, in time, they got married. On their wedding night, his wife asked him to touch her there.
"No," he said, "it's got teeth."
"Silly goose!" she said. She spread her legs wide for him to see. "See? No teeth!"
"Well, I'm not surprised," the man said. "Not with gums like that."
...........................................................
A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems.
The counselor sits them down and says "Let's start by talking about what you
both have in common."
The husband says "Well for starters, neither one of us will suck a dick."
-
Oh Tiny......Great finds this morning......LMAO
-
I agree. All great ones, TD!
-
-
One day a blond walks into a doctor's office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor asks her what had happened.
She says, "Well... when I was ironing my work suit, the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other one?"
"The bastard called again"
-
A SMALL GLIMMER OF HOPE IN THE GLOOM !
Viagra' is now available in tea bags.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuits going soft.
-
One day a blond walks into a doctor's office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor asks her what had happened.
She says, "Well... when I was ironing my work suit, the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other one?"
"The bastard called again"
:emot_laughing: OMG Nice one
-
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1148890_718859831476806_401111595_n.jpg)
-
heh.
-
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex....
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
-
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex....
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UgdBxfSpu7Y/T_-IVmfCdpI/AAAAAAAABKE/s3ZfN6KvBxQ/s1600/facebook-emoticon-covering-his-grin.jpg)
-
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful mommy. The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly daddy. Her note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to the lady in the kitchen. His note read:
The Tent Pole’s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You’re Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs. Her note read:
I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land.
But I’m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand.
-
Oh my gawd that got me laughing so hard! Nice one WBL
-
Hilarious stuff! The mother worried about her daughter was funny, but the husband and wife was a riot!
-
A Roaring Success
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older retired Scottish golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.
He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history, here is your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired Scottish golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "Aye, no problem, just get that lion out of the way."
-
A police motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an arsehole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.”
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”
~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~
-
An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, ‘I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was testing it.'
The intrigued woman asks, 'a state-of-the-art watch? ''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!'
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
-
That Aussie has got some brass balls, lol
-
VINNEY, Bro that was hilarious. Thanks for the chuckle
-
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance’, she said… ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’…
‘What is Irish Viagra?’, she asked.
It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’
‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor.
‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
T’was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’
‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’
‘Freakin’ jaysus, it was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.
-
That's the costa coffee... great joke WBL...
:emot_laughing:
vinney
-
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
-
Good thinking, Jimmy!
I hope dad didn't decide to eat the dog instead, lol
-
(http://i.imgur.com/dC14C4wl.jpg) (http://imgur.com/dC14C4w)
-
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmers field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now Im going to retrieve it." The old farmer responded, "This is my property and youre not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you dont let me get that duck, Ill sue you for everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you dont know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom. The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyers groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyers last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmers third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now its my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
-
Haven't lawyers learned by now? ;-)
Hey, that lawyer wasn't by any chance Toe, was it?
-
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
-
Good one, Well-Behaved Lady! Very good one. It's nice to see for once the husband not getting it. :P
-
Umm, just wait until he gets home...
-
If she into saving money she won't get mad at him to save face. lol
-
If she into saving money she won't get mad at him to save face. lol
You obviously don't live with a woman. She is going to be mad.
-
Oh, i do. And i know a lot of "thifty" women like that guy's wife.
-
Three guys die and go to hell.
When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.
"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.
"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.
So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"
To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"
As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.
"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.
"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"
-
Three guys die and go to hell.
When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.
"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.
"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.
So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"
To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"
As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.
"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.
"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"
I don't know what is so funny about having your dick froze off. The Army tried to do it a couple of times over in Korea, and it wasn't any fun then.
-
Three guys die and go to hell.
When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.
"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.
"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.
So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"
To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"
As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.
"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.
"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"
I don't know what is so funny about having your dick froze off. The Army tried to do it a couple of times over in Korea, and it wasn't any fun then.
I am not here long enough to 'know' you or your humour....but I'll respond as I see it, the joke is you SUCK a popsicle
-
Hmmm, I tend to chew them.
-
Three guys die and go to hell.
When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.
"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.
"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.
So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"
To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"
As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.
"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.
"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"
I don't know what is so funny about having your dick froze off. The Army tried to do it a couple of times over in Korea, and it wasn't any fun then.
I am not here long enough to 'know' you or your humour....but I'll respond as I see it, the joke is you SUCK a popsicle
The premise of the joke was what their fathers did, not what their customers did with their products. His father made Popsicles by freezing them. Sorry but this joke misfired. Don't let this get you. Every once in a while, I bomb big time.
-
It is a joke. My sense of humor can be a little weird. I don't want any hard feelings on this. We have enough vitriol in other threads.
-
It is a joke. My sense of humor can be a little weird. I don't want any hard feelings on this. We have enough vitriol in other threads.
You say weird like it's a bad thing!
-
It is a joke. My sense of humor can be a little weird. I don't want any hard feelings on this. We have enough vitriol in other threads.
You say weird like it's a bad thing!
No hard feelings at all, we are all unique and that's what makes us interesting.
-
Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:
The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
-
lol That was hilarious, Well-Behaved Lady! ;-)
-
Wow. For a minute there I thought that JOKE OF THE DAY was going to end up in 1408. :emot_laughing:
-
Wow. For a minute there I thought that JOKE OF THE DAY was going to end up in 1408. :emot_laughing:
so did I...LOL That was a great one.
-
Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:
The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Woo for that... takes us away from all that negativity on the board... WBL you have really tasty sense of humour... much appreciated...
vinney
-
She was able to tell an awesomely funny joke WITHOUT being perverted.
NOT that's there's anything wrong with perverted jokes...
-
Two Arab terrorists were in a locker room, taking a shower after their bomb-making class in Melbourne, when one noticed that the other had a huge cork stuck in his butt!
"If you don't mind my asking," said the second Arab, "that cork looks uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I regret I cannot," lamented the first Arab, "It is permanently stuck in my bum."
"I do not understand." said the other.
The first Arab said, "I was walking along Russell Street and tripped over an oil lamp, there was a puff of smoke and a huge old man with a white beard and an Akubra hat and wearing nothing but an Aussie flag came boiling out. He said, "I am the Genie of OZ; I can grant you one wish.'
I said, "No shit?"
-
There were three dogs at a vet's office. The first dog asked the second one why he was there.
He replied by saying, My owner has a really nice car and one day when he was taking me for a ride I just couldn't help myself I pissed all over the seats. He got really mad so he brought me here to be put to sleep.
Well then the first dog said, That is kinda what happened to me but a little different. Well you see my owner was kinda late coming home from work and I to couldn't help myself I crapped all over the new rug. So he to brought me here to put me to sleep.
Then the two dogs asked the third one why he was there.
The third dog said, "Well you see my owner likes to clean the house in the nude and one day when she was bending down to clean under the couch well I to couldn't help myself; I jumped on her back and had the ride of my life!"
The first and second dog said, "Well let me guess she brought you here to have you put to sleep, right?"
The dog replied, "Nope she brought me here to get my toe nails clipped."
-
But he didn't say "I wish for no shit!" lol :P
-
Fire Truck Game
Boy: Let's play the Fire truck game
Girl: How do you play?
Boy: I run my fingers up your leg until you say RED LIGHT and i'll stop
Girl: Okay :)
*seconds later* Girl: RED LIGHT
Boy: Fire trucks don't stop at red lights.
-
I think that these jokes have been posted before but I figured what the hell.
A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the corner. After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "how did you do?". She says, "I did pretty well, I made $200.50". He asks, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" and she replies "all of them".
=============================================================
A Catholic couple is about to get married, and the woman sits the man down for a heart-to-heart the day before the wedding. She says, "Honey, before we do this, I have something I need to get off my chest. You see, a few years back, my family was very poor, and for a while I had to work as a prostitute."
The man leaps out of his chair and shouts, "Oh no, absolutely not! I can't get married to you!"
The woman starts crying, and begs him to forgive her, "Please don't leave me - surely you can live with a woman who used to be a bit of a whore..."
The man sits down and says, "Oh, that's fine. For a minute I thought you said Protestant."
-
A couple of angry husbands/husbands-to-be, lol
-
As we get older and visit the doctor more, this could be handy to remember.
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR WHO DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause...
DON'T MESS WITH US OLD FOLK.
-
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?""About 35," was the reply."I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29"."I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
-
Good one, Vinney! I'll never mess with old folks, lol
-
A wife gives her husband a beer as she leaves for her doctors appointment.
''What time you going to be back?'' he yelled at her, as he turned on the TV.
A few hours later his wife smiling came into the front room.
''What did the Doctor say?'' ask her husband.
''He said I had the skin softness of a woman 20 years younger.'' the wife replied.
''Oh yeah!! What else did he say?''
''He said my breasts were full and firm of a much younger women.''
''Oh really? What did the Dr. say about your big fat ass?''
She looked at him and said, ''sorry, your name never came up.''
-
Good Jokes by all three of you today....That was great
-
Ouch, another husband bashed. ;-)
-
Boyfriend: Life is a bitch.
And so is my girlfriend.
Girlfriend: Life is short.
And so is his dick.
-
Another quote from The Book of Armaments
And it came to pass that Saint Victor was taken from this place to another place, where he was lain upon pillows of silk and made to rest himself amongst sheets of muslin and velvet. And there stroked was he by maidens of the Orient. Full sixteen days and nights stroked they him, yea verily and caressed him. His hair, ruffled they and their fingers rubbeth they in oil of olives and runneth them across all parts of his body forasmuch as to soothe him. And the soles of his feet licked they and the upper parts of his thigh did they anoint with the balm of forbidden trees. And with the teeth of their mouths, nibbleth they the pointed bits at the top of his ears. Yea verily, and did their tongues thereof make themselves acquainted with his most secret places.
For fifteen days and nights did Victor withstand these maidens, but on the sixteenth day he cried out, saying, "This is fantastic! Oh, this is terrific!" And the Lord did hear the cry of Victor. And verily came He down and slew the maidens. And caused their cottonwool buds to blow away, and their Kleenex to be laid waste utterly. And Victor, in his anguish, cried out that the Lord was a rotten bastard. And the Lord sent an angel to comfort Victor for the weekend. And entered they together the jacuzzi.
-
Back on July 9th of this year, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railing'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
-
Back on July 9th of this year, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railing'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Well, If anyone here knows me, I would have swept her/him off his feet and taken her/him home with me. But hey...that's how I roll.
-
George was too manly to be kissed by a guy, lol :P
-
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So he decided to test it on himself first.
He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on, and voila, everything else was automatic! He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. However, when the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information.
He tried every button on the instrument – some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less – but still he had no success getting out of it. Panicking, he just barely reached the phone and called the supplier’s customer service hotline.
The farmer: “Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow’s udder?”
Customer Service: “Don’t worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting about 2 gallons of milk.”
-
lol He'll be on there a while!
-
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Nice
-
A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."
-
That'll be his last shave. ;-)
-
Definition of the word "coincidence"
A chicken farmer went to the local bar, sat down next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".
"What a coincidence" said the farmer, who added. "It is a special day for me...I'm celebrating".
"It is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating" said the woman.
"What a coincidence" said the farmer.
While they toasted, the man asked. "What are you celebrating"?
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant".
"What a coincidence" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"This is awesome" said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster" the farmer said.
The woman smiled and said. "What a coincidence."
-
Not that much of a coincidence... lol
-
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
-
I must have one
[My thanks to Charles Kohnfelder for the following joke]
Jacob is 85 years old and has just arrived in London to live with his daughter. One day, he’s taking a walk when he sees a fellow Russian smoking a cigarette using a cigarette holder.
Jacob had never seen such a thing before, so he asks, "vats duss?"
The other man says, "Dots a protector. It protects mine clothing from de eshes and mine beard from de flame."
Jacob says, "I gotta hev one of dem too. Where do you gedit?"
The other man says, "I godit in de chemist shop."
Jacob walks all the way to the nearest chemist, goes up to an assistant and says, "So gimme a protecter."
The assistant looks at the elderly little man and decides to have some fun.
"So what size you want, mister?"
Jacob shrugs and says, "Size? It should fit a cemel."
-
Well??? Do you have my size?!?
lol
-
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes.
Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?"
His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?"
"No", said Little Johnny.
His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer.
He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?"
His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?"
"No" said Little Johnny.
"Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.
The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies.
His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?"
Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?"
His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!"
Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"
-
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
-
She married and had 13 children.Then her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children.Again, her husband died.
She married third time and had 5 more children.After a long life, she finally died after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the priest prayed for her.
"He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."’
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, ‘Do you think he means her first, second or third husband???
’The friend replied, ‘I think he means her legs.’
-
Ok, here is funny story of a lady that outlived 3 husbands. I asked how show coped with loosing three husbands, and this is what she said
"I was married to my first husband for 5 years, and he died from eating poisoned mushrooms.
I was married to my second husband for 8 years, and he died from eating poisoned mushrooms too.
I was married to my third husband for 11 years, and he died from blunt force drama to head because he would not eat the poisoned mushrooms"
-
Great jokes, Vinney, LFK!
-
One day Rob goes to the church and takes a seat in the confessional. 'Father', he says, 'this week I have sinned forty three times.' 'My son', the priest says, 'this is a bad thing. Who did this happen with?.' 'My wife', Rob answers. 'But that is not a sin', the priest says, 'That is common behavior in a marriage.' 'I know', Rob says with a smile, 'I was just anxious to tell someone.
=======================================================================
-
Rebuttal Etiquette (by a man)
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
-
An old couple are sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, “I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?”
Her husband whispers back, “Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
-
What the heck was she supposed to do about farting anyhow?!? lol
-
Rebuttal Etiquette (by a man)
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
Think I'll print this off and leave it my wifes pillow. That should get me a good nights sleep for a few days.
-
On the sofa?
Where else...? ;D
vinney
-
Maybe outside. She might change the locks on him. ;-)
-
Hmmm, does she have an affinity with Loreena Bobbit?
-
Dog House?
-
AGE DISCRIMINATION: WHY OLD MEN DON'T GET HIRED!
Job Interview:
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man : "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man : "I don't really give a fuck what you think."
-
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard,
had attempted to sue St Luke's Hospital, alleging that after her husband had surgery there, he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied ...
"Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."
-
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.
-
Q: Who makes more money… a hooker? or a drug dealer?
A: A hooker, because she can wash her crack and sell it again.
-
Vinney, hilarious! Thanks for the laughs.
-
There was a fly looking at some food in a river. The fly thought, "If I go down, I can get the food!"
There was a fish looking at the fly. The fish thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, I can get the fly!"
There was a bear looking at the fish. The bear thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, and that fish comes up to get the fly, I can get the fish!"
There was a man looking at the bear. The man thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, and the bear gets the fish, I can shoot the bear!"
There was a mouse looking at the man. The mouse thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, and the man shoots the bear, I can get the man's sandwich!"
There was a cat looking at the mouse. The cat thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, the man shoots the bear, and the mouse gets the sandwich, I can get the mouse!"
So the fly goes down to get the food. The fish comes up and gets the fly. The bear swipes his mighty paw and gets the fish. The man shoots the bear. The mouse runs for the man's sandwich. The cat lunges for the mouse, misses, and falls in the river.
What's the moral of the story?
When the fly goes down, the pussy gets wet.
Yeah ok if you think that's all it takes :emot_laughing:
-
Well Behaved Lady, loved that!
Beware, many zippers will now descend in your vicinity... ;-)
-
There was a fly looking at some food in a river. The fly thought, "If I go down, I can get the food!"
There was a fish looking at the fly. The fish thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, I can get the fly!"
There was a bear looking at the fish. The bear thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, and that fish comes up to get the fly, I can get the fish!"
There was a man looking at the bear. The man thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, and the bear gets the fish, I can shoot the bear!"
There was a mouse looking at the man. The mouse thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, and the man shoots the bear, I can get the man's sandwich!"
There was a cat looking at the mouse. The cat thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, the man shoots the bear, and the mouse gets the sandwich, I can get the mouse!"
So the fly goes down to get the food. The fish comes up and gets the fly. The bear swipes his mighty paw and gets the fish. The man shoots the bear. The mouse runs for the man's sandwich. The cat lunges for the mouse, misses, and falls in the river.
What's the moral of the story?
When the fly goes down, the pussy gets wet.
Yeah ok if you think that's all it takes :emot_laughing:
That, and you must look deep into my soulfull eyes ^-^
-
THAT was even funnier, Gomez. ;-)
-
Personal Ad
Single, sincere White female, 43
Wishes to meet single, sincere Limber Eskimo who's into tush tattoos, bananas, gargling Windex, Barry Manilow inflatable dolls, sleeping with large tomatoes and nude snake wrestling in Jell-O Pudding
No freaks
-
Personal Ad
Single, sincere White female, 43
Wishes to meet single, sincere Limber Eskimo who's into tush tattoos, bananas, gargling Windex, Barry Manilow inflatable dolls, sleeping with large tomatoes and nude snake wrestling in Jell-O Pudding
No freaks
I had difficulty in determining what was "freaky" about this ad,.....then I noticed it - "single" - no doubt a married Eskimo would have made the situation freaky... :roll: :roll:
-
Yesterday, my daughter again asked me why I didn't do something useful
> with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be
> her favorite topic of conversation.
>
>
>
> She said that she was "only thinking about me", and suggested that I
> go down to the senior center, and hang out with the other old guys. I
> did this.
>
>
>
> When I got home last night, I decided to teach her a lesson about
> staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute
> club.
>
>
>
> She said, "Are you nuts? You're 76 years old, and you're going to
> start jumping out of airplanes?"
>
>
>
> I proudly showed her that I even had a membership card. She looked at
> it and said, "Good grief Dad, where are your glasses! This is a
> membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
>
>
>
> I told her, "Then I'm in real trouble because I've signed up for five
> jumps a week. "
-
Prostitutes Club sounds A LOT better. -two thumbs up-
-
That'll teach her to mess with old folks!
-
Is Eskimo a code word for something?
-
You'd have ask the single 43 year old if it's a code word. lol
-
That almost sounds like an ad that would've been placed to Opus (think Bloom County from the other thread-where Opus was the Personals Desk editor).
Unsure if this one had made the rounds here...
Skiing-
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
-
Good ol' Dubya, lol!
-
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
-
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
Reminds me of a friends homecoming from Viet Nam in 66. He misses his wife very much, but has two young sons (8 & 6) to contend with. When he gets back to his quarters, he takes two rolls of nickels out and shows them to his sons. He breaks one open, palms the other, throws the loose nickels into the yard, and tells his sons not to come in until all the nickels are picked up. When he finishes upstairs, he comes back to the yard and sees how his sons are doing. They tell him they can't find them all, so he gives them each an extra dollar. I don't know if they ever figured out that they had got scammed.
-
Good stories, Well Behaved Lady and RHL!
-
Little Bobby... -shaking my head- lol
-
Little Johnny was sitting in his classroom when his teacher asks what sounds animals make.
First the teacher asks,"what sound does a cow make?" Susie raises her hand and says moo. "Good job Susie" says the teacher.
Then she asks what sound does a duck make? Billy raises his hand and says quack. Next the teacher asks what sound a pig makes.
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Get your black ass out the car, put your hands above your head, and spread your legs!"
-
WARNING - ADULT NASTY JOKES
Q: What is the leading cause in death with lesbians?
A: Hair balls.
Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive
Q: What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
A: Come in five flavors
Q: What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
A: Crust
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork
Q: How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
A: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing
Q: What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough
Boy together?
A: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection
Q: How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
A: By sticking your finger in his honey
Q: What is the ultimate rejection?
A: When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep
Q: What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
A: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.
Q: What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
A: Both can smell it but can't eat it
Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handle bars
Q: What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
A: A mobile sperm bank.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
A: All you can eat for under a buck.
Q: What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
A: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone
Q. What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A. A guy will take twenty minutes to look for a golf ball.
Q: How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an
orgasm?
A: Call her and tell her where you are.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.
Q: What's the difference between dark and hard?
A: It stays dark all night.
Q: What's the difference between a BONUS and a PENIS?
A: Your wife will blow your bonus.
Q: What's the difference between a wife and a job?
A: After 20 years, the job STILL sucks.
Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q: What is Rodeo Sex?
A: Well, it's where your wife is on all fours, you are firmly
ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you
say to her: "This is the way your sister likes it too."
You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.
Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks
in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.
Q: Why do married men like blowjobs so much?
A: 15 minutes of silence.
-
Janus, i'm surprised women don't picket your house. :P lol
-
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
-
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes---that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better?"
The woman said, "That would be o.k.," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be o.k. because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM, she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be o.k. because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM, she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a MILD heart attack."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever bitches. Don't screw with them.
-
A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:-
Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; 3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:
Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
-
And they say kids say the darnedest things... :P
-
A salesman came to my door to sell us a washing machine the other day. I was in the barn at the time and my wife answered the door so she said to him, "Go down to my
husband, he's just in the barn. He deals with all that malarky."
So he came down to the barn and said, "Hello sir, I'm calling round to see if you'd be interested in buying my washing machine."
I said to him, "I'm going to tell you a story:"
"You see that cow?", I said.
"Yes," He said.
"Yesterday, I went to milk that cow. When I put the bucket under her udder, she kicked me in the face with her left foot. So I tied her leg to a rope and tied the other end to that beam up there. I got back down again and she kicked me in the face with her other foot. So I tied a rope to her other leg and tied it to another beam up there.
"When I got back down again, she smacked me in the face with her shittied up tail. So I tied a rope to it and attached it to the beam above your head. I decided to have a quick pee before I started milking her and just as I was doing my zipper up, my wife walked in.
"Now, if you can convince my wife that I wasn't going to fuck that cow, I'll buy your bloody washing machine."
-
That'll be a hard sell. :P lol
-
"You cannot taste me, until You
undress me?"
-Banana.
"You cannot eat me unless You lick
me"
- Ice cream.
"You can not play with me unless You
blow me"
- Balloon.
"You can not enjoy me unless You
suck me"
- Lollypop.
"You make me wet & put me in
your mouth everyday"
- Toothbrush.
And the most killer one
"You can not enjoy me unless You
spread me"
- Butter
-
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?""Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.""That is correct," says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks."Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.""That's right," replies the doctor.
He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?""Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
-
A fine example of why I couldn't be an OBGYN. You would always pussy at it's worst.
-
Great jokes this morning.
-
First Day On The Job
A young guy from New Jersey moves to Florida and needs a job. So he goes to a big “everything under one roof” store looking for a sales job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah. I was a salesman back in New Jersey.” Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job and said to the kid “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid says, “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?” The kid says “$101,237.65.” The boss says “$101,237.65? What on earth did you sell?” The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.” “Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, So I told him he was going to need a boat. So we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft…. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Ford Expedition Truck.” The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK?!” The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’”
-
First Day On The Job
A young guy from New Jersey moves to Florida and needs a job. So he goes to a big “everything under one roof” store looking for a sales job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah. I was a salesman back in New Jersey.” Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job and said to the kid “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid says, “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?” The kid says “$101,237.65.” The boss says “$101,237.65? What on earth did you sell?” The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.” “Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, So I told him he was going to need a boat. So we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft…. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Ford Expedition Truck.” The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK?!” The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’”
Now that's a wholesome joke Becca... Good one... ;D
vinney
-
That was great, TD! Loved it!
-
I love my job ! I love my job ! I love my job ! This is even funnier when you realize it’s real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below… Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut. So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, ‘I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.’
-
One day on the beach there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with a newspaper and kept enjoying the sun . The girl came over to him and asked "What do you have under that newspaper, mister?"
"A birdy," the guy replied. The little girl walked off and played in the sand and the guy fell back asleep.
Next thing he knows he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, stomped on its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
-
Ouch!
-
Two men were out hunting when they saw a flash of white in the distance. As they continued down the trail they kept seeing the flash and soon they could see that it was a person running back and forth across the game trail, naked. As they got closer they saw that it was a very beautiful and pneumatic young woman. When they met up with her she stood facing them with her breasts heaving.
"Are you game?" they asked.
"Yes" she answered in a breathy voice.
So they shot her.
==================================================================
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws!
===================================================================
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
-
I love my job, too!
I've seen scenes of divers reparing things under water in lots of shark movies, i was envisioning something to do with a shark... ;-)
-
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it
under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for
something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and
asked,
'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up
under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs
to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She
isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your
dog wants to have sex!'
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I
always wanted a police dog.'
-
So THATS how you make a police dog! :P
-
A man went to his appointment with the urologist. In the examining room he
told the doctor, "Don't laugh!" "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In more than twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'Willie' the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control him self, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," the man replied.
-
Irish Medical Dictionary
Artery.... The study of paintings
Bacteria..............Back door to the cafeteria.
Barium...................What doctors do when patients die.
Benign..............What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section.......A neighbourhood in Rome.
Catscan.................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...............Made eye contact with her.
Colic......................A sheep dog.
Coma............A punctuation mark.
Dilate....................To live long.
Enema....................Not a friend.
Fester..........Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.....................A small lie.
Impotent................Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain..............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid..................A higher offer.
Nitrates...................Cheaper than day rates.
Node......................I knew it.
Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.
Pelvis...................... Irish Cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative...........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum...................Nearly killed him.
Secretion................Hiding something.
Seizure.....Roman emperor.
Tablet...................A small table.
Terminal Illness..........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour...................One plus one more.
Urine....................Opposite of you're out.
2 x Condoms.........To be sure, to be sure
-
UCLA Study
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed
up his ass while he is on fire.
Further studies are expected.
-
The password:
Freda Cohen, a female computer consultant, was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password for login.
Wanting to embarrass the lady, he told her to enter "PENIS."
Without blinking an eye or saying a word, Freda entered the password as he had requested.
But then, Freda nearly exploded from refrained laughter as the computer displayed the message in response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.
-
Professional relationship:
Joyce was with her doctor, Dr. Ginsberg.
Suddenly, she asked him “will you kiss me?”
“Certainly not” Dr. Ginsberg said. “We must preserve a distance in this sort of relationship.”
“Well,” Joyce said, “will you hold my hand?”
“Not even that,” Dr. Ginsberg said. “It’s important that we keep this on a non-emotional basis.”
“Will you tell me that you like me a lot?”
“Try to understand,” Dr. Ginsberg told Joyce, “I can’t kiss you, I can’t hold your hand, I can’t even tell you that I like you. Goodness me, we shouldn’t even be in bed together!”
-
Everything is bigger in Texas:
Tex Cohen lived in - you guessed it, Texas. One day, he bought a round of drinks for everyone in the pub because his wife Honeysuckle had just given birth to "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Everyone in the pub congratulated him and many told him that they found it hard to believe that his baby weighed in so heavy.
But Tex assured them, "It’s true, it’s really true."
When Tex came back to the same pub three weeks later, the barman said to him, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth aren’t you? So tell us, how much does your baby weigh now?"
Tex proudly replied, "Twelve pounds."
The barman could not understand this, so he asked Tex, "Why? Is he ill? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth, why has he lost so much weight?"
Tex took a big swig from his beer, wiped his lips with the back of his hand, leaned into the barman and proudly replied, "Had him circumcised."
-
Unusual Funeral
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
-
On the beach:
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely, before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
-
Some great contributions today... put me out of business you have... :emot_laughing:
vinney
-
Great medical jokes! And the killer dog, lol, i'll avoid him! :P
-
If the statements "love is blind" and "marriage is an institution" are true, that means....
that marriage is an institution for the blind, where the blind are leading the blind......
which also mean, that a divorced person is a formerly blind individual, who has had his vision restored.
Isn't logic a wonderful thing to play with?
-
A man goes to see the doctor to ask for three Viagra pills. The doctor says these are very powerful pills so I need to know why you need three. Well, the guy says my girlfriend is coming over Friday, my ex-wife on Saturday, and my new-wife is coming home on Saturday and I need these pills so I can satisfied them all. Well the doctor said ok on one condition, that you come in on Monday so I can check your vitals to make sure you are ok. The man agrees. So Monday comes and the man sees the doctor, but both arms are in slings. Oh my! What happened? The doctor asked. The man replied nobody showed up I was alone all weekend!
-
lol I think they all found out about each other. ;-)
-
THE HORTH WHITHPERER
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twot?'
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's bum, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'
-
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says, “What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother!
End of Story
P.S. The Robot is For Sale
-
Not a good day for midgets and fathers, lol
-
One night in a restaurant
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the
table but the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and
out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might
offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by
saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just
slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said,
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
"No, he didn't," she said nervously. "He just walked in the door."
-
Good one, TheciaMarie! The guy will be down there for a long while... ;-)
-
Good one, TheciaMarie! The guy will be down there for a long while... ;-)
If the lady is quick thinking, she will spill something on her husband. He will then have to go to the restroom to clean up, and the "gentleman caller" can slip away.
-
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'
'We use it for sex.'
The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'
-
Nice one wubbs.
-
A Jewish American Princess's husband was making love to his wife when suddenly, to his intense surprise, she wiggled and let out a short cry of delight.
"My God, honey!" he exclaimed. "What happened?"
"It's wonderful," she said.
"I finally decided that those curtains would look much better in peach."
=======================================================================
Moishe, tired of his wife Hette asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now Hette just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, Hette is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, Moishe comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, Hette fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" Hette asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," Moishe replies.
Hette stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.
Moishe shrugs. "It worked for your tush, didn't it?"
-
Well Behaved Lady, Janus, seriously FUNNY stuff there! Thanks!
-
A newly married man was standing in front of a mirror naked and was admiring his physique.
'2 inches more & I will be a king.'
Suddenly the wife comes in and says,'2 inches less and you will be a queen!
-
Three 6th graders -
an Italian, a Greek, and Moishe, are in the playground when Paulo suggests that they play a new game. "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says.
Paulo pulls down his zipper and takes it out.
"That's nothing," says Andreas and takes his out. His is a couple of inches longer.
Not to be outdone, Moishe whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. Paola and Andreas are stunned. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, during dinner, Moishe’s mother asks him what he did at school that day. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a maths test and read out loud from a new book...and during our lunch hour, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis."
"What kind of game is that, darling?" says the mother.
"Well, me, Paulo and Andreas each pulled out our penises and I had the biggest. They said it must be that big because I'm Jewish. Is that true, Mum?"
The mother replies: "No, dip shit. It's because you're twenty-three years old."
-
Computer Tech Support
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A black one...
==================
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my disc out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the release button?
Customer: Yes, sure; the tray comes out but there's nothing in it.
Tech support: Does disc content show up on your screen?
Customer: ...Oh! ...wait a minute.....
I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me!
I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha,
I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer.'
I've even lifted the printer over and placed it in front of
the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the carnival.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer..
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk to the other side of the room.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here.
Ah...that one does work.
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple,
a capital letter V as in Victor, and the numbers 7274.
Customer: Is the 7274 in capital letters?
== =============
Customer: I can't open Yahoo calendar.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Yes... five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Hotmail.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program..
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem.
A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer,
but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: ....Who the hell transferred this call to me???
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address,
but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk
with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that's a good point.
The guy sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window
and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control
and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now hit the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
-
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
-
Computer Tech Support
Best few laughs I've had today... fantastic Katie... no... I mean fantastic jokes... WOO
vinney
and PS... Katie you are fantastic really...
-
Gravity, Katie, "Well Behaved" Lady, i can't stop laughing! :P Great job!
-
Computer Tech Support
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A black one...
==================
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my disc out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the release button?
Customer: Yes, sure; the tray comes out but there's nothing in it.
Tech support: Does disc content show up on your screen?
Customer: ...Oh! ...wait a minute.....
I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me!
I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha,
I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer.'
I've even lifted the printer over and placed it in front of
the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the carnival.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer..
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk to the other side of the room.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here.
Ah...that one does work.
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple,
a capital letter V as in Victor, and the numbers 7274.
Customer: Is the 7274 in capital letters?
== =============
Customer: I can't open Yahoo calendar.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Yes... five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Hotmail.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program..
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem.
A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer,
but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: ....Who the hell transferred this call to me???
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address,
but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk
with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that's a good point.
The guy sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window
and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control
and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now hit the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
I don't work in IT however my wife believes I do. And I think I have heard most of those at one time or another when she calls me at work to figure out how to get the computer to work...
A very good selection of comments
-
Sumbitch.... A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that it's Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies."
-
You should write a book! lol
-
A woman in a coma was receiving a sponge bath from the nurses. While washing the lady's private area, they both noticed that the heart monitor and brain monitor jumped. To make sure it wasn't a coincidence they tried again and both machines jumped again. Quickly one nurse ran out to the lady’s husband and said "Sir, I know this sounds unorthodox, but we believe that some oral sex will help you wife to come out of the coma"
"Really?" replied the perplexed husband
"Yes, and don't worry we will give you your privacy, follow me"
The nurse led the man to his wife’s bed, and closed the door behind her when she left. A few minutes later the emergency button flashed that the lady's monitor had flat lined. She ran into the room where the woman lay dead.
"What happened??!!" Screamed the nurse hysterically
The husband replied nonchalantly "I think she choked"
-
A woman in a coma was receiving a sponge bath from the nurses. While washing the lady's private area, they both noticed that the heart monitor and brain monitor jumped. To make sure it wasn't a coincidence they tried again and both machines jumped again. Quickly one nurse ran out to the lady’s husband and said "Sir, I know this sounds unorthodox, but we believe that some oral sex will help you wife to come out of the coma"
"Really?" replied the perplexed husband
"Yes, and don't worry we will give you your privacy, follow me"
The nurse led the man to his wife’s bed, and closed the door behind her when she left. A few minutes later the emergency button flashed that the lady's monitor had flat lined. She ran into the room where the woman lay dead.
"What happened??!!" Screamed the nurse hysterically
The husband replied nonchalantly "I think she choked"
I know a woman who as a young naive trainee nurse was coerced into giving a patient a wank while giving him a bed bath :emot_laughing: I only wish I could remember the full details to share it.
-
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
-
:emot_laughing:
-
(http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/originals/dd/2f/3e/dd2f3e7e43a10c5b52d66d6cbd65b91b.jpg)
-
A visit to the doctor:
Peter goes to see his doctor. "So how can I help you?" asks his doctor.
"Wwwwell aas you nnnnknow, dddddoctor," Peter replies, "I've bbbeen a ssstttutterer ffor yyears and I'm fffed uhuhup wwwith iiit. Ccccan yyyou pppplease hehehelp mmme?"
After examining him, the doctor says, "Well, Peter, I'm fairly convinced that I know what your problem is, but you won’t like what I’m going to tell you. It's your penis that’s causing you your stuttering. It's 14” long and its weight is pressing down too hard and putting too much of a strain on your vocal cords."
The doctor continues, "If you want, I can cut off your current oversized penis and transplant an average sized one in its place. This type of operation nearly always works to cure stuttering. And as a by-product, I can preserve your original penis in a jar for observation and research and this will allow me to operate for free. What do you think? Is it a deal?"
Peter replies, "Dddo it, ddddoctor."
3 months later, Peter returns to see his doctor for a progress check. "Thanks doctor," Peter says, "You've sorted me out at last – I’m no longer stuttering. But I now have a new problem. I've only made love to my wife a handful of times in the past 6 weeks. She doesn't enjoy lovemaking any more because I’m unable to satisfy her in the way I used to. She liked my long penis and wants you to put it back. She doesn’t care if I have to stutter again. So can you do it?"
The doctor replies, "Nnnno I ccccan’t, PPPPetttter, a ddddeal is a ddddeal."
-
I'm not surprised, you can't trust some of those doctors.
Just like lawyers...lol
-
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
-
Hey, is this Sex Ed class? lol
-
As soon as Moses is given the Ten Commandments by God on the top of Mount Sinai, he immediately takes them down to show his people. After much discussion with his elders, Moses is asked to go back up Mount Sinai to ask God for clarification of an important issue. So although tired, Moses once again makes the long and hard trek to the top of Mount Sinai. And there, by the burning bush, he kneels and prays to God.
"Oh Mighty God, King of the Universe," prays Moses, "your people have asked me to raise a very important question with you relating to the Ten Commandments."
"And what is this important question that my people ask of me?" asks God.
"Oh mighty God," replies Moses, "they have instructed me to ask you whether the Ten Commandments are listed in priority sequence."
-
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
Suddenly, one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard a reply, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Then he tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The puzzled Irishman asked the remaining Indian, "Is he crazy?"
The Indian replied, "No, it's our custom during the mating season when Indian man see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us."
Just then, they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answer, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third very large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he thought to himself, "Look at the size of this cave! It's way bigger than the Indians found. There may be a really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
Scroll Down
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
The following day, the headlines of a local newspaper read.....
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!
-
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity, looking up and down, measuring the distance, figuring out the wind direction and speed.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Why don't you hit the blasted ball."
The golfer answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, so I want to make this a perfect shot."
His partner replied, "Forget it, man. You don't stand a chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
-
Vinney, great jokes, man!
-
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor."
She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem."
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!"
-
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.""Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. "I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid!
He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
-
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nudist beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had bigger boobs than his mother, so he asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean, but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger units than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks to her, the dumber he gets."
-
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day while in bed with her boyfriend, she hears her husband's car pull into the driveway.
She yells at the boyfriend, "Quick! Grab your clothes and jump out of the window. My husband has arrived home early!"
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "It's raining like hell out there!"
She said, "If my husband finds you here, he'll kill us both!"
So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out of the window naked.
A group of Marathon runners were just passing, so he decides to run along with them, carrying his clothes on his arm.
Curious, one of the runners asked him, "Do you always run with no clothes on?"
Gasping for air, he answered, "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin."
Another runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
Now breathlessly, the nude man replied, "Oh yes. That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
The nude man replied, "Only when it's raining!"
-
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men who immediately fell to the ground, clasped his hands together at his crotch, rolling around in total agony.
The woman rushed over to the man and began to apologize. She explained that she was a Physio Therapist: "Please allow me to help, I'm a Physio Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nooo, I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, so he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants, then put her hands inside. She began to massage his crotch and asked him: "How does that feel?"
To which he replied: "Feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
-
Loved it Lippy...I reckon mom was practicing her "right" to sexual satisfaction, lol.
Vinney my love, why you think I like running so much. :emot_kiss:
Thanks for the laughs y'all.
-
A young boy in bath with his mum asks: "What's that hairy thing?
Mum says:"That's my sponge.
The says: "Oh yeah, babysitters got one too. I have seen her washing Dads face with it."
===========================================================
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"? (http://jokes4all.net/girl,sexy.gif)
-
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.
"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
-
Ouch! lol
-
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
-
I have no idea why the third man dropped her. A good slut is a terrible thing to waste.
-
I have no idea why the third man dropped her. A good slut is a terrible thing to waste.
AMEN to that. Woo
-
I've never particularly wanted a girl that has "been around the block". Down the street a house or two is a different matter.
-
Hey, Katie, would you catch Janus? ;-)
-
Hey, Katie, would you catch Janus? ;-)
Please Katie, tell him yes..... :emot_kiss:
-
Well, to be consistent, yes.
-
Well, to be consistent, yes.
(http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/x/hiding-smile-emoticon-22051395.jpg)
-
You've caught Janus before???
-
Yes. But with medical help it got better.
-
You've caught Janus before???
Treatment for Janus came up in Pharmacology class yesterday.
-
Good one, Gomez! Glad there's treatment. Is it painful? :P
-
Only for Janus.
-
Ouch! lol
-
Only for Janus.
Great....I at least hope it will be you that administers the "Treatment".
-
If it's a needle, Katie will find the BIGGEST one she can find.
Hopefully it's not shock treatment. Isn't that illegal now???
-
Actually shock therapy is making a steady comeback. It isn't illegal in my State at all.
-
Actually shock therapy is making a steady comeback. It isn't illegal in my State at all.
speaking from personal experience there? Feeling a little frazzled?
-
Actually shock therapy is making a steady comeback. It isn't illegal in my State at all.
speaking from personal experience there? Feeling a little frazzled?
Just woke. Heading out now......Ugh
-
Ahhh, more gender-bashing. lol
-
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.
The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."
The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.
"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"
"No, Madam," said the maid. "Not your husband ... the mail man!"
-
Ouch!
Of course you know this was followed by a catfight. ;-)
-
Ouch!
Of course you know this was followed by a catfight. ;-)
I was hoping a Pillow fight....hahaha
-
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the beverage fostered some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Soon thereafter, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women usually maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a kick in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive reasoning, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." Case closed.
It is time for another beer.
-
Jim and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed
the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Jim didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about
it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after
Jim hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got
worried. However, since the only time they ever got together
was at the park, Bob didn't know where Jim lived, so he
was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last
of Jim, but one day Bob approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Jim!
Bob was very excited and happy to
see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Jim, what in the world happened to you?'
Jim replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Jim said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress
at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her..... What about her?
'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she
filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so
proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
--
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. Lord Byron
-
lol That judge sucked [No, Janus, not THAT way..]! He'd have to take the stand for it to be perjury. :P
-
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
-
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, drinking shot after shot of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
Lou turns, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! The guy that ran off with my wife is!"
-
lol Ahhh, a celebratory drinking binge!
-
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...' At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.' At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'
-
A woman is in labour, shouting and screaming as usual. She says to the doctors " ... get this out of me, give me drugs!"
She turns to her boyfriend and says " You did this to me you fucker..."
He replies casually, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said 'fuck off it'll be too painful', Now who's laughing..."
-
Janus, i'm so sorry you're son ratted you out. ;-)
The second one was just cruel. :P
-
Janus, i'm so sorry you're son ratted you out. ;-)
The second one was just cruel. :P
Hahahahaha...Nice one GG.
-
Do you think little will be like daddy when he grows up? ;-)
-
Do you think little will be like daddy when he grows up? ;-)
Truthfully?
NO I certainly hope not.
-
An Alter boy walks into confession and says, 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a... slutty girl.'
The priest leans forward and asks, 'Is that you, Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And exactly who was this girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father... I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Gina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I can't tell you.'
'Was it Maria Miriano?'
'My lips are sealed Father.'
'Come on boy, was it Rosa DiAngelo?'
'Really Father, I just can't tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go say twenty Hail Marys and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco leans over, and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
Joey smiles and says, 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads!'
-
WAY TO GO, JOE - Y!!! :P
-
Janus, i'm so sorry you're son ratted you out. ;-)
The second one was just cruel. :P
butt accurate
-
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
:emot_laughing: this is funny as fuck to me even if no one else thinks so
-
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard,
had attempted to sue St Luke's Hospital, alleging that after her husband had surgery there, he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied ...
"Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."
-
When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for your recipes, just smile and think of this:
A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked around her family dairy farm since she was old enough to walk,
with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940’s, she read an advertisement
offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with “Carnation Milk is best of all…”
She said, “I know all about milk and dairy farms…I can do this!”
She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house… a man got out and said, “Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1,000, even though we will not be able to use it….”
Here is her entry:
“Carnation milk is best of all,
no tits to pull, no hay to haul,
no buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch.”
-
What did the skanky girl's mother say to her when she went out?
“If you're not in bed by eleven o'clock, come home.”
=====================================================================
On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night. He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johhny a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either.
The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. “What's wrong?” asked Johnny. “Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery -- we had my little girl's funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night.”
-
Is this a true story, J-man? lol
-
What did the skanky girl's mother say to her when she went out?
“If you're not in bed by eleven o'clock, come home.”
=====================================================================
On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night. He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johhny a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either.
The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. “What's wrong?” asked Johnny. “Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery -- we had my little girl's funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night.”
Why do I totally believe you on this one Janus....????????
-
Why do I totally believe you on this one Janus....????????
Hey, she didn't say no....You know that is the safe word. Remember? :emot_kiss:
-
The Blonde Mortician
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
-
:emot_laughing:
Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
-
I read the head switching in an Urban Legends book, though it was a regular old dude mortician in that story.
-
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, A resounding noise came form outside...
The woman, sort of bewildered, Jumps up from the bed and yells at the man
"Shit!, that must be my husband!"
So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, Smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, Then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.
Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman
"I'm your husband, you slut!!!"
So the woman answers:-
"Oh, yeah?!! And why were you running?!! You son of a bitch!!!"
-
This will go great in divorce court, lol
-
A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond
man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
A woman phoned her blond neighbour man and said: "Close your curtains the
next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and
laughing at you yesterday." To which the man replied: "Well the joke's on
all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the
shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry
hair, and I've just wet mine."
A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy,"
he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to
me." The blond man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her
husband!"
A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly, he has to swerve
to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he
tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your
air freshener swinging about!"
A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't
you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still
missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he
replies.
A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says
the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
-
What's the difference between a Blonde and a guy?
The Blonde has the higher sperm count.
-
Ok.. This hit my mailbox so had to share.
Unsure if this would be a joke, or more just words of wisdom :)
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered... is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
In the end, Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now... what is the moral to this story?
The moral is...
If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly :)
-
But you don't want a spoiled brat either, female OR male. :P
-
But you don't want a spoiled brat either, female OR male. :P
If you don't stop saying these horrid things, GG, I'm going to hold my breath.
Or maybe I'll just make you hold yours.
;)
-
Not wanting people spoiled is not a horrid thing. Can you imagine going to the store with your significant other and he/she sees a hot outfit and says
"Oooo, i want that! Buy it for me!"
and you reply
"I'm sorry, i can't afford it."
They scream
"I WANT IT! I WANT IT NOW!!!!"
and throw a tempter tantrum right there in the store, everyone is staring at the both of you.
Now, Katie, would you want that to happen to you? ;-)
-
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.
Finally, she said "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Camp, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Marvin sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right; is the captain a woman? I think I better have a whiskey and water." When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you correctly? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant. "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Marvin, "I'd better have two whiskeys and water. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the attendant.
"We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."
-
No. But I throw a wonderous tantrum! :D
-
All right, you can have the outfit. I'll just sell my soul to the Devil to get it for you... -rolls eyes- lol
-
Let's say i had a rooster and you had a donkey, okay?
Now, let's your donkey ate my rooster, got it?
You do realize my cock would be in your ass?
;-)
-
GG, Now that is an interesting proposal.
-
But it wasn't for you, sorry about that, bud. ;-)
-
Taken from 14 things all Texans have said at least once...
Q: What is the last thing a Texan says before he dies?
A: Hold my beer and watch this...
http://yestotexas.com/14-things-all-texans-have-said-at-least-once/
-
(http://i.imgur.com/FIF1Elf.jpg) (http://imgur.com/FIF1Elf)
-
Dear wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me oryou don't love me anymore; whatever! the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & ; I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.
I hope that's not a problem.
-
Good one Becca... very good... starts the day off well... :emot_laughing:
vinney
-
She has a lousy lawyer. Nothing in the letter shows he ever cheated during the marriage [though he was, just never said it in the letter] and him saying he left with Carla was AFTER she won the Lottery. A good lawyer will get him his share after 7 years of marriage to that woman.
But what do i know, i'm not a lawyer. I just know i hate these gender-bashing jokes [plus i'm still pissed about what i posted in the Politics Forum].
Oh, and telling him her sister was born a man, so? If she was ugly or a crossdresser, he have noticed. :P lol
-
Best Defense Mr. Marcus was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Mr. Marcus, "You are to confer with the defendant in the conference room, and give him the best legal advice you can." After a time, Mr. Marcus re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Mr. Marcus replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to make a run for it."
-
Not a very good lawyer. lol
-
She has a lousy lawyer. Nothing in the letter shows he ever cheated during the marriage [though he was, just never said it in the letter] and him saying he left with Carla was AFTER she won the Lottery. A good lawyer will get him his share after 7 years of marriage to that woman.
But what do i know, i'm not a lawyer. I just know i hate these gender-bashing jokes [plus i'm still pissed about what i posted in the Politics Forum].
Oh, and telling him her sister was born a man, so? If she was ugly or a crossdresser, he have noticed. :P lol
Did you happen to notice that the board is titled FUN....guess not.
-
Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."
What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO ?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
What do you call a man who lost 95% of his brainpower ?
A widower
Did you hear about the woman who finally figured men out ?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
What do you get when four men go fishing and
one comes back after having caught nothing ?
"Three Men And A Baby"
What's a man view of safe sex ?
A padded headboard.
What do you call an intelligent man in America ?
A tourist.
What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised ?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball ?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle ?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
Moms have Mother's Day, Fathers have Father's Day.
What do Single guys have? Palm Sunday.
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs ?
Because their balls fall over their arsehole and they vapour-lock.
The three words most hated by men during sex ?
"Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
Three words women hate to hear when having sex ?
"Honey, I'm home!"
What should you give a man who has everything ?
Penicillin.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying ?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What is the thickest book in the world ?
"What Men Think They Know About Women"
What is the difference between a man and childbirth ?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable
while the other is just having a baby
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 50,000 miles, whichever came first.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, men will screw anything.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
What are a woman's four favourite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage,
a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you.
Why do men fall asleep immediately after having sex ?
So women can masturbate and finish the job off properly!
Behind every great man is a great woman...
and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass!
Did you hear the Viagra now comes in a nasal spray ?
It’s for dickhead.
why do men always pay more for car insurance ?
Women don't get blowjobs while they're behind the wheel.
A friend of mine used alcohol as a substitute for women.
You know what happened ?He got his penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end...
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them
Why don't men wear tight underwear ?
It cuts off circulation to the brain.
What’s the definition of a bastard?
A man who bonks you all night with a 2-inch penis,
then kisses you good-bye with a 12-inch tongue.
-
You're on top form today sugar...
vinney
-
(http://i.imgur.com/bDAtQerl.jpg?1) (http://imgur.com/bDAtQer)
-
3 old prostitutes sitting in the pub talking about how hard times are now there's a lot of immigrant girls doing it for half price.
The first one say's, "Last night I had to let a bloke f**k me over a bench in the park for a fiver so I could get food for the kids breakfast."
The second one said, "Yesterday I had to take it up the a$$ for a fiver on the river bank so I could buy food for the kids tea"!!
The 3rd one is sitting there saying nothing, the other 2 ask how things have been for her?
She replied, "Last night I had to give a guy a BJ for nothing.....just so I had a hot drink before I went to bed"!!
-
Barack Obama is looking out of the window of the
oval office and he notices that someone has
urinated the message, 'Obama SUCKS!' on a wall
outside the White House. Furious, he orders the
FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from
every member of the White House staff and to find
the culprit immediately.
A week later, the FBI director calls. 'Mr.
President, I have good news and bad news,' he
says. 'The good news is that the urine belongs to
Rand Paul.'
'And the bad news?' Obama demands.
After a slight pause, the director replies, 'Sir,
the handwriting belongs to your wife!'
-
lol THAT was hilarious!!!! Thanks!
-
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
-
A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour,
"What's the camel for?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."
The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant,
"Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
-
Who is Jack Schitt? The Lineage Revealed.
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
-
Thank you, TD! I can't stop laughing :P
-
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty five years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty five years.
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty five?" And God agreed that it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,
the forty five the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty five, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty five years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on my front porch.
-
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"
-
Gotta love stupid alien jokes! lol
-
(http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/av0ORKE_700b.jpg)
-
(http://s24.postimg.org/p11luwzol/IMG_121126765590575.jpg) (http://postimage.org/)
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
vinney
-
(http://s24.postimg.org/p11luwzol/IMG_121126765590575.jpg) (http://postimage.org/)
evidently they like 20 min. eggs ;D
-
(http://s24.postimg.org/p11luwzol/IMG_121126765590575.jpg) (http://postimage.org/)
evidently they like 20 min. eggs ;D
Hard boiled then...
vinney
-
With a very seductive voice the wife asks her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband.
She gives him a sexy smile, unbuttons her blouse, and reaches down into the cleavage and pulls out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He takes the Twenty Dollar bill and smiles approvingly.
She then asks him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh.......no, I haven't," he said.
She gives him a sexy smile, pulls up her skirt and reaches into her panties and pulls out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He takes the Fifty Dollar and starts to breath a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she says, "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!!" he says while obviously becoming even more aroused.
She replies, "Go look in the garage,..."
-
Ouch! ;-)
-
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with
her sex life.
The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a
clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked,
"Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and
he said,
"Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me,
you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that
seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at me."
-
That explains it VERY well, lol ;-)
-
Harry was sick and tired of being constantly badgered by his wife Barbara for spending so much time at the bar. Hoping it would help matters, Harry invited Barbara along with him.
“So what would you like?” Harry cordially asked, as she took her seat next to him. “Oh I don’t know” Barbara replied, “I guess I’ll take the same thing as you.”
“OK” said Harry to the bartender, “we’ll take two Johnny Walker’s on the rocks!”
Barbara barely took a sip of the drink before she started gagging “Oh my gosh! Get me a cup of water! This stuff is horrible! How do you drink this garbage?”
“See?” said Harry “and you think I come here just to have a good time?!“…
-
One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
-
It's nice to know she understood the pastor. ;-)
-
This old bloke goes into an old folks home because he keeps falling over and his son can"t keep his eye on him all the time.
On his first day in the home, a female nurse comes along to give him a wash and she notices he has a slight erection. With that, she gives him a blow job.He gets straight on the phone to his son, telling him that he just got a gobble and what a wonderful place it was.
The following, day he"s walking down a corridor and he falls over -suddenly, from behind, a male nurse gives him one up the arse. He gets straight on the phone to his son again and says "get me out of here, a male nurse just banged me up the arse."
His son says, "look, dad, so you took one up the arse - you got a blow job yesterday, you have to take the rough with the smooth."
The old bloke says, "fuck off, I get a hard on three times a year but I fall over three times a fucking day."
-
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.
I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”
Never going back to that doctor again……….. never.
-
lol FUN - NY!
-
A young couple just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed the husband who was a big bully bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said,
"Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants!" she said.
"That's right!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said,
"Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his knee cap. He said,
"Hell, I can't get into your pants!"
She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"
-
Good jokes this morning.
-
Old Woman Fights Back
An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, bends over, and lets out a most foul-smelling fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
-
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferrari's and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
-
I didn't know brocolli farts smelled that bad, lol
Funny mistress joke, too.
-
Peeing in Her Garden
A lady walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop."Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK.
Good luck ! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
-
Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, ''Surely you can't be ready for more already?"
Sharon replies, ''No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine.''
Denise was a prostitute, but she didn't want anyone to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a hotel, and Denise was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Denise's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, ''Why are you standing in line here, dear?''
Not willing to her grandmother know the truth, Denise told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,'' and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,
''Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?''
Grandma replied, ''Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
-
Found these this morning. Can't take credit for them but I hope they put a smile on your face.
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I decided to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Fuck it, soldier on!";
I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.";
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
-
lol These are the kind of jokes we shouldn't laugh about but can't help ourselves. ;-) Thanks for sharing, buddy!
-
Great jokes today especially the one...
"I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex."
Reminds me of home...
vinney
-
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is a bunch of crap. There is nothing you could say that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She smiled and said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
-
Of course, she's never seen his friends' cocks, she made that up.
Sure. ;-)
-
Here was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand. A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world." The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."
-
God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while
southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a
continent of white people, and over there is a Continent of black
people.
Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area
and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are
beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and
plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome,
modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the
world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving,
and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of
peace, and producers of software."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what
about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots
I put there."
-
An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, Where are you going?' He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.' She says, 'Why, are you sick?' He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.' Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, 'Where the heck are you going'? She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.' He says, 'Why, what do you need?' She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'
-
So true, TD.
Licks - hope that isn't me when I get that age. 8) 8)
-
Do you rust? :emot_weird:
-
Hilarious stuff today, thank you, ladies!
-
Do you rust? :emot_weird:
So true, TD.
Licks - hope that isn't me when I get that age. 8) 8)
Only if you get it wet. ;)
-
So, that's the reason watcher uses a condom?
-
Do you rust? :emot_weird:
Brass doesn't rust.....
-
God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while
southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a
continent of white people, and over there is a Continent of black
people.
Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area
and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are
beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and
plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome,
modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the
world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving,
and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of
peace, and producers of software."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what
about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots
I put there."
Since I live in WA state I can agree with most of the comments as long as they are limited to the Eastern Side of the State :emot_laughing: But definitely a contrast to "The Beltway" even if Western WA is included!
-
I guess you included Seatac in that?
-
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a
very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to
take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the
table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and
climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks
what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies
have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be
more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to
locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and
quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the
right and sees six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?
The nurse responds, " They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have
Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."
-
Big woo TD...Now that is perfectly timed and hilarious too.
-
NOW THAT brought a smile to my face...another one to share!
-
TD, you are one bad girl, lol!
-
I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing happened one
day.
The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and
asked us how many positions did we know.
I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over
said,
"Twelve."
The professor nodded approval, but as he got ready to call on another hand
there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150-seat auditorium,
"A hundred and one."
The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out who
had spoken.
Finally, he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me.
At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer.
Finally, she said,
"Only one sir."
And the professor said,
"Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"
"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.
And from the back of the room came that same voice,
"A hundred and two!"
-
Dang. I have 99 more positions to try.
-
Watcher, times a wasting, you better get on it while you are still limber!
-
Watcher, times a wasting, you better get on it while you are still limber!
Really. I'd settle for just two or three different positions from the ones I already have done.
-
Suspend congress?
-
Yep, Daddy's back in the house!
Welcome home sugar, I sure did miss you what with all the foolishness that's been going on.
-
How to get to Heaven from Ireland :
A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven
'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into to to heaven?
Again, the answer was 'NO!'
'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'NO!'
I was just bursting with pride for them. I
continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD..'
It's a curious race, the Irish.
Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
-
The Irish a curious race? That is putting it mildly.
-
Some Italian jokes in honor of Columbus Day
Q: What is a four-letter word in Italian for goodbye?
A: "BANG"!
Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
A: He pasta way.
Q: What's a sure-fire way to know you are Italian?
A: You are 5'4", can bench 350 lbs, and you still cry when your mother scolds you.
Q: What do you call an Italian with his hands in his pockets?
A: Mute.
Q. Why are most Italian men named Tony?
A. When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads.
Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
-
The Irish a curious race? That is putting it mildly.
How would you describe them? :D
-
The Irish a curious race? That is putting it mildly.
How would you describe them? :D
Ladies are tough, but cute. Tougher than their men.
-
The Irish a curious race? That is putting it mildly.
How would you describe them? :D
Ladies are tough, but cute. Tougher than their men.
Now that did make me laugh :emot_laughing:
-
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses €500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost €500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Well you just go and tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
-
An Irishman and a Scotsman were arguing and one called the other a barbarian. To which the Scotsman replied, "We scots were serving a civilized king while you lot were still painting yourselves blue!"
To which the Irishman retorted, "And since when have the English been civilized?"
-
An old Scots saying, " Anyone who hates the English can nae be all bad."
-
lol Great jokes everybody! Thanks for all the laughs!
-
How would you describe them?
Ladies are tough, but cute. Tougher than their men.
Now that did make me laugh :emot_laughing:
Glad I could make you laugh, WBL. What it is all about. But those Irish jokes. They are not jokes -they are the truth. 8)
-
The Irish a curious race? That is putting it mildly.
How would you describe them? :D
Ladies are tough, but cute. Tougher than their men.
Nice save
-
Couple of years ago I was at a gathering of the local shooting club. Sitting next to me was a Welsh friend of mine Ray, across the table was a fellow from Ireland. As we were all having a few drinks, the two began discussing who could drink more, the Welsh or the Irish.
As the conversation started to become heated, I decided it would be best it I stepped in.
"Ray" I said, "I've never heard of Welsh Whiskey"
-
We haven't Irish people here... But there are estonish ones
Two estonish guys are fishing. Suddenly one of them pulls the fishing rod and and fishes pretty mermaid.
He looks her round with attention and throws her away to the water.
10 minutes ago other estonian asks: - Why?
Some minutes later first one answers: - But where?
-
Good one, Gomez. Being Irish myself, the things that are joked about is true [though i don't drink myself], especially the Irish temper [definitely me there, lol].
-
GG you don't strike me as a person that has a foul temper at all. Now I am a bit Irish and as most of you know my temper has gotten the better of me at times.
I am mostly German and Scot....
GG have you got any German in you?
-
How are you doing?
A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.
Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.
The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.
The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.
The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.
Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.
The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.
Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.
The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer.
"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back.
-
A group of chaps, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant because the waitresses
there were gorgeous, with tight skirts, perky breasts and nice bums.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the food and
service was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant because they could dine
in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant because the restaurant
was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
10 years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant,
because they had never been there before and heard it was quite
good !!!!!!!!!!
-
Thanks, TD. I have been to three of those mentioned. Now I know what I have to look forward to. But at least the girls are still perky. :emot_kiss:
-
An 'OLD Guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the new Urologist is a very pretty female doctor
.
The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, " 99."
The old guy obeys and says, "99."
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99.'
Again, the old guy says, '99.'
The doctor said, “Very goodâ€.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say,
'99'
The old guy begins,
"One...
two…
three…"
You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!
-
You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!
I started to think this was another "old person" joke but found out how true those last words are that you wrote. WOO Marie!
-
A man is walking past a tall wooden fence and he hears a voice saying "13 13 13 13".
Curious, he looks through a knothole in the fence. Suddenly he is poke in the eye. As he stumbles away, holding his injured eye, he hears "14 14 14".
-
Great jokes, guys and ladies, thanks!
Hey, Janus, you've never seen my Irish temper because i've rarely lost it on her. I was pissed off at one guy on her years ago and told him off in 1408, forgot his name, though i remember he had many.
-
Not intending to be sexist...just the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.... :-*
MALE V FEMALE AT THE ATM
A new sign in the Bank reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their
accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1... Drive up to the ATM.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off..
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(Unfortunately, most of this is true.!!)
1. Drive up to ATM machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN ..
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to ATM machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.
27. Release Hand Brake.
-
I'd agree if it would be named "Bimbo procedure"...
-
I'd agree if it would be named "Bimbo procedure"...
My partner made a much stronger comment........the sign language of which is an extended middle finger...lol..no sense of humour
-
Least it wasn't another blonde joke. 8)
-
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick
one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
' Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
'May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy
there?'
' Yes .'
'May I talk with her?'
Again the small voice whispered, ' No .'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,
'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman '.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy ', whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the
earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,
' The search team just landed a helicopter .'
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they
searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... ' ME .'
-
It's little Johnny again. Brat. ;-)
-
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed
to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed
pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family
grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side..
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,
and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ....
'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew:
'Bastards won't let me fart.'
-
I should've known. My father always leaned to the left when he was about to fart. In our direction. ;-)
-
Stole from facebook post...
4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom.
The three others talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company
at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder,
became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of
the line Mercedes for Christmas.
The second guy said, "damn, that's terrific! my son is also the
pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to
become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets.
He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift!
The third man said. "well that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company
and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive Christmas gift to
his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion!
The 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the
restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for? One of the three guys
said, "we're talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...
what about your son?" they asked the 4th guy. The fourth man replied, "my son
is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three
friends said, "that's a shame...what a disappointment. The fourth man replied.
"nah, I'm not ashamed hes my son and I love him..and he hasn't done too badly
either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot
mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends...
;D
-
lol That was HILARIOUS! I never saw it coming. ;-)
-
lol That was HILARIOUS! I never saw it coming. ;-)
A southern gentleman and a Yankee met in a bar while both were on business trips. As the night wore on, both needed to use the facilities. When the southerner left the restroom, he walked out without washing his hands.
Not long after rejoining his new found friend at the bar the Yankee commented"
"I know this is none of my business, but at home we teach our children to wash their hands after using the restroom."
The southerner replied "well that fine if that's how y'all want to do it, but we just teach our kids not to piss on their hands."
-
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sh#t, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
-
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sh#t, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
:emot_laughing:
-
Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking
about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.
I said to her:'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally
dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that
state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping
me alive, I'd much rather die'.
Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration
towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish,
the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and
then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!
....I ALMOST DIED!!!
-
Joe says to Paddy,
"Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are getting intimate.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.
" Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
-
True story: I was walking my dog the other day. One of the little neighbor girls asked me, "Why does he pee every ten feet?" I replied, "That's Facebook for dogs."
-
She's getting a good deal. I'd've charged her $150. ;-)
-
On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room.
Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself.
Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his manhood. His wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied, "If you're going as a sour-puss, I'm going as a dictator."
-
Great Halloween joke, Well Behaved Lady!
-
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up..
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with seniors!
-
:emot_laughing:
-
Hey, Toe, is it true that this is a true story? I was told you're the lawyer and Watcher is the old man. Watcher's not that old though. :P
-
Jewish Sex
No matter what Isaac the husband did in bed; his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as! they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!'
-
A family is driving in their car on holidays.
A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race." The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"
-
Q: What does a Steelers fan do when his team wins the Super Bowl?
A: Puts the controller down and goes to bed.
Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
A: Virgin Mobile
-
Vinney, Gomez, hilarious jokes!!!
-
Condoms don't protect you during sex....
I had a friend that was having sex while wearing a condom, and the woman's husband shot him anyway.
-
A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE....
She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go
out and catch my
own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile,
'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the
young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature
and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead 'gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the
'gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ......
"Son-of-a-bitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"
-
lol That Blonde was hilarious! Loved your condom joke as well, RF.
-
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BYQ5jvzCIAEwOXN.jpg)
-
>>
>> On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped
>> to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with
>> black shoe polish. I said to him, “you’ve really got to get
>> hearing aids. You’re supposed to turn your clock back.”
-
Thecia you gave me one hell of a laugh this morning. Thank you.
-
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BYQ5jvzCIAEwOXN.jpg)
HAHA that made me roll
-
It's one of those where you only have to change the name, DD.
-
It's one of those where you only have to change the name, DD.
True, it could have been a pelosi or Reid fan too.
-
Try POTUS 43
-
It's one of those where you only have to change the name, DD.
True, it could have been a pelosi or Reid fan too.
Oh I know, Had it been Bush named I still would have laughed just as hard, probably more so with Clinton lol
-
It's one of those where you only have to change the name, DD.
Gee, Katie. Even in here? Bend over. Let me slap you on your pretty little butt for being a naughty girl. 8)
-
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
-
From a facebook group (sorry for annoying caps on every word):
The Wife Came Home Early From Work And Found Her Husband In Bedroom Making Love To A Very Attractive Young Woman.
She Cried: “You Are A Disrespectful Pig! How Dare You Do This To Me — A Faithful Wife, The Mother Of Your Children! I’m Leaving You. I Want A Divorce Right Away!”
Husband Replied: “Hang On Just A Minute Love So At Least I Can Tell You What Happened.”
She Sobbed: “Fine, Go Ahead, But They’ll Be The Last Words You’ll Say To Me!”
And The Husband Began –
Well, I Was Getting Into The Car To Drive Home, And This Young Lady Here Asked Me For A Lift.
She Looked So Down And Out And Defenseless That I Took Pity On Her And Let Her Into The Car.
I Noticed That She Was Very Thin, Not Well Dressed And Very Dirty. She Told Me That She Hadn’t Eaten For Three Days.
So, In My Compassion, I Brought Her Home And Warmed Up The Enchiladas I Made For You Last Night, The Ones You Wouldn’t Eat Because You’re Afraid You’ll Put On Weight.
Since She Needed A Good Clean-Up, I Suggested A Shower, And While She Was Doing That, I Noticed Her Clothes Were Dirty And Full Of Holes, So I Threw Them Away.
Then, As She Needed Clothes, I Gave Her The Designer Jeans That You Have Had For A Few Years, But Don’t Wear Because You Say They Are Too Tight.
I Also Gave Her The Underwear That Was Your Anniversary Present, Which You Don’t Wear Because I Don’t Have Good Taste.
I Found The Sexy Blouse My Sister Gave You For Christmas That You Don’t Wear Just To Annoy Her, And I Also Donated Those Boots You Bought At The Expensive Boutique And Don’t Wear Because Someone At Work Has A Pair The Same.
The Husband Took A Quick Breath And Continued: “She Was So Grateful For My Understanding And Help That As I Walked Her To The Door, She Turned To Me With Tears In Her Eyes And Said,
“Please … Do You Have Anything Else That Your Wife Doesn't Use?“
-
there's a word of warning there somewhere.
-
OUCH! lol
-
A woman walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today? Blushing and uncomfortable, but, still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident',
She asks, 'What is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"
-
This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you’re bad luck....."
-
I get some goodies once in awhile from FB..
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."
When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband 'Keith' came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"
-----------
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of
coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
-
lol Crazy jokes today!
-
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his
nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she
says, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man
to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ... the schmuck has a paper route
-
Paper route?!? lol
-
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis.
-
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis.
Au contraire. Syphilis is reddish-brown in color. 8)
-
(https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/q71/1426231_590419421028990_1087266358_n.jpg)
-
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary! :roll: :roll:
-
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis.
Au contraire. Syphilis is reddish-brown in color. 8)
After a short image search, I guess we both are right. When I get off my high, I may do more research. Now, where did I put my brain bleach?
-
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis.
Au contraire. Syphilis is reddish-brown in color. 8)
After a short image search, I guess we both are right. When I get off my high, I may do more research. Now, where did I put my brain bleach?
Get off your high? Now why would you want to do that? Love you stoned. 8)
-
*No words of mine could ever convey the same feelings
of deep love, affectation and admiration that is contained in this
wonderfully expressive poem…….. I am lost for words! *
Australian Love Poem
Of course I love ya darlin'
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every fuckin' word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..
Aw shucks... so sweet... ;D
-
-
*No words of mine could ever convey the same feelings
of deep love, affectation and admiration that is contained in this
wonderfully expressive poem…….. I am lost for words! *
Australian Love Poem
Of course I love ya darlin'
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every fuckin' word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..
Aw shucks... so sweet... ;D
Just loved the last stanza. *rolls eyes* That's ok vinney, I still love ya, even though your Tonka toy is more like a Tinker toy. :emot_laughing: :emot_kiss:
-
Hmmm, and how did TD know about Vinney's Tinker toy???
-
If my memory serves me, tinker toys came in varying lengths, some long and some short but all really skinny. I wonder which size TD was referring to? 8)
-
If my memory serves me, tinker toys came in varying lengths, some long and some short but all really skinny. I wonder which size TD was referring to? 8)
(http://www.uta.fi/FAST/US7/NOTES/images/t-toys.jpg)
Had them when I was a kid. Yes I'm old. :roll:
-
What's the difference between PMS and BSE?
One'is mad cow's disease and the other is an agricultural problem
TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:
14. Pass My Shotgun
13. Psychotic Mood Shift
12. Pack My Stuff
11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
10. Perpetual Munching Spree
9. Puffy Mid-Section
8. People Make Me Sick
7. Provide Me with Sweets
6. Pardon My Sobbing
5. Pimples May Surface
4. Pass My Sweatpants
3. Pissy Mood Syndrome
2. Plainly Men Suck
And the number one thing PMS Stands for........Who Cares? I'm not in the mood to play this anymore!!
-
Got this off Facebook…HAD to share
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”
-
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says,
"Sweetie, can you give me a blowjob?"
"What? Are you crazy!?"
He says "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor, anyone..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up honey..."
She insistantly says "I've already said NO. Someone will see us."
At this point he pleas one last time, "My love... Please don't be like that..."
At that moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says,
"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the damn intercom button!"
-
lol I had thought he was just too loud! ;-)
-
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says,
"Sweetie, can you give me a blowjob?"
"What? Are you crazy!?"
He says "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor, anyone..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up honey..."
She insistantly says "I've already said NO. Someone will see us."
At this point he pleas one last time, "My love... Please don't be like that..."
At that moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says,
"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the damn intercom button!"
ROTFLMAO!
This had me in stitches! Best laugh I've had in ages!
Thank you!
-
How Do You Unlock the Door?
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else........ I lick the lock."
-
Short n Sweet :emot_laughing:
I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram
I was sitting at a Red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn Green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-Aussie slogans, with a half- burned Aussie Flag duct-taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell! That could have been me !" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.
The warmth and heart wrenching simplicity of Australian bush
poetry can bring a tear to the eye.
We are blessed in Australia to have such an abundant wealth of
talented story tellers through whom future generations can learn
of our history and 21st century lifestyle.
Here is a classical example: A Poem About Tomatoes
I know a Muslim whose name is Jim,
I really love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft & don't hurt the skin,
But these fuckers do, 'cos they're still in the tin
An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
-
(http://i.imgur.com/XyqTn70.jpg)
-
There are similiarities between fishing and sex... ;-)
-
There are similiarities between fishing and sex... ;-)
OK, Tell us.
-
If Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson merge will their new name be: TittyTittyBangBang? 8)
-
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out
to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale
department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you
have a size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and
proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much
the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the
mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her
blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried
Clearasil?"
-
Good one Becca... :emot_laughing:
They say Clearasil will clear up anything...
vinney
-
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex
-- You can GET chocolate.
-- Chocolate satisfies even when it's gone soft.
-- You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
-- You can have chocolate in in public.
-- If you bite the nuts, the chocolate won't mind.
-- The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
-- You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
-- No need to fake your enjoyment of chocolate.
-- Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
-- You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
-- You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
-- Size doesn't matter -- though more is still better.
-
What does Homer Simpson fantasize about when he masturbates?
Donuts
IN ANSWER TO RHL'S QUESTION:
A trout only has one responsibility:
To keep is daughter off the fishing pole
Flounder? I hardly know her!
-
(http://i.imgur.com/paHFIoH.jpg) (http://imgur.com/paHFIoH)
-
New State Mottos
State Mottos
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense Against The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies,& Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker -- WOO-EEE!!!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right to An Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco IS A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep, syrup!
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...and the sheep are scared !!!
-
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.
So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her.
By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?"
The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse
and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home.
So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the
way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man,
"Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".
-
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.
So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her.
By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?"
The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse
and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home.
So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the
way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man,
"Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".
ROFLMAO
(http://i.imgur.com/paHFIoH.jpg) (http://imgur.com/paHFIoH)
Very nice, wish it were true!
-
50 Shades – the Sequel
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth... back and forth..... in and out..........
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....
Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"
-
LMAO...that was too good vinney. In my case it would not be the parking, would be backing up...smug bastard stands at the door and will watch, then run out making motions for me to roll down the window. When I do he starts the usual lecture, still talking as I flip him off and drive away....ain't marriage grand! ;D
-
Yep marriage can be like that...
Could always ask him to stand behind you when you back up... :roll: now that could be grand... :emot_laughing:
vinney
-
Another FB-sourced one....
----
Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.
Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him."
"He isn't your father."
-
Another from FB...
Dat Ain't Bubba
Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer. He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I.D. him.
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. "Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over," said Jim-Bob. The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba."
Not saying anything, but finding it a bit strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. "Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over," said Billy-Joe. The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Dat ain't Bubba."
"How can you tell?" asked the mortician.
"Cause Bubba had two assholes," replied Billy-Joe. "Two assholes? That's impossible!" said the mortician.
"Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two assholes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would yell, 'here comes Bubba with them two assholes!"
-
This one isn't so much of a joke as it is just a really really funny experience I came across on FB
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north after checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) ..
I inhale deeply and brace myself...RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. .. I am touching wax!!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and ... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.
'IT WORKS!!
It works!!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...?
THE HAIR IS STILL HERE.......ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
-
I'm not going to laugh.
I promise.
-
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from thefat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous
woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with thatone dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
-
owtch. I've been waxed before..professionally. (going into spa..for back and legs).
I went to do my chest myself. Had no problems with spa waxing so figured it'd be a easy event. Had some of this same style of wax as you had (rub between hands,etc) although I did it slightly different. Thought to myself...hey, I have a heating pad. Think I'll set it on that and do it that way. Well..technically, the heating and splitting of the sheets was fine. Put it on, ripped off.. and yeeeowtch was that painful. Compared to spa waxings I think this style did a lot more skin-sticking than hair. Didn't matter on temperature..it all did the same. So I just gave up, shaved the rest (after a good while of using that follow-up stuff to clear some wax that never would come off). That follow-up removal stuff also caused irritation/skin break out. Not doing that style again.
And I was thinking if that worked out I'd try it on my "bikini areas"...hell no, not now.
So... OT...
-----
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
-
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
-
This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated.
She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money.
You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers,
"You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."
-
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a wanker then!"
-
I don't have a goldfish either, seems logical to me. :P lol
-
Fishing License
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
======================================================================
Jesus is watching you
One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "
-
This old geezer goes into a church confessional booth and says to the Priest, "forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
"What is it you have done, my son?"
"Well, I am 85 years old and last night I was late night shopping in Tesco when a 25 year-old pair of Swedish twins asked me for some help. Well, one thing led to another and I ended up going back to their place and I had sex with both of them."
"Say five Hail Mary's, my son."
"What's that?" says the old man.
The Priest replies, "everyone knows that... Are you sure you are a Catholic?"
"Nope, not me."
"Well, what are you telling me for?"
"Look, pal - I'm telling every fucker."
-
lol Love the 85 year old geezer joke. ;-)
-
Paddy and Mary decide to try a 69.
Paddy's never done one before so Mary says she'll show him.
She tells him to lie on the floor and squats over him.
As she lowers herself onto his face she farts, apologising she tries again but farts again.
Paddy jumps up and storms out yelling "I'll be fucked if i'm hanging around for 67 more of them"
-
Paddy and Mary decide to try a 69.
Paddy's never done one before so Mary says she'll show him.
She tells him to lie on the floor and squats over him.
As she lowers herself onto his face she farts, apologising she tries again but farts again.
Paddy jumps up and storms out yelling "I'll be fucked if i'm hanging around for 67 more of them"
Love it...
-
Come on, Paddy, sixty-seven more farts won't be THAT bad... ;-)
-
Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they’re father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs." the second man went to the father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said " no but you can sleep with the cows." the third man said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "yes." so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said "I slept like a pig" the second man said "I slept like a cow" the third man said "I felt like a golfer" the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes
-
(http://s15.postimg.org/8r7jj8fmz/Clever_Man.jpg) (http://postimage.org/)
green shot (http://postimage.org/app.php)
-
A guy proposed a £1 bar bet to a full figured girl.
Despite her dress being buttoned to the neck, he bet he could touch her breasts without touching her clothes.
Since this didn't seem remotely possible, she was intrigued and accepted the bet.
He stepped up, cupped his hands around her breasts and squeezed firmly.
With a baffled look, she said,
"Hey, you touched my clothes."
And he replied: "Okay. I owe you £1."
-
Worth £1 of anyone's money... :emot_laughing:
vinney
-
Omg Lippy, that one made me choke on my water! Good find! I wish I could Woo you twice!
-
Leave it to the Irish to take it to the simplist application.
-
The Aussies would have consumed more beer. Same conclusion though.
-
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.
“Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”
“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.
“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow…”
“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?” “I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”
“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”
-
One day a father and his five year old son went to the bank to cash a cheque. There were a few people in front of them waiting for the bank teller. The lady in front of them was a rather large well dressed business lady. The kid could not help but notice her size.
"Dad look at her! She is so huge!"
The father replied, "Be quiet! You must be polite and don't hurt her feelings."
The kid persisted, "But dad she must weigh as much as a truck!"
The father, rather embarrassed, said, "Stop it or I'll take you outside!"
Just about then the ladies pager goes off ... "beep... beep... beep..."
The kid screams, "Dad look out! She's backing up!"
-
lol A comedian told that joke a long, long time ago. He said it was him and his nephew, his nephew was getting fidgety. The comedian said she had "a little head" and "a biiiiiiigggg butt" with visual aids. :P
-
It's not very funny, but it is very old...
__
One day Martin comes home from school. His Mother asks him what he's learnt that day.
"Spelling lessons." Martin says. "But I had difficulty spelling one word."
"What word dear?"
"Clitoris."
"It's spelt c l i t oh, go ask your Father!"
So Martin goes to ask his Father.
"Dad, how do you spell clitoris?"
"Err. C l i t o r, ah why didn't you ask me earlier when I had it on the tip of my tongue!"
-
A woman walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her
little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As
she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her.
Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the
qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today? Blushing and uncomfortable, but, still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident',
She asks, 'What is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to
shit yourself when I tell you the price!"
-
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic.So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Roy give me the bottle opener' 'I didn't bring it' says Roy. 'I thought you packed it'. Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, 'Did you bring the bottle opener?'.
Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts.'
I KNEW IT! ...... I'M NOT FUCKING GOING.'
-
Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch
of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The mother superior turns to Sister Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are -- show them your cross."
So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Immaculata looks back at the mother superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"
-
That cross was a tad bit too much, Sister ;-)
That tortoise story was crazy, lol
-
DID YOU KNOW DIARRHEA IS HEREDITARY?
YES. IT RUNS IN YOUR GENES [JEANS].
-
A young woman walks into a doctor's office complaining about a rash on her chest. Upon examination, the doctor discovers the rash is in the shape of a 'Y'. The doctor asks the woman if she can think of anything which might explain it.
"Well," the woman replies, "it could be my boyfriend. You see, he goes to Yale and when we have sex he insists on wearing his letter sweater."
The doctor tells the woman to make her boyfriend take off the sweater before they have sex. Later that same day another woman comes in with a rash on her chest, this one in the shape of an 'H'.
When questioned, the woman explains that her boyfriend goes to Harvard and insists on wearing his letter sweater when they have sex. The doctor gives the second woman the same advice as the first and sends he on her way. Later yet another woman comes into the office with a rash in the shape of an 'M'.
Before the woman can explain, the doctor exclaims, "I bet your boyfriend goes to Michigan!"
A smile breaks across the woman's face as she exclaims, "No, but my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin!"
-
Nice one Licks
-
When my wife left, I was very sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I've got a dog,
bought a new motorbike,
fucked two women
and blown a grand on drink .
She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.
-
I woke up swathed in bandages!
I worked out that I was in a hospital ICU, I had tubes entering different parts of my body,
there were wires monitoring every function, there was also this angelic nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious to me that I'd been in a very serious accident.
I heard her say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'
I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'
-
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you pay for the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!" :emot_laughing:
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
-
(http://i.imgur.com/PQGqL2v.jpg)
-
Hilarious jokes, Hoss! WOO!
-
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.
-
A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us. The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.
-
Well that's explains A LOT lol
-
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are on a plane flying across Europe when all of a sudden there is a mighty explosion and the planes fuselage blows off leaving all 3 hanging on the wing.
Alarmed at what is going to happen, all of a sudden the 3 hear a yelling from the pilot saying that he should still be able to land the plane, just in order to do so he needs to balance the weight of the plane out, and to do so one of them will have to let go and fall off.
After much pondering finally the Englishman pipes up and says
"Ok, I'll do it, but on one condition",
"Whats that?" the other 2 ask,
"I'll do it as long as I can sing a song first,"
of course the other 2 are happily going to let the guy sing a song before he plummets to his death so they give him the nod.
The Englishman clears his throat and starts off,
"If your Irish and you know it clap your hands!
Paddy was taking a walk in the country. In a field he noticed something that intrigued him. Why doesn't this cow have any horns?
He asked the local farmer.
"Well sir, cattle can do damage with their horns so we usually keep them trimmed down with a hacksaw. You can also treat young calves so their horns never grow. And some breeds don't have any horns at all," the farmer replied.
The farmer continued, "But this cow doesn't have any horns because it is a horse!"
-
This one is from the Twins,
Ever imagined why is our ass is split vertically?
Because if it were split horizontally, it would clap when we would run down the stairs!
P.S. Now stop imagining things you sick Perverts.
-
Hahahaha.....That was a good one.
Could you imagine what a toilet would look like?
-
Golf Pro's Suggestion
'Well, what should I do?' asked the man.
'Hold the club gently,' the pro replied, 'just like you'd hold your wife's breast.'
Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.
The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.
The next day, the wife went for her lesson.
The pro watched her swing and said, 'No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.'
'What can I do?' asked the wife.
'Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.'
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!-- the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
'You know, that was a lot better than I expected,' the pro said.
Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands.
-
12 Days of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me...
Dearest Dave,
I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!
With truly the deepest love,
Agnes
December 15, 2003
Dearest Dave,
Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.
With all of my love,
Your Agnes
December 16, 2003
Dearest Dave,
You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.
Love,
Agnes
December 17, 2003
Dear Dave,
Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 18, 2003
Dearest darling Dave,
It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!
All my love,
Agnes
December 19, 2003
Dear Dave,
When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.
Cordially,
Agnes
December 20, 2003
Dave,
What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 21, 2003
O.K. wise guy,
The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!
Agnes
December 22, 2003
Hey loser,
What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!
You'll get yours!
Agnes
December 23, 2003
You rotten scum!!!
There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!
One who means it!
December 24, 2003
Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!
What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
December 25, 2003
The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
Dear sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.
Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
-
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account
and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?
-
A young man goes to his father asking for a car of his own.
The father tells his son, "I'll need to see an improvement in your grades at school. I also want to see you help out more around the house, without being told what to do. You'll also need a job, gas and insurance isn't free son, and I want you to get a hair cut. You do these things, and I'll be wiling to talk about it."
Several months go by and the son approaches his father once again, with the same request.
His father replies "well son, I'm proud to see your grades have really improved at school. Your mother tells me you've been a big help for her around here, and to be honest, that boss of yours cant seem to say enough good things about you, but you still haven't gotten a hair cut."
