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Offline msslave

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Reply #2580 on: September 03, 2014, 05:54:27 PM
A Bad Day All Around
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
 
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
 
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
 
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
 
"So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole darn thing!
 
But, enough about me. How are you feeling?"

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


TinyDancer

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Reply #2581 on: September 04, 2014, 12:46:00 PM
A guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling, "Cris-co, Cris-co?" A store clerk says to him, "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle Five." He says, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I'm calling my wife." The clerk says, "Your wife is named Crisco'?" He says, "No, I only call her that in public." The clerk says, "What do you call her when you're home?" He says, "Lard ass."



Offline staci

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Reply #2582 on: September 04, 2014, 07:29:06 PM


 A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only  person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get  $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50

one of the originals


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2583 on: September 05, 2014, 12:13:44 AM
lol A fart can get you everytime :P

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Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline zokah

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Reply #2584 on: September 05, 2014, 06:24:18 AM
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."



Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2585 on: September 05, 2014, 07:02:55 AM
I hope he didn't pay in advance. ;-)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


TinyDancer

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Reply #2586 on: September 05, 2014, 04:39:24 PM
A young man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

 Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

 This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

 "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

 "Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

 At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest!

 Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

 The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

 The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
« Last Edit: September 05, 2014, 10:16:09 PM by coacheric »



Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2587 on: September 05, 2014, 05:46:58 PM
Wow, she must have been really gorgeous since you said it twice in one sentence... ;-)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline staci

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Reply #2588 on: September 05, 2014, 08:30:34 PM
Wow, she must have been really gorgeous since you said it twice in one sentence... ;-)

You better hope TD never edits one of your stories.

one of the originals


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2589 on: September 05, 2014, 10:06:50 PM
I have no problem admitting I make grammar errors. Leo pointed out two in one of my stories in a PM, i'm glad he had told me.



...and now back to our scheduled jokes

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline msslave

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Reply #2590 on: September 05, 2014, 10:13:14 PM

When I was ready to check out and pay for my
groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local police about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally
subsided,I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the
future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.
               
Man, I hate this getting older stuff.

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


coacheric

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Reply #2591 on: September 05, 2014, 10:16:57 PM
Wow, she must have been really gorgeous since you said it twice in one sentence... ;-)

Why whatever are you talking about GG? Hitting the kool-aid a bit to hard today?

 :emot_laughing:



Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2592 on: September 05, 2014, 10:18:31 PM
Fixing her post doesn't mean it never was in error.  Just like you may be paranoid, but that doesn't mean they're not after you. ;-)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


coacheric

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Reply #2593 on: September 05, 2014, 10:26:59 PM
Fixing her post doesn't mean it never was in error.  Just like you may be paranoid, but that doesn't mean they're not after you. ;-)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRJ5cCP0ZPE



coacheric

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Reply #2594 on: September 05, 2014, 10:34:02 PM
OK GG, I figure you can't see the post so I'll let you in on it. Clip from Repo Man. The scene where they are standing next to the fire pit talking about life and aliens.

Best fucking movie EVER



Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2595 on: September 05, 2014, 11:20:56 PM
I've been wanting to see it, IFC and Sundance air it often.

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


coacheric

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Reply #2596 on: September 06, 2014, 01:06:19 AM
I've been wanting to see it, IFC and Sundance air it often.

Was on Sundance a few days ago :)



Offline Well Behaved Lady

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Reply #2597 on: September 06, 2014, 12:51:26 PM
Wow, she must have been really gorgeous since you said it twice in one sentence... ;-)

Do you think TD actually typed that joke out?

Here's the same joke copied and pasted from here
http://angiesartcreations.blogspot.ie/2014/02/a-young-man-goes-to-confession-and-says.html

A young man goes to confession and says, “Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.” The priest tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.” Soon after, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.” This time the priest questions, “Who is Nookie Green?” “A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replies. “Very well,” sighs the priest. “Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.” At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. All the men’s eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashay’s up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, “Is that Nookie Green?”  The bug-eyed altar boy can’t believe his ears but replies, “No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”

No errors on TD's part whatsoever ;D




Offline Katiebee

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Reply #2598 on: September 06, 2014, 05:08:34 PM
PLAGERISM! OMGomgomgomg!!!

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2599 on: September 07, 2014, 09:54:23 AM
It doesn't matter who posted it, my point jokingly was as I said she must have been very, very gorgeous since gorgeous IS in the sentence twice.

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant