Joke of the Day

[licksnkissez]

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money.
He was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...
'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.

I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart.
He died soon.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there,dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket.

The obedient wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

Then her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not foolish
enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied,
'Listen, I'm a wife; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him.'

'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the loyal wife.

'I got all the money together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... I put the check in the casket.Now it is up to him to cash the check.'

"If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

[AB-2007]

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, “It’s dark in here.”

The man whispers, “Yes, it is.”

“I have a baseball,” the boy responds.

“That’s nice.”

“Want to buy it?”

“No, thanks.”

“My dad’s outside.”

“Okay, how much?”

“$250.”

***

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover end up in the closet together.

“It’s dark in here,” the boy begins.

“Yes, it is.”

“I have a baseball glove.”

The man thinks about the last time they were in the closet together, and decided to cut to the chase — “How much?”

“$750.”

“Fine.”

***

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your ball and glove. Let’s go outside and play some catch!”

“I can’t. I sold them.”

“How much did you sell them for?”

“$1,000,” the boy replies, smilingly widely.

His father responds, “It’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That’s way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church to confess.”

***

The two go to church, and the boy’s father escorts him to the confession booth. Once inside, the boy states, “It’s dark in here.”

The priest replies, “Don’t start that crap again!”

 

[GEMINIGUY]

It's better to have the priest fuck his mom than him ;-)

[Meatbot]

Okay. That was fuckin' funny.

'bot

[msslave]

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."




With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.




After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.




The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.




Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!




Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.




He bursts in and shouts to his master:












"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"








(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)

[redhatlover]

The pun police will get you for that!

[GEMINIGUY]

Uggh! lol

[TinyDancer]

Jennifer and Amanda, two "senior" widows, are talking:

Jennifer: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.

I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

"Well, I'll tell you, he shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine
suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs and what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all, then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show,let me tell you Jennifer, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL,completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times"

Jennifer: "Goodness gracious... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Amanda: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[GEMINIGUY]

You know how the minds of seniors are... Hopefully all that DID happen...

[redhatlover]

More true than you would believe!

[Sensualtravler]

A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
 
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.
 
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
 

 
No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it.”
 
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
 
The pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
 
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
 
"Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
 
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
 
The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Darn thing’s an hour fast!”

[Sensualtravler]

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."




With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.




After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.




The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.




Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!




Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.




He bursts in and shouts to his master:












"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"








(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)

Where I come from, we call those 'groaners.' 

[vinney]

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
 
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
 
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
 
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
 
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
 
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
 
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[Sensualtravler]

    

[staci]

Irish Blonde...


 


An attractive blonde from Cork Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed  a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the  dice.


She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"


 


As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"  She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.


 


The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.


 


Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

[msslave]

Not your average blond!

[msslave]

Harlequin Novel, Updated 2014  Version:

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my                                                elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, "Just relax. ”Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily, My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care.  His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse  was pounding.
I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.  This is a man, I thought, a man used to taking charge.  A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer.  A man who would tell me what he wanted.
A man who would look into my soul and say…










"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight  now."
 

[GEMINIGUY]

lol Another one, huh? ;-)

[TinyDancer]

Indian shoots Buffalo in Bar!
 An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
 He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."
 The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
 He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
 The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
 The next morning the Indian returns.
 He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
 He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
 The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
 The Indian smiles and proudly says..
 "Training for position in United States Congress:
 Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
 leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

[GEMINIGUY]

He'll fit right in Congress! ;-)