"But dad Jesus had long hair" his son responds
"Son, Jesus walked everywhere"
-
Funny stuff!
-
An Irish Prostitute & The Engineer in Hell...
An Irish Prostitute
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?Why didn't ye call?Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this
luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion,
plus a 5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition
convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ...
(takes a breath)
... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve
on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death,
girl! I thought ye said a Protestant!
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.!...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there,
accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell.
Send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
-
Another Protestant joke, lol
Loved the Engineer in Hell joke. Where's Toe the lawyer when you need him? :P
-
A guy woke up in the morning with a terrible hangover.
Next to the bed was a couple of aspirins, a glass of water, and a note from his wife "Honey, there's a hot breakfast waiting for you in the kitchen. Love, your wife."
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He stumbles into the bathroom and notices a huge black eye.
After shaving, he goes to the kitchen, and sees that the hall mirror is broken too.
His son is in the kitchen and as he's eating this huge breakfast, the guy asks the son what all this is about.
Well, last night you came home drunk off your ass, stumbled into the mirror and hit your head on the doorknob. Mom helped you to bed, and as she was trying to get your pants off you kicked her away and said "get off me lady, I'm married."
-
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway.'
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'
The priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
He said, 'Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.'
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.'
-
A guy woke up in the morning with a terrible hangover.
Next to the bed was a couple of aspirins, a glass of water, and a note from his wife "Honey, there's a hot breakfast waiting for you in the kitchen. Love, your wife."
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He stumbles into the bathroom and notices a huge black eye.
After shaving, he goes to the kitchen, and sees that the hall mirror is broken too.
His son is in the kitchen and as he's eating this huge breakfast, the guy asks the son what all this is about.
Well, last night you came home drunk off your ass, stumbled into the mirror and hit your head on the doorknob. Mom helped you to bed, and as she was trying to get your pants off you kicked her away and said "get off me lady, I'm married."
Saved by a chance statement. :emot_laughing:
-
A guy woke up in the morning with a terrible hangover.
Next to the bed was a couple of aspirins, a glass of water, and a note from his wife "Honey, there's a hot breakfast waiting for you in the kitchen. Love, your wife."
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He stumbles into the bathroom and notices a huge black eye.
After shaving, he goes to the kitchen, and sees that the hall mirror is broken too.
His son is in the kitchen and as he's eating this huge breakfast, the guy asks the son what all this is about.
Well, last night you came home drunk off your ass, stumbled into the mirror and hit your head on the doorknob. Mom helped you to bed, and as she was trying to get your pants off you kicked her away and said "get off me lady, I'm married."
Saved by a chance statement. :emot_laughing:
I like to think he is a committed husband. Of course, most husbands need to be committed. ;D
-
Good one, Gomez.
Loved the Engineer jokes as well.
-
A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along."
~unknown~
-
A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now." So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, "Bud Light please."
The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis."
The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink."
The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something."
So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."
The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Ford, because it is built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come here, I am ready to order."
The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"
The man says, "A Bud Light please."
The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?"
The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman."
-
I hate new socks.
They always leave lint on the bottom of your feet.
Which of course ends up on the sheets.
Which somehow ends up on the bottom of my ball sack.
Which of course my wife bitches about when it gets on her tongue,
interrupting a perfectly good blow job!
DAMN I hate new socks.
-
Ouch. :P
-
Subject: Becoming an Irishman
Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Frank."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Frank."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion?
Shame on you!" And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Frank? she asked.
"Well miss, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
-
Now that was funny as Hell!!! ;-)
-
After God had rested on the 7th day, He went out on day 8 to bestow gifts to the creatures He'd created. He made his rounds and ended up at the Garden of Eden with a nearly empty bag.
God approached Adam and Eve and said, "I've been giving all my children gifts, but sadly, I only have two left". "One of them is the ability to pee standng up."
At hearing this Adam jumped up and pleaded, "Oh yes God, I want the ability to pee standing up. Please, please give me that. Gimme, gimme, gimme."
God was put out at Adam's display and lack of respect for Eve, but He sighed and granted Adam the ability to pee standing up.
He then looked at Eve and told her, "That leaves the last gift for you....multiple orgasams".
-
With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family and friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before; I took a taxicab home!
Sure enough, on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a taxi they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!!!
-
Take the Male Sensitivity Test to determine if you know how to relate to women.
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Centre.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following would you most likely say at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
-
Take the Male Sensitivity Test to determine if you know how to relate to women.
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Centre.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following would you most likely say at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
You didn't give us the answer key!
-
There was no answer key, go figure. Best I could come up with was.......
Mostly A's......Too good to be true, so us women know you are bullshitting which in turn means you're shit outta luck.
Mostly B's......Yep, regular chip off the old block....you're in the running.
Mostly C's......You're just sit outta luck.
:emot_laughing:
-
See, it's a no-win situation. ;)
Screwed if you do, screwed if you don't.
:emot_kiss:
-
Take the Male Sensitivity Test to determine if you know how to relate to women.
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Centre.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following would you most likely say at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
You didn't give us the answer key!
The answer is "C" to every question.
-
Come on, Miss B! Do you think we are really that bad?
-
Hey, Vinney, you're a smart guy. I'm sure you'll find a use for that taxicab. :P
-
Hey, Vinney, you're a smart guy. I'm sure you'll find a use for that taxicab. :P
:emot_bigokay:
vinney
-
Strip off the paint, paint it a new color, start your own taxi service. ;-) I'm sure some KB members need rides. :P
-
•Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says 'how you doin?'
Paddy says ' okay but do us a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed.
He says 'your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you'.
They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'
Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'
Paddy shouts back 'Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?'
-
Strip off the paint, paint it a new color, start your own taxi service. ;-) I'm sure some KB members need rides. :P
Strip off...? Oh the paint... hey that's a friggin' good idea... now... where's my blowjob blowtorch...?
vinney
-
Did you forget? You lent it to Janus.
Janus borrows a lot of stuff... Hey, Katie, did he return your bazooka? ;-)
-
•Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed one girl leaned over and whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating."
Her friend replied, "Don't do anything. Just ignore it."
The first girl said, "I can't."
Her friend, "Why can't you ignore it?"
The first one says, "Because he's using my hand!"
-
A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for three hours straight and she has multiple orgasms! After three hours he stops, gets up, and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is laying back and huffing and puffing from exhaustion.
"Oh God, that was great!" She said, "Now I need my money."
The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs so then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living."
The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and opens it to the word "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads: "HOOKER: a person who has sex for money."
Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear", hands the dictionary to the hooker, and walks out the door. The hooker reads: "KOALA BEAR: Furry Mammal That Eats Bushes and Leaves."
-
Now that was too funny...WOO that, thanks for posting.
-
On a bitterly cold winter morning a
Husband and blonde wife in
Dublin were listening to the radio during
Breakfast. They heard the
Announcer say, "We are going to have 8
To 10 inches of snow today. You
Must park your car on the
Even-numbered side of the street, so the
Snow plows can get
Through. "So the good wife went out and moved her
Car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
Snow plows can get through. The good wife
Went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
Radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was
Very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't
Know what to do. Which side of the street do
I need to park on so the
Snow plows can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
Men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the car
In the garage this
Time."
I didn't see it coming either
-
Neither did i. Can you imagine if she wasn't married and had no one to tell her? :P
-
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00." Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
-
From my friend Dallas
This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo. I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.
Stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading SEX. for ammo?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo 'ya got?"
-
In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reached the age of 18, they had to participate in the following community ceremony:
They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men. She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. (This keeps them off his face during the ceremony.)
A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the center of the circle.
As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the center dancer, release them.
The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their bellies.
This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity .... the man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.
And that, folks, is why the current capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok!
(I tried to check this out on snopes and they said I was a pervert!)
-
Weather Conditions --- Just got off the phone with a friend who lives
> in North Dakota.
>
> She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist
> high and is still falling. The temperature is 32 below zero and the
> north wind is increasing to near gale force. Wind chill is -59. Her
> husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
>
> She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken
> bastard in.
-
Just a few "one-liners"....at least one will get a laugh :emot_laughing:
I went out last night and got really drunk. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring, so I knew I made it home OK!
The wife wanted to make a sex movie, and is angry with me. All I did was suggest we hold auditions for her part.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But, strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Bugger it, soldier on!”
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked as I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered, McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake."
A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."
A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
-
Hope you like this....
Let's eat Grandma.
Let's eat, Grandma.
Comma's can save lives.!!!
Dedicated to Gia who unknowingly taught me so much, with out my ever knowing it.
And also who will never really know how much I care for and about her.
Love,
Liz
-
Just heard the President is going to make a public announcement advising people not to eat yellow snow, for no other reason than to hear FOX news anchors saying how good yellow snow is.
-
At first I was afraid,
I was petrified!
When you said you had 10 inches, lord I almost died.
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
that I grew strong...
and knew that I could take you on
BUT THERE YOU ARE
Another lie
I was ready for a Big Mac and you brought me a French Fry,
I should have known that it was bullshit,
just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in your jeans,
Go on now go....walk out the door!
don't you promise me 10 inches and then give me only 4!
You are such a prat to think that I wouldn't find it out,
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?
I will survive,
I will survive!
As long as I have all my batteries,
my sex life's gona thrive!
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex!
I will survive
I will survive!
HEY HEY!
-
Everybody sing along!!!!!!!!
-
At first I was afraid,
I was petrified!
When you said you had 10 inches, lord I almost died.
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
that I grew strong...
and knew that I could take you on
BUT THERE YOU ARE
Another lie
I was ready for a Big Mac and you brought me a French Fry,
I should have known that it was bullshit,
just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in your jeans,
Go on now go....walk out the door!
don't you promise me 10 inches and then give me only 4!
You are such a prat to think that I wouldn't find it out,
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?
I will survive,
I will survive!
As long as I have all my batteries,
my sex life's gona thrive!
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex!
I will survive
I will survive!
HEY HEY!
Top marks... brilliant... and a woo...
vinney
-
A married couple is driving along a highway doing steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph.
"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete wall. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
-
:emot_laughing:
Didn't see that one coming... nice one TD...
vinney
-
Take the Male Sensitivity Test to determine if you know how to relate to women.
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Centre.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following would you most likely say at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
A Rolls off the Tongue Better
B Safety First
A It just Happens that way naturally
B She'd Have to Mop it first
B To be truthful but the wife says A
A it sounds better than 'More Cushion for the Pushin'
C I don't know why but they're mostly dicks anyway
A I like a big meal
D Better Luck Next Time
B Refer to answer for 9
-
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Got him a Fosters ...... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram.
-
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."
-
Yeah, not up for that class trip to Heaven. ;-)
-
Good one Lippy...
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Irv."
All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent
piece when it used to be the size of a
nickel."
Her mother says: "You're married to a
multi-millionaire businessman, you live
in an 8 Bedroom mansion, you drive a
$250,000 Ferrari, you get $2,000 a
week allowance, you take 6 vacations
a year and you want to get a divorce
Over 45 CENTS?!
Now that's a Jewish mother!!!
No offense to Jewish mothers intended.
-
I don't think there are many Jewish mothers on here if any... ;-)
-
A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, ‘You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K’.
She said, ‘What does that mean?’
He said, ‘Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot’.
She said, ‘Oh that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?’
He said, ‘ I’m Just Kidding
-
A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, ‘You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K’.
She said, ‘What does that mean?’
He said, ‘Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot’.
She said, ‘Oh that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?’
He said, ‘ I’m Just Kidding
And that's when the fight started!
-
DRINKING IN GALWAY
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.
The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me wife quite a few times."
-
Warning - Groaner Alert
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
-
SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats". But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
FIVE Other Simple Truths:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems but then neither does milk.
Bonus Truth:
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
-
Great jokes, msslave and smugdingus!
-
At a retirement center in Florida, several seniors were sitting around talking about their ailments.
“My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
“Yes, I know,” said another, “My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee.”
“I couldn't even punch the ballot at the last election my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third.
“What? Speak up! I can’t hear you people!” called a fourth.
“I can’t turn my head because of this arthritis in my neck, said a fifth to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy!” exclaimed an older woman.
“I forgot where am and where I’m going. What are we talking about again?” said yet another.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an elderly as he shook his head slowly and grimaced.
The others nodded in agreement.
“Well, we should all count our blessings!” said one old woman who couldn't even stand, “and we should thank God that we can all still drive!”
-
Remind me to stay out of Florida! lol
-
While tending to her housework, a woman asks her husband
"Will you please fix the cabinet in the kitchen? It's been barely holding on to it's hinges for weeks now."
He replies "Does it say 'carpenter' on my forehead?"
Surprised, she lets it go and returns to her housework. As she begins to clean the bathroom, she notices that the lever is getting stuck. She yells from the bathroom,
"Honey, the toilet's lever is stuck again! Can you fix it?"
She comes into the living room to find him reading the paper. He responds to the puzzled look on her face with...
"Do I have "plumber" written on my forehead?"
The next day, her husband comes home from work to find the Cabinet fixed, the toilet fixed, and a chipper spouse making the bed in the master bedroom.
"Who fixed everything?"
"A kind young gentleman came by today, said he was a handyman and asked if I needed anything done around the house. When he finished, he said I couldn't pay him with cash because I don't keep it around the house. He mentioned that was fine and that I could pay him by sucking his dick or cooking him a good meal."
"What did you cook for him?"
"Does it say "chef" of my forehead?"
-
:emot_laughing: Wubble... good one...
vinney
-
Husband and wives. The fodder from many, many, many jokes. :P
-
A government survey crew came to Ole's farm one Fall day and asked permission to enter his property. Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice meal at lunch time.
The next Spring, the crew returned and told Ole, "Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter."
Ole replied, "What's the bad news?"
The surveyors said, "Well, after reviewing our work here, we discovered that your farm is not in Minnesota but is actually in Wisconsin!"
Ole looked at Lena and replied to the surveyors, "That's the best news I have heard in a long time. I just told Lena this morning that I don't think I can take another winter in Minnesota."
-
Very good, TheciaMari. I'm not sure how many more Minnsota winters I have left in me.
More and more, I keep remembering what my Dad used to say about hating winter and snow. His plan was to put a snow shovel over his shoulder and start walking south. He'd keep walking, until someone came up to him and said, "Hey Mister, what's that thing on your shoulder?". That would be where he'd stop and settle.
-
They say Eskimos have over 100 words for snow. Michiganders do too, but they all begin with the letters "F" or "G"!
-
SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE HUMOR
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.22 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend, yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by two points: The question was:
Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa ! Who knew?
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on withhis girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He
said "Her brother's got a mustache."
-
Great jokes, Thecia! I'm still laughing... :P
-
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years serving the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was late getting there, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person that entered my confessional told me, he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the very first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE FOR A MEETING.
-
Only the English will understand this...
An Englishman goes into his daughter's bedroom and sees a letter
addressed to 'Mum and Dad' on the bed.
With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:
Dear Mum & Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend.
I've found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in the forest.
He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams too.
I've learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and Ahmed's friends. They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.
In the meantime we'll pray to Allah for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better. He deserves it.
Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn $200 per scene. I get a $200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra $100 for the deer.
Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 I know how to take care of myself.
Someday we'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Sandra
P.S. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at the neighbours.
I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England losing the Ashes.
-
The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the
Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in
Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The Royal Navy fully
expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high
standards of behaviour.
The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of
anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic
industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance
of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum
of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay
disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis
will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy
and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will
still be available on request.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by
"Hi, Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different
languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer have to ask
permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.
The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White
Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook
from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the
Navy" by the Village People.
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to
ports on England 's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation
from Brussels."
His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."
-
The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about ? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in ! Would you explain that to me ?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush beats a Pair no matter how big they are.
-
Roseanne: Dan, you need more Life Insurance.
Dan: No I don't, I have enough.
Roseanne: No you don't. Like, if you die and stuff, you know, i wanna grieve in Tahiti.
-
Jewish Rye bread. Who knew.............
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies. You'll feel like 40 again!"
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."
-
Hell, i didn't know either! lol
-
One day Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to Grandma's house with a basket of
goodies in hand. She's wearing her usual red skirt, red blouse, red cape and
hood, even down to her little red panties. It's a bright and sunny day, and she
doesn't have a care in the world.
As she's entering the forest, a squirrel pops out of a tree, looks at her and
says, "I wouldn't go into those woods if I were you Red. It's dangerous in
there."
"Why is it so dangerous?" asks Little Red Riding Hood.
"Because the Big Bad Wolf is in there. And he's gonna pull up your little red
skirt, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off."
Little Red Riding Hood pulls a big gun out of her basket and says, "I think I
can take care of wolfie."
Putting the gun back in the basket, she skips into the woods with the squirrel wishing her luck. As she gets deeper into the woods, a raccoon wanders out from behind a tree and says, "I wouldn't go into those woods if I were you Red. It's dangerous in
there."
"Why is it so dangerous?" asks Little Red Riding Hood.
"Because the Big Bad Wolf is in there. And he's gonna pull up your little red
skirt, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off."
Little Red Riding Hood pulls a big gun out of her basket and says, "Like I told
Mr. Squirrel... I can take care of wolfie..."
"Well, I wish you luck..." says the raccoon, who waves goodby as he goes on his
way.
Back goes the gun into the basket and deeper into the woods goes Little Red
Riding Hood. When she gets far into the woods, Red spots the Big Bad Wolf leaning against a tree and leering at her. "You know who I am, don't you?" says the Wolf.
"You're the Big Bad Wolf, aren't you?" asks Little Red Riding Hood.
"Yeah," replies the Big Bad Wolf, "And I'm gonna grab you, pull up your little
red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks
off."
"No," says Red, pulling the gun from the basket and pointing it at his face,
"you're gonna eat me first, then screw me."
-
Seems like a reasonable "request" to me...
-
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies,
'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo shit.
It means someone stole the tent.'
-
The Lone Ranger was clueless at times. Once, He and Tonto were surrounded by Indians (Native Americans for PC ppl). Turning to Tonto he said, "Looks like we're really in trouble this time". To which Tonto replied, "What do you mean We"?
-
Sean goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you, Sean?"
"Yes, Father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins.
Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Mary's."
Sean goes back to his pew and his buddy Mike slides over and asks, "What happened?"
Sean replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Mary's and three good leads."
-
Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox baseball game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the President. Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head.
The agent then says "Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor, and the fans will love it!"
So, Barack shrugs and says "Well, if it will help my poll numbers."
He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field.
She gets up kicking, screaming & swearing.
The crowd goes wild; cheering, applauding,and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says "You were right,
I would have never believed that!"
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what was wrong.
The agent replies "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first ........PITCH!!!"
-
>
> CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL
>
> This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral.
>
> A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.
>
> A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
>
> At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist!'
>
> The priest fainted!
-
Subject: Investment Tips for 2014..................
For those of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2014:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTitty-BangBang.
-
Great jokes today! I'm still laughing!
-
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.
As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position.
The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
-
OUCH!!! :P
-
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over ...women like that are hard to find."
-
A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.
The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says, "Not bad, Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast."
The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick."
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."
-
A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband
always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did.
Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning,
and from my bed, I called out :'Is that you, Jim ?' And that
cured him."
"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?"
The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Bill."
-
Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, "Stop! If you take one more step, you will be killed." The woman stopped and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path.
A few minutes later, she was ready to cross the street when the same voice bellowed "Halt! Don’t cross the street now". An out-of-control beer truck soon screeched around the corner and didn't even slowdown as it ran the red light.
Shaken, the woman asked out loud, "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel." replied the voice. "And I imagine you have some questions for me".
"You bet," the woman said, "Where were you on my wedding day?"
-
Msslave, Azuroge, great, hilarious stuff!
-
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
-
A rather well proportioned young lady, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, & she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, & besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight.
-
lol Azuroge, you tell some of the most hilarious jokes. :P
-
lol Azuroge, you tell some of the most hilarious jokes. :P
i aim to please :emot_laughing:
-
Three people walk into a bar: Azuroge, Vinney and Toe.
I forgot the rest. :P
-
Great way to start off the day Azuroge, thanks for posting.
-
Azuroge, Vinney and Toe walk into a bar. TinyDancer is the bartender.
I still forget the rest...
-
Azuroge, Vinney and Toe walk into a bar. TinyDancer is the bartender.
I still forget the rest...
Try harder GG... my memory must be slipping... ;D
vinney
-
Since GG wants a bar joke...
A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.
"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.
"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!''
''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender.
''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head!"
''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!''
''Damn, that really is a drag!''
''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!''
''That would sure mess up my day."
''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!''
-
A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?", she asks. "Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over", replies the mom.
When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"
Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it!"
-
Husband's say the darnest things! :P
-
A man in a supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
A very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole
heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask
his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some
asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his
sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he
added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think
on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
" Canada , sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up
there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada ."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
-
Azuroge, Vinney and Toe walk into a bar. TinyDancer is the bartender.
I still forget the rest...
Azuroge, Vinney and Toe walk into a bar. TinyDancer is the bartender.
Liz walks into the bar, sits at the far end and starts to make out with TinyDancer.
I forget the rest.............
-
LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS
1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember it.
6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed or between the thighs.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
-
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
-
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny” speech.
At seven, I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech. When I was eight, you
Hit me with the "There's no Santa" speech. If you're going to tell me that
Grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
-
Wisdom From the Farm
I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:
1, Internal Revenue "Service".
2, U.S. Postal "Service".
3, Telephone "Service".
4, Cable T.V. "Service".
5, Civil "Service".
6, State, City, County & Public "Service".
7, Customer "Service".
This is not what I thought "Service" meant
But today, I overheard two 2 farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus.
"Now I understand what all those agencies are doing".
I hope that YOU are now just as enlightened as I am.
-
My wife had that look in her eye this morning. I knew she was going to try to start something.
Hands on her hips, she glared at me and said, "What ya doin' today"?
"Nothing", I replied.
"Nothing", she roared, "You did that yesterday"!
I calmly went back to my paper as I replied, "I'm not finished".
-
lol Great, Msslave and Azuroge! And WOO to Liz's warped sense of humor. :P
...I won't tell anyone what Azuroge, Vinney and Toe did to Liz in the bar... ;-)
-
I hear that the lights went out suddenly, there was the sound of a kiss, the rustle of clothes, and a slap.
When the lights went back on, Azuroge had his pants down around his ankles, toe had the mark of a hand on his cheek, TD was blushing furiously, and Vinney was trying to look innocent.
-
That was part of it...
-
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a FOURTH TIME with the same result.
He did this a FIFTH TIME and now was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got FIVE tickets in the mail......for driving WITHOUT A SEAT BELT......
-
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
-
It'll grow back. :P
-
I hear that the lights went out suddenly, there was the sound of a kiss, the rustle of clothes, and a slap.
When the lights went back on, Azuroge had his pants down around his ankles, toe had the mark of a hand on his cheek, TD was blushing furiously, and Vinney was trying to look innocent.
Vinney was innocent... not...! :emot_laughing:
vinney
-
LOL, Katiebee was blushing thinking of you in that provocative pose, wearing revealing clothing. Vinney has that innocent act down pat! :emot_laughing:
-
LOL, Katiebee was blushing thinking of you in that provocative pose, wearing revealing clothing. Vinney has that innocent act down pat! :emot_laughing:
:o Aw shucks... You go me...Just need to improve my innocence act then...
vinney
-
I hear that the lights went out suddenly, there was the sound of a kiss, the rustle of clothes, and a slap.
When the lights went back on, Azuroge had his pants down around his ankles, toe had the mark of a hand on his cheek, TD was blushing furiously, and Vinney was trying to look innocent.
Standing by Tiny with my top unbuttoned..looking "very very innocent".
:roll: :D
Love,
Liz
-
I hear that the lights went out suddenly, there was the sound of a kiss, the rustle of clothes, and a slap.
When the lights went back on, Azuroge had his pants down around his ankles, toe had the mark of a hand on his cheek, TD was blushing furiously, and Vinney was trying to look innocent.
Standing by Tiny with my top unbuttoned..looking "very very innocent".
:roll: :D
Love,
Liz
And I was looking very very innocently at a very very innocent (REALLY?) Liz... waiting for the lights to go down again and then... :roll:
Love
vinney
-
I hear that the lights went out suddenly, there was the sound of a kiss, the rustle of clothes, and a slap.
When the lights went back on, Azuroge had his pants down around his ankles, toe had the mark of a hand on his cheek, TD was blushing furiously, and Vinney was trying to look innocent.
Standing by Tiny with my top unbuttoned..looking "very very innocent".
:roll: :D
Love,
Liz
And I was looking very very innocently at a very very innocent (REALLY?) Liz... waiting for the lights to go down again and then... :roll:
Love
vinney
Vinney, if you frickin get near me, you are going to die!!!
and IT will be a horrible death!!!
Love,
Liz
-
I hear that the lights went out suddenly, there was the sound of a kiss, the rustle of clothes, and a slap.
When the lights went back on, Azuroge had his pants down around his ankles, toe had the mark of a hand on his cheek, TD was blushing furiously, and Vinney was trying to look innocent.
Standing by Tiny with my top unbuttoned..looking "very very innocent".
:roll: :D
Love,
Liz
And I was looking very very innocently at a very very innocent (REALLY?) Liz... waiting for the lights to go down again and then... :roll:
Love
vinney
Vinney, if you frickin get near me, you are going to die!!!
and IT will be a horrible death!!!
Love,
Liz
Oh la la... promises... promises... ;D
Love
vinney
-
I hear that the lights went out suddenly, there was the sound of a kiss, the rustle of clothes, and a slap.
When the lights went back on, Azuroge had his pants down around his ankles, toe had the mark of a hand on his cheek, TD was blushing furiously, and Vinney was trying to look innocent.
Standing by Tiny with my top unbuttoned..looking "very very innocent".
:roll: :D
Love,
Liz
And I was looking very very innocently at a very very innocent (REALLY?) Liz... waiting for the lights to go down again and then... :roll:
Love
vinney
Vinney, if you frickin get near me, you are going to die!!!
and IT will be a horrible death!!!
Love,
Liz
Since my pants are already down, I'll just take a shot of tequila and go wank off in a corner while watching you guys look very very innocent. :emot_laughing:
-
msslave walks into the same bar and sees all the wierdness going on. Remembers he doesn't drink anyway and leave before his pants are pulled down.
-
LOL....Too Funnnyyyy.
I love what msslave said......
Love,
Liz
:D
-
msslave walks into the same bar and sees all the wierdness going on. Remembers he doesn't drink anyway and leave before his pants are pulled down.
Vinney stops msslave at the door and pulls his pants down. :emot_laughing:
-
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ...
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!", she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi.'
I bet you're gonna read this again!
-
I got pulled over the other day when the policeman took my details.
"Occupation?" he asked.
"Asshole stretcher" I replied.
"Really?" he asked sarcastically, "and what does an asshole stretcher do?"
I said "Well first I insert a butt plug into your ass and leave it there for a few days until your ass muscles relax. Then I put in a bigger butt plug, leave it there for a week, then a bigger butt plug, it can take up to 3 months to stretch your ass up to six feet."
"And what would anyone do with a six foot ass hole?" he asked.
"Normally they give them a squad car and a uniform" I replied, "The rest comes naturally."
-
YOU GOTTA "Always" TRUST YOUR HUSBAND
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband
For example ... A wife comes home late at night early from being out of
town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a
baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once
she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine."Hi Honey", he says,
"Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say ‘hello’ ?”
-
Male Sensitivity Self-Assessment Test
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin rocket to tuna-town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
B. Your blood-test results
C. Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first
B. You both climax simultaneously
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience
B. The second best part of the experience
C. $100 extra
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her
B. Not a problem; she can join your gym
C. A conservative estimate
7.. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree
B. Primer is to paint
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not available right now, please leave a message at the tone."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
B. Is uptight and a waste of time
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
Here is how to self-evaluate your results:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN! :roll:
-
Two old friends bumped into one another on the street one day. One of them looked forlorn, almost on the verge of tears. His friend asked, "What has the world done to you, my old friend?" The sad fellow said, "Three weeks ago,an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's a lot of money."
"But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew died, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."
"Sounds like you've been blessed...."
"You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
Now he was really confused. "Then, why do you look so glum?"
"This week... nothing
-
msslave walks into the same bar and sees all the wierdness going on. Remembers he doesn't drink anyway and leave before his pants are pulled down.
Vinney stops msslave at the door and pulls his pants down. :emot_laughing:
Vinney puts an arm around msslave and pulls him closer, his other hand moves lower and his lips move towards msslave's. All the others are watching...the gleam in their eyes says they're waiting their turn. Just as Vinney's and msslave's lips are about to meet.........Azuroge starts another of his stand up comedy routines.
-
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender.
The bartender follows the man’s order and says, That will be $42.50 please.
The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk’s instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.
The bartender says, What, no drink for me?
Oh, no. You get violent when you drink
-
Great jokes azuroge.....Nice to have a laugh first thing in the morning.
-
Be careful about walking into a bar here, Janus!
-
Stands off to the side of the bar with TinyDancer snuggling close "wondering" just what the hell is going on in the bar.
:D
Love,
Liz
-
I think Janus just entered, and remember, his motto is "Any orifice in a storm!"
-
Stands off to the side of the bar with TinyDancer snuggling close "wondering" just what the hell is going on in the bar.
:D
Love,
Liz
Janus just entered the bar and stared at Vinney and msslave dancing to "The Hustle" with their pants around their ankles. :emot_laughing:
-
Stands off to the side of the bar with TinyDancer snuggling close "wondering" just what the hell is going on in the bar.
:D
Love,
Liz
Janus just entered the bar and stared at Vinney and msslave dancing to "The Hustle" with their pants around their ankles. :emot_laughing:
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! that visual is like sooooooo bad.....
Love,
Liz
-
Stands off to the side of the bar with TinyDancer snuggling close "wondering" just what the hell is going on in the bar.
:D
Love,
Liz
Janus just entered the bar and stared at Vinney and msslave dancing to "The Hustle" with their pants around their ankles. :emot_laughing:
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! that visual is like sooooooo bad.....
Love,
Liz
You asked :emot_laughing:
-
Stands off to the side of the bar with TinyDancer snuggling close "wondering" just what the hell is going on in the bar.
:D
Love,
Liz
Janus just entered the bar and stared at Vinney and msslave dancing to "The Hustle" with their pants around their ankles. :emot_laughing:
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! that visual is like sooooooo bad.....
Love,
Liz
You asked :emot_laughing:
LOL...No I wondered, I just didn't expect that for an answer.... :o
Love,
Liz
-
Janus drops his trousers and goes across the floor looking at Liz and inviting her for a dance with his eyes.
Wink....Sorry darlin' I couldn't resist.
-
Janus drops his trousers and goes across the floor looking at Liz and inviting her for a dance with his eyes.
Wink....Sorry darlin' I couldn't resist.
EWWWWWWWWWW.......
OMG.....Going Blind!!!...My eyes!!!, My eyes!!!!
Wait a minute??....what is that "tiny thing"??
:emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
-
Wait a minute??....what is that "tiny thing"??
:emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
That would be my cock....Now try to remember it is cold out and you have to allow for shrinkage.......But if you keep looking at it through your fingers like that, I guarantee it will grow....A LOT :emot_laughing:
-
Wait a minute??....what is that "tiny thing"??
:emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
That would be my cock....Now try to remember it is cold out and you have to allow for shrinkage.......But if you keep looking at it through your fingers like that, I guarantee it will grow....A LOT :emot_laughing:
:emot_laughing:
That's my answer!!
Love Ya...
Liz
-
mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs.
And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist
-
Grandpa gets an audit letter in the mail and shows up to his appointment at the IRS building with his lawyer. They enter the room, sit down, and the IRS agent starts to question them.
IRS Agent: "Well, sir, we think it is a little odd that you have no official income, but are able to afford such a lavish lifestyle, and you claim it is all from Gambling? You say you made $300,000 last year from gambling alone?"
Grandpa: "Yes. I am very good at it. Would you like a demonstration? I will bet you $1,500 that I can bite my own eye."
The IRS agent stares at him for a minute, quite confused, and takes the bet. Before he can retract his words, Grandpa pops out his glass eye and proceeds to bite it. The IRS agent is stunned, and just lost a grand.
Grandpa: "You didn't think I could do it did you? Tell you what, double or nothing, I can bite my other eye."
The IRS agent studies Grandpa for a minute and thinks to himself that there is no way this guy has two glass eyes, and takes the bet. Grandpa pulls out his dentures and uses them to bite his other eye. The IRS agent's mount drops. He is out $3000 now fair and square, with this man's lawyer here as proof, and starting to get worried.
Grandpa (laughs): "You look worried, son. I will do one more bet, double or nothing. I am going to stand here and pee into that waste can behind you and not spill a single drop anywhere else."
The IRS agent looks at the man, turns around and looks at the waste can. It is about 6 feet behind him. This old man will have to pee about 8-9 feet and not spill a single drop. The IRS agent is worried, but he thinks he can win this bet.
IRS Agent: "You're on!"
Grandpa stands up and unzips. He struggles mightily and lets a weak stream go. It doesn't get anywhere near the trash can. In fact, it just splashes all over the IRS agents desk and runs onto the floor. The IRS agent starts jumping up and down with a huge smile on his face.
IRS Agent: "HAHA! YES! You didn't even get close!"
The lawyer puts his head in his hands at this point, shaking it slowly, clearly upset about the incident. The IRS agent looks over at him and asks what is wrong.
Lawyer: "Just before we came in here, Grandpa bet me $25,000 that he could piss on your desk today and you would be happy about it
-
azuroge......Now that was funny......
-
I'd like to start a new award, for February I want to vote Azuroge Jokester Of The Month. -thumbs up-
-
azuroge......Now that was funny......
I aim to please :emot_laughing:
I'd like to start a new award, for February I want to vote Azuroge Jokester Of The Month. -thumbs up-
I am flattered. :emot_beerchug: :sign_thankyou:
But we all need to laugh and smile everyday. It's very healthy. :D
-
While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of
lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."
-
lol The Lesson: Choice your words more carefully :P
-
Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night.. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!
-
"Hello, is this the SAP?" (South African Police)
"e-yes. What you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Fanie van der Merwe! He is hiding dagga (marijuana) inside his firewood."
"e-yes ... Thank you for your co-opershun and informashun in combatting crime and violence, in our society ser."
The next day, the SAP descended on Fanie's house. They search the braai lapa (BBQ area) where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of wood, but find no dagga. They shout and swear at Fanie and leave.
"Hey, Fanie! Did the SAP come?"
"Ja"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"....Ja....."
"Happy Birthday Boet!"
-
During the game of cricket, Coach Rogers called aside little Dave and asked him, "Tell me Dave, you you understand the words co-operation and teamwork?"
Dave nodded in the affirmative.
The coach asked again, "Do you agree that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'
Dave nodded in agreement.
Coach Rogers continued, "Then I am sure you would agree that when a batsman is given out, he shouldn't shout at or argue with the umpire, or call him names. Do you agree to that?"
Little Dave nodded in the affirmative again.
Coach Rogers went on, "And when I take you out of the game so another kid gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsman-spirit to call your coach "a moron or
lunatic" is it?'
Dave shook his head 'No'.
"Good", said coach Rogers, "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother
-
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls
-
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered
'Is that one word or two?'
-
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
-
Jack wasn't thinking ahead. Leaving her handcuffed like that he won't like what he finds when he gets back... ;-)
-
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
-
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
-
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs - enough times and eventually her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile..
"Thank goodness.....
I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never heard the gunshot
-
Edited This post and removed a repost:
A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."
-
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered
'Is that one word or two?'
Déjà vu?
crap i meant to post the other one. hahaha Fail :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Old Mendel Rugelbaum was very old and suffering from a rare disease and could drink only human milk. "How can I get human milk?" Mendel asked the doctor. "Well, Ruby Finkelstein's just had a baby, maybe she'll help." So every day Mendel went to Ruby's house for his daily feed. Ruby was a dark-eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts. One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, "Tell me Mr. Rugelbaum, do you like it?" "Mmmm, wonderful," he sighed. "is there....," she hesitated, her lips parted, eyes aglow, "is there anything else you'd like?" "As a matter of fact there is," murmured Mendel. "What?" Ruby asked breathlessly. Mendel licked his lips. "Got any chocolate chip cookies?"
-
A Cumbrian farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.
His wife says to him, "why don't you put an ad in the paper to get him back".
The farmer does this, but after two weeks, no phone calls, the dog is still missing.
"What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife.
"Here boy," said the farmer.
-
Schalk burst into Van's room to find Van standing on a chair with a rope around his waist and the end of the rope around the ceiling beam.
"Hey Van, what do you think you're doing?" said Schalk.
"I'm committing suicide," replied Van.
"Well you're going about it all wrong," said Schalk. "You're supposed to tie the rope around your neck, not our waist."
"Man, but I tried that yesterday and I nearly choked."
-
Bill walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged man standing at the counter enthusiastically writing addresses on bright pink envelopes covered with hearts.
He then takes out a scent bottle and starts spraying perfume over them. Bill’s curiosity gets the better of him and he walks over to the man and asks him what he’s doing.
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, ‘Guess who?’” says the man.
“Why on earth are you doing that?” asks Bill.
“Because I’m a divorce lawyer.” replies the man.
-
One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
'"Where to?" he stammered.
"Vale Road," answered the woman.
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?'"
"Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?" :roll:
-
OUCH! Big mistake! lol
-
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.
After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants"
-
The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'".
-
A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended
with “tor” and that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
“ Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says,
"That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
“Well, my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
-
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid" , said the woman. The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house. The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife." The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here." A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?"
-
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years
-
Bill and Tom were lifelong members of Alcoholics Anonymous and best friends. One night over coffee after a meeting they came to an agreement that whoever passed away first would find a way to get a messege to the other about if there is A.A. meetings in heaven.
A few years goes by and one day Tom passes away from a heart attack in his later years. A few weeks goes by and Bill is walking down the street sad and mourning Tom's passing. Suddenly Bill hears a Voice... 'Bill....Bill....it's Tom...look up"
Bill looks towards the heavens and says "OMG Tom how is heaven?" Tom replies back, "Heaven is beautiful, I have met Jesus and God, and the angels up here are beautiful, but I have good news and bad news."
Bill replies "Well give me the good news first!", "Well Bill, says Tom, The good news is there are awesome A.A. Meetings up here and they are around the clock and so many sober people up here" "Well give me the bad news then" says Bill.
"Well Bill, replies Tom, The bad news is you're chairing tomorrow night"
-
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years
I love this joke...It's great
Love,
Liz
-
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket, that you demanded that I hand over my wallet to you. Shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan ... She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ...... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat
(I guess while he traced your number etc.)
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex
-
The doctor had just finished giving a man his annual checkup. He asked the man, "Is there anything else you want to discuss?"
"Yes, doctor. I want to see about getting a vasecotomy."
"Well, that's a big decision, said the doctor. Don't you think you should discuss it with your family?"
"We already did, replied the man. The vote was 15 to 2 in favor."
-
Great jokes! Loved the married to Satan's sister one the best.
The one about Social Security, the wife had actually said he'd have gotten Disability too if he dropped his pants, lol
-
One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly a well hung guy runs by wearing
nothing but a bag over his head.
As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, “Well, he’s certainly not my husband.”
As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, “He’s not my husband either.”
He then passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says,
"He's not even a member of this golf club." :roll:
-
A man walks into an adult shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife, to try and spice it up a bit.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $250 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opted for the sheerest item, pays the $250 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and then come down and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing, then she thought "…..I won't put it on - I'll just do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a $250 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs, calling out to her husband and strikes a pose.
The husband says "…Oh my God, it wasn't all creased like that in the shop'.
His funeral is next Thursday.
:roll:
-
Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, my mates' bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
More heavy breathing and another minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
Paddy: 'Yeah, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell Eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street ...' ???
-
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.
After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants"
I remember that joke. You left out the punch line:
She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.""
-
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.
After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants"
I remember that joke. You left out the punch line:
She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.""
Thanks "licks"...typo error...would hate to have people think my mind was wandering...!! :emot_kiss:
-
lol You were a little late Licks. I pointed out the partial punchline earlier. :P
-
yes, a funny apocryphal joke.
Until you realize that the combat marine committed assault with a deadly weapon, theft with a firearm, five counts of credit card fraud, vandalism, two counts of felony threats to a law enforcement officer, a federal felony threatening the POTUS, and possibly was illegally carrying a concealed weapon.
Charitably that's one misdemeanor offense and 11 felonies, one of which is a federal felony.
Since he is a Marine, and they are notoriously hard on those who break the code, he possibly would also face up to 12 years hard time in the brig on top of all that.
Uncharitably, I label this a massive neo-conservative "I wish I was a bad ass" story.
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket, that you demanded that I hand over my wallet to you. Shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan ... She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ...... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat
(I guess while he traced your number etc.)
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex
-
This morning, my wife told me she'd had a dream that I'd given her a diamond necklace for Valentines day. She wanted to know what that meant.
I gave her a smile and said, "We'll just have to wait until Friday."
Wrapping the small package, I can't wait to see the expression on her face when she opens it. Had to go to three bookstores before I found a copy of "What Dreams Mean".
-
He's gonna die...
-
He's gonna die...
LOL....Most likely in the most horrible manner she can think of.
Or as the adage goes:
"What did you get me for Valentines?".
"Close your eyes and what do you see?".
"Nothing".
Question Answered......
Love,
Liz
-
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line.
"How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" he added.
"What? Get the hell out of my cab!!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."
The businessman replied, "Okay," and off they went.
As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
-
Great one, Lippy!
My dad had a friend when I was a kid who told about taking a cab from the airport to a hotel. He gave the driver a bill...the driver gave him his change, then reached back and grabbed his tip. He didn't say anything, but got the drivers number. For the next several days he was in that town, he'd call up and request that driver. He made sure he had lots of change in various denominations. The cab driver got paid the exact fare on each trip, with no tip naturally. True story from early 1950s, but fits here I think
-
I was standing at a bar and this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?"
He says "No, why the fruck you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my fucking beer, you little prick."
-
More great jokes to keep me amused... Thanks Thecia... and everyone...
vinney
-
Only Thecia would have the guts to curse out a little Chinese man, lol
...though almost all Chinese men ARE little... :P
-
Only Thecia would have the guts to curse out a little Chinese man, lol
...though almost all Chinese men ARE little... :P
:-X Now you have started something...look out for Sumo Wrestlers...just saying.
-
Sumo Wrestlers are Japanese. :P
-
This morning, my wife told me she'd had a dream that I'd given her a diamond necklace for Valentines day. She wanted to know what that meant.
I gave her a smile and said, "We'll just have to wait until Friday."
Wrapping the small package, I can't wait to see the expression on her face when she opens it. Had to go to three bookstores before I found a copy of "What Dreams Mean".
I going to use this. That's great.
-
I hope it's in paperback. Hardcover will leave a dent on your forehead. :P
-
I did do something similar to that, but it involved a hot wheel on my daughters sweet 16.
-
"Dad, if that's a sports car it's too small for me!" ;-)
-
A fella stopped me the other day and asked me how to get to Milkjer Boulivard.
Being very familar with the city, I drew a blank. I told him I'd never heard of that street. Could he spell it for me.
"Sure, he said, It's right here on this slip. M - L - K - J - R Boulivard."
-
I'm sure that this has been posted before but here it is anyway.
In the Garden of Eden,
as everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
without any clothes.
In this garden,
were two little leaves,
one covered Adam's,
one covered Eve's.
As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
the wind came along,
and blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
started to rise.
They found a spot,
that suited them best,
a nice big tree,
where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
and wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
and filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
was all wet inside.
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
Then down through the years,
People did screw,
and now it is time,
for me and you.
So pull down your pants,
and lay in the grass,
because I'm in the mood,
for a piece of that ASS!
-
:emot_laughing:
Janus... great poem...
vinney
-
Ditto, great poem.....but, what's the punch line?
-
I had heard the beginning of that Adam and Eve poem but never straight through. Thanks for posting it, Janus!
-
A little boy turns to a little girl in a swimming pool and proclaims, "I'm gonna duck you."
"No, you're not," she says, "you can't even say it right."
-
Precocious children...
Brats lol
-
Little Johnny
Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?
"Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card
and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
And you, Susie?
"I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
-
An older homeless man stumbles into a doctor's office, proceeds to tell the doctor "doc, I was walkin' in the street, mindin' my own business when I turned and a car brushed passed me and knocked my thang right off. I need you to sew it back on. " The intrigued doctor asked "do you have it with you?". "Yup, got it right here in my pocket. ". He reaches into his pocket and pulls out an object. The doctor looks at it and says "that's an old wrinkled cigar." Homeless man says "whoops, wrong pocket" and searches the other pocket, removes another object. The bemused doctor smiles and says "that's another old wrinkled cigar." The horror-stricken homeless man cries out "Shit doc - I smoked my dick!!!"
-
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
-
In keeping with this theme:
Adam blamed Eve
Eve blamed the snake
And, the snake didn't have a leg to stand on.
(groans permitted here)
-
In keeping with this theme:
Adam blamed Eve
Eve blamed the snake
And, the snake didn't have a leg to stand on.
(groans permitted here)
Okay, okay... groan...groan...groan...
vinney :emot_laughing:
-
Little Johnny
Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?
"Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card
and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
And you, Susie?
"I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
HAHA
-
An older homeless man stumbles into a doctor's office, proceeds to tell the doctor "doc, I was walkin' in the street, mindin' my own business when I turned and a car brushed passed me and knocked my thang right off. I need you to sew it back on. " The intrigued doctor asked "do you have it with you?". "Yup, got it right here in my pocket. ". He reaches into his pocket and pulls out an object. The doctor looks at it and says "that's an old wrinkled cigar." Homeless man says "whoops, wrong pocket" and searches the other pocket, removes another object. The bemused doctor smiles and says "that's another old wrinkled cigar." The horror-stricken homeless man cries out "Shit doc - I smoked my dick!!!"
haha They're good today.
-
A dad gets off work unexpectedly early one day and decides to head home to screw his wife. While they're fucking, he hears a noise downstairs, jumps off his wife and runs downstairs wearing nothing but a condom.
There he comes face to face with his eight-year-old son, who says, "We got off school early."
"Me too," says Dad.
The son looks at the condom and asks, "What were you doing?"
Dad thinks fast. "Trying to catch a mouse."
The son thinks for a while and says, "What were you gonna do? Fuck it?"
-
Damned kids! lol And Johnny gets all the girls, lucky punk... ;-)
-
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
-
Came home from the golf course today..
The wife had left a note on the refrigerator:
"IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my mother."
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...
..
What the hell is she talking about? 8) 8)
-
Of course a guy would THINK she meant the fridge...lol
-
Since you're Aussie, Hoss, here's one for you.
Brian and John were out for a hike in the outback when a rattler jumps out of nowhere and bites Brian on the cock. John carried Brian home, puts him on the bed and runs to the phone to call the flying doctor. The doctor gets John to describe the snake and mutters, "Shit!"
"What?" says John.
"I'm not going to have enough time to get there, John. You're gonna have to suck the poison out or your friend is fucked."
John races back to the bed where Brian is lying in agony. Brian looks up at him and says, "What the doc say?"
John shakes his head and says, "He said you're fucked, mate."
-
lol I'm not surprised by the punchline. ;-)
-
A Firm Handshake
At the nursing home, Abe and Edna had struck up a romantic relationship. Since both of them were in their eighties, their physical contact was rather limited. However, every evening as they sat together on the sofa, Edna would unzip Abe's fly, pull out his penis and hold it in her hand for twenty minutes. This satisfied the two of them adequately.
One day, Abe told Edna it was all off. He told her he was leaving her for Mabel - one of the other old dears at the nursing home. Naturally, Edna was a little miffed.
"Heavens! What's she got that I haven't got?'' she asks.
''Parkinson's,'' said Abe.
The Amazing Health Computer
One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
"Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Jeffery figured he had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
“You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.”
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
“Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.
Your daughter's using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife's pregnant - twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”
The Army Hospital
An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"
-
lol Good stuff, Well Behaved Lady! Did someone really perverted hack your account and post those? ;-)
-
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
When you said you had 10 inches, hell I nearly died
But I've spent so many nights looking for a dong that long,
That I grew strong, and I knew I could take you on!
But here you are, another lie
I was hungry for a whopper but you offered a french fry
I should have known that it was nonsense, just a sad pathetic dream
There would be no Anaconda lurking inside of your jeans
Go on now go, walk out the door
Don't make a promise of ten inches then show up with merely four
You were a jerk to think that I'd never find out
Don't you know we're joking when we say that size doesn't count
-
Oh, Lippy. Don't know if I should laugh or cry.
Whole bunch of good ones today. Thanks to all.
-
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
When you said you had 10 inches, hell I nearly died
But I've spent so many nights looking for a dong that long,
That I grew strong, and I knew I could take you on!
But here you are, another lie
I was hungry for a whopper but you offered a french fry
I should have known that it was nonsense, just a sad pathetic dream
There would be no Anaconda lurking inside of your jeans
Go on now go, walk out the door
Don't make a promise of ten inches then show up with merely four
You were a jerk to think that I'd never find out
Don't you know we're joking when we say that size doesn't count
:emot_laughing:
Whilst I had half an inkling that the last line was true Lippy, you could have at least softened the blow for those that didn't know! ;)
-
A man met with a loan officer and asked for a loan to start a new business.
When asked what his business would involve, he told the banker that he was a chemist and had invented a white powder that when sprinkled on pussy, would make it taste like apples.
The banker was irate that this guy would ask for a loan for something so ridiculous. He said it was not only a terrible idea, but it would never make any money.
Months later, the banker is walking down the street and sees the same man get out of a limo at another bank. Bank guards come out with a cart and start unloading bags of money from the trunk of the limo.
Going up to the man, the banker said, "I guess I was wrong, you did have a good idea and we lost out on you being a customer."
The man replied, "No, you were right, it was a stupid idea. Instead I went back to lab and invented a black powder. You sprinkle it on apples and it makes them taste like pussy."
-
A middle aged man and his wife live in a poor part of town and decide to rent out their second bedroom. They advertise and a beautiful young girl enquires about the room. The wife explains that, because it is such an old terraced house, there is no bath in the house so instead they use a big zinc bath in front of the fire in the living room.
The young girl says, "It would be nice to have a bath in front of the open fire at night, but what about your husband?"
The wife replies, "If you have a bath on a Monday or a Friday evening, it will be fine because he always goes out to play darts from about 7 o'clock till after 11pm."
"Okay!" the girl says.
The next night is a Monday so the husband goes out and the wife brings in the zinc bath for the young lady and puts it in front of the fire. When the young lady undresses to get in the bath she notices the wife staring at her naked body. The wife thinks to herself that it's strange that the girl has no pubic hairs.
Later that night when the wife goes to bed she tells her husband about the young lady having no pubic hair.
"It must look very strange and unnatural, are you sure?" says the husband.
The wife says, "I could leave the leave the curtains open just a little bit at the top so that you could peep through and see for your self next time she has a bath."
So the following Friday they get the bath out and the husband goes out to his darts match. The young lady gets undressed and the wife asks, "Where's your pubes love?"
The girl says "Pubes? I've never grown any."
So the wife pulls her knickers down revealing a big bushy fanny with clock springs hanging out and says, "Here, this is what you should have!"
Later that night in bed she is talking to her husband, who seems pissed off, and he says to his wife, "She was lovely, but why on earth did you lift your skirt up and show your minge?"
The wife says, "You must have seen me naked a thousand times, why are you bothered?"
The bloke says, "I have, but the rest of the fucking darts team hadn't."
-
Hey, i'm on his dart team and I sure enjoyed his wife's "minge"!
-
Clock springs????? Do we need to discuss the English speaking English again?
-
Clock springs????? Do we need to discuss the English speaking English again?
Wirey curls
-
The What.??
In American English Please....
:emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
-
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
-
The What.??
In American English Please....
:emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
Pubes Should I show you? on second thoughts, it may take a few months to get them back to that stage :emot_laughing:
Clock springs????? Do we need to discuss the English speaking English again?
Wirey curls
-
Autocorrect....so much fun. Thanks TheciaMarie. And Wubble, thanks for adding to my perv vocabulary. Clock springs, I like it.
Meanwhile from the land of Norwegins...
Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows
'Twenty dollars' she whispers
Ole had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks So they hide in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them It is a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer
'I'm making love to da wife!,' the Ole answers sounding annoyed
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'
'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined dat light in her face.
-
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty.
What's the difference between a bad marksman and a badly constipated owl?
The marksman shoots and shoots and never hits, the owl hoots and hoots and never...
-
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty.
:emot_laughing: brilliant, which reminds me of this
35 Irish sayings and phrases you need to learn before you visit
http://www.irishcentral.com/roots/travel/35-irish-sayings-and-phrases-you-need-to-learn-before-you-visit-221197271-237785021.html
-
A middle aged man and his wife live in a poor part of town and decide to rent out their second bedroom. They advertise and a beautiful young girl enquires about the room. The wife explains that, because it is such an old terraced house, there is no bath in the house so instead they use a big zinc bath in front of the fire in the living room.
The young girl says, "It would be nice to have a bath in front of the open fire at night, but what about your husband?"
The wife replies, "If you have a bath on a Monday or a Friday evening, it will be fine because he always goes out to play darts from about 7 o'clock till after 11pm."
"Okay!" the girl says.
The next night is a Monday so the husband goes out and the wife brings in the zinc bath for the young lady and puts it in front of the fire. When the young lady undresses to get in the bath she notices the wife staring at her naked body. The wife thinks to herself that it's strange that the girl has no pubic hairs.
Later that night when the wife goes to bed she tells her husband about the young lady having no pubic hair.
"It must look very strange and unnatural, are you sure?" says the husband.
The wife says, "I could leave the leave the curtains open just a little bit at the top so that you could peep through and see for your self next time she has a bath."
So the following Friday they get the bath out and the husband goes out to his darts match. The young lady gets undressed and the wife asks, "Where's your pubes love?"
The girl says "Pubes? I've never grown any."
So the wife pulls her knickers down revealing a big bushy fanny with clock springs hanging out and says, "Here, this is what you should have!"
Later that night in bed she is talking to her husband, who seems pissed off, and he says to his wife, "She was lovely, but why on earth did you lift your skirt up and show your minge?"
The wife says, "You must have seen me naked a thousand times, why are you bothered?"
The bloke says, "I have, but the rest of the fucking darts team hadn't."
Splendid joke Wubbs...I laughed out loud.
-
.....Then there was the guy who was an amnesiac, an agnostic and dyslexic.
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
-
lol Loved the dog joke!
-
.....Then there was the guy who was an amnesiac, an agnostic and dyslexic.
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
INSOMNIAC
Was at Dr. before I typed this in. Got my eyes dialiated....guess it went to my brain too. Maybe he did forget to go to sleep also.
-
Charlie Sleeps Over
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. “I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!” “Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now.” “I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. “Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he’ll wake up won’t he? “Sugar, he certainly won’t. If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him.” Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and fucked her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you screwing my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!”
-
That was Charlie Harper, right? lol
-
Good one, TD. Charlie should post in the "How many times have you had sex" thread.
Meanwhile:
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window
on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his
black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the
dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drug Enforcement
Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once
we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the policeman said,
'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'Search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said,
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Labrador sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds,
returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so
again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down
for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the
middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the policeman, 'What's going on?'
The policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
-
Anyone would shit in that situation. ;-)
-
Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Caliber Pistol!
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an "itsy bitsy shooter"
by a woman facing a fierce predator.
Description: A028497EEF274327A409B04551031DFE@Redeye
What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
The 25 cal. Beretta Jetfire:
Description: 29AB41DD02F545C0BF41A20CC8B3B983@Redeye
Here's her story:
While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my husband we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere.
She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my husband's knee cap was all it took.
The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
-
Not a lady I want to go for a walk with. Thanks TheciaMarie
-
Cojones de Torro
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, ‘What is that you just served?’
The waiter replied, ‘Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!’
The cowboy said, ‘What the heck, bring me an order.’
The waiter replied, ‘I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.’
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, ‘These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.’
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, ‘Si Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.’
-
Hot and Cold Sex
After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly . . . and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
When the doctor examined his elderly wife later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Well, your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time . . . and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea why?'
"Oh, that crazy old bastard!!!'' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.
-
“Big Busted Women...”
-can get a taxi on the worst days
-have a neat place to carry spare change
-have always been the center of the arts
-make jogging a spectator sport
-can keep a magazine dry while lying in the tub
-have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
-usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
-can always carry a little extra
-always float better
-know where to look first for lost earrings
-rarely have to look for a slow dance partner
-have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
“Small Busted Women...”
-don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
-always look younger
-find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
-can always see their toes and shoes
-can sleep on their stomachs
-have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
-know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
-know that everything more than a handful is wasted
-can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
-can take aerobics class without running the risk of knocking themselves out
-can hug closer, nicer, and longer
-
Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "
What did you do that for ?"
Tarzan replied, " Just checking for squirrel..."
-------------------
The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:
Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.
Fact: 1 lonely fucker is reading this... You hang in there, Sunshine
-
I feel bad for Jane...
-
Creative Advertising...
An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section :
This bloke deserved to receive a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!
Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327 :roll:
-
I feel bad for Jane...
That's what you can expect from a knotty fucker.
-
Hey, Hoss, which were supposed to be lines 1, 3 and 5? :P I think you bunched it all together... ;-)
-
Hey, Hoss, which were supposed to be lines 1, 3 and 5? :P I think you bunched it all together... ;-)
G-guy, it works on a regular monitor.
-
Rodeo
Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the “rodeo”. The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it? The first cowboy says, “You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she’s really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear : “Your sister likes this position too.”
Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.
-
TD, you made my day,still can't stop laughing!!
-
A glamourous woman takes up temping in an office full of horny blokes.
When she arrives, they all start ogling her. She smiles and says "If you all give me a pound each, I'll show you my legs." So they all give her a pound and she hitches up her skirt.
Next, she says "If you all give me a tenner each, I'll show you some cleavage." So they all pay her again, and she pulls her top down to show off her cleavage.
Then she says "Give me a hundred pounds each, and I'll show you where I'll have my hysterectomy." This time, they can't hand over the money fast enough. She reaches for her skirt, takes a photograph of a hospital from her pocket and says "That's where I'll have it done."
There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."
-
Helpful Nun
A Soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
He asked her, “Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I’ll explain WHY later.”
The nun agreed to his request.
Shortly thereafter, the two Military Police came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.
She replied, “He went that way.”
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt And said, “I can’t thank you enough Sister, but you see I don’t want to go To Iraq.”
The nun said she can fully understand the fear.
The soldier added, “I hope you don’t think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I’ve ever seen.
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you’ve ever seen! I don’t want to go to Iraq either.”
-
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
-
...said the husband before the wife took away his own eyesight... :P
-
...said the husband before the wife took away his own eyesight... :P
And then the fight broke out....
Love,
Liz
-
Love it too funny!
-
Hey, Liz, kind of hard to fight when one is blind. :P
-
Hey, Hoss, which were supposed to be lines 1, 3 and 5? :P I think you bunched it all together... ;-)
May not have worked if you were accessing on an I-phone or the like...
Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
king without getting too serious.
Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
-
lol Good one, Hoss!
-
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson , the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
-
Damn it, Pookie, we keep changing your job because you keep fucking up. :P
-
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1958 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"The TWIST, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
-
Those were two really good ones, had me laughing that's for sure.
-
Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, When you die, I´m getting you a headstone that reads, ´Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever´.
Yeah she replies, When you die, I´m getting you a headstone that reads, Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.´
-
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking around with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking around with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
-
..one to start the day - sage advice for world travellers.... :emot_laughing:
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
-
Thanks Hoss. Great example of something being lost in translation.
Several years ago in Mexico, we heard of a couple with a child who got sick. They took him to the local hospital. They asked about getting the child "a shot". The staff got very agitated....they were thinking they wanted the kid shot!
-
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
-
Either she needs to get with the times or he's just too frickin' old to be acting that way. ;-)
-
A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.
While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimize the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realize that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.
I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW
P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still today, I am waiting for you upstairs."
-
I'm letting that joke speak for itself. ;-)
-
There is a new grass roots movement to find a settlement to the Ukraine situation. If the Crimeans vote to secede and join with Russia, it's proposed that they use the major river in the area as a new boundary.
We're all familiar with that river of course. It's the Crimea River. :emot_laughing:
What, no one's laughing. Oh, wait, you have to read this one out loud. Now I know why I can't make it as a stand-up comic on line.
-
::: rimshot :::
On your knees with your butt in the air.
-
That was bad! The pun police will get you for that!
-
A blonde flying with a pilot who has a heart attack and dies...
She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
I don't know how to fly. Help me! Oh my God, Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is the Oakland Center. I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this.".
'Now, just take a deep breath.Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio....
"Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . .."
-
Ouch. A political joke, heehee ;-)
-
:) yea, wasn't sure if I shoyld put it here or in politics, but I got a good chuckle out od it.
-
Ouch. A political joke, heehee ;-)
Was that joke over your heads?
It was a BLONDE joke.
He asked for her height and position - altitude and geographic location.
Yeeesh, do I have to explain ALL. The jokes for you two?
-
Ouch. A political joke, heehee ;-)
Was that joke over your heads?
It was a BLONDE joke.
He asked for her height and position - altitude and geographic location.
Yeeesh, do I have to explain ALL. The jokes for you two?
What's worse than a blonde woman?.....a blonde man.!!
Love,
Liz
-
The joke was because she supported Obama she didn't deserve to live.
-
The joke was she didn't give her altitude and location. He couldn't help her G if she couldn't tell him either of those things.
-
great analasys,,
now lets try this one: why did the chiken cross the road?
-
great analasys,,
now lets try this one: why did the chiken cross the road?
Because it wanted to get to the C.
-
I'm reaching out on behalf of an old golf buddy of mine who needs some help! His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her some diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help.
-
Then she shouldn't have told him to do something if she didn't like the results. ;-)
-
The joke was because she supported Obama she didn't deserve to live.
I ... ummm ... don't think so personally.
-
TinyDancer,,
I read your post, sat there with a puzzled look, the laughed my ass off!
awesome!
-
It was a "dumb blonde" joke and an Obama joke all in one, Chloe, neither of which types of joke I particularly care for. -shrugs-
-
As far as a political joke goes, it failed miserably.
But that could be attributed to fuzzy conservative thinking.
;)
-
Or over-analysis.
-
They say 'A little bit of what you fancy never hurts you'.
Unless you're a sado masochist..
-
Worlds largest banana company created.
King Kong said to be delighted.
-
I said to my friend, "I saw my ex-wife whilst crossing the road today."
"Did she recognise you?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied, "but luckily I managed to jump out of the way just in time."
-
My wife was in a panic earlier: "I've lost my sex tape!" she screamed. "It'll end up on You tube, I bet."
"Oh my god, I'll end up getting slaughtered if anyone sees me," I said, panicking.
"You're not in it, you idiot," she replied.
-
A redneck from Georgia decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see god's country. When
he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay.
But first he must find
a job!!!!
He walks into the international paper company office and fills out an
application as an experienced log inspector.
It's his lucky day!!!
They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into
the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree "see that tree over
there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The redneck promptly answers, "that thar's a whitepine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."
The foreman is impressed!!! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He
points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question.
This time, it's
a bigger tree of a different class.
"that's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet."
The foreman is really impressed with the good ol' boy, he has been quick and got the answers
right without using a calculator!!!!
One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again.. This
time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "and what about that
one?"
Before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, "white oak, 242 board feet at best."
The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he
thinks the red neck is smarter than he is. As they near the office, another foreman stops the
truck and asks Bubba to step outside.
He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "see that tree over there?" "i want you to mark an x
on the front of that tree!!"
The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?"
When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then
reaches up and places a white x on the trunk.
He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "that thar's the front," the redneck says.
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically,
"How in the hell do you know that's the
front of the tree?"
The good ol' boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in
the gravel and replies, "cuz somebody took a crap behind it!"
He got the job
--
-
You really have to be from the Low Country of GA & SC to really appreciate this joke!
-
I got it just fine, lol
-
After getting his job in Virginia as a log inspector, Bubba went back to Georgia. Now that he had money coming in, he was gonna get hitched to his sweetheart, from across the hollar.
Bubba got home and asked for his honey's hand in marriage. They sobered up the preacher man and held a quick wedding. For their honeymoon, a used camper was rented and Bubba and his bride went off for a night of frolicing before having to go back to work.
After a few beers to celebrate, the happy couple put out the lantern and headed for bed. After a short while, Bubba jumped out of bed, dressed and told his wife to get in the pick-up. He drove her to her folks home, kicked her out of the truck and said he never wanted to see her again.
Going home, Bubba told his family what he'd done. Pappy wanted to know what happened, they'd seemed to happy after the wedding.
Bubba said, "Pappy, when we got to the marriage bed and started to fool around, I found out she was a virgin."
Pappy drawled, Ya done the right thing son. If'n she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't any good for you neither."
-
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
-
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
He should get points for this. If he commented on her dress size, all hell would have broken loose.
-
Reporters from the Jewish Chronicle are interviewing Sadie, who is celebrating her 108th birthday.
"Sadie, dear, can you please tell us what you think is the best thing about being 108? I'm sure our readers would love to know," one of the reporters asks.
Sadie replies, "There's no peer pressure."
-
lol The wife should have been a little more explanatory... :P
-
There's this couple doing yard work and the wife stops to go up and take a shower..... so the guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out the upstairs bathroom window `wheres the rake?. she cant hear him. so he points to his eye, points to his knee [need] and then makes raking motions. What? she yells. So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods like she gets it and then points to her eye, points to her left breast, points to her ass and then to her crotch. Her husband is totally confused so he goes in the house and upstairs and leans around the corner what did you say? She says "I SAID: eye, left tit, behind, the bush."
-
A man received the following text message from his neighbor:
"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to make a confession. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. I can't get any from mine at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man, feeling anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife dead.
A few moments later, a second text arrived from the same neighbor:
"That damn autocorrect. I was trying to type 'wi-fi', not 'wife' - sorry about any confusion."
-
Visited my wife in Rehab today. Two week tomorrow since she broke one ankle and fractured the other. She wanted to sue, but our lawyer said she didn't have a leg to stand on.
Anyway...she's doing well and can now walk short distances with a walker. They even had her bake cookies today. On to the jokes. We went to the rehab area where they even have a car to practice getting in and out. In the hall was a whiteboard for people to write jokes.
Laughter is the best medicine. So.....
Q. What did Tigger see when he looked in the toilet?
A. Pooh
Q. Why DIDN'T the skeleton cross the road?
A. No guts.
Q. How many ears does Spock have?
A. Three, one on left and right side of his head and the new front-ear.
All I remember now. Sorry, I'm old.
-
lol Funny! Thanks for sharing.
-
You're old? So did you fight off dinosaurs while walking to school in the blinding blizzard?
My dad claims he did that, 10 miles, uphill both ways, and the sand was always blowing in his eyes.
-
The children filed into class on a Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, and then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. “I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly. ”My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. “I sold magazines,” she said. “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Very good, Debbie,” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said.
“$2,467!” cried the teacher. “What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.
“Toothbrushes,” echoed the teacher. “How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”
They all said the same thing. “Hey, this tastes like dog poop!”
Then I would say, “It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”
I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it’s free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth.”
Little Johnny got five stars.
-
You're old? So did you fight off dinosaurs while walking to school in the blinding blizzard?
My dad claims he did that, 10 miles, uphill both ways, and the sand was always blowing in his eyes.
You forgot.....Your dad did his homework by candle light.
:D
Love,
Liz
-
Liz & Katie,
I grew up (well came of age) in the 50s & 60s. We had some clunky school buses that most of the time could bust through the drifts of snow. It was modern times. Did homework by the light of the TV (black & white)
My grandfather did walk a couple miles to a one room school in the country. Older kids were beyond rowdy. The teacher packed a six shooter. Not a joke.
-
Liz & Katie,
I grew up (well came of age) in the 50s & 60s. We had some clunky school buses that most of the time could bust through the drifts of snow. It was modern times. Did homework by the light of the TV (black & white)
My grandfather did walk a couple miles to a one room school in the country. Older kids were beyond rowdy. The teacher packed a six shooter. Not a joke.
My Grandfather grew up in texas, he rode a horse to school.
When he finished school, he went to work on the railroad.
When he finally retired from the Union Pacific he was a station master for them.
Love,
Liz
-
Liz & Katie,
I grew up (well came of age) in the 50s & 60s. We had some clunky school buses that most of the time could bust through the drifts of snow. It was modern times. Did homework by the light of the TV (black & white)
My grandfather did walk a couple miles to a one room school in the country. Older kids were beyond rowdy. The teacher packed a six shooter. Not a joke.
A friend that grew up in rural Georgia told me about teachers packing heat. Serious stuff, like .44 magnum six shooters.
-
You're old? So did you fight off dinosaurs while walking to school in the blinding blizzard?
My dad claims he did that, 10 miles, uphill both ways, and the sand was always blowing in his eyes.
You forgot.....Your dad did his homework by candle light.
:D
Love,
Liz
they didn't have candles. He had to do it by starlight and had to pay for the energy used.
-
:emot_laughing:
Thats all I can say........
Love,
Liz
-
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
-
Senior tax return
I just received an audit on my tax return for 2012 back
from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question:
"List all dependents?"
I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack
heads;
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons;
Half of Mexico ; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and
Senate."
1 useless President.
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer..
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO The Hell DID I MISS?
-
Did you include your own kids????
-
Southern cops have a way with words
These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
( National Crime Information Center)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-
Well, I shure luved those Suthern poe - lease man jokes, yu betcha!
-
Not sure if this is a repeat, but made me laugh.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
-
Great one! I was waiting for the judge to get in on it... :P
-
I agree GG. Easy the see the Judge was a wise man.
-
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean; but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food
every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship’s hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain, during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
-
Old but still funny!
Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting & wanted to go out & party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some girls.
Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman called Green Lantern to see if wanted to grab a couple of beers. Green Lantern told him he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder woman's apartment to see If she was free.
As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open.
Superman thought to himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex & out again before she knew what was happening."
So Superman did his super thing in a split second & flies off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder woman said "Did you hear anything?"
"NO"! said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!"
-
And, men wonder why the have so much trouble understanding women.
* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Betty.
* Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me,
just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
* My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?"
The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
-
I woo'd ya slave but my phone messed up in the middle of it. Lol
-
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am." The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
-
:emot_laughing: Thanks for an early morning laugh, WBL. When will men ever learn the woman alway comes out on top.
-
Doctors warn against erections lasting over four hours. Hell, I had one that lasted four years. It was called puberty.
-
Morris is on his deathbed, ...surrounded by his wife and children,
he knows the end is near.
So he says: "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Ruth, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse happens to overhear this, and is just blown away.
She says, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been a very hardworking man to have accumulated all this property."
Ruth replies, "Property?.......
This asshole has a paper route!"
-
If you had to choose between FIFA 14 and your girlfriend, what team would you start as?
-
I was pulling my boxers off prior to getting into bed the other night, my wife says you spoil those dogs!
-
SPELLS HARRY POTTER ONLY DOES WHEN HIS FRIENDS AREN'T AROUND
"Erectus Manicus!"
-poof-
"All right!"
LATER...
"Erectus Blackmanicus!"
-poof-
"WOW!!!"
-
I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.
So now enjoy!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. Well, if I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
15. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
16. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
17. You do not need a parachute to sky dive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
27. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
-
I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.
So now enjoy!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. Well, if I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
15. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
16. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
17. You do not need a parachute to sky dive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
27. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
I love It..so many of these I could use in day to day living.
:D
Love,
Liz
-
I love It..so many of these I could use in day to day living.
:D
Love,
Liz
Totally agree....They are perfect.
-
Splinters in Her Crotch!
A woman who was a tree hugging greenie purchased a piece of forest near Collie, WA .
There was a large tree in one of the highest parts of her forest. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the local casualty department to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He looked at her and said:
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Department of Land, Water and Biodiversity Conservation before I could remove some old-growth timber from a recreational area adjacent to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Christine Milne and her Green Party policies, they turned me down!"
-
Omg so fucking funny thanks for the laugh
-
(http://i.imgur.com/zbEv5zO.jpg) (http://imgur.com/zbEv5zO)
-
(http://i.imgur.com/zbEv5zO.jpg) (http://imgur.com/zbEv5zO)
:emot_laughing:
-
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,
"Is that one word or two?"
-
Guy is driving down a back road and sees a car parked on the shoulder.
He stops and sees a guy and a girl in the car.
So he yells over "out of gas?", guy says "no"
He yells over "engine trouble?" guy says "no".
He yells over "tire down? Guys say "didn't have to"
-
A little Irish boy about 12 years old is walking
down the street dragging a flattened frog on
a string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill
repute and knocked on the door. When the
Madam answered it, she saw the little boy
and asked what he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the
women inside. I have the money to buy it,
and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told
him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick
any of the girls he liked.
He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any
diseases?'
Of course the Madam said 'No'.
The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking
about having to get shots after making love
with Amber- THAT'S the girl I want!'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had
the money to pay for it, the Madam told him
to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the
squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later
he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did
you pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
Instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when
I get home, my parents are going out to a
restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter
will have sex with me because she just happens
to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then
get the disease that I just caught. When Mom
and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter
home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car
and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets
home from the babysitter's, he and Mom will
go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the
Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie
with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son of a bitch who ran over my FROG!'
-
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my
possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!'
-
Hey, a blind policeman is better than no policeman. lol
-
At the end of the tax year, the HMRC sent a tax inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the taxman was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said: “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. I imagine there's a lot of wastage there. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
"Oh," replied the taxman, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
However, he was now well mounted on his favourite hobby horse and ready to be critical.“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, who actually hadn't a clue, but rising to the challenge. "We save that too, and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."
"My, my, an answer for everything!" responded the auditor, who also fancied himself a bit of a wit. "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
-
:emot_laughing: Oldie but goodie, Vinney. I still love it.
-
I agree, Vinney, that was hilarious!
-
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
-
Husband’s Message (by cellphone):
Honey, a car hit me outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.
They're taking tests and also X-rays
The Dr. said the blow to my head was very hard, fortunately it did not cause any death threating injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife’s Response:
Who is Paula?
-
Joke deleted, because it simply sucked...even for this board. And, adding a member's name took it even lower. If you didn't see it, you didn't miss anything. For those who read it, my apologies.
There's no excuse. My bad judgement was a result of a night of joy, preparing for a colonscopy and guzzling down two liters of a very effective laxative. Some of my brains may have been evacuated too, as many times I have my head up my ass. No, they didn't find it during the colonoscopy.
-
Janus approaches a woman standing on the railing of the bridge. What are you doing ? She replies, "I have nothing to live for.....". The man asks... "lets have sex before you jump". Forelorn woman yells "You are a pervert.... I want nothing to do with you!"
Homeless man replies.... "suit yourself, I'll just wait for you down below".
EEEEEWWWWWWWW.........
Love,
Liz
-
I have to agree with Liz. Even that would be below Janus' "standards".
-
A retired man owned his home with hardwood flooring in ever room.
Every once in a while his wife decides to get on her hands on knees to scrub the floors by hand.
As the day wears on, the wife finally reaches the living room where the husband is watching the news.
Rising from his favorite chair he says "I can't bare to see you work so hard. I'm going to a movie."
-
Irish blonde...
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She
seemed
a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of
the
dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new
clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes!
I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I
don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all
men...are men!
-
A husband is sitting in his favorite chair, lighting his pipe. His wife is reading the newspaper with a perplexed look on her face.
"Strange..."
"What is, dear?" Asks the husband.
"They have a new book on Marital Happiness listed under Science Fiction."
-
AT LAST !---BLONDE MAN JOKES
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and
I've just wet mine."
------------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND. "
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
vinney
-
Thanks Vinney. You blond? Just wondering. ;D
-
Thanks Vinney. You blond? Just wondering. ;D
Used to be... now it's silverish... and that's just my hair...!! ;D
vinney
-
:emot_laughing:
-
BY-THE-WAY ..........
Women Make Better Assassins....
The CIA recently had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair... kill her!!!"...
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said, "I had to kill him with the chair!"
-
Some people will do ANYTHING to get a job! :P
-
Laugh Of The Day!
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantag es However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high
enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
-
Good one TheciaMarie. :D This lad has the makings of a good politician.
-
You have to understand that technology is so amazing to us. We have to learn to work with it.
Texting, for instance:
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon while shopping the wife decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
Isn't that so sweet?
-
Depends on whether he's doing number one or number two... :P
-
Fred & ol’ Butch
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.
He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pullet Surprise” as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.
-
Janus approaches a woman standing on the railing of the bridge. What are you doing ? She replies, "I have nothing to live for.....". The man asks... "lets have sex before you jump". Forelorn woman yells "You are a pervert.... I want nothing to do with you!"
Homeless man replies.... "suit yourself, I'll just wait for you down below".
EEEEEWWWWWWWW.........
Love,
Liz
I thought it was a cute joke. It certainly wasn't offensive.
Thanks for thinking about me. :D
-
Then you should re-read the joke Janus, because I agree with. -hurls-
-
A Prayer for Holy Week
Dear God,
We ask you to please watch over the poor unfortunate man
who told his wife he was going to China on Malaysian Airlines Flight 370
and now cannot leave his girlfriend's apartment.
Amen
-
Wasn't the unfortunate man lucky... or not...?
vinney
-
Two Trees and a Woodpecker
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but
here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is
that tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands othe
sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.
-
So much for a clean joke, lol ;-)
-
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley, "maybe we will see what we can do."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
-
>>
>> Subject: Nick The Dragon Slayer
>>
>> Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
>>
>> The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching. powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their. chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.
>>
>> Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .
>>
>> The moral of the story - Pay your bills !!!
-
Good moral, Thecia.
But, what if Nick is Bi? This is a perv board ya know :emot_laughing:
-
Horatio didn't give him the antidote for the King.
-
Oh, right. OK, bi/masochist
-
Two blondes go fishing. They row their boat out to what the figure is a good spot and drop their lines.
But they catch nothing.
Hours pass. "Let's try another spot."
So they row elsewhere.
They catch a lot of fish.
"This is great! We need to come back to this spot again!"
"Yeah! Let's mark this spot!"
So they mark the bottom of the boat.
-
HAH! I had those gals beat. I'd throw a plastic bottle out to mark my spot. Nobody told me I was suppose to anchor it to the bottom of the lake.
When I lived "Up North" in Minnesota, old Earl, a well know rascal, came into the bait shop with an 10 pound walleye. Gus, the local game warden was there and everyone remarked about what a great catch Earl had. Asked where he caught the fish, Earl said, "I was out on Puposky Lake, north of town.
The game warden scoffed and said that lake could never produce a walleye that big. Earl had to defend his honor and told Gus he could come out with him and see for himself.
Next morning the pair were out on the lake. Earl took them out to the center and said, "Let's get started." With that, he opened his tackle box and took out a stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and tossed it in the water.
BOOOOOOOOOM!!! Went the explosive. A large spray of water drenched the two fishermen. Around them were dozens of fish, stunned and blown to the surface. Earl grabbed his net and started scooping them in.
Gus was speachless and ready to blow a gasket. He told Earl he should arrest him on the spot. It was illegal, unsportsman like, and, and.....
While the game warden was still sputtering, Earl took another stick of dynamite, lit it and handed it to Gus.
He said, "Are you gonna talk or fish?"
-
I guess i'll fish...lol
-
Official News Report
Today, an unnamed spokesman for the Muppets admitted this to the press. Miss Piggy can not count to 70.
Every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.
-30-
-
Official News Report
Today, an unnamed spokesman for the Muppets admitted this to the press. Miss Piggy can not count to 70.
Every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.
-30-
Love it...!!
vinney
:emot_laughing:
-
> A bit naughty but funny.....
> Subject: No Sense of Humor examples:
>
> A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey,
> don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NOOOOO, you said that might hurt!"
>
>
> I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose
> job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me
> enough! But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts!!! Women, I
> can't figure them out!
>
>
> A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, I don't mean to be rude but he
> doesn't look anything like my son. The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said I don't mean to
> be rude either, but this is a pussy...not a fucking photo-copier.
>
>
> I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like; "I'm tired, I'm washing
> my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister...
>
>
> Dear Dr. Phil,
> I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I
> was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is
> she a pervert or what?
-
Thecia, those were great.... I really liked the last one. Woo
-
Dr. Phil says Yes your wife is a pervert. ;-)
-
Dr. Phil says Yes your wife is a pervert. ;-)
But so are you, and that makes your judgement here suspect.
-
Well you don't want to know what Dr. Phil said about you... ;-)
-
Lies and damned lies.
-
I won't tell Dr. Phil you said that. ;-)
-
I just called him up.
-
Lies and damned lies.
I can vouch for Katie.....
Love,
Liz
-
Dr. Phil had some things to say about you too... ;-)
-
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.'
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard
-
Dr. Phil had some things to say about you too... ;-)
You and Dr. Phil can both " BITE ME" .
Love,
Liz
:emot_laughing:
-
ON THE NEXT DR. PHIL:
A FEMALE HORSE TRAINER FROM NEW JERSEY AND HER FETISH WITH BEING BITTEN
;-)
-
ON THE NEXT DR. PHIL:
A FEMALE HORSE TRAINER FROM NEW JERSEY AND HER FETISH WITH BEING BITTEN
;-)
I've never watched Dr. Phil's show. This would get me to tune in tho'.
Will Liz point on where she likes to be bitten?
-
Careful, guys. Liz May contract me for nuisance removal. Should I bring the one with the sharp pointy thing on it?
-
Careful, guys. Liz May contract me for nuisance removal. Should I bring the one with the sharp pointy thing on it?
By all means Katie...I'll pay all expenses and first class air fare.
However I do have one request: "Terminate them with extreme prejudice"
:D
Love,
Liz
-
It's hard gauge what Liz will do on live television. One word and she could blow a gasket. ;-) lol
-
It's hard gauge what Liz will do on live television. One word and she could blow a gasket. ;-) lol
LOL...LOL...LOL..............
"BLOW THIS"
Love,
Liz
-
That speaks volumes, Liz... ;-)
-
That speaks volumes, Liz... ;-)
NO IT DOES NOT!!!
:D
Love,
Liz
-
Sure it does. You said "BLOW THIS". Now we know the truth. :P
-
Sure it does. You said "BLOW THIS". Now we know the truth. :P
LOL....as a repeated quote "You Don't Know Jack".......LOL
:emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
-
Is Jack your real name? ;-)
-
BURIAL PLANS
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died, when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
(HERE IT COMES!!!)
The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."
-
Who's he going to ask directions from anyways??? :P
-
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with." He thought "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
Heart-warming stories like this just make me want to cry...
-
THE GOOD DOCTOR
A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated
Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So,
she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.
Dr. Bumbutu advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest
and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies,
I want
bigger boobies!"
She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement
she grew a terrific D-cup rack!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic
realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the
little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the
bus
closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger
boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, "Are you a patient of Dr
Bumbutu's?"
Yes I am. How did you know?
He winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock . . ."
-
lol Crazy people!
-
Thecia! What's the rest of the rhyme? It may help me. :emot_laughing:
-
Italian Virginity test
Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit¦ a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Mario asks, "So, what do I do with these things, doc?
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!', ...you hit her with the shovel.
-
Drunk people go through STOP signs
High people stop and wait for it to turn green!
-
Actually happened at the local McDonald's.
Car with three guys goes through the drive through.
They order 300 cheeseburgers, and 1 diet coke.
Restaurant calls the police instead, all three arrested for being under the influence of a narcotic.
Love,
Liz
-
Actually happened at the local McDonald's.
Car with three guys goes through the drive through.
They order 300 cheeseburgers, and 1 diet coke.
Restaurant calls the police instead, all three arrested for being under the influence of a narcotic.
Love,
Liz
Must of have happened in Colorado!
-
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR..
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'
MEN NEVER LISTEN
-
An oldie but a great oldie... :emot_laughing:
vinney
-
WHAT THE HELL GOOD DOES HIS PENIS DO HIM UNDER HIS PILLOW?!? ;-)
-
WHAT THE HELL GOOD DOES HIS PENIS DO HIM UNDER HIS PILLOW?!? ;-)
he's all set for the dick fairy.
-
And what's the "dick fairy" going to give him(her)? ;-)
-
WHAT THE HELL GOOD DOES HIS PENIS DO HIM UNDER HIS PILLOW?!? ;-)
The tooth fairy has a new agenda.!!!!
:emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
-
WHAT THE HELL GOOD DOES HIS PENIS DO HIM UNDER HIS PILLOW?!? ;-)
The tooth fairy has a new agenda.!!!!
:emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
Nice one Liz...
vinney
-
A blonde heard that bathing in milk would make her beautiful.
So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
.......You know where this is going.....
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits.... I can splash it on my eyes!
-
I thought he was offering to pasteurize the milk for her... ;-)
-
Ooooooh. Pasturize, that involves a lot of heat.
-
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
-
The National Poetry Contest had
come down to two semi-finalists:
A Yale graduate, and an Irish man.
They were given a single word, then allowed
two minutes to come up with a poem
contained the word.
The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU!"
The Yale graduate stepped to the microphone and said:
"'SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND,
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO,
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU."
The crowd went crazy! No way could the
Irishman top that, they thought.
The Irish man calmly made his way to the
microphone and recited his poem:
"ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET T'REE WOMEN IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU!"
-
Thanks Thecia. You've added greatly to the cultural experiences I receive from this site. :emot_laughing:
-
And of course my fellow Irishman won. Unless it was rigged. ;-)
-
Two little old ladies, Connie & Evelyn were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Connie, leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'
'You're on!' said Evelyn, holding up a $10.00 bill.
So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
'What happened?' askedEvalyn.
'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement.. !'
-
Ouch! Another shivelled up old lady joke. :P lol
-
I'm fair game for shriveled up old man jokes too. :-[
-
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
-
You're on form with your jokes msslave... made me... :emot_laughing:
vinney
-
The Joys of Getting Older
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
-
I was drinking and a bar and really, really needed to use the restroom
The men's was full and I really had to go so I snuck into the woman's restroom
I pulled out my penis and just before I could pee, a woman came up behind me and said "excuse me..this is for women only"
I turned around and said "so is this"
-
Good answer! ;-) lol
-
G rated.
A wife searching for her husband finds him in the kitchen waving a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I am hunting flies" he replied
"Having any luck?"
"So far, I have swatted 3 male flies and 2 female flies"
"Oh, and how can you tell the difference?"
"Easy, 3 were on the beer can and 2 were on the phone".
(insert smiley face or emoticon of hurling)
-
"Easy, 3 were on the beer can and 2 were on the phone".
(insert smiley face or emoticon of hurling)
:emot_laughing:
I thought it was quite entertaining. :D
-
Those female flies LOVE talking on the phone. ;-)
-
Those female flies LOVE talking on the phone. ;-)
Those female flies LOVE talking on the phone. ;-)
Those female flies LOVE talking on the phone. ;-)
It's called communicating, you Neanderthal.
;)
-
Guy: Hey, Joe! Wanna hang out?
Joe: Sure, man!
Guy: Be over in 5! (hangs up)
A woman will be on the phone with the same woman twelve hours straight. :P lol
-
“A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next several months, he saw her doing this often. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning differently. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, and started stroking himself, moaning, "I need a bike! I need a bike!”
-
I wonder what mom will say when she sees and hears that! lol
-
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
-
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
He must have been Bug-gered...
vinney
-
Great comeback line, Vinney.....if you're British. :emot_laughing:
-
Great comeback line, Vinney.....if you're British. :emot_laughing:
Of course I am... ;D
vinney
-
What,s the difference between oooooh and aaaaah ?.
About 3 inches.
What,s the difference between being hungry and being horny.?
Where you put the cucumber.
-
Great short jokes, WOO!
-
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked,
'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'
The little boy nodded 'yes'.
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse,
attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that? '
The little boy nodded 'yes' again.
He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too,
it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or shithead" is it?'
The little boy shook his head 'NO'.
'GOOD', said the coach . . . 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!'
-
Little old granny always was an inspiration! :P lol
-
"The Difference Between An Opinion And A Beer"?
I Asked For The Beer..............
Love,
Liz
-
How can you tell if a man is blind at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard. 8)
-
Good collection of two liners. Thanks everyone. :emot_laughing:
-
The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my
aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to
turn your clock back".
-
Hey, didn't you hear? It's the new craze, everyone wants black cock. :P
-
Hey, didn't you hear? It's the new craze, everyone wants black cock. :P
Everyone...? :o
vinney
-
That's what I hear. :P
-
Elephant: Why do you have 2 boobs on your back?
Camel: Thats a silly question coming from someone who has a dick on his face!
-
(http://i62.tinypic.com/35lccah.jpg)
True... very true...
vinney
-
Vinney, how long did you stare at your thumb?
-
Vinney can't come to the keyboard right now, he is busy using his thumb to measure things....
-
My thumb is longer than my penis. Just goes to show ya...you can't trust the internet!!!
-
(http://i.imgur.com/4GMsR9g.jpg) (http://imgur.com/4GMsR9g)
-
Vinney, how long did you stare at your thumb?
How LONG...? I'm still staring at the damned thing...
vinney
-
Vinney can't come to the keyboard right now, he is busy using his thumb to measure things....
Too right...
vinney
-
(http://i.imgur.com/4GMsR9g.jpg) (http://imgur.com/4GMsR9g)
Someone asked earlier about a Darwin Award. I do believe this qualifies.
-
My thumb is longer than my penis. Just goes to show ya...you can't trust the internet!!!
You sure you got that the right way round... or... maybe... if you get excited your thumb will get the hard on... :emot_laughing:
vinney
-
(http://i.imgur.com/4GMsR9g.jpg) (http://imgur.com/4GMsR9g)
Someone asked earlier about a Darwin Award. I do believe this qualifies.
Why thankyou RHL...
vinney
-
I read an article somewhere on the internet about how to improve your cunnilingus technique and it suggested writing out the letters of the alphabet with your tongue on your wife's clitoris.
She's left me for a chinese man.
-
Sure, his wife traded up for a talented tongue AND a 2" cock. ;-) lol
-
What "Orgasm" stands for to girls:
O: Omg yes!
R: Rub my clit harder!
G: Get it in deeper!
A: Awesome!!!
S: Spank my ass!
M: Mmmmmm.....
-
"When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck... 'cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!"
- Chris Rock
-
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE".
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS: "IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!"
-
Ann Summers has announced it's going to start selling a lager-flavoured gel that is 5.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their pussy's, in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex.
Campaigners have condemned the move, because of fears that it will lead to 24-hour minge drinking.
-
There are two statues in a park;
One of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions...This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
-
One Monday morning the postman was riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the home owner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the postman commented.
David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 oclock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'
The postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole cut in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is...'
The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times.'
-
A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot. "No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. "No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."
So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked. "Viagra," she replied. "I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer." "It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
-
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those who have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the end of this list:
... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
... The batteries were given out free of charge.
... A dentist and a manicurist married.
They fought tooth and nail.
... A will is a dead giveaway.
... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
... A boiled egg is hard to beat.
... When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
... Police were called to a daycare center where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.
... Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side
was cut off? He's all right now.
... A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine
is now fully recovered.
... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
... When she saw her first strands of grey hair
she thought she'd dye.
... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the wretched crop:
... Those who get too big for their pants
will be exposed in the end.
-
Redneck Hunter.........
I shot my first turkey today,
It was in the frozen food section of the supermarket.
Everybody started screaming,
It was awesome.
Love,
Liz
-
Why am I NOT surprised? That was a very Liz thing to do. ;-)
-
Why am I NOT surprised? That was a very Liz thing to do. ;-)
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah......Smart Butt...!!!!
Be careful we don't get a "Yellow Card" from the Super Mod!!!
(psst, I think he's taking his job to seriously or maybe worse he's possessed by the spirit of GRM).
:emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
-
Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day.
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden
feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a
companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for
you, she will cook for you, and when you
discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
"She will always agree with every decision
you make and she will not nag you, and will
always be the first to admit she was wrong
when you've had a disagreement.
"She will praise you!
"She will bear your children, and never ask
you to get up in the middle of the night to
take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will
freely give you love and passion whenever
you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like
this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history!!!!
-
My friend gave me a ride home today. When we arrived my house was on fire. The fire department did their best but it seems there was a gas leak that caused an explosion and it was too late by the time they got there.
"We were only able to salvage this," They said, handing the object to me.
"Oh, your mailbox," My friend says.
He open it and pulled out the one piece of mail. As he read the envelope he started to laugh.
"What? What is it?" I asked.
He turned it to me. "Your gas bill."
-
THE JUDGE IS SENDING ME DOWN, SPORT.
There's an old Australian entertainer, sighing, crying
And he shrugs off his legal team
And he turns to the reporters, gathered all around him
And he says:
Won’t have much hope for a grope, bloke
Won’t have much hope for a grope
At my age I can’t bend for the soap, bloke
I’ll have no hope of a grope
All together now
The judge is sending me down, sport
Judge is sending me down
The news is all over town, sport
The judge is sending me down
It was only a compliment love, guv
Just a compliment love
There’s no need to cry “Heavens Above”, guv
Just a compliment love
All together now
The judge is sending me down, sport
Judge is sending me down
The news is all over town, sport
The judge is sending me down
A non-paying guest of the Queen, bean
A non-paying guest of the Queen
Should’ve sacked me legal team, bean
Now I’m gonna get me bum reamed
All together now
The judge is sending me down, sport
Judge is sending me down
The news is all over town, sport
The judge is sending me down
-
My friend gave me a ride home today. When we arrived my house was on fire. The fire department did their best but it seems there was a gas leak that caused an explosion and it was too late by the time they got there.
"We were only able to salvage this," They said, handing the object to me.
"Oh, your mailbox," My friend says.
He open it and pulled out the one piece of mail. As he read the envelope he started to laugh.
"What? What is it?" I asked.
He turned it to me. "Your gas bill."
Better than a letter from the insurance company informing you that your coverage was cancelled for not paying the previous months bill.
-
That happened to my father. Sort of. It seemed he hadn't paid his car insurance six months earlier. But he was never informed he'd been dropped, he didn't even know until my mother ended up finding out.
I lifted that "joke" from a Season One episode of Miami Vice.
-
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved but near the end of the class the teacher realised that Janie hadn’t told her story.
‘Janie, do you have a story to share?’ asked the teacher.
‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about Mommy. She was a marine pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whisky, a pistol and a survival knife.
‘She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn’t spill and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot fifteen of them with her pistol until she ran out of bullets; killed four more with her knife till the blade broke and so she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’
‘Good heavens,’ said the horrified teacher, ‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this awful story?’
‘Don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking.’
-
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what she's doing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle.
He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
"Pepper", she replies.
_________________________________
He said. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!
He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.
-
Good ones, WBL! :emot_laughing:
-
Be fair and post some She Said He Said jokes as well. :P
-
Fairness has nothing to do with it. Or do you want to be a pull toy like Pthlc does?
-
If there's going to be gender talks, we have to here both sides. :P
-
If there's going to be gender jokes, we have to here both sides of it. :P
-
*hear
-
Well, GG, your three posts have covered all three genders adequately.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/70WVIlB.jpg)
-
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick LAWRENCE, a 22 year
old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), LAWRENCE was
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
LAWRENCE explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home
from a drinking session, he decided to stop.
"You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was no one
around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around..." he stated.
LAWRENCE went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out
a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded
to satisfy his pressing need.
"I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, LAWRENCE failed to notice an approaching
police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda TAYLOR
approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Senior Constable TAYLOR,
'I walked up to LAWRENCE - and he's just banging away at this pumpkin...'
Senior Constable TAYLOR went on to describe what happened when she
approached LAWRENCE...
"I said; 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"
"LAWRENCE froze. He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then
he looked me straight in the eye and said,
'A pumpkin? Shit - is it midnight already?"
The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth.
-
I didn't see that cumming... nice one Thecia... :emot_laughing:
vinney
-
When I went to lunch today I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out so I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.'
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!!'
-
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..."
The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
-
Id like to see if anyone at my church would do that. :emot_laughing:
:emot_kiss:'s,
Kourtney
-
I recently sold my first novel. I ended up making an embarrassing amount of money. [Except that's a fucking lie, I wasn't embarrassed one bit.]
-
Embarrassingly large? Or embarrassingly small?
-
I experienced an embarrassing incident at a family barbecue last week. I was sat in the garden enjoying the sunshine with my Aunt and Uncle when 2 pigeons landed nearby. All of a sudden one of them jumped on top of the other and they started fucking on the picnic table.
Even the pigeons didn't seem to know which way to look
-
THE CURRENT BANKING CRISIS EXPLAINED BY AN IRISHMAN
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland!
-
Loved that one!
-
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro Jim saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,
'Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee', she said.
'Where?', he asked.
'Between the first and second hole', she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'
-
A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says “Doctor, I have this terrible rash.”She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ‘M’ shaped rash. The doctor replies ,“Now that is the strangest rash I’ve ever seen.” The woman explains, “Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love.” The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.
The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. “How did you get that?” the doctor asks. “My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love,” she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.
The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an ‘M’ on her chest. “Let me guess,” the doctor says. “Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?” “No,” the patient replies, “My girlfriend goes to Wellesley.”
-
Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester.
There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America . I politely declined to take one. There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
The old woman looked up at her and said: "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."
God Bless America...
-
The Queen is in Glasgow and she bumps into Alex Salmond.
HM: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.
AS: Nice to see you too Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?
HM: No, we don’t like that.
AS: Empire, and I'll be Emperor?
HM: No, not that either.
AS: Alright, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?
HM: No Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country...
-
A guy walks out of the mens room and a girl says "Sir, your garage door is open.
He says "Did you like the Harley inside?"
She repiles "All I saw was a mini bike with two flat tires."
-
Not being a US citizen, I have no feelings one way or the other about the content...if you feel insulted, just substitute the name of a prominenet Republican.... :roll:
President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc.,
I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day"
Cashier: "Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his wedge and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?
-
Can we substitute some other Democrats' name? Or maybe an independent's?
Ross Perot walked into... ;-)
-
Can we substitute some other Democrats' name? Or maybe an independent's?
Ross Perot walked into... ;-)
C'mom G-Guy! Ross Perot?? He owns the whole damn bank!
-
Even more reason not to cash his check!
-
A man and his wife moved back home to North Dakota from Arizona ..
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00 a year!!!
When they arrived in North Dakota , they went to Sven's Insurance agency to
see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
Sven looked it up on his computer and said to the couple, "$39.00. "
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in North Dakota to
insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona ! ! !
Sven turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here is it on
the screen, direct from Ole's North Dakota Fire Insurance Company , it says:
Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00".
I always did find North Dakota logic far superior to most others.
-
lol That was crazy! Good ol' Sven!
-
That was funny, thanks for posting.
-
These were actual answers given by contestants in the game show Family Feud:
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorize - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green - Shed
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with
wings Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A conman
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A famous Scotsman - Jockv
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it - Window
A non living object with legs - Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish - Cod
Something you open other than a door - Your Bowels
-
Hey, at least three of those were good answers. :^) lol
-
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well-informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
-
The above joke has nothing whatsoever to do with my recent poem :emot_laughing:
-
He should have said "My Child, what is it at Psalm 129 you wish me to remember?" :P
-
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink?
Wataaaaah!
-
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"
-
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
o O
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
O o
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."
-
I've always loved that joke. Thanks for bringing it around again TD.
-
Have you participated in the recent phone surver that asks, "What would you do to people who take government money and do no work?"
The number one answer: "Throw them out of office."
-
TD seems like such a sweet girl, until she tells a joke. lol
-
You used the wrong adjective. Earthy is the proper word GG, and she is still sweet.
-
I'd only use "earthy" if I were a hippy. ;-)
-
Comedian Argus Hamilton:
"The New York Times announced it will refuse to print the name Washington Redskins in its sports section. The editor says the name is associated with imperial conquest, cultural genocide and racism. From now on, the newspaper will simply refer to the team as the Redskins."
Much hoopla about team names. Finally someone really saw what the issue was about!
-
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
-
"What's long and hard and something a polish bride gets at her wedding?......
A last name......."
Okay, it was the best I could come up with..... :D
Love,
Liz
-
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=3809792413185&fref=nf (https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=3809792413185&fref=nf)
This link is to a joke made into a video. You will enjoy it.
-
A farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" said the farmer.
"No ,he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?!?"
"No , he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
-
A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
A Bad Day All Around
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole darn thing!
But, enough about me. How are you feeling?"
-
A guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling, "Cris-co, Cris-co?" A store clerk says to him, "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle Five." He says, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I'm calling my wife." The clerk says, "Your wife is named Crisco'?" He says, "No, I only call her that in public." The clerk says, "What do you call her when you're home?" He says, "Lard ass."
-
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.
She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'
He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50
-
lol A fart can get you everytime :P
-
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."
-
I hope he didn't pay in advance. ;-)
-
A young man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest!
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
-
Wow, she must have been really gorgeous since you said it twice in one sentence... ;-)
-
Wow, she must have been really gorgeous since you said it twice in one sentence... ;-)
You better hope TD never edits one of your stories.
-
I have no problem admitting I make grammar errors. Leo pointed out two in one of my stories in a PM, i'm glad he had told me.
...and now back to our scheduled jokes
-
When I was ready to check out and pay for my
groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I could complain to my local police about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally
subsided,I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the
future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.
Man, I hate this getting older stuff.
-
Wow, she must have been really gorgeous since you said it twice in one sentence... ;-)
Why whatever are you talking about GG? Hitting the kool-aid a bit to hard today?
:emot_laughing:
-
Fixing her post doesn't mean it never was in error. Just like you may be paranoid, but that doesn't mean they're not after you. ;-)
-
Fixing her post doesn't mean it never was in error. Just like you may be paranoid, but that doesn't mean they're not after you. ;-)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRJ5cCP0ZPE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRJ5cCP0ZPE)
-
OK GG, I figure you can't see the post so I'll let you in on it. Clip from Repo Man. The scene where they are standing next to the fire pit talking about life and aliens.
Best fucking movie EVER
-
I've been wanting to see it, IFC and Sundance air it often.
-
I've been wanting to see it, IFC and Sundance air it often.
Was on Sundance a few days ago :)
-
Wow, she must have been really gorgeous since you said it twice in one sentence... ;-)
Do you think TD actually typed that joke out?
Here's the same joke copied and pasted from here
http://angiesartcreations.blogspot.ie/2014/02/a-young-man-goes-to-confession-and-says.html
A young man goes to confession and says, “Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.” The priest tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.” Soon after, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.” This time the priest questions, “Who is Nookie Green?” “A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replies. “Very well,” sighs the priest. “Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.” At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. All the men’s eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashay’s up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, “Is that Nookie Green?” The bug-eyed altar boy can’t believe his ears but replies, “No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”
No errors on TD's part whatsoever ;D
-
PLAGERISM! OMGomgomgomg!!!
-
It doesn't matter who posted it, my point jokingly was as I said she must have been very, very gorgeous since gorgeous IS in the sentence twice.
-
It doesn't matter who posted it, my point jokingly was as I said she must have been very, very gorgeous since gorgeous IS in the sentence twice.
You obviously missed the humour in my post.
-
This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
Dear Lions Bay School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Edna
-
Now, that's funny.
-
A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.
She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."
"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "
-
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
-
One day a wife asked her husband, "Honey, would you please mow the lawn?"
Her husband responded "Who do you think I am, John Deere?"
Later the wife asked, "Would you please paint the house?" Her husband said,
"Who do you think I am, Sherwin Williams?" Then he left to go fishing for
the weekend.
When he got back home, he was surprised to see the lawn was mowed and the
house was painted. He asked her how she got all of it done. She said, "The
guy next door did it. He wanted me to either bake him a cake or give him a
blow job."
So the husband asked, "What kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "Who do
you think I am, Betty Crocker?"
-
"No, you look like Blow Job Betty." :P
-
Superman was patrolling the skies above New York, He sees Wonder Woman sun bathing naked on a sky scraper. He thought that if he travelled at the speed of light he could give her one, and be away before she knew what had happened! So in he flew, emptied his load and flew off again.
Wonder Woman said, "What the hell was that?"
"No idea," said the Invisible man, "but fuck, my arse hurts."
-
Leonard Nimoy joins the Mayor of a small town in the dedication on a new building.
As the Mayor finishes his speech, he thinks he's being witty as he says "And may the Force be with you!"
Leonard Nimoy becomes irritated.
"You DO know who I am, right?"
"Of course I do! Do you think i'm an idiot!" He shoots back angrily. "You were one of the Little Rascals, right?"
-
What did the snail say when he was riding on the back of a turtle?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
-
After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."
-
Hey, was that a blonde joke?!?
-
Why, does it resemble you?
;)
-
Nah. I just felt bad for the blonde wife...
-
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
-
The dreaded Silent Fart
The Silent Fart - You know, the one you thought went unnoticed!
One of the joys of ageing...............!!!
An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.
About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
-
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
> The old guy obeys and says, "99".
>
> The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
>
> Again, the old guy says, '99'."
> The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
>
> The old guy begins, "One.... two… three…"
-
Just because you're old doesn't mean you're senile! ;-) WOO on this joke!
-
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!' The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'
The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'
-
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby
dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."
-
The time is the early 1800's and a young highlander from the 42nd regiment is walking home on leave. It is a long walk and he feels tired, so he steps off the road and lays down for a short nap under a tree. He soon is fast asleep.
Not long afterwards a young lowlands girl comes along the road and spots the highlander fast asleep under the tree. Thrilled by the handsome highlander, and being a curious lowland girl she wonders what it is beneath his kilt. She goes to him, looks up and down the road, and seeing no one there, she lifts up his kilt.
She is thrilled by what she finds, and with a mischievous smile, takes a blue ribbon from her hair and ties it around his cock. Then, readjusting his kilt properly, and cheerfully goes on her way.
Sometime later the young highlander wakes, stretches, and decides to empty his bladder before continuing on his way. He steps behind some bushes and lifts his kilt. He stands there bewildered looking at the blue ribbon around his cock.
"Well," he says, "I dinna ken where ye've been, nor what ye did, but ye took first place!"
-
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into an ice cream store and sat down for a sundae.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who Owns the Big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought You'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the ice cream store to finish his sundae.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
(...I JUST LOVE THIS PART...)
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"
-
I read that like I'd never seen it before and then remembered it on the punch line good one Staci :emot_laughing:
-
The Creation Of Pussy
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a carpenter, strong and bold,
using a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Second was a butcher, endowed with wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Then came a tailor, tall and thin,
with a piece of red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
using a piece of fur, he lined it without.
Then came a fisherman, nasty as Hell,
he threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Next was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Last came a sailor, he was a dirty little runt,
he fucked it and sucked it and called it a cunt.
-
lol WOO!
-
How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes four minutes to get hard.
Only two minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys
But worst of all...
the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!
-
HOW TO START A FIGHT and maybe make you smile...
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a
drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer..
Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair
of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute,
and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
-
Kneasels
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, “Ewww - what’s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?”
“I had tolio as a child,” he answered.
“You mean polio?” she asked.
“No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.”
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
“What’s wrong with your knees?” She asked. “They’re all lumpy and deformed!”
“As a child, I also had kneasles,” he explained.
“You mean measles?” she asked.
“No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.”
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
“Don’t tell me,” she said. “Let me guess.. Smallcox?”
-
A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the f–k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.
The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”
-
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good
old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
-
Heehee You are BAD! lol
-
American Beer
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
“Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small,” he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
Well, American beer,” he replies quite bemused.
“Aaaahhh. There’s your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.
That makes things grow.”
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
“I take it you now drink Guinness?” asked the doctor.
“Oh no, Doc,” replies the man, “but I’ve got the wife on American beer!”
-
OUCH!!! ;-) lol He should still drink the Guinness... ;-)
-
You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K
A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, ‘You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K’.
She said, ‘What does that mean?’
He said, ‘Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot’.
She said, ‘Oh that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?’
He said, ‘ I’m Just Kidding.'
-
"I'm just kidding."
Another phrase that can be added to, "famous last words".
-
WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
LOL!
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the
Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes,
and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'
Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go ):
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN
this is compliments of the good lady who sends me the nostalgia stuff. thanks Gabby
-
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a Nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace, 'My private part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy,' replied Mr. Wallace, 'I told you yesterday that my private part died.'
'Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?
'Well, he replied, 'Today's the viewing.'
-
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over..
'What happened, Grandpa?' asked by his concerned children.
'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'
-
Talk about memory loss... :P
-
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that
has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
-
LOL....didn't expect that, thanks for posting staci.
-
Great story Staci. What a twist.
-
Brilliant Stacy... and so is your story... Woo...
vinney
-
Nag, Nag, Nag
There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual , he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak - pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bathroom the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"
-
Both funny jokes, Staci and TD.
-
Now that was a joke that definitely reflected my attitude at times!
-
auto-fellatio: from the Latin, meaning my car sucks.
-
wouldn't it be funny if breast implants came with a squeaky toy inside?
-
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Johnny says, "None."
The teacher asks, "Why?"
Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."
The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"
The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."
Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
-
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
-
A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.
The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
-
Different professions......
Different Instruction..........
Same Interest...............
Doctor:"Please take off your clothes."
Dentist: "Now open wide and hold still"
Veterinarian:"How's your pretty pussy?"
Gardener: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"
Lawyer: "Let's go over section 69."
Banker: "If you withdraw too early you lose interest."
Chef: "Do you like it hot and spicy.?"
Police: "You don't need protection."
Army personnel: "Load. Aim. Fire."
Swimming instructor: "Go deeper."
Gym trainer: "Push harder"
Interior Decorator: "Once its done, you will love it"
Telephone Guy : "Would you like it on the table or against the wall?"
-
A girl realises there is hair growing between her legs. She gets worried and yells to her Mom about the hair. Her Mom calmly says "That part where hair has grown is called a monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." Next morning at breakfast she tells her older sister "My monkey has grown hair"
Her elder sister smiles and says. "That's nothing, mine started eating bananas."
-
And mom faints at hearing that... :^)
-
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"
The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."
"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"
She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
-
OUCH! lol
-
JAPANESE SEX
A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:
Husband: Sukitaki. Wife replies: Kowanini!
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!
I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this -- as if you understand Japanese!
You'll read anything as long as it is about sex.
You need serious help.
You are one sick puppy!
-
That's why we are here!
-
Heehee, as if you're any different than the rest of us, Thecia... ;-)
-
Shhhhb! I'm trying to learn Japanese, here.
-
You're at the wrong site to learn Japanese, that's JB, not KB. :P
-
veryuch arigato
-
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. You're kidding, right?
8. Don't beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. (my favorite)
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
-
4, 6, 8, & 12 are probably the most common. These people have been married for quite some time.
-
I love you, sweetheart!
-
I love you, sweetheart!
Thank You....I Love You Too.
"But No, You Can't Borrow The M-14 To Go Zombie Hunting".!!!
Love Ya....
-
Damn. Busted.
-
Damn. Busted.
Sorry,...... But I still love you with all my heart........
Now Stop looking at me like I'm a zombie.!!!!!
:D
Love Ya.....
-
Freaks...
-
OMG!!! GG is infected by zombies!
-
I had to go to the doctors the other day as I had a case of terrible wind, I said to the doctor can you give me anything for it, I walked out the surgery with a fucking kite!
-
Just in case you have forgotten the rules for a safe and Happy Halloween!
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
19. If you find that:
a. your house is built upon or near a cemetery,
b. was once a church that was used for black masses,
c. had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or
d. had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house,
MOVE AWAY IMMEDIATELY.
-
And my wife wonders why I don't want to visit her family from northern New England. lol
-
Damn TD......
Rule #12 kinda sucks.......
That kinda ruins my college degree in Genetics.
But I Love The Rest Of Them.
Good Job...
Love,
Liz
-
OMG!!! GG is infected by zombies!
You have my permission to shoot him....
However, I'll be your spotter, I got the x50 binoculars for long range shots.
Should be easy.....
:D
Love,
Liz
-
Eh, Katie's just mad because I learned her secret. Not to worry, in the event of my untimely death, it will be sent to all KB friends, fellow gun/weapon enthusiacts, every crappy tabloid, the Canadian and Mexican governments, and Jim Carrey. :P
-
A guy and his girlfriend are out having drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets and she starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. after a while he gives in and lets her order him one.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar - a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth and finally you drink the lime juice"
So the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue - SALTY BUT OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - SMOOTH, RICH AND COOL, VERY PLEASANT - He thinks, this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime Juice and drinks it.
- in 1 second THE SHARP LIME TASTE HITS HIM
- in 2 seconds THE BAILEYS CURDLES
- in 3 seconds THE SALTY CURDLED BITTER TASTES HITS
This triggers the GAG reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now NASTY drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to her and says "Jesus!!! What do you call that drink???"
She smiles at him widely and says "BLOW JOB REVENGE".
-
lol, lickz. So that is what it tastes like? Will stick with his wine and watch Liz and Katie pick off zombies. 8)
-
The government today announced that its changing its national symbol to the CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while
you're actually being screwed! Damn it just doesn't get more accurate than that. I guess if the rubber fits,wear it. 8)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl was walking past her parents room. Hearing strange noises, she peeps in the keyhole, and says to herself, "And this bitch gets mad when I
suck my thumb!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't at least 20% off.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how
to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."
-
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that
has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
:emot_weird: :sign_thatshard:
-
There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money.
He was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...
'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart.
He died soon.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there,dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket.
The obedient wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
Then her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not foolish
enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied,
'Listen, I'm a wife; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the loyal wife.
'I got all the money together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... I put the check in the casket.Now it is up to him to cash the check.'
"If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
-
One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, “It’s dark in here.”
The man whispers, “Yes, it is.”
“I have a baseball,” the boy responds.
“That’s nice.”
“Want to buy it?”
“No, thanks.”
“My dad’s outside.”
“Okay, how much?”
“$250.”
***
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover end up in the closet together.
“It’s dark in here,” the boy begins.
“Yes, it is.”
“I have a baseball glove.”
The man thinks about the last time they were in the closet together, and decided to cut to the chase — “How much?”
“$750.”
“Fine.”
***
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your ball and glove. Let’s go outside and play some catch!”
“I can’t. I sold them.”
“How much did you sell them for?”
“$1,000,” the boy replies, smilingly widely.
His father responds, “It’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That’s way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church to confess.”
***
The two go to church, and the boy’s father escorts him to the confession booth. Once inside, the boy states, “It’s dark in here.”
The priest replies, “Don’t start that crap again!”
???
-
It's better to have the priest fuck his mom than him ;-)
-
Okay. That was fuckin' funny.
'bot
-
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)
-
The pun police will get you for that!
-
Uggh! lol
-
Jennifer and Amanda, two "senior" widows, are talking:
Jennifer: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
"Well, I'll tell you, he shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine
suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs and what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all, then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show,let me tell you Jennifer, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL,completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times"
Jennifer: "Goodness gracious... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"
Amanda: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
-
You know how the minds of seniors are... Hopefully all that DID happen... :P
-
More true than you would believe!
-
A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
The pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
"Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Darn thing’s an hour fast!”
-
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)
Where I come from, we call those 'groaners.' :emot_banghead: ;)
-
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
-
:emot_weird: :emot_laughing:
-
Irish Blonde...
An attractive blonde from Cork Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
-
Not your average blond! :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Harlequin Novel, Updated 2014 Version:
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, "Just relax. ”Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily, My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.
I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought, a man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted.
A man who would look into my soul and say…
"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
-
lol Another one, huh? ;-)
-
Indian shoots Buffalo in Bar!
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says..
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
-
He'll fit right in Congress! ;-)
-
Describes politicians perfectly!
-
Wubbs calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
Wubbs says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .............
(http://s27.postimg.org/t4uov565v/images_duckduckgo_com.png)
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes
back in the box."
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Good one! :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
OUCH! lol I'm waiting to see how she reacts to that one... ;-)
-
Trav you old goat ;D
-
OUCH! lol I'm waiting to see how she reacts to that one... ;-)
Still trying to piece that "cock" together Gem so she can 'Wubb' one out. ;D ;D ;D
-
This lady walks into her boss's office one day and says, "Sir, I'd like to file a sexual harassment complaint."
Her boss says, "Well what's your complaint?"
She says, "My co-worker Joe said my hair smelled nice."
The boss says, "That's really not sexual harassment."
The lady counters, "But, Joe's a midget!"
-
TD!!!! That's a really low joke. :emot_laughing:
-
I had the actor her played Tattoo on Fantasy Island would go up under women's skirts. I bet he told them their hair smelled great too... ;-)
-
*I heard the actor
-
The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad news."
The CEO replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer says:
"Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2
million."
The CEO replies enthusiastically:
"Well done, that is very good news indeed!
You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"
The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary."
:emot_weird: :emot_angry:
-
The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad news."
The CEO replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer says:
"Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2
million."
The CEO replies enthusiastically:
"Well done, that is very good news indeed!
You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"
The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary."
:emot_weird: :emot_angry:
OUCH!
Good one!
-
LOL.....karma is a bitch!
-
At a club last night, I got talking to a really attractive 60-year-old.
I found myself thinking..... I bet she's got a really hot daughter.
We shared a bottle of wine, then she asked me if I'd ever had a "Sportman's Double?".
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
"Oh!" I said, as my mind embraced the idea. "No, I haven't," I replied, wondering what her daughter might look like.
We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink, then it's "Your Lucky Night."
Arriving back to her place, she switched the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom, are you still awake?"
-
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
Suddenly, one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard a reply, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Then he tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The puzzled Irishman asked the remaining Indian, "Is he crazy?"
The Indian replied, "No, it's our custom during the mating season when Indian man see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us."
Just then, they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answer, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third very large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he thought to himself, "Look at the size of this cave! It's way bigger than the Indians found. There may be a really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
Scroll Down
The following day, the headlines of a local newspaper read.....
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!
-
David Beckham, when not playing football that day, decides to go horse riding.
Although he has no previous experience, he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete control as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.
Victoria watches him admiringly.
After a while, David becomes a little too casual and begins to lose his grip in the saddle. He panics and grabs the horse round it's neck and calls for it to stop.
Victoria screams and shouts for someone to help.
David slips completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground because he is still clutching the horse's neck.
David decides his best chance is to leap away, but his foot becomes entangled in the stirrup!
David's head is now banging along the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is frantic and screaming!
Hearing her screams, one of the Supermarket Security Guards comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.
-
lol You haven't lost your touch, Vinney! That last one was VERY bad. ;-)
-
:emot_laughing:
Thanks GG
vinney
-
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients, and felt guilty about it all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But, every once in a while, he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
Invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: "But Dave.....you're a vet."
-
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little squirt, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, but it didn't help much."
-
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for 10 million bucks.
This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where is my 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
Then the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's head, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win. The money is in a briefcase buried behind a shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in New Orleans!"
The Godfather asks the attorney eagerly, "Well, what did he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
-
Three good ones, Vinney. :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Damn, Vinney, you're on a roll!!!
I hope that vet used a condom... :P
-
A man decides to become a monk. He goes to a monastery and is assigned the task of copying the Bible by hand. After a while it occurs to him, "How do I know this copy I am copying is correct?" He brings this up to the head monk, who says that no one has ever asked this question before. So the head monk goes into the basement into a secret vault to check the copy against the original text. Three days go by. The new monk who posed the question begins to worry, so he ventures into the secret vault and finds the head monk there, bent over a book, crying.
"What is wrong?", he asks.
"Oh sweet Lord Jesus," the head monk wails, "the word was Celebrate!!"
-
lol It only take ONE letter... ;-)
-
A couple went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with your technique," and charged them 50 dollars.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges 90 dollars and the Hilton charges 120 dollars."
He continued, "We can do it here for 50 dollars, and still claim 45 dollars back from Medicare!"
-
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail, when an exceptionally tall and handsome young man entered. He was so striking that the woman couldn't take her eyes off him.
The man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked straight over to her.
Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything that you want me to, no matter what it is for $20, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked, "What's the condition?"
The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just 3 words."
The woman considered his proposal for a moment, reached into her purse and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand, along with her address.
She looked deeply into his eyes, and said slowly and meaningfully.....
"Clean my house."
-
A plane was about to crash with 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The 1st passenger, George W. Bush said, "I'm the President of the United States. I have a great responsibility being the leader of nearly 300 million people". So he takes the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The 2nd passenger said, "I'm Chris Webber, one of the world's greatest Basketball players, so I can't afford to die". So he takes the second parachute and leaves the plane.
The 3rd passenger, Hillary Clinton said "I'm the wife of the former United States President, and a New York Senator, and I'm the smartest woman in the world". So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
The 4th passenger, an old man says to the 5th passenger, a 14 year old boy scout, "I'm old and frail and don't have many years left, so you take the last parachute".
The boy scout replied, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest woman has just jumped out with my haversack!
-
OUCH! Let's hope Hilary doesn't hear about THAT one... ;-)
-
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama
couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford
a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian
and told him that he and his cousin didn't want
to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a
procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but
that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,'
said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a
beer can(COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count
to 10.'
The Alabamian said to the doctor,
'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I
don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb
and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began
to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
( you'll love this...)
At which point he paused, placed the
beer can between his legs and
continued counting on his other hand.
-
LOL....ouch!
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
Yea Staci. Great one. Love the touch about the cousin too.
-
Stacy left Us A LOT of hint about the family. Like they all sleep in one bed. :P
-
My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again."
My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing? Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.
Guy: Wanna suck my dick?
Girl: No.
Guy: Probably for the best. I mean, it has a label-Warning! Choking Hazard!
Girl: Isn't that the warning put on tiny objects?
-
Good ones TD. :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
(http://i.imgur.com/YkpLAV0.jpg?1)
-
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around and eventually stops at a pub to try a pint or two of English beer. He continues sight-seeing and after a while, finds himself in a very high class area. Large stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.
He desperately needs to go, after all those pints of beer. He sees a narrow side street with high walls surrounding an adjacent buildings, and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby who says, "You can't do that here sir!"
"I'm very sorry officer," replies the American, "but I really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
"Ah," said the bobby, "just follow me!" He leads him into the back alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby, "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured lawns, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call British Hospitality?"
"No sir", replied the bobby, "It's what we call the French Embassy."
-
lol At least it wasn't the American Embassy!
-
lol At least it wasn't the American Embassy!
Now would we ever do that to the American Embassy...? I think not...
vinney
-
Q: If a dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow
Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: What's a blond's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: Why do men like masturbation?
A: It's sex with someone they love.
Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
Q: What's the worst part about eating a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in the wheelchair
Q: How can you tell a blonde's been using your computer?
A: There's whiteout all over the screen.
-
Sex Advice From A Friend
Two friends, a white guy and a black guy, both work together. The white guy came in late one morning and his black friend asks where he had been.
The white guy says, "My wife gives me good sex every night and she kept me up really late last night".
The black guy says "I can't get my wife to have sex with me, no matter what! How do you do it?"
The white guy says, "I read her poetry every night."
His black friend then asks, "What kind of poetry?"
The white guy replies, "Blondie, blondie, eyes so blue, how I want to make love to you." Then the white guy tells his friend to go home and try it - it's a sure thing!
The next morning the black guy was about 2 hours late. When he comes in, he has a black eye and his arm is in a sling.
The white man asks, "What happened?!"
The black man says, "Man, don't ever speak to me again!"
The curious white man asks, "Well, what did you say to her?"
The black man replies, 'Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, bend over bitch, and take it like a dog!!"
-
I guess some things don't translate well between the races. :emot_laughing:
-
I'd blame it more on stupidity and having the wrong attitude about women. :P
-
JUST A FEW QUERIES REQUIRING DETERMINATION.....
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'Down Under.'
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE CYCLONES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
..AND AS A BONUS....A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
-
..and on the off chance that there are any Golfers among you....
#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes , you miss the ball much closer now."
#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . That would be too much of a coincidence."
#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction"
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good , but personally, I prefer golf."
#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."
#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
#1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.."
And the old favorite..... The Golfer has been slicing off the tee at every hole.
He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy if he has seen any obvious problems.
The caddy replies: "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club ".
The Golfer picks his club up and cleans the club face at which point the caddy says: "No, the other end!"
-
Following a hunting accident at the start of the "duck" season, a hunter had occasion to visit his doctor...following is the dialogue from the visit.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to mainly your groin ; there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Carlisle Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
:emot_laughing:
-
(http://i.imgur.com/tUW7083.jpg)
The football coach noticed that Bubba, his star player, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.
So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"
Bubba replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the top of the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em for hours!"
The coach went home early the next day. He entered the bedroom and heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and began to bang his erect member on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and yelled, "That you Bubba?" (http://i.imgur.com/FaVT3nx.jpg)
-
Great jokes, Hoss! Is that Bubba Skinner from In The Heat Of The Night in that last joke? He was a football player... ;-)
-
Weirdly, and I thought i've been around so long I've heard them all... weirdly, that one made me actually laugh out loud. At work. So then I had to explain why...
'bot
-
COWBOY WEDDING
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the
wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road,
the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are they doing honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started
to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore
each others body. The bride discovers her husbands penis.
"What is that?" she asks.
"That's my rope," he answers.
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks
"They're my knots," he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride
says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!
Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope.
-
:emot_laughing: And then he went soft.
-
And thats how the fight started....... :emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
-
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ’There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ’Now you must do the same,’ he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
’Second,’ the professor continued, ’you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?’
-
As Liz would say EEEEWWWWWW.... or something like that...
I wonder how many students were really observant...? Leaves a bit of a taste in your mouth doesn't it...?
Good joke though...
vinney
-
As Liz would say EEEEWWWWWW.... or something like that...
I wonder how many students were really observant...? Leaves a bit of a taste in your mouth doesn't it...?
Good joke though...
vinney
LOL....yeah, a very bad taste.!!!
Love,
Liz
-
50's Date
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.
When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.
That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
-
Yes the 50s. The generation gap was never wider than back then.
Good one TD! :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Dad could have said she like to twerk... ;-)
-
FREDDIE, GIANNI AND DIANA
Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and Lady Di arrive at the Pearly gates.
St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to
put forward their case for entry.
Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes
along the way, but i've made some of the most beautiful music in the world.
I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs,
making heaven a far happier place to be".
"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"
Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely
redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys.
As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven
a much happier place".
"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?"
Diana doesn't say a word. Instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers,
inserts a full bottle of evian water into her fanny, lets the water shoot up inside
her and then gushes out all over the floor.
"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter.
"Hold on a fucking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything".
"Bollocks, Fred you know the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens...."
-
That gave me a chuckle that will not stop, heehee Thanks!
-
A 70 year old man walked into his doctor's crowded waiting room and approached the reception desk.
The bossy receptionist said in a loud voice, "Yes, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he said.
The receptionist becoming irate said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"You shouldn't have asked me what was wrong in a crowded waiting room," the old man retorted.
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited a couple of minutes, then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled very smugly and asked, "Yes?"
There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
-
A couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in excellent health, largely due to the wife's insistence on regularly eating healthy bran muffins.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your new home now."
The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why nothing," St. Peter replied, "This is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there was a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, and free-flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, and it's all free for you to enjoy."
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?," he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man then glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking healthy bran muffins. We could've been here 10 years ago!"
-
Katie goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
Father O'Grady says, "What's troubling you, Katie my dear?"
She says, "Oh Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away suddenly last night."
The priest says, "Oh Katie, that's terrible. Tell me Katie, did he have any last requests?"
Katie says, "That he did, Father!"
The priest says, "What did he ask, Katie?"
She says, "His last words were: 'Please Katie, put down that damn gun...'"
-
WOO, Vinney! The second one is my favorite. :^)
-
Good ones, Vinney!
Here's an oldie, with an added twist.
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop- dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
-
The value of experience.
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
-
A GOLFERS LOVE STORY
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, " Maria, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me ? "
Maria replied, " Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason. "
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, " I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ' good reasons ' ? "
Maria said, " The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended ? " Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, " I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time ? "
Maria asked, " Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed ? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge. " " I recall that, " said Henry. " And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time. "
" All right, " Maria said. " So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes ?? "
-
lol Great stuff!
-
The Obama administration today announced that its changing its national symbol to the CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while
you're actually being screwed! Damn it just doesn't get more accurate than that. I guess if the rubber fits,wear it
-
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' The guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing
and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end (DUCKS!)
-
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that
experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has
someone come in and change her hair color. She figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"
God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you." :o
-
WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH.............
>
>
> 1. THEY HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE THEIR PURSES
> ARE.
>
> 2. THEY BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH THEIR ARMS OVERHEAD AND
> WIGGLING THEIR BUTT WHILE YELLING 'WOO-HOO!' IS TRULY
> THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
>
> THEY SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT THEY WANT TO KICK
> SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY BELIEVE THEY COULD DO IT TOO.
>
>
> 4. IN THEIR LAST TRIP TO PEE, THEY REALIZE THAT THEY NOW LOOK
> MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS THEY WERE JUST
> FOUR HOURS AGO.
>
> 5. THEY START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE " I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH."
>
> 6. THEY GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE 'OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!'
>
> 7. THEY FIND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO A GEEK
> SITTING NEXT TO THEM.
>
> 8. THEY SUDDENLY TAKE UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY
> GOOD AT IT.
>
> 9. THEY YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO THEY BELIEVE CHEATED THEM BY
> GIVING THEM JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN
> NO LONGER TASTE THE CHARDONNAY.
>
>
> 10. THEY THINK THEY'RE IN BED, BUT THEIR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY
> LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop ... OR THE BATHMAT?)
>
> 11. THEY FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN
> THEY SIT ON IT.
>
> 12. THEY TAKE THEIR SHOES OFF BECAUSE THEY BELIEVE IT'S THE SHOES
> FAULT THEY'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
>
> And Remember...
> 'A clean house is the sign of a wasted
> life!'
-
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!" "Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now." "I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he? "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him." Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"
-
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
-
I've said this before, but "OUCH!" Good one, Watcher! ;-)
-
So one night, the farmer gets drunk.
He grabs his wife's tits and says, "If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."
He grabs her butt and says, "If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."
The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says, "And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."
-
A Canadian guy, an American guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar.
They all have a couple of beers, and get to bragging.
The American guy boasts, "I'm so lucky, I have 4 beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team."
Not to be outdone, the Canadian guy retorts, "I am luckier than you, I have 5 gifted children, one more and I could form a hockey team."
So, the Japanese guy chimes in with, "Well, I surely have both of you topped. I have 8 children. Just one more and I would have a baseball team."
Pausing, briefly, the Middle Eastern guy replies, "Well, I am betting I have all you fools beat. my harem houses 17 wives, one more and I would have a golf course!".
-
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
-
THE SEVEN DWARVES AND THE POPE
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy
rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"
Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we
finally get to ask him."
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of
the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead,
Dopey, ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me,
young man?"
Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead
and ask.
Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"
The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska." The others
all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the
rest!"
The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues,
"Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black
nuns in Alaska, yes."
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey,
ask him the last part!"
The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any
midget black nuns in Alaska?"
The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there
are any midget black nuns in Alaska."
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing,
and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"
-
Little Old Lady In Court
Your honor, I am 86 years old.
So here I am, sitting there on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me.
He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honor. So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honor.
Why, Your Honor, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
He yelled, "April Fool" and that's when I shot the Son of a Bitch.
-
You are terrible, TD! And funny as fucking Hell, thank you thank you thank you!!! lol
-
EXAMS
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except
for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate
family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual
exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and
snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student shakes her head, and sweetly says: "Not an excuse. You can use
your other hand to write with."
-
EXAMS
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except
for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate
family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual
exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and
snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student shakes her head, and sweetly says: "Not an excuse. You can use
your other hand to write with."
:emot_weird: But I'm not ambidextrous............ :-[
-
Use a vibrator
-
Use a vibrator
Quoting a friend here, EWWWWWWWWWW!
-
GG get the vibratir that fits over the top of your hand and makes your whole hand vibrate.
-
Would a male be that desperate to use a vibrator? ;-) Not a manly male at least...
-
Sorry that you don't classify yourself as a manly man, GG.
-
You read it the way you wanted to, sweet Kate. I count myself among those who aren't desperate enough to use a vibrator. :P
-
I've used 'em. Don't feel less manly. At my age anything that helps is a godsend. :emot_laughing:
-
OLD MAN
There was this really old guy at a dance who hadn't had any sex
for a long time. He'd been dancing with the grandmas all night,
but he still hadn't scored.
Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said,
"Listen, I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming
back to my place? I'll give you $20 if you oblige!"
"I'm willing, let's go," she said.
They arrived back at his place, and after a bit of foreplay,
they headed for the bedroom. The old guy loved the sex and couldn't
get over how tight the grandma was for such an old woman.
Surely she's got to be a virgin.
After the wonderful performance, he rolled over and said,
"Wow! Lady, if I had known you were a virgin, I would have
given you $50".
Surprised, she replied, "If I had known you were actually going
to get an erection, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
-
Thanks TD. We old people need reminding about how tricky sex can be at our age. :emot_laughing:
-
And we young people need to remember pantyhose makes a pussy feel tighter. :P lol
-
Kind of embarrassing... when I was a kid, I tried to jack off using my older sisters (aromatic) pantyhose. That is some abrasive shit. I do not recommend the experience. That shit is sexy, but it is not whack material. Stick with panties, boys.
<embarrassing personal memory mode OFF>
'bot
-
Bob: “Did you hear about the Obama administration scandal?,
> Jim: “You mean the Mexican gun running?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “You mean SEAL Team 6?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “You mean the State Dept. lying about Benghazi?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> im: “You mean voter fraud?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “You mean the of drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million and right after it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “You mean the president arming the Muslim Brotherhood?”
> Bob: “No the other one:.
> Jim: “The IRS targeting conservatives?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “The DOJ spying on the press?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “Giving SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “The president’s ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal immigrants from jails and prisons, and falsely blaming the sequester?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “The president’s threat to impose gun control by Executive Order in order to bypass Congress?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “The president’s repeated violation of the law requiring him to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “The 2012 vote where 115% of all registered voters in some counties voted 100% for Obama?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “The president’s unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate’s advise-and-consent role?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “Clinton, the IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-information voters who don’t pay taxes and get free stuff from taxpayers and stuck us again with the most pandering, corrupt administration in American history?”
> Bob: “THAT’S THE ONE!”
(http://s25.postimg.org/e5slukef3/x_Nna_Goo.jpg)
-
Three good ole boys died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The cowboy from Texas fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It represents a candle’, he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The logger from Minnesota reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’
Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.
The old Nebraska farmer started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’
The Husker replied, ‘These are Carols.’
-
THE FINAL BLOW JOB
A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very
lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the
ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance
money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Remember that
blow job I promised you? Well ...... here it comes..."
-
You do post some good ones, TD :emot_laughing:
Guess the lesson is, "All good things come to those who wait".
-
TEXAS BABY BOY
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because he
announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy
weighing 20 pounds.
"Congratulations" shower him from all around, and many
exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to
sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical
Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he
weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Ten pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened?
He weighed 20 pounds at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone
Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the
bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
-
There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.
"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
-
TD, that was wickedly funny!
-
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 260 men here on the post, and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a step-ladder behind the camel, the Captain climbs up, pulls his pants down and has a wild and insane time with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
Very embarrassed, the Sergeant replies, "No, not really sir!"
"They usually just ride the camel into town where all the girls are."
-
A newlywed couple had only been married for 2 weeks, when the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Why, where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise, OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you're married now and you ain't going nowhere! Got it, Asshole?"
-
"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you're married now and you ain't going nowhere! Got it, Asshole?"
( S i g h ) Marriage....such is the life. Couple of good ones Vinney. :emot_laughing:
-
"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you're married now and you ain't going nowhere! Got it, Asshole?"
( S i g h ) Marriage....such is the life. Couple of good ones Vinney. :emot_laughing:
She'll be going from Married to Alone if he decided to get the marriage annulled... ;-)
-
Johnny: "Hey, Joe, I think that redhead likes me. She's adjusting the seat of her bikini!"
Joe: "What makes you think it's for your benefit?"
Johnny: "She's using my hand to do it!"
-
Nice one GG...
-
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
-
Good Vinney! Women always seem to come out on top. :emot_laughing:
-
Here's an oldie, but I still like it everytime I see it again. The first time I saw this, back in my 20s, they used the word priapism and I had to look it up before I got the joke. Now they've dumbed it down.
I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since
she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She asked if she could help me.
I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist.
She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last
more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:
* 1/3 ownership in the store,
* a company pickup truck,
* a king size bed and
* $3,000 a month in living expenses."
-
The old 'uns are always the best... :emot_laughing:
vinney
-
LOVE the joke! The shy guy comes up in the end. :^)
-
Sometimes real life can be a joke.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedallophobia is the fear of long words. :emot_weird:
-
Sometimes real life can be a joke.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedallophobia is the fear of long words. :emot_weird:
Aw shit...! It's more like the deposit I got on my car from that flying.... bird...
:emot_laughing:
vinney
-
Sometimes real life can be a joke.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedallophobia is the fear of long words. :emot_weird:
Aw shit...! It's more like the deposit I got on my car from that flying.... bird...
:emot_laughing:
vinney
Hey Vinney.....
Consider yourself lucky that Hippopotamus's can't fly!!!
-
Sometimes real life can be a joke.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedallophobia is the fear of long words. :emot_weird:
Aw shit...! It's more like the deposit I got on my car from that flying.... bird...
:emot_laughing:
vinney
Hey Vinney.....
Consider yourself lucky that Hippopotamus's can't fly!!!
:o
Then I'd really be in the shit...
vinney
-
Sometimes real life can be a joke.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedallophobia is the fear of long words. :emot_weird:
Aw shit...! It's more like the deposit I got on my car from that flying.... bird...
:emot_laughing:
vinney
Hey, take it easy on us old birds ;D
-
"A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.
The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit...
He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
-
Ears??? They were THAT big??? :P Good one, WOO!
-
I'LL DO THE DISHES
One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to
the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer
tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome
on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all
he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on
the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He
happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love.
She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He
readily accepts and the date is set.
At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride
to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they
have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner
must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the
first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes.
After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things
up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family.
No one says a word.
Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her
breasts. Still no one says a word.
Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front
of everyone. No one says a word.
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws
HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks.
By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the
distance.
His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets
his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: Thanks TD. Great joke to start the day.
-
Too good, lol! A big WOO!
-
Of course AFTER the husband stormed out of the room in a huff, the wife turned to the young man, eyes bright and giddy with the anticipation, and says "Don't stop now, do what you were getting ready to do!"
;-)
-
I just punched out of work. Was a long day. This joke made me shoot Soda out of my nose. Was a great way to end a work day. Thank you and +Karma is heading your way.
-
stace and TD - two funny jokes. Fun way to end a very long day. Thank you.
-
Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.
After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."
-
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me ?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need, were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house ?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already ??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you, " the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an Audi."
-
BAZINGA!
-
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me."
So she did.
Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your butt."
-
:emot_laughing:
You have no idea how hard I laughed at this.
Love the Chinese accents from people I deal with.
The accent of a little girl I know, has all but disappeared, but whenever she goes to meet with our Chinese neighbor for cultural lessons, she always comes back with a hint of it in her speech.
Love it, Ms.Dancer. Thank you
-
BAZINGA!
Hey...!!!!
Isn't that Swahili for "cow shit".??
:emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
-
CROTCHLESS PANTIES
A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more
and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.
She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship,
and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in
a novelty shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as
usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned
her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee.
She then strolled between her partner and the television and naughtily
tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?" he replied, "look what it did to those panties."
-
Uhhh-ohhh. This won't end good. Someone will be going away for a long time for Homicide...
-
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
Sorry but the simple ones are sometimes the best... ;D... vinney
-
Never hold your farts in! They travel up your, into brain, and that's where shitty ideas come from.
-
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
-
Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.
"Since when do you wear women's pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
Sometimes the simple ones are the best...
-
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."
-
What an asshole! lol
-
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor Maine man
answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the troopers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens exclaimed!
The troopers looked at each other. One said,
"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine Lobsters that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized Rockfish clinging to her, haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's , and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded,
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper replied,
"We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
-
I've always said, "Ya gotta use the right bait to get what you're fishing for." :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
A woman gets a call from her husbands doctor.
"Mrs. Jones we have the results from your husbands test, but we have a small problem.
We seemed to have mixed up the names of the two Jones's we have as patients. The end result is, your husband either has early Alzheimer's or AIDS."
Mrs. Jones replys "Well my god that's a big difference. What are we supposed to do, come in and redo the tests?"
The doctor's office answers "No mame, the answers rather simple. Just take your husband 5 miles or so from home and drop him off. If he comes home, don't have sex with him"
-
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Carl, the hypnotist, exclaimed: “I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.” The excitement was almost electric as Carl withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light. Carl, the hypnotist, said: “I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.”
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
“Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface... Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
shattering into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center
-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nNJTeaEKEA
-
He could have yelled "FUCK!" ;-)
-
Little Johnny comes home from school and his father asks him, "What did you learn in school today?"
Johnny, "I learned that today is President's day."
Father, "And what is the significance of President's Day?"
Johnny, "That is when the president steps out onto the White House porch and if he sees his shadow, we get twelve months more of bullshit!"
-
Little Johnny comes home from school and his father asks him, "What did you learn in school today?"
Johnny, "I learned that today is President's day."
Father, "And what is the significance of President's Day?"
Johnny, "That is when the president steps out onto the White House porch and if he sees his shadow, we get twelve months more of bullshit!"
And that explains it. We've had centuries of Presidents seeing their shadows and now we have been dealing with all the crappolla for years! And it don't matter which side of the aisle you're on, the horse shit is equally deep.
-
Johnny never holds back from saying what's on his mind. ;-)
-
Arriving In Heaven
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"
-
Riddler: Riddle me this; what do you get if you eat too much Swiss cheese?
Robin: Holy shit, Batman!
Riddler: Correct, Boy Blunder!
-
From Facebook.. Please leave your logical brain outside before entering... :)
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse.
She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says,
"Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers."
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long.
Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah", says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?"
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me neither" says Jed, "Let's take these things off!"
-
From Facebook.. Please leave your logical brain outside before entering... :)
. . . . .
Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah", says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?"
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me neither" says Jed, "Let's take these things off!"
(http://www.nastyhobbit.org/data/media/13/ha.png)
-
One day, Superman was flying over Metropolis, and through his x-ray vision, noticed Wonder Woman laying naked on her penthouse roof.
So, he swoops down beside her and watches as she undulates over and over. Superman couldn't take it anymore, so he whipped down his super shorts and hopped on top.
Ten hours later, he comes to a tremendous orgasm, hops up and pulls up his super shorts and says to Wonder Woman, "Well Wonder Woman, what did you think of that?"
Wonder Woman says, "Not bad, but I don't think the Invisible Man appreciated it...."
-
One day, Superman was flying over Metropolis, and through his x-ray vision, noticed Wonder Woman laying naked on her penthouse roof.
So, he swoops down beside her and watches as she undulates over and over. Superman couldn't take it anymore, so he whipped down his super shorts and hopped on top.
Ten hours later, he comes to a tremendous orgasm, hops up and pulls up his super shorts and says to Wonder Woman, "Well Wonder Woman, what did you think of that?"
Wonder Woman says, "Not bad, but I don't think the Invisible Man appreciated it...."
Snicker~
Btw, I notice that you are kinda new here. Welcome. Thanks for posting!
-
Thanks, Brodie, but actually, I've been "lurking" for many, many years...
-
Back in the day, "Naive Nancy" jokes were almost as prevalent as "Little Johhny" jokes.
Unfortunately, I can only remember this one:
Naive Nancy just got home from school and decided to climb a tree while she still had her little school dress on. Before long, all the little boys were standing under her looking up.
Her mother noticed, and yelled out the window "Nancy, you shouldn't climb a tree in your dress...all the boys will see your panties!"
And Nancy laughed and laughed; she knew she didn't have any panties on.....
-
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
-
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
;D
(http://media.giphy.com/media/SUeUCn53naadO/giphy.gif)
-
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
-
lol Were they blondes? ;-)
-
Live long and prosper
The story below is reputed to be true, but authenticity is not warranted.
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.
THE GRANDDAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY UNTIL THE AGE OF 103, WHEN SHE DIED. SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 40-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
CHEERS!
-
There was a company of marines that grew rather fond of their drill sergeant. For Christmas that year they gave him a calendar. Every month was March. Every day was the 4th.
The old sergeant grew quite misty-eyed!
-
> Subject: Fwd: My cap
> Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the "Walmartians" is always good for some comic release. Besides I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent this establishment.
>
>
>
> But, I digress... enough of my psychological fixations.
>
>
>
> While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?"
>
>
>
> "No," I replied.
>
>
>
> "Then why are you wearing that cap?"
>
>
>
> "Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812."
>
>
>
> I thought this was a snappy retort.
>
>
>
> "The War of 1812, huh?" the "Walmartian" queried, "When was that?"
>
>
>
> God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936,"
>
>
>
> I answered, as straight-faced as possible.
>
>
>
> He pondered my response for a moment and then asked, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"
>
>
>
> "It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it."
>
>
>
> This was beginning to be way too much fun!
>
>
>
> "Dude! Really?" he exclaimed.
>
>
>
> "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"
>
>
>
> I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice said. "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
>
>
>
> "Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
>
>
>
> "Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage."
>
>
>
> The moron nodded knowingly.
>
>
>
> "Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."
>
>
>
> "Oh yeah?" he gave me that, 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"
>
>
>
> With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"
>
>
>
> The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.
>
>
>
> After checking out and going to the parking lot I saMy w the Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.
>
>
>
> Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of the parking lot in a flurry of dust.
>
>
>
> What a great time I had!
>
>
>
> Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap.
>
>
>
> Then the next day I will go to the County Welfare office so I can wear my Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the whole place.
>
>
>
> Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!
>
-
> Subject: Fwd: My cap
That's a woo.
That's so freakin' funny! :emot_laughing:
-
OmG!
I love that!
-
I posted this in response to pthlc and his skydiving thread. I'm re-posting it here for the rest of you. This is one that my Dad loves to tell.
Gen. Eisenhower was catching a ride on a C-47 across the Engilish channel, to visit his commanders who were then romping through France, toward the German border. Since they were not filled to capacity, a young paratrooper was put on board, so that he could rejoin his unit, after convalescing from a wound.
The flight was very routine, and as the C-47 circled the Paris airfield in preparation for landing, Gen. Eisenhower noted that the young paratrooper was white knuckled, pale, and trembling.
He leaned over to the paratrooper and said,
"Soldier, I can see from the bronze stars on your jump wings that you've made two combat jumps, so you've had lots of experience in these planes. Why are you so nervous?"
The paratrooper, looked at the general with wide eyes and replied, "Sir, I've jumped from these things hundreds of time, this is the first time I've ever landed in one."
-
I posted this in response to pthlc and his skydiving thread. I'm re-posting it here for the rest of you. This is one that my Dad loves to tell.
Gen. Eisenhower was catching a ride on a C-47 across the Engilish channel, to visit his commanders who were then romping through France, toward the German border. Since they were not filled to capacity, a young paratrooper was put on board, so that he could rejoin his unit, after convalescing from a wound.
The flight was very routine, and as the C-47 circled the Paris airfield in preparation for landing, Gen. Eisenhower noted that the young paratrooper was white knuckled, pale, and trembling.
He leaned over to the paratrooper and said,
"Soldier, I can see from the bronze stars on your jump wings that you've made two combat jumps, so you've had lots of experience in these planes. Why are you so nervous?"
The paratrooper, looked at the general with wide eyes and replied, "Sir, I've jumped from these things hundreds of time, this is the first time I've ever landed in one."
Definitely woo worthy! ;D
-
A guy next to me on the bus was reading a brochure from some precious metals scam artist. "Look at this!" he cried excitedly, "You can make a fortune buying and selling bars of metals!"
"That's bullion," I said.
"No! It's true, I tell you!"
-
A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
'"House" in French, is feminine "la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."'
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher thought it would be a good exercise to have the students decide what they thought the gender should be.
So she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you constantly find yourself spending more money on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model!
-
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men
and women differ so much. And I never have figured
out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never
figured out why men think with their head and women
with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting
into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she
eventually says, ‘I don’t feel like it, I just want you to
hold me.’
I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the
planet dreads to hear…
‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a
woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs
as a man.’
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t
you just love me for who I am and not what I do for
you in the bedroom?’
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night,
I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work
to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch
and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed
department store. I walked around with her while she
tried on several different very expensive outfits. She
couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d
just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said,
‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.’
We went on to the jewelry department where she
picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell
you… she was so excited. She must have thought I
was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think
she was testing me because she asked for a tennis
bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play
tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ‘That’s fine,
honey.’ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction
from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited
anticipation, she finally said,
‘I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.’
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No
honey, I don’t feel like it.’
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw
dropped with a baffled, ‘WHAT?’
I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff
for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial
needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your
shopping needs as a woman.’
And just when she had this look like she was going to
kill me, I added, ‘Why can’t you just love me for who I
am and not for the things I buy you?’
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at
least that bitch knows I’m smarter than her
-
Trip To The Farm....
After a trip to the farm and the children were back at school.
The teacher asked what sounds they heard while they were there.
One student...replied "MOO"
Another.........replied "OINK"
Yet another....replied "CLUCK"
Some others...replied "BAA"
One even.......replied "NEIGH"
The teacher was proud of her students for listening so well while they were there.
But way in the back of the classroom was Little Johnny with his hand up, so the teacher asked him what sounds he had heard...............................................
Little Johnny replied that he heard the Farmer ....."Get Off The Fucking Tractor.!!"
Love,
Liz
-
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him
into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting
on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his
shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something..!
But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned
with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the
bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could
resist no longer. "Miss Bea", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
(pointing to the bowl). "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the
organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know....I haven't had a
cold all winter."
-
WOO, really funny jokes! Especially Little Johnny and the condom. :^)
-
One evening the old farmer decided to go
down and check on the swimming hole,
because he hadn't been to that area of the
property in a while. He grabbed a five-
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As
he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch
of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his
presence, and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked."
Rob held the bucket up high and said, "I'm
here to feed the alligator."
Some old men can really think fast!
-
lol Love it! ;-)
-
lol, maybe this should be in politics,,, ;)
I have the distinguished honor of being on the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton.
We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore, until wediscovered there was not enough room for two more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside her husband William J. Clinton, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.
Thank you,
Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee
p.s.
The Committee has raised $.16 so far
-
Evil!!! But so funny!!! ;-)
-
A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested.
"If you want to cancel the wedding, then I'll understand," she said. The guy remarked, "I don't mind that you're flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway."
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because he is just like a baby below the waist. The girl remarked, "I don't mind that like a baby below the
waist, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway."
And so, the happy couple went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes. True to her word, she is as flat as a washboard. Then, the guy took
off his clothes. After one glance at his naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
When she regained consciousness, the guy said, "I told you before we got married, so why were you so surprised?"
"You told me it was just like a baby." The guy replied, "It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long!"
-
Stolen weapon found during search at Tennessee jail
Loaded Gun In Vagina
APRIL 22--A 19-year-old Tennessee woman had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina when she was brought into jail yesterday afternoon following a collar for driving with a suspended license, police report.
As Dallas Archer was being booked into the Kingsport jail, a female corrections officer alerted to an “unknown object” in the teenager’s crotch during a search.
The jailer and a female cop then accompanied Archer to a bathroom for further examination, a review that led to the recovery of a “North American Arms 22 LR revolver (loaded) which Ms. Dallas had concealed in her vagina,”according to a Kingsport Police Department report.
A subsequent check revealed that the five-shot mini-revolver--which is four inches in length--had been “stolen from an auto burglary in 2013.” The handgun, which police valued at $250 is owned by John Souther, a 70-year-old retired car salesman.
In a TSG interview, Souther said that the gun was taken from his 1994 Mustang, which was “ransacked” last year while parked in his Kingsport carport. Souther said that police told him that the revolver had been recovered, but offered no further details. When told where the gun had been stashed, Souther said, “Oh, gosh.” He noted that he would eventually like “the little fellow” returned, but added that the weapon would require “a bath in bleach.”
News of the weapon in Archer’s vagina was first reported by the Kingsport Times-News.
Archer, seen in the above mug shot, was charged with gun possession and introducing contraband into a penal facility.
According to a jail official, Archer was released from custody after posting $6000 bond.
Posted one-liners.
1. I thought it was her gun. Turns out it was snatched!
2. Gives new meaning to a gun having a "hair trigger".
3. Happiness is a warm gun?
4. At four inches in length it comes off as half cocked...
5. "For sale AA22LR never used; still in the box."
6. Report reads, "...Introducing contraband into a penal facility." Shouldn't that be 'penile' facility?
7. If it went off, could you call it her 'boom box'?
8. Remember : Every vagina is to be treated as if it is loaded. Always keep it pointed in a safe direction.
9. They say it was a gun, but something smells fishy.
10.You can have my gun when you can pry it from my cold, stinking...
11. Oh my... accident waiting to happen. Could 'shoot the beaver'.
12.I have heard of shooting your mouth off, but this takes on a "hole" new meaning...
13.Complete reversal on the classic, "Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
14.I wonder if she had 'gun-areah'?
15.Gives a whole new meaning to "Vaginal Discharge"...
16.Do you suppose she had a 'rectal reloader'?
17.A gun in hand is worth 2 in the bush?
18.Figures... it uses 'rim shot' ammo.
19.This supports the “Big Bang” theory.
-
*Wonderful English Messages translated from Around the World*
*In a Bangkok Temple:*
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
*Cocktail Lounge, Norway:*
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
*Doctor's Office, Rome:*
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
*Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:*
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
*A Nairobi Restaurant:*
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
*On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:*
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
*On a poster at Kencom:*
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
*In a City restaurant:*
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
*In a Cemetery:*
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
*Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:*
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN
BED.
*On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:*
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
*In a Tokyo Bar:
*SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
*Hotel, Yugoslavia:
*THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB
OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
*Hotel, Japan:*
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
*In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: *
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.
*A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:*
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT,
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
*Hotel, Zurich:*
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
*Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
*WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR
OWN ASS?
*Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: *
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL
DIRECTIONS.
*A Laundry in Rome:*
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
TIME.
*And finally, the all time classic, Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:*
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.
-
A roman walks into a bar and orders a martunis,
The bartender asks, " don't you mean a martini?"
Roman: if I wanted 2 I would have ordered 2.
Another Roman walks in, holds up two fingers and asks for
" five beers please"
-
Anvil, numeri, non a iocus.
-
hey, 5 beers are certainly nothing to non a iocus about!
unless its lone star or Coors light!
-
lol English does seem to be a tough language to translate to. :P
-
what's the difference between Hobby Lobby and Indiana?
Hobby Lobby won. :roll:
-
what's the difference between Hobby Lobby and Indiana?
Nothing. :roll:
-
The difference between lone star and coors is a 1000 mile trip over bumpy roads under a hot sun.
-
The difference between lone star and coors is a 1000 mile trip over bumpy roads under a hot sun.
LOL...Your father told you that..!!!
:D
Love,
Liz
-
He ought to know, he grew up 40 miles from the Coors brewery.
-
This may have been here before, but I like it.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no
after life at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word,
he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"
"Is that you, Frank?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more
times..
Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another
romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the
afternoon.
After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and
then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Texas."
-
been there, done that! he nailed it for sure!
Katiebee,
your Coors trip reminded me of when i was in Memphis for school.
Coors was not " legal" across the Mississippi river. a friend and I were logging flight hours. we flew home to Denver and loaded up with cases of Coors, and made a killing at the air station! paid for the trip!
Coors was good then, but it hasn't aged very well.
-
about the nail or the beer run? :)
-
I don't think Anvil got as much for his beer run as The Bandit did. :P
-
I made a few bucks doing that when I left Ft Sill in '76. Sold half to my buddies at FT Leonard wood on the way to Milwaukee, sold most of the rest there. I had two cases left when I got to Ft Stewart. When I mentioned it at my new shop, one guy offered my $15 for a six on the spot. He got his six, and I sold the rest at a more reasonable price.
-
yup, the difference in the cost of moonshine vs a bottle of Coors was,,,,close, but a weekend in Boulder vs Memphis Naval Air station was,,, priceless. ;)
-
A golfer comes off the course and goes into the club house. Glancing into the card room he sees four people playing a game of poker. What's remarkable is that one of the players is a dog. He watches for a while and the dog seems to be holding his own in the game.
Remarking on the amazing abilities of the dog, he asks how the pup's doing. The dogs owner grumbles and says, "He's lousy. Every time he gets a really good hand, he wags his tail."
-
Maybe an old 'un but a good 'un...
A Man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want?'
'God replied, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. Look at the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete, asphalt and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy. '
God replied: 'You want two lanes, or four, on that bridge?'
-
OUCH!!! lol
-
Ah the worst part of truth!
-
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
:emot_laughing:
-
A man in Arizona stole over seventy auto batteries from a Wal-Mart. Police are certain he has violated Ohm's Law but are having difficulty figuring the charge.
-
Just remember, Ohm's Law can never be violated! (I know people that have tried!)
-
Ohhhmmmmmmmmmmm!
-
Here's a new twist on an old joke. Or, if you wait long enough all things will become new again. ^-^
A poignant story from the Masters
A man had two of the best tickets for the Augusta Masters.
As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting
in the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would
have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world,
and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife always
would come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we
haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
find someone else?.. a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take
the seat?"
The man shakes his head...
...."No. They're all at the funeral."--
-
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
-
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
-
There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.
A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.
A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.
They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."
-
A tourist from the Atlanta area was hiking through the mountains of North Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" he asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.
"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.
"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door.. "This is the outhouse!"
-
A couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in a lovely restaurant. They were talking about how happy their marriage has been and still is.
The husband says, "We have been married for so long, 50 wonderful years, but there is something I have been meaning to ask you."
"Yes, dear, anything you want," replies the wife.
"Have you always been faithful? Come on, you can tell me; we have been married for so long nothing can change that."
Shocked as she was she figured she owed him the truth.
"I have been unfaithful three times," she says.
"Remember when you were going to lose the business and you desperately needed a loan, but none of the banks you went to gave you one. And then, on the weekend, one of the bank managers came to the house and gave it to you. Well that was the first time."
"I am shocked, but also I love you dearly because you sacrificed yourself to save me from bankruptcy. What about the 2nd time?" he asks.
"The second time was when you had the heart attack and needed that special surgery. Remember the heart specialist flew in from Chicago?" she said.
"Again I am shocked but I love you even more because you did it for me. You are truly a magnificent woman. Tell me the third time."
"Well, remember when you were running for mayor and you were 47 votes short...."
-
Georgie is walking down the street after a sex-change operation has transformed him into a beautiful woman.
An old friend sees him and says, "Georgie, you look great... you're beautiful!"
Georgie says, "Thanks... but holy Christ, did it hurt."
His friend says, "When they cut open your chest and put in those implants?" Georgie says, "No, that didn't really hurt."
His friend says, "When they cut off your genitals?"
Georgie says, "No, that didn't really hurt."
His friend says, "Then what did hurt?"
Georgie says, "When the doctor drilled a hole in my head and sucked out half my brain!"
-
Vinney, you better go into hiding! ;-) The ladies of KB will be hunting you down. :P
-
Vinney, you better go into hiding! ;-) The ladies of KB will be hunting you down. :P
Got to run now... Katie and Liz are gunning for me... :emot_laughing:
vinney
-
Vinney, you better go into hiding! ;-) The ladies of KB will be hunting you down. :P
Got to run now... Katie and Liz are gunning for me... :emot_laughing:
vinney
Hey Vinney...."Watch Out For Landmines"......(Just saying).
:D
Love,
Liz
-
Vinney, you better go into hiding! ;-) The ladies of KB will be hunting you down. :P
Got to run now... Katie and Liz are gunning for me... :emot_laughing:
vinney
Hey Vinney...."Watch Out For Landmines"......(Just saying).
:D
Love,
Liz
Sounds like there's a big blow job cumming my way if I'm very careful...
vinney
:emot_laughing:
-
ANCIENT CHINESE PROVERBS
Virginity like bubble - one prick all gone
Man who run in front of car get tired
Man who run behind car get exhausted
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it
Man who drive like hell bound to get there
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs
Man who farts in church sits in own pew
Crowded elevator smells different to midget
-
Two indigenous Australians were driving their well used and abused old EH Holden wagon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus".
Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'Gidday brudders! Two cold cans of Emu Export, tanks!'
The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'
The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in ta dat fing, I gotta a letter from me doctor in Alice Springs saying dat I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow inta dat.'
The cop smirked and said 'OK, in that case, we require you to give us a blood sample.'
'Nah, nah sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that eifer. Got a letter from the Red Cross in Darwin sayin' that I'm a haemophiliac and I could bleed to deaf rel quick if I gave a blood sample. Nah, sorry, boss, can't do that!'
By now the copper was getting very irate so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.
The driver shook his head and said, 'Nah, sorry boss, can't do that eifer.'
The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that as well!!!'
'Blood oath, mate!' says the driver, 'It's from Tony Abbott, the Prime Minister of this lovely Country of Australia . He's apologised, and it says that you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!
-
WOO, loved the Old Chinese Proverbs, Vinney! :^)
-
WOO, loved the Old Chinese Proverbs, Vinney! :^)
Confucius agrees GG... and so do I
vinney
-
Hey, Vinney, any chance there's enough of those Old Chinese Proverbs to start a thread on and do like five a day?
-
That would be good but I've got to find them first!
vinney :roll:
-
For fans of Star Trek:
You'll never see a Klingon jockey win The Tribble Crown.
>squee!< >squee!<
-
Hey, Vinney, any chance there's enough of those Old Chinese Proverbs to start a thread on and do like five a day?
We have enough "Chinese Proverbs" already.
Confucius he say OK Toe...
vinney
-
Vinney, that's no Chinese Proverb. That's China giving Hong Kong back to Britain! :P
-
that was NOT a joke dear hahahahaha
-
(http://i.imgur.com/F4x68w1.jpg)
-
I'm all about the second one, Bonney.
-
I'm all about the second one, Bonney.
I guessed that - but you been drinking Katie...? - where's Bonney come from...?
vinney :emot_laughing:
-
autocorrect, George.
Besides, I don't need grief. My gf is going to Costa Rica for a month on a school internship.
I'm just really feeling low. She left today.
-
autocorrect, George.
Besides, I don't need grief. My gf is going to Costa Rica for a month on a school internship.
I'm just really feeling low. She left today.
Chin up she'll be back, that's what I look forward too when someone I love goes away.
-
autocorrect, George.
Besides, I don't need grief. My gf is going to Costa Rica for a month on a school internship.
I'm just really feeling low. She left today.
Poor BeetieKay... I feel for you so, if you want some company whilst your gf is away I'll send Liz over...
-
Bull. Vinney, I know you and Watcher want to keep Katie company.
-
Bull. Vinney, I know you and Watcher want to keep Katie company.
;)
-
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OHH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . . "My fuckin Rolex!"
-
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his
HUMOROUS LAWYER JOKE SNIPPED
when the truck hit you!"
"OHH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . . "My fuckin Rolex!"
That was pretty damn funny. Having the misfortune to be related to several lawyers, it is spot on.
'bot
-
A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister."
"I do?" questions the confused youngster.
"Sure," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?
-
Ouch. :P File this under Kids Say The Darnedest Things
-
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
-
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute. " Do you know who the father is?"
Prostitute replies, " Oh! for heavens sake, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?
-
Hellmann's Mayonnaise -
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.
The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known,
of course, as "Sinko de Mayo".
-
-groans- lol
-
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
The iTit considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them…
-
Anvil, I need a wet squirrel with which to whop you upside the head for that joke.
:emot_weird: :emot_laughing:
-
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 260 men here on the post, and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a step-ladder behind the camel, the Captain climbs up, pulls his pants down and has a wild and insane time with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
Very embarrassed, the Sergeant replies, "No, not really sir!"
"They usually just ride the camel into town where all the girls are."
-
(http://i.imgur.com/elVeIaQ.jpg)
-
(http://i.imgur.com/f2Mzywr.jpg)
-
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
-
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at a pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
Then she beat the shit out of me.
-
An American solider, serving in World War II, had just returned from
several weeks of intensive action on the German front lines. He finally
got a train which was very crowded and walking for a long distance
finally found a seat. However, the seat was occupied by a dog which
belonged to a very well dressed woman. The weary warrior asked, may I
have this seat?
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said,
You Americans! You are such a rude class of people, can't you see my
little Fife is using this seat?
The soldier walked down the isle, found no seat and turned around. Again he found the same dog setting in the seat empty and asked the
same English woman, I am very very tired, may I please sit there?
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "Not only are you
rude, you are also arrogant! Imagine!
The soldier did not say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the
little dog and tossed it out the window.
The woman shrieked and demanded that someone chastise the solider.
An English Gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up. You Americans
do seem have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the
folk in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the
road, And now you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
-
Not to ruin the funniness of the joke, but the Brits were at war with the Germans too, they could show some damn appreciation for the soldier's efforts.
-
A Husband and Wife, both were very happy over the twelve pound baby boy that was born to them.
Mr. Brown, who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a twelve pound nugget of gold.
The editor upon hearing the seemingly extraordinary news was rather hesitant to accept it at its face value.
So he sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown. When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home.
The following interesting conversation took place between the reporter and Mrs. Brown:
Reporter: Does Mr. Brown Live here?
Mrs. Brown: Oh! Yes.
Reporter: Is he in?
Mrs. Brown: Why no, he went somewhere.
Reporter: Is it true that he owns a twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown: (Seeing the joke) Yes, indeed.
Reporter: Can I see the place where he found it?
Mrs. Brown: I am afraid, not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as it is strictly private.
Reporter: Is the place far?
Mrs. Brown: No, it is quite near and convenient.
Reporter: How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?
Mrs. Brown: Just for about ten months.
Reporter: Is the hole deep?
Mrs. Brown: Quite so...
Reporter: Has Mr. Brown reached the bottom of it?
Mrs. Brown: Not yet, but he is coming near...
Reporter: At about what time does Mr. Brown starts digging?
Mrs. Brown: Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.
Reporter: Does he work hard on it?
Mrs. Brown: You bet...........and how he perspires.
Reporter: Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?
Mrs. Brown: He thought he was...
Reporter: How do you know there was someone ahead of him?
Mrs. Brown: I am in a good position to say so, because I own the place.
Reporter: Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr. Brown?
Mrs. Brown: No, but for the present, he has the legal title to the site, with my consent.
Reporter: Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works on the claim?
Mrs. Brown: Yes, I work under him...
Reporter: When do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?
Mrs. Brown: I think not because he enjoys working on it.
Reporter: Can I see the twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown: Yes, certainly (and she showed him the twelve pound baby boy).
P.S.: The reporter has to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance.
-
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."
-
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
-
A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Yes, I am."
The baby said "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born" he said. He then looked at his father and asked "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"
-
Heehee That almost sounds like when Bill Cosby's wife gave birth to a daughter on two different pregnancies, and he described what each daughter "said" upon being born. ;-) lol
-
Bobby Ray and Susie Jane were fooling around out in the cornfield when Bobby Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I am getting so horny, you just have to let me have some."
Susie Jane said, "Well, maybe I will, but it is going to cost you a quarter."
Bobby Ray dug down in his pocket and said, "Susie Jane, I only got ten cents, and you just have to let me do it for ten cents."
Susie Jane said, "Ain't no way I am goin to do it for no ten cents, I said a quarter."
Bobby Ray said, "I tell you what Susie Jane, how about you just give me ten cents worth?"
Susie Jane said, "You must think I be crazy, cause you know you won't stop when I say you got ten cents worth.
Bobby Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I promise, I promise I will stop when you say I got ten cents worth."
So they get down between two rows of corn and start going at it.
After about a minute, Susie Jane said, "Bobby Ray, BOBBY RAY" and he said, "Oh Susie Jane, now don't tell me I have got ten cents worth already", and she said, "Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your left side? And Bobby Ray said,
"Uhuh." And she said, "Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your right side?" Bobby Ray said, "Uhuh."
Susie May said, "BOBBY RAY, you better grab ahold of those two big cornstalks, cause I'm a fixin to loan you fifteen cents".
-
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss!
She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
-
Heard this on Law & Order on Monday:
Women want one man to take care of all of their needs. Men want many women to take care of their one need.
-
BIOLOGY EXAM:
This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test,
he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
-
My cat has been contracted by a famous publishing house to write his autobiography. It's the first volume in a nine book series.
-
Just one more....
I heard on the radio the May is National Masturbation Month. A fellow at work informed me this week was Do-It-Yourself Week.
Wow. Talk about adding insult to injury.
-
Good ones, Aaron, WOO!
You need to come up with more Cat jokes to piss off our resident cat-hating hunter. ;-)
-
ANCIENT CHINESE PROVERB
Those who jump off bridge in Paris are in Seine.
-
ANCIENT CHINESE PROVERB
Virginity like bubble. One stick, all gone.
-
Breaking news: Godzilla is attacking Pacific islands. Currently chewing Guam!
-
ANCIENT CHINESE PROVERB
Woman who streaks is unsuited for her work
-
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.
The Police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court.
The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".
The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened".
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.
Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.
The judge says "OK".
"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates".
The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!"
Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my feckin fingers.”
-
Two high-society women are talking one Friday afternoon. The first one laments, "Oh dear, my husband sent me flowers this morning. Now I shall have to spend the weekend with my legs in the air."
The second woman replies, "Why dahling, don't you have a vahs?"
-
The parish priest needs his house painted, so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house; he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him $5.
The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much, Father. You're a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day, and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5 bill.
Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much, Father. You really are a virgin."
At this stage the priest decides to take action.
"Tommy," he says, "that's twice you've called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?"
"Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt."
-
A U.S.Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained
that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to
get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just
how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A captain said it was 50%-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure,
depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making
the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.
" The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.
-
There is major truth in that!
-
It's Friday! Apologize in advance for all the drunken mistakes you're going to make.
-
It's Friday! Apologize in advance for all the drunken mistakes you're going to make this weekend.
-
It's Friday! Apologize in advance for all the drunken mistakes you're going to make this weekend.
Was the double post one of yours? ^^
:emot_laughing:
-
I'm just one of the enlisted men. I do all the work, I don't have the answers. ;-)
-
I'm just one of the enlisted men. I do all the work, I don't have the answers. ;-)
Ha-ha-ha!
.... good reply!
-
Rumor has it Dolly Parton is planning to cover John Denver's "Sunshine On My Shoulders".
She tweeked the lyrics, changing them to
"Sunshine
On my boulders
Makes me horny"
-
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! You're running for President of the United States.
Act like one.
-
OUCH! lol WOO, Vinney!
-
By the way, how did Abby know Clueless was, well, you know? ;-)
-
The stationary.
-
lol She's too smart to give identity away if she wanted to remain anonymous. :P
-
(http://i.imgur.com/lw7cwAX.jpg)
-
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him £5 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him £10 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the milkman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The milkman drops his bottles, opens his arms and says:-
"Then come here and give your father a big hug."
-
Seen my new secretary?" asked the businessman.
"Yeah," his buddy replied," she's gorgeous."
"Well, she's a Robot, the latest model from Japan."
"Jeez, that's amazing! What can she do?"
"If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types 185 wpm for you. And when you screw her it feels better than the real thing."
"Sounds perfect."
"l almost got hurt once, though."
"How?"
"Well," he grimaced, "let's just say I didn't know her ass was a pencil sharpener."
-
A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.
One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; "Do you have motorcycle?
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
-
lol Vinney, the little old lady i'm picturing is the old lady with the thick glasses from the 1985 comedy Moving Violations who still can't see, do you know the old lady I mean? ;-) She was friends with the Where's The Beef? old lady who's also in the movie.
-
lol Vinney, the little old lady i'm picturing is the old lady with the thick glasses from the 1985 comedy Moving Violations who still can't see, do you know the old lady I mean? ;-) She was friends with the Where's The Beef? old lady who's also in the movie.
This one, GG?
(http://i.ytimg.com/vi/GXTgrWl92Qc/hqdefault.jpg)
-
lol Vinney, the little old lady i'm picturing is the old lady with the thick glasses from the 1985 comedy Moving Violations who still can't see, do you know the old lady I mean? ;-) She was friends with the Where's The Beef? old lady who's also in the movie.
This one, GG?
(http://i.ytimg.com/vi/GXTgrWl92Qc/hqdefault.jpg)
That's her! lol
I think she also played Adelaid on Diff'rent Strokes.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/AIlKStj.jpg)
-
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/1GPIl9e.jpg)
-
quote author=coacheric link=topic=13467.msg352903#msg352903 date=1433593105]
Forgot one Vinney
Gay meant happy.
Wife and I were talking about that last night from something old she saw at a garage sale
[/quote]
That it did, I have a copy of a 1955 dictionary and Gay meant exactly that "happy".
:D
Love,
Liz
-
My mother always would say. He or she was "queeer"
maant "Odd"
-
Happy, happy
gays... days... ;D
vinney
-
Rodeo style.
Everybody knows what cowboy style is, well here's Rodeo style.
The lady is on all fours and the man enters her from the rear hard enough to make her gasp, grabs a hand full of hair and pulls her head back with Passion. He then starts to slap her on the ass repeatedly while calling her by her sisters name.
Then tries to not get bucked off for 8 seconds.
-
If he lasts the 8 seconds does he give her a donkey punch?
-
He's likely to be trampled to death, after all, he won't have a rodeo clown to distract her when he tries to dismount.
-
He's likely to be trampled to death, after all, he won't have a rodeo clown to distract her when he tries to dismount.
OHHHH......
We "Got" plenty of Clowns in here...!!!!
:emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
-
Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."
"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first."
"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!"
"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."
Sniff, sniff ,"Ah perfume - you think of everything!"
"This is great....." (long sigh!)
Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
-
(http://i.imgur.com/7L9Fxqq.jpg)
-
U.S. Army rescues Isis sex slaves!
http://neveryetmelted.com/2014/09/22/marines-rescue-isis-sex-slaves/
-
U.S. Army rescues Isis sex slaves!
http://neveryetmelted.com/2014/09/22/marines-rescue-isis-sex-slaves/
LOL...I Love It.
I hope the "sex slaves" are now safe.!!!
:emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
-
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' catholic
-
NURSING HOME
A man goes to visit his grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
-
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window.
As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina! Help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit"
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina." The husband nodded and gave his approval.
The young lady said "Yes, yes whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."
So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.
The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"
-
As my wife says, "Doctors are just practicing medicine."
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
WOO, Vinney! I'm surprised the Viagra doesn't keep grandpa awake... ;-)
-
CNN Breaking News!!
South Carolina to ban the sale of Tylenol!!
They fear picking the cotton from the bottle may represent Racism and Slavery!!!
-
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish.But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box!
-
BUST - ED!!! ;-)
-
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
-
(http://i.imgur.com/McOGXrZ.jpg)
-
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit."
-
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money.
He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take all my money to the afterlife.”
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait a minute!”
She had a shoebox with her. She came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.
Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.”
She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”
-
The American Blood Transfusion Service is now using chicken blood for transfusions. It makes men cocky and women a little easier to lay.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/rbc68fh.jpg)
-
Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
------------------------
What's the best part of a blow job?
The silence.
(DUCKING!)
-
A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded,
"Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife confessed, "Not this time."
-
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/M6BRHEB.jpg)
-
Tom decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat".
Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!â€, she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't. "
-
A man and a woman decided to travel to a deserted mountain road to make love.
They park the car on a sloping shoulder off the road, take off all of their clothes, hop into the back seat, and start to rock the car.
Well, the car is an older model, and they forget to set the emergency brake properly, and so the car starts rolling...off the slope, over a small overhang, and crashes.
The woman is thrown clear, but the man is pinned inside the car.
Man: "You're going to have to go get some help, I'm stuck."
Woman: "Go get some help? I'm completely naked, you idiot!"
The man grumbles, gropes around the car as best he can, and pulls out one of his shoes.
"Here," he says, "put this where it will do you the most good, and go get some help, for Pete's sakes."
So the woman wedges the shoe between her legs, and starts waddling down the road.
Soon, she reaches a little shack.
She knocks on the door, and an old grizzled gentleman answers.
"You've got to help my boyfriend," blurts the nearly naked woman, "he's stuck."
The old gentleman eyes the woman up and down and replies, "Honey, if he's in that far, I am not sure we gonna get him out.
-
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear P. Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
-
Call a lawyer! Don't take that crap! ;-)
-
Umm, he has to. That was the other location than his normal work place he was seen entering.
-
So? She didn't read the contract they agreed to. KB is an acceptable place for him to come.
Oh, and I knew you'd have a rebuttal, Katie. :^) That's one of the things I enjoy about your posts and why I nominated you for Pervert Of The Month two months in a row until you got it. Not sure who's worthy this month now...
-
A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”
The man replies,”See that man playing piano over there? He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”
So the guy walks over to the genie and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.
The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, “That genie is a little hard of hearing isn’t he.”
The guy replies, “No kidding! You think I asked for a 14 inch Bic!”
-
Daughter: Mommy, I need to go shoppiing!
Mother: But we just went shopping.
Daughter: But that was for food! I need to go shopping for other stuff.
Mother: I knew if I gave you food this would lead to you wanting other stuff!
-
From FB source:
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his Mom and asks,
"What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.”
;D
-
(http://i.imgur.com/4kcZ6gX.jpg)
-
If a train station is where the train stops, then what is a work station?
-
Once upon a time a pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?"
The princess said, "No!!!!"
And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Weihenstephaner German beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End
-
Good way to handle this and save money.
This is a hoot.....but too close to the truth of today's kids and their cell phones and tablets.
A little humour from a Dad.
Daughter to Dad TEXTING Communication in Todays Generation:
Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon, so get out your check book. LOL
I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.
As you know, I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber.
My beloved and favourite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding."
Lots of love and thanks,
Your favourite daughter,
Lilly
Dads reply ....also by texting
My Dear Lilly,
Like Wow! Really? Cool!
Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal.
And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.
-
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.
-
THE POWER OF BELIEVING IN ONE'S FRIENDS
A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well, blonde. But she had no alternative.
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.
'I need an answer,' said Meredith.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'
'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
And Meredith replied, 'That answer is... absolutely correct ! You are now a millionaire!'
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
'Joni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'
'Oh, come on,' said the blonde. 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'
Sally fainted.
-
WOO, TD! Great one! :^)
-
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:
“What happened here today?’”
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, ‘”Well, today I didn’t do it.”
-
A woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
-
A guy was telling me in the pub about his ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" I said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling I began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
He said, "Yesterday."
-
Sexual innuendo is a hard topic to stay on top of. As a humour tool, it stands erect in the English language. While there are no hard and fast rules as to what constitutes sexual innuendo, there have been many mass-debates on the topic, and now the general principles at the root of the topic are firm and well-rounded. However, full penetration of the subject requires that the reader take a long, hard look at the target and be a cunning linguist in order to avoid limp phrases and imbibe the phrase with a large handful of meanings. The topic can become hot by attempting to grasp it, and the more one experiments with it, the more interested they become. Also, as the language changes innuendos must change in order to fill the newly created holes and satisfy listeners.
-
I'll post the beginning - you try to guess the punchline, or if that's too annoying and anyone is interested, I'll finish thejoke.
JOSEPH WALKS INTO A BAR AND SAYS "I'LL HAVE A BLOODY MARY." BARTENDER SAYS...
-
Yes this is too annoying. Just post the entire joke, please.
-
Yes this is too annoying. Just post the entire joke, please.
What she said.
-
JOSEPH WALKS INTO A BAR AND SAYS "I'LL HAVE A BLOODY MARY." BARTENDER SAYS, "You're in luck, she's in the back and God just left."
-
JOSEPH WALKS INTO A BAR AND SAYS "I'LL HAVE A BLOODY MARY." BARTENDER SAYS, "You're in luck, she's in the back and God just left."
:emot_laughing:
-
The Penis Poem.
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now a water spout!
Time was when, on its own,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now its just a full time job
To find the fucking thing!
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave,
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave!
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes!
-
My favorite Vinney! I lubs my Vinney!
-
Vinney, you put your shoes on BEFORE putting on your underwear and pants?!? Maybe not getting it up is the LEAST of your problems... ;-)
-
Welcum back, Vinney! Missed you!
-
Hey Vinney......Welcome Home..!!!
We all Missed you, Glad you made it back.
:D
Love,
Liz
-
Halloween Joke:
Two Nuns driving are home on a very dark Halloween night, when suddenly a vampire drops on to their car windshield. They can see his yellow eyes and blood dripping from his finger nails. "Quick" yells the nun driving the car to the other,
"show him your cross"!!......As quickly as she can the other nun rolls down the side window and leans way out of the car......."Get The Fuck Off Our Windshield" !!!!
she yells..
"Happy Halloween"....
Love,
Liz
-
Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby
Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.
"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."
"Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh, great! now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"
-
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.
The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.
"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."
"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."
-
Hey thanks for the welcum home...
Sorry I won't be posting regularly for a while but it's nice to know you missed me... so thanks to y'all:
dear beloved Katiebee,
GG for the helpful comment... ;D
RHL for noticing I've been missing...
and dear dear Liz who can cum and bite me any time...
Then other messages from Toe and Tiny Dancer...
I feel popular again...!!!
No joking this time!
vinney
-
A man walking along a California beach was in deep prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish." The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want to." The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking ;the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific;the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish,one that will honor and glorify me". After thinking long and hard,he finally said,"Lord I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they're thinking, why they cry,what they mean when they say' nothing',and how I can make a woman truly happy." After a few minutes the Lord said, "How many lanes you want on that bridge? "
-
(http://i.imgur.com/9oEoEMI.jpg)
-
The Logical Makes Perfect Sense
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, Mayday!!!
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".
He began his series of questions:
Tower : How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?
Aircraft: I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me.
Tower: Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?
Aircraft: I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/e0n34aN.jpg)
-
Little Johnny and Perhaps
A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression "I presume".
One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."
"Very good" said the teacher.
Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."
"That's excellent" says the teacher.
Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that......."
The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."
Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence."
The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."
"As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a crap because he can't read."
-
No, I'm NOT play-acting James Bond disarming a missile, I just hate the damned buzzer on the microwave!
-
My mate David had his ID stolen.
Now we have to call him Dav...
-
Idle, I'll give you a 10 second head start before I start shooting. Go now!
-
Idle, I'll give you a 10 second head start before I start shooting. Go now!
I don't need ten seconds when I have half a dozen time-zones...
*blows raspberry in general direction of the upstart colonials*
-
I have a nuke in orbit.
Remember, close only counts in horseshoes, grenades and nukes.
-
Oh, Katiebee, you say the sexiest things!
-
Oh, the good old days.
FOR THOSE
OF US WHO
REMEMBER
Hollywood
Squares:
These
great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what
is a good reason for pounding
meat?
A.
Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The
audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the
show!)
Q. Do female
frogs croak?
A.
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads
under water
long enough.
Q. If you're
going to make a parachute jump, at least how
high should you be
A.
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking
should do it.
Q. True
or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000
years...
A.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way
sometimes.
Q. You've
been having trouble going to sleep. Are you
probably a man or a
woman?
A..
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me
awake.
Q. According to
Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party
and you think that
he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask
him if he's married?
A..
Rose Marie: No, wait until
morning.
Q. Which
of your five senses tends to diminish as you get
older?
A.
Charley Weaver: My sense of
decency..
Q. In
Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to
say 'I Love You'?
A.
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a
pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What
are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get
Enough'?
A.
George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from
the next apartment.
Q. As
you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or
less with your hands while
talking?
A.
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old
question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture
you'll never forget.
Q. Paul,
why do Hell's Angels wear
leather?
A.
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too
easily.
Q.. Charley,
you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are
you going to get any during the first
year?
A..
Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy
growing strawberries.
Q. In
bowling, what's a perfect
score?
A.
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin
boy.
Q. It is
considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects
at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the
other?
A.
Paul Lynde: Tape
measures..
Q. During
a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in
the closet?
A.
Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe
in the bedroom.
Q. Can
boys join the Camp Fire
Girls?
A..
Marty Allen: Only after lights
out.
Q. When
you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail.
What will a goose do?
A.
Paul Lynde: Make him
bark?
Q. If
you were pregnant for two years, what would you
give birth to?
A.
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be
afraid of the dark..
Q. According
to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with
getting into the habit of kissing a lot of
people?
A.
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the
army.
Q. It
is the most abused and neglected part of your
body, what is it?
A.
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly
isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the
old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on
his head, what was he trying to
do?
A.
George Gobel: Get it in his
mouth.
Q. Who
stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your
wife or your elephant?
A.
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my
elephant?
Q. When a
couple have a baby, who is responsible for its
sex?
A..
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest
is up to him
Q. Jackie
Gleason recently revealed that he firmly
believes in them and has actually seen them on
at least two occasions. What are
they?
A.
Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According
to Ann Landers, what are two things you should
never do in bed?
A.
Paul Lynde: Point and
laugh
-------------------
WE
DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW
OLD,
WE GROW
OLD BECAUSE WE STOP
LAUGHING
-
WOO, awesomely great post!!!
-
Objection from a former Sailor!
To all Concerned:
I object and take exception to everyone who says Obama and Congress are spending money like a drunken Sailor.
As a former drunken Sailor, I quit when I ran out of money.
-
Objection from a former Sailor!
To all Concerned:
I object and take exception to everyone who says Obama and Congress are spending money like a drunken Sailor.
As a former drunken Sailor, I quit when I ran out of money.
That's about right!
-
Funny Enough, But said Drunken Sailor most likely did it better than our Government could.
:emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
-
Sorry about this one but...
(http://i.imgur.com/5Yz5DLM.jpg)
...it made me laugh...
vinney
-
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
-
(http://i.imgur.com/4FYslih.jpg)
-
Really not sure what's more frightening: the fact that Bernie Sanders says that climate change causes Islamic terrorism, or the fact that the audience did not laugh uproariously immediately after he said it!
-
A billionaire was having a party at his house, and in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it.
He announced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without getting attacked could either have all his money, his wife, or his house.
So when everyone got back to talking all of a sudden a guy is in the pool swimming as fast as he can and when he gets to the other side and jumps out.
The billionaire goes.. "Holy shit, I didn’t think anyone was going to do it, but anyway, you want the money right?" and the guy says "no",
So the billionaire says, "oh, you want my house?" and the guys says "no" and so the billionaire says," what, you want my wife, then?"
But the guys says "hell no"
So the billionaire says "well what the fuck do you want?"
The guy's still trying to catch his breath says, " I want the motherfucker who pushed me in the pool.”
-
A Carrickmore woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge..
-
She's not getting out of that ticket now... ;-)
-
John woke up one morning and was feeling really tired and run down. He decided he needed to take the day off so he called his boss and told him he wouldn’t be in today.
His boss said "no problem, take care of yourself and get better".
The next morning, John still felt really rundown and but he knew he really needed to get to work since his boss depended on him.
He called his boss and said "I still feel run down but I am gonna try to make it in".
His boss says "I really appreciate that. You know when ever I feel really down I have my wife give me a blow job and it perks me right up. It never fails".
John thinks to himself maybe I’ll try that.
Two hours later John shows up at work and when his boss sees him he says "you look very refreshed and energized".
John says "I took your advice and it worked wonders".
His boss says "see it never fails".
John replys "you are so right" and then says "by the way you have a really nice house".
-
Phtlc walks into a bar full of steroided up cats. The door is immediately locked behind him. You guess the rest. ;-)
-
Phtlc walks into a bar full of steroided up cats. The door is immediately locked behind him. You guess the rest. ;-)
:emot_laughing:
That's Mean.........
Love,
Liz
-
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in London.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologise, when the Blonde yells: "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee.”
-
https://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash2/v/t1.0-9/10350548_10152673168728458_1672104599313106847_n.jpg?oh=66a11a3d98e42bc7de14523415354d52&oe=56EA9DE1(http://)
-
https://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash2/v/t1.0-9/10350548_10152673168728458_1672104599313106847_n.jpg?oh=66a11a3d98e42bc7de14523415354d52&oe=56EA9DE1(http://)
Fantastic......
I love this.
:D
Love,
Liz
-
So my girlfriend flew up this morning for a business meeting.
After a tiny breakfast, she asked the flight attendant for another one.....thinking fast......because shes pregnant.
Flying back later, she got on the plane and ordered a bottle of wine.
Guess who is the attendant? ;D
Should I bail her out if she's arrested for child endangerment?
-
Overheard said by a woman:
"Sure, I would love to eat healthy. But then I think about Eve, how she ate an apple and doomed the whole human race. So I don't know, don't think i'll risk it".
-
Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for.
Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.
The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.
The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms."
The third nurse fainted.
-
Good Vinnie. I first heard that with Nuns playing a prank on a priest when they found condoms in his room.
-
The Psychiatrist & The Proctologist
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again. Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance. "Nuts and Butts" - no way. "Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good. "Loons and Moons" - forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it.
-
Why Parents Drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.
So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello?"
'Is your daddy home?'
Small voice whispered, 'Yes, he's out in the garden'
'May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No'
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'
'Yes she's out in the garden too'
The boss asked; ‘May I talk with her?'
Again the ' No'.
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes' whispered the child, 'a policeman'.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, He's busy,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men.'
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
'It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
'The search team just landed a helicopter'
'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... 'ME'
-
OMG....I Love It....!!!
That reminds me of the time when I was little I climbed up a huge pine tree to hide from everybody, but I was to scared to climb down and the Fire department had to rescue me.
Love,
Liz
-
I accidentally locked myself in a closet when I was three. It took my parents four hours to find me. I was terrified out of my mind and they were about nuts when they found me. They were both hard of hearing and the clothes in the closet muffled my screams.
-
OMG....I Love It....!!!
That reminds me of the time when I was little I climbed up a huge pine tree to hide from everybody, but I was to scared to climb down and the Fire department had to rescue me.
Love,
Liz
Liz you little devil... you'd do anything to get carried away by a fireman...
vinney :emot_laughing:
ps did he bite you...?
:emot_kiss:
-
"I finally found a perfect girl
I could not ask for more
Shes deaf and dumb and oversexed
And owns a liquor store"
-
Which may mean she's fucking all of her customers too... ;-)
-
Grandfather explaining The Circle Of Life to his grandson.
Grandfather: See, take fishing. Fish eats worm, man eats fish!
Grandson: Who eats man?
Grandfather: That's the beauty of it! We're at the top of the food chain. And we're Americans! We're WAY at the top!
Grandson: But that's not a circle.
Grandfather: Okay, how about this? Fish eats worm, we eat fish, then when we die the worms eat us!
-
OH OH OH!
(Santa climaxing)
-
That's the noise he makes when he cums down the chimney.
-
Damn it! That's how the fire went out! :P
-
Florida woman stops alligator attack using a small Beretta pistol .
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took....
The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible.
-
[This one will go RIGHT over your head if you don't know WHAT Krampus is and WHO Krampus is... :P ]
Billy Squier sings "Christmas is a time to say 'I love you' "
Well, if that's the case, Krampus is the time to say "I want to eat you"
;-)
:P
-
Should that not read "Krampus says, I want to eat you"?
Krampus, for those who haven't looked it up, is the antithesis of St. Nick
-
Krampus is also a a period of about two weeks in December in connection with the Krampus persona. :P
-
Now I will tell my "ladies" I am helping Krampus!
-
What are you doing helping Krampus?!? :o lol
-
Subject: Harley Biker
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Louisiana when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says,' Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.
I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I' m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
That pretty much sums up the media ' s approach to the news these days!
-
There is a lot of yellow journalism going on.
The liberal media isn't the worst offender.
The pundits, the distinctly a political blogs and news letter sites are the ones to beware of.
-
And it was a good joke! regardless of the editorial attached
-
Little Guy
Once upon a time, a guy was sitting at a bar.
He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar tips and buying drinks for everyone.
He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women. The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that would jump from the rich guy's pocket.
The little man would run up and down the bar, kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger.
Then the little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while.
The barman went over and asked the guy what was up.
So the rich guy says, "Well, let me tell you a little story. I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp. I rub it, and a genie popped out. I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy.
Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both.
"The barman asks, "So what about that little guy in your jacket?"
"Oh, that," mumbles the rich guy. "That's the twelve-inch prick I wished for."
-
At least that's better than the one where the guy asks the Genie to make him hung like a Black man...
-
Seems I got a BOO for the above statement. I hoped you also BOOed the persons who told the joke, I know i've seen it told twice somewhere here in Joke Of The Day.
-
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.
-
Bust - ed! lol
-
(http://i.imgur.com/KwaCF6q.jpg)
-
Einstein developed and proved this remarkable formula: Energy = Mass x Speed of Light squared. He was a brilliant genius as we all know.
Another lesser known of Einstein's formulas determined if you were to strip naked and run around in a tight circle at the speed of
186,282 miles/sec (the speed of light) it could be possible for you to come up behind and screw yourself!
Should you determine you are not physically capable of reaching that speed at your age however, you can easily achieve the same result by voting for Hillary Clinton in the November 8, 2016 election
-
Somehow, I find that thought more scary than funny.
Hell + Handbasket = The November Election :emot_laughing:
-
It is scary, because this is The Joke Of The Day, now The Political Fact Of The Day...Anvil ;-) lol
-
*not
-
;) I wasn't sure if I should place it here or in politics!
But the real joke here is you could change Hillary for Trump and its just as funny!
-
:
I'm a guy, single. She lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex tonight. Are you doing anything?"
I replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"
There are times when being a senior citizen really stinks!
-
Thanks for rubbing it in, Anvil! That's where this senior has been for the past few years. Taking two dogs to the dog park. Both ladies are really hot too. At least I still have memories of younger days. ;D
-
For a woman to walk up to her neighbor's house and say that, either she's very bold, or somewhat ditzy... Just sayin'
-
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate time of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
-
An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighbourhood bar and ordered a drink.
The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.
"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop having sex with his wife."
"So stop," the barkeep said.
"I can't," the womaniser replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"
-
perhaps this should be in politics, but it sure made me laugh!
Tyrone was having trouble in school; his teacher was always yelling at him, ?You?re driving me crazy, Tyrone; Can?t you learn anything??
One day Tyrone's mother came to school to see how he was doing.
The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster,
getting very low marks, and that she had never
had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her entire teaching
career.
Tyrone?s mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son
from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.
25
years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease.
Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which
only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.
Left with
no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was
remarkably successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery
she saw the handsome young doctor who headed her surgical team smiling
down at her.
She wanted to thank him, but could not
talk.
Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to
tell him something, but quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering
what went wrong so suddenly.
When the
doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw Tyrone, now a janitor at
the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment
in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.
If you thought
that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that
you will vote for Hillary.
-
That made you laugh??? :o
-
With that last sentence it does belong in politics or 1408.
Without the last sentence it is humorous.
-
Death...not so funny.
Actually, the joke's stupid. The surgery went well. There was no need for her to be on life support at any time. -shaking my head-
-
A young couple had been married for a short period of time. Then one day, as mother in-laws often do, she entered the house unannounced and found her daughter in-law buck naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" Asked the mother in-law.
"Waiting for my husband to come home," The daughter in-law said unashamed.
"But you're naked."
"It's my birthday suit," The young woman smiled. "He just loves to come home and see me in it."
So after the older woman left, she couldn't stop thinking about what her daughter in-law had said.
So when she got home she showered, did her hair, put on makeup and perfume and layid on the couch naked.
When her husband came home he asked "What are you doing?"
"I'm wearing my birthday suit," The wife smiled.
"It's winkled," He said. "So what's for dinner?"
-
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy.
-
Well, forewarned is prepared.
I think there is a lot of cheap entertainment going about due to the coming election. Too bad it has to be for the presidency. You could full in the name of St least two different candidates from each party and it would still be funny.
So try this non political one.
I hate getting shit for wearing my Daisy. Dukes, its nice out and I like showing off my body.
I'm really getting tired of the rude remarks "your legs are hairy, and your dicks hanging out!"
-
(http://i.imgur.com/WwU3o2d.jpg)
-
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ......
'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'
-
Ouch ;-)
-
Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.
:emot_laughing:
-
boxing practice for the ladies.
http://49.media.tumblr.com/78b0ea895b9632dd2e58583c7846bb6e/tumblr_nzjcnbVOpm1uiiafgo1_400.gif
-
http://i.imgur.com/rKA0we4.jpg
-
(http://i.imgur.com/rKA0we4.jpg)
Sorry for the dp, I'm trying to figure out how to post pics, not just the url
That didn't work. I tried following Gina's how to but no luck.
Any advice?
(I fixed it. You have to close the image tag with [/img] - Lois)
-
A mother and her young son were driving through the country one day.
They happened upon a horse, and its long cock was unsheathed. It was as long as her husband's arm.
The boy asked about it, but his embarrassed mother evaded his questions.
Finally he asked "Is he sick, mom?"
"I wish your father was half that sick..."
-
"I went to a website (wayfair.com) to look at a couch and it would not let me look around without giving an email address, so I put in "fuckyou@fuckyou.com". It accepted the address and popped up a message "Welcome back, looks like you've already signed up!". Guess I'm not the only one...."
-
Railroad gauge
Railroad Tracks
The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.
That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the U.S. Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did 'they' use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Why did the wagons have that particular Odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So, who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match
for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.
Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches
is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
In other words, bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder, 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right.
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.
Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.
These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.
The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.
The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature
of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important!
Now you know, Horses' Asses control almost everything.
Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn't it?
-
Great history lesson! I love useless knowledge!
-
1947
The year was 1947. Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little More than 66 years ago, numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and Mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico .
This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered-up by
The U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations..
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April, year 1948, Nine months after the historic day, the following people were born:
Barrack Obama Sr.
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
William J. Clinton
John F. Kerry
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
Joe Biden
This is the obvious consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and
Jack-asses.
I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It
Certainly did for me.
And now you can stop wondering why they support the bill to help Illegal Aliens .
Thank you Lois on the pic help!
-
Many years ago, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John, she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles.
Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now" Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset.
So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I guess" I said.
-
Hmm...I better start riding a cart from now on instead of walking. 8)
-
(http://i.imgur.com/A4UgawL.jpg)
Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
-
Makes sense.
lol
-
So HE'S the one...blast him...
(http://i.imgur.com/3sphFfU.jpg)
-
Hahahaha. Cute Mr V. I suppose there has been a time or two I've been told I talk a little too much.
-
(https://scontent.cdninstagram.com/t51.2885-15/s640x640/sh0.08/e35/12558629_166850123693342_656660947_n.jpg?ig_cache_key=MTE4MTMzMjEzMjQ3NjI4NjU5Nw%3D%3D.2)
-
1947
The year was 1947. Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little More than 66 years ago, numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and Mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico .
This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered-up by
The U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations..
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April, year 1948, Nine months after the historic day, the following people were born:
Barrack Obama Sr.
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
William J. Clinton
John F. Kerry
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
Joe Biden
This is the obvious consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and
Jack-asses.
I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It
Certainly did for me.
And now you can stop wondering why they support the bill to help Illegal Aliens .
Thank you Lois on the pic help!
This would be funnier if any of those births were true. On the other hand Terry Pratchett was born in April 48, which would explain a lot...
-
If a man who thinks women are inferior is called a misogynist, what do you call a woman who thinks men are inferior?
Married!
-
Back during my college days, I knew a really cool co-ed, white as the driven snow, very attractive. She was the girlfriend of a buddy of mine, cool guy, tall, dark & handsome, son of an eastern potentate from one of those countries bordering on Egypt. So at a party one time I asked, just as a way to start the conversation, what she had in mind for a career after she graduated (the campus equivalent of 'what do you want to be when you grow up?'). With no hesitation, she shot back "A misanthrope." I had a good laugh at that. I told her that would be a very fertile field, maybe not very lucrative, but lots of psychological satisfaction.
-
Did you hear about the guy addicted to brake fluid? Said he could stop anytime!
-
On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?"
At this point, a older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass???"
-
If you have to ask you can't afford it. :^)
-
Why don't cows have feet?
Because they lactose.
-
That was a true laugh out loud one, Gravity.
Thanks!
:-*
Jules
-
Lead Me Not Into Temptation…
(http://i.imgur.com/lwpXD0D.jpg)
An Apple product, I'll bite. Looking at the ipad pro. I will wait until Sept announcement though.
-
Just Another Blond Joke
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
-
LMAO :emot_laughing:
-
If you are swallowed by an elephant what should you do?
Run around inside until you get all pooped out.
-
(http://pingping.fantasti.cc/big/d/a/n/dancinghomer/dancinghomer_739817.jpg)
-
Went to the wedding this weekend with my friend. She had warned me on the drive there that her cousin is a comedian and every time she sees him, he tells her a lesbian joke. I finally meet him and after introductions he says, "Hey, do you know how a lesbian holds her liquor?"
Knowing it was a joke but kind of confused by the question I shake my head.
"By the ears."
Took me a second, but then I started laughing.
My friend says, "Oh Jules, that is so old. Laughing at that, you're going to be his best friend tonight." Well, that did it. Every time I bumped into him I'd get another one. Like 50 different jokes.
-
That reminds me.....
What the worst part about eating rabbit?
Their little feet hitting you in the face.
What's the worst part about eating a vegitable?
Getting them back into the wheelchair.
-
That reminds me.....
What the worst part about eating rabbit?
Their little feet hitting you in the face.
What's the worst part about eating a vegitable?
Getting them back into the wheelchair.
Rabbit joke=funny.
Vegetable joke= Really Cap'n?
:),
Jules
-
Believe it or not I've got worse. Much much worse.
-
Believe it or not I've got worse. Much much worse.
Hahaha
Oh, I'm sure you do.
-
Believe it or not I've got worse. Much much worse.
The pun police will be watching for you!
-
:hitler:
Ve haf vays to make you obey.
-
:hitler:
Ve haf vays to make you obey.
You look so sexy dressed up as a Nazi, especially how you have strategically placed those swastikas. 8)
-
Take him out
:hitler:
Ve haf vays to make you obey.
You look so sexy dressed up as a Nazi, especially how you have strategically placed those swastikas. 8)
take him out und severely chastise him to death.
-
Vedy interesting but shtoopit.
-
Take him out :hitler:
Ve haf vays to make you obey.
You look so sexy dressed up as a Nazi, especially how you have strategically placed those swastikas. 8)
take him out und severely chastise him to death.
So where's this picture of Katie dressed like a Nazi? :^)
-
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange and blue. My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough she sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew that he would have a good one. In classic style he responded without batting an eye....."Got stoned once and fucked a parrot. Just wondering if you were my daughter."
-
Because this is the internet, we can't trust anyone to be who or what they really are, therefore we don't know who exactly made up this story, but if it really was your father, buy him a beer on me, because that riposte is beyond Churchillian. Consider this post to be double-posted in Made My Day, and woo to you!
-
I agree, TD, that was one of the funniest jokes I'd heard in a long time, WOO!!!
If it is true, though, I'm curious how parrot girl reacted...
-
T. S. Eliot once admitted that he got the idea for a line in The Wasteland from an ancient Indian manuscript. He was unapologetic, saying that all the great authors steal from each other, going back through antiquity. Thus we forgive and applaud Tiny Dancer for dressing up an old joke in a new suit, and thank Gravity for coming up with the ancestral version. Eliot explained that what marks a great author from the average scribe is knowing what stuff is good to steal.
-
Google says Mark Twain. Of course, Abraham Lincoln once said that you can't trust every quote you read on the internet.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rinoceros?
Elephino...
-
Here is a cultural anthropology researched joke.
It was told in ancient Assyria .
A wolf sees a rabbit run flat out across the countryside. The wolf looks around and sees nothing chasing the rabbit. Curious he chases after the rabbit, and catching up to it asks,"brother rabbit, why are you running away so fast with nothing chasing you?"
Without stopping, the rabbit replies, "the secret police are arresting and executing all camels."
This astounds the wolf. "But brother rabbit, you aren't a camel, you're a rabbit!"
Without breaking stride, the rabbit replies, "Yes, but who's going to tell the secret police that?"
-
What do you get from kissing canaries?
Chirpees, it's a "Canareal Disease"
-
T. S. Eliot once admitted that he got the idea for a line in The Wasteland from an ancient Indian manuscript. He was unapologetic, saying that all the great authors steal from each other, going back through antiquity. Thus we forgive and applaud Tiny Dancer for dressing up an old joke in a new suit, and thank Gravity for coming up with the ancestral version. Eliot explained that what marks a great author from the average scribe is knowing what stuff is good to steal.
Of course it's an old joke...topic is JOKE of the day, and I stole it from the internet. Oh and while I thank y'all for the applaud I don't need to be forgiven by anybody on this board.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/SKpdjYA.jpg)
-
(http://i.imgur.com/SKpdjYA.jpg)
Not A Chance.........Does he have a boat with a decent motor.??
:D
Love,
Liz
-
It was a sunny afternoon when Jesus and Moses were playing golf. They walked up to a hole with a water hazard. Jesus says to Moses, "Give me my driver." Moses replies, "You better play a wedge and lay up." Jesus answers, "I saw Arnold Palmer drive this green just last week." So, Moses hands him his driver. Jesus hits the ball and it flies straight into the pond. Jesus tells Moses, "Go get my ball." Moses wades out into the hazard and retrieves the ball.
Jesus again says, "Moses, give me my driver." Moses gives him a strange look and answers, "You just hit it into the water. You better play a wedge and lay up." Jesus again says., "I saw Arnold Palmer drive this green last week." Moses again hands him the driver. Jesus hits the ball and it drops right into the pond. Jesus tells Moses to go get his ball. Again, Moses wades out into the water and brings the ball back.
Moses then tells Jesus, "You better play the wedge and lay up." Jesus answers, "Nope, give me my driver. Arnold Palmer drove this green last week." Moses hands him the driver and says, "Ok, but don't say I didn't warn you." Jesus takes his swing and sure enough, right back into the hazard. He looks to Moses and before he could say anything Moses says, "Oh no, I told you to lay up three times. You go get your own damn ball."
So, Jesus walks out on top of the water to retrieve his ball. Just then another couple walks up. The man looks at Jesus, then and Moses, and says, "Who the hell does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses looks at the man sternly and answers, "No, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"
-
Why do I get the feeling he helped her into the lion's mouth? :o
-
A American business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day early. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Soko janai!, Soko janai!". Hearing this, the American knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep. The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the American joined in and began yelling, "Soko janai! Soko janai!" Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"
-
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
-
One evening a young child opens the door to their parents bed room, walks in, and sees them having sex with mom on top. The child asks, "Mommy, what are you doing?" The mother replies, "Your daddy's belly gets full of air and I have to help him get it out." The child promptly answers, "Well, that's because the neighbor lady comes over during the day and blows him back up."
-
Woman Angry with Boyfriend about what He Did in Her Dream
(http://i.imgbox.com/27UujI7a.jpg) (http://imgbox.com/27UujI7a)
A woman who dreamed that her partner was having an affair with her best friend has remained absolutely furious about it for the whole day.
Joanna Kramer of Bristol blanked her boyfriend over breakfast and has not replied to any of his puzzled texts because she is not yet ready to forgive him.
She said, "He knows full well what he's done. Kissing her right there in front of everybody, on that cake stall I used to go to as a girl which was now on board a ship for some reason. At the time I was distracted because I'd only just left an exam I had no idea I was meant to be sitting, but I woke up angry and it's only got worse. He's got some serious making-up to do."
Partner, Joe Turner said, "I'm expected to buy her flowers because her unconscious mind decided I was unfaithful? Ridiculous. Of course I didn't tell her that I had the exact same dream and it was awesome."
Not for nothing....."But"....this guy is in a "No Win" situation.
Love,
Liz
-
Woman Angry with Boyfriend about what He Did in Her Dream
(http://i.imgbox.com/27UujI7a.jpg) (http://imgbox.com/27UujI7a)
A woman who dreamed that her partner was having an affair with her best friend has remained absolutely furious about it for the whole day.
Joanna Kramer of Bristol blanked her boyfriend over breakfast and has not replied to any of his puzzled texts because she is not yet ready to forgive him.
She said, "He knows full well what he's done. Kissing her right there in front of everybody, on that cake stall I used to go to as a girl which was now on board a ship for some reason. At the time I was distracted because I'd only just left an exam I had no idea I was meant to be sitting, but I woke up angry and it's only got worse. He's got some serious making-up to do."
Partner, Joe Turner said, "I'm expected to buy her flowers because her unconscious mind decided I was unfaithful? Ridiculous. Of course I didn't tell her that I had the exact same dream and it was awesome."
Not for nothing....."But"....this guy is in a "No Win" situation.
Love,
Liz
Aw shucks... it's alright for some people to have headaches... obviously this guy has got one as well... and if he hasn't he will have when she knocks the stuffing out of him...
vinney
-
Okay......How exactly can you defend yourself against a dream...??
It never physically happened, it was her (or yours) imagination.
How do you come up with a defense against something like this.
Even a Lawyer (like Toe) would probably cringe at this if it even came to court for Divorce (because of a dream..??.....WTH.)
Love,
Liz
-
Okay......How exactly can you defend yourself against a dream...??
It never physically happened, it was her (or yours) imagination.
How do you come up with a defense against something like this.
Even a Lawyer (like Toe) would probably cringe at this if it even came to court for Divorce (because of a dream..??.....WTH.)
Love,
Liz
Unless you talk in your sleep... and I don't think you did Liz... :D ... who knows what the hell you were dreaming about... but in this case...
Typical...! Dream something and believe it...? Or dream something and enjoy it...? Whatever... it's up to her to prove he was unfaithful... and unless he had a wet dream there's no way she can prove it... Therefore no defence necessary...
I think...
vinney
-
Hmmm. Do you think she's trying to tell Phil something? :P
-
One evening a nun was walking along a dimly lit path. Suddenly a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged her back in. He then proceeded to rape her. Afterwards he asked her, "What are you going to tell the Mother Superior when you get back to the convent?"
She replied, "Well, I am going to have to tell her the truth. As I was walking along this path a bad man jumped out of the bushes, dragged me back in, and raped me twice. If you're not too tired."
-
What's the difference between the wedding night and the 50th anniversary night?
On the wedding night, the woman says "OH NO, its too big!"
On the 50th anniversary night, the man says "OH NO, its too big!"
-
:emot_laughing: like throwing a hot dog down the hallway.
-
Australian Missing Person
Australian husband to Australian police sergeant: “Sergeant, my wife is missing. She went shopping and hasn’t come home.”
Sergeant: “What’s her height?”
“Gee, not sure, a little over 5 feet.”
“Weight?”
“Not slim, not really fat.”
“Eye colour?”
“Brown, I think, not sure, never really noticed.”
“Hair colour?”
“Changes a couple of times a year… maybe brown.”
“What was she wearing?”
“Could have been pants… don’t know to be certain.”
“What kind of car was she in?”
“She went in my truck.”
“What kind of truck?”
“A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine, special ordered, with manual transmission and climate-controlled-air-conditioning. Custom leather six-way seats and Bubba floor mats. Full GPS navigation, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting…”
At this point the husband starts choking up.
Sergeant: “Don’t worry, mate. We’ll find your truck.”
WHY...??
Does this sound like soooooo many guys....!!!!!!!
I know it a joke and suppose to be funny, but I also know a few guys that fit this perfectly.
Love,
Liz
-
Australian Missing Person
Australian husband to Australian police sergeant: “Sergeant, my wife is missing. She went shopping and hasn’t come home.”
Sergeant: “What’s her height?”
“Gee, not sure, a little over 5 feet.”
“Weight?”
“Not slim, not really fat.”
“Eye colour?”
“Brown, I think, not sure, never really noticed.”
“Hair colour?”
“Changes a couple of times a year… maybe brown.”
“What was she wearing?”
“Could have been pants… don’t know to be certain.”
“What kind of car was she in?”
“She went in my truck.”
“What kind of truck?”
“A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine, special ordered, with manual transmission and climate-controlled-air-conditioning. Custom leather six-way seats and Bubba floor mats. Full GPS navigation, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting…”
At this point the husband starts choking up.
Sergeant: “Don’t worry, mate. We’ll find your truck.”
WHY...??
Does this sound like soooooo many guys....!!!!!!!
I know it a joke and suppose to be funny, but I also know a few guys that fit this perfectly.
Love,
Liz
Names...?
:emot_laughing:
-
Liz is one to talk. She feels the same way about her horses. So don't "borrow" one, Vinney. ;-)
-
Liz is one to talk. She feels the same way about her horses. So don't "borrow" one, Vinney. ;-)
Huggssss GG......
While I slowly twist your nuts off.....
Whispering......"BITE ME"....in your ear.
:emot_laughing:
Love ya....
Liz
-
Liz is one to talk. She feels the same way about her horses. So don't "borrow" one, Vinney. ;-)
Huggssss GG......
While I slowly twist your nuts off.....
Whispering......"BITE ME"....in your ear.
:emot_laughing:
Love ya....
Liz
Dammit GG... so you're the competition... :emot_laughing:
vinney
-
Liz is one to talk. She feels the same way about her horses. So don't "borrow" one, Vinney. ;-)
Huggssss GG......
While I slowly twist your nuts off.....
Whispering......"BITE ME"....in your ear.
:emot_laughing:
Love ya....
Liz
Dammit GG... so you're the competition... :emot_laughing:
vinney
OMG....VINNEY..!!!!!!!!!!
:emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
-
;) :emot_kiss: :-* :emot_laughing:
-
A German, Frenchman, and American are traveling through a South American jungle. Suddenly they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The tribe leader tells the three men that they are going to kill them and make a canoe out of their skin. However, the tribe leader will grant them one final request. The German says, "I'd like a nice tall beer." So, the leader gives him a beer. After he finishes, the tribe kills him and skins him for the canoe. The Frenchman asks for a cigarette. After he finishes it he is killed and skinned just like the German. The American sees what happens to the first two guys then looks at the tribe leader and says, "I'd like a fork." The leader, with a perplexed look, hands him a fork. The American begins stabbing himself all over with the fork and yells, "No way in hell you are going to make a canoe out of me!"
-
We trained hard ... but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing; and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.
Charlton Ogburn
-
Gravity all I can say is that I like your taste in music better than your joke of the day. :D
-
Gravity all I can say is that I like your taste in music better than your joke of the day. :D
Likewise ;)
Ready for another?
Too late!
Dear God
Last month you took my favorite musician - Prince
Last week you took my favorite boxer - Muhammed Ali
Now you took my favorite hockey player - Gordie Howe
I just want to let know know that my favorite candidate is Donald Trump.
…and for the sake of balance…
Dear God
Last month you took my favorite musician - Prince
Last week you took my favorite boxer - Muhammed Ali
Now you took my favorite hockey player - Gordie Howe
I just want to let know know that my favorite candidate is Hillary Clinton.
Talk about dreaming "BIG".......Good Luck with both.
"However", If you somehow get an answer, please notify America (We Need All The Help We Can Get).
:emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
-
God doesn't do those kinds of requests. :P
-
A girl walks up to her mom and says, "Mommy, I know where babies come from. The neighbor boy told me."
The mother replies, "Oh, where?"
The girls answers, "Well first, the neighbor boy puts his privates in your mouth. Then some stuff comes out the end. You swallow it, the stuff goes down to your belly, and you have a baby."
The mother replies, "Oh honey, that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."
-
What do you get from kissing canaries?
Chirpees, it's a "Canareal Disease"
Sadly, the illness has no cure. It's... untweetable.
-
Q) What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A) A lickalottopuss
-
What do you get from kissing canaries?
Chirpees, it's a "Canareal Disease"
Sadly, the illness has no cure. It's... untweetable.
"GROANS"......loudly, I might add...............
Love,
Liz
-
A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'
-
First Paddy's Sister gets lucky, then his wife. Poor guy... :P
-
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a lake?
Bob
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep?
Matt
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in prison?
Fucked
-
Funny Captain. Heard them all except the last.
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eilene
-
Can we PLEASE stop the punishment?
-
What does Captain Kirk and toilet paper have in common?
Neither will take any shit from the Klingons.
-
A naive young couple get married.
In the hotel room that night the wife sits on the bed whilst the husband shyly disrobes.
When he takes his shoes and socks off the wife shrieks, points to his feet and says. “My God! What happened to your poor feet?”
The husband looks at her and says. “When I was just a boy I came down with a really bad case of Toe-lio!”
“Oh come on,” says the wife, “There’s no such thing as Toe-lio. You shouldn’t make fun of me like that – making stuff up and all. I only asked.”
The husband looks at her, all hurt. “Make things up? Make things up? LOOK AT MY FEET WOMAN!” “Oh, all right,” says the wife, “I can see it must have been traumatic. If you say it was Toe-lio then Toe-lio it was.”
The husband, slightly mollified, undoes his belt and drops his trousers.
“Oh my God!” shouts the wife. “What’s wrong with your legs?” “Well” says the husband, “when I was just getting over the Toe-lio I caught a terrible case of the Kneesles!” “Kneesles?” Cries the wife. “Kneesles? Now I know you are making fun of me. You should be ashamed. There is NO such disease as Kneesles!”
“No such disease?” Says the husband, almost in tears. “No such disease?” LOOK AT MY DAMNED LEGS! How can you say there is no such disease?"
“I’m sorry,” says the wife, “I’m so sorry, it’s just that it sounds so silly and I have never heard of such a thing. But OH, your poor legs!”
“Well,” says the husband finally as he takes off his underwear, “Alright then.”
His wife takes one look and shouts. “No, no, don’t tell me, let me guess ..................... Smallcox?”
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler…
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant. (Sorry! :emot_kiss: )
Also, did you hear about the dyslexic satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
-
Donald Trump got elected into the White House.......
That's pretty much the entire joke. :D
-
More news about the coup today.
The country formerly known as Turkey is now Pastrami. It's a good thing they won't go Hungary.
-
:emot_laughing: You know it's a shame that 90 percent of lawyers give the other ten percent a bad name.
-
Amish hand warming
An Amish mother and daughter are driving their buggy home during the winter when the daughter starts complaining about how cold her hands are on the reins.
The mother tells her daughter to put her hands between her legs and close her legs tightly, her hands warmed up in no time.
Two weeks later the daughter and her beau are in the buggy on their way home from the gospel singing when the boyfriend also starts complaining of cold hands on the reins. She explains her mothers great way of hand warming and spreads her legs invitingly. In next to no time his hands are lovely and warm. Unfortunately, by now his nose and cheeks are also feeling very cold. “No problem.” She says and he gratefully slides his face into her warmth. Finally, his face is warmed up again and he thanks her very much. His only problem is that now, with the position he’d had to get in to warm his face, his penis has gotten so cold it has frozen stiff!
“I’m sure we can fix that!” She said happily and, getting him to lie back on the buggy seat, she swung her leg over and proceeded to warm the frozen part.
The very next week she is on her way home with her mother again.
“You seem a little pensive my dear” says the mother “ is there a problem?”
“Hmmm,” says the daughter “you know those penis thingies?”
“Yeeesss?” said the mother slowly, not liking the way this conversation is going.
“Do they always make such a mess when they thaw out?!
:emot_laughing:
-
A Polish guy is riding his snowmobile on a frozen lake when he sees another man sitting out on the ice. He rides over to him to see what he is doing. When he stops he notices the guy has a fishing pole and is casting out on top of the ice. He asks, "What are you doing?" The other guy replies, "Well, I am ice fishing." The Polish guy looks at him with a quizzical look and says, "Ha, That will never work! Hop on the back of my snowmobile and we'll go trolling."
-
I'm listening to some Carlin this morning.
A Milwaukee man was arrested today for trying to use food stamps to mail a box of macaroni.
-
What do mermaids use to call each other?
A shell phone.
-
I tried to take a photograph of the fog....
mist.
-
If masturbation was an Olympic sport, I'd take the gold medal! :emot_laughing:
-
If masturbation was an Olympic sport, I'd take the gold medal! :emot_laughing:
That's what you think Rope... :emot_laughing: Mind you... it could be a fantastic competition...
-
If masturbation was an Olympic sport, I'd take the gold medal! :emot_laughing:
The sport where everyone that finishes is a winner. Imagine how shitty it would be if you couldn't think of anybody good. The crowd would be staring at you, pointing, and laughing. The announcer would have to get on the PA and tell everyone that you were disqualified by blue balls. Would the anti-doping committee ban you for training with viagra?
-
a man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife, "Honey would you quit buying that John Wayne toilet paper?"
What are you talking about?" she asked. That's not John Wayne toilet paper. it's the un-brand."
"Sorry honey but to me it's John Wayne toilet paper. It's rough, it's tough, and it won't take shit of of anybody.
-
WOMEN WITH LARGE TITS
are generally more successful at job interviews than men with large tits.
-
A Scotsman entered a 2 hole outhouse and noticed that a quarter has fallen out of the pocket of the guy on the pot next to him. So, the Scotsman pulls out his wallet, takes out a $20 bill and throws it into the hole. Next thing the first guy sees is the Scotsman jumping into the shit filled hole, pick up both the quarter and the $20 bill and climb out.
First guy, thinking there's something wrong with the Scot, asks, "Why did you do that?"
"Do what?", replied the Scot.
"Throw the $20 into the hole."
"Well," explained the Scot, "did you think I would jump down there for a mere quarter?"
-
lol
-
1. One day as he was leaving for work a husband asked his wife if she would consider a threesome in the not too distant future. That evening the husband came home wondering what his wife’s answer was to the threesome question. As he walked in through the door his wife was standing there in sexy see through lingerie. The wife proclaimed I have thought about it and said yes to it.
At this the husband and wife ran up with stairs to their bedroom, and the wife handcuffed him in bed. The husband asked "so who is the third? Is it Suzy from across the street or is it your best friend Jenny?"
The wife replied, "No, I have thought of it long and hard and I have found the perfect person."
The husband asked, "who?"
The wife replied, "John, our gay neighbour."
-----------------------------
2. I ended up with an older woman last night. She looked pretty good for a 50-year-old. In fact she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit (well, more than a bit) we had a snuggle, and she asked me if I had ever had a "Sportsman's Double?”
"What's that?” I asked
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," She said
"Oh!” I said as my mind began to embrace the idea.
"No, I haven't.” And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was "my lucky night."
I went back to her place. We walked in, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
"MOM! You still awake?!"
-
The second joke was hilarious.
-
A man is sitting at a bar next to a hooker. She's trying to pick up some business
Hooker: My, you sure smell good! What do you have on?
Man: Why, I have on a hard on, I didn't know you could smell it!
-
http://fropky.com/xlsetc/Saurabh/2009/04/24/Pics/cartoon/cartoons_fropki5.jpg
-
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.
I will definitely win the election."
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one.
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"...
-
Good one, MissB!
-
Was very good, had to woo that one. :D
-
It sure is! :^)
-
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments ask for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.
Latin American countries are sending clothing
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crop
The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies
The new American President, Donald Trump, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.
-
Plz forgive if this was posted earlier.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth.
After that, everything else was 'Made in China'.
:emot_laughing:
Sure seems that way anyway. :roll:
-
Ahoy, said the Destroyer captain, "Identify yourselves in the small craft"
The front Mexican put down his oar and yelled back, We are from Mexico and are going to America to take back our land stolen from our country in the 1800's"
When the crew of the destroyer stopped laughing. the Captain yelled back "All 4 of you"??
The Mexican replied " We are the last 4"
"The other 12,000,000 are already there."
-
LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
-
This tale takes place at a school in Moncton, New Brunswick.
Little Johnny is sitting in school one morning. The teacher is giving a lesson in healthy eating.
"What did you have for breakfast?" the teacher asked.
Molly puts up her hand and replies "I had cereal with milk and a glass of juice."
"Very good, Molly. Anybody else?" the teacher continued.
"I had 2 slices of toast and a cup of coffee." answered Billy.
"That's not very nutritious but it is breakfast." said the teacher. At this point, she sees Johnny sitting in the back of the class being very quiet. Wanting him to feel included, she asks "Johnny, what did you have for breakfast?"
"Fuck all" was his reply.
The teacher was taken aback but knowing that Johnny has a history of this kind of answer, she just let it slide and continued with the day.
Later in the day, the class is having a geography lesson.
The teacher asks, "Can anyone in the class tell me Luxembourg is?"
Molly, the class smarty pants, raises her hand and replies, "Yes, miss. It is in Europe."
"Very good, Molly. Now can anyone tell me where Mexico is?"
"Mexico is just south of the United States, ma'am." was Billy's reply.
"Excellent, Billy."
Again, the teacher is feeling Johnny is be left out of the class activity and decides to give him a local question.
"Johnny. Can you tell me where the Nova Scotia border is?" the teacher asked.
"Yeah", he replies. "He's upstairs fuckin' my mom. That's why I had fuck all for breakfast."
-
(http://i.imgur.com/tfsGEtK.jpg)
-
My son wants a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Fuck that I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
-
A southern farmer goes down to hell. The devil greets him.
"I'm going to turn up the heat on you," he says. You will surely be begging for mercy.
"Shoot," the farmer says, feeling the temperature climb, "we got hotter days than this down south.
The devil turns the heat up even more and the farmer begins sweating, but still remains unimpressed.
"I'm going to turn it up even higher," Satan says, and the the walls turn red like molten lava.
"Oh, man, that ain't nothin'..." the farmer shakes his head.
"All right, then,' the devil says. "I'm going to turn the heat off altogether."
In a few moments, hell is frozen, and icicles are hanging all around. The farmer looks at the devil and asks,
"What, did the Chicago Cubs win the World Series?"
-
*Wonderful English from Around the World*
*In a Bangkok Temple:*
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
*Cocktail Lounge, Norway:*
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
*Doctor's Office, Rome:*
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
*Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:*
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
*A Nairobi Restaurant:*
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
*On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:*
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
*On a poster at Kencom:*
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
*In a City restaurant:*
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
*In a Cemetery:*
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
*Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:*
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN
BED.
*On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:*
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
*In a Tokyo Bar:
*SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
*Hotel, Yugoslavia:
*THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB
OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
*Hotel, Japan:*
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
*In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: *
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.
*A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:*
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT,
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
*Hotel, Zurich:*
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
*Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
*WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR
OWN ASS?
*Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: *
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL
DIRECTIONS.
*A Laundry in Rome:*
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
TIME.
*And finally, the all time classic, Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:*
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.
-
WOO to all of the hilariously funny jokes lately!!! :^)
-
(http://i.imgur.com/Jc9kpZp.jpg)
(http://i.imgur.com/czjx73J.jpg)
-
(http://i.imgur.com/SWdg03O.jpg)
-
Subject:The Ventriloquist
An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the taff
'Good day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English idiot.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Taff: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Taff: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Taff: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Taff: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Taff: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Taff: (in a panic)
'The sheep's a bloody liar
-
A woman sees a sign in a pet shop
window which reads "Fanny Licking
Frog: Ten Pounds".
She goes in and says "I would like to
see the fanny licking frog, please."
The man behind the counter
says:-
"Bonjour..."
-
A woman sees a sign in a pet shop
window which reads "Fanny Licking
Frog: Ten Pounds".
She goes in and says "I would like to
see the fanny licking frog, please."
The man behind the counter
says:-
"Bonjour..."
For the first time in a long time I laughed out loud.
thanks.
'bot
-
True story here --
I was sitting at my desk one day at work when a co-worker sat down at his and announced quite arbitrarily "My wife is into S & M".
Myself and the others in the office looked at him and he continued with an explanation --
"She Sleeps and I Masturbate."
-
:emot_clap:
Classic joke and for some reason really fits the characters we know are involved! Good one.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/d3rNMIs.jpg)
-
WOO Vinney! Good and clean, and that's not always easy!
-
(http://cdn.so.fantasti.cc/big/d/a/n/dancinghomer/dancinghomer_8f01eefec4006e1fad97b13c3914802e.jpg)
-
WOO Vinney! Good and clean, and that's not always easy!
Thank you... good and clean... sure makes a change...!! ;D
-
“A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”
-
lol Good one, TD!
-
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently
announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
-
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/e4/24/17/e424175f03ad92f2aa72d90820008e8f.jpg)
-
Two men are sitting in a bar. One starts to insults the other.
"I slept with your mother!"
Everyon in the bar gets quiet, waiting to see what the other guy will do.
The first guy then yells "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!!!"
Finally the other guy says "Go home, dad, you're drunk."
-
To be found printed on my next t-shirt:
"Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup."
-
A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
-
Time for a small dose of Political Incorrectness...(keep in mind this is a "Joke of the Day" Thread....
We live in Perth, Australia, and the missus decided for the first time
to wear a Burka for a week just to see what the reaction would be.
The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose,
kicked up the arse, and received death threats.
Heaven knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house
__._,_.___
I've caught a stray parrot in my garden.
All he says is, "Good morning you ugly prick."
The parrot isn't yours is it?
XXX
I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.
Just had one from the sperm bank.
Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
XXX
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.
The question I got wrong was, 'Where do most women have curly hair?'
Apparently, it's Africa.
XXX
My girlfriend told me I was no longer romantic so I
booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night.
Unfortunately she isn't interested in Snooker & Darts.
XXX
There's a new Muslim
clothing shop opened in Bondi, but I've been
banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
XXX
You can justifiably say lots of bad things about paedophiles,
but at least they drive slowly past schools.
XXX
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a
moustache."
XXX
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
-
The Marine Pilot
After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.
He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him, looking very worried.
It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation!
The nurse gave him a serious look straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly,
enunciating each word, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
And that, my friends, is a Marine with a real positive attitude.
-
A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance,
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like
you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill
out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private
room where she proceeded to "relax" him.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only
2130 now."
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
-
These kinky Senior Citizens! :P
-
(http://cdn.so.fantasti.cc/big/d/a/n/dancinghomer/dancinghomer_defb50650cc767c05dbcade2604ac51f.jpg)
-
Hair Spray - Works On All Kinds Of Worms
;-)
-
Woman goes to her gynocologist.
"What seems to be the problem?"
"There's something wrong with my vagina. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica inside of it."
"Let me take a look then."
The gynocologist takes a look.
"Those aren't postage stamps. They're the stickers off of bananas."
-
My niece asked Alexa to tell her a joke today. The response.........
"I remember the first time I was on an elevator. It was an uplifting experience,
my second time on an elevator was a bit of a let down."
It took me a while to explain it to her.
-
Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee at their club when a naked woman runs across the fairway and into the woods.
Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the rear.
One of the golfers grabs the old man and asks, "What's going on?"
The old guy says, "She's a nymphomaniac from the local hospital; she keeps trying to escape and we attendants are trying to catch her."
The golfer asks, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"
The old man says, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time."
-
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair while tying the girl to
the bed. He gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into
the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an
escaped convict, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in
jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If
he wants to sleep with you, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he
tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey.
I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and
asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be
strong honey. I love you too!"
-
...on a roll today... :emot_laughing:
A little boy says to his mother,
"Mommy, how come I'm black, and you're white?"
Wiping a tear from her eye, his mother replied, "Darling, from what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!
-
Ole was hunting geese up in the slough.
He leaned the old 12 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak, and as luck would have it,
the foolish dog knocks the gun over, it goes off and Ole took most of an ounce of buckshot in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he comes to and there is his doctor, Sven.
"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asks Ole.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis.
I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena.."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in the Minnesota Symphony Orchestra.
She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
-
[This is for real]
A Tramway Authority sign:
TOUCHING WIRES CAUSE INSTANT DEATH
$200 FINE
(http://www.funnysigns.net/files/instant-death-fine.jpg)
moderator edit: image added
-
[This is for real]
A Tramway Authority sign:
TOUCHING WIRES CAUSE INSTANT DEATH
$200 FINE
(http://www.funnysigns.net/files/instant-death-fine.jpg)
moderator edit: image added
Ummmmm........Question??
Who Exactly Do You "Fine" After You Have Touched The Wires..??
Love,
Liz
-
[This is for real]
A Tramway Authority sign:
TOUCHING WIRES CAUSE INSTANT DEATH
$200 FINE
(http://www.funnysigns.net/files/instant-death-fine.jpg)
moderator edit: image added
Ummmmm........Question??
Who Exactly Do You "Fine" After You Have Touched The Wires..??
Love,
Liz
You fine the estate. Stupidity like this can be inherited.
-
Exactly :P
-
How shocking....
-
Daughters.
This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says:
"Hi, I’m Freddy. I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The man, slightly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave. A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says:
"Hi, I’m Jim. I’m here to see Kim. We’re gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?"
The guy, now perplexed, says yes and the two take off. Few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says:
"Hi, I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re gonna go to the show. Can she go?"
The man, now kind of annoyed says yes and the two depart. Sure enough, after few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says:
"Hi, I’m Chuck..."
and the father shot the little fucker.
-
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you.”
But the girl said “NO!”
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and Johnny accepts her proposal.
Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She replied, "The bastard used coins!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
-
Getting oral sex from a ugly person is like rock climbing - don't look down...
-
Daughters.
This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says:
"Hi, I’m Freddy. I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The man, slightly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave. A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says:
"Hi, I’m Jim. I’m here to see Kim. We’re gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?"
The guy, now perplexed, says yes and the two take off. Few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says:
"Hi, I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re gonna go to the show. Can she go?"
The man, now kind of annoyed says yes and the two depart. Sure enough, after few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says:
"Hi, I’m Chuck..."
and the father shot the little fucker.
You forgot about Morris picking up Delores and planned on licking her clitoris.
-
Daughters.
This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says:
"Hi, I’m Freddy. I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The man, slightly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave. A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says:
"Hi, I’m Jim. I’m here to see Kim. We’re gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?"
The guy, now perplexed, says yes and the two take off. Few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says:
"Hi, I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re gonna go to the show. Can she go?"
The man, now kind of annoyed says yes and the two depart. Sure enough, after few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says:
"Hi, I’m Chuck..."
and the father shot the little fucker.
You forgot about Morris picking up Delores and planned on licking her clitoris.
That was the guys wife... and he didn't give a toss about her... :roll:
-
I was just told why you shouldn't eat snowballs. They are snowman poop.
-
Hollywood Squares
For Those Of Us Who Remember & For Those Who Missed Out On A Great Era!
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
I'm too young, but I remember hearing about it. Those were indeed very funny.
-
Sex Is Like Snow: You Never Know How Long It'll Last Or How Many Inches You'll Get
-
:::Groan:::
-
Wow, I need a drink after that, Gravity. Cheers!
(http://www.drinksdirect.co.uk/acatalog/robert-burns-single-malt-whisky.jpg)
-
Woman: Don't date a man with a beard until you've seen him shave it; You might think you landed Thor, but end up with Pee-wee Herman.
Man: Don't date a woman until you've seen her without makeup; you might think you landed Angelina Jolie, then BOOM!, it's Caitlyn Jenner.
-
(https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRMjY-vsic9w_GgsS3B9iLfj0XhFCy8Mo7twC9Hz_HPSE1zXXOe)
-
(http://i.imgur.com/iITjzre.jpg)
-
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
-
*Wonderful English from Around the World*
*In a Bangkok Temple:*
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
*Cocktail Lounge, Norway:*
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
*Doctor's Office, Rome:*
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
*Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:*
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
*A Nairobi Restaurant:*
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
*On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:*
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
*On a poster at Kencom:*
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
*In a City restaurant:*
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
*In a Cemetery:*
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
*Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:*
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN
BED.
*On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:*
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
*In a Tokyo Bar:
*SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
*Hotel, Yugoslavia:
*THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB
OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
*Hotel, Japan:*
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
*In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: *
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.
*A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:*
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT,
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
*Hotel, Zurich:*
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
*Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
*WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR
OWN ASS?
*Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: *
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL
DIRECTIONS.
*A Laundry in Rome:*
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
TIME.
*And finally, the all time classic, Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:*
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/jzAHifJ.jpg)
-
(http://i.imgur.com/jzAHifJ.jpg)
Someone teach the boy grammar.
-
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000!"
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500".
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr.. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that's Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer".
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
ENJOY YOUR DAY !!
-
Good one, Doctor Geezer ! ! ! ;-)
-
(https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSWMpHLmvm8AN5_kVWRZ38n4RfMgtlvitQxnmJ5aExXiwJCnhROlw)
-
I went to the doctor's the other day for a medical check-up and was greeted by a young and very pretty new female doctor.
"What can I do for you, ODK?" she said
"I need a certificate of health before I can renew my driving licence."
"Certainly, go behing that screen, take your clothes off, put on the medical gown and lie on the examination table."
I did as she asked and she spent several minutes listening to my chest through her stethoscope, prodding me in various places, shining a light in my ears, etc., etc. After a few minutes she said
"everything seems to be in order for you to continue driving; but you will have to stop masturbating."
"Why is that?" I asked
"I'm trying to examine you!"
-
lol At least she didn't tell you to get your hand out of her panties and stop fingering her! ;-)
-
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ3I3zGqbNsbaK8D_xQkLB42yOHiNECCBQwgWn92mXq92qi8VhN)
-
He reached out and stroked her hair, her cheek, her chin, her neck, her shoulders, her arm, her stomach and her thigh.
She sighed and thought to herself, "I made the right decision choosing Octoman."
-
lol Some women expect too much ;-)
-
I didn't know Toe became a Congressman?!? :o
-
A book just fell on my head. I only have myshelf to blame. :P
-
Anyone For Chess?
The world of chess has adopted the idea of women Bishops.
Gravity: You're either very brave or very foolish to post this joke. Liz will trample you with her horse. KitKat will smother you with chocolate. CG will zap you with a Ghost ... Buster weapon. Who knows what other horrors will be inflicted on you...but it will be fun to watch, I'm sure. :D
-
Anyone For Chess?
The world of chess has adopted the idea of women Bishops.
Gravity: You're either very brave or very foolish to post this joke. Liz will trample you with her horse. KitKat will smother you with chocolate. CG will zap you with a Ghost ... Buster weapon. Who knows what other horrors will be inflicted on you...but it will be fun to watch, I'm sure. :D
LOL....I'm Thinking....... :emot_laughing:
Love,
Liz
-
Gravity, do you know he difference between female snipers and male snipers?
Male snipers strive for a single kill shot.
Female snipers will give you a warning shot…
To the groin.
:emot_laughing: :emot_kiss:
-
My father's sense of humor.
"And God Created The Infantry…
173rd Paratrooper
And God Created the Infantry
In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and the Infantry.
And God looked upon the Infantry, saw that it was good, and said unto them “Thou art my chosen children. Take thou dominion over the Earth; over the fish of the Sea, the birds of the Air, and all of the Key Terrain.” And as a mark of His favor the Lord placed in the hands of the Infantry the sacred relics: the Apostolic Anti-Armor Weapon, the Catholic Claymore, and the Marian Machine Gun. Likewise gaveth the Lord unto the Infantry the Rucksack of Repentance, the Radio of Redemption, the Rifle of Rectitude. Lastly, unto the Infantry, and most divine of all, the Lord gaveth the Holy Hand Grenade.
For the Infantry’s sustenance the Lord declared “Four shall be thy food groups: Coffee, Tobacco, MRE it does create a perspectives, and Alcohol. Shun all other unclean food and drink.”
And the Infantry dwelt in the land therein.
And time passed, and the Infantry cried out unto their God saying “Lord, help us, for we are weary.”
And God smiled upon the Infantry, for they were blessed. Then the Lord took the fattest and laziest of the Infantry and set them upon beasts of burden. And these He called Cavalry. And as the Cavalry became fatter, lazier and heavier still they were known as Armor, or DAT’s for short. And the Lord looked down upon the Armor and saw that it was mediocre.
The Lord then said “Oh, well. Thou canst not win them all. Let them lead in case of landmines.” To the DAT’s the Lord said “Quiche shall be thy food, and bottled water thy drink. Touch not the sacred chow of the Infantry.”
And the Infantry and the Armor dwelt in the land therein.
And time passed and the Infantry cried out again unto their Lord saying “Lord help us, for we are weary.”
And God smiled again upon the Infantry, for they were his chosen.
Then God took those of the Armor with butts like baseplates and breath like sulfur and tiny, tiny pee-pees and these He made Artillery. But God saw that the Artillery, too, was mediocre and said unto Himself “Oh well, garbage in; garbage out.”
Unto the Artillery He said “The big guns shall atone in part for thy diminutive other stature. Tryst thou not to hurt thyself.”
To the Infantry the Lord said “When the night is darkest these shall light the way…more or less. When the approach is most open these shall, occasionally – with luck, confound the enemy’s sight. When thou callest for fire support these shall – eventually – provide it with high explosive, cluster munitions and, best of all, nukes.” Though the Lord cautioned the Infantry to never, never, never trust Tacfire or any other electronic computer in the hands of the Artillery. And the Infantry, the Armor, and the Artillery dwelt in the land therein. Then the Artillery created the Air Defense Artillery; but quickly asked forgiveness.
And time passed and the Infantry called out yet again unto their God, saying “Lord help us, for we are weary.”
Again the Lord looked with favor upon the Infantry. He took those of the Armor, Artillery and Air Defense Artillery who most liked to play in the mud and these he made Combat Engineers, and those who dwelt in darkness and spoke in riddles and these he made Military Intelligence, and those with thieving hearts and these He made Quartermasters, and of those who neither sowed nor reaped and were most fond of hammering square pegs into round holes He made Adjutants General. Of those who liked to tinker with good equipment until it broke He made the Ordnance Corps. Of those whose penchant was poison He made Cooks. Of those who ran around in circles He made the Transportation Corps. Of the least articulate He made Signalers. Of the mindlessly doctrinaire and arrogant He – reluctantly – created Military Police and Inspectors General (though the Lord admitted, to Himself, that He was probably only providing employment opportunities to Satan’s minions). Of those who dealt in controlled substances He made the Medics and of those whose minds had been destroyed by the same made He the Chemical Corps. Yea, the Lord of All filled up the MTOE.
And the Infantry, and the others, dwelt in the land therein.
Time passed, but yet, again, the Infantry cried out unto their God, saying “Lord, help us, for we are weary.
And the Heavens darkened, and the clouds gathered. The lightning’s spake and the Infantry abased themselves before their God, for they were so afraid.
And the Lord spoke with anger, asking “How canst thou yet be weary? Have I not made the Armor and the Artillery to support thee? Have I not made of the detritus of the earth Quartermasters and Adjutants and Signalers and Transporters and a host of others to assist thee? Verily, have I not even made Military Intelligence, although it were a contradiction in terms?”
Humbly the Infantry abased themselves again before their God, crying “Lord, it is of these that we are weary.”
Amen, Amen
From the Gospel according to Saint Miles, ground pounder"
-
Praise be to your Dad, Katie. As a ground pounder 50 years ago I heartily agree with the gospel as has been set forth here, on these sacred pages of KB. Loved it. :D
-
That's about right! WOO!
-
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden.
One night doing a show in a small fishing town with his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes".
What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with
her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community,
and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap".
-
:emot_laughing:
-
I farted on the bus. Four people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice.
-
A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood.
So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. "A police car has just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex."
Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright.
"How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?"
"Because their kid is standing on the balcony too."
-
New advertising slogans for United Airlines:
"We put the hospital in hospitality"
"Board as a doctor, leave as a patient"
"Our prices can't be beaten, but our passengers can"
"We have First Class, Business Class and No Class"
"Not enough seating, prepare for a beating"
"We treat you like we treat your luggage"
"We beat the customer. Not the competition"
"And you thought leg room was an issue"
"Where voluntary is mandatory"
"Fight or flight. We decide"
"Now offering one free carry off"
"Beating random customers since 2017"
"If our staff needs a seat, we'll drag you out by your feet”
"A bloody good airline"
-
One day a young boy comes home from school and his mom asks him how his day was. He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!" Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!" So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy. "Great job son! How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?" So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?" The boy answers, "No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!"
-
HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started..
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
-
God's Plan For Aging
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
-
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I dont know what to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, 'WHO'S IN THE MOOD'?????!!!!! And she acts like shes sound asleep.
It works every time!"
-
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
-
I have the distinguished honor of being on the Committee
to raise $5,000,000 for a monument of Hillary R. Clinton .
We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we
discovered there was not enough room for her two faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the
Washington, D.C. Hall Of Fame. We were in a quandary
as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper
to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who
never told a lie, or beside her husband William J. Clinton,
who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the
difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus,
the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where
he was going, and when he got there he did not know where
he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and
d id it all on someone else's money.
Thank you, Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee
P. S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far.
-
Sounds like a worthy cause. Put me down for a nickel.
-
I heard it's a wooden nickel. :P
-
A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decided what the he'll it's only twenty bucks.
They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."
-
OAPS and oral sex
Two old age pensioners are having a 69.
After 5 minutes he says "Sorry luv the smell’s too bad down there - I can’t carry on."
"That’ll be my athritis" she says.
"What? I never heard of anyone having arthritis in their fanny before."
No she says "It’s in my arms and hands. . . and I can’t wipe me arse."
0vomit0
-
(http://i.imgur.com/1AbEBCQ.jpg)
-
A blond and a brunette were walking down the street together when they spotted a dog on the sidewalk licking it's balls. The brunette turns to the blond and says "Gee, don't you wish you could do that?". The blond replies in a tremulous voice "Nooooo I'ld be afraid he'ed bite."
What's brown and bloody and lies in the gutter? A brunette who told one to many blond jokes.
BY the way.......I like blonds, don't think I take these jokes serious. But seriously...I'ld take a blond. Tie her up, spank her just a touch, eat her until she's ready to orgasm then stop. I would do that twenty times and spank in between each set. After she came i would get out the oils and give her a great rub down all over her body. There is nothing more sensual then the touch of a woman skin under a mans hand.
-
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital.
She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how
a patient is doing?"
The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said "Noreen, Room 302"
The operator replied,
"Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Noreen is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal,
and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Noreen your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Noreen in 302.
No one tells me SHIT.
-
lol WOO!
-
No jokes posted for nearly a month!!!!! Have we lost our sense of humor??
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly, a line of big black cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man and a busty lady. "Hi there, little girl. I'm Senator Chuck Schumer and this is Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Pelosi.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Liberals," answered Suzy with a smile.
Schumer and Pelosi were both delighted. As soon as the politicians returned to their car, Senator Schumer called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Pelosi did the same.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the PR people agreed that both Pelosi and Schumer should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So , the next day Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from CNN, MSNBC, ABC, CBS and NBC. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then both the congresswoman and senator got out of their limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," they said, "We'd love it if you would tell all our friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Of course," Suzy said. "They're Conservatives."
Taken by surprise, the elected officials stammered, "But... but... yesterday, you told us they were Liberals."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open!"
-
Good one!!!!!!!
-
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!" LOL
-
(http://i.imgur.com/YLPdGJr.png)
-
(http://i.imgur.com/YLPdGJr.png)
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
After living in the wilderness of Kentucky all of his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my Daddy"
He bought the "picture", but on the way home, he remembered his wife didn't much much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before he left for the fields, he went there and took a look at it.
The man's many trips to the barn began to draw his wife's suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked in the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly woman he's running around with!"
-
What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?
Answer -> Single!
-
What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?
Answer -> Single!
OK, so I am dense. I don't get it.
-
Well did you zoom the screen?
More devious than humorous (humourous), but it still qualifies as a joke, I suppose.
-
What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?
Answer -> Single!
OK, so I am dense. I don't get it.
OK My eyes ain't what they used to be.
-
You can read it if you hit the "quote" button as well.
-
Husband tells his wife a story.
Husband: Being back in the old neighborhood is bringing back memories. There was this kid who used to be me up. My father said he only does it because he's a coward. If you calk him out on it he'll stop.
So I went to the kid and told him my father said he was a coward that's why he beat me up. But I would keep his secret if hr stopped beating me up.
Wife: So what did he do?
Husband: He got on his bike, rode to my house, and beat my father up.
-
My uncle and aunt won a raffle, $10,000. But they argued about how to spend the money. She wanted a mink coat, he wanted a fancy new car.
Finally they compromised. They bought a mink coat and keep it out in the garage.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/x5TGeBb.png)
:facepalm: A bit of a crappy joke... sorry...
-
Why are you punishing us with crappy puns??
-
I had to punish someone..
:emot_laughing:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/FXLAQ5y.png)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/qXwgAjh.jpg)
-
Pretty clever schoolkid!
-
(https://i.imgur.com/mTgKUCv.png)
(https://i.imgur.com/4FBOd0x.png)
(https://i.imgur.com/qoxkuq7.png)
-
Good ones Vinney! :emot_laughing:
-
Inspired by this thread -- http://www.kristensboard.com/forums/index.php?topic=60666.0 (http://www.kristensboard.com/forums/index.php?topic=60666.0)
Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench one afternoon. A man in a trench coat approaches the first one, flashes her and she has a stroke.
The guy approaches the second old lady, flashes her and she has a stroke.
He steps in front of the third little old lady and flashes her. She doesn't have a stroke because her arms were too short.
-
Good joke. Fits well with the flasher story.
We need more jokes here and less Trump bashing. Athos, any jokes to share?
-
Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”
-
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor went to check on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.
-
Good one Vinney. Guess her method is working better than this year's flu shots :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Military Insurance
Another lesson in dealing with others!
Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center.Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.
The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da govment' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da suppmental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a munt, den da governmen' gots ta pay you benefishery $400,000!
Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink da governmen’ gonna send ta Afghanistan first?"
-
Nice one Thecia...
-
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
-
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
-
Nice ones Wubbles. :emot_laughing:
-
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers though."
-
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
-
Vinney posted this in 2012
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'..
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. He stands up and falls flat on his face.
'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'B'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'
Paddy says, 'To be sure I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
-
Vinney posted this in 2012
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'..
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. He stands up and falls flat on his face.
'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'B'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'
Paddy says, 'To be sure I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
:emot_laughing:
-
I think I might contribute a couple here. I will, however, apologize in advance for these, for different reasons.
For this first one, I want you to remember that I am the father of a three-year-old. No, he doesn't get it yet, but when he's old enough, he will facepalm (or headdesk) when I tell him this.
As we know, an old woman who practices magic by the beach is a sand witch. If she's stuck between two rocks, she's a jammed sand witch.
The second may go over a lot of people's heads, especially if you don't know the joke about either Welshmen or New Zealanders.
A Welshman and a New Zealander met in a meadow, and started trading hints.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/jR0azfR.jpg)
-
That one was good.
-
:emot_laughing:
-
An old man and his wife were celebrating 50 years of marriage.
The old man asks his wife if she would like to visit the spot where they first met.
After driving for about an hour they arrived at their location.
It was an old farm house in the middle of nowhere.
They strolled hand in hand across the fields until they came to a field that was fenced off.
The old man asks his wife “Do you remember this spot?”
“Oh sure” replied the wife “this is the spot where you first fucked me”
The old man’s eyes twinkled and as he looked around to make sure they were alone he asked his wife “What do you think? Shall we do it again?
“You bet” the wife answered as she dropped her knickers.
As the old man put his cock in her and started to push, the old lady went wild, pushing back against him, throwing her arms about and screaming.
After two minutes of banging her he finally came. As he withdrew from his wife he said “Blimey, sweetheart fifty years ago you was not that wild and crazy”
“Well” she answered “fifty years ago, the fence behind me was not fucking electrified..!!!”
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Why us old farts don't get much action.
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
He is in his mid-eighties, hair perfectly coiffed, perfectly tailored suit,
and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave.
He presents a very nice image.
He notices that seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-thirties, cleavage, legs, eyes, hair...
The sharp old gentleman walks over, sits beside her, orders a drink and takes a sip.
He slowly turns to the young lady and says,
"So, tell me..... do I come here often?"
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
A skeleton walks into a bar...
He orders a beer and a mop!
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
I'll add my own:
Some sage advice: Knowing your herbs will save you a lot of thyme.
-
Three men, One english, one scot, one irish go on a safari.
A hundred yards away they see a lion sleeping under a tree. "Awfully boring" says the english.
"Make it exciting then" says the scot.
English picks up a stone and throws it at the lion. The stone hits the lion on the head. The lion opens its eyes, sees the men but goes back to sleep again.
"Look" said the scot "if you want to get a lions attention, you need something big" he picks up a rock and throws it at the lion, hitting it on the head.
The lion is now pissed off. He stands, roars and starts running towards the three men.
English and scot start running away but after a few metres see that the Irish is still standing in the same place. "Run!!" they shout at him.
"Why?" irish shouts back..."I didn't do anything!!"
-
A young women, pregnant with triplets, enters a bank just as it is being robbed. One robber shoots the woman in the stomach, three times.
The woman is rushed to hospital but the surgeons tell her that the bullets have missed vital organs and would come out naturally later on in life.
A few months later she gives birth to a boy and two girls. All healthy.
Thirteen years later, one morning one of the girls comes running down the stairs into the kitchen "Mum, Mum.. I was just having a pee and a bullet came out of my pussy"
Mum nodded and proceeded to explain to the girl what had happened thirteen years ago.
A few minutes later the second girl comes running down the stairs "Mum, Mum.. I was just having a pee and a bullet came out of my pussy"
Again, Mum nodded and proceeded to explain to the girl what had happened thirteen years ago.
A few minutes later the boy comes running down the stairs "Mum, Mum...."
"Yes, yes" Mum said "You was having a pee and....."
"No, no" the boy replied "I was having a wank, and I just shot the dog...!!!"
-
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
-
Philosophy professor: What motivates you to get up in the morning?
Me: My bladder, mostly.
-
A man at a surf beach, watching everyone enjoying themselves in the surf
He sees a young girl fall from her surf board and get circled by a shark.
Looking around for help he sees no one else notice what is happening.
He runs into the surf and swims out to the young girl and kills the shark with his bare hands.
When he brings the young girl to the shore, people start congratulating him for saving the girl.
A newspaper reporter takes his photo and tells him he will be on the front page of the newspaper tomorrow. With the newspaper heading, Bronze Aussie saves girl from man eating shark.
He thanks the reporter and tells him that he isn’t an Aussie and that he is from England on holidays.
Don’t worry the reporter tells him, you will still be on the front page of the paper tomorrow.
When he opens the paper the next morning there is his photo with the heading Pommie bastard kills child’s pet
-
There was a gigolo doing business in a leper colony. He was doing real well, until his business started falling off.
-
A penguin is having trouble with his car, so he takes it to the mechanic. "Give me a few minutes," says the mechanic, "and I'll be able to tell you what's wrong."
The penguin leaves the car with the mechanic, and heads into town. He spots an ice cream, and buys a cone of vanilla ice cream. As he's enjoying it, he thinks, "I should go back and check to see how the car is doing."
