not a joke, but the funniest and dumbest shit I just heard from my Mom:
My mom called me to tell me my goodie two shoes, never does wrong, mild as mother's milk younger cousin is in jail. She is laying in the hospital, having had the cancerous part of her female parts removed, trying to maintain focus, and her mother calls her.
So the story is, my cousin Charlie, is in jail. I asked mom what he did. He did not tell his mom, or my grandma. So I get the call from his fiancee after my mom hangs up. Apparently he was supposed to attend a formal dinner with her and her folks. Now this kid is a genuine good kid. Hes in his mid 20's graduated college and is supposed to marry the daughter of the owner of a hospital group where he lives. Now I bear no grudge against him, as his family was the measuring stick my grandmother used to judge the rest of the family. So I call his brother, and this is the story, I am not supposed to tell anyone in the family.
Charlie does not want to get married. Not because shes a bad person, not because his sexuality changed. He does not want to be around her father. This boy is sheltered, like we would play as kids and I and my siblings could not use words like "blood, murder, I shot you, etc." around him, as my stick in the mud aunt would have words with us about it. Truly sheltered. So he had never been around any real aggression before. No fights, no bullies, just a truly cloistered kid. So when her dad said "You hurt my daughter and I will kill you." He took it literally, and is now terrified of the man.
So I call the jail where he is, as I had to help him move there when he was in college. He said he was in jail on assault charges. I was like "right." So I ask him to put me on with the attending officer in the jail, or someone in charge, thinking I would have to bail him out. Nope, no charges, he fucking paid a cop 250 bucks to lock him up. I heard that and my mind went to Carlin's joke about fucking for virginity. I said how fucking stupid do you have to be, to pay to be arrested? it was the dumbest shit I heard of. Like mind blown kind of levels of stupidity. I said, why didn't you just tell her, instead of doing the dumbest shit ever. I mean they wont hold you but for a few hours, then you are going to have to be released, and then when your fiancee asks about it, shes going to use daddy's money to get you a lawyer, and he is going to find out there was no charges, and then what? you going to LIE about assault charges? I called him everything I could think of. I said arrests are PUBLIC RECORDS. they even print them in the newspaper, you know, that thing people buy to go with their morning coffee? I asked if he forgotten my criminal history, because those real to life stories were not pleasant. When they nabbed me in the junk yard, they roughed me up a little when the rape word was uttered. And I was a dumb teen then. He started crying, and I told him the only saving grace for this is to tell the truth to her and her dad, be the but of every family joke at her parents house and suck it up, buttercup, because honestly there is no path to freedom in this that is not covered in thorns or sharp rocks.
So yeah, thats the phone call I had about 20 minutes ago.