When he gets back to the mechanic's, he says, "I know what the problem is. It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin responds, "Oh no, that's just vanilla ice cream."
-
:emot_laughing:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/4dlWB1G.jpg)
-
"It looks like you blew a seal."
It took me a minute, and a reread. Got a laugh out loud from me when I figured it out. hahaha
-
"It looks like you blew a seal."
It took me a minute, and a reread. Got a laugh out loud from me when I figured it out. hahaha
Gods love you, MJ.
-
Saw a children playing sign this weekend that reminded me of a joke I made years ago explaining a similar sign.
_______
Slow
‘stick figure running child’
Children
________
So visiting from Poland was a relative of my stepdaughter, and she laughed at the sign and asked what it meant. She’s an English teacher in Poland, so knows English well.
I replied, ‘Well, the children around here either aren’t very fast, or they aren’t very smart. Either way, you need to be careful driving.’
-
My son came home yesterday and said
"Dad, I've been thrown out of school for letting a girl in my class jerk me off."
"Son," I replied "that's three schools this year."
"Maybe teaching's not for you."
-
Actual life can sometimes be funnier than made up jokes. Got this from a former nurse friend...actual notes from hospital charts.
HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS (Actual writings from hospital charts)
1 . The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (OMG! that is
some examination
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,until
she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
-
That reminds me of something my grandmother told me when she was a theatre nurse. (Note, I have forgotten a couple of key points here, so it may not be as funny, unless you are in the medical field and can mentally fill in the gaps.)
So, every month, the hospital would get a bunch of gaol residents in who were to have their circumcisions. On one occasion, one such inmate had tattooed on his penis the words "Hot Rod". Say what you like about that; it's probably the same thing I said.
One of the nurses, known for her no-nonsense attitude, started applying the prep gel (or whatever type of gel it was) to the shaft and noticed this fine piece of body art, and was quick to quip, "It'll be a cool tool by the time I finish with it!"
-
Why aren’t people in afgahanistan allowed to watch television?
Because of the Telly Ban
-
Why aren’t people in afgahanistan allowed to watch television?
Because of the Telly Ban
That's a good one Wayne!
[Bows deeply in homage]
[Bangs forehead on keyboard]
Damn, I gotta stop doing that.
Remmy
-
Outrage as a local judge only gives a man a $200 fine after he pleads guilty for throwing his sun in the Hudson River.
The man’s reason was the newspaper was two day olds.
Littering is a crime too.
-
A woman crashed her car yesterday. She told the police that the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and was drinking from a can of beer at the time she hit him.
The police said the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own back garden.
-
The creator of Auto-correct is no longer among the living.
May he restaurant in peace.
^-^
-
With apologies to anyone this may offend.
Paddy's wife goes to the doctor complaining that after ten years of marriage she has never had an orgasm.
The doctor advised her to relax and use a fan to keep her cool during sex. Paddy refused to pay good money for a fan so asked his mate if he would mind waving a towel while they made love but she still didn't orgasm.
Next day she asked Paddy if they could swap over and so Paddy's mate made love to her. After twenty minutes of the best mind blowing sex she'd ever had, she orgasmed.
Paddy looked at his mate and said........'and that, my old son, is how to flap a fucking towel.'
-
There's a frood (http://hitchhikers.fandom.com/wiki/Frood) who really knows where his towel (http://hitchhikers.fandom.com/wiki/Towel) is!
I'm just going to assume, for the sake of argument, that anything in the Guide is a big (http://hitchhikers.fandom.com/wiki/Space) joke.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/bi7wMjQ.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/cngaIe6.jpg)
-
I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.
"I wish to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant that particular wish."
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die the day after the House and Senate are filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people’s best interests!"
"You crafty bastard," replied the fairy.
-
Thanks Littlebit. :emot_laughing:
Be funnier it it wasn't so true. :roll:
-
Chicago's St Valentine's Day Massacre was prompted by someone calling it "Valentimes."
It's the only joke I know valid for today... other than the joke in my pants.
-
PARACHUTE CLUB
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, "like sitting around the pool, and drinking wine isn't a good thing”.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.
So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 80 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.
“Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!" The line went dead. Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
-
Weather, tell he you joined the Liberal Gun Club, and you are going to go seal hunting with them.
-
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
He toiled at it for years, until finally his father was on his deathbed -- Dan would inherit a fortune! He decided he needed a wife with which to share the vast estate.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few weeks, my father will die, and I'll inherit 100 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman accepted his business card. And just three short days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
-
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over 'Nope. 'Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 'Nope', she replied. To which, Bert yelled 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
-
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
-
The old man was in his 80s now, yet due to the fact he was also very rich, he courted and married a beautiful young blond in her 20s.
After the wedding and reception, they retired to his large home and prepared for their first evening of marital bliss. Wanting to present her self at her best, the young bride showered, applied fresh make up and brushed out her lustrous hair. Slipping a see-thru nightie over her curvy body, she stood in the bedroom door gazing at her elderly husband in bed waiting for his bride.
In a husky voice, she asked him, "How many times are we going to make love tonight darling?"
The old man held up one hand, fingers splayed. "Wow! Five times! I didn't expect you to be such a stud." exclaimed the bride.
From the bed the old man said, "No. Pick a finger."
-
So...if you have your left arm cut off, your right arm is left... right?
-
A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar, sat at the end, and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar, and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.
Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, so he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination, the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.
The old man said, "Sure!"
The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.
"Sure! Why?"
"Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!"
-
:emot_laughing: So true, alas
-
I met a Chinese girl when I was in Shanghai.
I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number so that I could call her.
She got excited and said "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight"
Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!
But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said : 666136429
-
I met a Chinese girl when I was in Shanghai.
I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number so that I could call her.
She got excited and said "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight"
Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!
But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said : 666136429
haha, You're a goof!
-
Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.
Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”
Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”
Bill: “No, but my sister has.”
-
:emot_laughing: hi hi hi
-
(https://i.imgur.com/59eLoyl.jpg)
-
A man was out shopping and discovered a new brand of of condoms called “Olympic.” Clearly impressed, he bought a pack.
Upon getting home he announced to his wife the purchase he had just made.
“Olympic condoms?”, she inquired, “What makes them so special?”
“There are three colors”, he replied, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asked with a wink.
“Gold of course”, he said proudly.
Pausing, the wife replied, “Why don’t you wear Silver instead? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
-
A man was having trouble with persistent headaches, a ringing in his ears and was seeing spots before his eyes. Not wanting to take chances with his health, he visited his doctor.
After an extensive series of examinations and tests the man returned to the doctor's office for the results. The doctor was grim. He said, "I'm sorry to tell you this but your condition is much more serious than I first thought. There's no way to sugarcoat this, you'll be dead in six months."
The man was floored and speechless. Finally, he pulled himself together, thanked the doctor and left the office. As he walked down the street, he decided to make the best of things and live life to the fullest during the time he had left.
He sold his business, liquidated his investments and booked passage on a cruise around the world. That done he decided he might as well get a new wardrobe for his trip.
Going all out, the doomed man selected the best tailor in down and was measured for new suits. After all the measurements were taken and fabrics selected, the tailor asked if the gentleman would like some custom made shirts too. "Why not", the man said. If he was going out, he was going out in style.
The tailor started to measure for the shirt sizes. "Chest, 42 inches, sleeves 34 inches, and neck 16 inches", the tailor intoned as he measured.
"Hold it", the man said. My neck size in 15 inches. That's what I've always worn and that's how I want my shirts!"
The customer being always right the tailor sighed and said, "OK, if that's the way you want them made, fine. But I must warn you, with the neck too small, you'll have headaches, your ears will ring and you'll see spots before your eyes."
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
Sorry, you can't repeat a karma action without waiting 24 hours.
-
An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.
The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.
The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastique”, which means “Fantastic shot”. The French businessman replies: “Merci”.
The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-ana”, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?”
-
So, a neighbor is gone and I was over at her house taking care of her plants. I needed to use the bathroom and went down the hall and entered. There on the sink was one of those test thingies you pee on.
Hmmmm, my perverted mind mused. Wonder how it will react to a guy peeing on this thing.
As I had to pee any way, I held it over the toilet, aimed carefully and let loose a stream. I couldn't believe the results. :emot_weird:
(https://i.imgur.com/sebRLZH.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/F1hZ1bm.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/N4JpE5F.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/ADU2nOk_d.jpg?maxwidth=640&shape=thumb&fidelity=medium)
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
-
Very funny Toe! Reminds me of the Nabokov quote on concidence.
A certain man once lost a diamond cuff-link in the wide blue sea, and twenty years later, on the exact day, a Friday apparently, he was eating a large fish - but there was no diamond inside. That’s what I like about coincidence.
-
Very funny Toe! Reminds me of the Nabokov quote on concidence.
A certain man once lost a diamond cuff-link in the wide blue sea, and twenty years later, on the exact day, a Friday apparently, he was eating a large fish - but there was no diamond inside. That’s what I like about coincidence.
Watcher invites Indian Babe to a picnic and brings a couple of bottles of wine, some cheese and a blanket. It will take at least two bottles of wine to interpret Nabokov's meaning of coincidence. 8)
-
They call him Humbert Humbert. ????
-
Best kind of argument Watcher. Wine, sunshine and arguing whether two people thinking about coincidence at the same time is coincidental or not! Vee.
-
Best kind of argument Watcher. Wine, sunshine and arguing whether two people thinking about coincidence at the same time is coincidental or not! Vee.
With the wine and sunshine maybe we would get distracted and never get to discussing coincidences..... 8)
-
It sounds pretty romantic to me, except for the argument part. Maybe it's better if you don't argue over literature?
At least, until after the festivities.
-
Best kind of argument Watcher. Wine, sunshine and arguing whether two people thinking about coincidence at the same time is coincidental or not! Vee.
With the wine and sunshine maybe we would get distracted and never get to discussing coincidences..... 8)
Plying this dusky Indian damsel with wine to turn her into your own personal Nabokovesque Lolita are we?
Not a bad idea.
-
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
:facepalm:
-
:emot_laughing:
;
A train hit a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all arrive at the Pearly Gates.
Since they all died unmarried (and presumably virgins,) St. Peter asks the first girl. "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies. "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." Knowing that she can't lie to get in.
St. Peter says. "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question. "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies. "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says. "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says. "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."
-
:emot_laughing: Good one Psi.
Science has developed a new strain of vegetable that won't cause gas.
It's been named Okra Wind-Free.
Those of you who are a tad slow, read aloud. :D
-
Is she from Okra-homa?
-
Just some random thoughts of the day. (Pick the one that best fits you)
* IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.
* RESPECT YOUR ELDERS. THEY GRADUATED FROM SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.
* I'VE DECIDED I'M NOT OLD, I'M 25 -- PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING.
* BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.
* VEGETARIAN: ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN’T HUNT, FISH, OR LIGHT FIRES!
* I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK "REALLY”? -- THAT'S THE SPERM THAT WON?"
* IN MY DEFENSE I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.
* MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD.
* SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
* CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.
* I THOUGHT GETTING OLD WOULD TAKE LONGER.
* A WISE MAN ONCE SAID - - NOTHING.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/q6pa266.png)
-
So my Peruvian said she wanted us to take a salsa class together, and very excited I heartedly agreed. So we arrived at the class, and Latin music was turned on and people began to dance. And there I was sheepishly hiding a bag of tortilla chips behind my back.
-
For Jed’s amiga...
Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Andes, a Peruvian, a Chilean, a little old lady, and a young well endowed blonde girl.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Chilean has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: The Chilean guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde girl thinks: That Chilean guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The Chilean thinks: The Peruvian must have groped the blonde in the dark. She thought it was me, and I got slapped.
The Peruvian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Chilean again.
-
For Jed’s amiga...
Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Andes, a Peruvian, a Chilean, a little old lady, and a young well endowed blonde girl.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Chilean has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: The Chilean guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde girl thinks: That Chilean guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The Chilean thinks: The Peruvian must have groped the blonde in the dark. She thought it was me, and I got slapped.
The Peruvian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Chilean again.
https://theculturetrip.com/south-america/chile/articles/chile-vs-peru-who-really-invented-the-pisco-sour/
-
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...when behind him he hears:
BUMP
BUMP
BUMP
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes put the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.
BUMP
BUMP
BUMP
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncuing quickly behind him.
FASTER
BUMP
FASTER
BUMP
FASTER
BUMP
He runs up to his door, fumbles his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
clappity-BUMP
clappity-BUMP
clappity-BUMP
On his heels, the terrified man runs.
clappity-BUMP
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
BUMPING and CLAPPING toward him.
clappity-BUMP
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup.
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
AND.....
just like that, the coffin stops.
-
They say puns are the lowest form of humor, but that got a rise out of me. ;D
-
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-leqd3o6Wbyg/VemDWPDvHmI/AAAAAAAAAnw/bWe1lOKljaw/s1600/one%2Bliner%2Bjokes.GIF)
-
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”
“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.
Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”
“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
-
A guy's frolicking in bed with his best friend's wife.
The phone rings and it's her husband.
Guy jumps out of the bed and grabs for his clothes.
Woman hangs up and orders him back to her bed.
She says, "No hurry. He'll be a while...says he's out drinking with you."
-
A guy's frolicking in bed with his best friend's wife.
The phone rings and it's her husband.
Guy jumps out of the bed and grabs for his clothes.
Woman hangs up and orders him back to her bed.
She says, "No hurry. He'll be a while...says he's out drinking with you."
Funniest I have read in a while
-
Glad you guys liked it. I did good at keeping my name out of it, so you wouldn't know it's a true story.
Dang...did I just type that out loud? :facepalm:
-
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies. You'll feel like 40 again."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He replied, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
"I want five loaves."
She was surprised, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it will be hard."
He replied peevishly, "Sheech! I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me!"
:facepalm:
-
No wonder I stay so limp. Can't have too many carbs, so the rye bread cure is a non-starter for me. :facepalm:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/cd2MArk.jpg)
-
An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar.
The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar."
Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."
Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?"
The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go f*ck yourself, these are my chips."
-
:D :D :D
-
A mother drags her kids out to go caroling on Christmas Eve. The kids end up enjoying it.
They almost pass a house that has a bad reputation.
"Doesn't anyone want to bring Christmas cheer to this creepy old guy?" The son asks.
"All right," His mother agrees. "But if we get killed don't tell your father."
-
A wise mother :D
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/zfX6KRVt/158-1000.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
-
(sigh) Thanks Watcher... story of my life :facepalm:
-
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”
“Well that’s your fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
-
My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
-
It’s the police, ma’am. Your son’s been hit by a drunk driver, he’s dead.
There is no punchline. It’s not a joke.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/G6VJnUW.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/h3LhMjx.jpg)
Now I'm starting to understand why it's been so long since I've gotten any action at home. :emot_laughing:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/h3LhMjx.jpg)
Now I'm starting to understand why it's been so long since I've gotten any action at home. :emot_laughing:
Mind your knees missus... stand up too quickly and you'll knee cap yourself... ;D
-
(https://i.imgur.com/vkdxhg2.jpg)
-
Good follow up to my cartoon.
BTW...I love the saggy ones. :facepalm:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/N09HXID.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/wofqkjS.jpg)
-
hahaha you're a goof.
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/GtCRvXFL/740-1000.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/62YFXLbg)
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/dtJ019pc/480-1000.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/s10zH53T)
-
The Rehab center had been successful at getting people off drugs and on to leading a "straight" life. As a result several clients had been discharged and there were a number of beds that needed to be filled to keep the operation profitable.
Two senior clients nearly ready to graduate were sent out to a couple groups of young people to try and recruit more business.
The first one came back with three new clients. The director was impressed and he asked the guy how he'd convinced three people to enter into recovery.
"It was easy", he said. "First I drew a large circle O, and said this is your brain. Next I drew a small circle o and told them this is your brain on drugs. These three signed up right away."
A while later, the other recruiter came back with six new candidates.
"Wow!" the director said. "How did you get twice as many people to enroll?"
"Well, I took a similar but slightly different approach to the other guy." First I drew a small circle o. Then I drew a large circle O. I pointed to the small circle and said this is your butt hole. Pointing to the large circle, I said this is your butt hole in prison."
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/rsG2vyvr/377-1000.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
-
There is a man in our neighbourhood who goes around stores stealing clothes in order of their size.
The latest police reports state that he is still at large.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/QFAOhDo.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/QFAOhDo.jpg)
Not cool, That one hit a little too close to home.
-
Not cool, That one hit a little too close to home.
Sorry if it was insensitive...never thought there'd be ppl out there who've had sex with a cactus. :emot_laughing:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/QFAOhDo.jpg)
Maybe next time she’ll. . . . .
(https://i.imgur.com/oTTQQC6.jpg)
-
Thanks Jed for reminding us of "Rule 34". ;D
-
Not cool, That one hit a little too close to home.
Sorry if it was insensitive...never thought there'd be ppl out there who've had sex with a cactus. :emot_laughing:
7 weeks since the last time I had a man.... getting pretty close :'(
-
Not cool, That one hit a little too close to home.
Sorry if it was insensitive...never thought there'd be ppl out there who've had sex with a cactus. :emot_laughing:
7 weeks since the last time I had a man.... getting pretty close :'(
Well, that's way too long for a hot, smart blond. Maybe Chirp can offer some pointers.
Been many years since I've been with a woman, but I've found plenty of men in same situation and we've been able to provide "comfort". ;D
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/g2zWM6Q5/231-1000.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/g2zWM6Q5/231-1000.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
“It’s like déjà vu all over again.” — Yogi Berra
(https://i.imgur.com/vkdxhg2.jpg)
-
lol - Old age. ;D
-
Found this "thingy" the other day
(https://i.imgur.com/iaWC88k.jpg)
-
Good for the skin, so they say.... 8)
(https://i.postimg.cc/V6bkLBxD/099-1000.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/dNF22Gv.jpg)
-
My cousin has two tickets for the 2019 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It’s at Temple of God Church, in Waco, at 3pm. Her name is Beth, she’s 5’4”, about 140 lbs, good cook too... She'll be the one in the white dress.
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
The body of the man who fell into the upholstery machine was recovered.
:emot_updwn:
A bicycle can't stand on it's own because it's two tired.
:emot_wave2:
A short fortune teller escaped from jail...a short medium at large.
:emot_ywave:
-
The body of the man who fell into the upholstery machine was recovered.
:emot_updwn:
A bicycle can't stand on it's own because it's two tired.
:emot_wave2:
A short fortune teller escaped from jail...a short medium at large.
:emot_ywave:
;D ;D ;D Msslave, you might appreciate the British comedian Tim Vine
https://inews.co.uk/light-relief/jokes/tim-vine-best-jokes-and-one-liners-495010
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/Pxpdm3rT/004-1000.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/vgyRyvVN)
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/6pRvMz5L/173-1000.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/XrjqJf5p)
-
:emot_laughing:
Both good ones!
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/6pRvMz5L/173-1000.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/XrjqJf5p)
You've got to be kidding me. I was literally looking at this exact joke days ago... are you peeping on my history somehow? Watcher indeed :emot_weird:
-
You've got to be kidding me. I was literally looking at this exact joke days ago... are you peeping on my history somehow? Watcher indeed :emot_weird:
History, no. You, hmmm... ;D ;D
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/kgm7QyVb/513-1000.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
-
(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/12/20/67/122067ba47b582b7d67499969f1f0322.jpg)
-
Foot fetish is an American thing; in the rest of the world we prefer metres.
-
Foot fetish is an American thing; in the rest of the world we prefer metres.
It's true. Most Americans just don't get the metric system. We can't even spell meters right.
-
Sunday night wife and I made a bet on the Oscar's. Stakes were, the loser had to perform oral sex on the winner.
Come on..how safe was I? No foreign film would have a chance of winning best picture. I was so looking forward to that BJ.
Well I lost. She's been rubbing it in my face ever since.
-
Sunday night wife and I made a bet on the Oscar's. Stakes were, the loser had to perform oral sex on the winner.
Come on..how safe was I? No foreign film would have a chance of winning best picture. I was so looking forward to that BJ.
Well I lost. She's been rubbing it in my face ever since.
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
(https://i.giphy.com/media/Oi4rsRZnCfWq4/source.gif)
-
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
-
Just a few weeks ago I was remembering parts of this joke. I knew the punch line about the "other" use for the spoon...just couldn't remember the set up.
Now my old mind can rest easy...until I forget again. :facepalm: :emot_laughing:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/xyERt8b.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/vjVzHDL.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/VP28p3Q.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/Z1sT4kk.jpg)
-
That's funny, Obi.
-
Girl: [seductively] I like it when guys lick my pussy.
Guy: [clueless] You do realise cats can clean themselves, right?
-
So I get on an elevator today and this gentlemen gets on with me. Hes not crowding me but hes standing a bit close so I move away. Then I notice he leans slightly closer to me. I move a but further away and I'm now in the corner. I keep looking at him wondering what his problem is.
He suddenly turns to me and asks "excuse me miss, but can I smell your vagina?"
Taken back I get pissed and yell "NO"
He replies with "oh, sorry, that must be your feet."
-
Albert dies suddenly and after two weeks away from him, his widow Joan, is desperate to make contact. She and Mendel the medium sit in Mendel's darkened studio.
"Albert are you there?” cries Joan.
After 20 long minutes of silence a voice calls out from the wall. “Yes, I'm here!"
"ALBERT, is it really you?"
"Yes, it's me!"
"How are you?"
"OK"
"What's it like over there? What do you do all day?"
"Well, I get up at 6 o'clock and have my breakfast. Then I go out for a swim, have a rest, make love. Then I have my lunch. After lunch I have a rest then I go out for a swim come back and make love. Then I have a quick swim, come back, and have my supper, make love, and then go to bed!”
"Is every day like that?"
"Every day, regular!"
"I don't understand, when you were alive you didn't eat regularly, never rested in the day, never made love, and never went swimming!"
"Well when I was alive I wasn't a duck."
-
The life of a duck!
-
That quacked me up.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/lVawivI.jpg)
-
I beat you... (https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1061/1924/products/Tears_Emoji_Icon_2_70x70.png?v=1485573515) (https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1061/1924/products/Tears_Emoji_Icon_2_70x70.png?v=1485573515) (https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1061/1924/products/Tears_Emoji_Icon_2_70x70.png?v=1485573515)
(http://i.imgur.com/P3dTEBQ.jpg)
-
Ah...the good ones never die :emot_laughing:
-
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
-
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
That he is a she, lol.
(https://i.imgur.com/pfKlGfW.jpg)
-
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
-
Just a heads up. Or warning.
This week started with losing an hour to the semi-annual insanity called Daylight Saving Time.
There will be a full moon this week.
The work week ends on Friday the 13th.
Good luck people. Just sayin'
PS: Don't forget to wash your hands... a lot!
-
(https://i.imgur.com/hLVI8a8.jpg)
-
Dan is paying the neighbor kid $10/day to pick up poop in our yard.
$30 later, the kid just now realized we don't have a dog.
#out-of-tp
-
Dan is paying the neighbor kid $10/day to pick up poop in our yard.
$30 later, the kid just now realized we don't have a dog.
#out-of-tp
Eweeee! :facepalm:
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/cCT0cJvZ/909-1000.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
-
F**k'n Internet! I checked before going to the grocery store...said I'd be safe with just gloves and a face mask.
LIE!!!
Everyone else had on clothes too. :facepalm:
-
F**k'n Internet! I checked before going to the grocery store...said I'd be safe with just gloves and a face mask.
LIE!!!
Everyone else had on clothes too. :facepalm:
hahaha
Funny, MS
-
F**k'n Internet! I checked before going to the grocery store...said I'd be safe with just gloves and a face mask.
LIE!!!
Everyone else had on clothes too. :facepalm:
But I bet no one got within 6 feet of you. :D
-
Walking through Walgreen looking for any type of sanitizer but all the shelves are empty. Not even travel size. Then this guy walks up to me and whispers
"I got what you're looking for. My dick dispenses purell."
My reply
"How dumb do you think I am, I'm not falling for that twice."
-
F**k'n Internet! I checked before going to the grocery store...said I'd be safe with just gloves and a face mask.
LIE!!!
Everyone else had on clothes too. :facepalm:
Was that you hanging out at the frozen food section?
-
F**k'n Internet! I checked before going to the grocery store...said I'd be safe with just gloves and a face mask.
LIE!!!
Everyone else had on clothes too. :facepalm:
Was that you hanging out at the frozen food section?
Nope... with all the cold air from the freezers I was so shriveled that nothing was "hanging".
-
A man walked into a bar.
The bartender said, "Get the fuck outta here!"
-
(https://i.imgur.com/gcwwO7U.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/gcwwO7U.jpg)
For the last time, It’s Jed. . . . not Jeb!!!!
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/gcwwO7U.jpg)
For the last time, It’s Jed. . . . not Jeb!!!!
I thought the same thing.
The bad part is, when you were done assaulting it, you served it up on a plate.
That said, I made pasta salad for dinner last night to go with fried chicken.
-
It was fried chicken wings. Those girls couldn’t have flown anyway, especially after I was done with them.
-
Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!! ????????????????????????
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!! ????????????????????????
Brilliant!!! And a great big WOO...
-
Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!! ????????????????????????
I hate you, laughed so hard my sides hurt along with everything else now :emot_laughing:
-
So.....
I just got back from Walmart. I've never been so rudely treated in my life!! All I did was ask for toilet paper at the service desk. The woman behind the counter yelled at the top of her lungs "OH MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS!!??"
I politely said, "There's no need to make a scene, lady" and shuffled back to the bathroom with my pants around my ankles.
-
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo. It means someone stole the tent'
-
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?!? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land!!! No questions asked or answers given!!! Have I made myself clear... do you understand?!?!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull... With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs...
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!!" (https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1061/1924/products/Tears_Emoji_Icon_2_70x70.png?v=1485573515) (https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1061/1924/products/Tears_Emoji_Icon_2_70x70.png?v=1485573515) (https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1061/1924/products/Tears_Emoji_Icon_2_70x70.png?v=1485573515)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/8BFQfm0.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/R8SAb0e.jpg)
-
Damn, already used my woo, and this is even better than that one. :emot_laughing:
-
Revenge of the blondes
After Donald Trump, the world is wondering if it is the blonde men, not women, who are actually a bit dumber. They collected these true stories of Blonde men.
*A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've already wet mine."
------------
* A blonde man sees a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------
*A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her First Child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------
*A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I Couldn't breathe."
------------
*An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "Duh, If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
------------
*A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------
*Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------
*A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are intimate. The whole street was watching and laughing at YOU yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on "ALL OF YOU" because I wasn't even at home yesterday !
--------------
-
Revenge of the blondes
After Donald Trump, the world is wondering if it is the blonde men, not women, who are actually a bit dumber. They collected these true stories of Blonde men.
*A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've already wet mine."
------------
* A blonde man sees a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------
*A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her First Child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------
*A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I Couldn't breathe."
------------
*An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "Duh, If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
------------
*A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------
*Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------
*A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are intimate. The whole street was watching and laughing at YOU yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on "ALL OF YOU" because I wasn't even at home yesterday !
--------------
Wait.... I don't get these...
-
Reflections on the Covid 19 days.
Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
Home-schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
So, after this quarantine... will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
I'm so excited. It's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/pqTKAM1.jpg)
-
The police spotted God walking around Yorkshire during the coronavirus lockdown and asked him what he though he was doing.
"Working from home", came the reply.
(non-UK readers can replace Yorkshire with the relevant part of their own country)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/2bhOeW6.png)
-
Buckle up kids, this is my Dad’s favorite joke to tell.
So Johnny lives in this small town that is all about routine and predictability. Everything could be set to a clock. Every year during the summer a circus comes to town. Johnny has done everything at the circus except one thing. He has never been to the clown tent. This year though, this year he’ll go see that clown.
So as always the circus shows up and they start putting up tents and games. Animals are taken out of their cages and placed into pens. Performers and staff walk around preparing for the show to begin and Johnny sat at the gate waiting for the circus to open. He was going to be there first one in and the first one to the clowns tent.
Well the day finally came and the circus opened and Johnny was off. He sprinted to the booth to get his tickets for rides and games, but he bought his ticket for the clown first. It was a few hours before the clown did his first show of the day, but Johnny didn’t care. He stood outside the tent in line and waited. Finally a staff member brought out the box to collect tickets and he let Johnny inside to wait for the show to begin
Now this clown has done the same show for years. He never changed it and would stick to it no matter what. He would come out and do some cartwheels and round offs. He would tumble around on the floor and then begin juggling. First he would use tennis balls, then bowling pins, and finally move onto knives. When the juggling would end, the stand up comedy would start. He would start off with the same joke every time. He would look through the audience and pick out one man.
“Excuse me sir, but are you a horses head"? The clown would ask his target.
The person would obviously respond with, “no, I am not a horses head”.
To that the clown would reply with, “well, then you must be a horses ass. HA HA HA HA.”
The clown would laugh and the crowd would laugh and then the clown would continue with his jokes. Johnny never having see the show before knew nothing of this. He walked into the tent walked to the first bench and sat down front and center. He then waited while more people filed in and the room started filling up. Finally the lights went down and a spotlight shined on the stage.
Johnny was filled with excitement and total glee as he watched the clown cartwheel out from backstage. He tumbled and flipped to Johnny’s overjoyed clapping and cheers. The clown stopped and grabbed three balls and began juggling, and Johnny applauded. He switched to the bowling pins and Johnny clapped louder. He switched to the knives and Johnny clapped so loud and hard his hands hurt. Now, however, now the clown had stopped and he had taken notice to Johnny’s excitement to his act.
The clown looked right at Johnny and said “you, young sir.”
Johnny astonished he’s being called out by the clown got extremely excited. “Me, Mr. Clown? You speaking to me?”
“Why yes young sir, let me ask you a question.” Replied the clown.
“Why of course Mr. Clown. Please ask your question.” Said Johnny as he inched to the edge of his seat in excitement.
“Are you a horses head?” Asked the clown.
Johnny being a bit confused answered with the obvious. “why no Mr. Clown, I’m not a horses head.”
“Well then you must be a horses ass. HA HA HA.” Laughed the clown.
The clown laughed, the crowd laughed, the staff to the clown laugh. Johnny got PISSED. he jumped out of his seat near tears and stormed out of the clown tent. The whole time people laughing and pointing at poor Johnny. Johnny decided on the spot to get this damn clown.
Next day Johnny went to schools and went to the library. He checked out every book he could find on insults and snappy comebacks. He read those books cover to cover until he nearly had them memorized. Before school each day he’d stand in the mirror launching insults and snappy comebacks at himself. For the rest of the school year he studied and practiced. He kept thinking to himself, am I ready for this clown? Nope, I need to be ready and it needs to be perfect.
Two years he did this until he went off to high school where he would go to the library and check out all the same books plus new ones that had been published. He went to the town and county libraries and took all the books he could find there and he would study every page on insults and snappy comebacks. He practiced daily on his new found passion and skill. He nearly failed high school he spent so much time on these books, but still he graduated. After receiving his diploma he thought to himself. I’m I ready for this clown? Nope, not yet, I need to be ready and it needs to be perfect.
So he talks to his parents and tells them he is leaving to go study insults and snappy comebacks at the college of snappy comebacks. His parents do not approve of this but yet he goes anyways. he studies for years on being the best at insults and snappy comebacks. He even starts to assist the professors at the college. For two years he studies and learns and practices to be the best in his class and finally he graduates with honors. As he receives his diploma he thinks to himself. Am I ready for this clown? No, not yet, he needs to be ready, and it needs to be perfect.
He had nearly burned all bridges with his family so he was on his own to get to Europe to study at the university of insults and snappy comebacks. working at comedy clubs doing insult comedy and having great snappy comebacks to hecklers he was able to make enough money to attend the university so he was off to Europe and studied at the university of snappy comebacks. The entire time he learned and studied at the university he would spend weekends traveling to different cities and countries earning money doing his insult comedy and snappy comebacks with hecklers. It was to nobodies surprise when he was asked to teach at the university after only a few years. He thought to himself, am I ready for this clown? No, not yet, I need to be ready, it needs to be perfect.
He taught new insults and snappy comebacks and instructed on his unique way of inventing his own. One day he heard rumor of a something. Somewhere in the mountains there was a small palace and inside resides the king of snappy comebacks. Since he’s already graduated early from the university of snappy comebacks and has been teaching for months. He finally decides to go visit this king of snappy comebacks. He checks his account and has earned more than enough from his insult comedy and snappy comebacks to hecklers that he leaves almost immediately to find this king.
Weeks of traveling he finally comes upon this small palace in the mountains. He walks in and is greeted by a small group of people. He begins to ask where the king of snappy comebacks was when the people start hurling insults at him. He immediately fires back with snappy comebacks and slowly but surely the people would step back from Johnny as he defeated them. As the last man backed away Johnny saw a small old man sitting in the back of the room. As Johnny made his way to him he stood and introduced himself as the king of snappy comebacks. Johnny begins to speak when the king starts his insults. Johnny fires back with snappy comebacks immediately. Back and forth they battled with insults and snappy comebacks. They flew through old ones and some new and when Johnny started creating his own they both knew it was only a matter of time. After two days of insults and snappy comebacks the king of snappy comebacks fell to his knees in defeat and yielded to Johnny.
Johnny had won and is crowned the new king of snappy comebacks.
So finally Johnny thinks to himself, I’m I ready for this clown? Yes, finally I am ready, this is will be perfect.
So Johnny gets a flight back home, and he starts to worry and wonder if the clown will even still be there. It’s been years since he began, and the clown may not be a different person. He may have even died.
He gets back to his old town and sees his face everywhere. He had no idea he had become famous for his insult comedy acts and snappy comebacks to hecklers. He goes back to his parents home who apologize repeatedly for not supporting him. He doesn’t care about that, he only cares about getting back at that clown. It wasn’t long before he starts to see flyers going up around town for the circus. Johnny once again is filled with excitement and anticipation.
The day finally comes and johnny leaves first thing in the morning. He stands in the front of the line and when they open those gates Johnny is off just like he had the last time. He ran to the ticket booth and bought only one ticket, a ticket to see the clown. Just like when he was a child he stood outside that tent and waited to be let in. The staff eventually opened up and Johnny goes into the tent. He walks to the front and takes his seat just like last time… and waits.
People slowly start to file into the tent but it doesn’t get full like it used to. The lights go out and the spotlight comes on. The clown appeared like he did the last time, well, almost. It was the same clown and the years had not been kind. He fell over trying to do a cartwheel. He stumbled after the round off. He dropped both balls and pins while juggling. He didn’t even bother with the knives. Johnny felt pity for this creature. He didn’t want to do this anymore. Life has been cruel enough. So Johnny decides to leave. As he stands to go the clown notices him and points at him.
“Hey buddy, leaving already? Well, Let me ask you a question?” The clown slurred at him.
“that’s ok, Mr. Clown you don’t…” johnny began.
“Are you a horses head?” asked the clown.
“Please, don’t…” johnny began before being interrupted.
“Well, if not, then you must be a horses ass. I big fat smelly horses ass. HA HA HA” The clown roared with laughter and the few people in the crowd laughed as well.
Johnny got pissed. This clown will never learn, he’ll keep this up till he dies. This was what all that work was for. He was the king of snappy comebacks, and nobody talks to the king that way. Johnny red faced and angry as all hell turned and stormed up the stage, got right into that clowns face and said.
“FUCK YOU CLOWN!”
(https://i.postimg.cc/vHHfTx9Y/Arid-Welloff-Aoudad-max-1mb.gif)
-
That joke was....
a) the longest joke I've ever read on here.
b) so long I went to the bathroom twice.
c) longer than a Trump Coronavirus task force update.
d) all of the above.
jk Shi. Thanks for the laugh.
-
That joke was....
a) the longest joke I've ever read on here.
b) so long I went to the bathroom twice.
c) longer than a Trump Coronavirus task force update.
d) all of the above.
jk Shi. Thanks for the laugh.
Ahhhhhh.... I want that thirty minutes back. (https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1061/1924/products/Tears_Emoji_Icon_2_70x70.png?v=1485573515)
-
That joke was....
a) the longest joke I've ever read on here.
b) so long I went to the bathroom twice.
c) longer than a Trump Coronavirus task force update.
d) all of the above.
jk Shi. Thanks for the laugh.
Ahhhhhh.... I want that thirty minutes back. (https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1061/1924/products/Tears_Emoji_Icon_2_70x70.png?v=1485573515)
30 minutes, took me two days of off and on typing to finish it. He loves that joke. Takes him 10-15 minutes to tell it. Very animated when he does too.
Next I'll tell you the purple passion joke :evil: :evil: :evil:
-
"Next I'll tell you the purple passion joke "
Can you wait until I accrue some vacation time?
-
(https://i.imgur.com/3Nc0biX.jpg)
SHAGGY DOG AWARD OF THE YEAR TO SHIELA!
You youngsters, look up shaggy dog story.
-
The government won't tell us that aliens and UFOs are real because y'all would panic and buy up all the foil.
-
I'm just waiting for them to abduct me. Go ahead alien bitches...probe me!
-
The government won't tell us that aliens and UFOs are real because y'all would panic and buy up all the foil.
(https://i.postimg.cc/GmTVDdg4/download-jpeg.jpg)
-
Shiela - just read your joke. Had a bagel and a glass of O.J. while reading it. ;D ;D ;D
-
OMG Shiela! Definitely worth a woo!
-
The government won't tell us that aliens and UFOs are real because y'all would panic and buy up all the foil.
(https://i.postimg.cc/GmTVDdg4/download-jpeg.jpg)
(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/ELLxtMIVlo_aVKKEoZ3AJFvd8a-DDsyq71byZLD4yC5oaQzDVR_Yt6mvbXqU-gb3Ax1LMC7gIc40Dc62LVMMH7sMpBZIxl3BldvlYu2EPXxORPJ26wtXHGGz3eHsBRMi9MnGQiN9XzTeQQ)
-
Not Nessie!!! :o
(https://i.postimg.cc/GmTVDdg4/download-jpeg.jpg)
(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/ELLxtMIVlo_aVKKEoZ3AJFvd8a-DDsyq71byZLD4yC5oaQzDVR_Yt6mvbXqU-gb3Ax1LMC7gIc40Dc62LVMMH7sMpBZIxl3BldvlYu2EPXxORPJ26wtXHGGz3eHsBRMi9MnGQiN9XzTeQQ)
-
I rode my bike to the liquor store and bought a bottle of bourbon.
I put the bottle in my handle bar basket and was about to start riding home. Then I thought to myself, "What if I fall over while riding? I would probably break the bottle."
So, I drank the whole bottle before starting the ride toward home. And it ended up being a really good decision, because I fell over on my bike 6 times before reaching home.
-
And I'll bet you eat all the cupcakes so they won't be there to tempt you. :emot_laughing:
-
My autistic son did it again. He made up this one last night.
What do you call it when two Persian women have sex?
A magic carpet ride. :emot_laughing:
-
What things in your house are thinking during quarantine:
Dishwasher: You're running me AGAIN? You just ran me.
Phone/tablet: You saw the screen time report. Maybe put me down and read a book.
Washer (to dryer): Is it just me or is 80% of their laundry just pajamas now?
Dryer: Oh, AT LEAST.
Refrigerator: Every 10 minutes you people are opening my door. EVERY 10 MINUTES!
Bathroom shower: Um... hello?
Car in garage: Did I do something to offend someone?
(From a cartoon by Adrienne Hedger (http://www.hedgerhumor.com))
-
What things in your house are thinking during quarantine:
Dishwasher: You're running me AGAIN? You just ran me.
My vacuum has been getting a workout, so has my Reveal (swiffer type thing) that I do the hardwood floors with.
Guilty of most. Except I shower every day. And Dan is a car freak and worries about cars sitting too long so he's driving each car every 3 days.
I'll share a joke that my daughter told the other day.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.
The funniest part was her laughing hysterically at her joke. Which got the whole family laughing.
And Dan countered with
Back in my day you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.
And nobody laughed.
-
Poor Dan...guess it's all in the delivery and timing. :emot_laughing:
-
I'll share a joke that my daughter told the other day.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.
The funniest part was her laughing hysterically at her joke. Which got the whole family laughing.
I love listening to kids tell jokes, especially when they're cracking up while they tell it.
Ask her if she's heard the one about the roof. Then say, Never mind, it's over your head.
And Dan countered with
Back in my day you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.
And nobody laughed.
I did! :emot_laughing:
-
Funny how we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it.
Good times...
-
And Dan countered with
Back in my day you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.
And nobody laughed.
Well I laughed reading that, make sure he knows.
In fact, I’m going to use that although these days I have an audience of one for jokes.
-
This morning my yogurt blew up all over me and my wife called out, "Bukkake!"
-
A judge was interviewing a Blonde woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
-
What does covid-19 and the vietnam war have in common?
Trump ran away from both.
-
What does covid-19 and the vietnam war have in common?
Trump ran away from both.
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
And over 50,000 unnecessary deaths...
-
Three nuns and their Mother Superior died on the same day. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter who said he had to ask them each a religious question before allowing them to enter heaven.
St. Peter to first nun: "What was the name of the first man on earth?"
First Nun: "Adam"
St. Peter: "Correct sister, in you go."
St. Peter to second nun: "What was the name of the first woman on earth?"
Second Nun: "Eve"
St. Peter: "Correct sister, in you go."
St. Peter to third nun: "What was the name of the place where Adam and Eve lived?"
Third Nun: "The Garden of Eden"
St. Peter: "Correct sister, in you go."
St. Peter: "Now Mother Superior because of your seniority your question has to be a more difficult. What were Eve's first words when she saw Adam?"
Mother Superior: "Mmmm, that is a hard one."
St. Peter: "In you go."
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
Guess she spoke from experience. ;D
-
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
-
Great Joke :emot_laughing:
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/8crNpRxx/146-1000.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
An oldie, but a goody! :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
for those of you who have not heard of "Bruster the Rooster"
Bruster the Rooster was the horniest thing alive. He'd try to breed anything alive. Of course, he tended to all the hens, but he'd also try the goat, dog, gopher or anything else he could catch.
The farmer kept telling him, "Bruster, you're going to fuck yourself to death one day."
One summer day the farmer looks out his window and sees Bruster laying motionless in the yard, buzzards circling overhead. The farmer walks out to the body, shovel in hand, and says:
"Bruster, I told ya you were going to kill yourself."
Bruster opened one eye, pointed up and said "Shhh, they're about to land."
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/nLy0X93y/140-1000.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
-
:emot_laughing: Well...at least that's something I won't hear from my wife.
-
For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write, 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.'
-
On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.'
LOL. And woo. I seem to recall watcher’s woman is Italian.
(https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/godfather/images/b/b6/0000056873.jpg/revision/latest/top-crop/width/300/height/300?cb=20180826220334)
-
And here I'm thinking the "extra sauce" is what got him into this mess.
-
And here I'm thinking the "extra sauce" is what got him into this mess.
My first reaction as well. My wife calls it “your sauce.” As in, “I’m hungry tonight, I hope you made a lot of your sauce for me.”
(https://i.imgur.com/o9HTP5X.gif)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/o9HTP5X.gif)
Wow, that guy is very well equipt, and that shot...
:emot_thdrool: :emot_thdrool: :emot_thdrool:
-
On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.'
LOL. And woo. I seem to recall watcher’s woman is Italian.
Sicilian. And she did have two with meatballs and one without. ;D ;D
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/65qx0W1Q/143-1000.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
-
I am so happy. I just got new exercise equipment. Queen size dreamcloud mattress with box spring and memory foam. So excited for my next workout
-
I am so happy. I just got new exercise equipment. Queen size dreamcloud mattress with box spring and memory foam. So excited for my next workout
I would love to see the impression in your new memory foam after your next "workout". :emot_kiss:
-
Sometime, even if it's broke, you shouldn't even try to fix it.
Europe English
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
Unfortunately, it still wouldn't fix the way they spell words funny, like metre, theatre, and colour. ;D
-
Now, now Purpleshoes, let's not start down that road thread or my language and behaviour might get colourful but lack all humour and flavour. It could be rumoured I might even harbour a grudge ;D
BTW is it true that Canadians like to cling on to the superfluous "u"?
-
At 999, I think this is good bye KB. I've had a blast being a member here. Reading some great stories and sharing some of my own. Shared some secrets and had fun flirting. Even done things I'm proud of. When you post a picture and somebody uses it as an avatar, that is a great compliment, and when that person is MJ... really it's only down hill from there.
I don't think there is anything else I could possibly share here.
So I guess this is goodbye everybody
Goodbye
Farewell
So long
Bye bye
-
At 999, I think this is good bye KB. I've had a blast being a member here. Reading some great stories and sharing some of my own. Shared some secrets and had fun flirting. Even done things I'm proud of. When you post a picture and somebody uses it as an avatar, that is a great compliment, and when that person is MJ... really it's only down hill from there.
I don't think there is anything else I could possibly share here.
So I guess this is goodbye everybody
Goodbye
Farewell
So long
Bye bye
(https://ci.memecdn.com/11096208.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/4Cd3l3P.jpg)
-
Have you no shame Toe. >:(
-
The reason why you can't get pregnant from a vampire is not because the semen is dead, but because they can't cum inside without an invitation.
-
Just heard this one today
seriously? after seeing how trump exposed all the swamp on dem side and saw them try to commit a political coup from inside our own govt. and spy on a candidate and all the twisted lies from fbi all the way up thru hillary and most likely involving obama as well...and that russia crap and bengazi and epstien... and then fired all the swamp on republican side and proceeded to create the best economy in my 60 years lifetime all while getting attacked daily from across the aisle and no help from his side of the aisle .. and did every single thing he promised like going down a check list...something i have NEVER seen any president do before..is anyone really even considering voting for a senile old guy who has been in politics for 40 years and accomplished nothing?
i laughed when trump ran..but he turned out to be the greatest president in my lifetime and i truly believe he saved our country from what we all see now in NY and seattle and anywhere democrats have bowed down to the nazi socialist facists that our colleges have been brainwashing.. that want to destroy the greatest country on earth..something they will ALL regret when they grow older and wiser and the bubble those spoiled brats live in really pops. if they get their way it will be their own personal hell they struggle in to survive their mature years, and suffer while they kick themselves in the ass and say "my god i was stupid when i was young and destructive, i ruined my own future!"..they all need to spend a year or two in the philippines or somalia (or anywhere thats not a US ally) to get a dose of reality...then go back to the good ol USA and see if they still have a mood to tear down statues and history and defund the only thin blue line keeping real americans from getting out their guns and killing all the anti-american punk idiots destroying what hard working adults have built, and the brainwashing college staff who created this disgusting blight on our nation. God help us all if trump does not win.
-
(https://i.gifer.com/7F1x.gif)
-
It's just a shame Eater probably doesn't see why it's humourous.
-
13: I am the worst number.
666: No, I am the worst number.
2020: Bitches, please. :roll:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/jw7xykL.png)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/rTRhKsm.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/SxV4RO6.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/1mxrHnq.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/jw7xykL.png)
I'm officially a dinosaur then. :D
-
(https://i.imgur.com/jw7xykL.png)
I'm officially a dinosaur then. :D
Somebody needs to be on a microfiche in the background. :emot_laughing:
-
Please...no groaning after viewing post. :(
(https://i.imgur.com/ZzAWMJU.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/P5PMQUV.png)
-
Just off the newswire. A cheese factory has blown up in France.
Early reports say da-brie was everywhere.
:facepalm:
-
I was passing by my mate Charlie's farm yesterday and he was in the yard kissing the arse of one of his cows.
"Hey Charlie, why are you kissing that cow's arse?" I asked.
"Well," he replied "I've got terribly chapped lips."
"Does that cure chapped lips then?" I inquired.
"No," He answered, "but it do stop me licking them for a few minutes."
-
Last week I went for my annual medical checkup and it was a lady doctor who did it. After a few minutes she said "You really must stop masturbating."
"Why do I have to do that?" I asked, to which she said, "Because it's making it very difficult for me to examine you."
-
Q: What does a pizza delivery boy and a gynocologist have in common?
A: The both get to smell it, but will get in trouble if they try to taste it.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/GvjS98a.jpg)
-
Man walking past a pub sees a sign in the window that says, Free Beer For Life.
He goes inside and asks the bartender how does he get free beer for life.
The bartender says he has to drink a gallon of tequila as quickly as he can; go out back and pull a tooth from the alligator that is kept in the pool, and lastly, go upstairs where the ugliest woman in town lives and make love to her.
The man guzzles down the gallon of tequila as fast as he can and proceeds to go out back where the bar patrons can hear splashing and screaming coming from the pool where the alligator is.
Ten minutes later, the man, all disheveled, enters the bar and asks the bartender where the ugly lady with the bad tooth is....
-
:emot_laughing: Some people just can't follow instructions. :facepalm:
-
An outing by nuns turned tragic when their bus crashed and all the nuns died. Upon entering Heaven and standing before the Pearly Gates they were stopped by St Peter. He told the nuns that if any of them ever touched a man's penis, they were to dip the part that touched the penis in the holy water that was in a basin next to St Peter.
Sister Dorothy told St Peter that she once touched a man's penis with her finger. St Peter then commanded her to dip her finger in the holy water and enter.
Sister Dominica mentioned she had once grabbed a man's penis. St Peter commander her to dip her entire hand in the holy water and enter.
There was a scuffle occurring in the line and soon Sister Elizabeth came running up to the holy water and told St Peter that she wanted to gargle the holy water before Sister Teresa washed her ass in it...
-
Not enough holy water in the world to... never mind :facepalm:
-
Not enough holy water in the world to... never mind :facepalm:
Are you saying that you would need to take a bath in holy water? 8)
-
Not enough holy water in the world to... never mind :facepalm:
Are you saying that you would need to take a bath in holy water? 8)
Just go ahead and have a priest bless the hot tub :facepalm:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/yCWcNai.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/J753DqZ.jpg)
-
"When this covid thing is over..." is starting to sound like "When I win the lottery..."
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/QC71Nw9b/128-1000.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
-
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind” statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors’ bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, “Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”
-
My uncle told me that years ago. I always wondered if it was real or urban legend?
I always liked it though. My uncle who is extremely conservative said ‘blow job’ when he told me, LOL.
-
My uncle told me that years ago. I always wondered if it was real or urban legend?
I always liked it though. My uncle who is extremely conservative said ‘blow job’ when he told me, LOL.
It is an urban legend. That’s why I put it here, instead of in “what I learned today.” (https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1061/1924/products/Tears_Emoji_Icon_2_70x70.png?v=1485573515) (https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1061/1924/products/Tears_Emoji_Icon_2_70x70.png?v=1485573515) (https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1061/1924/products/Tears_Emoji_Icon_2_70x70.png?v=1485573515)
-
My father's best friend used to call him Gorsky. I never understood why. My sister and I even asked him and his friend several times. They would brush it off as a joke from when they were younger.
So now after reading this, I'm thinking daddy told his friend he never received oral sex. I am maybe wrong in coming to that conclusion, but I certainly can't go to him now to confirm that's the reasoning for his friend calling him that.
-
My father's best friend used to call him Gorsky. I never understood why. My sister and I even asked him and his friend several times. They would brush it off as a joke from when they were younger.
So now after reading this, I'm thinking daddy told his friend he never received oral sex. I am maybe wrong in coming to that conclusion, but I certainly can't go to him now to confirm that's the reasoning for his friend calling him that.
My wife, who is Russian, asked me about Mr. Gorsky. Apparently the Gorskys are famous in Russia also. LOL.
-
What do we want?
A cure for tourette's syndrome
When do we want it?
Shit fuck!!!
-
Very clever Shiela. All I can say is, *&%$#&%.
Dang, I think I broke my autocorrect. :facepalm:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/BUiqGn0.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/93pX4oj.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/e1N1Rhe.jpg)
-
An elderly man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
-
Florida woman stops 12 ft gator with .22 pistol!
Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 calibre Ruger Pistol. Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
"If I had not had my little Ruger .22 calibre pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!”
-
LOL! Good one! :emot_laughing:
-
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did, and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
-
Funny, Purple!
-
What do rednecks do on Halloween?
Pump Kin. :facepalm: :emot_laughing:
-
• An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony
- Jill Thomas Doyle
-
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona.
They turn a corner and see a sign that says...
"Old Timers Bar, ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to
be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room...
"Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no
time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and
says... "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender saying...
"That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as
good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million
and decided to open this place.
Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven
other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of
them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the
Bartender... "What's with them?"
The bartender says... "They're retired people from Florida.
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
-
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
That's some funny stuff! :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
A colon and a semicolon walk into a bar: the colon has a gutful; the semicolon orders a half
-
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona.
They turn a corner and see a sign that says...
"Old Timers Bar, ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to
be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room...
"Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no
time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and
says... "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender saying...
"That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as
good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million
and decided to open this place.
Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven
other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of
them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the
Bartender... "What's with them?"
The bartender says... "They're retired people from Florida.
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
From Florida via New York City.... ;D ;D
-
Old Jim is hiking to his favorite fishin' hole... He finds a weird mason jar.
He opens it and, POOF!
A cloud of smoke, and....
"I'm a discount genie! I can grant you a wish Jim because you released me!"
Jim thinks for a second.... "HMMMM. Ok, I want a series of private roads only for my use, from my house to my favorite hunting and fishing spots"...
The genie points to the mason jar... "I'm a discount genie! Do you realize the zoning and construction costs alone!? I'd need to build private roads through the middle of 3 city blocks!"
"OK", Jim says, "Then I want to know everything there is to know about every woman. What makes them tick, how they really think, and how to be what they think is the perfect man"...
Discount genie looks at Jim for a moment and says...
"You want them roads to be one lane or two?"...
-
Old Jim is hiking to his favorite fishin' hole... He finds a weird mason jar.
He opens it and, POOF!
A cloud of smoke, and....
"I'm a discount genie! I can grant you a wish Jim because you released me!"
Jim thinks for a second.... "HMMMM. Ok, I want a series of private roads only for my use, from my house to my favorite hunting and fishing spots"...
The genie points to the mason jar... "I'm a discount genie! Do you realize the zoning and construction costs alone!? I'd need to build private roads through the middle of 3 city blocks!"
"OK", Jim says, "Then I want to know everything there is to know about every woman. What makes them tick, how they really think, and how to be what they think is the perfect man"...
Discount genie looks at Jim for a moment and says...
"You want them roads to be one lane or two?"...
:emot_laughing:
-
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other is a *great* year.
-
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day." — Chinese proverb
-
An elderly couple were packing up their items to move into a smaller place. The man happened to find a shoebox on the top shelf of a cabinet. When he opened the shoebox he found three eggs and $200 in paper money.
He brought the shoebox to his wife and asked her did she know why there were three eggs and $200 in a shoebox. She sheepishly looked at her husband and said that each egg represents one time she cheated on him. The husband, figuring three times in the fifty years they have been married was not a lot, especially after all the fun times they have had.
He then asked his wife what was the significance of the $200. She replied that every time she had a dozen eggs she would sell them...
-
There were three guys and they were all really good friends. One German, one Italian, and one Polish. They all worked in construction and were working on a large high-rise building. The time came for lunch so the went, got their food and sat down on a beam to eat.
The German guy opened his lunchbox and seeing that once again, his wife had made him bratwurst, he said in frustration, “my god, again with the bratwurst. I swear that if I get bratwurst for lunch tomorrow I'm going to jump off this thing and kill myself.”
The other two shared a look and then the Italian guy opened his lunchbox, and saw a calzone. Like his German friend he made the same declaration, “If I get calzone tomorrow I too, will jump off this beam.”
The polish guy looked at both his friends and opened his lunchbox. He looked to his friends and said, “I get where you two are coming from. If I get these pierogi again tomorrow I’ll jump off this beam as well.”
They all ate there food with frustration, finished work and went home. The next day the work horn blew and all three met in the same spot for lunch. They all shared a look before opening their lunchboxes together. Inside they found bratwurst, calzone, and pierogi. After writing a quick note to their intentions they all jumped together and perished.
A week later they had a joined funeral because they were such great friends. The three wives stood together with tears in their eyes.
The German's wife said, “why didn’t he just tell me he hated the bratwurst, I would have made him anything else.”
The Italian’s wife agreed, “I would have cooked him the finest food if I knew he hated the calzone so much.”
The Pollack’s wife shook her head crying, “I should have never let him pack his own lunch.”
-
The Pollack’s wife shook her head crying, “I should have never let him pack his own lunch.”
I'll be telling my father this one later. I can imagine his laugh now. His best friend is Polish and I know Daddy will be telling it to him.
-
ohnny got pissed. This clown will never learn, he’ll keep this up till he dies. This was what all that work was for. He was the king of snappy comebacks, and nobody talks to the king that way. Johnny red faced and angry as all hell turned and stormed up the stage, got right into that clowns face and said.
“FUCK YOU CLOWN!”
Took me eight and a half hours to read all the joke posts from thread inception to this one.
Took me 2 naps, three meals and 2 showers to get to the punch line of this single joke. (might of taken a couple of ummm.. breaks reading a few nc stories as well)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/ooueqRe.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/UIioogj.jpg)
-
Eh? What'd ya say Santa?
(https://i.imgur.com/v7Cl4qB.jpg)
-
What did the leper say to the whore?
Keep the tip
-
A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.
She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."
The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositioned like this. Alas he remembers the wedding ring on his finger and frowns. "I suppose I'll carry on to success?"
She smiles again and with the wave of her hand, the door slides open, revealing a modest but nonetheless quite lovely vestibule. He leaves his suitcase at the lobby, and almost as though in a trance, wanders through.
Inside, he sees a table, or more accurately, a polished slab of white marble. Lying atop the marble is another lady, even more attractive than the first, clad more than a little immodestly. She slides over to meet his awestruck gaze and offers him a dazzling smile, her red lips parting to reveal a perfect row of teeth. She looks at him with eyes that seem to flicker between shades of the most exquisite turquoise gems and with a sensual finger, unbuttons a shirt button.
The traveller musters up a queasy smile and attempts a wave.
"You can take me, right here right now. You can do whatever you like to me, baby." She gestures towards a door at the end of the corridor. "Or," she whispers, "you can carry on to success."
Now trembling uncontrollably, the traveller ignores the visceral scream inside urging him to stay with this goddess, and manages a mumbled apology, avoiding eye contact and somehow making it to the door despite being partially blinded by the cold beads of sweat now streaming down his brow.
Into the next room he goes, and the next, and the next. Each room more palatial, each girl defying all possible expectations of beauty, each girl offering themselves, each girl offering him to carry on to success.
Each time, the traveller promises himself to stop at the next room, but now he is positively broken, spellbound at the possibilities of what may greet him should he continue.
"Carry on to success," he breathes. It has become his mantra.
With a deep breath, he stumbles through a door and gasps as it slams shut behind him. He surveys his surroundings and cannot help but be perplexed when he sees the yellowing walls, the flickering fluorescent bulb hanging above his head at a lopsided angle.
His investigation is interrupted by a phlegmy cough and he turns around.
Standing in front of him is a beast of a man, wearing nothing but a greasy cloth, and the rug of hair adorning everywhere but his scalp.
Reeling at the stench that permeates his nostrils, he coughs, "what the fuck is this?"
The man puts a finger on the traveller's mouth, and with the other hand, strokes his cheek. "Shhhh, baby, it's okay, it's okay." A toothy grin follows and he pushes the traveller on to the filthy mattress in the centre of the cell. "I'm Cess."
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Funny Tmacc.
-
Bad jokes from the Prairie Home Companion movie as told by Woody Harrelson and John C Reilly -
The blind man's seeing eye dog
pissed on the blind man's shoe
The blind man said, "Here Rover,
Here's a piece of beef for you."
His wife said, "Don't reward him.
You can't just let that pass."
The blind man said,
"I gotta find his mouth,
so I can kick him in the ass."
When God created woman,
He gave her not two breasts but three.
When the middle one got in the way
God performed surgery.
Woman stood before God,
With middle breast in hand.
Said "What do we do,
With the useless boob?"
And God created man.
Gramps turned 80 the other day,
And everybody was there.
And he was dressed up in a brand new suit,
Sitting in his big lawn chair.
When a beautiful young naked woman,
Stood up in front of the group.
She offered gramps some super sex ,
And he said, "I'll take the soup!"
Ole went to the neighborhood dance,
And he won the big door prize.
Was a toilet brush,
And he took it home.
And the next week one of the guys,
Said, "Ole, how's that toilet brush,
The one you won from the neighbors?"
Ole said, "Oh, it works pretty good,
But I prefer toilet paper."
The farmer had a champion bull,
Bred 200 times a year.
The farmer's wife said, "200 times!
Isn't that wonderful dear?
Maybe you oughta watch 'em
Maybe he'll show you how."
The farmer said, "He's a heck of a bull,
But it wasn't all with same cow."
Come on now.
You hear about the viagra shipment that got stolen?
No, who they think did it?
Well they don't know,
But they're on the lookout for hardened criminals.
Sven said to his friend,
"O, I think my wife died."
His friend said, "O, what do ya mean you think?"
"Well, the sex is still the same,
But the dishes are stacking up."
What do you get when you cross
Holy water with castor oil?
I don't know Lefty.
What do you get?
A religious movement.
What did the elephant
say to the naked man?
What'd he say?
"It's cute, but can you really breath
through that thing?"
-
(https://i.imgur.com/Fk5wTeW.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/2JBvLef.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/58Q8YSo.jpg)
Posted while having first cup of coffee. :D
-
(https://i.imgur.com/58Q8YSo.jpg)
Posted while having first cup of coffee. :D
Reading while having my first. My mug holds four cups, but it's still my first of the day.
-
Reading while having my first. My mug holds four cups, but it's still my first of the day.
Four cups? That is not a mug, That is pitcher. 8) 8)
-
A couple get back home after the husband's visit to the doctor. The guy sits down in his chair, pulls out his man thing and starts jacking off.
His wife, shocked, be asks what do you think you're doing? Without missing a beat, he calmly says, "The doctor said I can touch myself anytime."
"No you idiot, says the wife, "He said you could have a stroke anytime."
-
(https://i.imgur.com/XFjUiWi.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/Dozu2nA.jpg)
-
Make sure you have proper rations boys and girls.
After a rainy night, Johnny was on his way to school, when he noticed two older girls in front of him laughing and giggling. He never seen them before and decided to go talk to them. When he approached, they stopped and turned to face them.
“Hello" he said, “my names Johnny, what’s yours?”
The girls just stared at him.
“Are you knew here?” He asked in the awkward silence.
Again they just stared.
“Umm,” he paused starting to feel a bit uncomfortable, “whatcha laughing at?”
The two girls finally smiled and glanced at each other, then back and Johnny, “pur…pas… “
They had whispered it together and Johnny couldn’t hear what they said, so he stepped closer and asked again, “what? Didn’t hear you".
“Purple Passion,” they yelled together and then grabbed, him dragged him into a nearby yard, and threw him in a mud puddle before running off laughing.
Johnny, completely confused by what just happened, got up, looked at himself, and deciding he was too far from home and school was about to start, that he would just go to school covered in mud. He tried his best to shake mud off his arms, and legs, but no matter what he did, he was filthy with mud.
When he got to school and to his classroom, he walked through the door just in time for the teacher to start taking attendance. She turned and looking at Johnny with wide eyes asked him, “what happened to you?”
Johnny replied, “I was on my way to school, and there was these two girls in front of me talking and laughing, I asked them what they were laughing about and they told me and then threw me in a mud puddle.”
The teacher said, “oh my, what were they laughing about?”
Johnny said “purple passion.”
The teacher cursed, slapped johnny, pushed him out of the classroom, and told him to go see the principal. being confused he walked to the principles office and knocked. The principle told him to come in and when he saw Johnny all muddy, he leaned in and asked, "what happened?"
Johnny replied, " I was on my way to school when there were these two girls in front of me talking and laughing. I asked them what they were laughing at. They told me and threw me in the mud. My teacher asked what happened, and when I told her, she slapped me and sent me to the principal."
The principle shocked, asked what the girls were talking about.
Johnny replied, “Purple Passion.”
The principal launched from his chair and over his desk. He grabbed Johnny by his hair and dragging him from where he sat. The principal dragged johnny from the office and out to the hall. He continued to drag a kicking and screaming johnny down the hall through the front doors, down the concrete steps and tossed johnny to the pavement.
“You get out of here now, you are expelled from this school!" The principal screamed at Johnny before turning and going back inside.
Johnny got up and ran home crying and screaming from the abuse of being thrown down. He got home and ran inside. His mother concerned ran up to him asking, “why are you home? What happened"?
Johnny replied, “I was on my way to school when there were these two girls in front of me talking and laughing. I asked them what they were laughing at. They told me and threw me in the mud. My teacher asked what happened, and when I told her, she slapped me and sent me to the principle. When I got there the principal asked me what happened I told him and he dragged me out of school by my hair and expelled me."
His mother was shocked and visibly shaken by what she heard. She moved closer to comfort her son and asked, “what were the two girls talking about”?
Johnny looked at his mother with tears on his eyes, and said, “Purple passion".
Without looking Johnny’s mother snatched a broom from where it leaned against a nearby wall. Like a samurai warrior she began swinging it and smacking Johnny across the arms and legs with the handle. His mother screaming at the top of her lung how disgusted she was with him. Johnny screamed in pain at every hit and scrambled for the stairs. He got up the flight with his mother quick on his heels still swinging. He heard the handle crack with one final swing before he made it to his room and closed the door.
“You stay in there you little shit,” his mother screamed from the other side, “wait till your dad gets home,”
Johnny sat in his bedroom nursing his wounds as best he could. Sobbing like crazy he had a difficult time catching his breath. He sat there for hours watching the bruises form on his arms. Suddenly he heard a car pull into the driveway and the door close. He listened as his dad came into the house and talked with Johnny’s mother. He could hear the rushed panicked and anger in his mother’s voice, but really couldn’t hear with she was saying. He got up and leaned his head against the door just in time to hear his mother yell, “go ask him".
Johnny jumped back onto his bed as best he could before the door to his room slowly opened. His dad walked in looking concerned as he scanned Johnny’s bruises. “wow, son, she really did a number on you. What happened to make her go crazy like this”?
Johnny replied, “I was on my way to school when there were these two girls in front of me talking and laughing. I asked them what they were laughing at. They told me and threw me in the mud. My teacher asked what happened, and when I told her, she slapped me and sent me to the principle. When I got there the principal asked me what happened I told him and he dragged me out of school by my hair and expelled me. When I got home, my mom asked what happened I told her and she hit me with a broom handle and sent me to my room.”
Johnny’s dad was astonished by the story, and asked, “well, what were the girls talking about?”
Johnny said, “purple passion.”
Johnny’s dad calmly took his son by the should and with one hand, punched him square in the face. Johnny’s head rocked back with a scream and as he looked back at his dad, he was hit in the face one more time. Johnny was hardly even aware that his dad was dragging him to his bedroom window. With one easy toss, johnny went crashing through the glass, tumbled over the porch roof and rolled off crashing into the bushes below.
Johnny slowly crawled out of the bushes and tried to get his bearings. He slowly tried to get to his feet and stumbled a few. Times. He was barely aware of his dad yelling curses at him and trying to hit him with items from his bedroom his dad was grabbing and throwing.
Johnny started half running half stumbling down the street. He heard the police siren before he saw the. He stopped trying to walk and just waited for the police to get to him. Johnny crying and bleeding was just hoping for some help and it looked like he would finally get it. Johnny felt hands grab his shoulders and support him. With his head fuzzy, the mumbling he heard slowly turned to words he could understand.
The police officer held him steady and was talking with gentle words. “my goodness young man, you look terribly hurt. What on earth happened to you”?
Johnny replied, “I was on my way to school when there were these two girls in front of me talking and laughing. I asked them what they were laughing at. They told me and threw me in the mud. My teacher asked what happened, and when I told her, she slapped me and sent me to the principle. When I got there the principal asked me what happened I told him and he dragged me out of school by my hair and expelled me. When I got home, my mom asked what happened I told her and she hit me with a broom handle and sent me to my room. When my dad asked what happened he punched me in the face and threw me out of the window.”
The cop, visible shook, with what he heard. His face red with anger as he stood and looked around to see if he could find Johnny’s parents. He looked down back the way johnny had been walking from. He asked johnny if that the way to his house and after Johnny said yes, the officer walked johnny to his car so he could sit down. “by the way, what were the girls talking about?”
Johnny said, “purple passion.”
With pausing in his steps, the cop drew his police baton from its ring and began swinging. The wooden weapon struck johnny in nearly the same spots as the broom handle. The cop was screaming at Johnny with each swing and strike. The cop hit johnny so hard in the thigh the baton cracked. Tossing the broken baton to the ground, the cop grabbed Johnny and slammed him to the ground, and put hand cuffs on him. Jerking him hard off the ground Johnny screamed in pain as his arm was nearly dislocated. The cop slammed johnny into his car before opening the back door and tossing him inside. He drove straight to the jail and locked Johnny up without another word.
The next morning Johnny was pulled from his cell and brought to the courthouse. He had no idea why he was there, he did nothing wrong. He was the victim of multiple abuses, including the police officer. Why did he need to see a judge?
Johnny stood in front of a older gentleman with a ready smile and a polite tone. The judge looked over some papers with some confusion and glance at Johnny from time to time. Finally pushing the pages aside the judge leaned forward to Johnny and said, “ok young man, why don’t you just tell me what happened in your own words.”
Johnny replied, “I was on my way to school when there were these two girls in front of me talking and laughing. I asked them what they were laughing at. They told me and threw me in the mud. My teacher asked what happened, and when I told her, she slapped me and sent me to the principle. When I got there the principal asked me what happened I told him and he dragged me out of school by my hair and expelled me. When I got home, my mom asked what happened I told her and she hit me with a broom handle and sent me to my room. When my dad asked what happened he punched me in the face and threw me out of the window. When a cop stopped me and asked what happened, he beat me with his baton and locked me up.”
The judge looking shocked and bewildered on why Johnny was even in the courthouse leaned in closer and asked, “what were the girls talking about?”
Johnny said, “purple passion"
The judge stood from his seat and grabbed his gavel. With all the strength he had, he threw his gavel at Johnny. It streaked across the short distance in record time , and crashed right into Johnny face. A loud crack echoed in the court room as both, the gavel and Johnny’s nose, broke. The judge sputtered inaudible words as Johnny rolled on the floor in pain. Finally johnny heard the words prison and he was violently dragged off by the bailiff, and passed out.
Johnny woke up some time later handcuffed to a chair in a rather nice office. To his left and right were two armed guards. Sitting behind a desk in front of him was a stone faced woman who looked through more papers. She looked up at Johnny when she noticed him stirring in his seat. She pushed the papers to the side and waited for a few minutes before she spoke.
“So here I am, the warden of this state prison, and wondering why I have a kid sitting beaten and broken before me. The papers I have say nothing of a crime, nor does it say why or how long, you should be here,” she leaned over her desk looking johnny in the eyes, “mind telling me what happened?”
Johnny replied, “I was on my way to school when there were these two girls in front of me talking and laughing. I asked them what they were laughing at. They told me and threw me in the mud. My teacher asked what happened, and when I told her, she slapped me and sent me to the principle. When I got there the principal asked me what happened I told him and he dragged me out of school by my hair and expelled me. When I got home, my mom asked what happened I told her and she hit me with a broom handle and sent me to my room. When my dad asked what happened he punched me in the face and threw me out of the window. When a cop stopped me and asked what happened, he beat me with his baton and locked me up. When the judge asked me what happened he hit me with his gavel and sent me to prison.”
The warden took everything in stride and with her hands folded calmly in front if her asked, “and what were the girls talking about?”
Johnny said, “purple passion.”
With no expressing or any sign of emotion the warden lifted one hand and snapped her fingers. The guards to Johnny’s sides charged forwards with batons drawn and once again johnny found himself being beaten to hell. He heard one of the sticks break and noticed the guard didn’t miss a beat and began swinging fists. He punched anywhere he could as the other continued to swing his baton. Johnny was starting to black out when he heard the words, “solitary confinement.”
Johnny woke up some time later in a small dark room. The only light was from the small crack beneath his cell door and a little yellow light built into the cold concrete wall. He had no clue what time it was or weather or not is was even day or night. Time passed when finally he heard noises. Footsteps approached and then stopped in front of his door. A metal shutter on the door slide open and a small tray was pushed inside. The tray crashed to the floor and the contents spilled everywhere. Johnny saw that bit was a small plastic bag containing some water, and what looked like a moldy sandwich.
Time and time again he had no intera6with anybody except for the food tray coming and going. Every time it was the same thing. Bag of water and an expired sandwich. Johnny had no idea how long he had been there, but to him it wan an eternity. He had been there so long he had begun growing facial hair. Definitely years. One day the footsteps stopped in front of his cell, but instead of the same tray of water and moldy sandwich, the door was unlocked and opened. The man in the doorway motioned for johnny to follow, and johnny did without complaint. He was so happy to get out of that dark room. Bas he walked the prison hall behind this man, he caught a glimpse of a reflection. Johnny had been locked up far longer than he had thought. Johnny was no longer this boy, but he had grown up.
Johnny was led to a small conference room where a small group of people sat behind a single table. They looked him up and down and rifled through some papers. Finally the woman in the center seat looked up and said, “eight years you’ve been locked in solitary confinement and not let out for anything, this type of treatment is not heard of and we can not figure out why you’re even in prison let alone locked up like that. What in the world happened?”
Johnny replied, “I was on my way to school when there were these two girls in front of me talking and laughing. I asked them what they were laughing at. They told me and threw me in the mud. My teacher asked what happened, and when I told her, she slapped me and sent me to the principle. When I got there the principal asked me what happened I told him and he dragged me out of school by my hair and expelled me. When I got home, my mom asked what happened I told her and she hit me with a broom handle and sent me to my room. When my dad asked what happened he punched me in the face and threw me out of the window. When a cop stopped me and asked what happened, he beat me with his baton and locked me up. When the judge asked me what happened he hit me with his gavel and sent me to prison. When the warden asked me what happened, he had his guards beat me and lock me in solitary confinement.”
The people all looked at each other before the lady in the middle asked, “what were the girls talking about?”
“I just don’t remember anymore.” Johnny lied.
After a few minutes of chatting amongst themselves, the woman in the middle told johnny he was free to go. They granted him new clothes and a $100. To help him on his way. They explained that was the best they could do.
Johnny left prison and roamed the streets. He bought a good sandwich and was even able to convince somebody to buy him some alcohol. He was just released from prison, so who cared about rules, he had nothing, absolutely nothing. He didn’t even care if he ended up back in prison. He walked the steers into the late evening and when it started getting dark, he started to look for a place to rest.
He walked passed the opening to an alley when her head a woman ask, “looking for a good time?”
Johnny being a virgin and having no interaction with a working girl before had no idea what she was talking about, so he said, “please just leave me be.”
“Awe, come on honey, I’ll make it worth it, I promise,” she said and walked up next to him, “you wont regret it.”
Johnny a little confused said ,”regret what? What are you talking about?”
The working girl dropped her head back and laughed. When she looked back at Johnny she realized that he really had no clue what she was talking about. So she explained what she meant.
“Oh, I’ve never done that,” Johnny said to her, “I’m still a virgin, and I don’t have money to pay you like said.”
“Oh, really?” she said with a little surprise in her voice, “how could you possibly still be a virgin, and why no money?”
Johnny said, “I just got out of prison.”
“Oh my gosh,” said the working girl, “what happened. “
Johnny replied, “I was on my way to school when there were these two girls in front of me talking and laughing. I asked them what they were laughing at. They told me and threw me in the mud. My teacher asked what happened, and when I told her, she slapped me and sent me to the principle. When I got there the principal asked me what happened I told him and he dragged me out of school by my hair and expelled me. When I got home, my mom asked what happened I told her and she hit me with a broom handle and sent me to my room. When my dad asked what happened he punched me in the face and threw me out of the window. When a cop stopped me and asked what happened, he beat me with his baton and locked me up. When the judge asked me what happened he hit me with his gavel and sent me to prison. When the warden asked me what happened, he had his guards beat me and lock me in solitary confinement. I just got out now and trying to start over. Please leave me be.”
“Well that was one hell of a story sugar,” she said before finally asking the question he feard, “what were the girls talking about?”
Johnny looked at her and decided since he had nothing onto lose, and didn’t even care to be alive, he said, “purple passion.”
Johnny closed his eyes and waited for the assault. Stood eyes closed anticipating the beating that was surely to begin any moment. Maybe she was going to stab him to death. Maybe she would just shoot him and get it over with quickly. When nothing happened, he opened one eye and looked at her. She stood with her arms folded waiting for more. When he said nothing else she dropped her arms and said, “is that all?”
Johnny was suddenly filled with a happy feeling. Finally he found one other normal person. Finally he met somebody who wasn’t a total psycho. He was thrilled.
“Oh my god, yeah, that’s it. This thing has ruined my life and nearly killed me,” johnny said with relief, “do you know what purple passion even is?”
“well of course I do silly.”
“Please tell me, I need to know what purple passion is right away. It has destroyed me and I need to find out what it is so I can die in peace,” johnny said filled with excitement.
“It isn’t something that can be explained, you have to go see it for yourself,” she told him.
“Do you know where I can see this purple passion?” johnny asked, enjoying that he can say purple passion without nearly getting killed.
“Of course dear,” she took a pen out of her small bag and grabbed Johnny’s hand. She began writing directions and explain what he needs to do. “You need to go to this intersection at exactly 10:00 pm, and stand on the south corner, look up at the largest building across from you. Top floor third window to the left. There you will see what your looking for.”
Johnny was so excited and happy he gave the working girl a $20 and asked the time. When she said 9:00 pm he new he had to get going. He followed her directions and eventually found himself on the right street. He looked into an office building and saw the time was 9:58 pm, and he was almost there. He began sprinting to the intersection and found that he was on the north corner, so he sprinted across the street and was struck my a bus and killed on impact.
Moral of the story is look both ways before crossing the street.
:emot_kiss:
(https://i.postimg.cc/vHHfTx9Y/Arid-Welloff-Aoudad-max-1mb.gif)
-
That is just truly awful... :facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm:
-
That is just truly awful... :facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm:
You loved it, and you're going to retell it :emot_kiss:
-
Maybe the problem is it's too long for Toe to memorize, so he can't retell it.
-
That is just truly awful... :facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm:
I know, right! I posted in made my day that I loved it, so that others might read it and I wasn't the only one that had to suffer. hahaha
And my PM to Shiela moments after reading it...
OMFG!
***punch line deleted, don't want to be the spoiler***
THAT WAS IT?
I just spent 5 minutes reading that damn thing. People are going to hate you. hahaha
Every time I think of it I start laughing though, so it worked.
-
That is just truly awful... :facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm:
You loved it, and you're going to retell it :emot_kiss:
I didn’t know you named it purple passion. It fits nicely.
-
It fits nicely.
(https://i.postimg.cc/4NGKFMDr/farp-small-wall-texture-product-750x1000-u3.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/llUd6Rn.jpg)
-
Shielas extended story:
I referred to this as a shaggy dog story. They were popular pre internet and took second place to "groaner" under puns.
As the KB elder, maybe there's many of you who don't know what a shaggy dog story is. So......
In its original sense, a shaggy dog story or yarn is an extremely long-winded anecdote characterized by extensive narration of typically irrelevant incidents and terminated by an anticlimax. Shaggy dog stories play upon the audience's preconceptions of joke-telling.
I think young Shiela may be getting these from her dad, or not. I love 'em. (groannnnn)
-
The Butcher Story
One day a dog walked into a butcher's shop just before closing with an envelope in its mouth. The butcher took the envelope and found that it contained a request for a leg of ham, along with the proper amount of money. The butcher was more than a little surprised and confused but got the dog his order. The dog took the leg in its mouth and headed out the door. The butcher decided to follow the dog since it was almost closing time and he was unlikely to get any more customers. The dog headed down the street for a bit before stopping at a bus stop, he seemed to look at the time table for a moment and then sat down next to a bench. Several busses came and went and the dog did not move. Eventually a bus came to the stop and the dog looked at it number and got on. The butcher, now thoroughly perplexed, followed the dog onto the bus and noticed that the dog had a bus pass on his collar. The dog put the leg of ham down then expertly took the pass in his mouth, stood up on his hind legs, and scanned the pass, then picking back up the ham before walking to an empty seat. The butcher also got on the bus, paying a one time fee, and headed back to sit across from the dog. They rode for some time before eventually coming to a neighborhood and getting off at a curbside. The dog walked up the street before coming to a house and heading up the drive. Then to the butcher's surprise, the dog did the strangest thing, he set down the ham and ran full force into the door. He did this several more times until a man came out and started yelling at the dog, calling him useless and stupid. The butcher ran up to the man and said "Sir! Why are you calling this dog stupid? He is clearly a genius." "Not so." replied the man, "This is the third time this week he forgot his keys."
-
It fits nicely.
(https://i.postimg.cc/4NGKFMDr/farp-small-wall-texture-product-750x1000-u3.jpg)
I knew you’d get that.
-
That sure was a lot of typing. Almost a short story, or as our resident senior pervert mentioned, a shaggy story. ;D ;D
-
That sure was a lot of typing. Almost a short story, or as our resident senior pervert mentioned, a shaggy story. ;D ;D
Updated the directory with my "short stories" :emot_laughing:
They are my dad's favorite jokes. The clown one is his number one. He gets so excited when he gets to tell people who havent heard them yet. Giddy like a big kid, believe it or not, the way he acts is sunnier than the jokes.
He does have two more, one with a ghost, and one with a train. They're not as fun, and they don't have the great punchlines. :emot_laughing:
-
I was tempted to bestow your second boo, but then I started to laugh.
-
Friends
Two friends were sitting at the bar having a beer. One of them turns to his friend and says "Look at those two old guys at the end of the bar getting drunk! That could be use some day." His buddy learns forward and looks down the bar and then says "You frickin' dumbass, that's a mirror!"
-
After those two friends got completely drunk, they both left for home. One of them got home super late and when he was walking to his door, threw up all over himself. He knew his wife would be super angry so he came up with a great plan. He walked into his house and his wife was there to meet him at the door arms folded.
"Where have you been? you were supposed to be home two hours ago." She squaked at him
"You'll never believe it," he stuttered, trying to act sober, "me and my friend were on our way home, when we saw this drunk guy stumbling around in the street. We decided to help him get home, and on the way he threw up all over me. He felt so bad he paid me $20."
He fished the money out of his pocket and handed it to his wife. She took the money and inspect it before waving a second $20 in front of his face. "Ok, then how do you explain this second $20"?
"Ah, that must be from the guy who crapped in my pants."
-
Are you piggybacking on Jakester's joke? KB's first comedy duo. Cool. 8)
-
After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation
announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is:
Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.
-
Corona Virus
Are my testicles black?

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."...
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
-
(https://i.imgur.com/buWlHSA.jpg)
-
Dear 2020:
Wrong hole!
Sincerely,
Everyone
-
(https://i.imgur.com/Wgl1u3K.jpg)
-
Yeah...this will be me!
(https://i.imgur.com/1aI56mN.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/gEOSFGj.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/sVlkbix.jpg)
-
When I was young, I thought I might like to be a doctor. I took an aptitude test to see if I had the mental acuity to do well in that particular endeavor.
The first question: Rearrange the letters below to spell out the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
P N E I S
Those who answered SPINE went on to become doctors and make butt-loads of money.
The rest of us spend our time browsing the forums here on Kristen's Board. :roll:
-
Loved it Purple. Starting the day with a LOL :emot_laughing:
-
When I was young, I thought I might like to be a doctor. I took an aptitude test to see if I had the mental acuity to do well in that particular endeavor.
The first question: Rearrange the letters below to spell out the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
P N E I S
Those who answered SPINE went on to become doctors and make butt-loads of money.
The rest of us spend our time browsing the forums here on Kristen's Board. :roll:
I remember putting a similar challenge on Facebook. I just asked them to rearrange the letters, no other context. Oh boy, did everyone have fun not giving that answer explicitly!
-
My kids have started referring to me as the Sofa King. I thought this was because I was spending too much time spread out on the sofa watching TV during lockdown and not getting enough exercise. Took me a while to realise they meant sofa king old.
........ I'll get my coat (if I have the energy)
-
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother, who suggested that she take her $10 'pay' to the bank and start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come to earn her very own paycheck at such a young age.
"I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us," the little girl proudly replied.
"Oh my goodness," said the teller. "Will you be working on the house again this week too?"
The little girl answered, "I will, if those assholes at [store name] ever deliver the fucking sheet rock."
-
Great joke purpleshoes. A woo for you.
-
Loved it. In my head, the [store name] became Menards for very very obvious and childish reasons :emot_laughing:
-
woo
-
Great joke purpleshoes. A woo for you.
Loved it. In my head, the [store name] became Menards for very very obvious and childish reasons :emot_laughing:
woo
Everybody needs to cool it. All the praise will go to his head and next thing you know he's going to be telling joke after joke. He got lucky with one. One out of many. PS isn't all that funny.
Purple,
:-*
Love, MJ :)
-
Well dang...I was just going to join in but the sheriff said....
:facepalm:
-
Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball??
A: [Insert gagging sounds here]
-
Everybody needs to cool it. All the praise will go to his head and next thing you know he's going to be telling joke after joke. He got lucky with one. One out of many. PS isn't all that funny.
:emot_laughing: You sound just like my wife. :emot_kiss:
-
Too fat. Can't see my junk when I look down...
The doctor said that I need to dye it...
I said why? What color is it now? :emot_weird:
****moderator note: Moved to Joke Of The Day topic. Was in Sexual Problems.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/951jNOV.png)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/0HKvCn4.jpg)
-
"The Husband's 1, 2, 3."
A husband was given a gift certificate from his wife for a consultation with an American Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only one teaspoonful, and then say, 1-2-3. When you do this, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian medicine man and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from aking me hard?"
"Your partner must say, '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, then took a spoonful of the medicine. Then he invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he becamme the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, aking, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
"@#$%$#!"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
-
Well done Mr Webber
(https://media0.giphy.com/media/fnK0jeA8vIh2QLq3IZ/giphy.gif)
-
This is the thing concerning which I frequently speak.
Bravo!
-
Yay and Woo! :emot_laughing:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/wMz7Zn3.png)
-
A woman wakes up in a hospital bed, confused on how she got there. When the doctor came into the room, she told the woman that she was found on the side of the road and that her heart had gone under a lot of stress. She then asked the woman if she remembered anything.
"I remember getting ready to go for a run this morning and my husband asked me to stay home instead." Said woman.
The doctor then asked, "why did he want you to stay home?"
"He said that running 5 miles burns just as many calories as making love," said the woman
"Well that doesn't explain how you ended up on the side of the road like that," said the doctor.
The woman replied, "well I wanted to see if he was right so I tried running 5 miles in 30 seconds."
-
In Ireland, the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying.
The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas,
she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips.
The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader..
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."
She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:
"DON'T SELL THAT COW.
-
:emot_laughing:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/0VUkKwR.gif)
(https://i.imgur.com/Qv5FKls.gif)
(https://i.imgur.com/a3h92bo.gif)
(https://i.imgur.com/l1Pwux8.gif)
(https://i.imgur.com/MKShAHn.gif)
-
:emot_laughing:
-
Hate it when I'm singing along and the artist gets the lyrics wrong.
-
Hate it when I'm singing along and the artist gets the lyrics wrong.
hahaha Yup.
Luckily I only sing in my head and I'm the only one that knows the artist screwed up.
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/rp3Mz3Mj/Evhh-tf-WYAAT4-Hh-jpeg.jpg)
-
Funny!
-
(https://i.imgur.com/2MwcDys.jpg)
-
Nope not a fan, shame shame Obi
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/FzVn4Ch0/cc2da0764293f5e4219c86a947d9d895.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/rz9GsD3.jpg)
-
Everyone knows Disney's The Little Mermaid. It's a favourite of many (although I've never seen it; I have heard said that the themes are a bit on-the-nose in the modern day and age). However, what escapes the notice of many was the poster art and VHS cover art for the film, which were drawn in great haste, apparently. (Contrary to popular rumour, he was in pretty good stead with Disney.) As it turned out, one of the erections on the palace in both the poster and the cover was unusually phallic.
(https://qph.fs.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-574dfcfb56d4ae94776e51b6d34dd163)
Image from Quora
Now, this originally escaped the purview of many a cinephile until someone complained about it. Then it hit talkback radio. Eventually they did remove the spire in question from future rereleases, as keeping it in after being brought to their attention would be a major cock-up.
(Yes, that is the joke. An informative one, but a joke nonetheless.)
-
Larry The Cable Guy:
"America is the fattiest country in the world. Two-thirds of all Americans are overweight or obese.
"I think they ate the other third."
-
During a visit to a homewares shop, my wife and I find letter pillows on sale.
Wife: [picks up D] I like the D.
Me: [picks up a P] I like the P.
[beat]
Me: That is not what I meant.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/t7yadjV.jpg)
-
What made my day-a joke I read.
Man comes home and finds note on his fridge from his wife. Note: This isn't working for me anymore. I'm going to my mom's.
Man:"I opened the fridge and found the beer cold. Don't know what she's talking about."
-
Something reminded me of this one today
"Hurt me! Hurt me!" begged the masochist...
...and the Sadist replied "No".
-
Something reminded me of this one today
"Hurt me! Hurt me!" begged the masochist...
...and the Sadist replied "No".
Watcher wonders what made DurtyDurtyGurl think of the joke. 8)
-
In England, when you turn 100 you get a card from the Queen.
When you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.
Got my wife a "Get Better soon" card.
She isn't sick, I just think she can get better.
-
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus.
I thought to myself, "Wow! That could have been me!"
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus
-
I told my brother, "My wife ran off with my best friend Joe yesterday."
My brother looked at me funny for a minute then asked, "Since when is Joe your best friend?"
I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."
-
I recently got a job as a bartender at a strip club...
I've never worked so hard in my life.
-
Guys, if your marriage fails don't just blame her.
It takes 2 people to make a toxic relationship.
Blame her and her mother.
-
After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years...
But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
-
Ba da Boom.
-
These are right out of the Henny Youngman joke book. Google that if you were born after 1960.
-
I'm so narcissistic that during sex I call out my own name.
-
:emot_laughing:
-
What did one Catholic Priest say to the other Priests?
Let us PREY
-
I'm so narcissistic that during sex I call out my own name.
Isn't that we call masturbation? ;D ;D
-
Score another one for the big bird. :emot_laughing:
-
I don't believe in hitting my children as a punishment...
So I send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead.
-
I don't believe in hitting my children as a punishment...
So I send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead.
Hey! I wear Crocs. Love them. Easy on, easy off. Get them wet, no biggy. I HATE flip flops. Can't stand anything between my toes.
-
A stock market crash is worse than a divorce...
You lose half your money, and your wife is still around.
-
The Lone Ranger is surrounded and captured by an indian tribe. The chief says: "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In three day days I will execute you, but first I will grant you three wishes."
The Lone Ranger says:"I would like to speak with my horse."
His wish is granted and the Lone Ranger whispers in Silver's ear. The horse gallops off. Hours later, Silver returns with a stunning blonde woman that goes into the Lone Ranger's teepee.
The next morning the chief says, "In two days I will kill you. What is your second wish?"
"I would like to speak to my horse."
Silver is brought to him and the Lone Ranger whispers in his ear. Again, the horse gallops off. This time, Silver returns with a brunette, even more stunning than the blonde. She spends the night with the Lone Ranger.
The next morning the chief says, "Tomorrow I will kill you. What is your final wish?"
The Lone Ranger says:"I would like to speak to my horse, alone."
Silver is brought to him and once they are alone, the Lone Ranger says:"For the last time, bring POSSE!!"
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
A priest is driving down the road when he sees a nun sitting at a bus stop. The priest pulls over and offers the nun a ride. She accepts and gets in the car. As he takes one curve the nun shifts her position, her habit rides up and the priest views her leg. It is so lovely that he nearly loses control of the car.
A little ways further, the priest shifts gears and lets his hand move to her knee, then begins to slide up her leg. The nun says:"Father, remember psalm 129." The priest removes his hand from her leg and apologizes. A little ways further down the road, the priest once again shifts gears and lets his hand move her leg. Once again the nun says "Father, remember psalm 129." The priest removes his hand, apologizes and adds, "The flesh is weak."
Finally, they reach the nun's destination and she leaves. The priest returns to his rectory and takes out his bible, flipping to psalm 129, reading out loud:"Go forth and seek. Further up you will find glory."
The moral of the story is always be well informed or you might miss an opportunity.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/MxQAhu7.jpg)
-
Here's what I've learned about how to give a pill to a cat.
http://imgur.com/gallery/UBnTsur
Comes too close to being true to be funny...unless you have a dog. Go ahead and laugh. :facepalm:
-
Here's what I've learned about how to give a pill to a cat.
http://imgur.com/gallery/UBnTsur
Comes too close to being true to be funny...unless you have a dog. Go ahead and laugh. :facepalm:
There’s a plastic gizmo I got from my vet that allows you to release the pill in the back of the cat’s throat. At that point they got no choice but to swallow. Saves your fingers from getting bit too.
Maybe shiela is familiar with it?
There’s a version of that for girls too. Except it’s not made of plastic, but the release in the back of the throat and forced to swallow is the same.
-
Vet tech showed me a good way. I was trying to do it like I did with my sled dogs ages ago. Big mouths... easier target. :D
What's a few bites between friends. :emot_laughing:
-
This happened in February.........
So, two Texans get sent to hell. The devil goes to visit them and finds just as happy as can be.
"What are you two so happy about?" he asks.
The Texans explain that it's been damn cold where they've been and they are enjoying the temperature. Satan gets angry, marches off to the furnace room and orders Hitler to turn up the temperature. Satan returns to the Texans and finds them having a barbecue. Satan then realizes that he's been doing this all wrong so he returns to the furnace room and orders Pol Pot to turn down the furnace all the way. The temperature in hell then becomes below zero. Satan then returns to the Texans and finds them rejoicing.
"What are you so happy about?" Satan roars.
The Texans explain:"Hell froze over. That meant that the Cowboys won the Super Bowl!!"
-
This happened in February.........
The Texans explain:"Hell froze over. That meant that the Cowboys won the Super Bowl!!"
Pretty fucking funny. And true.
-
This is an oldie but goodie....
A man is walking down a beach and trips on a lamp. He picks up the lamp and rubs it. A genie pops out. The genie tells the man that he will grant him three wishes. He wishes for a million dollars. Poof. Done. He wishes for a rare 1964 and a half Ford Mustang convertible. Poof Done. He then tells the genie that he wants a bridge to Hawaii because he hates to fly. The genie points out the all too numerous beyond difficult logistics and asks if the man desires something else. The man says:"I want to understand how women think."
The genie replies:"Do you want that bridge to be two or four lanes?"
-
This is an oldie but goodie....
A man is walking down a beach and trips on a lamp. He picks up the lamp and rubs it. A genie pops out. The genie tells the man that he will grant him three wishes. He wishes for a million dollars. Poof. Done. He wishes for a rare 1964 and a half Ford Mustang convertible. Poof Done. He then tells the genie that he wants a bridge to Hawaii because he hates to fly. The genie points out the all too numerous beyond difficult logistics and asks if the man desires something else. The man says:"I want to understand how women think."
The genie replies:"Do you want that bridge to be two or four lanes?"
(https://media1.tenor.com/images/d0fa65d61d95de578208591dd08632e9/tenor.gif?itemid=4276075)
:emot_kiss:
-
A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend:
'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'
'Mmm?'
'Not that many!'
-
The best thing about being older is that I did all my stupid shit before the internet existed. :emot_laughing:
How old am I? Old enough to remember when there was only one flavor of potato chips.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/l25TuZt.png)
-
The best thing about being older is that I did all my stupid shit before the internet existed. :emot_laughing:
How old am I? Old enough to remember when there was only one flavor of potato chips.
3200 Baud dial up modem, and it only took an hour to download a single porn image off the Usenet groups!
-
3200 Baud dial up modem, and it only took an hour to download a single porn image off the Usenet groups!
My first modem was 300 bits (not bytes) per second. And my first ISP limited me to 5 hours of connection time per month (and I swear half of that time was 'updating' their own graphics).
Of course, at one time I had only 3 TV channels to choose from. And I had to physically move to change channels or volume. Some things about the 'good old days' weren't all that good.
-
“It only takes 18 minutes per page...”
(https://i.imgur.com/sYIZXa4.mp4)
https://i.imgur.com/sYIZXa4.mp4 (https://i.imgur.com/sYIZXa4.mp4)
-
Dentist: This will probably hurt. Are you ready?
Patient: Yes
Dentist: I'm sleeping with your wife.
-
I got asked out by 15 different women today
Oops, wrong restroom...
-
A husband and wife were driving down a country road one afternoon having a heated discussion. They pass a farm and in the field was a group of jackasses.
The husband turns to his wife and says, "oh look, you're relatives."
She folds her arms, stares daggers at him, and replies, "yeah. my in-laws."
-
A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her sex life.
Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.
She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfill my wishes?"
He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with and no legs to run away."
Then she says, "And the sex life?"
He looks at her and says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
-
Sometimes words just aren't enough.
That's why we have middle fingers.
-
.
Never mind, took care of it myself
-
This Oscar Pistorius story is all a bit strange, isn't it? There must
definitely be more to it. He seemed so happy just the other day, he had
such a spring in his step...
His lawyer's got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like
Pistorius hasn't got a leg to stand on.
Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine's
Day he had to take her out.
Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished
responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.
Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he's a front
runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.
Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his
Valentine's Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.
New Valentine's Day card: "Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never creep
up On Oscar Pistorius."
Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one is
like taking a shot in the dark.
Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.
Otherwise, the Oscar goes to........................Jail !!
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely
acquits him of his girlfriend's murder................ Footprints!
She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the
limbs.
I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when he
gets released... Bam! President of South Africa. That's how it works over
there, right?
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able-bodied athletes,
who OJ Simpson?
Surely Oscar Pistorius isn't the first man to wake up legless during
Valentine's night, then shoot all over his partner whilst imagining she's
somebody else?
First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think
Nike should start telling their athletes " Just Don't Do It."
Hollywood are doing his life story; it's now going to be called Blade
Gunner.
If found guilty he's gonna have to take it on the shin.
And finally,
Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!
Just found this, it is funny. Woo
-
Oscar is going to be hopping mad when he sees your post, Staci 😱
Sorry 🤣🤣
-
That's okay...he doesn't have a leg to stand on..... :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
I knew Oscar was lying the moment he said he didn't notice his girlfriend when he got up.
I don't care if you do think someone is breaking into your house - as a guy I can safely say, you will always notice the naked lingerie-model lying next to you first. The burglars could be in the room with me, and I would still first check her out. ;D
-
Husband and wife along with their 4 year old boy were having dinner when the son suddenly spit his foot out.
The mother yelled at him, "We don't spit! If something goes in your mouth you swallow."
Dad raises an eyebrow.
Mom looks at dad and says, "Don't you say a word."
-
Guess mom was a spitter :emot_laughing:
-
A man walks into the library and approaches the librarian.
"Excuse me, but do you have the new book about small penises?"
"I don't think it's in yet."
"Yes, that's the one."
-
Husband and wife along with their 4 year old boy were having dinner when the son suddenly spit his foot out.
The mother yelled at him, "We don't spit! If something goes in your mouth you swallow."
Dad raises an eyebrow.
Mom looks at dad and says, "Don't you say a word."
Was it a pigs' trotter? I wouldn't fancy one of those even if some consider them a delicacy.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/tdUBZSD.jpg)
-
After many years of marriage my wife has finally agreed to let me shag her doggy fashion but on 2 conditions. The first is that I don't bark and the second is we do it on a street where nobody knows us.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/z4eiCy1.jpg)
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
So I was riding with my dad after an early dinner at a local super club, and we were passing a farm and he pointed out two cow running through a field. He tells me to watch and eventually all the cows will be running, which some had started before we were passed.
He then asked me, "do you know what made those first couple of cows run?"
Shrugging I asked "what?"
"Their legs."
:facepalm:
-
I laughed at that too hard
:facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm:
-
I laughed at that too hard
:facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm:
haha, me too.
Woo #595 for Lady Shiela. But it's really for her daddy. #dadjokes
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/R0B2zwMW/E4-WPl-Nm-WQAo4-Fd-Q-jpeg.jpg)
This pic should have been posted on the lesbian board.
;)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/m4jWQD0.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/AqXON52.jpg)
-
A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "_I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"_ No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…
Finally, one man says, "_Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m._" He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "_Okay_."
She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "_I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."_
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "_How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"_
The lady blushes, and grins. "_When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous_." she replies. "_I like to switch back and forth."_
"_When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed_." The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "_What if it's pointing straight up?"_
She says, "_Then, I'm fifteen minutes late_." 🤣🤣🤣
-
Guys if you're going to send me a dick pic, you don't have to use a food filter.
-
Guys if you're going to send me a dick pic, you don't have to use a food filter.
What, you didn't like the little shrimp I sent you? :'(
:emot_laughing:
-
Guys if you're going to send me a dick pic, you don't have to use a food filter.
Not sure what a food filter is, but mentioning food sounds like me?
-
Normal family breakfast:
Mom dad and little son:
Son sees Mom’s driver license:
Written on it : Sex F
Son : “, Mom, you’re so bad at Sex, you got an F!”
Dad died laughing.
-
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Because it'd look stupid with just 6 inches.
-
I met Mrs. Penrose in the town this morning and after exchanging greetings I asked if Mr. Penrose was well.
"Oh no!" she replied, "I'm afraid he died three weeks ago. He went into the garden to get a cabbage for our dinner and dropped dead right there in the cabbage patch."
"Oh my goodness", I said "What ever did you do?"
"I didn't know what to do at first," she said, "but after thinking about the situation I was in I decided to open a tin of peas."
-
Oldie but goldie
What do you call the useless piece of skin that hangs off a penis?
A man.
-
A Classic,
A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop.
-
A male worker bee dies after mating.
So basically, his life is...
Honey. Nut. Cheerio.
-
A male worker bee dies after mating.
So basically, his life is...
Honey. Nut. Cheerio.
I gave this a Woo. :D
-
(https://i.imgur.com/DwlWUj3.jpg)
-
🤣🤣🤣
-
(https://i.imgur.com/HK2P21d.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/HK2P21d.jpg)
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
-
Sometimes I talk to myself.
Then we both laugh and laugh. :D
-
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here.
Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation.............. She never got your email!" :roll: :roll:
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here.
Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation.............. She never got your email!" :roll: :roll:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/LR6kKOw.jpg)
-
A man sits at a bar, smiling.
The Bartender : What’s up?
The man : My ex wife still misses me.
The bartender : Do you miss her too?
The man : No, she got the only gun in the divorce.
-
Question: What animal should wear a wig?
Answer : A bald eagle.
-
A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills. The doctor asked, "Why only 3?"
The man said, "Well, Friday my secretary is coming over, Saturday my girlfriend is coming over, and Sunday, my wife is coming home form her vacation".
The doctor said, "That's more than I wanted to know, but here's your 3 pills".
A week later the doctor saw the man at the gas station, his arm in a cast and sling.
"What happened to you? Did the women all find out about one another?" the doctor asked. The man said "No... nobody showed up!"
-
Question : Why do they serve snails only at fancy restaurants ?
Answer : Because their customers don’t like fast food.
-
A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.
A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."
-
(https://i.imgur.com/WMkZ2DL.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/WPO0wGv.png)
-
Well...this takes me back to my to my youth. Now it's funny...back then a nightmare. ;D
How to unhook a bra https://imgur.com/gallery/sDRu9Y1
-
This is really more of a daily fact.
Studies show that men feel smarter, retain knowledge easier, and can remember things better right after sex... well of course they would, they were just plugged into a genius.
-
This is really more of a daily fact.
Studies show that men feel smarter, retain knowledge easier, and can remember things better right after sex... well of course they would, they were just plugged into a genius.
;D ;D ;D
-
(https://i.imgur.com/r0U18BA.jpg)
-
;D ;D
-
In an old-age home, an elderly man who is a resident sits alone on a bench. A female resident comes up to him and sits next to him and asks, "You look so sad. Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?"
The man says, "Well, yes. My wife died years ago and since then no one has touched my penis. It would be so nice if you could just hold it in your hand for a little while while we talk."
So the woman agrees and holds his penis as they talk. Thereafter, each day, the woman meets the man on the bench and holds his penis while they talk.
Then one day the woman sees another woman sitting next to the man holding his penis. The original woman is angry and walk up to the man and says "What's she got that I don't have?"
And the man looks up at her, smiles, and says:
"Parkinsons!"
-
(https://i.imgur.com/NZbhrk3.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/NZbhrk3.jpg)
I saw something else before I even looked at the text :evil:
-
Of course you did. Your user ID says it all. :emot_laughing:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/NZbhrk3.jpg)
I saw something else before I even looked at the text :evil:
You are not the only one ;D
-
(https://i.imgur.com/NZbhrk3.jpg)
I saw something else before I even looked at the text :evil:
"...and that's why we're friends."
-
(https://i.imgur.com/GBYQzEK.jpg)
-
If you walk into a bar full of military members in civilian clothes, how can you tell which ones are Marines?
They'll tell you.
-
And...once a Marine, always a Marine.
-
And...once a Marine, always a Marine.
I made sure to say "former" in my post just in case one read it. Wouldnt want to hurt his/her feelings :emot_laughing:
-
(https://avatars.mds.yandex.net/get-images-cbir/471761/HfVAkEf9QJXKBHypSemehg9817/ocr)
-
This is a good one too
-
When you are typing an erotic story, and you kind of get caught up in the heat of the moment,
-why are things more complicated when you are writing in a foreign language?
(https://i.imgur.com/4qevfM2.jpg)
You are holding a dictionary in your other hand
-
(https://i.imgur.com/tQ2Z135.jpg)
-
Somebody’s gonna get hammered ⚒️
⚒️⚒️ (Without any alcohol ➖🥃🍾)
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQXJZM-HYyhO-DDTLzgaWJrJboiZJh2kD4lBQ&usqp=CAU)
-
Monday morning. I was shaving. Jill informed me that I was a little late, but I couldn´t leave with a job half done. Finally Satisfied, I grabbed my briefcase and rushed for the door. “Gotta run honey” I shouted
“Oh. No, you don´t” came the reply. “I need to check the result.”
I stopped waiting for a finger on my cheek or maybe a kiss. It never came, so I turned around searching for her. The little minx was sitting on the kitchen table, legs spread and pants on the floor.
I got the message and dived in. Well. You can´t leave with a job……..so I took her to a quick climax before hurrying off.
I thought people acted a little strange in the subway. A couple of guys gave me dirty looks. I got some from women too, but they seemed a different kind of dirty. The same thing happened at work. I knew I was 15 minutes late, but that should not be the end of the world. Still. My boss approached looking as it was just that. Then he stopped, four or five feet from me, looked at me a little, and turned around with a “Never mind”
Still getting the same weird reactions I isolated myself as much as possible in my office for a couple of hours. Then there was a knock on the door and in came Patricia, a 23-year-old hottie that had most of the company’s men, and quite a few women lusting for her. She locked the door behind her and came really close.
“Would you like to freshen up your aftershave?” she asked.
Oh………… :facepalm:
-
Monday morning. I was shaving. Jill informed me that I was a little late, but I couldn´t leave with a job half done. Finally Satisfied, I grabbed my briefcase and rushed for the door. “Gotta run honey” I shouted
“Oh. No, you don´t” came the reply. “I need to check the result.”
I stopped waiting for a finger on my cheek or maybe a kiss. It never came, so I turned around searching for her. The little minx was sitting on the kitchen table, legs spread and pants on the floor.
I got the message and dived in. Well. You can´t leave with a job……..so I took her to a quick climax before hurrying off.
I thought people acted a little strange in the subway. A couple of guys gave me dirty looks. I got some from women too, but they seemed a different kind of dirty. The same thing happened at work. I knew I was 15 minutes late, but that should not be the end of the world. Still. My boss approached looking as it was just that. Then he stopped, four or five feet from me, looked at me a little, and turned around with a “Never mind”
Still getting the same weird reactions I isolated myself as much as possible in my office for a couple of hours. Then there was a knock on the door and in came Patricia, a 23-year-old hottie that had most of the company’s men, and quite a few women lusting for her. She locked the door behind her and came really close.
“Would you like to freshen up your aftershave?” she asked.
Oh………… :facepalm:
How is this possible!
I see that this post is just 2 minutes old.
But swear that I have seen this text exactly like this more than an hour before.
I think, I’m again seeing premonitions.
:facepalm:
:facepalm:
:facepalm:
:facepalm:
:facepalm:
:facepalm:
:facepalm:
:facepalm:
:facepalm:
:facepalm:
:facepalm:
-
How is this possible!
I see that this post is just 2 minutes old.
But swear that I have seen this text exactly like this more than an hour before.
I think, I’m again seeing premonitions.
Easy now Asmodel. Don't :sign_ithinkimgoingmad:
You did and you are not. ;D
An answer to "What cologne/parfum does it for you? " turned into a small storie. Thinking about it I desided that the story part belonged here, so I moved it, keeping the short ansver in the original thread. :sign_insertevillaughhere:
-
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRCbTcauhWqa5seB9keEXVCCp-Lzu8QSin3-g&usqp=CAU)
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSIxqTnIqwuARqmPQM-gyn0sBc3pKkH9zqwcA&usqp=CAU (https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSIxqTnIqwuARqmPQM-gyn0sBc3pKkH9zqwcA&usqp=CAU)
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRS6uasqn3REpRY4DHVkHqY0F16eSL2H-8gWA&usqp=CAU)
FOR EVERYONE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE COLD.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/iefWDNU.jpg)
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/iefWDNU.jpg)
An Error Has Occurred!
Sorry, you can't repeat a karma action without waiting 24 hours.
-
NO ONE ELSE POSTING ANYTHING ANYWHERE?
(https://c.tenor.com/X_txB7r_OMgAAAAC/thanos-fine-ill-do-it-myself.gif)
-
I miss Gunnerman19.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/V1nBPxo.jpg)
-
I miss Gunnerman19.
(https://media1.giphy.com/media/Q7LP0tm86sBWIqjFCL/200w.gif?cid=82a1493bkljcij14gek2u5uohymp0pe7rz459gn093u4wi2j&rid=200w.gif&ct=g)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/V1nBPxo.jpg)
🤣 🤣 🤣
-
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQz07L8zm3ddnG9RbW2_l1a_p6SBbBGScLcqg&usqp=CAU)
:emot_thdrool:
-
So a man was in the lingerie department looking lost and confused. The helpful clerk approached him and asked if she could help. The embarrassed fellow stammered a bit and finally blurted out that he needed to buy a new bra for his wife. The clerk said that's not a problem. What size is she?
Now our gentleman shopper was totally lost. All he could do was shake his head and shrug his shoulders. Trying to be patient the clerk asked, "Well is she a grapefrut?" A negative shake of the head. "OK, how about a tomato?" Nope the man gulped out. In desperation the clerk asked, "How about an egg?" The man brightened and said Yes? An egg...fried. :emot_laughing:
-
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRMdp9CrjTwR1_NQfGOsRdC8AUD1B40LcUNmg&usqp=CAU)
-
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTTleSVbvXenzz-TJLdQLZ7XcMu8TlaFLh9Cg&usqp=CAU)
-
A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept.
The manager sends her off to the pharmacy section.
After ten minutes, the manager takes his routine a walk around the store to check on things. He finds the lady still in the Pharmacy section, humming to herself, just looking around. The manager goes up to her and asks, "Hello, did you find the condoms?"
"Oh, yeah," says the lady, pointing in the direction of the condoms, then goes back to humming.
The manager is confused, "Um, is there anything else I can help you with?"
"Oh no I'm fine," the lady said. "I'm just waiting for some guy to buy them."
-
Hey, she's pretty smart. I wish I would have thought of that 20 years ago. j/k
Woo 180 for the laugh out loud you got from me AB
-
Mrs ODK and I were walking in the area of Lambeth Palace in London when she said "I think that is the Archbishop of Canterbury across the road, go and see if it's him."
Obediantly I crossed the road, approached the gentleman in question and asked if he was indeed the Archbishop.
"Fuck off" he replied.
Crestfallen I retraced my steps.
"Was it him?" asked Mrs ODK.
"He told me to fuck off."
"That's a shame", she said, "now we will never know."
-
:emot_laughing: Hey, even an Archbishop can have a bad day.
-
Mrs ODK and I were walking in the area of Lambeth Palace in London when she said "I think that is the Archbishop of Canterbury across the road, go and see if it's him."
Obediantly I crossed the road, approached the gentleman in question and asked if he was indeed the Archbishop.
"Fuck off" he replied.
"
Gosh, I hope this is a true story, Obs.
-
My favorite story in the 'recognizing famous people' line concerns philosopher and mathematician Bertrand Russell.
One day he got into a London cab and gave the cabbie his destination. After a minute or two, the cabbie looked back and said, "So, what's it all about?"
-
(https://i.imgur.com/wtZuBdD.png)
-
https://i.postimg.cc/8Pw0tGR8/Fd3-Ma-R9-RWQA4-Vr-Vm.jpg
-
https://i.postimg.cc/8Pw0tGR8/Fd3-Ma-R9-RWQA4-Vr-Vm.jpg
That’s a classic! :D ;D :emot_laughing:
Also,
English teacher: Ok boys, time for a question: If Charles has a dog, then who’s would it be?
Bob : Ma’am it would be Charles’ dog.
English teacher: Very good Bob, Now Charles, if Bob has a cat, then who’s would it be?
Charles: Bobcat?
I know, probably not that good.
-
English teacher: Ok boys, time for a question: If Charles has a dog, then who’s would it be?
I read somewhere that, below a certain age, children have difficulty answering questions like that.
Q. Do you have a brother, Bobby?
A. Yes, miss.
Q. Does your brother have a brother?
A. No, miss.
Apparently it takes a while for children to develop the ability to see things from another person's point of view.
-
I read somewhere that, below a certain age, children have difficulty answering questions like that.
Apparently it takes a while for children to develop the ability to see things from another person's point of view.
I’m sorry about that Hilda, I should’ve thought about that…
Please do lmk, if it needs to be changed.
-
I read somewhere that, below a certain age, children have difficulty answering questions like that.
Apparently it takes a while for children to develop the ability to see things from another person's point of view.
I’m sorry about that Hilda, I should’ve thought about that…
Please do lmk, if it needs to be changed.
Nothing needs to be changed, Asmodel. That was just me clattering away at my keyboard when your post triggered a stray memory.
And my post would have made a lot more sense if I could remember at what age kids are able to make the switch. Sorry for coming over as a pompous old windbag.
-
Suitable for all. No matter whether you might know the show or not.
-
And my post would have made a lot more sense if I could remember at what age kids are able to make the switch. Sorry for coming over as a pompous old windbag.
The Early Signs. Studies show that around 2 years of age, children start to show genuine empathy, understanding how other people feel even when they don't feel the same way themselves.
Although children of all ages can show empathy, their main worldview is “me, me, me.” As they mature into 5-, 6- and 7-year-olds, you begin to see thinking that reflects “me and you, we and us.” This turn in thinking and perspective doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s not steady or predictable in every child.
Great subject.
-
RARE FOOTAGE OF THE HOT TUB FOUND! (https://imgur.com/NvvgIMo). <—(hyperlink actually.)
(Please watch till the end. Took significant effort .)
-
The cashier told me "Strip Down Facing Me".
By the time I realized they meant the debit card, it was too late.
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/DZNCzbzX/tenor.gif)
-
Joe's interested in buying a Harley motorcycle. He looks high and low for just the right on and the right price. Then as luck will have it, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...
The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome as it protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents and naturally, they ride the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' He says, and in they go.
Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. She has a big orgasm and Joe sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling and mom is beaming from ear to ear, but still ... . Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket, but as he stands up the father (looking really worried) immediately shouts: 'Ok, ok, I'll go do the fuckin’ dishes!!'
-
... as he stands up the father (looking really worried) immediately shouts: 'Ok, ok, I'll go do the fuckin’ dishes!!'
Woo.
-
:emot_laughing: Great one AB. This thread need to be used much more. :emot_laughing:
-
I was driving past a farm the other day when I ran over and killed one of Watcher's distant cousins. :emot_posteroops:
Full of remorse I knocked on the farmhouse door. When the farmer opend the door I told him that I had just killed his cockerel and would like to replace it.
"Suit yourself," said the farmer, "the hen house is round the back."
-
What does the receptionist at the Sperm clinic say when the clients are leaving?
Thanks for coming.
;) ;D :emot_laughing:
-
Hi there. I'm a detective. My name is Friday. I work on Saturday. She's my
secretary. A guy walked by my office, I knew he was tall; we're on the seventh
floor. Last week, a woman walked into my office. She pulled out a pair of 45s,
then she pulled out a gun. She invited me to a party that night. As we were
driving to the party, we got a flat tire. I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she
jacked, then we got out and fixed the tire. When we got to the party, everyone
was feeling merry, but Mary had to leave. Then everyone started jumping for
joy, but Joy got a headache...so we left. We went to her place. A rock broke
through the window and hit her in the breast, I broke three fingers. I started
petting her pussy, then her cat walked in. Her husband showed up...told me to
beat it, so I did, then I left.
-
(https://images2.imgbox.com/fe/a1/4qSiKT5s_o.png) (https://imgbox.com/4qSiKT5s)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/6TQRkdB.png)
Maybe this should be in "Politics", but really, isn't he the biggest joke.
-
-
QUESTION TO THE MODS
(https://i.imgur.com/7Wnmvv6.jpg)(https://i.imgur.com/WnLenxi.png)
DO THE ABOVE QUALIFY AS “A PIC FOR TRAPPER?”
-
Listen guys. Don't ever make fun of your wife's choices.
You're one of them.
-
I love the way they're putting little jokes on the side of snack packages.
Here's one that cracked me up.
Serving size: 3 cookies :emot_laughing:
-
(https://i.ibb.co/nLfC4Kq/86473c7.jpg)
-
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTmqTBKscLG4dqsLitiD8QmX8noE9PRRNUd5g&usqp=CAU)
-
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRQj9OrRIJ_p1jL5ODb3EFwVf2OLwUHEEzR3w&usqp=CAU)
-
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRQj9OrRIJ_p1jL5ODb3EFwVf2OLwUHEEzR3w&usqp=CAU (https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRQj9OrRIJ_p1jL5ODb3EFwVf2OLwUHEEzR3w&usqp=CAU)
Is it allowed here?
(https://i.postimg.cc/DZNCzbzX/tenor.gif)
-
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTP_fEkNSGda290QWjUhQQPgDvIlNci_v_JtQ&usqp=CAU)
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSHnSkURNSN78x3-OIeglULssopbvqh_LQSpA&usqp=CAU)
-
-
Once upon a time there was a King who was only twelve inches tall.
He wasn't a very good King, but he did make a great ruler.
-
Woo to shoes
-
When her hair started thinning, the missus wanted me to buy her a wig.
I found out those things do not come cheap, but to keep her happy it was a small price toupee.
-
When her hair started thinning, the missus wanted me to buy her a wig.
I found out those things do not come cheap, but to keep her happy it was a small price toupee.
He's here all week folks.
601 cause you made me laugh out loud, ya goof.
-edit-
Oh, geez, 191 I meant. You only have 600 posts??
-
When her hair started thinning, the missus wanted me to buy her a wig.
I found out those things do not come cheap, but to keep her happy it was a small price toupee.
bada boom
-
When my daughter was a high school freshman, she came home one day and said, "Dad, why do I have to take a math course about seaweed underwear?"
"Seaweed underwear? What are you talking about?"
"You know, algae-bra.'" :roll:
I've never been so proud.
-
Garfield : today I played god without meaning to.
Jon : how?
Garfield : I took out a chocolate chip cookie 🍪 with not enough chocolate chips to my liking. Keeping it aside I pulled out another, which was up to my standard. I ate that one, and as I was about place the one I didn’t find good enough back in the jar, the cookie fell and broke into pieces.
Jon : why Did I have to ask??
-
(https://im5.ezgif.com/tmp/ezgif-5-e171601a02.gif)
Truly! A Fishy Day Indeed!
(https://im5.ezgif.com/tmp/ezgif-5-a0d002fa16.gif)
-
What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Hint: keep your dirty mind away of this.
-
What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Hint: keep your dirty mind away of this.
Oreos?
-
What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Hint: keep your dirty mind away of this.
Oreos?
:sign_goodposting: close but no cigar.
The answer is Gum. ;D (Chewing gum/Bubblegum)
-
Once, on a trip to Shanghai, I went to a small bar. The place was a bit dusty and almost empty.
With little hope, I looked at the not quite 5 food Chinese guy’s big smile and ordered a Chivas Regal. To my surprise, he found a bottle and a clean glass and poured me a drink.
“Here you are, Sir. - 10 cents Sir.”
“I like your prices here. Ok, let's make it a double.”
“Here you are, Sir. - 10 cents Sir.”
Now I was a little curious, “Well I’ll take the whole bottle then”
“Certainly Sir. - 10 cents Sir.”
I just had to test this crazy guy one last time. “Can you sell me an entire case of Chivas?”
He flew out back and returned with a case of Shivas, “here you are Sir”
“And how much do I owe you?”
“10 cents Sir.”
“10 cents for an entire case of Chivas! Are you out of your mind?”
The guy gave me another big smile and said, “No Sir, but my boss is upstairs, fucking my wife and I’m down here fucking his business.”
-
I'm going to write a book about all the things I should have done differently in my life.
It'll be my oughtabiography.
-
What's the difference between regular granite and English granite?
Regular granite is a rock; Pommie (English) granite is a fruit.
-
I've asked so many people what LGBTQ+ means.
No one will give me a straight answer.
-
https://imgur.com/JcYmqAH (https://imgur.com/JcYmqAH)
When a seal catches you !
Also
As well as
-
Gas prices are so high Tom Brady went back to work.
-
I went to see that new Pedro Almodovar film yesterday. It's about a Spanish mother who campaigns to get her son out of jail after he is imprisoned for a crime he didn't commit.
"Bye Juan. Get Juan Free"
-
When you have watched so much *STUFF* that even Siri Starts Moaning!
-
When you have watched so much *STUFF* that even Siri Starts Moaning!
(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f4afa406c43289f4b9e72f7b381545e28ba0bc104734e0855ec61cc606bdecc0.jpg)
-
LMFAO, the Pug in the end blew that balloon.
-
Don’t worry, no spider in there.
-
Edit:
-
Smoothest P0rnHuB transition ever!
Don’t watch, just listen with eyes closed….
Wouldn’t believe that they synchronise so well!
-
Don’t worry,it no spider in there.
Catfish Bait
-
Don’t worry,it no spider in there.
Catfish Bait
True, though I gotta say, the trick was really egg-sellent!
-
What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?
One detests a rack of lamb, the other deplores a lack of RAM.
-
Edit:
https : //youtu.be/oRbcWEEkL-M
-
https://youtu.be/Gg0PeXma7gM (https://youtu.be/Gg0PeXma7gM) <— 0:44 egg-crunching
-
A recent survey has concluded that 97% of the people in this country are stupid.
I feel so fortunate to be in the other 5%.
-
A recent survey has concluded that 97% of the people in this country are stupid.
I feel so fortunate to be in the other 5%.
I don't get it.... oh wait... you spelt "stoopid" wrong that is two funny
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
A recent survey has concluded that 97% of the people in this country are stupid.
I feel so fortunate to be in the other 5%.
I don't get it.... oh wait... you spelt "stoopid" wrong that is two funny
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
oh yeah… thanks for clearing that up Miss Shiela…
I was caught in the mathematical part, for I stg, adding the tu %s gets a total of 101%
but wait, isn’t that, Phuhn¡ ?
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Pretty sure I’m going nuts, but ⬇️
The 3rd photo in the above post makes me think that
Every Bee 🐝 would definitely wanna pollinate that flower 🌺!
:emot_laughing: :facepalm: :emot_laughing: :facepalm: :emot_laughing: :facepalm: :emot_laughing:
-
-
-
(One fish dirties the pond, just like that, the one clip in this video makes it unsuitable for Kristen’sBoard.)
https:/ /youtu.be/ Ea_ayyzepnw
-
(One fish dirties the pond, just like that, the one clip in this video makes it unsuitable for Kristen’sBoard.)
What fish and what pond? Do I have to watch the embedded videos to find out?
-
https://youtu.be/quprjSrwukM (https://youtu.be/quprjSrwukM)
https://youtu.be/YP5x-Tp_Cos (https://youtu.be/YP5x-Tp_Cos)
Some checked (embedded) some unchecked.(url)
Edit:
When this guy went to America’s got talent.
He got a call back!
-
This movie is really a joke.
I mean, no repercussions?
Atleast some resemblance to reality should be there.
Oh well, I guess Adam Sandler + Andy Samberg = Comedy, only comedy and nothing but comedy.
https://youtu.be/fuhVhjYLoA0 (https://youtu.be/fuhVhjYLoA0)
-
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ7CePzOhFdx1xIc6h-P7bA0dsH5pVzR4FCFQ&usqp=CAU)
🧛♀️
-
My wife just chewed me out for not buying her flowers.
In my defense... I didn't even know she sold flowers.
-
;D ;D ;D
-
That moment, when Han Solo learnt about Luke and Leia’s true relationship!
Bonus : https://youtu.be/F9bx6k7-hk0 (https://youtu.be/F9bx6k7-hk0) (when the guy is such a pervert, even female ghosts run scared of him!)
-
People: there is good stuff on Tik-Tok too!
Me : Yup, like this ⬇️
-
Chris Rock couldn't figure out why Will Smith was on stage and walking toward him.
And then it hit him.
-
;D ;D ;D
-
Rumor has it that gas prices will be cut in half next week, nationwide.
April Fuels!
-
I filled up for $3.69 a gallon day before yesterday. I’ve seen higher prices. And adjusted for inflation, it’s far less than gas has been on numerous occasions in my lifetime. I just don’t understand all the old people on social media who think Joe Biden sets the price of gas. LOL. That’s the real joke of the day.
-
I've heard bras are like good friends. They never leave you hanging. :emot_laughing:
-
What did the boob tell the other boob?……….. your my breast friend!!!! :facepalm:
-
What did the boob tell the other boob?……….. your my breast friend!!!! :facepalm:
I tittered at that one.
-
What did the boob tell the other boob?……….. your my breast friend!!!! :facepalm:
Periliously close to your first boo
-
What did the boob tell the other boob?……….. your my breast friend!!!! :facepalm:
Periliously close to your first boo
MJ missed her chance to get another booginity notch on her pistol handle.
-
What did the boob tell the other boob?……….. your my breast friend!!!! :facepalm:
Periliously close to your first boo
Lol…. I expect I will tally up a few boo’s… my jokes are terrible. 🤓
-
MJ missed her chance to get another booginity notch on her pistol handle.
Too fresh for me. My prey usually has to have 50 woo's under their belt. One day I'll get him, if he's lucky.
-
Guess what I'll have between my breasts in about 30 years?
My belly button 😱
-
Guess what I'll have between my breasts in about years?
My belly button 😱
Not a problem, Shiela. I'll hold them up for you so you can wash your belly button... :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Superman is flying around one day and he’s feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn’t do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away.
Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he’s swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about.
He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she’ll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and id 4 seconds he’s back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman looks up and says “What was that?”
Invisible Man says: “I don’t know but my ass hurts!”
-
Superman is flying around one day and he’s feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn’t do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away.
Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he’s swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about.
He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she’ll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and id 4 seconds he’s back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman looks up and says “What was that?”
Invisible Man says: “I don’t know but my ass hurts!”
😂😂😂👍
-
Fantastic Four Headquarters:
Ben Grimm, the THING is walking to the kitchen,thinking about making himself some tacos.
He sees Johnny Storm, The Human Torch’s door slightly open and thinks about asking him whether he also wants a taco.
He walks to the door and opening him, sees Johnny naked on his bed, with a few semen stains in front of him. Unbeknownst to Ben, there also seems to be another semen-stain on the wall, behind the now completely open door.
Seeing Johnny like this, he says, “Jeez Johnny, lock the damn door if you want to get off! What if your sister saw you like this?”
Ben closes the door and walks away.
Suddenly the stain on the wall seems to move, as if it wasn’t on the wall, but on something, or more likely, someone invisible.
“Do you think he knew I was here?” Came the voice of Sue Storm, the invisible girl.
-
Superman is flying around one day and he%u2019s feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn%u2019t do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away.
Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he%u2019s swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about.
He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks I%u2019m faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she%u2019ll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and id 4 seconds he%u2019s back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman looks up and says %u201CWhat was that?%u201D
Invisible Man says: %u201CI don%u2019t know but my ass hurts!%u201D
I actually heard a slightly different version of the story.
One day, Superman was flying over Metropolis and looked down and spotted Wonder Woman, lying on her pent house roof, writhing and undulating back and forth. She really looked "hot" so Superman swooped down beside her and watched at she continued her sexy moves and low groans.
Finally, Superman couldn't take it any more, so he pushed down his Super Shorts and hopped on top. Four hours later he gets off, pulls up his Super Shorts and says "Well Wonder Woman, what did you think of that?"
Wonder Woman said "Not too bad, Superman, but I don't think the Invisible Man appreciated it."
-
Yours is better
-
Yours is better
Why, thank you, my dear ;D :D ;D (Assuming, of course, you were talking to me.) :-[ :-*
-
I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she'd been with.
She said, "Of course you are. All the others were at least a seven."
-
Oh my god. Best laugh I had in days. WOO(#200)
-
A man sunbathes nude and ends up burning his dick.
His naturopathy doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a cup of cold milk.
His blonde girlfriend comes home and finds him with his dick in a cup of cold milk.
'Good heavens', she remarks,
‘I always wondered how you guys reload this thing!'
-
:emot_laughing: No wonder I've run dry. Heading to the store. ;D
-
Beef is recycled grass
-
(https://i.imgur.com/j7gmZbH.jpg)
-
If Dan did that to me.......he'd die.
-
(https://i.ibb.co/HY5TnG0/D2524-D7-E-8-BD3-447-E-A542-8-FB97-C7-C545-E.jpg)
-
I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with.
She replied yes, all the others had been nines and tens.
-
One lesbian vampire to another lesbian vampire - " See you next month"
-
An Irishman's first drink with his son:
While reading an article last night about fathers and the sons,
memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his
first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank
it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?
He didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky.
He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so
drunk I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're
having it off with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you
yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid gits, because I wasn't
even home yesterday."
-
I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she'd been with.
She said, "Of course you are. All the others were at least a seven."
:emot_laughing: and a woo
-
Read this joke on Quora
A.P. BIO CLASS GOING ON.
Teacher: Sperm contains some amount of glucose.
Girl: That means it tastes sweet, but it doesn't taste sweet.
Class:(huh)???
Teacher: The sweet taste buds are at the tip of the tongue not at the back of your Throat
-
A wife decided to spruce up her sex life by buying some crotchless lingerie. Pleased with herself, she dons the panties and sits on the sofa in front of her husband, spread eagle.
"Are those crotchless panties?" her husband asks.
"Why, yes they are," she replies seductively.
"Thank goodness for that!" her husband exclaims. "I thought you sat down on the cat."
-
God: I've made birds to rule the skies, fish to rule the seas, animals to rule the earth, and man to rule over them all.
Angel: That's not fair. Who will rule over man?
God: It's hysterical, wait until you see. I'm calling it, a toddler.
-
Q: What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people if used incorrectly, and works well when jerked ?
A: A seatbelt.
-
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS4CwcuwXctqruUIzYdOURgnnNnFBEii9Darw&usqp=CAU)
-
That was funny. Didn't see that coming.
-
Two men were in the doctor's office. Each of them is there to get a vasectomy.
Nurse comes into the room and tells both men to, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedure done."
A few minutes later, she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle his pecker, and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he is, he asks, "Why are you doing that?"
She replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."
The man, not wanting to cause a problem (and enjoying it) allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man. She starts to fondle him as she had the first man, but then drops to her knees and starts to suck him off.
The first man, seeing this, quickly asks, "Hey! Why is it that I get jerked off and he gets a blow job?"
The nurse simply replies, "That's the difference between Medicare and Private Health Insurance coverage."
-
A man had been very much hammered while heading to bed,
In the middle of the night, he started crying in his sleep, saying “I’ve lost my prick! I’ve lost my nuts!”
His wife, who had been sleeping beside woke up and told him to go back to sleep, and to take his hand out of her panties.
-
The ultimate joke on mankind is that computers are now requiring us to prove we are a human and not a robot.
-
The ultimate joke on mankind is that computers are now requiring us to prove we are a human and not a robot.
And conspiracy theorists are using their smart phones to post warnings about computer chips in vaccines.
-
My ability to remember the lyrics to songs popular in the 1960s greatly exceeds my ability to remember why I just walked into the kitchen. :facepalm:
-
My ability to remember the lyrics to songs popular in the 1960s greatly exceeds my ability to remember why I just walked into the kitchen. :facepalm:
As one ages, it seems we can remember more things of what we did at an earlier age then we could have maybe when we were in our 40s.
-
A senior couple goes to the doctor. The doctor first visits the husband:
- Everything seems to be fine. Are you having problems?
- Well, nothing special but when I make love with my wife, the first time, there are no problems at all. But, the second time I feel very sweaty and this annoys me.
After having visited the wife, the doctor asks her a question:
- To me, everything is ok but your husband says, when you are having sex, that the first time there are no problems while the second time he gets very sweaty. Do you know the reason for that?
- Sure, doctor. The first time is in January. The second is in August.
-
And now, a message from one of our sponsors...
When you want to raise spirits at a party, try...
Mediums!
We will now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.
-
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Vladimir Putin," she says.
"Why Vladimir Putin?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give him a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad and maybe start loving people a little bit.
"And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to President Putin, he'd love everyone a lot.
"And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swelled and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, we could shoot the fucker!"
-
When you want to raise spirits at a party, try..
Mediums!
I've met a few (mediums, that is). Plus a few others who called themselves channelers. I thought they were hilarious but kept my thoughts to myself.
-
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, we could shoot the fucker!"
Note to self... do not take a drink of coffee when reading Hoss jokes. :emot_laughing:
Woo
-
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, we could shoot the fucker!"
(https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/61cYXkhG22L._AC_SL1500_.jpg)
-
I was actually winning an argument with my wife.
Then she took off her top and bra.
Now I know what a booby trap means. :facepalm:
-
I saw a tweet today "bukkake is technically a baby shower" and I'm still laughing :emot_laughing:
-
I was actually winning an argument with my wife.
Then she took off her top and bra.
Now I know what a booby trap means. :facepalm:
Good one purpleshoes :emot_laughing:
And I know what you mean.
Its like knockers.
My GF shrugged her shoulders and knocked me out.
-
On her first day at the seniors' complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory for the females."
"Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60."
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180."
"Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
-
Driving to work this morning, and this guy in an oncoming car was shaving with an electric razor and not paying attention to the road, next thing I know he's halfway in my lane. Well it caused me to drop my eyeliner and when I tried to catch it I dropped my donut out of my other, which landed in my coffee that was tucked between my legs giving me a terrible burn on my thigh which caused me to scream into my phone that was tucked between shoulder and ear and frightened the person in the other end...
That stupid asshole needs to pay attention to the road.
-
LMFAO :emot_laughing:
That actually got me going for a second, then I remembered it was Joke of the Day, not What Ruined My Day ;D
-
"How much for a season pass?"
I love it.
That stupid asshole needs to pay attention to the road.
Um, I don't get the joke. Yes, he shouldn't be shaving while driving. Only women can multitask like you were S.
-
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he went to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, she asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business
-
:emot_laughing:
-
You get a woo for that. LMAO.
-
Two muffins are sitting in the oven baking. One turns to the other and says, "it sure is hot in here." The other muffin replies, "whoa, a talking muffin!"
-
Two muffins are sitting in the oven baking. One turns to the other and says, "it sure is hot in here." The other muffin replies, "whoa, a talking muffin!"
I didn't get it. But then I got it. A talking muffin that is shocked by a talking muffin.
I tell Dan the joke. He laughed and said he'd heard it before and loves that joke. Is it a guy thing? Funny, but not that funny. I google it. There is pages of articles about it being brilliant while others think it's not funny at all.
Sorry, I'm not trying to be critical of your joke PH, I do think it's cute after 'getting it'. I was more surprised there is so many search results with comments about it.
-
So...this morning my wife said, "I'm pissed!".
My reply, "Again or still?".
-
I love me some dad jokes Woo to both of you.
:emot_laughing:
-
Two muffins are sitting in the oven baking. One turns to the other and says, "it sure is hot in here." The other muffin replies, "whoa, a talking muffin!"
I didn't get it. But then I got it. A talking muffin that is shocked by a talking muffin.
I tell Dan the joke. He laughed and said he'd heard it before and loves that joke. Is it a guy thing? Funny, but not that funny. I google it. There is pages of articles about it being brilliant while others think it's not funny at all.
Sorry, I'm not trying to be critical of your joke PH, I do think it's cute after 'getting it'. I was more surprised there is so many search results with comments about it.
Some call them Dad jokes and some anti-jokes. In some cases they're even do stupid that that's the whole joke. I guess it's something most people either love or hate ;D
-
Some call them Dad jokes and some anti-jokes. In some cases they're even do stupid that that's the whole joke. I guess it's something most people either love or hate ;D
I have a whole book of “dad jokes” and have been bugging my kids with them for years.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? There’s great food, but no atmosphere.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Some call them Dad jokes and some anti-jokes. In some cases they're even do stupid that that's the whole joke. I guess it's something most people either love or hate ;D
I have a whole book of “dad jokes” and have been bugging my kids with them for years.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? There’s great food, but no atmosphere.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
Same here
Where does a general keep his armies? Up his sleevies.
I went to the psychiatrist the other day and said I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains. He told me to pull myself together.
I went to the psychiatrist the other day and said I keep thinking I'm either a wigwam or a teepee. He told me I was just too tense.
-
So funny Toe and Obi. ROTFLMAO!!! :emot_laughing:
Yeah...Dad here. We know humor.
-
Dan laughed at most of them. I rolled my eyes at most of them.
Goof balls!
-
Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
Why do nurses like red crayons? In case they have to draw blood.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
:emot_laughing:
-
Love it love it love it. Had me some good laughs. So corny and ridiculous I can't help but laugh at them.
-
I used to be addicted to soap but I'm clean now
A school reported a kidnapping but then he woke up
When two vegans get into an argument, are they having beef?
What do you call a pencils with two erasers? Pointless
What do fish smoke to get high? Sea weed
-
Okay, you're starting to rub off on me. I laughed a bit.
-
I had dinner with my dad last night and was talking to him about dad jokes. He first wanted to tell me about Johnny and the clown again, but I declined, and then he asks if I know what a dad joke not told by a dad is called? Almost in unison we said "a bad joke"
Couldn't stop laughing.
-
he asks if I know what a dad joke not told by a dad is called? Almost in unison we said "a bad joke"
;D
Guilty. I'm not a dad but I love bad dad jokes.
-
A man and his wife were having marital problems and went to a marriage counselor.
His wife spent nearly the whole hour complaining about what was wrong with their union.
As they all stood up when their hour was over, the counselor took the wife in his arms and gave her a long passionate kiss, then turned to the husband and said, "That is what your wife needs, at least three times a week."
The husband looks doubtful but says, "Well, I can get her here Mondays and Wednesdays, but Fridays I play golf."
-
Gotta love the dad jokes... :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
(https://i.imgur.com/eJO5fiY.jpg)
-
Guy tried to sell me a coffin.
I told him that was the last thing I need.
-
My grandfather died after he swallowed a bottle of varnish. The undertaker said he had a wonderful finish.
-
Not really a joke. But funny, and KB appropriate
Open google translate. Convert to French. Type in "fifty ten hull" play audio.
Then convert to Dutch type in "pick my most beautiful side" play audio.
-
I think I have a faint idea of what that means, as after listening to it thrice, I can say for sure that the last word in French and the two last words in Dutch have funny pronunciations. ;D
TC:
A man left his house at 10 PM, saying to his wife he’ll be back around 20 past 11.
Went to a bar, got drunk, and hooked up with a woman.
Went back to her apartment, had sex for a few hours,
After coming to senses, looked at the clock, saw that it was 1:30 past midnight.
Hurriedly asked the woman. “Quick! Give me talcum!”
The woman immediately complied to his request, albeit confused. The man hastily dusted his hands with the white talcum powder.
Drove home hurriedly.
His wife asked him “Where were you?”
Looking her dead in the eye, he replied “I went to the local bar, got acquainted with a lady, and we fucked for the past 3 hours.”
His wife retorted “oh stop it! The talcum powder is a clear sign you again got carried away playing billiards at the club!”
-
Not really a joke. But funny, and KB appropriate
Open google translate. Convert to French. Type in "fifty ten hull" play audio.
Then convert to Dutch type in "pick my most beautiful side" play audio.
Now understand the full extent of it, and rofl it is HILARIOUS! :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
What do you call a fellow telling Dad Jokes who isn’t a Dad?
A Faux Pas
-
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married 10 times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was…God! I miss him!
But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m going to get screwed!”
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Best lawyer joke ever! I did not see that one coming.
My advice is marry a teacher. They make you do it over and over until you get it right.
-
My favorite is the stamp collector. Anybody here collect stamps?
Cute joke.
-
My favorite is the stamp collector. Anybody here collect stamps?
Cute joke.
The stamp collector bit,
I still haven’t understood….
Also:
A girl would climb on a tree at 9 am and get down at 5 pm everyday.
After completing her MBA, she had gone nuts, started to think of herself as a branch manager.
-
The stamp collector bit,
I still haven’t understood….
(https://i.gifer.com/OY9Y.gif)
-
The stamp collector bit,
I still haven’t understood….
(https://i.gifer.com/OY9Y.gif)
Thanks for the clarification sir.
Ah, so my wild guess was indeed right….
-
Yes children...there was a time when stamps were licked to moisten the glue. Self-adhesive stamps replaced them.
Oh...we had to lick the envelope too.
Thus endeth today's history lesson.
-
Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.
So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 Euros.
-
Yes children...there was a time when stamps were licked to moisten the glue. Self-adhesive stamps replaced them.
Oh...we had to lick the envelope too.
Thus endeth today's history lesson.
Oh… I saw those in movies…
Though wasn’t unable to make the connection…
As for thread.
(https://i.imgur.com/br0vP0c.png)
-
Question:
What is a Bear’s Favourite Drink?
Answer: A Pine-A Claw-Ada! 🌲🍹
-
My favorite is the stamp collector. Anybody here collect stamps?
Cute joke.
The stamp collector bit,
I still haven’t understood….
It took me a while as well :facepalm:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/NUIHdlF.png)
The last line! :emot_laughing:
-
Yes children...there was a time when stamps were licked to moisten the glue. Self-adhesive stamps replaced them.
Oh...we had to lick the envelope too.
Thus endeth today's history lesson.
Here is a happy stamp from that era:
(https://i.imgur.com/gNtZoEg.jpg)
-
THIS DUDE’S CRAZY! Instead of blaming it on them, he should have improved his skills! :emot_laughing:
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT53NeI8qU08s72f6OMzBmFs-QdRI3x6NoCTQ&usqp=CAU)
-
No shortage of men that think they're infallible in the bedroom, and where if the woman isn't satisfied, she's got a bad attitude, is bad at sex, or has a toy addiction
-
I had to check to make sure this guys name was James. 🤣
My futon was better.😘
-
I had to check to make sure this guys name was James. 🤣
My futon was better.😘
Who James?
Donald J Trump?
That J means John, as per Siri atleast.
What’s a futon? A blanket or a comforter ?
-
Who James?
https://www.kristensboard.com/forums/index.php?topic=44669.msg611585;topicseen#msg611585
What’s a futon? A blanket or a comforter ?
It's a sofa that pulls out into a bed. It's what I'm grinding on here.
https://imgur.com/a/cZUxCDI
Go ahead, click the link. We know you want to
-
James the Butter Churner
-
Who James?
https://www.kristensboard.com/forums/index.php?topic=44669.msg611585;topicseen#msg611585
Sheesh! You’re right! The guy who made that post (in the image) does sound like him!
What’s a futon? A blanket or a comforter ?
It's a sofa that pulls out into a bed. It's what I'm grinding on here. Ah, A two-in-one sofa-cum-bed, gotcha.
https://imgur.com/a/cZUxCDI (https://imgur.com/ld4H3ki)
Go ahead, click the link. We know you want to CT?!?
Anyways…
*clicks the link*
Omg…
You got me good Miss Shiela!
My own Rick-roll video!
-
What's the difference between medium and rare?
5 inches is medium, 8 is rare.
-
What's the difference between medium and rare?
5 inches is medium, 8 is rare.
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
A man is getting into the shower
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
XxxxxxxxxxxxX
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"
Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
-
What's the difference between medium and rare?
5 inches is medium, 8 is rare.
...but would 10 be "well done"? :emot_laughing:
-
Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.
Genie: Done. You now have no more wishes.
Me: But you said I had three and that was only one.
Genie: So sue me.
-
Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.
Genie: Done. You now have no more wishes.
Me: But you said I had three and that was only one.
Genie: So sue me.
I’d be content with that.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/7OaiZTr_d.webp?maxwidth=640&shape=thumb&fidelity=medium)
-
I heard a rumor that our resident lawyer appropriately named his dick Truth. Because not everybody can handle Truth, and sometimes Truth hurts.
-
I heard a rumor that our resident lawyer appropriately named his dick Truth. Because not everybody can handle Truth, and sometimes Truth hurts.
Truth is bitter (and also stings like a hornet), STRICTLY NOT speaking from experience!
-
I heard a rumor that our resident lawyer appropriately named his dick Truth. Because not everybody can handle Truth, and sometimes Truth hurts.
I’m like Gay Pride Month. A real pain in the ass sometimes. :emot_laughing:
-
Truth is bitter
I wouldn't say bitter, more of a salty tang 😘
-
Truth is bitter
I wouldn't say bitter, more of a salty tang 😘
Then most likely saltier than the Dead Sea.
-
(https://64.media.tumblr.com/9ca917ed41a98a9074363c72a942e99b/tumblr_inline_p9yxo73lqx1thg4ag_400.gif)
-
Truth is bitter
. Yes, Truth has it’s consequences
I wouldn't say bitter, more of a salty tang 😘
-
We all had a great time at my grandson's fourth birthday party.
I almost didn't recognize him though.
I've never seen him be four.
:facepalm:
-
We all had a great time at my grandson's fourth birthday party.
I almost didn't recognize him though.
I've never seen him be four.
:facepalm:
:emot_laughing:
-
We all had a great time at my grandson's fourth birthday party.
I almost didn't recognize him though.
I've never seen him be four.
:facepalm:
Took me a moment to understand. Almost thought that it was a different thread, and that you're a grandpa! Which'd be surprising as you don't seem a day over the 30's sir!
:facepalm: :emot_laughing: ;D
Stupid session timing out for last 10 minutes… :facepalm:
-
Is "buttcheeks" one word?
Or do they need to be separated?
-
Books and dicks are opposite of each other,
Sometimes the first can only be a hard-cover.
While the second can be hard ALL OVER.
-
Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through
the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,
Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated
..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your
Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you
gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a
couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed
with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and
say, 'times up' "?
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
:emot__rofl2L:
-
I seldom woo a joke. But that sir was effing hilarious.
-
A young twenty-something guy inherited $100,000 right after he earned his MBA. He knew that amount of money wouldn't be enough to live on for very long so he came up with a brilliant idea.
He invested the money and had himself cryogenically stored, long enough for the power of time to turn his inheritance into a fortune. That way, he wouldn't have to work a single day of his life.
One hundred years later, he was brought out of his suspended animation, and immediately called his broker's office to find out his balance.
When told his account now held just over 100-million dollars, he gleefully shouted, "Yes! I did it. I'M RICH!"
In his euphoria, he was doing a happy dance of celebration when he realized that he was still holding the phone.
A robotic voice came on the line and said, "If you'd like to continue this call, please deposit 10-million dollars for the next three minutes."
-
A simple one:
Always be suspicious of a nun doing pushups in a cucumber field.
-
A simple one:
Always be suspicious of a nun doing pushups in a cucumber field.
Or sit ups in a cornfield.
-
That does a happy meal and I have in common?
*
*
*
*
*
We both come with a toy inside. 😘
-
That does a happy meal and I have in common?
*
*
*
*
*
We both come with a toy inside. 😘
😳
Also, another thing, you both bring joy to others.
-
That does a happy meal and I have in common?
*
*
*
*
*
We both come with a toy inside. 😘
;D ;D ;D
And a woo
-
A man is beginning to think his wife’s cheating on him and happens upon a pet shop
He sees a parrot with no wings and no feet and sees the price tag is 10x as much as the next most expensive parrot, he asks the owner “why is that parrot so expensive?” The owner replies “this parrot is fully capable of understanding and speaking just like a human, it’s really remarkable!” Then the man asks “how does it stay perched on the swing with no legs?” The owner replies “well we wrapped his dick around the bar and that seemed to do the trick” So the man gets an idea and buys the parrot and takes him home.
The next morning before heading to work he says to the parrot “I’m leaving and I think my wife’s cheating, I want you to keep your eyes open and tell me everything you see when I get back” the parrot says “you got it boss” and the man leaves for work. He comes home later that night and immediately goes to the parrot and says “so tell me did you see anything?” The parrot says “oh you bet I did you’re not gonna believe it!” So the man says “what did you see??” The parrot says “the mailman!” The man goes “I KNEW IT! What exactly did you see??”
Parrot: well your wife opened the door in a super sexy lingerie!
Man: and then??
Parrot: and then the mailman came inside and started kissing her neck!
Man: and then????!
Parrot: then she started to undress him !
Man: AND THEN???!!
Parrot: then he undressed her!!!
Man: AND THENN??!!!!!!
Parrot: and then I got a boner so I fell on my back and didn’t see the rest!
-
A big old bear walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "What can I get for you?"
The bear says, "I'll have a rum... ... ... ... ... ... and a Coke."
The bartender says, "Coming right up, but why the big pause?"
The bear shrugs, looks down at his forearms and says, "Beats me. I was born with 'em."
-
A big old bear walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "What can I get for you?"
The bear says, "I'll have a rum... ... ... ... ... ... and a Coke."
The bartender says, "Coming right up, but why the big pause?"
The bear shrugs, looks down at his forearms and says, "Beats me. I was born with 'em."
???
-
???
[/quote]
Oh love... :facepalm:
Pause=paws
-
???
Oh love... :facepalm:
Pause=paws
[/quote]
:facepalm: :facepalm: :emot_laughing:
Seems like not my day at all lol. :facepalm: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
Thanks for the explanation Miss Shiela. ;D
-
I dated a girl in college who had one leg that was shorter than the other.
Her name was Eileen.
-
- Groan-
Woo
-
LMAO
-
A man goes hunting for deer in the woods. Sees a good looking deer, and shoots at it. Misses, but grazes a bear.
The man, terrified, cannot get away from the bear. The bear approaches the man and in a calm voice says:
"Your ass or your life, you almost killed me there, and I was no threat to you."
So the man unwillingly gives himself to the bear.
After some time, the man gathers his courage to go hunting again, and again spots the perfect buck.
And again, he fires at the buck, and misses, this time shooting a trout out of the bear's paws.
The bear says: "Same as last time, Ass or life, you almost ended mine, and ruined my meal."
And again, the hunter gives in, and the bear uses him longer this time.
So after more courage building, the hunter goes out one more time to hunt, this time going elsewhere.
Spots a twelve point buck, takes aim, and fires. This time, the bullet wildly missed the buck, and dropped a branch on the bear's head
as he was about to make love to his wife.
The bear knows who it is, and walks up to the man and disarms him and asks the hunter, who knows the drill by now, has dropped his pants and braces himself against the tree:
"You really don't come out to hunt do you?" The bear asked as he entered the hunter.
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
woo!
-
Two older lions sit at the watering hole for a drink. Their territories are secure, and they lived their lives in a semi peaceful truce.
They started arguing about who raised the best sons. As they always did.
The true King of the Savannah arrived, who was their father.
The older Lion sat down next to his sons.
"You two still bickering over who sired the next king?" The older, scarred up lion spoke. The entire watering hole fell silent.
"Father, tell my brother I raised the best." The first lion spoke.
"It is true, your sons are strong, loyal fighters, but they are lacking." The older lion said passing judgement.
"See, brother, father thinks I am best." He boasted.
The brother said nothing, as he knew the weight of his fathers words.
"Ha, Ha! I see your pride is blinding you, and your silence is deafening you. So how about a wager?" The older lion, who was quite tired of this small feud.
He knew both sons would be fit to take over, but he still had some years left, and wanted to see if both sons truly did right by their sons.
"Yes, father?" both asked in unison.
"You see, just on the border of my domain, lives a maleless pride of lionesses, of all ages. They are truly picky with whom they mate, so they have not mated in many seasons. If you both
fancy yourselves as great as a father as I was to you, then your sons would be able to cross the hills and make that pride theirs." The older lion chortled, as the bartender brought him another drink.
The two fathers looked at each other. That pride was a legendary male eating pride. They did not let an unworthy male go. They killed and ate him. Wary of losing their sons, but their father had already decreed it. The two fathers left to go home and break the news to their families.
An older lioness joins the King. "Dear husband, do you realize that those lionesses will not be gentle with our grandchildren?" She asked.
"Ruling is not meant to be easy, or gentle. One does not always need to be strong, but also have the brains to overcome every challenge." He said sipping his drink.
"I will go then, and speak to the leader of that pride, as she and I are sisters." She said.
"Do as you please, but do not change a thing for them." He commanded.
After drinking, she left. It would be at sundown when she made it to their territory. She was welcomed, and the talks began...
The next Day...
Everyone on the Savannah was out to see the best of the two father's sons off. Their mothers wept, their friends gave them supporting back slaps.
As agreed on earlier, each son would go, one at a time, and try to subdue the pride into theirs.
The first son, a bit of a playboy muscle head, who thought little of lionesses, except as a warm wet tight place to store his dick left first.
It would not be but only two hours later, before the first son returned. He was battered, wounded and limping back.
"They almost killed me. I barely made it back. Good luck, brother." He said, before collapsing on the medical cot, being moved by gorillas.
Now the second son.
He never boasted of his strength, but remembered the lessons of when he was a cub. Always watching the adults, how they handled everything, and listened to every word.
He leaves, despite everyone trying to stop him.
An hour passes.
Then another.
And another.
Everyone assembled was worried. He was not the strongest lion, or the fastest. Surely he was food by now.
More hours passed, the crowd now having grown, to even the two legs. who took interest in this competition.
The sun has fallen, and now is about to rise again....
Over the hill, the second son returns, following behind him is the entire pride, plus one, who was in disguise.
The whole Savannah was relieved.
"How did you do it?" a Gazelle asked.
The second son answered.
"I spent hours circling their territory. Showing no interest in them what so ever. They were enticing me with their sprays, trying to lure me to my ultimate demise. But I showed no interest. Until finally when they could stand it no longer, their leader approached and offered herself to me, without biting my ass or balls. I obliged her and her alone.
"Why not my sisters?" She asked me.
"Because, I know the minute I enter that fray, I will be doomed. So I will take my time, and give each and everyone of you what you want, separately." I replied.
"When the others heard that, they fell in line and followed me." The son replied.
There was much celebration that day, as the male eating pride was tamed, but not with violence or disrespect, but a little thought and gentleness.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/dBbsEXM.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/dBbsEXM.jpg)
Kinda, lol. Goes along with the fact that Lionesses initiate sex, not the lions.
-
A Mexican magician told his audience that he would disappear on the count of three.
"Uno," he says, holding up one finger.
"Dos," he intones, now with two fingers in the air.
And then suddenly, POOF! He was gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
-
Oh Purple you've put done yourself. That's so corny it's great.
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing
-
I laughed harder than I should have. Woo
-
My daddy used to tell this joke every year at 4th of July gatherings to some poor unsuspecting victim that hadn't hear it before.
"I heard a commotion outside my house the other night and stepped out on the front porch to see what was going on.
A police officer had caught two teenagers walking through the neighborhood with a firework and a car battery.
He charged one of them, and let the other one off."
#dadJokes
Happy 4th of July.
-
Haha, thanks for sharing ;D
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/k5MPyPKc/SFGJ.gif)
-
(http://www.casscoa.org/sites/default/files/field/image/1_HJbxQ5suRboRxGtg8kX4Zg.png)
-
:facepalm:
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Hey, what do you call it when a fish wears a suit and tie? :o
Sofishticated ;D
-
So an elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie 😊
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
What do you call a belt made of hundred dollar bills?
A waist of money.
-
Dad had a new favorite yesterday
"Hey kiddo, just found out I'm psychic. I'm seeing a lot of spirits."
*points at the alcohol cart.
-
How about Grandpa jokes from an old fart?
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.
How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.
-
those are right there next to.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying on the floor?
Matt.
-
It's no wonder you and your dad get along so great. Same sense of humor. :emot_kiss:
-
What do you call a blind antelope. No idea. :facepalm:
What do you call a blind antelope with no legs. Still no idea. :facepalm: :facepalm:
-
I believe 12.5% of the Holy Bible.
I guess that would make me an eighth-e-ist.
-
I got jealous of Toe and his AI date porn.
So last night I went on a date with a Roomba. It totally sucked. :facepalm:
-
;D ;D ;D
-
I got jealous of Toe and his AI date porn.
So last night I went on a date with a Roomba. It totally sucked. :facepalm:
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
Woo.
-
Hey guys, here's a joke to piss us off especially if we're sick. At least it worked for Allan.
Why do women feel so much pain during childbirth? So we know what it's like when men catch the flu!!
-
My favorite Harry Caray joke:
DEMPSTER: Absolutely. And he told me a great story one time was he said they were driving to the field together. They were carpooling down, and Harry was doing about 90 on the Edens. He was flying to the field, and he got pulled over. And Pat's like, oh, you're in trouble here. He says, (imitating Harry Caray) hey, pal, I'm a broadcaster for the Cubs.
I'm never in trouble, all right?
(LAUGHTER)
DEMPSTER: (Imitating Harry Caray) You watch this. I'll get out of this ticket. No problem. So the police officer shows up, he pulls up to the car. And he, you know, he says, can I get your license and registration? And Harry says, (imitating Harry Caray) you know, Officer, I would give you that but this is a stolen car.
(LAUGHTER)
DEMPSTER: So he says, sir, you mind getting out of the vehicle? At this point, he kind of starts to sense something's going on. He says is there anything else you want tell me? He's like, (imitating Harry Caray) to be honest with you, I've got a loaded gun in the glove compartment. But he says, all right, sir. He's like, you know, come on out here. He gets him out of the car. And he says, is there anything else?
I'm going to call my partner in here. Is there anything else you want to tell me? He's like, (imitating Harry Caray) you know, if we're going to get right down to it, officer, I have a dead body in the trunk and I'm on a little bit of a timeline here.
DEMPSTER: So now they got Harry and Pat and they're over by the car and the trunk of the car and this cop's going through the car. And then all of a sudden, his partner comes up to him. He says, hey, Mr. Caray, can I talk to you? And he says (imitating Harry Caray) what is it, Officer? He says, well my partner said that you said this was a stolen car.
It's registered to you. He said you have a loaded gun in the glove compartment. There's nothing in there but insurance papers. And he said you have a dead body in the trunk and all you have in there is golf clubs. And he looks the cop in the eye. He says, (imitating Harry Caray), let me guess, that son of a bitch was going to tell you I was speeding too.
-
Four men are in line at the Pearly Gates. The first man is called forward:
Saint Peter asks: Son, how did you die?
Man 1: I was dating a woman, whose husband was coming up the stairs to their apartment, so I jumped out of the fourth floor window.
Peter: Son, did you know she was married?
Man 1: Honestly, no.
Peter, flipping through the Book: No lie there, you may enter.
The man enters Heaven.
Saint Peter calls the second man forward.
Peter: How did you die?
Man 2: Well I heard my girlfriend talking to a man, and so I hid in the fridge. I could not breath and died.
Peter: Did you know she was involved with anyone or married?
Man 2: I swear, I did not know she was married or had a boyfriend.
Peter, consulting the Book: All true, you may enter.
The second man enters Heaven.
Saint Peter calls forth the third man.
Peter: How did you die?
Third man: Well I was walking along the side walk in front of my girlfriends building, when a man falls and hits the ground beside me. I thanked god that I was not killed, and then I get flatten by a fridge.
Peter, astonished consults the book again: Son, would this girlfriend be a beautiful blonde woman?
Third man: Yes sir, she said we were going on a trip together.
Peter, completely flabbergasted by this situation: Son, did you know if she was seeing anyone else or possibly could be married?
Third man: No, she told me I was her one and only.
The book confirms the truth.
Peter: Son, I can send you back, or let you go into heaven. It seems it was not your time to go.
The third man looks behind him at the angry hulking bruiser of a man.
Third man: I would like to go back please.
Peter makes a phone call, and seconds later the third man vanishes in a puff of smoke.
Peter sees the angry giant of a man, and calls for two angels to act as bodyguards.
Peter: Fourth man please come forward.
The fourth man come up, each steps shakes the clouds under him.
Peter: How did you die sir?
The fourth man: I got off work early, so I decided to come straight home after swearing off drinking and fighting. I wanted to tell my wife that not only did I get promoted and a big raise, but I also won the lottery. So I come home to find a bunch of strange men's clothes. I got mad. Trying to calm my self down, I walked to my fridge, and reached in to grab a beer, and the fridge whined when I opened the door. Inside I seen a man, who was naked and blue all over. So I picked up the fridge, and in my rage, I must of killed my wife, and tossed the fridge out the window.
Saint Peter makes a phone call and Lucifer answers from his desk.
Peter: Hey Lucifer, is there a pretty blonde in line in hell?
Lucifer: Yeah, she's waiting to get in, and boy does she belong here, she is just fucking everyone in line, left and right.
Peter, now realizing the fourth man heard every word: I think you might want to run...
Lucifer: Why...? and the line goes dead.
The fourth man is nowhere to be found. Saint Peter grabs a broom and sweeps the walkway of clouds...
And if that did not make you laugh, here is one that is a little off base...
Four ducks enter the bar.
They take a seat on their stools, the bartender notices that they look exhausted and takes their order:
First duck: My name is Huey
Bartender: So was it a rough day, and what are you drinking?
First duck: I want a Cosmopolitan, It was a good day, I was in and out of puddles the whole day!
Bartender fixes the drink, and approaches the second duck
Bartender: Man you look worn out, what are you having?
Second duck: My name is Luey, and I want a Gin and Tonic. But yeah man I was in and out of puddles all day too.
The bartender makes the drink and approaches the third duck.
Bartender: Let me guess, your name is Dewey, so what are you drinking?
Third duck: Yeah, and I will have a White Russian. Man it was a hard day, of going in and out of puddles, I am so worn out.
The Bartender fixes his drink, and then approaches the fourth duck.
Bartender: So, what's your name, and what will it be?
The fourth duck batting her eyelashes: My name is Puddles. I will have a wine spritzer.
-
The fourth duck batting her eyelashes: My name is Puddles. I will have a wine spritzer.
Woo for that my friend.
-
The fourth duck batting her eyelashes: My name is Puddles. I will have a wine spritzer.
Woo for that my friend.
Thank you kindly. I am glad I read all those old issues of Easyrider. They has some good jokes in them.
Like:
How do lesbian bikers build a house?
The tongue and groove method.
also that joke about the biker chick talking to her mom I posted elsewhere came from Easy rider a long time ago.
I have more, but I do not think they will inspire a laugh.
-
Wildly inappropriate children’s book… Tony’s Nuts. I dare you not to laugh.
https://youtu.be/ielt_9SyyH0 (https://youtu.be/ielt_9SyyH0)
-
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a sea-saw. :D :facepalm:
-
The fourth duck batting her eyelashes: My name is Puddles. I will have a wine spritzer.
Woo from me too. Hilarious :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Sorta like first dirty joke I heard as a grade schooler...from my little sister.
Boy comes into class late. Teacher asked where he'd been. On top of Blueberry Hill. Well take your seat and be on time tomorrow says the.teacher.
This happens with two more boys, same answer, on top of Blueberry Hill. Same response from the teacher.
Next a new girl to the school walks in. Teacher welcomes her and asks her name. I'm Blueberry Hill, ma'am.
Footnote: All I could think at tender age was dogpile. Much later in life, as in young adult I recalled the old joke and realized it was a dirty joke. Only took a few decades but I finally got it. :facepalm:
-
I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill. I think that was a Fats Domino song.
-
Yes it was. Song was out about same time I heard the joke.
-
Last night (July 11th) still blowing up our block. The Fourth is over idiots!
If these fools come any closer to my house they're going to set my Christmas decorations on fire. :emot_banghead: :emot_banghead: :emot_banghead:
Oh my god Bob, I can not stop laughing!!
-
How does a computer get drunk?
Too many screenshots.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/x1aBXO2.jpg)
-
I bought a new sweater but kept getting shocks from static electricity.
I took it back to the store and they gave me another one free of charge.
-
He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates.
St Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned. “I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involve a lot of paperwork… but sure. You've got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.”
Ralph never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn't be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence.
Ralph replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. “So, you're the new hen, eh? How's your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!”
“You're ovulating,” explained the rooster.
“Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just cluck twice and then push.”
Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting the bed!!!”
-
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting the bed!!!”
My grandmother said, “Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.”
-
Ever wonder why Star Wars movies #4, #5 and #6 came out before #1, #2 and #3?
Because... in charge of production, Yoda was.
-
I recently spent $6,500 on a registered Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him.
He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.
-
Evil pills 😱🤣
-
Why don't they just put Holy Water in vaccines?
Because you're not supposed to take the Lord's name in vein.
-
Why don't they just put Holy Water in vaccines?
Because you're not supposed to take the Lord's name in vein.
You win the Internet today. Best dad joke I’ve heard in awhile.
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/rJoKBxi.jpg)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/rJoKBxi.jpg)
It wouldn’t be the first time. LOL. Woo.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/rJoKBxi.jpg)
And a woo for making me LOL. ;D ;D ;D
-
Did you know I was once kidnapped by a gang of evil mimes?
I still shudder at the memory.
The things they did to me were just... unspeakable.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/UIIwbje.jpg)
-
A sampling of third grade humor *
Question 1: How do you cut up an ocean?
Question 2: What has four wheels, a bad smell and flies?
Question 3: What's big and red and eats rocks?
Answer 1: With a sea saw, of course.
Answer 2: A garbage truck.
Answer 3: Duh. A big red rock eater.
* Not intended as a commentary about the maturity level of any of KB's paying members.
-
I swallowed a load of scrabble tiles a couple of hours ago. There might be some vowel movement soon, but if I have to rush to the toilet it could spell disaster.
I'll get my coat...... :facepalm:
-
A sampling of third grade humor *
* Not intended as a commentary about the maturity level of any of KB's paying members.
I can't remember when I first heard it, maybe in fifth or sixth grade, but I still remember this silly riddle:
What's long and thin,
Covered in skin,
Red in parts,
Stuffed in tarts.
Ans: Rhubarb
~ Hilda the Humorless ~
-
How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A Brazilian!
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeee
-
A man showed up at a costume party, carrying a woman on his back. She was dressed, he was naked.
The host looked at him for a long time and finally said, "I give up. What are you supposed to be? And why is there a woman on your back?"
The naked man said, "I'm a turtle." Using his thumb to point at the woman on his back, he added, "And that's Michelle."
-
blonde moment here, ???
-
Like Staci said. Thinking there's some song involved that I don't know. Help us out Purple. ???
-
That’s MY SHELL. Jeezus.
-
:facepalm:
The Beetle's song was going through my head but the connection never clicked. Dang that's funny... but a lot of work.
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
That’s MY SHELL. Jeezus.
What kind of Turtle was it?
???
-
That’s MY SHELL. Jeezus.
What kind of Turtle was it?
???
Soft shelled. :emot_laughing:
-
(sorry, not sorry for the pun-ishment above.) :emot_laughing:
My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus.
I am not only shocked, but alarmed, appalled, aghast and bewildered.
-
So I talk to myself.
And... sometimes we laugh and laugh. :emot_laughing:
-
I called the doctor. "Doctor, my wife is in labor. What should I do?"
Doctor said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "No, this is her husband."
-
(sorry, not sorry for the pun-ishment above.) :emot_laughing:
My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus.
I am not only shocked, but alarmed, appalled, aghast and bewildered.
Still laughing about my shell.
Liked thesaurus joke also.
As for the last joke, I'm willing to bet that Mrs Purple Shoes has referred to you as "acting like a 5 year old" at some time (probably many) since you've been together, so I understand the doctors confusion.
-
You overestimate me MJ, but your point is valid. She says I act like a 2-year-old whenever I don't get my way. ;D
-
How does my dad count his neighbors new cows?
With a cow-culator!
I think his facial expressions and big goofy grin make me laugh even harder.
-
What happens if you eat aluminum foil?
You sheet metal.
Did you hear about the man who evaporated?
He'll be mist.
My grammar checker auto-corrected the sentence immediately above this one, with this message:
Possible word confusion
‘mist’ (thin fog) seems less likely than ‘missed’ (past of ‘miss’).
Stupid grammar checker.
-
So has this thread turned into dad joke of the day?
Hear about the guy who fell down the well?
--Apparently he couldn't see that well?
And
My dad and his girlfriend joined a gym. They want to make sure their relationship works out!
-
Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf?
In case they get a hole in one.
-
When you die, what's the last body part to go?
The pupils.
They dilate.
-
You need to be PUN-ished.
-
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.
-
Such a bad dad joke
-
How is MJ like a pinky toe?
She's small, she's cute, and somebody might bang her on a coffee table
Had to use somebody else. Felt too conceded using me in the joke
-
And people wonder why I have 2 coffee tables in the family room. Only KB members knows the real reason.
Woo 1414 to S
-
A family were staying at a nudist camp for their vacation.
The young son came back to the tent and said, "Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls. They've got these HUGE..."
"Yes, well," his mother sniffs. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."
Next day the boy comes back to the tent again. "You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there. They have these HUGE..."
"Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man."
"Really?" the boy said, frowning with puzzlement. "We might be in trouble, Mom."
"Why, honey?"
"Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."
-
Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute.
Story of my life. Woo. :emot_laughing:
-
I went to a beekeeper and asked him for 12 bees. He gave me 13 bees and said the extra one was a freebie
-
Dang Toe... didn't know whether to groan or laugh...so I laughed. :emot_laughing:
-
An eye roll and a good laugh from me. I'd woo you, but gotta wait 💋
-
I lost my mood ring and don't know how to feel about it.
I made a pun about the wind, but it blows.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
-
I have a music playlist just for hiking.
Artists include The Peanuts, The Cranberries and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
-
Got to work this morning and my coworker asked if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said I didnt know any of the did.
-
Got to work this morning and my coworker asked if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said I didnt know any of the did.
Funny!
-
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer, bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
-
I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’
-
A cop pulls over a motorist…
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
-
One of my writing instructors in college told the class we didn't need to worry about spelling because we can always rely on autocorrect.
For that I will be infernally grapefruit.
-
One day, in the Old West, there was a bitter battle going on between a squad of calvary soldiers and American Indians. At the very end of the battle, the lone surviving soldier was captured. He was taken to the Chief.
The Chief told him that he has three days to live after which they will put him to death. But he can have one wish per day.
On the first day, he asked to have his horse brought to him. He whispered something in the horse's ear and off the horse galloped. Two hours later the horse returns with a blonde woman riding on it. The Indians looked at each other in puzzlement.
On the second day, he again asked to have his horse brought to him. Again, he whispered into the horse's ear and off the horse galloped. Two hours later the horse returns but this time a woman with red hair was riding it. The Indians, again, looked at each other in puzzlement.
On the third and final day, the soldier again asked that his horse be brought to him. Instead of whispering into the horse's ear like he did before, he shouted, POSSE, I said POSSE.
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/HrNkyiM.jpg)
-
Woos for the last three joketellers.
I hope you are all infernally grapefruit. ;)
-
When the genie asked me what I wanted with my one and only wish, I thought long and hard about it.
Finally I said, "All I've really ever wanted is just to be happy."
So now, I work in the mines and live with six dwarves.
-
When the genie asked me what I wanted with my one and only wish, I thought long and hard about it.
Finally I said, "All I've really ever wanted is just to be happy."
So now, I work in the mines and live with six dwarves.
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
And you don't even get laid, cos the tall guy sweeps the girl away :D
-
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
Made me laugh. Great day starter.
-
:emot_laughing: It's all about perspective.
For some reason that reminded me of a Tom Leher song called Smut (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5G33fniLwro).
When correctly viewed,
Everything is lewd.
I could tell you things about Peter Pan,
And the Wizard of Oz - there's a dirty old man!
(Tom Leher was a Harvard mathematician and one of the funniest guys I've ever heard perform. What's amazing is that most of his stuff was recorded in the sixties and seventies and so much is still relevant today. Who's Next (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CggK5Jbia7w), a song about nuclear proliferation is an example, and so is National Brotherhood Week (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEGRsE1Fubw))
-
When the genie asked me what I wanted with my one and only wish, I thought long and hard about it.
Finally I said, "All I've really ever wanted is just to be happy."
So now, I work in the mines and live with six dwarves.
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
And you don't even get laid, cos the tall guy sweeps the girl away :D
Not in my version ;D
https://spankbang.com/2838q/video/snow+white+part+1+1995
-
Planet Earth is 70% water, none of which is carbonated.
Ergo, the Planet Earth is flat.
-
not a joke, but the funniest and dumbest shit I just heard from my Mom:
My mom called me to tell me my goodie two shoes, never does wrong, mild as mother's milk younger cousin is in jail. She is laying in the hospital, having had the cancerous part of her female parts removed, trying to maintain focus, and her mother calls her.
So the story is, my cousin Charlie, is in jail. I asked mom what he did. He did not tell his mom, or my grandma. So I get the call from his fiancee after my mom hangs up. Apparently he was supposed to attend a formal dinner with her and her folks. Now this kid is a genuine good kid. Hes in his mid 20's graduated college and is supposed to marry the daughter of the owner of a hospital group where he lives. Now I bear no grudge against him, as his family was the measuring stick my grandmother used to judge the rest of the family. So I call his brother, and this is the story, I am not supposed to tell anyone in the family.
Charlie does not want to get married. Not because shes a bad person, not because his sexuality changed. He does not want to be around her father. This boy is sheltered, like we would play as kids and I and my siblings could not use words like "blood, murder, I shot you, etc." around him, as my stick in the mud aunt would have words with us about it. Truly sheltered. So he had never been around any real aggression before. No fights, no bullies, just a truly cloistered kid. So when her dad said "You hurt my daughter and I will kill you." He took it literally, and is now terrified of the man.
So I call the jail where he is, as I had to help him move there when he was in college. He said he was in jail on assault charges. I was like "right." So I ask him to put me on with the attending officer in the jail, or someone in charge, thinking I would have to bail him out. Nope, no charges, he fucking paid a cop 250 bucks to lock him up. I heard that and my mind went to Carlin's joke about fucking for virginity. I said how fucking stupid do you have to be, to pay to be arrested? it was the dumbest shit I heard of. Like mind blown kind of levels of stupidity. I said, why didn't you just tell her, instead of doing the dumbest shit ever. I mean they wont hold you but for a few hours, then you are going to have to be released, and then when your fiancee asks about it, shes going to use daddy's money to get you a lawyer, and he is going to find out there was no charges, and then what? you going to LIE about assault charges? I called him everything I could think of. I said arrests are PUBLIC RECORDS. they even print them in the newspaper, you know, that thing people buy to go with their morning coffee? I asked if he forgotten my criminal history, because those real to life stories were not pleasant. When they nabbed me in the junk yard, they roughed me up a little when the rape word was uttered. And I was a dumb teen then. He started crying, and I told him the only saving grace for this is to tell the truth to her and her dad, be the but of every family joke at her parents house and suck it up, buttercup, because honestly there is no path to freedom in this that is not covered in thorns or sharp rocks.
So yeah, thats the phone call I had about 20 minutes ago.
-
Planet Earth is 70% water, none of which is carbonated.
Ergo, the Planet Earth is flat.
Essentially almost all of it is carbonated. Anyplace where water is in contact with the atmosphere there is an equilibrium between CO2 gas and carbonate in the water. In acidic waters, the CO3= ion forms H2CO3 (carbonic acid) which is the liquid product of CO2 gas and H2O. As pH rises, one or 2 of the H+ ions leave, creating bicarbonate or carbonate ion.
With enough carbonate in the water and some dissolved calcium, calcium carbonate will precipitate from solution. This happens above pH 8.3 or so, which is why all lakes, rivers, and the ocean is at about pH 8.2 (other ions do their thing also).
To get a lot of carbonation, CO2 gas is bubbled into water and the system is then sealed under pressure. When the pressure is reduced (you open the bottle), CO2 gas bubbles form and fizz. But that is not a “natural” phenomena.
-
So I call the jail where he is, as I had to help him move there when he was in college. He said he was in jail on assault charges. I was like "right." So I ask him to put me on with the attending officer in the jail, or someone in charge, thinking I would have to bail him out. Nope, no charges, he fucking paid a cop 250 bucks to lock him up.
There is no further need for lawyers, etc. No charges means nothing for a lawyer to do.
He needs to drop this relationship. I had two engagements with the daughters of “the biggest VIP in town.” Very unpleasant, unless you enjoy sucking cock. He will spend a lot of time on his knees.
-
Planet Earth is 70% water, none of which is carbonated.
Ergo, the Planet Earth is flat.
Essentially almost all of it is carbonated. Anyplace where water is in contact with the atmosphere there is an equilibrium between CO2 gas and carbonate in the water. In acidic waters, the CO3= ion forms H2CO3 (carbonic acid) which is the liquid product of CO2 gas and H2O. As pH rises, one or 2 of the H+ ions leave, creating bicarbonate or carbonate ion.
With enough carbonate in the water and some dissolved calcium, calcium carbonate will precipitate from solution. This happens above pH 8.3 or so, which is why all lakes, rivers, and the ocean is at about pH 8.2 (other ions do their thing also).
To get a lot of carbonation, CO2 gas is bubbled into water and the system is then sealed under pressure. When the pressure is reduced (you open the bottle), CO2 gas bubbles form and fizz. But that is not a “natural” phenomena.
:emot_weird: Say whut?
-
Planet Earth is 70% water, none of which is carbonated.
Ergo, the Planet Earth is flat.
The earth my not be flat, but this joke sure landed that way...
🎵🎶🎵
Way to go pornhubby
Every party needs a pooper that why we invited you porn-hubbyyyy, porn-hubbyyy
🎵🎶🎵
-
So I call the jail where he is, as I had to help him move there when he was in college. He said he was in jail on assault charges. I was like "right." So I ask him to put me on with the attending officer in the jail, or someone in charge, thinking I would have to bail him out. Nope, no charges, he fucking paid a cop 250 bucks to lock him up.
There is no further need for lawyers, etc. No charges means nothing for a lawyer to do.
He needs to drop this relationship. I had two engagements with the daughters of “the biggest VIP in town.” Very unpleasant, unless you enjoy sucking cock. He will spend a lot of time on his knees.
Allow me to be blunt. He was raised as a fucking pussy. His mother is my maternal aunt, and of my mom's 3 siblings, she rose the highest in life. this kid cant deal like us who had to scrape and fight for ours. He did not initiate the relationship, it was my aunt and the girls mother, who, while separated by distance, ran in the same social circles. The problem is, the poor girl is actually not in the princess mentality, an actual down to earth hard working rich girl, a rare monster. I actually want them to marry, because maybe the little pansy will nut up and get some world sense. But its all in his bucket now. I think its pretty shitty to try and burn her like he tried to do though. Yeah, that was what made me go brain dead a little, since the little asshole never even gotten a speeding ticket, so how was this supposed to play out in his head? he gets a fake criminal record and her parents call off the marriage? dont work like that in reality. doesnt work like that at all. Thats why I am laughing my ass off even after waking up this morning. Maybe he needs a few years on his knees to wise up to the world.
-
Yeah, that was what made me go brain dead a little, since the little asshole never even gotten a speeding ticket, so how was this supposed to play out in his head? he gets a fake criminal record and her parents call off the marriage? dont work like that in reality. doesnt work like that at all. Thats why I am laughing my ass off even after waking up this morning. Maybe he needs a few years on his knees to wise up to the world.
In Texas, a “criminal record” requires being charged with a crime. We don’t keep track of arrests. Only charged offenses are put into the system.
-
Yeah, that was what made me go brain dead a little, since the little asshole never even gotten a speeding ticket, so how was this supposed to play out in his head? he gets a fake criminal record and her parents call off the marriage? dont work like that in reality. doesnt work like that at all. Thats why I am laughing my ass off even after waking up this morning. Maybe he needs a few years on his knees to wise up to the world.
In Texas, a “criminal record” requires being charged with a crime. We don’t keep track of arrests. Only charged offenses are put into the system.
I figured, but still the history making dumbest thing I ever heard. I am not challenging what you are saying, im pointing out the stupidity in a poorly thought out plan to dip from an engagement, that would ultimately hurt a nice woman, over being a chicken shit. Hell if I ran from every death threat my wife's father made at me, I would still be running to this day. I spent hard earned money going to the very nice engagement party with my wife, I met the family and all that. Her father was being a typical father of a girl, not one ounce of hostility. Actually might be a better father than me, to be honest, since his daughter did not turn out to be a rich bitch princess. Because fuck making threats, I made my oldest daughter's first boyfriend piss himself in my front yard. I was sharpening my bowie knife on the porch when she brought him to meet me. Told him I got a place on my living room wall for his nuts if he does not bring her back in the same condition she left my house in. Boy almost died on the spot. It was worth my wife's wrath and sleeping on the couch that night.
-
Those jokes are terrible guys... 😏
-
Agreed. Must be another topic here that fits better.
-
Agreed. Must be another topic here that fits better.
I thought it was a dumb funny to share, I apologize.
A Horse walks into a bar.....
-
Moishe invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful Moishe's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Moishe and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Moishe and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Moishe volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Julie came to Moishe and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?'”
Moishe said, “Well, I doubt it but I’ll write her an email just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote, “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house and I’m not saying you did not take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”
A few days later Moishe received an email from his mother which read, “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you do sleep with Julie and I’m not saying that you do not sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.”
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
WOO
-
I think I have posted this one before, but it always makes me laugh:
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."
-
I remember this one. Still funny and I laughed at it again. :emot_laughing:
-
Not a joke, but it made me laugh. From Quora:
As a doctor, what is the best lie a patient has ever told you?
My dad was a doctor. Once, a lady visited his clinic with the complaint that she had something stuck in her vagina. She explained that she went to a club, the light in the toilet was broken, someone had left the seat down and had left something on the seat… and she had accidentally sat on it. “O…K…” said my father, “we had better remove this object.”
He spread her legs on the examination table, and duly extracted one of the largest carrots he had ever seen.
So the moral of this story, ladies, is: if you go to a nightclub and the lights in the toilet are not working ALWAYS check the toilet seat for carrots, before you sit down.
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
That's worth a WOO!!! :emot_laughing:
-
...I tripped and fell in the produce section at the store...
-
...I tripped and fell in the produce section at the store...
I gave you a woo for that. My son worked in the produce department of a large grocery store for several years, during the pandemic. He said that it was not uncommon to see housewives fondling the produce. Hefting it in their hands, looking at the girth and length, and no doubt fantasizing about the salad they planned to make when they got home with it.
-
Me (at the breakfast table one morning): I have a major crush on Beyonce.
My wife (rolling her eyes): Whatever floats your boat.
Me: No, that's Buoyancy.
-
"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
-
Well I guess that's one and a half woos. Two chuckles to start my day. One to Purple and half for Toe...got the 24 hour error message when I tried to WOO him.
-
"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
[/q
That's funny
-
A blonde walks into her doctor's office.
The doctor asks her what is the problem.
She touches her head and tells him it hurts.
She then touches her chest and says it hurts there too.
She even touches her leg and tells him that it hurts there also.
What do you think is causing it, doctor?
You have a broken finger, replied the doctor. ;D
-
Woo for that. :emot_laughing:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/jGtueKd.jpg)
-
One day an old couple were sitting alone on a hill, all around the bottom of the hill was their large family.
A newcomer to the family, a fiancee to one of their great-great grandchildren asks the old man:
"Sir, how did you manage to grow such a large family from nothing?"
Smiling, the old man said:
"I will show you how. First, wheel me to that lake over there."
The young man did so, while listening to the old man drone on, not really paying attention.
Once at the lake, the old man pointed to an apple tree on a small island. The apples were ripe, and ready to eat.
But the old man droned on and on, finally ending with: "I would like to share those apples with the family."
The young man found a basket, and since they were swimming in the pool nearby, he was still in his bathing suit. The young man was shocked, as he hit the cold water.
He swam the best he could, with the basket, in the cold water. After working hard for an hour, he managed to clear the tree of apples, and struggled to make it back.
After leading the young man around his land, having him do the tasks he used to when he was young, the young man was fed up.
"Sir, I asked you teach me how to grow a family as large as yours, not to teach me how to do chores." The young man broke down.
"But I did teach you how I did it, I taught you the most important secret of it all." The old man said, eating the fresh baked apple pie slice.
"But what was it? All you did was ramble on and on."
"Well son, I predict with that attitude, your wife will absolutely destroy you."
"How?"
"You don't listen worth a shit."
"Huh?"
"Look here, when we were leaving the hill, that there was a paved path that would have made the journey easier to the lake. Once at the lake, I told you about the path to the foot bridge that would make it very easy to get the apples instead of swimming in the always near freezing water. At the storehouse I told you to fill a five gallon bucket full of flour, instead of toting a hundred pound bag of flour. I told you we had fresh eggs in the fridge on the patio, instead of you having to get your ass kicked by the rooster. I was telling you how to do it easily, everything I asked, and yet you set off like a bull. You wont stay married long going on like that."
The young man broke.
The moral of the joke: Listen to your wife/spouse, even if it sounds inane. It might just make things easier.
-
I think you meant to say, "You don‘t listen worth a shit."
-
I think you meant to say, "You don‘t listen worth a shit."
yeah, thank you PH!
-
What does an attorney wear to work?
Well, duh. A law suit.
-
One year, I taped a bunch of statutes to my suit for Halloween and wore my “lawsuit” to the office party.
-
Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this, but your DNA is backwards.
Me: AND?
-
A woman brings her limp pet duck to her veterinarian. The vet checks the duck out and pronounces it dead. The woman asks her vet if he is sure the duck is dead and not just stunned or something. The vet excuses himself and leaves the room.
A few minutes later the vet returns with a beautiful black Labrador dog. The dog jumps up, puts its paws on the table, sniffs the duck all over and, with sad eyes, looks ate the vet. The vet and dog then leaves the room.
Soon the vet enters with a cat. The cat leaps up onto the table, sniffs the limp duck all over, meows, jumps down and both the vet and cat leave the room.
When the vet again enters the room he tells the lady the duck is dead and it will be $150. for the examination.
$150. cries the lady. Why so much? The vet answers that initially he was going to charge her $30 for his examination but the Lab report costs $60 and the cat scan costs another $60. ;D
-
I stopped today at a road side stand that said lobster tails $2. So I paid my $2 and the guy said "Once upon a time, there was this lobster ...
-
I stopped today at a road side stand that said lobster tails $2. So I paid my $2 and the guy said "Once upon a time, there was this lobster ...
LOL.
Mason’s Famous Lobster Rolls. To die for. Better than sex. $25 with 1.5 lbs of lobster in every roll.
(https://www.masonslobster.com/application/files/cache/thumbnails/2626c857ff244d2951697c3e9ed3a242.png)
-
I stopped today at a road side stand that said lobster tails $2. So I paid my $2 and the guy said "Once upon a time, there was this lobster ...
LOL.
Mason’s Famous Lobster Rolls. To die for. Better than sex. $25 with 1.5 lbs of lobster in every roll.
(https://www.masonslobster.com/application/files/cache/thumbnails/2626c857ff244d2951697c3e9ed3a242.png)
Looks delicious.
I found out something fucked up when I went up north to visit my in-laws a few years ago: The actually serve lobster rolls at McDonald's in New England during summer.
-
What do you call a Roman who has allergies?
Julius Sneezer.
-
I was snuggling up to this guy under a blanket a while back. While we watched this movie I reached under the blanket and into his pants. With shock, I whispered to him.
"You've got the biggest dick I ever wrapped my hands around."
He said "you're pulling my leg"
-
He said "you're pulling my leg"
Sorry, you can't repeat a karma action without waiting 24 hours.
-
Dentist appointment today. They are so annoying. Every time he dentist tells me to open wide, and I have to keep telling him.
I can't! This chair has arms.
-
I wanted to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork.
I think I nailed it.
Unfortunately, nobody saw it.
(tap, tap) Hello? Is this thing on?
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
(tap, tap) Hello? Is this thing on?
Screw that! I laughed.
-
Too many pins...think I'll go get hammered. :facepalm:
-
WOO to the one-liners. ;D ;D
(https://i.postimg.cc/85mnySd2/drumbeat.gif)
-
WOO to the one-liners. ;D ;D
(https://i.postimg.cc/85mnySd2/drumbeat.gif)
Here's some more "one (or two) liners for you, Watcher.
I used to think I was indecisive.
..... But now I’m not so sure.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge.
..... We’ll see about that.
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
..... I don’t know and I don’t care.
I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers here.”
..... A time traveler walks into a bar.
There are three kinds of people in this world.
..... Those who can count and those who can’t.
You know what they say about cliffhangers…
Pavlov walks into a bar.
..... The phone rings, and he says, “Darn! I forgot to feed the dog.”
-
Guaranteed to offend someone!
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked Mobile Road Service van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
-
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
And that got you the Woo. Are you an Aussie Hoss? Because you sound like one. Lol.
-
Yep...sure am... 8)
-
Somewhere between all of those is a woo :D
-
Thanks Hoss. What a wonderful happy way to start a Monday morning. A WOO of course! :D
-
A non aussie here, but what are Paddies?
Three men and a young boy are on a boat in the middle of the lake. The sun has just started to rise and the fish are biting.
The boy is just starting to notice girls, and seeks advice from the older men on how to tell if a girl likes you.
"If she punches you every time she sees you, then she likes you." The boys Uncle says while baiting his hook.
"If she wont leave you the fuck alone, then she likes you." The boys oldest cousin says while reeling in a fish.
"If she thinks you are some sort of superman, who does no wrong. Then she likes you." His father said, while sipping his coffee.
Three weeks later..
The three men gather for one last fishing trip of the season. The boy, who always loves to go fishing is notably absent.
"So where is the kid?" The cousin asks, as they load the gear and hitch the boat trailer to the truck.
"Well the idiot found the girl of his young dreams. First he lets her punch him, not knowing her daddy was teaching her boxing and she dislocated his jaw." The father recalls the tale.
"Then the girl started following him around, which freaked him out, as he couldn't deal with it, so the took off on his bike out into traffic, which, by the grace of god, he only broke his arm and leg."
"And to top it off, some older boys were hassling the girl, and he tried stepping up, while his jaw was hurting, his arm and leg were busted to save her. He fought hard, but was dropped by the girls wild punch." The father finished.
"So what happened next?" The Uncle asked.
"We signed the marriage certificate." The father said shaking his head before they headed out.
-
A non aussie here, but what are Paddies?
A now somewhat derogatory term, along with Mick, for those of the Irish persuasion. Paddy is a diminutive of Patrick, which is assumed by stereotypers to be the most common male first name in Ireland as well as their patron saint.
Woo to Hoss BTW.
-
A Native American youth unexpectedly found himself alone with his mother and decided to ask her about something that had been bothering him.
"Mother," he said, "Is it true that you named my brother Leaping Deer because that's the first thing you saw after he was born?"
"Yes, that is true," his mother replied.
"Is it true that you named my sister Sunlit Sky because that's the first thing you saw after she was born?"
"Yes, my son that is also true," his mother said patiently. "But tell me, why are you asking such questions, Pooping Dog?"
-
A non aussie here, but what are Paddies?
A now somewhat derogatory term, along with Mick, for those of the Irish persuasion. Paddy is a diminutive of Patrick, which is assumed by stereotypers to be the most common male first name in Ireland as well as their patron saint.
Woo to Hoss BTW.
Not so long ago, in major U.S. cities where there were large concentrations of Irish Americans, the police force would have a vehicle that was used to haul multiple people that had been arrested. Sometimes they even hauled bodies to the morgue. The unofficial name given to these vehicles was Paddy wagon.
WOO to the latest batch of joke posters.
-
PEEING ON MY FLOWERS
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
-
PEEING ON MY FLOWERS
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist:
While you were arguing about what was in the glass, I drank it.
The Opportunist ;D
-
A Shiek offered anyone who could swim the length of his Olympic size pool $25,000,000. There were three takers: a Frenchman. an American and an Englishman.
Just as they were taking their places at one end of the pool, the Shiek nods to his assistant, who then opens a gate in which two great white sharks swim out of into the pool.
The Frenchman runs away.
The American faints.
The Englishman dives into the water and swims the fastest anyone has ever seen to the other end and exits the pool the winner.
When questioned how he could dive into a pool with sharks in it and swim across it as fast as he did, the Englishman replied, "Who is the asshole who pushed me in". ;D ;D
-
;D ;D - wait…….?
-
What is an eggs favorite song to sing? Eggs dont sing silly?
Do you know why I knock on the fridge door before opening it? In case there us salad dressing.
What do you get when you cross a polar bear and a seal? A polar bear.
-
Dad's going to start a business to help short people with math. He's going to call it "the small things count"
-
Always make sure one in the relationship has good credit.
That one is what they call the Significant Other.
(sign-if-i-can't)
-
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
-
I bought some shoes from a drug-dealer; I don't know what he did to the laces because I was trippin! 8)
-
Pilot friend told me this joke.
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 767, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 767 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly):
"Yes, twice in 1944. But it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
-
Being kissed while you're asleep is one of the purest forms of love.
Well, unless you're in prison.
-
My ex-girlfriend just called and told me she wants us to get back together again.
Wow! I'm so lucky I can't believe it.
First I win the lottery and now Amanda wants me back!
-
How many rich movie stars does it take to screw in a light bulb?
none, they screw in hot tubs, not light bulbs.
This happened the other night when I dived back into an online multiplayer game for the first time in months:
Apparently two "gamer" girls were locked in a heated space battle with each other.
One was a twitch streamer, the other not.
Their conversation in chat goes like this:
Girl 1: Ugh, die already, my viewers are leaving.
Girl 2: If you were not trash, you would have beaten me already.
Girl 1: Don't be jealous, just because I have what it takes to get the boys to watch.
Girl 2: Sure, being a vapid slut sure does bring the views.
Girl 1: Jealous, much?
Girl 2: Nope, just better than you.
Girl 1: not in any life.
Girl 2: Its really simple, I can say one thing to win this fight.
Girl 1: What?
By this point the server was watching this exchange, some cheering for the streamer, while others were trolling or not giving a damned, taking pot shots in passing at them. Girl 2 stopped talking entirely for a good chunk of the fight. When the fight was all but won by the streamer girl, girl two enters chat with a link. Following the link brought you to a private stream of the girl riding a symbian while playing the game.
In the girls private stream, she asks anyone watching who is playing the same game to help her if they wanted. The first fifty guys to show up to help will get a free full video of her getting railed by her toys.
Girl 1: Any last words?
Girl 2: Only 4
Girl 1: What are they?
Girl 2: Pound my ass Daddy!
The game descended into utter chaos as fleets of horny men flooded the area of the fight and totally decimated the first girl. It was not even fair.
I tell this story as I fap to a real nerd college girl getting pounded by a machine.
An old saying my grandmother used to tell the girls in my family...
"Sometimes a woman's blessed with beauty and a body. Sometimes though the best of the gifts a woman can get is a sharp mind..."
-
I donated 4 pints of blood today.
Never doing it again though. They ask way too many questions.
Whose blood is this? Where did you get it from? Why do you have it?
-
Too funny!🤣😂
-
A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesman,: "I want to buy that TV."
The salesman shook his head and said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde left and came back the next day with her hair dyed brown. She told the salesman, "I'll take that TV."
Again the salesman said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
So she left again and came back the following with her hair dyed black and said, "I want that TV."
But the salesman still said: "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked.
The salesman answered: "Because that's a microwave."
-
Very funny, but you just solved why all I get it's static, so the jokes on you!
-
Why was the blonde's belly button sore?
Her boyfriend was blonde too. ;D
-
What do you call a pony with a sore throat.
A little horse. :D
-
Why was the blonde's belly button sore?
Her boyfriend was blonde too. ;D
Miss Bunny: Gomer… Gomer… GOMER!!! That’s not my belly button!
Gomer Pyle: We’ll surprise! Surprise! Surprise! That ain’t my finger either!
-
What's the best reason for having a party at a haunted house?
You'll save money because the ghosts will bring the boos.
:facepalm:
-
What's the best reason for having a party at a haunted house?
You'll save money because the ghosts will bring the boos.
:facepalm:
:emot_laughing:woo
-
Somebody broke into my house and stole ever bit of fruit.
I don't know what to say. I'm peachless.
-
Somebody broke into my house and stole ever bit of fruit.
I don't know what to say. I'm peachless.
Purpleshoes is now KB's King of Comedy. WOO! 8)
-
Purpleshoes is now KB's King of Comedy. WOO! 8)
Thank you sir. You're very kind.
Here's one with our resident counselor (or barrister as Obi might say) in mind.
Genie: I can grant you one wish.
Lawyer: I wish for 100 more---
Genie: You CAN'T wish for MORE wishes. It's not allowed.
Lawyer: (frowns)
Genie: (shrugs)
Lawyer: Can you cite a precedent for---
Genie: Just rephrase your wish. Something that's NOT more wishes.
Lawyer: (smirks)
Genie: (rolls eyes)
Lawyer: I wish for 1000 new GENIES.
Genie: Oh, shit.
New genies: OH, SHIT.
-
My breasts were in the Guinness Book of World Records!
Then the librarian told me to take them out.
-
My breasts were in the Guinness Book of World Records!
Then the librarian told me to take them out.
Woo. :emot_laughing:
-
My breasts were in the Guinness Book of World Records!
Then the librarian told me to take them out.
It didn't happen if there's not a picture.
:emot_laughing: :emot_kiss:
WOO
-
I'm not doubting Shiela. ❤ Just wondering what book her other half was in. **Quickly looks under G for growler** ❤❤
-
I'm not doubting Shiela. ❤ Just wondering what book her other half was in. **Quickly looks under G for growler** ❤❤
You might need to look in the cliterature section.
-
I'm not doubting Shiela. ❤ Just wondering what book her other half was in. **Quickly looks under G for growler** ❤❤
You might need to look in the cliterature section.
;D ;D WOO!
-
I'm not doubting Shiela. ❤ Just wondering what book her other half was in. **Quickly looks under G for growler** ❤❤
You might need to look in the cliterature section.
;D ;D WOO!
Here I was hoping someone would say something about treasure island... oh well...
-
(https://www.hachette.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/hbg-title-9781472126993-64.jpg?fit=776%2C1250)
-
A former limbo champion walked into a bar...
-
One of my first jobs was working at an Indian restaurant. I was required to sign a legal document promising I wouldn't tell anyone about how their round flat leavened bread was made. You know, your typical NDA.
Naan Disclosure Agreement.
-
Naan Disclosure Agreement.
(https://media.tenor.com/z9dGQxhg3pcAAAAC/laugh-laughing.gif)
I live in a heavily Indian populated community and found this very funny. I'll give your woo button a tap. #285.
And where did all those boos come from?
-
Usually, the places that make their own naan are great. But some buy it, and the texture is just too rubbery for me.
-
A guy sees a pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch. He says, "Excuse me, sir, do you realize you have a steering wheel on your crotch?"
The pirate says, "Aye, and it's drivin' me nuts!"
-
Two of the worlds greatest attorneys are called before God.
God says: I have a case for you both to try. If you both can win it, you will be promptly returned to life, and your practices will thrive for a few generations. Fail, and you will spend eternity defending souls bound for hell in trials.
Both men knew how the heavenly justice system works. Every single detail is processed for years under unseen very harsh scrutiny. They both shudder at the prospect of having to defend people bound for hell, since its pretty much a given that God does not make any errors in his judgement. The trials are more to show the condemned what brought them to hell.
Facing the prospect of an eternity of fruitless struggles, the first lawyer shows himself out of the room straight to hell.
God sighs and says: "And you? will you refuse this offer?"
The last lawyer says: No, not until I at least get the basic details.
God begins to give him the details: The son of the devil was ran down while on a major bender of booze, drugs and whores. So someone wants justice.
Interested, the attorney asks: Well who ran him over?
God replies: The Pope.
The attorney: Was he drunk?
God: No.
After a few minutes the lawyer came to his decision.
God: got an answer?
Lawyer: I will do it, but lets make it a public trial.
God: Why?
Lawyer: I want the universe to see how bat shit insane this all is. The ninety year old pope, decides to drive his own car, despite having people who do it for him, who can barely stand long enough to hold mass, and the son of the devil just happens to be in his path at the exact moment. Are you seriously kidding me?
God: Well...
Lawyer: Well what? It was not his time to go, he had that end of the world prophecy thing to do, so how did the son of the devil end up in the Vatican, where I assume there would be no drugs, whores or booze? And who let him be there?
God: He said he did not want to be part of the end of the world, so he went to become a priest.
Lawyer: SON.OF.THE.DEVIL. and he gets there and instantly falls into sin?
God: He left on a day trip, and his dad showed up and well as they say "lead me not to temptation, cause i can find it on my own." And well the devil also broke both his legs.
Lawyer: So who am I defending?
God: The Pope.
Lawyer: No, I will defend the son of the devil.
God: Why?
Lawyer: and we will be suing those in charge of attending the pope, the police, and everyone involved.
God: Why?
Lawyer: Because, its open and shut if I defend the pope, and by the slimmest margin of hope I do possibly win, I will turn millions of demons and devils into my enemy, so even If the reward is great its not worth that kind of pressure, and besides, its better business to defend the victim than the offender.
A few years later sobbing still can be heard from the hell's court offices.
The devil set his son up to get flattened to sire a new child that was not a total goodie two shoes.
I tell this joke because the very last part of my grandfathers will was finally executed yesterday, and the lawyer heard I was sick so he dropped off the keys to his safety deposit box. He told me the joke to try and cheer me up. No offence PH, I might have also messed it up, ngl.
-
No offence PH, I might have also messed it up, ngl.
Forgiven. :emot_laughing:
-
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Siri, why do I have so much trouble getting along with women?
* * *
I'm Alexa, you moron.
-
:emot_laughing:
-
Siri, why do I have so much trouble getting along with women?
* * *
I'm Alexa, you moron.
Everybody walks around our house and says "Hey google, turn on family room lights" or "Turn off landscape lights" or "set the temperature to 68 degrees"
Wish I could use that. My big technology is the clapper for turning a table lamp on or off.
#trueStory
-
(earworm warning)
Spontaneously singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always just a whim away.
A whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
-
When an attorney gets married, they don’t say, “I do.” They say, “I accept the terms and conditions."
Me, as a lawyer: "BUT, your honor, I Googled it twice."
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 55." "Fifty-five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 82." "How'd you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter, "We added up your timesheets."
-
Some guy asked me why I preferred circumcised men. What can I say I'm a sucker for anything 20% off.
-
Why would a nurse carry a red crayon in their pocket at all times?
In case they need to draw blood.
-
Was out birdwatching the other day. An owl told me a joke.
It was a hoot. :emot_laughing:
-
One of my girlfriends in college broke up with me when she found out I only had nine toes.
She didn't specify a reason, but I guess she had to be lack toes intolerant.
-
One of my girlfriends in college broke up with me when she found out I only had nine toes.
She didn't specify a reason, but I guess she had to be lack toes intolerant.
One less toe to stub on the furniture.
But seriously, he could get a prosthetic toe, a rubber one. I wonder if he would change his name to Roberto then, hmmm.
-
The phone rings.
I answer and say hello.
I hear someone sneeze and then hang up.
These darn cold calls are really getting out of hand.
-
The phone rings.
I answer and say hello.
I hear someone sneeze and then hang up.
These darn cold calls are really getting out of hand.
I used to get calls where it sounded like an engine was trying to start. Was that a crank call?
But seriously, he could get a prosthetic toe, a rubber one. I wonder if he would change his name to Roberto then, hmmm.
Roberto. Rubber Toe. Roberto.
-
Woo! (Wish I could practice woo abuse, like some people, who shall remain nameless. You deserve at least two!)
:emot_ntworthy:
The following conversation is shamelessly stolen from one of my favorite comics, Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis. I hope I don't get sued. :facepalm:
Pig (at a doctor's office): Hello... is Doctor Ness in?
Receptionist: He is. Do you have an appointment?
Pig: I don't, but we're old friends and he said to come in.
Receptionist: May I ask for what?
Pig: You have a nutritionist named Hugh. The doc encourages me to talk to him from time to time about my diet.
Receptionist: Ah, here's the doctor now.
Doctor: Hello, Pig.
Pig: Hello, Doc Ness my old friend, I've come to talk to Hugh again.
Rat (pictured with the cartoonist): The sound of silence would be better than this $#*!.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/4kvgEq8.jpg)
-
Wow, had to take a break from some of Barbs picture posting marathon. It's getting hot in here.
So, a wizard asked me to proof read some of his scrolls. I just ran it through spell check.
Back to catching up on what I missed.
-
:D :D :D
-
Wow, had to take a break from some of Barbs picture posting marathon. It's getting hot in here.
The last two mornings have started with a Barb inspired “Recent Forum Posts” scroll. Followed by wood and self flagellation.
-
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
Wait, an octopus only has eight of those.
I guess the first two will have to be test tickles.
-
Why do the police get to the protests early?
To beat the crowds.
I have to credit Dan with this dad joke.
-
I went to a sex shop last night looking for suction cups, and got distracted by all the dildos. I asked the clerk about some of them, and he told me prices and such. And then I asked him about the red one.
He said. "Excuse me? What red one?"
I pointed it out and said "the red one by that door. It looks perfect."
He said, "ma'am, that's our fire extinguisher."
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
I went to a sex shop last night looking for suction cups, and got distracted by all the dildos. I asked the clerk about some of them, and he told me prices and such. And then I asked him about the red one.
He said. "Excuse me? What red one?"
I pointed it out and said "the red one by that door. It looks perfect."
He said, "ma'am, that's our fire extinguisher."
Hahaha, I didn't realize I was in the joke thread when reading this. I was like, 'yes, she's getting the suction toy, she's gonna love it."
Then I read the last line. Funny.
-
The farmer just couldn't get a decent internet connection. He tried every room in the house.
FInally he put the router in the barn, and that did the trick.
He now has stable Wi-fi.
-
Shiela mentioned a belly button joke. Here’s my favorite.
Gomer Pyle USMC* and Miss Bunny are walking home. They get to Miss Bunny‘s house, and Gomer asks if he can come inside. Miss Bunny says, I don’t know, Sergeant Carter isn’t here. Gomer says please? And she says OK.
They go inside, and Miss Bunny says she’s going upstairs. Gomer asks if he can come upstairs with her too. Miss Bunny says, I don’t know, Sergeant Carter isn’t here. Gomer says please? And Miss Bunny says OK.
Miss Bunny says she’s going to bed. Gomer asks if he can go to bed also. Miss Bunny says, I don’t know, Sergeant Carter isn’t here. Gomer says please? Miss Bunny says OK.
Gomer climbs in the bed with Miss Bunny, and asks if he can put his finger in her belly button. Miss Bunny says, I don’t know, Sergeant Carter isn’t here. Gomer says please? And Miss Bunny says OK.
A few minutes later, Miss Bunny says, Gomer? Gomer? Gomer!!! THAT’S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON!!! And Gomer says, SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE ! That’s not my finger either!
* a popular television comedy back in the 1960’s.
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
Good joke. I can still hear Jim Nabors saying his famous "surprise" line. Just hearing that in my head again made me laugh.
His goofy hillbilly voice was a blast. Then when I heard him sing, OMG. It was like a beautiful spirit had entered his body.
-
Gomer Pyle.........
Makes me think of my daddy. He loved that show and watched reruns many years later. My daddy also did the worst "surprise, surprise" impersonation. But my sister and I would always laugh because his face got distorted for some reason.
-
Gomer Pyle, was a real guy?? Just kidding. I remember laying on the living room floor playing while my... relatives... watched shows with him.
The belly button joke I think was told by watcher... or msslave...
Why did the blonde woman have a bruised belly button?
Because her virgin boyfriend is blonde too.
-
Wasn't me. That's funny. Hadn't.seen.it before. :emot_laughing:
-
A pastor, a priest and a rabbit walk into a medical clinic to donate blood.
The nurse says to the rabbit, "Do you know what your blood type is?"
The rabbit looks at the pastor, then looks at the priest.
He turns to the nurse and says, "I think I'm a type O."
-
What am I missing here?
****Edit****
I get it now.
-
Guess I need to revisit this in the morning. :facepalm:
Edit: Thankfully someone helped out this old man. Thanks
-
Well at least you know the pastor and priest weren't ducking mad about it.
-
I was a little drunk the first time I read it last night, and it went right over my head. I had to read it a couple of times more today. But now I’m laughing. It is funny. Woo.
-
So I finally broke down and bought an Alexa two weeks ago.
Me and the wife were goofing off with it, and I asked it "Alexa, what does a woman want?" It has not stopped talking for seven days straight until I unplugged it.
This morning my wife plugged it in, and asked "How do I find the perfect man?" It told her to buy a ton of carrots. My wife asked why? Alexa replied because you are going to need perfect eye sight because he doesn't exist. My wife made a friend that day.
-
Me and the wife were goofing off with it, and I asked it "Alexa, what does a woman want?" It has not stopped talking for seven days straight until I unplugged it.
My brother has one similar.
He asked Alexa what women want. It short circuit because it wouldn't stop contradicting itself. Error Error Error
-
Me and the wife were goofing off with it, and I asked it "Alexa, what does a woman want?" It has not stopped talking for seven days straight until I unplugged it.
My brother has one similar.
He asked Alexa what women want. It short circuit because it wouldn't stop contradicting itself. Error Error Error
*Bows* yours was funnier than mine, Shiela!
-
So my wife has figured out how to give Alexa her voice so I wont be lonely when she has to work late. I have to take my blood pressure meds morning and at night.
She was called in while I was in the basement working on the super secret project, and she leaves. The house was quiet as my youngest daughter was out with Mimi and friends to a movie.
I decided to work myself up a bit for my "Fuck my wife before she goes to work to delay her a little." I did not hear my front door open or anyone come in. So I stand at the basement door at the top of the steps listening out for my wife who would pass that way to get to her car.
I hear "Writer its time for your medicine!" from the kitchen. Excited I burst through the door.
Sitting at the kitchen table is my mom, mother in law, father in law and my father, having a snack. I start to glow red as they burst out laughing. On the fridge, my wife left a note saying our parents were stopping by to talk to me about thanksgiving.
I died on the spot.
-
I love this and it is too accurate!
-
Last one:
Me and my wife were watching a nature documentary on various insect species.
The mantis came up and my wife innocently asked: "What if humans mated like the mantis?"
I replied without missing a beat: They do, its called divorce.
She sat in silence for the rest of the night.
-
[
Here's a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe
that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.
One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot .
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "diamonds-in-the-rough" more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who
suggested that she takes her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank
the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mum got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay envelope at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied,
"I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious,"
said the teller,
"and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied,
"I will be, if those pricks at Bunnings ever deliver the fuckin' gyprock..."
-
First I googled gyprock, then I laughed. Woo to both you jokesters Hoss and WB
-
That joke reminds me of one my brother in law used to tell. :)
I can't remember it exactly, but I'll post it later.
-
Gypsum board. Also known as sheet rock. I’ve hung a few thousand sheets of it.
-
I remember unused to break junks of it off of sheets my stepfather had in the garage, and use it as sidewalk chalk.
My therapist told me of a way to help deal with some of my emotional baggage. She told me to think about all the people that were ever rude or mean to me in my life. All those people who have wronged me and now weigh on my mind. She told me to write a letter to each one of those people, and then burn them.
So I did as she said, but now I'm wondering what I'm supposed to do with all these letters.
-
:emot_rotf: :emot_rotf: :emot_rotf:
-
My uncle is addicted to Viagra....
My aunt is taking it pretty hard.
-
What breed of dog is the favorite of scientists?
Labs.
-
Which is the only day that there are more searches for “stuffing” on Google than on PornHub?
Thanksgiving.
How does one have a traditional Thanksgiving?
By going inviting the neighbors to dinner, murdering them, and taking their land.
I didn’t realize how racist my family was until I brought my black girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner.
My wife and kids absolutely hated her!
Why are Political opinions just like dicks?
Sometimes they lean left, sometimes they lean right, and nobody likes it when your crazy uncle whips his out at Thanksgiving dinner.
What did the rednecks do for Thanksgiving?
Pump kin pie.
What if the Pilgrims had shot a bobcat instead of a turkey?
We’d all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving.
Why does Thanksgiving feel like a date with Bill Cosby?
You wake up 3 hours later drowsy and wondering why you feel like you just got stuffed with dark meat.
What’s Marcy’s favorite part of Thanksgiving?
Eating Peppermint Patty.
What is a funny pickup line for Thanksgiving?
“If your upper lip is Christmas and your lower lip is Thanksgiving can I come visit any time in between?”
Two Alabama men are having a conversation.
“Imagine being in the same room with all of the people you’ve slept with,” the first man says to the second. “I don’t have to imagine,” says the second man, “I do that every Thanksgiving.”
-
;D ;D ;D
-
-
My wife blocked me on Facebook.
She said I posted too many bird puns.
Well, ha ha, toucan play at that game!
-
Very pun-y. ;D ;D
-
Q: What did the letter O say to Q?
A: Dude, your dick is hanging out.
=====
Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done...
=====
Q: What do you call 2 jalepeños having sex?
A: Fucking hot!
=====
Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Alabama who can run faster than her six brothers?
A: A virgin.
=====
Q: What did one gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
=====
Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
=====
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
=====
Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
A: They couldn't close his casket.
-
If we ever manage time travel I'm sure many people would want to go back and see the dinosaurs. Other people would want to go back and kill Hitler. Still, others would want to go back and stop the Kenedy assassination. Me, I'm going back to shake the hands of the people that invented air conditioning and yoga pants.
-
If I find out that a blood relative is posting amateur porn online and I masturbate to it; does that constitute incest?
-
Did you hear about the new Origami Porn channel?
It's paper view only.
-
Did you hear about the new Origami Porn channel?
It's paper view only.
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Very dark humor. Allan's joke not mine.
A masochist, a necrophiliac, a murder, a pyromaniac, a zoophilic, were all sitting on a bench in a park when a cat walked by.
The zoophilic said, "let's fuck that cat."
The murder said, "let's fuck that cat, and then kill it."
The necrophiliac said, "let's fuck that cat, kill it, and then fuck it again."
The pyromaniac said, "let's fuck that cat, kill it, fuck it again, and then set it on fire."
After a short silence, they all looked at the masochist who looked back and said "Meow!"
-
That’s a big woo for Allan.
-
ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest," especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
-
Most McDonald’s stop serving breakfast at 10:30 or 11 AM. But I’m giving you a woo. That’s for some really funny ones. A couple of groaners.
-
Nice bunch of quickies Hoss. Umm...I need help with the Thai joke. :facepalm:
-
If I ever have a pet termite, I'm going to name it Clint.
Clint Eatswood.
-
Did you hear about the brand-new Christmas special coming out this year?
It's sure to become an instant family classic.
It's called: "Santa Claus is cuming all over town."
**********
My granddaughter is so full of joy and excitement this time of year.
I've got a good mind to slap that crap right out of her.
(Remember these are just jokes. The kid is awesome!)
-
A recent study found that golfers, on average, walk about 900 miles a year.
Another study calculated that the average golfer drinks 22 gallons of alcoholic beverages each year.
That means the average golfer gets just under 41 miles to the gallon, better than every car I've ever owned.
-
A recent study found that golfers, on average, walk about 900 miles a year.
Another study calculated that the average golfer drinks 22 gallons of alcoholic beverages each year.
That means the average golfer gets just under 41 miles to the gallon, better than every car I've ever owned.
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: Then I must be getting around 80 miles to the gallon.
-
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
WOO! Number #75 for you Hoss. Thanks for the laugh.
-
Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in another box.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't stop to ask for directions.
-
WOOs to Hoss and msslave. ;D ;D
-
So, Santa's coming this month, according to my wife.
Personally, I hate the suit, but if it gets her off...
-
UT head basketball coach Chris Beard usually chokes in March, but he decided to start early this year.
-
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock.
-
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock.
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: WOO!
-
Which celebrity is always read to eat cereal (or an ice cream sundae)?
Reese with her spoon.
-
Which celebrity is always read to eat cereal (or an ice cream sundae)?
Reese with her spoon.
I spit my coffee out laughing at that one!
Why don't roosters wear pants?
Cause their peckers are on their face!
-
If you own a Subaru and put it in reverse to go backward, what does that make you?
ur a buS.
-
What do you call a bunch of chess nerds bragging about their mad skills in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/z8x0UTx.jpg)
-
:facepalm: Awwww Toe. You just had to do that I guess. :emot_laughing:
-
LOVE IT!! 😂🤣😂🤣
-
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
The frog goes ribbit, ribbit. The horny toad goes rub it, rub it.
-
I can't believe I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
-
An Irishman walks out of a bar......
:emot_kiss:
-
Lawyer: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.
Cop: But you are the lawyer.
Lawyer: So... where's my present?
-
Lawyer: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.
Cop: But you are the lawyer.
Lawyer: So... where's my present?
:emot_laughing:
-
;D ;D ;D
-
Oxygen and Magnesium went out on a date.
All their friends were like, OMg!
-
Went to the pharmacy this morning for more cold medicine. While there i ranninto a guy friend of mine, and after a few moments of talking he tells me he got a new piercing. He takes a quick look around asking if i want to see, and then quickly pulls out his dick.
At first i was shocked, but never seen a pierced dick before, i start looking, and after about 30 seconds of searching his dick, I ask, "where is the piercing"?
"In my ear."
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
DITTO CT. :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Why didn't the hikers starve to death when they got lost in the desert?
Because of the sand which is there.
-
Why didn't the hikers starve to death when they got lost in the desert?
Because of the sand which is there.
Cute dad joke.
-
A smile with apologies to my Irish mates, particularly Sean O’Toole who never gets the jokes.
There was a power failure in a Dublin Department Store last week – and three hundred people were stranded on the escalators for more than two hours.
…………………………………….
“O’Leary, your glass is empty, will you be having another one ?”
“And what would I be doing with two empty glasses ?” O’Leary replied.
……………………………….
Young Teresa came home with some dreadful news. “I’m pregnant” she cried.
“And how do you know it’s yours ?” shouts her father.
…………………………………
PADDY: “Hey Shaun, what’s Mick’s surname ?”
SHAUN: “Mick who ?”
…………………………….
Mrs Murphy said: “ I don’t tink me husband has been faithful to me”.
“Why’s that ?” said Mrs O’Toole.
“Me last child don’t look anything like him”.
…………………………………….
Mrs O’Toole said: “I can only tell you this bit of scandal once because I promised Mrs O’Leary I would never repeat it”
……………………………………
Colleen dropped a Euro coin, intending it to fall into the blind man’s hat on the pavement, but missed. As quick as a flash, he scooped it up and put it in the hat. “You’re not blind” she said. “No I’m not” said Paddy, “It’s Murphy who’s blind. I’m just filling in for him while he’s gone to the pictures”.
……………………………………
“We’re looking for a Treasurer for the Xmas fund”, said Paddy.
“Didn’t you take on a new one last month ?” said Murphy.
“That’s the one we’re looking for”, Paddy replied.
-
Why didn't the hikers starve to death when they got lost in the desert?
Because of the sand which is there.
So bad it didn't even make it into a Christmas cracker. :facepalm:
-
Thank you, thank you very much.
(https://i.postimg.cc/nzmdMWVM/1vx01zb1sj4we7.png)
-
I will remind you this is a joke. I seem to have a particular reputation here and some get confused during the segue and think its, who got laid last night or something, so I will reiterate this is a joke 😁
My friend were visiting and we were standing in the hallway of.my apartment building. As we talked, shannon looked at the floor and pointed at a small puddle of white goo.
"Oh my god, that looks like... you know." (Still a joke)
Amanda stepped up to it, bent down got her face real close and sniffed. She back up holding her nose and said, "oh gosh, it certainly smells like... you know." (Still joking)
I quickly squatted down stuck my finger in it and then licked it off. My friend looked at me with wide eyes and I said, "all I can tell you, is that it doesn't belong to anybody in the building."
(Yep, still just a joke LoL)
-
Woo for the, ahem, joke :)
-
Yeah...I gotta WOO that too.
That rounds your WOO count up to 1850 and still climbing. :emot_kiss:
-
Apparently having too much sex can cause memory problems.
I read that at 3:19pm on page 14 of a medical journal while waiting to see my doctor on June 10, 2021.
-
Ah Purple. That's a subtle way to do a bit of bragging. :emot_laughing:
It also got you WOO #350. Keep 'em coming. :D
-
A woman goes to her doctor because she has found a green, circle-shaped mark on each of her thighs.
"Can I ask you a personal question?", asks the doctor after he examines her.
"Only if it is relevant to my current condition", she replies.
"Have you engaged recently in oral sex and did your partner wear earrings?" he asked her.
"Yes, to both questions", she replied.
"Then tell your partner that their earrings were not pure gold", he said.
-
(chortling)
I thought for sure this would be the "looks like it, smells like it" joke I knew
But I love the different (and definitely Kristens-relevant) ending you provided!
RD
I will remind you this is a joke. I seem to have a particular reputation here and some get confused during the segue and think its, who got laid last night or something, so I will reiterate this is a joke 😁
My friend were visiting and we were standing in the hallway of.my apartment building. As we talked, shannon looked at the floor and pointed at a small puddle of white goo.
"Oh my god, that looks like... you know." (Still a joke)
Amanda stepped up to it, bent down got her face real close and sniffed. She back up holding her nose and said, "oh gosh, it certainly smells like... you know." (Still joking)
I quickly squatted down stuck my finger in it and then licked it off. My friend looked at me with wide eyes and I said, "all I can tell you, is that it doesn't belong to anybody in the building."
(Yep, still just a joke LoL)
-
Back in school my teacher was having the class count to 100 one student per number. When we reached 69 we all started giggling a bit and there was a pause. Frustrated she yelled out, "hurry up! what comes after 69?"
Apparently my answer "mouthwash" wasn't what she wanted to hear.😘
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Why was the blonde depressed when she looked at her driver's license?
She got an "F" in sex. ;D ;D
-
It is only when a mosquito lands on your nuts that your realize there is always a way to solve problems without violence....
-
It is only when a mosquito lands on your nuts that your realize there is always a way to solve problems without violence....
Been there, done that. So true. WOO! ;D ;D
-
It is only when a mosquito lands on your nuts that your realize there is always a way to solve problems without violence....
That was a laugh out loud from me.
#woo41
-
(For those who want to fantasize about it)
Anal??
My daddy always called it "sshhh!"
-
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes!"
So, I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
-
True story:
I was sitting in a bar one night trying to score a cute girl.
The female bartender thought it was important to tell us about a problem she was having with a tooth and we listened politely.
Finally she had to move on to other customers, and we changed the subject to something that interested us more, namely sex.
After a little while I thought I was making progress until the bartender came back and broke in with the words: "Yes and the most annoying thing is that you can't keep your tongue off it."
-
Impeccable timing 🤣
-
What is the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
What's the difference between oral and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
A daughter asks her mother how she spells scrotum.
"Honey", she replied, "you should have asked me last night - it was on the tip of my tongue."
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
Great one liners
-
What is the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
What's the difference between oral and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
A daughter asks her mother how she spells scrotum.
"Honey", she replied, "you should have asked me last night - it was on the tip of my tongue."
I love these so much ;D
-
The farmers wife prayed to the Lord and asked him, "How old will I be when I die?
HE replied, "96."
She yelled, "Hot diggity dog!" And with that she set out to make some changes, She had everything lifted and tucked and was in the doctor's office, making the last payment on her reconstruction. She walked out of the doctor's office, started to cross the street, and was hit by a car and killed.
She gets to heaven and asks the Lord, "What happened? You told me that I would live to be 96."
The Lord replied, "Well, I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you..."
-
NEW FEDERAL WARNINGS!The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
-
NEW FEDERAL WARNINGS!The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Funny. But what is with all your html mods. Haha
And Woo, because you should be at more than 2, and I still feel bad for that boo I slapped you with
***edit, need to get my eyes checked. Thought it said 2 woos, but actually you had 42
-
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One is a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
A tearjerker.
What are 3 two letter words that mean small?
Is it in?
-
One of my favorite childhood memories is making sand castle's with my grandpa, until my dad took away the Urn!
-
One of my favorite childhood memories is making sand castle's with my grandpa, until my dad took away the Urn!
;D ;D ;D and a woo
-
NEW FEDERAL WARNINGS!The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Funny. But what is with all your html mods. Haha
And Woo, because you should be at more than 2, and I still feel bad for that boo I slapped you with
***edit, need to get my eyes checked. Thought it said 2 woos, but actually you had 42
First off, thank you for the "WOO." (I need all the help I can get.)
As far as "all my html mods," I have no idea what that means, but I do know when I typed this and hit "preview," it looked fine, but when I hit "POST," nothing showed up on my screen. In fact, that post still does't show my original joke when I view. I'm wondering how you saw it...
-
ANOTHER FEDERAL WARNING!
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
-
NEW FEDERAL WARNINGS!The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Funny. But what is with all your html mods. Haha
And Woo, because you should be at more than 2, and I still feel bad for that boo I slapped you with
***edit, need to get my eyes checked. Thought it said 2 woos, but actually you had 42
First off, thank you for the "WOO." (I need all the help I can get.)
As far as "all my html mods," I have no idea what that means, but I do know when I typed this and hit "preview," it looked fine, but when I hit "POST," nothing showed up on my screen. In fact, that post still does't show my original joke when I view. I'm wondering how you saw it...
The text has acquired the same colour as the background; but will appear if you "left click mouse over" it, thereby changing the background colour.
-
First off, thank you for the "WOO." (I need all the help I can get.)
As far as "all my html mods," I have no idea what that means, but I do know when I typed this and hit "preview," it looked fine, but when I hit "POST," nothing showed up on my screen. In fact, that post still does't show my original joke when I view. I'm wondering how you saw it...
If you go to the original post, click the QUOTE button and you will see all kinds of modifications made. (Text colors, fonts face,). Not sure how that happened. Unless maybe you copy pasted and the markups were compatible with the KB forum. That's what I meant by html (even though it is not technically html)
You also may have hit some of the buttons above the text entry box.
-
Poor Humpty Dumpty. He's having a terrible winter.
I suppose that's to be expected, after he had such a great fall.
-
Just want to say that I love everyones jokes.
Every time I read them from you all, I read it as though my daddy is telling it to me. I miss his jokes. Not just because they were always funny, but also because he had the best delivery. The man could sure tell a joke.
Woos to anyone that makes a joke post for the next 24 hours. . Multiple jokes from the same member will trigger woo abuse.
And Purp, you earned one. #323
-
Allan and I were fooling around and I asked if he wanted to roll play.
He said" Sure, I'll be American Healthcare!"
I said "hold on, I don't think I can handle getting fucked that hard!"
-
Two friends that used to love making wine, Sam and Morris, met in the park ever day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss some fine old Ports and world problems.
One day, Morris didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Morris didn't show up for a week or so, Sam got really worried. However, since the only place they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Morris lived, so was unable to find out what happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Morris, but one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Morris! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud, Morris, what in the world happened to you?"
Morris replied, "I've been in jail."
"Jail!" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Morris said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, she knew I had some money, and one day she filed rape charges against me. At 89 years old, I was proud to hear the accusation and some of the details of what she said happened, so when I got to court, I pleaded 'Guilty'."
"The judge gave me 30 days for perjury..."
-
"The judge gave me 30 days for perjury..."
Woo.
-
As someone who is in the same situation as Morris, I have to give this a WOO also. :emot_laughing:
That's #45 for you sir. ;D
-
Allan and I were fooling around and I asked if he wanted to roll play.
He said" Sure, I'll be American Healthcare!"
I said "hold on, I don't think I can handle getting fucked that hard!"
:emot_laughing:
Woo
-
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
-
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
WOO!
-
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Woo. :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
Just what needed for the coming weekend.
-
Two guys grow up together, and after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet in Florida every ten years to play golf
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch." Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again.
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have a cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."
At age 52 they meet and play again. "So, where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."
At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
"Okay, let’s give it a try."
-
WOO!!! :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Just want to say that I love everyones jokes.
Every time I read them from you all, I read it as though my daddy is telling it to me. I miss his jokes. Not just because they were always funny, but also because he had the best delivery. The man could sure tell a joke.
Woos to anyone that makes a joke post for the next 24 hours. . Multiple jokes from the same member will trigger woo abuse.
Shiela #1883
Blue Eyes #46
Purp #326
Rick #1475
Hoss #81
Hoss, that joke is right in line with what my daddy would tell. Hahaha.
Thank you all for brightening everyone's day!
-
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would you let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"
The bartender thinks for a minute and says "It would have to be something spectacular to take that offer."
The man leans down and picks up the box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man who is only one foot tall, and a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin. Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell me where you got this."
The man says "In the alleyway behind your bar there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind the bar to see if it is true. A few minutes pass and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking. The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts the door against a wave of thousands and thousands of ducks. He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing; I asked him for a million bucks and these ducks appeared by the thousands!"
The man chuckles and says "Did you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"
-
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
WOO! :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
I'm sitting next to the missus at a wine tasting and I hear her half-whisper, "I love you."
I smile and turn to her. "Is that you talking, or the wine?"
Her answer was, "It's me... and I was talking to the wine."
:facepalm:
-
I'm sitting next to the missus at a wine tasting and I hear her half-whisper, "I love you."
I smile and turn to her. "Is that you talking, or the wine?"
Her answer was, "It's me... and I was talking to the wine."
:facepalm:
Hahaha, I love you.
-
#1513
I love you bigger. :emot_kiss:
-
WOO to Hoss, Blue_Eyes, purpleshoes and our lovely Sheriff for keeping us smiling. 8)
-
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Talk about a total friggin blonde moment. I read it three times and didn't get until I was half way through Hoss Hooters joke. I had to reread blue eyes joke because I want focused because I kept thinking about different shoe brands to try and make the joke work, and then it hit me... I am such a twit somtimes
🤦♀️
Yeah! Woos all around :emot_laughing:
-
What did the O say to the Q? Dude, your dick’s hanging out.
-
Someone had stolen Alfred's bike and he was furious.
In his search for it, he met the pastor of his church and complained about his loss.
The priest promised to take up the matter at the next service, and on Sundays after that he kept his word with a thunderous sermon on the ten commandments, which almost lifted the roof of the church.
The next day, the priest met Alfred, who came riding happily on his bicycle.
"I can see that my sermon helped" smiled the priest.
"Oh yes. Thank you so much." said Alfred. When you got to the part about not committing adultery, I suddenly remembered where I had put the damn bike
-
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.
-
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.
Oh my. You almost got booed. So so close. ;)
-
:facepalm:
-
ANOTHER NEW FEDERAL WARNING!
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your skinny little ass kicked.
-
A young couple, on their way home after finalizing their wedding day plans, were involved in a fatal accident.
Upon entering heaven, they were met at the pearly gates by St Peter. After St Peter was through with his introductions to heaven, he asked them if they had any questions.
"We have one question," they replied. "Since we were about to be married on earth, can we be married in heaven?
St Peter said he did not know but would find out the answer.
One week passes and no St Peter. Two weeks pass. The young couple began thinking that the marriage will be for eternity. What if something happens and they no longer want to be together for eternity? At the end of the third week, St Peter returns and said, yes, they can be married in heaven.
"We have another question, St Peter". "Can we get a divorce, if our marriage doesn't work out?"
St Peter's eyes began to bulge and he told them, "It took me three weeks to find a priest for an answer to your first question. It will probably take me at least six weeks to find a lawyer."
-
I don't know if it's true, but there's a rumor going around that a young lady in Texas heard a cashier say the words, "Strip down, facing me."
By the time the submissive young lady realized the cashier was talking about her debit card, it was too late.
-
Hey guys. Ya gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
-
Took me a minute or two
:emot_laughing:
-
🤣
-
For all the men on Kristen's Board, some advice you may want to consider....or not.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1.) She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK.' She is a 'BREASTED HUMAN.'
2.) She is not 'EASY.' She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
3.) She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE.' She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4.) She has not 'BEEN AROUND.' She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.' (I think this is my favorite.)
5.) She does not 'NAG' you. She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6.) She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER.' She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
-
One Sunday, when counting the money from the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope that contained $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the Pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached the woman.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help notice that you put $1,000. a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The Pastor replied, "That's wonderful, but $1,000. is a lot. Are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly lady answered, "$10,000 a week."
The Pastor was amazed. "Your son must be very successful. What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian." she answered.
"That is an honorable profession, the Pastor replied, "but I did not know they made so much money." "Where does he practice?"
"In Nevada," the elderly woman said proudly. "He has two cat houses. One in Reno and one in Las Vegas."
-
So nice that her son cares for cats. Wish I were closer so I could give him some business. :emot_laughing:
-
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.
The police put out an all points bulletin to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.
The police put out an all points bulletin to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
That was a laugh out loud joke W00#50
-
Good one Blue. I gave you a WOO. #52
-
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.
The police put out an all points bulletin to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
That was a laugh out loud joke W00#50
Thank you, MintJulie! :emot_kiss:
-
Good one Blue. I gave you a WOO. #52
Thank you, kind sir! Hmmm, wonder if I can blow him a kiss...
Oh Hell! Why not! :emot_kiss:
-
They say that during sex, you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.
Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds??? :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
(OK - HERE'S ANOTHER, JUST FOR SHITS AND GRINS)
Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup off coffee in each hand and still find a way to bring along a dozen donuts. :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Too early to give you another WOO, but you earned one. Couple of chuckles to start my day :emot_laughing:
-
Here's one for ya'...
What's the difference between kinky and perverted, you ask?
Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather.
Perverted is when you use the whole bird.
-
Well, that starts morning off LOL. It also got you a WOO.
Having grown up in the poultry business made it even funnier to me. :emot_laughing:
-
Well, that starts morning off LOL. It also got you a WOO.
Having grown up in the poultry business made it even funnier to me. :emot_laughing:
Sir, any time I can make it the slightest bit better is a good day in my book! Thanks for the WOO!
Here's another I hope you enjoy:
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had the efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
-
I had a dream that I was invisible and married an invisible woman.
Still don't know what we saw in each other.
Our kids are nothing to look at either.
-
I Lol ’d, Mr Shoes!
Speaking of shoes……
Dan bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
Not sure what they were laced with. He’s been trippin’ all week.
-
Good segue and funny. I laughed. :emot_laughing:
-
Gary was sitting at the bar, staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. Gary immediately burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY! I can't stand to see a man CRY! What's your problem?"
"This is the worst day of my life," Gary says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went out to the parking lot, I found out my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. Then, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to just put an end to it all. I buy a drink; drop a capsule in and sit watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!"
"But enough about me," Gary said. "How's your day going?"
-
:emot_laughing: Woos duly awarded to MJ and Blue_Eyes for making me laugh.
You get apples from an apple tree.
You get cherries from a cherry tree.
Hmm, what would you get from a country?* :facepalm:
*Believe it or not, I first heard this in high school about a hundred years ago. I've never repeated it until now. I doubt I'll ever repeat it again.
-
What do you call an ignored Elephant? An Irrevelant Elephant. Boo
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
A man walks into a bar and says to the barman "ten whiskies, and line them up, please."
The barman pours ten wiskies and watches as the customer proceeds to down them one after the other
"Why the hurry", says the barman.
"I just got my first blow job" slurs the customer.
"Ah, I see, celebrating" says the barman.
"Nope, just trying to get rid of the taste."
-
I gave you a WOO
And it put you at #1200
-
Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?
I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay. She said she didn't have time.
-
I gave you a WOO
And it put you at #1200
#1201
-
"Give it to me!" "Give it to me!", she yelled. "I'm so wet, GIVE IT TO ME NOW!"
She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.... :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
;D ;D ;D and a woo
-
"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both
happy and sad at the same time," the husband says to his wife.
She thinks about it for a moment and then responds,
"Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
-
Thanks for my morning chuckle and yes I gave you a WOO for that.
-
We were at a garage sale and Dan bought a book about plumbing. I asked, "A book about plumbing?"
He said, "yeah, the author is Lee King."
I said, "Your jokes are draining."
-
:facepalm: You two deserve each other. :emot_laughing:
-
A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her
boyfriend and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there.
Do you know what that means?"
"Yeah. It means the drain is clogged again." :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
What kind of doctor is Dr Pepper?
A fizzician.
-
What kind of doctor is Dr Pepper?
A fizzician.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?
Because he's single!
If life gives you melons,
you might be dyslexic!
-
What do I have in common with KFC?
After enjoying a bit of leg, and getting a taste of thigh, by the time you're done with the breast, you'll have a open wet box to drop your bone into.💋
-
A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ. :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor told them, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”
The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, “Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?”
“Pastor, I’m afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied.
“What happened?” inquired the pastor.
“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust, and we did it right there.”
“You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.
“That’s okay,” said the young man. “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”
-
:emot_laughing:
-
this may have been posted before, but I'm not sure.
My rent came due, but I didn't have enough money to cover it so when the landlord asked for the money, I started pulling on my shirt exposing more skin and said
"I'm sorry but I don't have enough money, perhaps there is another way I could pay you?"
He leaned forward and got a good eyeful and replied, "I think we could work something out."
He stood from where he sat and started to unbuckle his belt. That's when my sister slammed her hands down on the table and yelled, "Thats it, we're never playing Monopoly again!"
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
That was great. New to me. Thanks, I needed a chuckle :emot_kiss:
-
Apparently there is a criminal in my area stealing clothing in the order of size.
When questioned the police said he was "still at large" - boom tish.
-
Sex is like playing Bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
-
What did the leper say to the sex worker? "Keep the tip." :facepalm: :emot_laughing: :facepalm:
-
Just a quick questions for my fellow perverts....
If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?
-
I wonder if Shiela can answer this one...
What's the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you stick the cucumber...
-
I wonder if Shiela can answer this one...
What's the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you stick the cucumber...
I knew the answer. ;)
I've experimented with many things.
Whatever works at the time. Guilty of it a couple of times. Like being on vacation without a toy.
-
I wonder if Shiela can answer this one...
What's the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you stick the cucumber...
Cucumbers... I remember it being about eggplants.😜
-
A guy is sitting at the doctor's office.
The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."
"I don't understand, doc," the patient says.
"Why? Because," the doctor says, "I'm trying to do your yearly exam."
-
It's been a quiet afternoon. I'm sitting at my desk, checking email when I hear my wife call down from upstairs.
"Do you have any sharp, stinging pains?"
"Uh, no," I answer, thinking what an oddly specific question.
She clarifies, "Like you would if someone has a voodoo doll of you and is sticking pins into it?"
"Nope, I have no pain at all. I feel just fine."
Two minutes later, she calls down again.
"How about now?"
-
My wife dated a professional clown before we met.
I had some really big shoes to fill.
-
My wife dated a professional clown before we met.
I had some really big shoes to fill.
:emot_laughing: Woo.
-
Getting old is hard. Nobody wants to help.
I keep asking what IDK means. All I ever hear back from everyone I ask is I don't know. WTF! :emot_laughing:
-
Good one Bob. Acronyms are getting to be a real pain in the ass… PITA. Woo.
-
How is playing bridge similar to sex?
If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
-
Hahaha True Blue Eyes.
And LOL to Bob. LOL = lots of love
-
How is playing bridge similar to sex?
If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Where have I heard that one? :emot_laughing:
Sex is like playing Bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
-
My dad told me that he always wanted to go see one of the weird talk shows like Dr. Phil, or Jerry Springer. Thought it would be fun and a good laugh. I told my brother this, so he got me pregnant!
We're on next Wednesday!
-
My dad told me that he always wanted to go see one of the weird talk shows like Dr. Phil, or Jerry Springer. Thought it would be fun and a good laugh. I told my brother this, so he got me pregnant!
We're on next Wednesday!
;D ;D ;D and a woo
-
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately it jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying by the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked him what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry and that she knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved his paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and then hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved. It continued hopping, turning and waving every 50 feet until it was out of sight.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can. He ran over to the woman and asked "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so the man could read the label.
It said: Hair spray - Restores life to dead hair - Adds permanent wave.
-
I get to start my day off with a chuckle. Thanks Purple and WOO.
-
(https://www.snackcrate.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Corny-Big-01_shop_600x600.png)
:emot_laughing:
-
My wife said, "What starts with an F and ends with a K."
I shook my head and said, "No it doesn't."
-
I’m gonna give you a woo, but only because that was just God awful. I had to read it twice. :emot_laughing:
-
I’m gonna give you a woo, but only because that was just God awful. I had to read it twice. :emot_laughing:
Likewise :facepalm:
-
I'm still reading it.
-
If it's not a three groaner it's not Purple :emot_laughing:
-
I'm still reading it.
Step into my room Staci and I'll explain it to you. May take a while. ;D :emot_kiss:
-
I'm still reading it.
Step into my room Staci and I'll explain it to you. May take a while. ;D :emot_kiss:
Mind if I join you and Staci, msslave? I'm still reading it too. ;D
-
The more I see people struggling with Purple's latest joke, the funnier it gets to me. :emot_laughing:
-
I want to say but dont want to spoil msslaves fun.
My dad says the joke differently, so obviously I love it. Woo purpleshoes
-
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
-
Eating breakfast with my family the other morning and my dad kept telling breakfast jokes.
I told him if he told one more breakfast related pun, he's toast.
My brother thought it would be funny to keep egging him on. He's such a ham
****
I tried creating a job search app for unemployed people. But it didn't work.
****
(Pretty sure I saw this one posted)
When the creators of viagra were asked why they changed its purpose from blood pressure medicine to what it is today, they said "after seeing the results, it wasn't hard"
****
I was rummaging through my room at my dads house yesterday. He came into the room and asked me what I was looking for.
I said "a bookmark"
He started crying and said "after all these years. You still don't know my name is Robert."
****
I seen a guy who's suspected of burglary kicking in his own door. Covid even has them working from home
****
Stopped at a zoo the day that only had one animal. A dog
It was a shiht-zu
-
I was doing good until I got to the bookmark joke. It took me the fourth reading before it clicked :facepalm:
-
You are worser than me.
-
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Oh gosh, that's funny. But wait, have I heard that one before. Maybe?
;)
:-* Love you and missed you.
S, hilarious. The breakfast ones. hahaha
-
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Oh gosh, that's funny. But wait, have I heard that one before. Maybe?
Oh Gee! And only a month ago :facepalm:
Oh wait, I almost forgot, I have my old man's failing memory card. Gives me a free pass. :emot_laughing:
-
The more I see people struggling with Purple's latest joke, the funnier it gets to me. :emot_laughing:
We gotcha' figured out, msslave! You just want more people to join you in your room. :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
What does a nosy pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business.
-
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
Unless it was the Indian Ocean and Atlantic ocean, then it was nothing Pacific.
Sea, that's a joke.
-
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
Unless it was the Indian Ocean and Atlantic ocean, then it was nothing Pacific.
Sea, that's a joke.
:facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm:
-
When my dad died, he wanted his ashes pressed into a phonograph (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phonograph) record.
It was his vinyl request.
-
My grandfather died after swallowing a bottle of wood varnish. The undertaker said he had a wonderful finish.
-
;D
Woo 1224
What do you call a starving, very large, four-toed, chiefly aquatic, herbivorous artiodactyl mammal in Budapest?
A hungry Hungary hippo.
Coming up next.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on the story after these messages.
-
Dick’s life is sad. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his next-door neighbour is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.
-
Do I need this explained or did you not finish? ???
-
:facepalm:
Oh Lord! Am I slow today. :emot_laughing:
Poor Dick. :emot_laughing:
-
Spider-Man has a unique winter jacket, made entirely out of Mediterranean flat bread.
It's a one of a kind, Pita Parka.
-
Spider-Man has a unique winter jacket, made entirely out of Mediterranean flat bread.
It's a one of a kind, Pita Parka.
I almost blocked you from this thread with the Hungary Hungry Hippo one.
Now I'm sorry I didn't.
jk, you know I love you and your stupid corny jokes. Woo 349
-
I was making breakfast for Allan this morning. Soft boiled eggs and coffee. I stood at the counter in nothing but one of his t shirts. As soon as he came in I stuck my butt out and begged him to do me.
He immediately dropped his pants took me from behind and gave it his all.
As soon as he finished I turned kissed him. He pulled up his pants and asked "that was a bit unexpected, what got you in such a mood."
"Oh I wasnt in the mood" I said as I removed the eggs from the pot, "your egg timer is broke"
-
"your egg timer is broke"
Woo for that oldie, but still a goody.
I’d have a “hard time” lasting three minutes with you, sexy girl.
-
Three elderly KB gentlemen are in the waiting room of their doctor's office. The first says "I get up at 7:00 and go to urinate. I could stand there for 30 minutes, but I can't urinate."
The second says, "I get up at 7:30 and go to move my bowels. I could sit there for 45 minutes, and can't move my bowels."
The third says "At 7:00 I urinate, and at 7:30, I move my bowels."
The first two men look at each other in confusion and one says, "So why are you here?"
The third man says "At 8:00 I wake up."
-
My girlfriend wanted me to name all of my past sexual partners, in order.
Now that I've had time to think about it, I probably should have stopped when I got to her name.
-
Live and learn :emot_laughing:
-
I named my new dog Peeve.
When were out for a walk I can tell people, " Hi, this is my Pet Peeve.". :facepalm:
Sorry.
-
Sorry.
I laughed.
Part of it because I said Pet Peeve twice today.
-
Why did the chicken buy a gym membership?
He wanted to work on his pecks.
-
Why did the chicken buy a gym membership?
He wanted to work on his pecks.
;D ;D ;D
-
A man was laying on his death bed with his wife close by his side. They had been married their whole adult lives and were very happy the whole time. The husband looked deep into his wife's eyes and was suddenly overcome with guilt. His wife noticed the change in his face and asked him what is wrong.
"I must confess to something my dear wife" he began, "when we were engaged to be married and I took that trip with my closest of friends, I was put into a situation with a promiscuous woman, and I found myself doing unfaithful things."
His wife bowed her head and spoke in a whisper, "you slept with this woman?"
He quickly replied, "no my dear wife, but I touched her in unsavory ways, and kissed her a few times before I was able to control myself."
Relieved he did not have sex with this woman, the wife said, "it is ok my love, I forgive you completely."
"Thank you my dear wife," he said, "now I hate to do it, but I must ask, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
His wife looked him in the eyes and said, "yes I have been unfaithful three separate times."
Obviously hurt by hearing this and struggling to.except it, the wife quickly added, "I assure you that each time was for a good reason with your best interests in mind."
Confused he asked, "what do you mean."
"Well," the wife said, "remember when the car broke down shortly after we married? We could not afford the repairs and you desperately needed the car or you would lose your job and we would face a financial disaster. I had sex with the mechanic and that is why he agreed to fix the car immediately free of charge."
The husband took a second and said, "I see, and I understand what you did it, you saved my job and our finances so i forgive you. What about the second time?"
"Remember when you fell ill and could not work for weeks and then months?" She began, "well the medical bills were piling up and we were falling behind on our house payments. I had sex with the bank president, and that is why he agreed to extend out payments for months without fees or penalties."
The husband looked at his wife with love, "you did it for us, and saved our home and our future and allowed us to keep paying for my treatments. You saved my live doing what you did, so obviously I can forgive you. What about the third time?"
"Well" his wife began, "Remember, when you were running for president of your golf club, and you needed those last forty-seven votes?"
-
Love it. Wonderful build up to the punch line. :emot_kiss:
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Definitely a woo for a great build-up. :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
I told my therapist I had an irrational fear of tall buildings.
He just waved his hand and said, "Nothing to worry about. It's just an Apartment Complex."
-
A young boy is sitting on the floor in the living room playing with his train. His mother was close by when she hear him say.
"All you fuckers getting off, get off. All you fuckers getting on get on." And then he would move the train again.
His mother was instantly angry and slapped him up side the head for swearing. "I dont ever want to hear you use that word ever again, now go to your room and thi k about what you've done."
The boy went to his room and after several hours his mother came and got him. Feeling he learned his lesson, she left him go back to his train. He went and sat down and started the train up.
After a few seconds he stopped the train at the little station and with his mother listening closely from the kitchen he said. "All of you good people departing, I hope you enjoyed your travels and be safe. To all new passengers, please have tour tickets ready and mind the gap. And if anybody has a complaint about the two hour delay, talk to that bitch in the kitchen."
-
Ah kids. What more can you say except WOO. :emot_kiss:
-
Haw does the movie star "The Rock" pee?
He Dwayne's his Johnson. :facepalm:
As CT would say, sorry. :emot_laughing:
-
Four nuns die in a car accident and find themselves standing in front of Saint Peter by the Pearly Gates. He smiles and says, "Of course I will let you enter, but first, do any of you have anything to confess?"
The first nun steps up and says, "Yes, Your Holiness, I once looked at a man's penis."
He points to a font of holy water and tells her, "Very well. Go anoint your eyes with this holy water and you may enter."
The second nun steps up and says, "Your Holiness, I once touched a man's penis."
He says, "Dip your hands in the holy water and then you may enter."
He turns around to see the fourth nun elbowing her way in front of the third one. "Ladies," he says, "what is going on here?"
The fourth nun says, "I'm going to gargle some of that holy water before Sister Agnes here sticks her ass in it!"
-
Good one Purple
Another Nun joke:
Three Nuns are having coffee together after their morning cleaning duties.
The first Nun says, "I peeked in Father O'Malley's dresser drawer last week and I found several packages of condoms."
The second Nun just nodded and smiled saying, "Yes, I saw the condoms too and I poked holes in all of them."
The third Nun fainted.
-
And another
Two nuns are in the convent communal showers
First nun: "where's the soap"
Second nun: "yes doesn't it"
:facepalm:
-
I'm going to come back to this one. Maybe second time around I'll get it. :facepalm:
-
I'm going to come back to this one. Maybe second time around I'll get it. :facepalm:
A hint here (https://thisvid.com/videos/soap-bar-inside-pussy-1/) (warning may have pop-up ads)
-
Ah... nothing like graphic illustration. :emot_laughing:
-
Haw does the movie star "The Rock" pee?
He Dwayne's his Johnson. :facepalm:
As CT would say, sorry. :emot_laughing:
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
What made my day today was negotiating a plea deal on a DUI over .15% BAC with a reckless driving charge thrown in.
I got my client 180 days deferred adjudication. Meaning that if he successfully completes the terms of probation in the next six months, the charges will be dismissed. This hasn’t happened since 1980 and Mothers Against Drunk Driving. I bought a lotto ticket tonight. I may turn water into wine. I think I can walk on water. It’s a Christmas miracle.
Why are lawyers always buried 12 feet under instead of 6 feet?
Because deep down, they're good people.
-
Ah Purple, really. After Toe got such a good deal for his client. It is a good joke tho'. Still not sure if I want to WOO you. Oh heck it's a new one to me so ok you get a WOO. ;D
-
Wish I could remember where I saw this...(or if I posted this before, sorry.) :facepalm:
"It is only when a mosquito lands on your "private" area that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence."
-
I already know how it's going to end for me.
One of my kids will unplug my life-support so they can charge their i-Pad.
-
I received a breakup text this morning saying we had to stop seeing each other. I feared he found somebody else, but then he sent a text saying that wasn't meant for me... boy am I relieved.
-
What kind of a dog does Dracula.have?
A Bloodhound.
-
From the "I'm not gonna win this one". department.
Wife yelled at me from the kitchen, "I could use a little help in here."
Me snug and cozy in my chair in the living room, " Why do you you think I'm in here." :facepalm:
-
If I wear farmhand clothes, does that mean I'm ranch dressing?
-
A saw a farmer's son trying to do a seductive dance to his John Deere. Shocked, I walked up to him asking him what he was doing.
He said, "my love interest is giving me the time of day, and my Ma and Pa said I should do something sexy to a tractor."
-
Is that from your Dad? Sure sounds like a dad joke. :emot_laughing: :emot_kiss:
-
Something sexy to attract her. Took five or six tries to get it. :facepalm:
-
Is that from your Dad? Sure sounds like a dad joke. :emot_laughing: :emot_kiss:
Of course. Also, giving you all a heads up, if any of you actually meet my dad, he'll usually start talking about global warming right away... says it's a great ice breaker...
-
I was prepared to make a serious response to this, then remembered where I was. Now I know why Allen and your dad hit it off right away. :emot_laughing:
-
A Penguin takes his car to a repair shop. The mechanic tells him it will take a couple hours to fix the problem.
The Penguin spots an ice cream shop across the street and decides to wait the time out there.
Now the Penguin is a very sloppy.eater. He ends up with splotchy patches of ice cream all over him
The mechanic takes one look at him when he walks back in. The mechanic says, "Man, it looks like you blew a seal."
"No", the Penguin insists, "It's just ice cream."
-
I would change the punchline as follows.
The penguin asked the mechanic, “did you figure out what’s wrong with my car?” The mechanic replied, “it looks like you blew a seal“…
-
Good choice Toe. That works better. I heard this years ago and your version sounds like how I first heard it. :facepalm:
-
A saw a farmer's son trying to do a seductive dance to his John Deere. Shocked, I walked up to him asking him what he was doing.
He said, "my love interest is giving me the time of day, and my Ma and Pa said I should do something sexy to a tractor."
:emot_laughing: Woo 2052
(Just so you know, I'm totally stealing this for future use.)
-
What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?
A beaver dam. :emot_laughing:
-
My relationship with whiskey is on the rocks
-
What do you call a timid potato?
A hesitater.
-
What happens when you boil a funny bone?
You get a laughing stock.
I don't know about you but I found that humerus. :emot_laughing:
-
I got a job making plastic Dracula toys.
There's only two of us on the assembly line, so I have to make every second Count.
(rim shot)
-
I have a horse.
I call him Mayo.
And, sometimes Mayo neighs
:facepalm: sorry heck of a way to start your morning
-
As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy.
The truth is I'm just more energy efficient... ;D
-
As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy.
The truth is I'm just more energy efficient... ;D
.....besides, "Lazy" is a very strong word...
I prefer "Selective Participation."
-
What do you call an angry counselor?
A therapissed.
-
I was doing some home renovations and incredibly, when I knocked down a wall, I found a secret, fully furnished room!!!
And then I remembered, "I live in a duplex....."
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
The last couple days have been quite confusing for me as the dates and days on my calendar weren't making sense. I suddenly realized that someone had torn an entire month out of my calender... I was completely dismayed...
-
Good one Shiela. :emot_laughing:
,(Sending Shiela a May calendar from last.year to help out.)
-
To tell the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear, make it mad and then climb up a tree.
If it climbs up after you, it's a black bear.
If it waits until you come down, it's a grizzly bear.
See you learned something new today... :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Times New Roman and Helvetica walk into a bar. Barman says "get out before I throw you out, we don't serve your type".
:facepalm:
-
Shiela (in a sultry voice):
I just love the way you taste in my mouth.
From the moment I feel your warmth on my lips,
To when I feel you slide down my throat.
I can never get enough of you.
I will love you forever.
Coffee: Such a good girl.
You just keep sipping.
Take it all, my adorable whore.
You know you want to.
There's plenty more where this came from.
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: 8)
-
Shiela (in a sultry voice):
I just love the way you taste in my mouth.
From the moment I feel your warmth on my lips,
To when I feel you slide down my throat.
I can never get enough of you.
I will love you forever.
Coffee: Such a good girl.
You just keep sipping.
Take it all, my adorable whore.
You know you want to.
There's plenty more where this came from.
:emot_kiss: :emot_kiss: :emot_kiss:
Give me coffee, or give me death!! Woo!🤣😂
-
A daughter is sitting on the floor playing with her toys. She stops for a second and looks to her dad who is sitting nearby and asks, "daddy, where does poo come from?"
The dad stops doing what he was doing and sits on the floor next to his daughter and says, "well sweetheart, when you eat something it goes down into your tummy where it sits and get broken down by a tough liquid that is made inside of you. Once it's all broken down and turned into mush it moves into another part of your body called the intestines. While it's in there, all the good stuff from that food that helps keep your body strong and healthy is pulled out of the mush until the only thing left is the dirty stinky stuff that isn't needed. That is what comes out of your bottom when you go to the bathroom. That is where poo comes from."
The daughter staring at her dad starts to whimper and cry. Confused, her dad says, "oh sweetheart it's nothing to cry about, it's just a natural thing that happens. Why are you crying?"
His daughter holds up two of her favorite toys and says, "I dont even want to know where Tigger and Piglet come from."
-
Ah youth! Kids can be so literal.
-
"Your underwear is too tight," I said to my wife. "And too revealing."
She shrugged. "Wear your own then," she said indifferently.
-
"Your underwear is too tight," I said to my wife. "And too revealing."
She shrugged. "Wear your own then," she said indifferently.
Woo. That made me laugh.
-
How can you tell when you've had too much to drink?
When you're sittinf on the toilet, and try to put on your seatbelt.
-
:emot_laughing:
As unstable as I am now, a seat belt may be a good idea. ;D
-
What did one tomato say to another tomato in a race?? Ketchup
-
So, a guy walks into a bar and spots a beautiful brunette sitting at the bar. As he approached her she put up her hand and said, "Stop. Before you say anything, I'm a lesbian."
The guy asks, "What's a lesbian?"
She answers, "Do you see the geourgeous blond at the end of the bar? I want to take her home, strip her naked and make pationate love to her all night long."
With an excited smile on his face, "Holly crap, I'm a lesbian!"
-
Good start on your first day Scooby..We can always use more humor.
-
Rumor has it that Shiela passed on some good advice to one of her girlfriends.
"Never bite the hand that fingers you, or whatever that saying is."
-
Just got done ordering a chicken and an egg on line.
I'll let you know which comes first. :D
-
Just got done ordering a chicken and an egg on line.
I'll let you know which comes first. :D
I think it was the cockerel (rooster not generally spoken of in the UK) :facepalm:
-
Glad to see there's another here who knows about poultry. I grew up around the business. :D
Good come back...pin intended.
-
Rumor has it that Shiela passed on some good advice to one of her girlfriends.
"Never bite the hand that fingers you, or whatever that saying is."
Seems like the right saying to me😘💋
Woo!
-
I married my wife for her looks.
Although not the ones she's been giving me lately.
-
I wanted to be "with it". So when I heard we should rage against the machine I joined in.
They never told me which machine tho', so I've been raging against the toaster. Am I doing it right? ???
-
A guy wants a divorce, so he tells the judge, "I just can't take it anymore. Every night she's out until way past midnight, just going from bar to bar."
The judge asks, "What's she doing?"
The guy answers, "Looking for me."
-
WOOable
-
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
-
WOO #1717. That's an old man who still has some brain cells left. :emot_laughing: :emot_kiss:
-
So there I was driving home from my dad house when I got pulled over. The police officer approached and said "you've been doing quite a bit of swerving back there, have you been drinking?"
"Only water," I said reaching over showing him my bottle.
"Ma'am" he replied, "that's wine!"
I looked at it and said "praise Jesus, he did it again!!!"
And that's how I found religion!
-
WOO.. Second joke I've WOOed today. You ladies are in good form today.
-
I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something, because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you," obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again.
Don't blow your horn at old people, we have been around a long time.
-
WOO.. Second joke I've WOOed today.
Gotcha beat old man. I just wooed the last three--after laughing out loud three times.
What the hey, I'll give you one too.
-
And another WOO from me. Posts may be down, but we've had some LOL jokes
:D
-
Woo from me as well - classic reponse PH.
-
It's okay to talk to yourself.
Even answer yourself.
But having to repeat what you said because you weren't paying attention...not so much.
-
Maria, a very attractive (18-year-old) blonde came home very happy one day.
When her mother asked why she was so happy, Maria explained that she had won $20 when the (college aged) boy who lived next door bet her she couldn't climb the old oak tree in his backyard.
Her mom sighed and replied, “Oh Maria, he just wanted you to climb the tree so he could look up under your dress and see your panties!”
Maria scoffed and replied, “I know that Mom, but I outsmarted him.”
She pulled her panties out of her sundress pocket and giggled as she showed them to her mother.
"I took my panties off before I climbed the tree!"
-
20 Zen Teachings
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
-
Woo. My late grandmother actually told me #20. So it has been around awhile.
-
I had a great job, writing code for autocorrect.
Then, one day they up and fried me for absolutely no raisin.
-
Wife and I were dining out last night when the waitress yelled, 'Does anybody know CPR?"
I said I know the whole alphabet. We all laughed and laughed. Well, except for one person.
Sorry :facepalm:
-
I had a group of friends in college and we were always trying to scare the crap out of each other.
With friends like that, who needs enemas?
-
That reminds me of when I was a DJ read an article on the air (blue bunny ice cream has an orgasm in it) should have read (blue bunny ice cream has an organism in it)
-
What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 feet long?
A Pi-thon.
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Last night I took my cat's medicine.
Don't ask meow.
-
My coworker told me she had a half brother.
I asked if he had a different mom or different dad.
She said "shark attack"
-
*groan* :emot_laughing:
-
Things To Ponder
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out of them?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of its butt."
3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
11. If Wile E Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap why didn't he just buy dinner?
12. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
13. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
14. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
15. Stop singing and read on............
16. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
17. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
18. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
19. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
That's a WOO - able list. Great day starter.
-
When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means fight a bad guy or slay a dragon, not wash dishes or vacuum.
-
If a man is in the middle of nowhere, and there are no women anywhere around him... is he still wrong?
-
When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means fight a bad guy or slay a dragon, not wash dishes or vacuum.
This 7 stone (I wish) weakling will take the dishes or vacuum option ;D
-
If a man is in the middle of nowhere, and there are no women anywhere around him... is he still wrong?
Always.
-
I used to be addicted to the Hokey-Pokey but then... I turned myself around.
-
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends what's in it.for me."
-
;D ;D ;D
-
I had chapped lips and asked Allan to pass me my chapstick. He gave me a glue stick instead...
I'm still not talking to him.
-
I'm still not talking to him.
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
WOO which includes all the the other posts you've made today.
Glad to see you getting more active.
-
Things to Ponder:
Can you cry under water?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just killed or murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but you only get "a penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
Why do people say they "slept like a baby"? Babies wake up like every two hours.
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why is a bra singular and a pair of panties is plural?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
-
Went to the paint store today to get thinner....
....unfortunately, it didn't work.
-
A blonde was speeding when a small town police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked the woman in the car for her driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license," and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go."
Then, sounding slightly irritated, she added, "If you had just told me you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
-
This joke will date you terribly.
When they first moved the headlight dimmer button from the floor to the steering column, there was a major problem they didn't foresee and there was talk of switching it back.
Too many people were getting their foot stuck in the steering wheel.
-
I not only remember the dimmer switch on the floor, I've used one. Also there was a small pedal near the accelerator that was the starter.
OK. This dinosaur will sit down :facepalm:
-
I'm as fast as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. That was hit by a Mack truck. Seven days ago....
-
Where do you hide a Tyrannosaurus Rex on a submarine?
In a small arms compartment.
-
I saw my friend broke down on the side of the road this morning. I didn't stop or feel bad at all, because she had every chance to get that extended warranty
-
I saw a demonstration by a guy who does Origami backwards.
More on this story as it unfolds. :facepalm:
Sorry
-
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
-
I hate when doctors ask questions like "Are you sexually active?"
What do they mean by "active?"
After all, there are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years!
-
I not only remember the dimmer switch on the floor, I've used one. Also there was a small pedal near the accelerator that was the starter.
OK. This dinosaur will sit down :facepalm:
So have I. This particular dinosaur had always thought they were a peculiarity of British car design :facepalm:
-
I have used a starter button on the floor, and on the dash. I’ve also manually crank started an antique car. Those pre-dated my arrival, but I love old cars. I have never stoked the boiler on a Stanley; first car my grandfather drove.
-
Im not that old, but I have driven a truck that used the floor button for lights, but that's it when it comes to old cars. My car now uses a pushbutton start next to the steering wheel, and the truck I drove in the Army had a toggle like switch. I do know how to drive a manual transmission so yay me for breaking that millennial stereotype.
On to the dad joke.
I'm getting tired of these people going door to door with their religious beliefs. Just a minute ago, some guy pounding on my apartment door yelling "save yourself or you'll burn"
Just cant believe they allow these people to preach while in their fire department uniform.
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
That has to be a "blonde" joke... and a good one.
-
They asked me if I had “found“ Jesus Christ. I told them, “I didn’t know he was lost.”
:emot_laughing:
-
Confucius say:
Man who has wife with braces, puts kids behind bars.
-
I took my dog to the lake and was amazed at how good he is at floating.
He's such a good buoy.
-
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"
-
It's finally been revealed why sheepherders wear serapes.
Those dang sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
🐑
-
How are strippers like cats?
Both will sit on your lap but get upset if you try to pet them.
Or so I've been told. I've never had a stripper or a cat. :facepalm:
-
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"
“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." ...........
-
I heard a rumor that it's against the law to laugh too loudly in Hawaii.
Next time I'm there I'll have to remember to keep it to a low ha.
-
"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." ...........
Next time I'm there I'll have to remember to keep it to a low ha.
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Maybe this should be in the TIL thread but I discovered that the ratio of a pig's length to it's girth is a constant 3.145926, no matter its age.. Apparently mathematicians call this the pork pi conjecture.
-
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
Didn't see that coming..
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
Me neither
-
Mrs Obi really worried me last night. Instead of her usual snoring she kept muttering "Gandalf", "Frodo", "Bilbo Baggins", "Tom Bombadil" over and over again.
I was about to shake her awake when I realised she was just Tolkein in her sleep. :facepalm:
-
My dog is so obsessed with where other dogs go to the bathroom, he could be the governor of Florida.
-
A Canadian tourist was exploring the San Francisco's famous Fisherman's Wharf when he noticed a very unique San Francisco food stall. Looking at the long lineup, he studied the sign the entire time he was in line, and indeed, the name did not seem to be a joke. Looking at the sign again, he grinned. Only in San Francisco could you find a LESBIAN ice cream stand.
He listened to customers order Creamy Femme, and Chunky Dyke Supreme, Bisexual Cherry, and of course the famous Scissoring Sunday, but he could not decide. Finally he got to the counter and when the two lesbians behind the till saw his camera, Bermuda shorts, and polo shirt, they knew he was another tourist and sighed deeply.
Grinning cheerfully, he asked "If this were your first time having Lesbian Ice Cream, what flavor would you recommend?"
The two women looked at each other and smirked. In stereo they replied "Pussy flavored!"
Ordering two scoops, he began to walk away. He took a whiff, and indeed, it smelled like the sweetest pussy ever. Starting at the edge of the cone, he ran his tongue from the base to the tip. It tasted terrible!
Turning to the two lesbians in the kiosk, he shouted. "Hey, this ice cream tastes like shit!"
As one, the two lesbians in the kiosk, and every lesbian in lineup shouted back. "TAKE SHORTER LICKS!"
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
WOO
Wasn't sure where this was going. Punch line was great. :emot_laughing:
-
What do you get if you cross a policeman and a skunk?
Law and odor.
(I know, that was a real stinker. Sorry, I just can't help myself. :facepalm:)
-
What do you get if you cross a policeman and a skunk?
Law and odor.
(I know, that was a real stinker. Sorry, I just can't help myself. :facepalm:)
Speaking of stinkers… do they have a special victims unit?
-
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
I was raised Catholic... I did see it coming the instant the word confession came up.
:emot_laughing:
-
I was in line for a matinée showing of Oppenheimer when I heard someone say it was over 3 hours long.
That would have taken me past dinner time so I moved over to the Barbie queue.
-
:emot_laughing:
So bad, it’s good.
-
That's our Purple's specialty. :D
-
Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach.
-
I asked my wife to rate how well I listen to her and she said, "You're an eight on a scale of ten."
My wife is weird sometimes. She goes off on these tangents, and it's hard to keep up with her train of thought.
I'm still trying to figure out why she told me to urinate on a skeleton, instead of answering my question. :emot_weird:
-
Took my adult daughter out to dinner for her birthday. After the meal the waiter handed me the check and asked my daughter, "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?"
With a huge grin on her face, my daughter turned her head and winked at me. The grin disappeared when she turned back to the waiter, looked him in the eye and deadpanned, "No, but I'll arm wrestle you for them."
Be still my heart. I've never been so proud.
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS (Actual writings from hospital charts)
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (OMG! That is some examination)
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
-
13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
Story of my life. :emot_laughing:
-
HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS (Actual writings from hospital charts)
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
What would you call a sexual orientation where you're sexually attracted to both men and women, but neither men nor women are sexually attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
-
:emot_laughing:
-
Revenge Of The Blondes
After Donald Trump, the world is wondering if it is the blonde men, not women, who are actually a bit dumber. Below are some true stories of Blonde men.
-------------
*A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've already wet mine."
------------
* A blonde man sees a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------
*A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her First Child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------
*A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------
*An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "Duh, if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
------------
*A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------
*Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------
*A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are intimate. The whole street was watching and laughing at YOU yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on "ALL OF YOU" because I wasn't even at home yesterday !
-
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 8 9!
-
*A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are intimate. The whole street was watching and laughing at YOU yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on "ALL OF YOU" because I wasn't even at home yesterday !
Saved the best for last. Woo.
-
Earlier today, my dad made a confession that he's not a very good electrician.
People he has done work for were shocked.
-
NASA is planning another space voyage with the purpose of telling any intelligent aliens,
"Sorry for polluting space with all the junk we've left in orbit over the years."
The mission will be named Apollo G.
-
The mission will be named Apollo G.
(https://thunderdungeon.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/FB_IMG_1684075544683-600x874.jpg)
-
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean
all go to a bar..
The doorman stops them and says,
“Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai."
-
That's funny. I hate giving you woo's because they go to your head, but....
#910
-
Why are lesbians never killed in zombie movies?
They know they have been eaten already.
What can lettuce do that cucumbers cannot?
Tell you which version of a tossed salad your date really requested.
If a Christian exorcist pulls demons out of the possessed, what does a Pagan exorcist do?
Pull priests out of choir boys.
-
All good one's Vixin. Really laughed at the last one.
-
Today I was diagnosed with a phobia of german sausages.
My therapist told me that I always feared the würst.
-
Hey, whatever you do, don't knock wurst.
-
:emot_laughing:
-
The Swedish word gråtrunka means to cry while masturbating. The fact that they need such a word is a real tear jerker.
-
The Swedish word gråtrunka means to cry while masturbating. The fact that they need such a word is a real tear jerker.
About the need for words:
A long time ago, before the age of GPS, a friend was travelling across the Mongolian steppe when his driver informed him that they were lost. Luckily they came across a local on a horse and the driver asked him, in Mongolian, the way to a small settlement. The horseman responded with a few sentences in the same language. The driver thanked him and drove off for mile after mile, occasionally changing direction for no apparent reason.
They arrived at their destination and were given a warm welcome. My friend asked his driver how he knew where to change direction. The driver said it was easy: Mongolian, or at least the local dialect of Mongolian, had lots of words describing minute variations in topography that most people wouldn't notice.
-
For Hilda 😂
A truck loaded a thousand of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday, losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, flummoxed, speechless, perplexed, and gobsmacked.
Meanwhile, those waiting for the shipment were at a loss for words.
-
Well I don't know what to say. Tried to WOO this but was told I had to wait 24 hours.
Will try again, if I remember.
Meanwhile... :emot_laughing:
-
For Hilda 😂
A truck loaded a thousand of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday, losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, flummoxed, speechless, perplexed, and gobsmacked.
Meanwhile, those waiting for the shipment were at a loss for words.
[/quote
They were AGOG
-
For Hilda 😂
A truck loaded a thousand of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday, losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, flummoxed, speechless, perplexed, and gobsmacked.
Meanwhile, those waiting for the shipment were at a loss for words.
Had heard this joke before. But first time I've heard it with the last sentence. Funny.
-
My dog knocked over our scrabble table and ate all the wooden letter tiles. We took him to the vet. The vet told us that it was serious; our pup would be in consinent danger until he had a successful vowel movement.
-
Caught my son kicking the ice cube he dropped underneath the refrigerator. At first, I was mad, but now, it's just water under the fridge.
-
Mary had a little lamb and the midwife fainted
-
Just another "Scam" call....
I had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from Pakistan. This is how it went:
"Hello sir, how are you today?"
"I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? More to the point, WHO are you?"
"Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft".
"Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in Pakistan? How's the weather there today?"
" No, sir - MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and -"
"REALLY?? Well, that's quite concerning......"
"Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you -
"No, I meant it's very concerning because you see I don't HAVE a computer".
"You don't?"
"I don't".
"Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir -"
"Don't have one".
"iPad?"
"Nope".
"Tablet?"
"Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone".
After a few seconds of silence, he said "Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!"
I said "Well, you started it!!" and put the phone down.
-
"Well, you started it!"
Classic third grade playground stuff. I love it. :emot_laughing:
Woo
-
Classic third grade playground stuff. I love it.
A question from someone who didn't come up through the K-12 system:
In US movies and TV series I've heard characters say something along the lines of, "What are you, back in third grade?" Is there something about that grade that imbues it with a particular significance?
-
No. At least not that I'm aware of. I usually say 'Kindergarten' because it's easier for Dan to understand when I say it. Plus, he might take "third grade" as me complimenting his intelligence.
-
“Third grade, grade school, playground”… all conjure the same imagery. A bunch of nine-year-old kids learning how to interact unsupervised for the first time in their lives. So there is a certain mob mentality. Testing limits. Testing language. Behavioral traits developed that will follow you the rest of your life.
-
The guy that came up with the heat index died today. He was 83. But he felt like he was 94.
-
:emot_laughing:
That's about how I feel about wind chill.
-
After retiring, Murray and his wife moved into a condo overlooking the ocean in Miami Beach. Every morning, while he ate his breakfast, he would look out the window at the ocean.
Almost every morning, Murray would see a young man sitting on the dock, fishing. It didn't matter if the weather was good, so-so, or downright terrible. This fisherman seemed to go to the dock almost every morning.
After he had lived in his condo for a few months, Murray noticed something. Some mornings, the fisherman would sit on the left side of the dock. Other mornings, he would sit on the right side. And on still other mornings, the fisherman would sit at the end of the dock. There didn't seem to be a pattern to this. Murray wondered how the fisherman decided where to sit when he went fishing.
One morning, Murray decided he would find out. He got dressed, and without eating his breakfast, left the condo and went to the dock, arriving there at the same time as the fisherman.
"Excuse me, sir," Murray said to the fisherman. "I've noticed that sometimes you fish from the left side of the dock, sometimes you fish from the right side of the dock, and sometimes you fish from the end of the dock. How do you decide where to fish from?"
"Well," said the fisherman, "every morning, I wake up and look at my wife. If she's lying on her left side, I fish from the left side of the dock. If she's lying on her right side, I fish from the right side of the dock. If she's lying on her stomach, I fish from the end of the dock."
"That's an interesting method," said Murray, "but what if she's lying on her back?"
The fisherman looked slyly at Murray and said, “Ah my friend, on days like that, I don't go fishing."
-
Talked to an old friend who lives halfway across the country. She said she wanted to move to the West Coast.
When I asked why, she said, "Because I'm tired of living in a constant state of Missouri."
-
My dad asked me once if I knew why Minnesota had so many Norwegians and Missouri had so many mules.
Missouri got first choice. :D
-
My dad asked me once if I knew why Minnesota had so many Norwegians and Missouri had so many mules.
Missouri got first choice. :D
I have eaten more lefse and lutefisk, washed down with aquavit, than I care to recall. Modern Norwegians think their Minnesota relatives are crazy. “We stopped eating that shit when they invented refrigerators!”
Joke: How do you make lutefisk?
Answer: Pack a barrel with cod and lye. Throw out the cod. Eat the lye.
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_weird: :emot_laughing:
-
Did you hear about the over literal prostitute caught shoving men into blast furnaces, pulling them out to slap on an iron table and hit them repeatedly with hammers? When the police arrested her, she told them she was "John Smith".
-
The other night I was too lazy to put my ear buds away before I went to sleep, so I just shoved them under my pillow.
Next morning when I woke up, they were gone, replaced by a $1 bill.
Who knew there was such a thing as a Bluetooth fairy?
(Probably makes a fortune by selling them on e-Bay. Anything he gets over a dollar is pure profit.)
-
Interviewer: Your resume looks good, except for this four year gap. Can you explain that?
Me: That's when I went away to Yale.
Interviewer: Excellent. I'm pleased to tell you that you're hired.
Me: Thank you sir. I really need this yob.
-
I went to buy a new television, but wanted one built in America. Unfortunately all the ones I looked at said
"built in Antenna"...
I don't even know where that is...
-
I’m not saying which cousin…but a cousin just called & asked if I would loan her $1600.00 to help pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out family & friends. I told her to give me some time to think about it & I would call her back. Before I called her back, her sister called & told me that my cousin was lying & not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $1600.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail, so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday. I thought about it for a minute & decided to give her the $1600.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her to come get the money.
A couple of hours later I get a call from the County Jail. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response…. so you & your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
-
I’m not saying which cousin…but a cousin just called & asked if I would loan her $1600.00 to help pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out family & friends. I told her to give me some time to think about it & I would call her back. Before I called her back, her sister called & told me that my cousin was lying & not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $1600.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail, so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday. I thought about it for a minute & decided to give her the $1600.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her to come get the money.
A couple of hours later I get a call from the County Jail. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response…. so you & your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
Okay, You got me. I didn't realize I was in "Joke Of The Day". I was not happy with you for a moment there.
-
I’m not saying which cousin…but a cousin just called & asked if I would loan her $1600.00 to help pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out family & friends. I told her to give me some time to think about it & I would call her back. Before I called her back, her sister called & told me that my cousin was lying & not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $1600.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail, so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday. I thought about it for a minute & decided to give her the $1600.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her to come get the money.
A couple of hours later I get a call from the County Jail. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response…. so you & your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
Okay, You got me. I didn't realize I was in "Joke Of The Day". I was not happy with you for a moment there.
;D ;D ;D
-
Allan said he can't continue our relationship. Says I'm too un-American.
Should have seen this coming from a kilometer away.
-
Old age is great. I'm free to bust loose and be as wild and crazy as I want to be.
Up until 8:30. :facepalm:
-
Don't blame someone else for the road you take
It's your own Asphalt
-
Rumor has it that Elton John takes his pet rabbit with him to the gym every day.
🎶 It's a little fit bunny... 🎶
-
A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’ "Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
******
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?" Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."
******
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a prescription ...Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough!"
******
There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make Wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see Wonders happen. Rest get married and wonder what happened!
******
Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.
******
Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"
******
COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!
******
When a married man says, "I WILL THINK ABOUT IT" - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
******
A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?" The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake! "
-
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?" Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."
Woo. :emot_laughing:
(https://y.yarn.co/dc0a6bce-5df9-4828-8e5e-6caae0e6834e_text.gif)
-
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?" Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."
I remember watching a BBC TV programme in which the reporter interviewed English people who had stayed behind in India after Independence. One of them was a dear, rather melancholy old lady. The reporter noted, "She was married once, but can't remember who to."
-
I man reconciled and began dating his ex-wife. She broke up with him when he proposed.
She figured he was just after his money.
-
Ok...I had to come back to this a second time to catch on. Guess I'm kinda slow this morning. LOL
-
There are actually provisions in the (Texas) family code concerning remarriage to the same person after divorce. And the divorce decree is nullified by the second marriage. So her suspicions may have been correct.
-
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/16k0jco/karate_kid/ (https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/16k0jco/karate_kid/)
[/size]
-
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/16k0jco/karate_kid/ (https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/16k0jco/karate_kid/)
[/size]
:emot_laughing: Woo.
-
Too funny. I'm cracking up.
-
I grilled a chicken for over an hour.
He still wouldn't tell me why he crossed the road.
-
After a lot of talk, some cajoling and even downright begging, I finally convinced my girl to go to an adult toy store with me.
Imagine my surprise when she took one look inside... and grabbed a cart.
-
Now I don't feel so bad about using those hand baskets
-
Cart at the liquor store. I have dropped a bottle or two in the past.
(https://i0.wp.com/thelibertyline.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/IMG_7512.gif?resize=505%2C300&ssl=1)
-
Words of wisdom from the National Park Service
1. It's okay if you fall apart sometimes. S'mores fall apart and we still love them.
2. Don't pet the fluffy cows.
3. To avoid crowds, visit areas that are less crowded.
4. Trails often look more flat on the map.
5. When hiking, the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.
6. If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down... even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
7. One day you'll find someone obsessed with you. It's probably going to be a squirrel.
8. If you hold an ermine up to your ear, you can hear what it's like to be attacked by an ermine.
9. Though most geysers are not predictable, Old Faithful is famous for its regularity.
-
2. Don't pet the fluffy cows.
That would make a good t-shirt…
(https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/shopping?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ008_SzxgzH6pokXPz3Zk7RfI9Y1ITtmYCnsuVTxLqi38dVO4&usqp=CAc)
-
I just did a presentation to my photo club on Bison. I used some of my many Bison pictures, but closed with the picture of a sign that said...
"Don't pet the fluffy cows"
They do look so peaceful and calm when you see them. It's easy to see why so many people are getting gored trying to get selfies.
-
A sadist and a masochist were sitting on a bench together. The masochist turned to the sadist and said, “Hit me!” The Sadist smiled and said, “No.”
-
I've always loved that joke..WOO! :emot_laughing:
-
Bros don't let other bros walk around with an open fly.
It's called the zip code.
-
Two gold fish were in their tank. One looks at that other and says.
You know how to drive this thing?
-
Um...was that from your dad Shiela. :D :emot_kiss:
-
Um...was that from your dad Shiela. :D :emot_kiss:
Where else.
-
Dad's... you gotta love us. :D
-
Bros don't let other bros walk around with an open fly.
It's called the zip code.
My brother in law would point it out for all around to know, by saying loudly, "Hey Steve, you trolling?"
-
(https://thumbs4.imagebam.com/af/c4/9b/MEP7B6G_t.jpeg) (https://www.imagebam.com/view/MEP7B6G)
-
A sign on a business I passed today:
Hookers do not fart, they let out a little prosti-toot
(also PH, left you a gift in the flashing thread.)
Link to referenced gift added by MJ
-
I'm guessing it's more than just a toot...
-
A salesman knocks on a door and a kid answers.
“Hi there, sport! Can I talk to your dad?” The salesman asks.
“No, he’s in the shower right now,” the kid replies.
“Okay, then what about your mom?” The salesman asks.
“She’s in the shower, too,” the kid says.
“Oh! Well, do you think they’ll be out any time soon?” The salesman asks.
“I doubt it,” the kid says, “My dad asked for Vaseline, but I handed him super glue instead.”
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
A woman had identical twin boys, named Amal and Juan.
She only carried one picture in her wallet though. She said, "If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
-
In my hometown we only had two Chinese restaurants, Wang's and Wongs. Wang's had the greatest chicken wings and were always getting calls for takeout.
One problem was their phone numbers were similar and callers would frequently mix them up. One day Wong's owner took a call and immediately heard a request for wings.
He calmly told the caller, "I'm sorry, but you have the Wong number."
-
And here I was sure this was headed to a rated R joke. Wangs and Wongs. Happily surprised by it.
-
:emot_kiss:
-
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, “Do you have the new book about men with small penises?”
The librarian replies, “I can check, but I’m not sure if it’s in yet.”
-
Why did the dandelion take gymnastics classes.
He wanted to be a tumbleweed.
Sorry :facepalm:
-
A Russian and a Czech go missing. The search and rescue crew some across two dead bears, one male and one female. They cut open the female bear first and find the Russian’s remains inside. The lead rescuer looks around and says “You know what this means. The Czech is in the male.”
-
Laughed out loud. Woke up Dan. He's ff to bed now. I'm not far behind.
-
I went to the doctor and told him I had a problem with my hearing.
He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I thought that was an odd question, but I answered anyway. "Yeah, Homer is a fat dude and Marge has blue hair."
-
A boy and girl sit in a Catholic school. The girl falls asleep.
The teacher asks the class, “Who created Earth?”
The boy pokes the girl with the pencil, and she says, “God.” Then she falls back asleep.
The teacher asks the class, “Who were the Holy family?”
The boy pokes the girl with the pencil, and she says, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,” and then she falls back asleep.
The teacher asks the class, “What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?”
The boy pokes the girl with the pencil, and she yells, “If you poke me with that thing one more time, I’ll snap it in half!”
-
Why did Cinderella spend so much time in the pumpkin patch?
She was looking for a new ride.
-
3 funny fellas.
Told Dan the hearing joke. He said, "can you speak up please ". 3funny fellas, and I've got the not so funny one.
-
Amazing what you can overhear in a park.
There was a boy nearby, maybe five years old, climbing a tree while his dad hovered under the branches, ready to catch him if he fell. The boy climbs down out of the huge oak tree, runs up to his dad and asks, "Dad, do trees poop?"
His dad thinks about that for a minute and finally says, "Sure they do. Where do you think #2 pencils come from?"
-
I met a lone wolf today and asked him for a a piece of gum, but he didn't have his pack with him.
-
(https://images4.imagebam.com/53/cb/36/MEPDSZD_o.jpeg)
-
(https://images4.imagebam.com/53/cb/36/MEPDSZD_o.jpeg)
LAWDY... LAWDY. That's so true... and so me
:emot_laughing:
-
(https://images4.imagebam.com/53/cb/36/MEPDSZD_o.jpeg)
LAWDY... LAWDY. That's so true... and so me
:emot_laughing:
Me also. My kids tease me about it now.
-
(https://images4.imagebam.com/53/cb/36/MEPDSZD_o.jpeg)
My dad needs a sign or something that says this. Love it
-
In college, I was in a band called "Dyslexia".
Some of the guys are talking about getting back together so we can record an album of our Greatest Shit.
-
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's Hebrew school teacher.'
-
:emot_laughing:
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Oh my. Woo
-
When my wife is upset, she likes to color in my black and white tattoos.
Sometimes, she just needs a shoulder to crayon.
-
I'm seriously considering banning you from this topic. It will be brought up in the next moderators meeting. Jking woo 386
-
I'm so mad at Allan. While doing laundry, I dropped a whole basket of laundry.
He just stood there and watch it all unfold
-
Two ceiling fans fell madly in love
It was a whirlwind romance. :emot_laughing:
-
Two funny ones, S and B.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
-
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Dad's gonna love that one.
Had a handyman do some work for me. He only did items 1,3 and 5 on the list I gave him.
Turns out he only does odd jobs.
This one may have been posted before, but my brother loves telling it.
How do you know google is a woman?
*You cant get a complete word out before it starts making suggestions.
What's the hardest part about being a vegan?
*keeping it to yourself.
-
:emot_laughing:
They are great, but the vegan joke is funny and so true. :roll:
-
I called my boss and told him I couldn't work today because I have a wee cough.
"You have a wee cough?" he said.
I answered, "Gee that's great. Thanks boss. See you next week."
-
The cardiologist's funeral ended and the mourners watched in silence as the casket was rolled into a bright red replica of a human heart, which was then sealed for all eternity with his coffin inside.
The respectful silence was shattered when a man suddenly burst into hysterical, uncontrollable laughter.
The mourners all glared at him for being so disrespectful at a funeral, but when he finally was able to stop laughing, he apologized.
"Sorry," he said. "I was thinking about my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist."
The attention that had been focused on him then shifted to the proctologist, who had collapsed on the ground after fainting dead away.
-
*insert "shitty death" pun here LoL that funny. Reminds me of the guys in the hospital waiting room joke.
4 guys are sitting in a hosptial waiting room while their pregnant wives are getting a checkup. The nurse comes out and tells the first guy, "congratulations, you're having twins."
The guys replies, "what a coincidence, I just started a job at 2 men and a truck, moving service"
The nurse turns to the next guy and says, "congratulations, you're having triplets."
The guy replies, "wow, and I just started a job at 3com computer company"
The nurse turns the the next man and says, "congratulations, you're having Quadruplets."
The guy replies, "holy crap, I just started a job at The Four Seasons"
The last guy tosses down his magazine and starts heading for the door.
"Sir, where are you going?" Asked the nurse.
"I'm getting the hell out of here, I just got a job at a 7 eleven."
-
7-11. 😆
-
I combined a strong laxative with alphabet soup.
I call it Letter Rip.
-
I combined a strong laxative with alphabet soup.
I call it Letter Rip.
Reminded that my grandmother used to say “never take a strong laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.” I wonder if she had personal experience.
:emot_laughing:
-
Our family just learned that Grandpa has an addiction to Viagra.
The one taking it the hardest is Grandma.
-
Our family just learned that Grandpa has an addiction to Viagra.
The one taking it the hardest is Grandma.
Thats funny. I will use that. Dan might not appreciate it.
"Dan has a Viagra addiction. I'm taking it pretty hard."
I'll let you know how it goes over. hahaha
-
Woo #1684 :emot_laughing:
-
What do you call a potato that wears glasses?
A spec-tater. :facepalm:
As CT would have said, sorry.
-
Q: Why did the man fall down the well?
A: Because he couldn't see that well
I'll get my coat :facepalm:
-
Prostitutes receive sex for money and are called whores.
Since I have sex for free, does that make me a nonprofit whoreganization??
-
I'm starting a support group for procrastinators. Probably tomorrow though.
-
A blonde college coed, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
An hour later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
-
:emot_laughing:
Woo. That was a real groaner. LOL.
-
:emot_laughing:
Woo. That was a real groaner. LOL.
I know right?? What kind if idiot doesn't know what kind of car he drives. Moron.
-
I had a vision of the car dripping house painting with brush marks all over. Funny joke but nightmare when you think about it happening. :emot_laughing:
-
I had a vision of the car dripping house painting with brush marks all over. Funny joke but nightmare when you think about it happening. :emot_laughing:
One of my friends drives an SUV. She wanted to paint a bathroom with a purplish color. Somehow while driving home the can tipped over and opened. The entire back of her vehicle was covered.
-
I know right?? What kind if idiot doesn't know what kind of car he drives. Moron.
Another woo for my Green Bay blonde.
-
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. They were ready to leave when the wife came down with a headache. She told her husband to go ahead to the party, no need to miss it because of her headache. So the husband left for the party.
About an hour later his wife's headache went away and she felt better. She put on her costume and went to the party. As she arrived, she spotted her husband cavorting around the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
The wife sidled up to him and let him go as far as he wished, naturally because he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So they went off to one of the cars and had sex.
Just before midnight unmasking she slipped away and went home, got in bed, and wondered what kind of explanation he would have. As he entered the bedroom she asked, "Did you have a good time? Did you dance much?"
He replied, "You know I never have any fun if you are not with me. When I got there I met some of my friends and we played cards. I lent my costume to some guy. He said he had a terrific time."
-
A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night ... when behind him he hears: Bump.... BUMP.... BUMP.... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... He runs up to his front door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... The terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of Nyquil. Desperate, he heaves the bottle of cough syrup at the casket... and.... the coffin stops.
-
Oh LAWDY! Such a long way to go for a groaner. :emot_laughing:
-
I love both of those. I bet if I tell my dad that coffin one, hell add another 20 minutes of story to it.
Woo to both
-
Q: Why don't you ever have an unexpected pregnancy with a vampire?
A: Because they can't come inside without asking permission.
Q: Why are male ghosts attracted to female ghosts
A: Because of their boo-bies.
-
“A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her. So she asks him why he is staring, and he answers, ‘I have a question I need to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you.’
The nun replies, ‘My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’
The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, ‘Well it’s like this; I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me.’
The nun replies, ‘Okay, well, let’s see what we can do about that, shall we? There are two conditions though — firstly, you have to be single, and, secondly, you must be Catholic.’
The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, yes! I am single, and I’m Catholic too!’ The nun then says, ‘Okay, then, pull into the next alley.’
The cab driver does so, and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry.
The nun sees this and asks him, ‘My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?’
The cab driver says, ‘You must forgive me, sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you — I must confess that I’m married, and I’m also Jewish.’
The nun laughs and says, ‘That’s okay, my name is Kevin, and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.’”
-
‘That’s okay, my name is Kevin, and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.’
Woo. :emot_laughing:
-
Woo 1217 msslave
Did not see that one coming. :emot_laughing:
-
All great jokes, keep them coming. One of my favorite threads first thing in the morning.
-
Happy "Yay, my car clock finally has the right time again" day for those of you who celebrate.
Or as Paul Simon might say:
Hello darkness, my old friend. Why are you here, it's 4pm.
-
I use to chase skirts ALL over the world. Well, until I got to Scotland. Man, did I ever get a surprise. ;D ;D ;D
-
Happy "Yay, my car clock finally has the right time again" day for those of you who celebrate.
Or as Paul Simon might say:
Hello darkness, my old friend. Why are you here, it's 4pm.
;D and a woo
-
I use to chase skirts ALL over the world. Well, until I got to Scotland. Man, did I ever get a surprise. ;D ;D ;D
I heard the men don't wear undies under their skirts, or Blue Eyes.
Can you confirm?
-
I use to chase skirts ALL over the world. Well, until I got to Scotland. Man, did I ever get a surprise. ;D ;D ;D
I heard the men don't wear undies under their skirts, or Blue Eyes.
Can you confirm?
OK, first off, Scottish men wear kilts, not skirts.
Secondly, I've never worn a skirt, and finally...
I will ABSOLUTELY confirm! I NEVER, EVER wear undies....well, as long as you don't count my wife's...
-
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
The sheep in the field learned to run when they heard a zipper.
-
So I now heard that cocaine was legal in Oregon, but straws aren't.
That's gotta' be frustrating...
-
Whoever came up with the name for dentures must have had all the imagination of a rock.
Why not use a word that describes what they are?
Like... substitooths.
-
Whoever came up with the name for dentures must have had all the imagination of a rock.
Why not use a word that describes what they are?
Like... substitooths.
That's funny Purple.
It reminds me of my daddy's mother. She had no filter and would often be offensive and rude when speaking with people.
Daddy told us of a time they were having a family meeting, his mother began belittling daddy's younger brother about something trivial. After some awkward silence my daddy said, "Sometime you need to bite your tongue, mom." She didn't have her dentures in at the time.
#truestory
Unless she was out in public, the woman never wore her dentures. As a little girl, it scared the heck out of me. She used to say it helped with her diet. She never ate without her teeth in, but if they were in, she would snack all day. She weighed close to 200 pounds at 5'6".
Why do dentists call them "Tooth X-rays"
They should be called "Tooth Pics"
-
Why do dentists call them "Tooth X-rays"
They should be called "Tooth Pics"
Woo 1702 for Tooth Pics.
And now back on topic...
For the inventor of autocorrect, there's a special place waiting for them when they die... in hello.
-
For the inventor of autocorrect, there's a special place waiting for them when they die... in hello.
Reminds me of this joke, which I might have even heard here.....
A priest, a monk and and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at the rabbit and asks, "What are you doing here?"
The rabbit says, "Autocorrect"
-
Two college students were dating, and she wanted to being her boyfriend home to meet her family. Her mom was polite to the man getting to know him, and the dad was doing what dad's do. However, it was the girls rather attractive sister, that really stood out. Nice top, and a short skirt with a bubbly attitude.
She went to the fridge and with the door open bent straight at the waste giving him a view up her skirt and at her panties. The rest of the family didnt take notice. Against when she went to throw something in the garbage she needlessly bent over to give him a show. She never did it anywhere else except for when he would get an eyeful.
Later on, the mom and dad said they needed to run to the store, and the girlfriend said she'd go with. The boyfriend went to get his stuff to follow, but the girlfriend to him to stay, she was going to buy him a gift. He thought no problem hed just watch some tv. When the sister said she didnt want to go and that she was going to stay home, he got nervous.
Once they left, the sister immediately approached him. She pressed up against him and said. "They'll be gone for hours. I think your extremely attractive, and I want you. I'm going to go upstairs to my room, take off all my clothes and lay in bed with my door unlocked. If you want any of what I've shown you so far, just walk though the door, and I'll give it all to you."
He watched as she turned, walked up the stairs and then stopped at the top. She reached under her skirt and removed her panties. With a flick of the wrist she tossed them down the stairs, and then turned walked into her room leaving the door open a crack.
The boyfriend immediately turned and walked straight for the dront door. He practically threw the door open and marched out into the front yards. Walked straight across the yard and into the street heading straight for his car. The moment he grabbed the door handle, the father stood up from where he was hiding behind the car.
"Congratulations young man," said the dad, "I know it was highly unorthodox, but you passed the test. I'd be very proud if you and my daughter continued to date."
The father clapped the young man on the shoulder complimenting his commitment, but all he could think about was how grateful he was that he kept his condoms in the car.
-
Well, that earned WOO 2531. Loved it. :emot_laughing: :emot_kiss:
-
TL; DR
(https://i.giphy.com/media/Z1LYiyIPhnG9O/giphy.webp)
-
Our federal government hard at work...
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.
-
The cabbage trope is popular for both the US and EU and equally false.
https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/cabbage-memo/
The great cabbage myth https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-35962999
I know it’s * a joke *. LOL.
-
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," he says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replies.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.
The little girl countered, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.
-
Love it Mr. Shoes
-
Cute. Now how did the girl manage to tie that knot, without having her eyes scratched out?
:emot_laughing:
-
An old man was caught speeding over a hundred miles per hour in a new Challenger.
The state trooper who stopped him was tired from a long shift and offered the man a way out of getting a ticket.
"Sir, its been a long shift, I get off in half an hour, if you can give me a reason for your speeding I have not heard before, I will let you go with a warning."
The old man thinks for a second, and replies:
"Years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper, I thought you were bringing her back."
The Trooper laughed and said:
"You have a good night sir."
-
Cute. Now how did the girl manage to tie that knot, without having her eyes scratched out?
:emot_laughing:
[/quote
Women Power, she had her younger brother tie it.
-
Women Power, she had her younger brother tie it.
LoL! I was thinking that too. Also, Dad will do anything for his daughter
-
Henry was a middle-aged single guy working in the family business.
He toiled at a lowly paid position for years, until finally his father was on his deathbed. His father said Henry would inherit a fortune, nearly $100 million! The one stipulation he imposed was that Henry would need a wife before he could inherit the vast estate.
One evening at an investment meeting Henry spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few weeks, my father will die, and I'll inherit 100 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman accepted his business card.
Five days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
-
Five days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
Oh, so cold… LOL. Woo.
-
Isnt that a prono??
"Oh no stepmom, you dropped your Tiffany earring under the coffee table"
-
A store that sells husbands has just opened in San Diego where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store has six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good-looking.
"Hmm, better," she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day.
-
That's a big WOO. I remember seeing that joke many years ago but had forgotten the details. Thanks for bringing it back. :D
-
If I visit a british website, will I be asked if I accept the sites biscuits?
-
The elderly man could not stop in time and drove into the back of a new BMW.
The driver popped out of the new car and angrily walked back to confront the old man.
"This is an expensive car you hit" he yelled.
"I demand $10000 right now or I will beat the hell out you"
the old man was shaken but said, "I don't have that kind of money, but let me call
my son, he is nearby and trains dolphins"
He called his son, explained what happened then the irate driver grabbed the phone
and yelled, "What kind of a wimp trains dolphins? No matter, I need $10000 right now or I will
beat the shit our of you and your old man." The son replied, "I will be there in ten minutes."
10 minutes later a jeep wagoneer came to a screeching halt and a big guy gets out and
commences to wipe up the street with the BMW driver. When done, he told his father,
"Go home and don't worry about this any longer and for the last time Dad, It's Seals, I train Seals, not Dolphins.
-
WOO #1764 for Staci. I had no idea where that joke was going until the punch line. Great!!!
-
I was thinking Miami dolphins. This was much better!
-
I thought of football players too, and you're right. This was better.
Woo 1765.
-
I just spent $1000 to rent a limousine and found out that it doesn't come with a driver.
Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
-
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee licence?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. "This duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert.
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
Great one! Oh WOO
-
I wanna give two Woos, one for the joke, and another just because you used the word ornery🤣
-
hits home eh? lol. easier to spell than cantankerous is all
-
Woo for staci!
-
My boss asked me why I only get sick on workdays. I told him, “I don’t know, it must be my weekend immune system.”
What do you call the sexuality of a person who is attracted to men and women, but no one is attracted to them? Bi-Yourself
Tequila may not fix your life, but it’s worth a shot.
My doctor told me I am going deaf. The news was hard to hear.
-
“Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?
“Because your mom loves Easter. It’s an anagram.
“Thanks for explaining.
“No problem, Alan.”
-
:emot_laughing:
-
A boy comes home from school and excitedly tells his father, "dad, I think I'm in love with a girl at school. Her name is Amber and she's very pretty."
The son shows his dad a picture, who shakes his head and tells his son. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you can't date amber, because she is your sister. Just please dont tell your mother."
The boy is disappointed but the next day tells amber why he can't date her.
A few weeks later, the boy again comes home and tells his father, "dad. I met a new girl today, and I think I'm in love with her. Her name is Elizabeth, and she is really smart."
Again after the father is shown a picture, shakes his head and tells his son, "I'm sorry, but you cannot date Elizabeth, she too is also your sister. Please just dont tell your mother."
Again the boy goes to school and tells Elizabeth why they cant date.
A few more weeks go by, and the boy comes home and goes to his father. He shows his dad a picture of another girl and just asks, "what about her dad?"
The dad looks at the picture and shakes his head, "I'm sorry son..."
The turns around disgusted and storms upstairs and into his room slamming the door hard. The boom gets his mother's attention who knocks and goes into the boys room.
"Honey, what's gotten you so angry?"
He was so mad at his dad about all this, that he just let it out. "Mom! I promised not to say anything, but I had enough. I fell in love three times, and every single time dad tells me I cant see them because they are my sisters."
His mother smiles and shakes her head. "Oh honey, dont listen to him, he's not your father."
-
WOO. Loved it.
-
WOO. Loved it.
Also. WOO.
-
Experts believe that some day electric vehicles will rule the road, because gas vehicles can never be in charge.
-
I always knock on the fridge door before I open it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
-
What's the difference between a joke and three dicks?
Some women can't take a joke.
-
So the Indians caught the Lone Ranger. They took him in a tent and said, " you get three wishes over three days. If your wishes do not save you, we will kill you." Indian continues, " so whats the first wish?" The Lone Ranger says" I wanna talk to my horse." So they take the lone Ranger to his horse and he whispers in silvers ear. Silver runs off and the ranger goes back to the tent. Later on Silver returns with a beautiful Blonde lady. She spends the night and in the morning the Indians have the same question. " what's the second wish?" Again the Ranger says " i wanna talk to my horse." He whispers in Silvers ear. As before, the ranger goes back to the tent, and Silver leaves, returning this time with a Brunette. She spends the night. On the last day the indians ask again. " Remember this is your last wish. You can still save yourself. So what's the wish?" The Lone Ranger, with his head down said," I wanna talk to my horse." Again whispering in his ear. Same as before, back to the tent and Silver leaves. This time returning with a Red head lady. The indians brought the Ranger out and said," look what horse brought you. Now we have to kill you." The ranger said "before you do, I wanna say good bye to my horse." He walks up to Silver, grabs both ear pulling them straight up and yells at the top of his voice, " I SAID POSSE!”
-
That's a holiday WOO. 🦃 :emot_laughing:
-
A husband says to his wife: “The guys at the golf course were saying that our mailman has slept with every woman on this street except one…”
His wife replies: “I bet it’s Beth!”
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
I saw a job listing for MacDonald's farm.
Seems they want to hire a new C-E-I-E-I-O.
-
I saw a job listing for MacDonald's farm.
Seems they want to hire a new C-E-I-E-I-O.
-
I ate a watch once… It was time consuming.
-
Woo 1457 Obi, for 'New' Old MacDonald video.
-
What is 6.9?
A good thing ruined by a period
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
I was lying in bed the other day with Mrs Obi beside me when she suddenly turned and asked "if I died would you re-marry?"
I said "of course, you know I am hopeless at looking after myself and would need someone to do all the cooking and cleaning"
She then asked "would you stay in this house with a new wife?"
I answered "yes, it's in a good location and worth a lot of money"
Next question was "would you sleep in this bed with her?"
"I don't see why not, its good quality and not very old"
Finally "would you let her use my golf clubs?"
"Definitely not, she's left handed"
-
You bum! hahaha
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Today, I went to see a physic. I knocked on her door. “Who is it she yelled?” I left.
-
Today, I went to see a physic. I knocked on her door. “Who is it she yelled?” I left.
But what would the psychic have said?
Sorry - couldn't quell my inner pedant - will boo myself :emot_bottomspank:
-
Not really a joke, but it was extremely funny. Allan and I went to get some drinks after our pomp in the gaming chair, and while we were at the counter, he turned around and looked at the man behind us. He was quite large, wearing a sweatshirt, shorts and the WHITEST shoes I'd have seen, but on his heat he had a KC beanie. He was also a black man, the only reason that I feel is important is because of what happened next.
Allan looked at him and said, "you're wearing that hat for Taylor Swift aren't ya'!"
He obviously didn't listen to TayTay. We all busted out laughing including the two clerks behind the counter. I then started singing the "shake it off" lyrics.
Allan then said, "join her, come on, we know you know the words."
You had to be there!
-
How is a British tennis tournament similar to a star of "Friends"?
One is Cockney Courts and the other is Courtney Cox.
-
What do you call a broke Santa?
St. Nickle-less
What is the best Christmas gift?
A broken drum. You just can’t beat it.
Did you know that Santa’s helpers actually get depressed?
Low Elf-esteem.
-
what is the difference between a Snowman and Snowwoman? Snow Balls
-
Here's a joke my brother just texted me.
What does penicillin and Shiela_m have in common?
They were both created by accident...
Ha...
Ha...
Ha.
-
That's cute :emot_laughing:
-
Here's a joke my brother just texted me.
What does penicillin and Shiela_m have in common?
They were both created by accident...
Ha...
Ha...
Ha.
In the words of Bob Ross, there are nothing but happy accidents. Shiela you have a purpose and are truly wonderful.
I don't know if I told this one before, but...
One day a biker wife was crying to her mother, It seems that she and her husband were to be audited by the IRS.
She asks her mother what to wear to the IRS Office.
Her mother replies "Like your Honeymoon, it does not matter what you wear, your gonna get fucked and screwed."
-
That's cute :emot_laughing:
Love having something in common with my brother 🤣😂😘
-
The tiny raindeer were concerned about one of their own, Comet who doesn't have the Christmas spirit. What's his problem asked Donner? "His wife flew off to Vegas and blew 50 bucks"
-
That's some big bucks.
-
During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
-
Purp, that joke sort of reminds me of the documentary I watched the other night called "Paper".
It was tearable.
jk. Your joke was cute. My joke was terrible though. ;)
-
I see what you did there, Jules. Very clever. :-*
Now some free legal advice. Don't throw sodium chloride at people.
It's a salt.
-
When I was younger, I was very smitten with a foreign exchange student. He was from Germany. I kept asking him for his phone # but he would only give me the first digit. "Nien"
(Better told then typed out)
-
:emot_laughing: Got it anyway.
-
Q. Why does Santa's sack bulge.
A. Because he only comes once a year
-
Two slices of bread were getting married.
The wedding was perfect, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
-
Just butter them up.
-
:facepalm:
-
A man dies and St. Peter meets him at the gates of the afterlife.
St Peter says "before we decide in which part of the afterlife you should be placed we must look at your truth clock".
The man is lead into a vast warehouse completely filled with clocks that have the second hand in a variety of locations.
St. Peter says "each clock represents a single person's life and the second hand moves once every time they tell a lie. That clock over there that hasn't moved is Mother Theresa's and that clock that has moved only twice is Abraham Lincoln's"
The man asks "I would love to see Boris Johnson's and Donald Trump's clocks".
St. Peter replies "then look up, we're using them as ceiling fans".
-
Must have been pretty drafty in that warehouse. ;D
*****
Q: What's a Christmas tree's favorite candy?
A: Ornamints
-
Got into a heated discussion with Allan last night about my sexual appetite. He thinks I may ha e a problem and should seek help.
I told him my appetite is perfectly normal.
He than accused me of masturbating too much if we dont have sex on a regular basis.
I got really mad and started screaming at him that I don't do it too much, and then said, "what's next, you going to tell me I'll go blind?"
He replied with, "as soon as you stop yelling at the coat rack."
-
Got into a heated discussion with Allan last night about my sexual appetite. He thinks I may ha e a problem and should seek help.
I told him my appetite is perfectly normal.
He than accused me of masturbating too much if we dont have sex on a regular basis.
I got really mad and started screaming at him that I don't do it too much, and then said, "what's next, you going to tell me I'll go blind?"
He replied with, "as soon as you stop yelling at the coat rack."
Lol, woo for you!
-
I started reading this without noticing it was in “joke of the day.” LOL. You had me worried for a minute. Woo.
-
I started reading this without noticing it was in “joke of the day.” LOL. You had me worried for a minute. Woo.
That's happened to me a few times. Hahaha.
-
Q: What do automobiles like to spread on their English muffins in the morning?
A: Traffic jam.
-
Q: What do Santa's elves listen to at work?
A: Wrap music
-
Q. Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A. Because he always comes down the chimney.
-
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace. So I bought her nothing. :emot_laughing:
-
Had to read it twice. Slowly. LOL.
-
It's not too bad unless you have to move your lips. :D
-
What did Adam say to his significant other when she reported yet another headache the day before Christmas ?
Oh, c'mon. It's Christmas, Eve.
-
What is a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
-
What is a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
Good one Shy. :emot_laughing: My grandkids will be hearing that one later this morning.
And, one last Christmas joke for everyone. I have an irrational fear of being in a room with Santa. You've probably heard of the condition. It's called Claus-trophobia. 🎅
-
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
“This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but it’s like the Hope diamond; there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”
“What’s the curse?” the man asked.
“Mr. Klopman.”
-
:emot_laughing:
-
An Irish lass had not been home for over five years since going away to college. When she returned, one New Year's Eve, her father questioned her mercilessly.
“Where have ye been all this time? Why didn’t you write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old ma through?”
The girl started crying as she replied, “Daddy, I became a... a prostitute.”
“Ye what now?! Get out of this house, ye shameless girl! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”
“Okay, Daddy… as ye wish. I just came back to give Ma this luxurious fur coat, the title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for $5-million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club and… an invitation for all of ye to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera.”
“Wait. What was it ye said ye had become?” asks Dad.
Still sniffling, the girl says, ”A prostitute, Daddy.”
“Oh! Saints be praised! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said… a PROTESTANT! Now, come here and give yer old man a hug!”
-
How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They all use gaslighting.
-
My bedside table broke after only one night.
Oh well...I guess it was just a one night stand. :facepalm:
-
My bedside table broke after only one night.
Oh well...I guess it was just a one night stand. :facepalm:
Actually, I could use a one night stand. As a matter of fact, I could use two. I have two lamps....
-
My bedside table broke after only one night.
Oh well...I guess it was just a one night stand. :facepalm:
;D ;D ;D
-
Why don't planets form closer together?
They need space!
-
Did you guys know my penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records? 8)
..but then the librarian demanded I take it back out :'(
:emot_laughing: :facepalm:
-
(https://i.imgur.com/IgVFQm4.jpg)
Funny, but then I realized I do this. :facepalm: :emot_laughing:
-
Especially in a recliner with the footrest up. After dinner. Watching a boring game on television.
Yep, just about every night.
Woo.
-
Sometimes I call my exes and when they answer, I say,
"See this is why we broke up, you're always answering calls from your exes!"
-
I used to laugh at clown running around throwing cream pies in people's faces, but now I realize that I too, have been cream pies by clowns...😕
-
Did you know that Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
-
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
I didn't know that .
When the chips are converted into dollars are they then transported back to the churches by cash cows ?
Nicky x [aiready apologetic]
-
The Chipmunks were created by Ross S. Bagdasarian, an Armenian American. So the Chip monks are likely Orthodox, not Catholic.
-
Chip monks. Wondered where the joke was going 😂
What do you have if you read RATS backwards?
Dyslexia!
-
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They all sit in the dark and cry.
-
So I'm sitting there watching a show and my stomach starts rumbling!
He says "Holy crap, that was loud"
I said, "it's all your disobedient kids I swallowed, they're in there fighting"
-
So I'm sitting there watching a show and my stomach starts rumbling!
He says "Holy crap, that was loud"
I said, "it's all your disobedient kids I swallowed, they're in there fighting"
Love you.
-
Early one morning a husband gets up out of bed and quietly gets dressed. He silently makes his way downstairs and gets his coffee and food ready. He goes out in the garage and quietly loads up his truck with fishing gear and the works on connecting his boat. He gets in the truck and starts it up and opens the garage door. He begins driving out when he realizes the weather is terrible. He turns on the radio to find there is a massive rain storm with 50 mph winds.
The husband shuts down his truck and closes the garage door. He makes his way back inside and makes his way back upstairs. He quietly gets undressed and climbs back into bed and snuggle up spoons his wife.
He whispers into his wife's ear, "The weather is horrid out there today"!
"I know, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it"
-
Hahahaha love it !!
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
:emot_laughing: and a woo
-
Mr Tickle was in love and proposed to the girl of his dreams.
However, his girl, Tess, was reluctant to take on his surname.
-
Was she thinking of her beau Mr. Tease?
-
Why do you never see a snowman buying carrots?
Because it's wrong to pick your nose!
-
I had to reshare this because it's relevant again...
This happened in February.........
So, two Texans get sent to hell. The devil goes to visit them and finds just as happy as can be.
"What are you two so happy about?" he asks.
The Texans explain that it's been damn cold where they've been and they are enjoying the temperature. Satan gets angry, marches off to the furnace room and orders Hitler to turn up the temperature. Satan returns to the Texans and finds them having a barbecue. Satan then realizes that he's been doing this all wrong so he returns to the furnace room and orders Pol Pot to turn down the furnace all the way. The temperature in hell then becomes below zero. Satan then returns to the Texans and finds them rejoicing.
"What are you so happy about?" Satan roars.
The Texans explain:"Hell froze over. That meant that the Cowboys won the Super Bowl!!"
-
In 1995, Jerry Jones allegedly “made a deal with god” that said if the Cowboys won Super Bowl 30, he'd never ask to win the Super Bowl again. So far, god is honoring that agreement.
-
A priest decided one day to go on a vacation. He has never really taken time for himself, so he thought why not, he deserves it. He then decided to go someplace where nobody would figure he would go, and nobody would know he was a priest, a get away where being a priest would be left behind, so he picked a place in the tropics.
He gets there and decides he needed some outrageous clothes just to be sure no one would know he was a priest. HE bought some colorful shorts and very bright colored shirt And went out to the beach.
While He was relaxing he notices this gorgeous blonde with an amazing body in a one piece bathing suit walking straight towards him, and smiling right at him. He started feeling a bit uncomfortable with how hes feeling but cant take his eyes off this beautiful woman.
She get right next to him, and nods he head and say, "good day, Father!" Smiles again and walks off. Stunned he watched he walk away wondering how she knew he was a priest.
The next say he swings by the shop and buys an even brighter shirt with no sleeves and some swim trunks with tiny little devils on them figuring there is no way anybody would guess he's a priest this time.
Again whole relaxing on the beach, he sees the same blonde woman this time in a bright red bikini showing off much more skin. As she approached him, he figured she may think she made a mistake calling him Father.
She stepped up close to him, gave a slight nod of her head and said, "good day Father!" Smiled and walked off. Again he was confused on what was giving it away.
So the next day he goes off and buys a new swimsuit close to a speedo. Something that no priest would ever wear, and went down to the beach. This time for sure if the same woman saw him, she would have to think she made a mistake.
While relaxing on the beach again this beautiful blonde walked towards him. This time in a hardly there bikini. Just enough fabric covered her to be sure she was not naked. Again she walked right towards him smiling.
She stepped up right next to him, smiled gave him a nod and said, "good day Father." And starts to walk away.
Completely confused he finally speaks up, "excuse me ma'am, but how do you know that I am a priest?"
She gives him a long look up and down, enough to make him feel uncomfortable in his small suit, and then says, "it's my Father, sister Ashley."
-
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
Now, I'm at the hospital......... waiting to be seen.
Sorry
-
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
Now, I'm at the hospital......... waiting to be seen.
Sorry
;D ;D ;D
-
A guy came up to me today and said "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam." I told him "Relax man, you're two tents."
Thank you, I'll see myself out. :emot_laughing:
-
A guy came up to me today and said "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam." I told him "Relax man, you're two tents."
Thank you, I'll see myself out. :emot_laughing:
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
From my dad:
Dinosaurs are believed to be slow!
If a dinosaur of any kind were to race a human being, the dinosaur would easily lose, because all dinosaurs are dead!...
:facepalm:
-
From my dad:
Dinosaurs are believed to be slow!
If a dinosaur of any kind were to race a human being, the dinosaur would easily lose, because all dinosaurs are dead!...
:facepalm:
:facepalm: :facepalm: ;D
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/kg5GVgrT/joke.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
-
From my dad:
Dinosaurs are believed to be slow!
If a dinosaur of any kind were to race a human being, the dinosaur would easily lose, because all dinosaurs are dead!...
:facepalm:
(https://i.postimg.cc/kg5GVgrT/joke.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
One spring day a fly was buzzing along a mountain stream.
A trout in the stream looked up and said, "You know, if that fly was to drop down 6 inches I could leap up out of this stream, catch that fly and have myself a nice little dinner."
About that same time on the side of the stream was this bear behind a rock and that bear look out over the stream and said "You know, if that fly was to drop down 6 inches that trout would leap out of the stream to get the fly, I could reach out and grab that trout and have myself a nice little dinner."
About that same time on the other side of the stream was a hunter and that hunter was looking out over the stream and said "You know, if that fly was to drop down 6 inches that trout would leap out of the stream to get the fly and that bear would come out from behind that rock to grab the trout and I could shoot that bear and have myself a nice little dinner."
About that same behind the hunter was this little mouse and the little mouse was looking out over the stream and said "You know, if that fly was to drop down 6 inches that trout would leap out of the stream to get the fly and that bear would come out from behind that rock to grab the trout and this hunter would shoot that bear and while he is busy with that bear I could grab his cheese sandwich and have myself a nice little dinner."
About that same time on a ledge above the mouse was a cat and that cat was looking out over the stream and said "You know, if that fly was to drop down 6 inches that trout would leap out of the stream to get the fly and that bear would come out from behind that rock to grab the trout and that hunter would shoot that bear and while he was busy with that bear that mouse would come out from under this ledge and grab his cheese sandwich and I could leap down and grab the mouse and have myself a nice little dinner."
Well what happened that fateful day is that fly did drop down 6 inches, that trout leaped out of the stream to get the fly, that bear came out from behind that rock and grabbed the trout and that hunter shot the bear and while he was busy with the bear the mouse came out from under the ledge and grab his cheese sandwich and the cat leaped down and missed and landed in the stream.
Do you you know the moral of the story? Anytime a fly drops 6 inches a pussy is going to get wet.
-
One spring day a fly was buzzing along a mountain stream.
A trout in the stream looked up and said, "You know, if that fly was to drop down 6 inches I could leap up out of this stream, catch that fly and have myself a nice little dinner."
About that same time on the side of the stream was this bear behind a rock and that bear look out over the stream and said "You know, if that fly was to drop down 6 inches that trout would leap out of the stream to get the fly, I could reach out and grab that trout and have myself a nice little dinner."
About that same time on the other side of the stream was a hunter and that hunter was looking out over the stream and said "You know, if that fly was to drop down 6 inches that trout would leap out of the stream to get the fly and that bear would come out from behind that rock to grab the trout and I could shoot that bear and have myself a nice little dinner."
About that same behind the hunter was this little mouse and the little mouse was looking out over the stream and said "You know, if that fly was to drop down 6 inches that trout would leap out of the stream to get the fly and that bear would come out from behind that rock to grab the trout and this hunter would shoot that bear and while he is busy with that bear I could grab his cheese sandwich and have myself a nice little dinner."
About that same time on a ledge above the mouse was a cat and that cat was looking out over the stream and said "You know, if that fly was to drop down 6 inches that trout would leap out of the stream to get the fly and that bear would come out from behind that rock to grab the trout and that hunter would shoot that bear and while he was busy with that bear that mouse would come out from under this ledge and grab his cheese sandwich and I could leap down and grab the mouse and have myself a nice little dinner."
Well what happened that fateful day is that fly did drop down 6 inches, that trout leaped out of the stream to get the fly, that bear came out from behind that rock and grabbed the trout and that hunter shot the bear and while he was busy with the bear the mouse came out from under the ledge and grab his cheese sandwich and the cat leaped down and missed and landed in the stream.
Do you you know the moral of the story? Anytime a fly drops 6 inches a pussy is going to get wet.
lol. WOO!
-
I'm not saying Mrs Obi is a bad cook, but she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
-
:emot_laughing:
Woo!
-
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
-
·
An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
WOO Staci
-
My son was chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently.
-
My son was chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently.
Watt ?
-
When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
-
Is it true that a constipated mathematician................ works it out with a pencil ?
-
There was a huge sale at the LEGO store.
People were lined up for blocks.
Backing out slowly now :facepalm:
-
With my wife it was sex, sex, sex......
Yes, three times in over 50 years.
-
Me: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
Wife: No, what happened?
Me: The teacher called the parents and they told her just to wake him up.
Wife: *expletive deleted*
-
Me: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
Wife: No, what happened?
Me: The teacher called the parents and they told her just to wake him up.
Wife: *expletive deleted*
Hahahahaha , the proof here that I am a true blonde . I read this joke four times before I got it !!!!!
Thicky Nicky x
-
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones........
...... but the people in Abu Dhabi doooooooooo
IGMC
-
Woo. :emot_laughing:
-
WHOOSH
and I am not blonde
-
I will say my son has cleared customs in Abu Dhabi twice, as a teenager traveling alone to Tanzania, and I realized he really was a man after doing that.
-
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones........
...... but the people in Abu Dhabi doooooooooo
IGMC
Spit out my drink :emot_laughing:
Woo!
-
Blonde woman had researched all about ice fishing and decided to try it. Got on the ice, set up her portable abode, her chair and her poles. Started to drill a round hole. Suddenly a deep loud voice said THERE ARE NO FISH Under the ice. She looked all around, picked all of her gear and moved about 50 feet. Once again she set up the little shed and her chair and poles, grabbed her saw and heard ThERE ARE NO FISH under the ice. She is now confused but moves further down the ice, sets everything up and gets ready to saw. She hears THERE ARE NO FISH under the ice. She looke heavenward and yelled IS THAT YOU LORD? The loud voice answered NO THIS IS THE ICERINK MANAGER and THERE IS NO FISH under the ice
-
WHOOSH
and I am not blonde
Ah, too young to remember the wonderful Flinstones (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Flintstones) ;D
My favourite line was when Fred and Barney were running for the passenger-propelled bus. They jumped on and one says to the other "good job we made it or we would have had to walk to work"
-
Love it Staci. I LOLd
And proud to give you 1792.
A favorite bourbon, named for the year Kentucky became a state.
-
WOO #1793 for Staci. No, I have no idea if anything happened in 1793 but I'm sure someone.here will come up with something. :emot_laughing:
-
Sure, pick on us blondes. ;D ;D :emot_kiss:
-
Sure, pick on us blondes. ;D ;D :emot_kiss:
It's what we're here for ,lol ....................other peeps's entertainment :emot_kiss:
Blonde Nicky x
-
Sure, pick on us blondes. ;D ;D :emot_kiss:
I know right? Even I know god wouldn't be managing an icerink, but I'm still confused on what happened to the fish...
-
Our lovely blonde members...... 8) 8) :emot_kiss:
(https://i.postimg.cc/rFjMX58R/515428-f68f946-900x2999.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
-
Our lovely blonde members...... 8) 8) :emot_kiss:
(https://i.postimg.cc/rFjMX58R/515428-f68f946-900x2999.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
So I recognise me [tiny tits on the right] but where are YOU !! :emot_kiss:
-
So I recognise me [tiny tits on the right] but where are YOU !! :emot_kiss:
Taking the picture. 😎
-
My balloon elephant was too big to fit in the back seat of my car.
So, I popped the trunk.
-
Kansas police arrest a man for drunk and disorderly conduct after finding him trying to insert his penis into the exhaust pipe of a car. (true story)
It must have been "exhausting" for him. ;D ;D
-
If you're desperate, sometimes any hole will do. I'm guessing the pipe was cool and not just been running. :emot_weird:
-
A blonde was driving down the highway when she sees a police officer coming up behind her with lights and sirens going. She pulls over confused on what she had done wrong.
The police officer walks up to her car and begins yelling at her, "What the hell are you doing? You're going to kill people driving like that? What were you thinking? Are you crazy?"
Confused the blonde just looks at the office with wide eyes, "what did I do wrong?"
"Really?" The officer was very angry now, "I clocked you doing 140mph! That's what you did wrong!"
Now the blonde was really confused. "I was in the correct lane for people driving slower, because my car doesn't go 149mph, didnt think I'd be pulled over for going under the speed limit!" She then points at the sign that sat just down the road from them.
Finally realizing what he was dealing with the officer closes his eyes in exasperation as says, "ma'am the speed limit is 65mph. 149 are the highway number signs."
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
So I recognise me [tiny tits on the right] but where are YOU !! :emot_kiss:
Taking the picture. 😎
Ha, If that were true we would not be looking straight at the camera :emot_kiss: :emot_kiss:
-
A blonde was driving down the highway when she sees a police officer coming up behind her with lights and sirens going. She pulls over confused on what she had done wrong.
The police officer walks up to her car and begins yelling at her, "What the hell are you doing? You're going to kill people driving like that? What were you thinking? Are you crazy?"
Confused the blonde just looks at the office with wide eyes, "what did I do wrong?"
"Really?" The officer was very angry now, "I clocked you doing 140mph! That's what you did wrong!"
Now the blonde was really confused. "I was in the correct lane for people driving slower, because my car doesn't go 149mph, didnt think I'd be pulled over for going under the speed limit!" She then points at the sign that sat just down the road from them.
Finally realizing what he was dealing with the officer closes his eyes in exasperation as says, "ma'am the speed limit is 65mph. 149 are the highway number signs."
I know two lovely women, non blondes, that were pulled over for the very same thing - thinking the highway route designation number was the speed limit. I married one of them and that incident comes up once in a while. 😎
-
Science jokes make me numb.
Math jokes make me number.
Not all math jokes are funny, but sum are. :roll:
-
An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
“Okay,” he said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The atheist, visibly surprised by the old cowboy's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the cowboy replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”
-
:emot_rotf: :emot_clap: WOO
-
Brilliant😂🤣💯woo as well
-
Hear about the skeleton couple that broke up?
Their hearts weren't in it. :facepalm:
-
What do you call it when a dinosaur breaks wind?
A blast from the.past. :D
-
Everyone at the Autopsy Club is so excited they can hardly stand it.
Tonight is open Mike night.
-
Groan… Give you a woo.
-
I was having a blonde moment, but I puzzled it out. Funny Mr. PS. Reminds me of one my father liked to tell....
I got fired from my job today for having sex at work. But first, my boss chewed me out for at least 10 minutes.
When I finally got a chance to reply, I yelled back at him, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"
He shouted, "She was to be autopsied, you idiot!"
Boy did I feel stupid.
Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.
Oh, and I loved your math joke. You get a woo for it #422. You know I love math.
-
I just told Dan the above joke. That reminded him of a joke...
A friend of mine died while he was masturbating.
The autopsy report said he died from a stroke.
-
Which king loved fractions? Henry the ⅛. :facepalm:
-
Penguins release preen oil from a gland near the base of the tail. A bird will use its beak to spread the oil over its feathers. That oil works as a water-repellent, and helps keep them warm.
Or, to put it another way... the oily bird gets the warm.
-
My girlfriend prefers reverse cowgirl, because she cannot stand to see me happy.
-
My wife mysteriously went missing.
After she'd been gone a week, the police told me I should be prepared for the worst.
So, I went to the charity shop and got her clothes back.
-
After a nasty divorce, a husband and wife, with some friends, were clearing out the house they owned. Neither wanted it so they sold it and split the money. As the exwife was clearing out a closet, she found a little black book. She scanned through it and counted 7 names. She knew he had been cheating so it was no surprise, but to actually see it angered her all over again.
She called to him and when he entered the room, she tossed him the book and told him he may want to keep it. He caught it with a smirk and said he would. Probably even call one of them tonight.
"You cheated with seven different women?"
"Damn right, you cheated too, so you've got no room to talk. Well, now you know how many I've been with. How about you?"
She returned to the closet and pulled out a small safe. He was surprised as he had never seen it before. A few twists of the dial, and she opened the safe. She reached in and pulled out three stacks of cash with a $5,000 band around each them. She then went back into the safe and pulled out three eggs.
His eyes opened wide as he saw the cash, and new according to the agreement he had no claim to any of it. He then looked at the eggs with a questioning look.
"Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in the safe." She said.
"Three? That's it? You cheated on me only three times." He said with a little arrogance in his voice. "Now I don't feel so bad about the money you snuck by me."
She smiled and said, "whenever I reached a dozen eggs, I sold them, and that's where the money came from."
-
:emot_rotf: :emot_rotf: :emot_rotf:
WOO! Very good one.
-
What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
-
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian".
The blonde replies, "Oh my god. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
-
”Your underwear is revealing and much too tight,“ I said to my wife.
“Wear your own then.“ She replied.
-
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads...”
-
:emot_laughing: and a woo
-
Clearly I don't go to that church, otherwise he'd have six leads. LoL!😘
-
Little Johnny runs to his mom yelling, “Mommy, Mommy. I was at the playground and I saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in Daddy’s car go into the woods.”
Johnny’s mom intrigued, asks him to continue with the story.
The boy goes on, “I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”
At this point Johnny’s mom cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
At the dinner table, mom asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and “… then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.”
-
… “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.”
Woo. :emot_laughing:
-
One Day a plane crashes in the ocean and four women wash ashore alive. A blond, brunette, red head, and raven haired.
The first day of survival the Blond is sitting on the beach, while the red head found a cache of travel sized liquor bottles, each full, while the brunette and raven haired scout the island for food.
The red head returns to the beach camp with a wild animal carcass. She killed it with her bare hands.
The brunette foraged edible berries and mushrooms, while the raven haired found a clean fresh water river and managed to catch some fish.
The days roll on, and the group is getting fed up with the blond who has done nothing to contribute to their survival, so that night they had a meeting.
The red head speaks up: We all have worked hard using our gifts and talents to survive, its time you pulled your weight.
The discussion grew heated and came to a head when the group pressed the blond as to what she can actually do, so the blond stands up, strips naked and starts dancing naked on an outcropping of rocks overlooking the ocean, soon the coast guard showed up, along with the sheriffs department.
The blond returned to the camp, and redressed as law enforcement came to their aid.
The moral of the story? I will let you figure it out, heheheheh.
(This joke was told to me at work on friday.)
-
Something to offend everyone:
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Queensland schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a Tasmanian zoo and a NSW zoo?
A Tasmanian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern
fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
WOO! Too bad I can't WOO each of them.
-
Not PC, but that Disneyland one got me laughing.
-
Not PC, but that Disneyland one got me laughing.
As I said, there was something there to offend everyone. I had trouble with the word “retarded.“ But I was too lazy to try to edit it.
-
As I said, there was something there to offend everyone.
Pretty damn funny though. Had me laughing out loud several times.
-
Last night my wife wore a police uniform to bed and said.
"you are being charged with being good in bed".
Ninety seconds later the charges were dropped
due to lack of evidence.
-
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
🤣
Also Yellow Labradors
Last night my wife wore a police uniform to bed and said.
"you are being charged with being good in bed".
Ninety seconds later the charges were dropped
due to lack of evidence.
That's too bad, I'm always on the lookout for a new dealer just in case
-
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had developed a fascination with the baptistry. The deacons convened and opted to install a water-slide on the baptistry, allowing the squirrels to inadvertently drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the waterslide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
-
Good one. WOO!
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/0yF2XfVD/main-qimg-94fe0b555f7112a28257309b179c36dc-pjlq.jpg)
-
Fook yeah ;D
-
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a dry martini.
Bartender says, "Coming right up sir. Would you like that with an olive or twist?"
-
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a dry martini.
Bartender says, "Coming right up sir. Would you like that with an olive or twist?"
;D ;D
-
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had developed a fascination with the baptistry. The deacons convened and opted to install a water-slide on the baptistry, allowing the squirrels to inadvertently drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the waterslide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
Reminds me of:
-
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had developed a fascination with the baptistry. The deacons convened and opted to install a water-slide on the baptistry, allowing the squirrels to inadvertently drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the waterslide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
Haa-Haaahh! That may actually be an improvement; when I originally heard a version of this joke, it was the Jews who converted the squirrels and then only saw them on Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur.
-
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
Long
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat 3 times
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday
-
Grim little twist at the end. Woo 1281.
-
Squirrels and Not my wife! LOL Couple of great ones!
Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because, he didn't habanero...
-
Squirrels and Not my wife! LOL Couple of great ones!
Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because, he didn't habanero...
Hahaha , ...........Us archers don't get a lot of jokes shot at us but that was bang in the middle. Woo to Yarshi and a kiss :emot_kiss:
Nicky x
-
Hahaha , ...........Us archers don't get a lot of jokes shot at us but that was bang in the middle. Woo to Yarshi and a kiss :emot_kiss:
Nicky x
*BLUSH*
-
Me (to my wife): For the past 38 years, it seems like you correct everything I say.
Wife: Thirty-nine years.
-
My wife left me because of my insecurity.
Wait, she's back.
Whew, she just went to the grocery store.
-
Based on a true story.
(https://images4.imagebam.com/db/41/59/MESS56P_o.jpeg)
-
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny.
-
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny.
Our two youngest grandsons told me, after I told them your joke, that it was an old joke. ;D. First I heard of it.
-
I went to the gynecologist today, she told me to stop masturbating.
I said why?
She said I’m trying to examine you.
-
Woo 410. :emot_laughing:
-
A nervous looking little man was wandering around in the department stores lingerie department. He looked kind of lost and a helpful clerk went up to see what she could help him with. He told the clerk he was looking for a new bra for his wife.
The clerk asked him if he knew what size bra his wife took. He just looked at her kind of stunned and said he had no idea. So the clerk trying to help asked him well. Is she a grapefruit? He said oh no no no. The clerk then asked if she was in orange. The man said no. No, not an orange. The clerk was scratching her head. Wondering where to go from here. Finally she said well. Is she an egg. The man brightened up and it said yes, fried.
-
• An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intents and purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur
walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
Such superciliousness.
-
Something only a lawyer can appreciate. :emot_laughing:
-
I went to the gynecologist today, she told me to stop masturbating.
I said why?
She said I’m trying to examine you.
:emot_laughing: haha omg i just peed! Lol thank you
-
(Bob sends box of Depends to new member Beth until she gets used to the craziness around here.) ;D :emot_kiss:
-
(https://images4.imagebam.com/a5/a2/fd/MESY26D_o.jpg)
-
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you ten thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you twenty thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and sinks them into his remaining eye. The astonished auditor now grasps that he has gambled and lost thirty grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. His unease begins to mount.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you sixty thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me one hundred thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
WOO #1147
-
A raisin, a peanut and an oat go into a club and sit down. The bartender comes over and takes one look at them and says, "What do you think this is, a granola bar?"
-
Cute. The fam will hear it at breakfast tomorrow morning.
It's been so long. Woo 1302 for you.
-
I went to the doctor's today because I was worried about my hearing.
He said "can you describe the symptoms".
I said "Well, Homer is a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair".
-
lol, had to do a double take on that one. Woo
-
Love it! My brother and cousin are huge Simpson fans. So for them Woo!
-
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/18/dd/e2/18dde2404d33998d4acb8e8ebd474568.jpg)
-
These insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
1. "He had delusions of adequacy ” Walter Kerr
2. "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”- Winston Churchill
3. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow
4. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
5. "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
6. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas
7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain
8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde
9. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
10. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response
11. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here” - Stephen Bishop
12. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright
13. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb
14. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson
15. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul Keating
16. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” - Forrest Tucker
17. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” - Mark Twain
18. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” - Mae West
19. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde
20. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.” - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
21. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music.” - Billy Wilder
22. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it.” - Groucho Marx
23. The exchange between Winston Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
24. "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
25. "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -- Jack E. Leonard
26. "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -- Thomas Brackett Reed
27. "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -- James Reston (about Richard Nixon) —Robert L Truesdel
-
faves: 4&5, and 9&10
-
Seen on Quora:
I got pulled over on the HWY for going 7 mph over the speed limit. 🚓
As the officer started walking up to my truck, i rolled my windows down ..... 🚙
My adorable and apparently INCREDIBLY smart 7 yr old Granddaughter, started screaming from the backseat:
“It’s coming out!!!!!” 😱😱😱😱😱😱
“I can’t hold it any longer Paw Pawwww”😳😳😳😳
“It’s almost here!!!!!!!! Paw Pawwww!!!”
Now the trooper is HEARING her scream this....
and he stands up on my brush guard leans in the window and asks her “What’s going on here???”
She looks him 💀 DEAD IN THE FACE 💀
And says “I’ve got poop coming outta my butt!!”🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
He started laughing 😂😂😂😂
I must have looked shocked and embarrassed 😭😭😭😭😭
He asked how far I had to go, which was about 2 miles home. He told me to drive safe and get Miss Thang home to do her business. He could NOT stop laughing😂😂😂
As soon as we pulled away I asked “What the hell was that about???”😳😳😳😳😳😳
This kid, smirked and said “I saw it on YouTube but I didn’t think it would work”🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
I said “So...... You're not pooping 💩?”
She said nope and you're not in trouble either.
OMG 👀👀👀
This kid is my hero 🦸♀️
-
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
-
Seen on Quora:
This kid is my hero 🦸♀️
Mine too! Woooooo!
-
I went to the gynecologist today, she told me to stop masturbating.
I said why?
She said I’m trying to examine you.
:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: Woo'ing all the way!
-
My wife accidently drank a bottle of invisible ink. She is in the ER now, waiting to be seen. ;D
-
My wife had to go to A&E after swallowing some coins. I called about her condition and was told "no change"
-
How do you know when you're talking to an extra terrestrial?
They ask lots of probing questions.
:D :D :D
-
How to tell if a man is virile...
His partner has to chew before they can swallow...
:facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm:
I'll see my way out...
-
How did Mr. Spock make Captain Kirk laugh?
He set his phaser on pun.
:facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm: