KRISTEN'S BOARD

Talk => Fun & Games => Topic started by: TinyDancer on April 27, 2012, 05:08:48 PM



Title: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on April 27, 2012, 05:08:48 PM

Still A Virgin

"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"

"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."

"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on April 27, 2012, 05:14:47 PM
Thanks Becca, I needed a good lawyer joke..... :emot_kiss:

Especially since she and I are trying this without one. Gonna be tough. Hope our communication doesn't break down for the next 6 months.....Gonna be a lot of tongue biting so we can get all the details ironed out....

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on April 27, 2012, 05:29:02 PM
Heehee, loved it. The best jokes are the shortest.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: DanteDC on April 27, 2012, 06:20:18 PM
well she sure will get screwed but probaly not the hole she is thinking.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on April 27, 2012, 06:35:27 PM
Thought I posted a reply... trouble with getting old... great start to a new thread... thanks Becca...

Now for something a bit different...

Here's a little poem for you (seniors). 

Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about 'Living in the Past'.

We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
and after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches 
and while the night away.

We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags, 
come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up,
before you're too darn  old!

And not a bit of sex in there... :'(

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on April 27, 2012, 06:47:00 PM
Continuing the theme: "The golden years have come at last I cannot see I cannot pee I can not chew I cannot screw My memory shrinks My hearing stinks No sense of smell I look like hell! My body is drooping Got trouble pooping The golden years have come at last. The golden years can kiss my ass!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: redhatlover on April 27, 2012, 06:48:00 PM
It's hard to find, for love or money;
A joke that's clean and also funny!

But the heck with clean jokes.  That's why I hang around here!!!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on April 27, 2012, 08:20:51 PM
And when you say hang, you mean.....


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on April 28, 2012, 12:48:23 AM
That's what he said coach...

three quickies...

Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!

Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs...?
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face


vinney

 ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on April 28, 2012, 12:53:05 AM
OAPS and oral sex

Two old age pensioners are having a 69.

After 5 minutes he says "Sorry luv the smell’s too bad down there - I can’t carry on."

"That’ll be my athritis" she says.

"What? I never heard of anyone having arthritis in their fanny before."

No she says "It’s in my arms and hands. . . and I can’t wipe me arse."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on April 28, 2012, 12:58:43 AM
Daughters.

This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says:

"Hi, I’m Freddy. I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"

The man, slightly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave. A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says:

"Hi, I’m Jim. I’m here to see Kim. We’re gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?"

The guy, now perplexed, says yes and the two take off. Few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says:

"Hi, I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re gonna go to the show. Can she go?"

The man, now kind of annoyed says yes and the two depart. Sure enough, after few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says:
"Hi, I’m Chuck..."

and the father shot the little fucker.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on April 28, 2012, 05:58:20 AM
Three old guys were sitting in the park feeding the pigeons.

The first old fellow says " Boys, it sure would be grand if I could take a normal piss in the mornings."

The second old fellow says " I see your point. I sure would like to be able to take a nice healthy crap when I get up too."

After a bit of thought the Third fellow says to his friends, "Well mates, Every morning at 5:30 I let go of a nice long piss. Then around 7:00 or so I take a large satisfying dump.

My only desire is that I would wake up before 8:30......" :D

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on April 28, 2012, 11:40:41 AM
Ahhh, the golden age... :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on April 28, 2012, 02:17:14 PM

Things The Wife Doesn'T Use

 A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain."

The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing some much worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colours didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now."

The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?" The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on April 28, 2012, 03:19:08 PM
That's another notch in the bedpost Ms Dancer...!  Great one...! Top of the form Becca...!

Now, about wives not using things anymore... are you doing anything later...?

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on April 28, 2012, 03:47:52 PM
Good one, TD. If she's not her husband's anymore, Vin, i don't think she'll want yours... ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on April 29, 2012, 12:08:04 AM
 :emot_laughing:

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on April 29, 2012, 01:29:00 PM

That Scrawny Mutt? No Way!

A man wanted a big, verocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs.

The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer, "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted.
"You're joking!" he exclaimed.

"This dog seems quite tame he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!"

"I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on April 29, 2012, 01:38:57 PM
Will that really be good enough to take the taste away...?

 :emot_laughing:

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on April 29, 2012, 01:39:59 PM
 :emot_weird:

 :o

 :emot_laughing:

Janus

I been missin' the girls lately...So this is a bit of a tribute...EP, Brianna, Liz....Come back.......

:emot_kiss: too you all


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on April 29, 2012, 03:31:55 PM
Lawyer jokes i never have a problem with. :P As long as it's not like Perry Mason or The Good Wife getting eaten...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on April 30, 2012, 01:26:48 AM
British Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around and eventually stops at a pub to try a pint or two of English beer. He continues sight-seeing and after a while, finds himself in a very high class area. Large stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He desperately needs to go, after all those pints of beer. He sees a narrow side street with high walls surrounding an adjacent buildings, and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby who says, "You can't do that here sir!"

"I'm very sorry officer," replies the American, "but I really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah," said the bobby, "just follow me!" He leads him into the back alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby, "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured lawns, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call British Hospitality?"

"No sir", replied the bobby, "It's what we call the French Embassy."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on April 30, 2012, 01:33:12 AM
The Angry Passenger

An airline flight was cancelled due to a technical fault, and the check-in girl was busily re-booking a long line of weary travellers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the front of the queue, slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight, right away!"

The check-in girl replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to help you, but I've got to deal with everybody in the queue first."

The man unimpressed shouted, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without any hesitation, the check-in girl grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice clearly heard throughout the terminal.

She continued, "We have a passenger at Gate 14 WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him laughing hysterically, the man glared at the check-in girl and swore, "FUCK you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on April 30, 2012, 01:34:31 AM
A Strip Club Treat

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she decides to take him to a strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey Dave, how ya doin?"

His wife puzzled, asks if he's ever been here before?

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, the waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "Are you sure you've never been here before?".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife is furious and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her, but she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on April 30, 2012, 01:39:19 AM
Grandpa Tries Viagra

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their kids overnight when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.

He asked the son about using one of the pills but the son said, "I don't think you should take one, as they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one. I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50 bill."

The next morning, the son found $110 under his pillow.

He said to Grandpa, "I told you the pills were $10 not $110."

"I know," said Grandpa, "The hundred is from Grandma."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on April 30, 2012, 04:54:13 AM
The French are always getting it up the arse. ;) Loved the Viagra joke.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on April 30, 2012, 04:59:30 AM
All very funny jokes Vinney. Thanks man. It's been a long day and tomorrow is going to be even more so. It's nice to have a chuckle when ever you can find one.

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on April 30, 2012, 05:16:38 AM
One afternoon a maid told the lady of the house, where she worked, that she'd like a raise. The woman was irritated by the maid's request and asked her why she felt she deserved a salary increase.

    "Well ma'am," the made said, "there are three reasons I think I deserve a raise. The first is that I am better at ironing than you are.

    " Who told you you're better at ironing than I am?" the woman asked.
   
    "Your husband told me," the maid replied.

    "I see," the woman responded, clearly annoyed.

    The maid continued and said,"The second reason I think I deserve a raise is because I'm a better cook than you are.

    "Nonsense,"the woman said. "Who said you're a better cook than I am?"

     The maid replied,"Your husband."

    "Fine," the woman said angrily. "What's your third justification?"

    "My third reason for thinking I deserve a raise is that I'm better in bed than you," the maid answered.

    Furious, the woman said," Oh,and did my husband tell you that as well?"

    "No ma'am," the maid replied. The gardener did."

    "Oh," the wife said, getting out her checkbook. "So how much more did you say you wanted?"     8)

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on April 30, 2012, 05:28:53 AM
It would have been easy for her to just say blackmail. Just not as much fun. ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on April 30, 2012, 11:43:33 AM
Nice one Janus...

 :emot_laughing:

The gardener... he wasn't called Mellors per chance...?

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on April 30, 2012, 01:36:51 PM
I knew it was the gardner all along, always wanting to plant his seed....go figure!

vinney....loved the viagra joke, thanks sugar.   :emot_kiss:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on April 30, 2012, 03:41:20 PM

Deputy Sheriff

A local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.

After a series of questions that the blonde failed, the sheriff asked in desperation one final question:

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted:

"I don't know!"

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to a restaurant where some friends were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde couldn't be happier.

"It's my first day on the job, and it went great."

"I'm already working on a murder case!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on April 30, 2012, 03:53:43 PM
Good one Becca. Love the blond jokes


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on April 30, 2012, 06:10:43 PM
Can't keep a good 'un down... another great laugh from our sugar...

vinney

 :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on April 30, 2012, 06:29:49 PM
I know right?  Blondes, just gotta love 'em!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on April 30, 2012, 06:35:52 PM
You gotta love those blondes... :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 01, 2012, 05:17:46 PM

Different Views From Different Pews

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance:

1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for
 food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right toleft. Now, look again, It now says: HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 01, 2012, 05:56:07 PM
Great joke becca.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 01, 2012, 06:27:12 PM
Hmmm... Never knew they were into ass... :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 01, 2012, 06:42:20 PM
No GG... it was a donkey...

vinney

 ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 01, 2012, 07:49:14 PM
Never knew they were into either... ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 01, 2012, 07:53:49 PM
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 01, 2012, 09:36:27 PM
Loved the donut joke. Thanks, Coach!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 01, 2012, 11:51:19 PM
Top of the class Coach...

nice to end the day on a laugh...

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 02, 2012, 12:10:29 AM
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 02, 2012, 12:13:17 AM
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 02, 2012, 12:19:45 AM
An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on the plane.

The plane was delayed due to some technical problems. Just after eventually taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything.

He replied, "Oh No! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol."

The elderly doctor promptly handed his gin and tonic back to the hostess  and said,

"Madam, I didn't know there was a choice."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 02, 2012, 12:27:34 AM
Great jokes, Vin!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 02, 2012, 01:00:35 AM
A guy goes into a costume shop.

He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."

She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."

She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 02, 2012, 12:13:58 PM

Cause I'm Blonde

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only couto four, but I
counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
'Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? a, b, c, d, e,f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! !" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 02, 2012, 12:15:56 PM
LOL...vinney, love the jokes you posted, especially the one about the 54 year olds, good stuff.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 02, 2012, 12:18:21 PM
great... 25 year old blonde joke...

 :emot_laughing:

vinney

ps... typical...! 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on May 02, 2012, 12:24:07 PM
It's always a joy to wake up to a pleasant joke. Thank you guys for posting so many.

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 02, 2012, 01:19:30 PM
All great jokes. Thanks everyone for posting


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 02, 2012, 04:23:19 PM
Loved the 25 year old blonde joke, heehee :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 02, 2012, 04:53:26 PM
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 02, 2012, 04:54:10 PM
Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.

Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"

Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on May 02, 2012, 05:34:48 PM
Why do men name there penises?
Because they don't like the idea of a stranger making 90% of their decisions..

What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelliigent man?
Bigfoot has been spotted several times.....

A man who had just finished golfing with his buddies boarded a bus with one of his front pockets loaded with golf balls. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde, and after a few minutes he noticed she kept staring at the bulge in his pants. Finally he said, "It's golf balls."
    "Oh," she replied. "Does that hurt as much as tennis elbow?"  :roll:

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 02, 2012, 10:31:28 PM
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail...

he tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked,

'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied,

'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...

...You must be a POLITICIAN.'


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 02, 2012, 11:43:14 PM
Yeah, guys get golf balls all the time. :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 03, 2012, 06:16:39 AM

Don't Lie to Mom

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on May 03, 2012, 06:21:45 AM
I laughed out loud...too funny.......

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 03, 2012, 12:33:15 PM
What was mom doing in Julie's bed masturbating with the gravy ladle? :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 03, 2012, 05:48:04 PM
Bad Motorway Driving

Driving to work this morning in the fast lane of the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was this woman in a brand new Jaguar doing just 50 mph, with her face right up to the rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, she was halfway over into my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily but she scared me so much that:-

I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the toast out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and soaked my trousers, ruined the phone and disconnected a very important call.

Damn Those Stupid Women Drivers!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 03, 2012, 06:54:10 PM
You sounded just like my father. 'Stupid women drivers'... :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 03, 2012, 07:04:15 PM
And everyone else's father GG


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 03, 2012, 07:21:26 PM
And my mother would counter it with 'stupid men drivers'. It was neverending. :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 04, 2012, 12:06:13 PM

Two Priests

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation. To improve their chances of having a real vacation, they decided not to wear anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying their drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead, gorgeous, blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

When she passed them,she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits - outfits so loud you could hear them coming before you even saw them. Once again, they settled down on the beach to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde came walking toward them. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, said "Good morning Father," and walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it.

"Just a minute young lady," he said. "Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know: how in the world did you know we are priests?"

"Father,it's me, Sister Veronica."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 04, 2012, 12:13:07 PM
Holy shit... that's a good start to the day...

 :emot_laughing:

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 04, 2012, 02:22:02 PM
Between Becca and Vinney, I can always count on a good laugh to start my day


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 04, 2012, 04:19:35 PM
They must be lousy priests if they couldn't recognize one of their nuns... :P ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 04, 2012, 04:46:42 PM
They must be lousy priests if they couldn't recognize one of their nuns... :P ;)

To busy looking at the alter boys


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 04, 2012, 05:28:57 PM
I think the alter boys would recognize them on vacation, too... ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 04, 2012, 05:33:48 PM
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!",

"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.

The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!",

She looks at him, "BUT, they are sperm samples???" ,

"DO IT!".

So the nurse sucks it back.

"That one there, drink that one as well.",

So the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says,

"See honey - its not that hard."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 04, 2012, 05:36:39 PM
The length a husband will go to get a suck and swallow... :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 04, 2012, 05:38:08 PM
The Drunken Farmer:

So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says,
"If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."

He grabs her butt and says,
"If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says,
"And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 04, 2012, 05:44:47 PM
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. T

he man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 05, 2012, 12:23:58 AM
Can't say i feel sorry for old Bernie... ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 05, 2012, 12:26:01 AM
Poor devil... Bernie has to take it one way or the other...

vinney

 :roll:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 05, 2012, 12:37:40 PM

Buying Barbie

Gordon was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
 
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
 
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?"
 
She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $275.00."
 
Gordon asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $275.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
 
"That's obvious." the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture . . . "


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 05, 2012, 12:39:55 PM
What a rip-off...! shop keepers and divorce lawyers... grrrr...

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 05, 2012, 12:42:56 PM
The Whole Truth

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him £5 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him £10 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the milkman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The milkman drops his bottles, opens his arms and says:-

"Then come here and give your father a big hug."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 05, 2012, 12:44:05 PM
Haha vinney, didn't see that one coming, thanks sugar.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on May 05, 2012, 12:47:58 PM

Buying Barbie

Gordon was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
 
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
 
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?"
 
She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $275.00."
 
Gordon asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $275.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
 
"That's obvious." the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture . . . "


If this wasn't so very true I'd laugh my ass off. Well maybe in a few yrs I'll be able to look back and chuckle about it.....LOL

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on May 05, 2012, 12:49:23 PM
Great on Vinney.....The milk  man....Go figure...... :emot_laughing:

Janus



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 05, 2012, 01:14:07 PM
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 05, 2012, 02:11:48 PM
You gotta watch the little people, coach...!

 :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 05, 2012, 04:05:06 PM
Way In.

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine if admission will be granted. In one room a clerk sits and inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant explained that his last day was not a good one. “I got home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She said she had just got out of the shower but her hair was dry and the shower was dry too. I knew she was up to some hanky-panky and began to look for her lover. I went to the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found him clinging to the rail by his finger tips.

“I was so angry I bashed his fingers with a flower pot and he let go and fell. His fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. Seeing he was still alive I dragged our antique cedar chest to the balcony and threw it over. It hit the man and killed him.

“At this point I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The clerk thanked him and sent him to the next room.

Just then the second applicant walked in. He said his day was even worse. “I was on the roof of the apartment block working on the air conditioning. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab the balcony rail on the 9th floor when some idiot came rushing out and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell and hit some awnings and thought I had survived but when I looked up I saw this huge chest falling towards me. I couldn’t get out of the way. It hit and  me and I was killed."

The clerk is still giggling when his third applicant entered. He apologises and says, “I doubt if your last day was as interesting as the man in here just before you...”

“I don’t know about that,” replies the man.

“Picture this, I’m stark naked, hiding in this cedar chest, when...”





Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 05, 2012, 06:19:15 PM
The things people will do to get into heaven... :P All great jokes this morning, thanks for sharing! And stay away from goblins...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 06, 2012, 01:41:03 AM
(http://77.247.181.97/big/b/a/s/bassdrive/bassdrive_c0f113.jpg)

like I said... you gotta watch the little people...

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 06, 2012, 01:39:55 PM
THE DOCTOR AND THE BUMBLEBEE

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation.   But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." 

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.

The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina.

The husband nodded and gave his approval.

The young lady said "Yes,  Yes, whatever, just get on with it." 

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina.

After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet.  Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."

So the doctor went deeper and deeper.

After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. 

The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. 

The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. 

The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" 

The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan.  I'm gonna drown the bastard!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 06, 2012, 01:47:49 PM
Three Guys In A Bar

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 06, 2012, 04:43:22 PM

Law Can Be So Dirty

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW
BUT AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number one thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 06, 2012, 08:43:44 PM
Great lawyer jokes. Loved the doctor and the bee. ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 06, 2012, 09:42:16 PM

Lewinsky's Official Statement

Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered the President's firm denial:

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. "This may be aload to handle, but when things get hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on. "I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. Thank you."

Monica Lewinsky


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 07, 2012, 12:17:46 AM
So there Mr President...

(http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQwVH8LFmWCYXWhmOP1Q4gfuLyTBvOYcETDTOuTHSf1Hnnm05j8)

shall we try again...?

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 07, 2012, 12:34:29 AM
A Texas Midget

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached and hurt almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table and told him to drop his pants.

The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the right testicle and asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor again and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles were still hurting.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around, and discovered he had no pain at all.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel a thing. But, what did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 07, 2012, 12:42:50 AM
A Breakfast Treat

The wife is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

The husband wanders in, still in his pajamas.

She turns to him and says, "I need you to make love to me this very minute."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she just says, "Thanks," and returns to the kitchen stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "Well, the egg timer is broke."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 07, 2012, 12:47:15 AM
College Students


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow."

She continues, "I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student and says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 07, 2012, 01:26:38 AM
Haha, another thing we can put on the "Useful For" list.....egg timer.  Loved the jokes vinney, thanks for sharing.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 07, 2012, 03:30:43 AM
Wives and teachers sure can be cold... :P The midget joke was a good one.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: redhatlover on May 07, 2012, 04:11:54 PM

Cause I'm Blonde

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only couto four, but I
counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
'Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? a, b, c, d, e,f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! !" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."


She really exists!!!

http://www.kristensboard.com/forums/index.php?topic=13569.0;topicseen (http://www.kristensboard.com/forums/index.php?topic=13569.0;topicseen)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 08, 2012, 07:15:30 AM
[This is an old one and may not be 'political correct' :P ] A doctor at a mental hospital took a group of the patients to a ballgame. Once at the game he led them to their seats and said "Sit, nuts!" and they all sat. When it was time for the National Anthem he said "Up, nuts!" and they stood up. After he told them to sit again. Not long after the vendor came around yelling "Get your popcorn! Peanuts!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on May 08, 2012, 12:46:48 PM
hehe....Cute

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 09, 2012, 01:49:40 AM
A Golfer's Perfect Shot

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity, looking up and down, measuring the distance, figuring out the wind direction and speed.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Why don't you hit the blasted ball."

The golfer answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, so I want to make this a perfect shot."

His partner replied, "Forget it, man."

"You don't stand a chance in hell of hitting her from here!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 09, 2012, 01:54:06 AM
In Too Far

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 09, 2012, 07:41:18 AM
Was that a country joke? ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 09, 2012, 02:56:47 PM
 :emot_laughing:   You make my mornings vinney, always nice to start the day laughing.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 10, 2012, 12:10:05 AM
Two deaf people got married.

During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,

"Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. but if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 10, 2012, 12:15:46 AM
Back in the days of the old Wild Wild West...

Back in the days of the old Wild Wild West lived a guy named Red who used to have a lot of fun.

He rode into town like he usually did every Saturday night, and he went into the saloon and got drunk. All of his friends saw him drinking and decided to play a trick on him.

So they went outside and turned the saddle on his horse around. That way they figured when he got outside drunk and they put him on there, he would get on home the best way he could! So when it was time, he got real drunk and staggered outside, got up on his horse and rode off.

The next morning when he woke up he says, "My goodness!"

And his wife says, "What's a matter dear, don't you feel alright?"

He said, "Yeah, but I sure had a tough time getting home last night."

"Some son of a gun cut my horses head off, and I had to guide him all the way home with my finger sticking in his windpipe!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 10, 2012, 12:18:29 AM
A young couple got married.

On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."

This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.

She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.

She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"

He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 10, 2012, 02:06:52 AM
Great jokes! 'If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis fifty times.' ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 10, 2012, 10:57:15 AM
50 times...?  Ought to be 69 times...

 :emot_laughing:

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 10, 2012, 11:32:46 AM
Hey, it was your joke, remember? :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 10, 2012, 11:50:35 AM

He Said She Said


He said...Want a quickie?
 She said...As opposed to what?

He said...I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it.
 She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said...Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
 She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said...This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
 She said...No problem, I'll get you some that is.

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
 He said...It's not my fault. I ran out of money.

He said...Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
 She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said...If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.
 She said...Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener as well.

He said...You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
 She said...No, have you?

He said...Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
 She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said...What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
 She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said...Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
 She said...I would, but you're never there.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 10, 2012, 11:56:18 AM
HE SAID... Why are you all talk and no action? You talk about all the dirty things you'd do to me but you never do them. SHE SAID... Would you rather i said nothing at all?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 10, 2012, 12:04:01 PM
HE SAID:  You don't have boobs, you have booblets.

SHE SAID:  Why darlin' between my booblets and your dicklet we're a match made in heaven!

(True statement, hehe)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 10, 2012, 12:07:02 PM
But someone else's true statement, right? ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on May 10, 2012, 01:14:36 PM
     A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, but she dutifully stayed by his bedside every single day. One afternoon he finally opened his eyes. When he did, he looked at his wife and said, "You've always been with me through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support  me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed with me, and when my health started failing, you were STILL by my side. So you know what?

    "What, dear?" his wife asked, smiling bravely.

    "I think you're really bad luck, he said..... :D

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 10, 2012, 01:44:36 PM
as told to my wife by our son

What has 52 teeth and holds back a monster

My Zipper

(http://ravishpics.com/images/62563856716946740132.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 10, 2012, 02:52:14 PM
Any guys here think their wife really is bad luck? ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 10, 2012, 06:34:01 PM
None of us would dare to...

 :roll:

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 10, 2012, 06:35:25 PM
OH, we would dare to, just not outloud

Of course, that type of question could only be asked by someone not married  ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 10, 2012, 08:48:22 PM
That guy picked the worst time to tell his wife she was bad luck... ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: licksnkissez on May 11, 2012, 05:17:05 AM

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........

"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ?!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 11, 2012, 11:43:35 AM
 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:

I didn't see that one coming...

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 11, 2012, 02:35:09 PM
Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 11, 2012, 02:36:23 PM
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 11, 2012, 04:20:49 PM
Give that kid an A+ for using them all in one sentence! :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: buddyChrist on May 11, 2012, 04:44:59 PM
Hope I am not reposting anything.

Superman is flying one day, and happens to see Wonder Woman laying out naked on a roof. He thinks to himself "I am faster than a speeding bullet. I could fly down there, screw her, and fly away before she knows it."

Down he flies, bangs her as fast as he can, and flies away.

Wonder Woman looks around. "What the hell was that?"

"I dunno, but my ass is killing me!" says the invisible man.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: buddyChrist on May 11, 2012, 04:47:47 PM
An old couple were sitting out on their porch one evening. The woman reaches over, and smacks her husband on the arm.
"Hey, what was that for?" he demands.
"That was for fifty years of bad sex."
They sit silently for a little while longer when he reaches over, and smacks her back.
"Why did you do that for?" she asks.
"That's for knowin' the difference!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: buddyChrist on May 11, 2012, 04:49:25 PM
Little Billy- "Mommy, mommy! I'm tired of running around in a circle!"
Mommy- "Shut up, or I will nail your other foot to the floor!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: buddyChrist on May 11, 2012, 04:57:21 PM
Bad pun time.

(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cP1LVsgWvt8/TVlmUNV2f5I/AAAAAAAAArM/PK2kv5nPhes/s1600/Schindlers+Escalator.JPG)
It's Schindler's lift!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 11, 2012, 05:15:51 PM
If we are posting inappropriate jokes

    A  professor at a University in Detroit was  giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies 
 
      To get a  feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people  here believe in ghosts?" 


About 90  students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a  good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any  of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40  students raise their hands.

"That's really  good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has  anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"


About 15  students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here  ever touched a ghost?

Three students  raise their hands.



"That's  fantastic. Now let me ask you one question  further...Have any of you ever made love to a  ghost?"

Way in the back,  Hamad raises his hand

The professor  takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've  been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to  have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here  and tell us about your experience."

The Middle  Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began  to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the  front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell  us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"               




Hamad replied,  "Oh, from way back there I thought you said  Goats."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 11, 2012, 11:31:48 PM
Yeah, how did that old lady no the difference? :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Bonenanza on May 12, 2012, 05:06:24 PM
A 90 year old man married a 19 year old girl and he was talking to his friend who was amazed and wanting to know all the details.

His friend asked "Is she a good cook?"

The old man said "She doesn't cook."

The friend then asked "Is she good in bed.?"

The old man answered "I don't know."

The friend, shaking his head "Then why did you marry her?"

The old man replied "Cause she can drive at night."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 12, 2012, 05:10:00 PM
LOL, can I find me one of them to. Night vision is not what it once was.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 13, 2012, 01:35:48 AM
You Are My First

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says...

"Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 13, 2012, 01:39:21 AM
Unfaithful Wives


Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 13, 2012, 01:44:42 AM
Two dwarfs

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to make love with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?".

The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection".

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 13, 2012, 01:48:16 AM
Twenty Push-ups

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.

After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.

He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying,

"Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 13, 2012, 04:31:19 AM
Hmmm, i was wondering what the jockey and dwarves were doing under my bed... ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Holly on May 13, 2012, 05:07:58 PM
VERY funny Vinney, the two dwarf joke made me snort!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 14, 2012, 11:56:50 PM
The Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men
with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy
to their design.

First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,

Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,

Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish
and gave it a smell,

Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,

Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 15, 2012, 12:04:51 AM
First visit

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.

"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."

"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing...

"but I'd rather have my husband's baby."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 15, 2012, 12:08:13 AM
A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 15, 2012, 12:11:54 AM
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.

On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.

From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies:

"She choked."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 15, 2012, 02:57:08 AM
That guy must've been blonde... ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: ynglvr on May 15, 2012, 04:11:32 AM
that was good...and completely unexpected


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 16, 2012, 01:23:50 PM
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?"

He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 16, 2012, 01:26:57 PM
Dianne goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asks.

"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Is your boyfriend a Harley rider?"

The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually he is."

"That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 16, 2012, 01:29:38 PM
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 16, 2012, 01:32:15 PM
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem ...

In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself".

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.

At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, "How did it go?".

The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 16, 2012, 01:34:08 PM
Great joke Vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 16, 2012, 01:41:26 PM
Thanks coach...

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 16, 2012, 01:41:59 PM
Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 16, 2012, 09:30:37 PM
Wow, i wonder if that really works... :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 17, 2012, 12:10:15 AM
You'll have to try it GG... so what colour bike do you want...?

vinney

 :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 17, 2012, 12:43:43 AM
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks: "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to downtown cowboy ...'. And here I am."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 17, 2012, 12:47:17 AM
A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, "I wish I had bigger tits".

The boyfriend says "Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months".

"How will that help to make my tits bigger?" asks the girlfriend.

"Well it worked for your ass" says the boyfriend...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 17, 2012, 12:49:52 AM
Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful."

"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to my grilfriend's office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father? ... Father?"

Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on May 17, 2012, 12:51:39 AM
Too funny. I figured he'd have wanted to get found...LOL

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 17, 2012, 12:57:34 AM
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear:

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 17, 2012, 06:32:44 AM
Hey, Vin, who said i want a bike? ;) Good to see you go after blonde guys, too. ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 17, 2012, 02:44:48 PM

Blonde And Her Job Interview

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup."Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks - "What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead,"I was just running through that song - 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on May 17, 2012, 03:00:14 PM
 :D   good one

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: licksnkissez on May 17, 2012, 04:58:17 PM

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 17, 2012, 05:02:08 PM
WOO licks, good one


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 17, 2012, 05:06:09 PM
Haha, that was a good one licks, still laughing.  Thanks for sharing.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 17, 2012, 07:40:00 PM
Brilliant Licks... or should that be... brilliant...! Licks...?

vinney

 :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 18, 2012, 01:28:19 AM
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 18, 2012, 01:31:13 AM
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin.

When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in and orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!

Tis me ... I've quit drinking!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 18, 2012, 01:43:10 AM
Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.


Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles


Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they come, they're
wild and wet, and when they go they take your house and car with them.


An Irishman is not drunk until he can't move


THIS GUY WAS DRIVING IN A CAR WITH A BLONDE. HE TOLD HER TO STICK HER HEAD OUT THE WINDOW AND SEE IF THE BLINKERS WERE WORKING.
SHE STUCK HER HEAD OUT AND SAID "YES,NO,YES,NO,YES,NO,YES . . .



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 18, 2012, 04:59:05 AM
How about some dumb redhead jokes? ;) We need to give the blondes a break.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 18, 2012, 12:07:40 PM
Funny GG... I couldn't find any..

 :(

vinney

ps...

A woman in a northeast Pennsylvania art gallery is staring at an exquisite painting entitled 'Home for Lunch'. It depicts three very naked black men sitting on a park bench with their penises in plain view. But while all the men are black, the one in the middle has a pink penis.

"Excuse me," the woman says to the exhibits curator. "I am curious about this painting of three African-Americans. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting," says the curator. "These men are not African-American; they're coal miners , and the fellow in the middle went 'home for lunch' to his redheaded wife.


pss...

Q: Whats the difference between a redhead and a home?
A: Everyone wants a home...

Q: How can you tell if a redhead has been using a computer?
A: There's a hammer imbedded in the screen.

Q: Why is it that Redheads don't get along with other women?
A: Because other women whine even more than men do.

Q: What's the difference between Redheads and Pitbulls?
A: Pitbulls aren't always trained to kill.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 18, 2012, 12:19:02 PM
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.

Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q.What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.

Q.What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. "Honey, I'm home!"

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..

Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hair balls.

Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?
A: Crust.

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on May 18, 2012, 01:05:39 PM
Nice stuff Vinney. Good morning too you too.....

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 18, 2012, 01:28:39 PM
Thanks Janus... you too... have a good day...!

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watcher1 on May 18, 2012, 03:20:12 PM
Why Italian fathers and grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.


An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 18, 2012, 06:28:25 PM
Notice Vinney ended the redhead jokes early. He couldn't take the abuse from all the redheads hanging over his shoulder as he posted those jokes. ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 18, 2012, 07:09:48 PM
No GG... gotta say I love redheads... hot stuff... and ok... some may  be hot-headed... but I told 'em all that it was dear friend Geminiguy who insisted on having the jokes posted...

 :roll:

good luck...!

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 18, 2012, 07:16:15 PM
No worries. I can deal with redheads... :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 18, 2012, 10:02:03 PM

Weather Forecasting

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 19, 2012, 12:05:33 AM
 :emot_laughing:

Typical...!  Over here weather forecasters have trouble telling you what the weather was like yesterday...!

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 19, 2012, 01:04:31 AM
Since when can weathermen predict the weather let alone the future? :)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 19, 2012, 01:40:07 AM
On the new the other day there was a clip of Prince Charles doing the weather.  He was actually pretty good at it. 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 19, 2012, 11:14:41 AM
Yep Becca he was... bet you didn't realise the Royal Family were that hard up they needed part time jobs to make ends meet...

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 20, 2012, 01:22:21 AM
THE SUNBURNT MEMBER

A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.

He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 20, 2012, 01:24:28 AM
THE BLONDE CONTRUCTION WORKERS

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE,
then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got really angry and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 20, 2012, 01:24:49 AM
ROFL.....damn vinney that was funny, you sure know how to pick them.  Thanks sugar!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 20, 2012, 02:30:23 AM
I wonder how the blonde thought we loaded 'em...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 20, 2012, 01:02:45 PM
Intelligence test:

Patrick O’Reilly went for a job on a building site where he was told he must have an intelligence test before that could give him the job.

‘Sure.’ Patrick agreed.

He was taken into the yard and shown a wall where five shovels rested.

‘Now Patrick, I’d like you to take your pick.’

Patrick walked over and examined the shovels, looking puzzled he turned round and said,

‘Oh bejezus, I can’t find a pick...’

Needless to say he passed the test and got the job.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 20, 2012, 01:07:20 PM
Paddy O’Malley was driving the Belfast to Dublin express train when he saw ahead of him the level crossing gates were only half open. He rammed on the brakes and the train came to a shuddering halt outside the signal box, not yards from the crossing gates.

Paddy rushed up the steps into the box and shouted at the signalman,

‘Seamus O’Toole, why are the crossing gates only half open...?’

Pouring a cup of tea Seamus replied,

‘Ah Paddy, ‘tis like this, you see, I was only half expecting you!’


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 20, 2012, 02:56:51 PM

Law Can Be So Dirty

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW
BUT AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number one thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on May 20, 2012, 04:23:31 PM
Ha Ha .....I remember that one...It was posted earlier...Great one too... :D

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: insatiable on May 20, 2012, 04:52:44 PM
Q. How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?
A. Somebody left the plunger in the toilet.


Q. How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her?
A. Rearranged her room.


Q. What do you call Helen Keller and Ray Charles playing tennis?
A. Endless Love


Q. How did Helen Keller's parent's kept her busy?
A. They put her in a round room and told her to sit in the corner.


Q. What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater?
A. That's the worst book I ever read!





Q. And why does Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?
A. She moans with the other.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: insatiable on May 20, 2012, 08:32:10 PM
Images of Michael Jackson are to appear on cans of Pepsi to mark the 25th anniversary of the release of his album 'Bad'.

So, nearly 3 years after his death, he's still finding his way down children's throats.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: joan1984 on May 20, 2012, 10:12:59 PM
Oh NO you did'nt... fun

Images of Michael Jackson are to appear on cans of Pepsi to mark the 25th anniversary of the release of his album 'Bad'.

So, nearly 3 years after his death, he's still finding his way down children's throats.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 21, 2012, 11:57:48 AM
Hot Air Ballooning

A man is lost in a hot air balloon somewhere over Ireland.

He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"

The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back, "You can't kid me ya bastard, you're in that fucking basket!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 21, 2012, 12:08:09 PM
Suspect I'll upset a few ladies with this... but... I'm sorry... really I am...

Male Chauvinist Pigs FAQ's

1.Q. What is worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A. A woman that won't do as she is told.

2.Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened when she brings it to you.

3.Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

4.Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

5.Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

6.Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. They don't need one. There's a clock on the oven.

7.Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A. The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

8.Q. What food have scientists discovered that diminishes a woman's sex drive.
A. Yes, it's Wedding Cake.

9.Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. The simple answer is because they want to.

10.Q. Will women ever be equal to men?
A. Not until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.




Well... I did say I was sorry...

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 21, 2012, 12:10:55 PM
Retirement In Alaska

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far away from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets his groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After 6 months of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge bearded man is standing there.

"Name is Larry, your neighbor from 40 miles down river. Having a party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 7:00 PM"

"Great", says Tom, "After 6 months out here, I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Larry is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you though.... be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too!"

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too!"

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been alone for 6 months. I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't matter much.... Just gonna be the two of us."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Gina Marie on May 21, 2012, 12:11:24 PM
(http://forgifs.com/gallery/d/50412-1/Shaniqua.jpg?) (http://forgifs.com)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 21, 2012, 12:18:43 PM
Tom won't be at the party then. lol Hey, Vin, i laughed really at your male chauvinist pig jokes. Sure, they're not PC, but they're funny as hell.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: redhatlover on May 21, 2012, 04:08:59 PM
Images of Michael Jackson are to appear on cans of Pepsi to mark the 25th anniversary of the release of his album 'Bad'.

So, nearly 3 years after his death, he's still finding his way down children's throats.

Welcum back, Insatiable!  We missed your wit and wisdom (and hot pix) over these last months!!!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 21, 2012, 06:08:39 PM

Quickie In A Restaurant

 A man goes into a restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous.

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu, scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK! and storms away. A man sitting at the next table then leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche.'"




Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 21, 2012, 06:14:00 PM
 :emot_laughing:

Rather fond of a quickie  quiche myself...

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 21, 2012, 06:18:01 PM
ROFL....no shit!   


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 21, 2012, 08:47:19 PM
So I was going to post this in the WTF thread but really, funny shit here. There is a good chance that she will be having kids....

(http://ravishpics.com/images/82788345294554223986.jpg)



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 21, 2012, 10:32:06 PM
Q  Why did Sara fall off the swing
A  She had no arms

Knock, Knock
Who's there
Not Sara



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 22, 2012, 01:34:03 AM
Recipe for a perfect marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas .

3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburettor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 22, 2012, 01:39:21 AM
The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this , I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.



The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 22, 2012, 03:57:21 AM
Those were some evil jokes, but i can't stop laughing! ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 22, 2012, 03:03:47 PM

Mother Nature

There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right.

They decided that since the shots were so bad, they'd just meet up at the hole.

So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn't come out.

Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.

She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year."

The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.

Mother Nature said, "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?"

The man looked up and said, "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 22, 2012, 07:25:32 PM
Well, then, i'm glad it wasn't me in the pussywillows... :P ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 23, 2012, 12:40:47 AM
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.



A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,

"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."



Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband...



Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of  chardonnay."




A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."




Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 23, 2012, 12:41:44 AM
After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.

"I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

My wife sighed and says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 23, 2012, 12:48:02 AM
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you.”

But the girl said “NO!”

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and Johnny accepts her proposal.

Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on May 23, 2012, 04:29:24 AM
Vinney, I came home got changed and read this joke....Laughed my ass off....

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 23, 2012, 05:32:45 AM
Loved the nun joke and the nagging husband joke. I'm not crazy about marriage jokes especially when the wives are evil incarnate.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 23, 2012, 12:06:03 PM
Thanks for the Woo Janus... glad it made you laugh... and GG... thanks for the comments...

vinney

 ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 23, 2012, 01:35:48 PM

He Said, She Said

He said. . . I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!

He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said . . . I would but you're never there.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 23, 2012, 01:45:44 PM
LOL, so mean to the men today   :-*


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watcher1 on May 23, 2012, 02:08:25 PM
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine , and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do.. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight ?"

He looked her up and down and said, "Mission Accomplished."  


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 23, 2012, 02:09:17 PM
 :roll: Becca...! Is that how you see us...?

 ;D

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 23, 2012, 02:14:50 PM
LOL, ya'll know I was just teasing.  *chuckles*


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 23, 2012, 02:52:14 PM
Good one Rick.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 23, 2012, 07:21:26 PM
Lots of jokes seem to get repeated, but some are too good just to post once.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 24, 2012, 12:18:13 AM
I second that coach...

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 24, 2012, 01:24:50 AM
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

"One, you have a dirty mind,

"Two, you didn't read your homework,

"And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 24, 2012, 01:30:48 AM
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you pop back from the darts and see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said. "But why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."

"I know," he said, "but the fucking darts team hadn't!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 24, 2012, 01:38:10 AM
Gotta love the church lady!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its >strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 24, 2012, 06:07:07 AM
Gotta love the dart team coming over unannounced. That little old lady was a hoot, too. :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on May 24, 2012, 07:14:35 AM
Both jokes were great....Thanks again Vinney.....

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 24, 2012, 01:22:03 PM
When a person yawns do deaf people think their yelling?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 24, 2012, 01:48:05 PM
Good question, why don't you ask one?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 24, 2012, 01:52:13 PM

Dumb Blonde

I once knew a blonde who was so dumb that she...

1. Called me to get my phone number.
2. Spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
3. Put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
4. Tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
5. Sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
6. Tried to drown a fish.
7. Thought a quarterback was a refund.
8. Got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
9. Tripped over a cordless phone.
10. Took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
11. Asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
12. Studied for a blood test.
13. Thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
14. Moved when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home.
15. Took the 22 bus twice because she missed the 44 bus.
16. Turned around and went home when she arrived at the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on May 24, 2012, 02:02:14 PM
If a deaf boy swears in sign does his mom wash his hands with soap.

If you don't pay for your exorcism do you get repossessed


An older man had serious hearing problems for many years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear 100%.

The old man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The man replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 24, 2012, 02:47:58 PM
If your blonde friend was started to death at #8, how'd she do the rest of that dumb stuff? :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 25, 2012, 02:06:54 AM
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ! ! ! " shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,

"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

 The Nun asked her a third question ..." What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted,

"If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted ...........


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 25, 2012, 02:12:29 AM
Subject: 7 types of sex, Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called:
Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you
both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called:
Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time And you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called:
Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called:
Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long when you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called:
Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called:
Social Security Sex. You get a little from time-to-time, but not enough to live on.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 25, 2012, 02:16:42 AM
I loved the Mary Margaret joke. How many people get to make their teacher faint. ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Katiebee on May 25, 2012, 05:58:44 AM
Completing my education was very important to my dad, so when I was 18 he told me this Army joke. If I have to explain it to you, just send me a PM.

Little Johnny was all dressed up in his fatigues playing Army. Little Mary watched for a while then asked him if she could play with him.

"Sure," said little Johnny. "I'm a Ranger and we're gonna run through the obstacle course."

The started the makeshift course that little Johnny had constructed, and at the first obstacle, they had to scale the fence. Little Johnny waved little Mary on up the ladder and over the fence, and followed her closely behind, looking up her summer dress. They ran across the next yard to a picnic table, and little Johnny waved little Mary ahead, so she crawled under the table with little johnny crawling close behind, looking up her dress.

They ran to a large tree, where there was a knotted rope dangling from a high branch. Again, little Johnny waved little Mary ahead, and she climbed the rope and stood on the first branch. Little Johnny again stared up dress as she climbed up.

Little Mary waited until little Johnny had climbed up beside her, and she leaned over to him and said, "Johnny you are always looking up my dress, would you like to lick me there?"

Little Johnny blushed, grinned, and said, "Oh no. I'm only a pretend Ranger."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 27, 2012, 12:43:03 AM
A radio station ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives.



The final four were:

4th Place.

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willy last night.'
After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."



3rd Place.

"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs.

I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'.

My entire family - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.



2nd Place.

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.

The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax supersize".

But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system:

"Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer?"



1st Place. And the winner is . . .

This happened at a major University, during a biology lecture.

A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?"

The professor responded, "yes, that's correct", adding some statistical data to his lecture.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class - and never returned.

However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question.

"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."





Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 27, 2012, 08:22:53 AM
Okay, number one was hilarious. Number four was downright spooky...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 28, 2012, 02:16:46 PM

6 Minutes Late

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''

George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 28, 2012, 03:15:40 PM
 :emot_laughing:

grrreat one...

vinney

still  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 28, 2012, 03:54:10 PM
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional."

The second guy says, "I'm a DINK. You know, double income, no kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a RUB. You know, rich urban biker."

They turn to the woman and ask, "So what are you?"

The woman replies, "I'm a WIFE. You know - Cook, wash, iron, fuck, etc."



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 28, 2012, 03:57:33 PM
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 28, 2012, 04:05:38 PM
What do women have in common with bowling balls?

No matter how many times you pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter, they always come back for more.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 28, 2012, 04:15:20 PM
Shopping for a Husband

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.



On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
 
The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on May 28, 2012, 06:28:06 PM
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

Vinney that just busted my gut.....Fucking hilarious....

Good show old chap...

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on May 28, 2012, 06:34:35 PM
You know how to find them Vinney I gotta hand it to ya....Great to read these every day...Thanks man...

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 28, 2012, 07:04:19 PM
Only six minutes late? Hell, i'd say fuck golf period! ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 29, 2012, 02:12:55 PM

Microsoft Vs. GM

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

And...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 29, 2012, 05:24:55 PM
Oh, i thought you said Microsoft vs. Grm... My bad. ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 30, 2012, 11:57:45 AM

Le Camel

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.

On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 30, 2012, 12:04:33 PM
 ;D

Another good 'un....

keep on making us laugh...

good start to the day...

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 30, 2012, 12:45:06 PM
I had a feeling the guy had the wrong idea... :P ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 30, 2012, 07:35:44 PM
One evening, the rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 30, 2012, 07:38:10 PM
Q: What is 69 and 69?
A: Dinner for four.

Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)

Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: Why is life like a penis?
A: Because when it's soft it's hard to beat, but when it's hard you get screwed.

Q: What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions.

Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?
A: Your last blow job - Ever!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 30, 2012, 07:42:45 PM
There were three women were at their gynecologist having pre-natal checkups. The doctor asked the first woman, "In what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top," the first woman replied. "You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top," was the reply. "You will have a baby girl," said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked the doctor.

The blonde replied, "Oh no! Am I going to have puppies?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 30, 2012, 07:50:05 PM
A guy dies whilst making love to his wife.

A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?"

The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!"

The undertaker does as he is told.

On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear,

"It fucking hurts doesn't it!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 30, 2012, 07:54:45 PM
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank fuck for that !"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on May 30, 2012, 07:58:59 PM
Lots of dirty jokes today. Just the way we love them. ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 31, 2012, 08:04:40 PM

TV Purchase

 A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 31, 2012, 08:05:26 PM

True Blonde

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on May 31, 2012, 08:06:14 PM

Smart Rednecks

"Hello, is this the police?"

"Yes, what do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, cops descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the police come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on May 31, 2012, 11:50:15 PM
Three great jokes Becca...

 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 01, 2012, 03:17:09 PM
Not so smart rednecks. Then again, if they're looking for free meal and board - courtesy of the police dept. - then maybe they are... :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 01, 2012, 03:17:55 PM
True Blonde was really funny. Thanks, TD!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 01, 2012, 03:51:24 PM

Confessional Specials

A priest is called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he calls a rabbi friend and asks him to cover for him. The rabbi tells him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest says he'd show the rabbi what to do. The rabbi agrees and he and the priest both enter the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?" The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say three Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and sin no more."

A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?" The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say three Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Just once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on June 01, 2012, 03:56:24 PM
 :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 02, 2012, 12:08:05 AM
How true Janus... I'm with you...

 :emot_laughing:

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 02, 2012, 01:37:35 AM
That was insane. Loved it!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 02, 2012, 03:21:03 PM

Well Thought-out Explanation

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on June 02, 2012, 03:24:15 PM
LOL, I remember when this joke was posted a few weeks ago. I enjoyed it as much today as I did then....

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 03, 2012, 12:53:53 PM
The Best Bumper Stickers

•Honk if anything falls off.
•Illiterate? Write for help now!
•Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
•Horn broken.... Watch for finger.
•If you're not a hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
•To all you virgins out there: Thanks for nothing!
•Stop lights timed for 30mph, are also timed for 60mph.
•If that phone was up your butt, maybe you'd drive better.
•Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
•If you don't believe in Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
•If sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong!
•Constipated people just don't give a shit.
•Fight Crime: Shoot Back!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 03, 2012, 01:07:24 PM
Gentlemen... you may not like this... but...

Q:What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for air and yelling your name?
A:You aren't holding the pillow long enough.

Q:Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be hell.

Q: Why do all men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Q; Why did God create man before woman?
A:Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q: Why do men name their penises?
A: Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.

Q:How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
A: He starts bathing twice a week



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 03, 2012, 01:15:40 PM
And ladies... you may not like the short response... but...


Q: What does a woman and carpet have in common?
A: If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them later.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Q: Where does vinney go after posting these?
A: I dunno... I'm still running...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 04, 2012, 01:50:25 AM
That's the safest thing to do, Vinney. Keep running. :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 04, 2012, 01:19:42 PM
It's in the title GG...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6LVI1gDswg


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 04, 2012, 01:20:59 PM
Guess My Age

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a news stand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 04, 2012, 06:35:06 PM
Punk'd by an old lady! Where's Ashton Kutcher hiding? ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 04, 2012, 06:48:03 PM
Damn that's a good one vinney...still laughing. Thanks sugar!    :emot_kiss:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 06, 2012, 08:00:04 PM
Paradisal Justice  

Three men who died the same day were presented before God. The almighty showed particular interest in their sex life.

The first one replied that he never had an affair before or after he was married. God granted him a chauffeur-driven Cadillac.

The second man admitted he had some affairs before he was married but none afterwards. God gave him an Ambassador car.

The third man confessed to having had lots of affairs. God gave him a scooter.

A few days later the man with the scooter saw the fellow with the chauffeur-driven Cadillac sitting by the roadside and crying. The scooterist asked him why was he upset.

Replied the Cadillac owner, "I've just seen my wife ride past on a bicycle."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 06, 2012, 08:06:33 PM
Out of season but they say start early for Xmas... so here goes...!

A Christmas Poem  

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.

And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 06, 2012, 08:11:43 PM
Can I hide in your Cassock?  

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair
remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have
really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they
will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under
your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not
lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask
you any questions", and she gave him the hair remover.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented
himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my
son",he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the
sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument
designed for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: insatiable on June 06, 2012, 08:12:10 PM
This one was texted to me earlier today:

Why do girls rub their eyes as soon as they get up in morning?
-> Coz they don't have balls to scratch.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on June 06, 2012, 09:20:53 PM

Why do girls rub their eyes as soon as they get up in morning?
-> Coz they don't have balls to scratch.


And we're all happy about that.....well OK Janus might not be   ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 06, 2012, 09:31:42 PM

Is your church Redneck?

Your Church Might Be A Redneck Church If:

- People ask, when Jesus fed 5000, whether the
two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait
was used to catch 'em.

- The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to
help take up the offering," then five guys
and two women stand up.

- Opening day of deer season is recognized as
an official church holiday.

- A member of the church requests to be buried in
his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

- With a congregation of 500 members, there are
only seven last names in the church directory.

- Baptism is referred to as "branding."

- People think "rapture" is what you get when
you lift something too heavy.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 06, 2012, 09:45:32 PM
Loved the long Christmas poem, really loved the Redneck church jokes. My favorite was the five hundred members but only seven last names. :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 07, 2012, 12:38:27 AM
One wonders how there were as many as seven last names...? Still... I suppose they had to spread it about a bit...

 :emot_laughing:

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 07, 2012, 05:05:27 PM

Fire Escape

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 07, 2012, 05:09:56 PM
Can you get blonde brain stains out of fabric? :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 07, 2012, 07:38:51 PM
Perfect Becca...

 ;D

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 07, 2012, 11:26:38 PM
Ridem Cowboy

The local yokel got married and his honeymoon was the first time he'd been off the farm.

He'd saved for twenty years for this, so could afford a classy hotel.

Checking in he said "Me and the new WIFE would like to hire your best room for a week"

"Certainly sir" replied the receptionist. "Would you like the Bridal"?

The yokel looked a bit uncertain, then said

"Naw, reckon not, a'll just hang onto her ears 'til a get the hang of it"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 07, 2012, 11:29:34 PM
A Man At The Beach

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done.

She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stamped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 07, 2012, 11:43:43 PM
What men would do if they had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot. 



What women would do if they had a penis for a day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9...... 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 08, 2012, 06:04:50 AM
Years ago i heard a similiar joke to the guy on the beach who ended up in the hospital. It involved a country guy, his young visiting niece and a rooster... :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 08, 2012, 01:32:43 PM
Really liked the Bridal joke vinney, thanks for taking the time to share all these with us.   :emot_kiss:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 08, 2012, 02:20:05 PM
The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was
'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good Morning, Onestone.' 

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

 
Why?


OH, come on... Take a guess !!!

 
Think about it !!!

 
You're going to love this !!! Not a lot, but you'll love it...


Everyone Knows...







You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!
 

 
 
 
 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: redhatlover on June 08, 2012, 03:10:07 PM
The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was
'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good Morning, Onestone.' 

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

 
Why?


OH, come on... Take a guess !!!

 
Think about it !!!

 
You're going to love this !!! Not a lot, but you'll love it...


Everyone Knows...







You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!
 

 
 
 
 


The pun police will get you for that, Vinney!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 08, 2012, 03:20:00 PM
Seems I'm getting it in the proverbial every way today... hehe...

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 08, 2012, 11:33:01 PM
You really dragged that one out, Vin. :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 09, 2012, 12:05:53 AM
Ah... it's just the way I tell 'em...

 :roll:

Sorry to disappoint you...

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 09, 2012, 01:28:53 AM
Not disappointed at all. :P means i'm messing with you. ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 10, 2012, 05:01:27 PM

A Blonde At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 10, 2012, 05:05:42 PM
Becca...! You love your blondes don't you...?  Keep it up...(cough) the great jokes I mean...

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 10, 2012, 08:31:01 PM
Next time the blonde leaves work early she can come to my house. ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 11, 2012, 02:56:14 PM

Performance Reviews

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."

(2) "His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity."

(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

(4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."

(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

(11) "This employee should go far...and the sooner he starts, the better."

(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

(13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

(15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

(16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

(17) "He's been working with glue too much."

(18) "He would argue with a signpost."

(19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

(20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

(21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

(22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored...he's the other one."

(23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

(24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

(25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

(26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

(27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

(28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

(29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

(30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."

(31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

(32) "One neuron short of a synapse."

(33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge he only gargled."

(34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

(35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on June 11, 2012, 03:44:43 PM
How did you get a copy of our exit interviews??


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 11, 2012, 03:50:06 PM
Hehe Eric....you know I'm gonna have to get me some *cough* payback for that remark. 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 11, 2012, 09:33:52 PM
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 11, 2012, 09:38:20 PM
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years
ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you
today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal||||||"                     


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on June 11, 2012, 09:39:25 PM
Both good ones Vinney. Can always count on you making me laugh


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 11, 2012, 09:51:20 PM
A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid's little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically.

The young man gives her a stern look and say, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"



A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"



Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: Why couldn't they get the dead mans casket lid shut?
A: Because he overdosed on viagra!

Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long."
Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.

Q: What do you call ball's on your chin?
A: A dick in your mouth!

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 11, 2012, 09:55:23 PM
Both good ones Vinney. Can always count on you making me laugh

Thanks Coach... it's a pleasure to be pleasuring you...  :roll: if you see what I mean...

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 12, 2012, 03:33:06 AM
I agree with Coach. I love the naked old couple in the kitchen and the newer ones had me rolling.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on June 12, 2012, 12:54:24 PM
One day a mother was cleaning her son's bedroom. In the closet she found an S&M magazine. She showed it to his Father and asked what they should do. He responded "well, I don't think we should spank him."


Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on June 12, 2012, 12:58:06 PM
A man was nervous about having his prostate examind.
To put him at ease, his Dr. said, "At this stage of the procedure, It's quite normal to get an erection".
"I don't have an erection" the man said.
"No" the Dr. replied
"But I do"

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 12, 2012, 02:33:19 PM

Black Box

Three old black ladies were getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.

The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties before I gets on that plane."

"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dere laying butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some fluorescent orange panties."

"Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked.

The second lady answered: "Cause if dis here plane is goin' down and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties......

"What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief.

"Dat's right you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties," the third lady said, "cause if dis plane goes down, dey always look for dat black box first."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on June 12, 2012, 02:39:27 PM
Good one Becca, didn't see that one coming


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 12, 2012, 03:26:06 PM
 :emot_laughing:

Good one Becca...

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on June 12, 2012, 03:33:26 PM
Great additions to the thread Janus

WOO


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 12, 2012, 11:02:16 PM
Love those jokes with a twist, Janus. And the black box was hilarious, TD!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 14, 2012, 01:11:49 AM
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!

Man Teases his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude how was the second-hand stuff?
New husband: Not bad. After the first 3 inches, she was brand new.

Prof teaching muscle movement, asks a lady: Do you know what your asshole does when you have an orgasm?
Lady: Sure, he's at the office, working!

Russian: Sir we got a huge order from usa for 16 inch condoms. I think it is to embarass us.
Boss: No problem! Complete the order and mark them SMALL SIZE.

Why is a woman's pubic hair curly?
So that it won't poke a man in the eye!

Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u hav to do it again.

Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.

70 ways to make a woman happy: No. 1 is shopping & the rest is '69'.

What is Female Viagra
Jewellery.

Why are condoms transparent?
So that sperms can atleast enjoy the scene, even if their entry is restricted...!

What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another Woman trying to do a Man's job!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 18, 2012, 01:29:59 AM
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed

'Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me.'

'But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead?'

'You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 18, 2012, 01:33:15 AM
This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy.

He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."

"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 18, 2012, 01:40:22 AM
Newly married couple, both sex addicts, husband comes downstairs in the morning and the wife asks what he'd like for breakfast.

"Oh I think I'll have a shag please!"

So they go upstairs have a shag then he goes to work.

Husband comes home for lunch, "What would you like for lunch dear?"

"Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So again they shag and he returns to work.

Half an hour later he walks in the house and finds his wife sliding up and down the banister!

"What are you doin?" he shouts.

She replies, "I'm warming up your dinner!!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 18, 2012, 01:43:28 AM
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 18, 2012, 01:46:54 AM
So this guy's tired of life and fed up with not getting sex, so he goes to join the monastery. But there's a recruitment test. As the Abbott explains to the ten potential recruits, "My sons, we must be sure that you won't be troubled by sexual impulses if join the order. So we have a test for all our prospective members. Take your clothes off, sit on the bench, and attach this bell to the end of your penis. When the naked woman comes into the room, any man whose bell rings will have failed the test. He won't be allowed to join our order, and must leave at once, for he will be sorely troubled with sexual thoughts while he is in our midst."

So the men, young and old alike, sit on the bench with a little bell tied to the end of their cocks, waiting expectantly. Then the most beautiful young blonde with big tits waltzes into the room and starts walking slowly down the line, teasing the men as she goes. Not a sound. Not a single erection, not a single bell rings. Until she gets to the end of the line and pushes her butt into the man's face.

Well, it's all too much for him - his cock shoots up, the bell rings furiously and goes flying off across the room with the force of his erection. "I'm sorry," he mumbles, confused and embarrassed, "I'll just pick it up and leave." So he bends down, naked butt upwards, balls dangling, and from behind him comes the tinkling of nine little bells....


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 18, 2012, 02:39:08 AM
So the goat understood him when he asked 'Who's seen MY cock?' lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: SouthernGent on June 18, 2012, 04:17:43 AM
Vinny!!! Thanks, I have needed a good laugh all weekend.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 19, 2012, 01:40:39 PM
Thanks vinney for all the good laughs....woo woo woo!     :emot_kiss:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: prof on June 19, 2012, 02:47:22 PM
Just found this and it made my day. Thanks vinney (and have a woo!)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 19, 2012, 09:22:27 PM

Slip Of The Tongue

 A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye. "Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

 "Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!" The man continues, "What's your story?"

 The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,' but I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch.'"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 19, 2012, 11:26:41 PM
Hmmm, who would 'accidently' say "You ruined my life, you stupid b***h"? lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TPPM on June 19, 2012, 11:28:42 PM
Someone who's really not thinking of his filters and says what he's really thinking.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: shadownibles on June 19, 2012, 11:38:44 PM
Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers.
A. Well hung.

Q. What do lesbians and Wheat Thins have in common.
A. One is a Snack Cracker and the other is a Crack Snack-er.

Q. Why do they smear shit on the walls of a (use any social/ethnic group or county) Rednecks wedding.
A. To keep the flies off the bride.

Q Why do they call "Camels" the Ships of the desert.
A.Because they are full or Iranian sea men.


 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 20, 2012, 12:33:53 AM
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 20, 2012, 12:36:13 AM
One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."

A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 20, 2012, 12:39:12 AM
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 20, 2012, 12:47:33 AM
Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 20, 2012, 09:17:00 AM
You were on a roll there, buddy! Great bunch of jokes. Boy, that boy planned out his revenge to the least detail, huh? ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 20, 2012, 02:27:39 PM

Forgive Your Enemies

The preacher's Sunday sermon was, "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked all present how many have forgiven their enemies.

About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

Now about 80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." she replied.

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, "It's easy, I just outlived all those bitches.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on June 20, 2012, 02:46:59 PM
Woo dat......


Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watasch on June 20, 2012, 05:54:16 PM
Each time I click on this thread I tend to find a new joke.  These past few were great and found myself literally laughing out loud.  Good job to all who have contributed and thanks for making my day a lot brighter.!!!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: MissBarbara on June 20, 2012, 06:34:46 PM
There's a hilarious juxtaposition of thread titles on Recent Posts right now...

Pictures that make your pulse race!
Spay / Neuter your pets!
Sexy lingerie...


And who says KB doesn't have something for everyone!





Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 21, 2012, 12:21:26 AM
A young boy was looking through an old family photograph album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"

"That's your father." she replied.

"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 21, 2012, 12:25:11 AM
Two friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming,

"A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!"

The other friend said, "Don't worry, I'm going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!"

So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.

"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says.

"It's ok", the doctor replies, "all you have to do is suck the poison out."

The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friend asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"

The other friend replies:

"Doctor said you gonna die!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 21, 2012, 12:29:21 AM
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant... about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it.

About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 21, 2012, 03:53:00 AM
Hilarious! Especially the last two, Vinney. Thanks!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 21, 2012, 11:51:32 AM

Grandma's Idea

One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on!

So he goes up to his grandpa and says "Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?" His grandpa replies "Yes Jimmy, I do."

Jimmy then says "Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?"

His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds "Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 21, 2012, 08:18:38 PM
Sounds like grandma's horny... ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 22, 2012, 12:45:45 AM
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 22, 2012, 12:49:27 AM
Haha, I reckon she told him....good one vinney.  Thanks sugar.   :emot_kiss:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 22, 2012, 12:58:12 AM
An apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day.

The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever. People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground."

The banana says "You think thats bad? People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor."

The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy. You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, massaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 22, 2012, 01:04:08 AM
A King had to leave his Kingdom for some business. He was afraid that his only Daughter would be taken advantage of by some of the Guards because she was a very deep sleeper. So before he left, he slipped a razor blade between the lips of her vagina.

The King left. That night, three of the Guards did plan to Fuck the Princess.

The First Guard went into her room. From outside of the room, the other two Guards listened. Suddenly, they heard the First Guard scream. He came out. The other two Guards asked why he screamed. Embarrassed, he said that it was so good that he couldn't control himself. This made the other two smile.

The Second Guard went in. After some time? Ahhhhh!!! The Second Guard came out. The Third Guard asked what happened. Just as embarrassed as the First Guard, the Second Guard said that it felt so good that he couldn't control himself. The Third Guard smiled.

The Third Guard went into the room. He went up to the Princess and lifted her dress. Outside, the other two Guards listened. Mmmmmhhhh!?! The other two Guards took off!

The next morning, the King came back. He suspected that his Guards tried to fuck his daughter. He told them to drop their pants. Each of them did. Two of them had sliced dicks, but the third one didn't. Confused, the King asked why.

He stuck his tongue out and said, 'I neba pry fuk ur dahta, I welly lik ur dahta!'


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 22, 2012, 01:35:10 AM
Chinese Detective Report

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.  So,  he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with  he.

I play with me.

fall out of tree, not see.

NO FEE


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 22, 2012, 02:40:19 AM
Loved the butcher and the detective jokes. He deserved twice his fee. :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 22, 2012, 01:04:17 PM

Beach in France

A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.

"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"

"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."

"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.

So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl."

"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."

"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.

"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?"

"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 22, 2012, 01:07:42 PM

Blonde One Liners

Did you hear about the blonde that put lipstick on her forehead so she could make up her mind?

Did you hear that they found another "Heaven Gates" cult member? Yea...it was a blonde and she was under the sink looking for the comet!

Did you hear about the blonde that threw away her weight loss video because she noticed that the people on the video were not losing weight either?

Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
A: Because they go answer the door.

Q: Why is it a blonde can not have more than a 10 minutes lunchbreak?
A: Because otherwise you have to retrain her.

Q: What do you call a couple of blondes in the front seat of a car?
A: Air Bags.

Q: Do you know what is black and blue and found in a ditch?
A: A man who told one to many blonde jokes.

Q: What do you call a blond with a Chainsaw?
A: Dead.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of waterskis?
A: She's still looking for a lake with a slope.

Q: There were three third graders walking down the street a redhead, brunnette, and a blonde. Which one had the best figure?
A: The Blonde, she was 18.

Q: What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde guy and a blonde girl?
A: The blonde girl's sperm count is higher.

Q: How do blonde's brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you make a one arm blonde fall out of a tree?
A: Wave to her!

Q: What do you call blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes!

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was going to have a baby?
A: I hope it's mine.

Q: Why did the blonde turn into the ditch?
A: She left her blinker on!

Q: How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

Q: Why did the blonde jump off the cliff?
A: Because she thought her Maxi-pad had wings.

Q: Why don't blondes like to breast feed their children?
A: Because it hurts when they boil their nipples.

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: You knock on the door.

Q: Why can't a blonde make kool-aide?
A: She can't figure out how to fit 2 quarts of water in a kool-aide packet.

Q: What is dumber than two brunettes that tried to build a house at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Two blondes that tried to burn it down!

Q: What's blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: Why are Blonde's coffins shaped like a triangle?
A: Because everytime their head hits a pillow their legs open.

Q: What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes?
A: An interpreter.

Q: How does a blonde get hurt raking leaves?
A: She falls out of the tree!

Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde who had a bumper sticker that said, "ALL BLONDES AREN'T DUMB?"
A: No one could read it because it was hung upside-down.

Q: Why do blonde's like sunroofs?
A: More legroom.

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chainlink fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to kill herself?
A: She jumped out a basement window.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 22, 2012, 01:13:38 PM
WOO Becca... great jokes... but watch out for them blondes... if they ever manage to understand your collection you could be in trouble...!

 :emot_laughing:

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 22, 2012, 01:53:09 PM

Chicago

A nun was traveling to Chicago by air. She sat down at the gate waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw a weight machine that tells your weight and fortune. She thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine, stepped on the scale and put in her quarter. Out came a card that said, "You're a nun and weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine, stepped on the scale and put in another quarter. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument in my life."

She sat back down. From nowhere a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. She picked it up and began playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."

Back to the machine. She put in another quarter and the card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong. "I've never broken wind in public a day in my life." Well, she tripped getting off the scale and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went to the machine, put in a quarter, and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you have fiddled and farted around, and missed your plane to Chicago."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watcher1 on June 22, 2012, 07:15:19 PM
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, you know what I miss most of all?

She asks, What?

Sex!! he replies.

Mildred exclaims, Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!

I know, Harold says, but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.

Well, I can oblige, says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, Parkinson's.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: redhatlover on June 22, 2012, 07:25:27 PM
THAT IS FUNNY!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 23, 2012, 12:21:18 AM
There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...

Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 23, 2012, 12:25:42 AM
One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels.

As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again.

Again, she finds that she cannot manoeuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step.

Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus.

The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!"

Nonplussed, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 23, 2012, 12:40:08 AM
A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.

One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go tohell."

This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in hell.

So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.

One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."

Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it."

So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?"

She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to hell!"

They were shocked and asked why.

"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 23, 2012, 12:55:41 AM
You are on a roll vinney, all three of those were great, and a WOO for those lost 5 inches.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 23, 2012, 01:11:56 AM
Gee thanks Becca... I'm embarrassed now...

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 23, 2012, 01:24:58 AM
Senior citizens and housewives are always doing or saying stuff that makes us laugh like crazy.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 23, 2012, 11:51:38 AM
One morning an Englishman is having breakfast in Paris, (coffee and toast) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.

The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation..

Frenchman: 'You English eat the whole bread?'

Englishman 'Of course.'

Frenchman (after blowing a huge bubble): 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ...'

The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat marmalade with your toast?'

Englishman: 'Of course.'

Frenchman (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling): 'We don't. In France we eat fresh oranges for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into marmalade, and sell the marmalade to England.'

After a moment of silence, the Englishman asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Englishman: 'We don't. In England we put them into a container, melt them down and recycle them into bubble-gum, and sell it to France.'


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 23, 2012, 11:53:48 AM
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,
 
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
 
80% held up their hands.
 
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
 
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
 
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
 
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
 
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
 
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person
can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
 
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit,
turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
 
"I outlived the bastards."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 23, 2012, 12:19:20 PM
NOAH  TODAY.

In the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Newfoundland  and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a Building Permit. I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

“My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations.

“We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a variance.

“Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

"When I started gathering the animals the SPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

"Then the Environmental Canada ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

"Immigration are checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

"To make matters worse, the Canada Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 Years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

“No,” said the Lord. “The Government beat me to it.”


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on June 23, 2012, 02:03:25 PM
All good jokes Vinney but I do have to say that I liked the old lady joke more then the old golfer one


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 24, 2012, 08:36:01 AM
Loved the bubble gum joke, Vinney. Thanks!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watasch on June 24, 2012, 08:49:58 AM
A blonde walks into beauty shop, earbuds in from her MP3 player, and is eventually seated in a chair.  The beautician asks what she would like and she lets her know.

After a while the beautician is frustrated trying to work around the earbuds and the wire.  She asks the blonde to remove them but the blonde says, rather firmly, no way!

The beautician continues to work and in a desperate act of frustration pulls out the blonde's earbuds.

After just a moment the blonde turns blue and eventually collapses onto the floor.

911 is called, emergency personnel arrive, quickly work on the blonde, load her into an ambulance and drive away.

The beautician, clearly upset with what happened, sees the blonde's MP3 player sitting on the floor.  Curious as to what she was listening to she puts the earbuds into her ears and she hears:    Breath in.....Breath out.....Breath in....Breath out....


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on June 24, 2012, 12:35:24 PM
Good one watasch...

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Katiebee on June 26, 2012, 07:44:27 AM
Brunettes love blonde jokes.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 30, 2012, 04:33:21 PM

Blondes, Bananas And Trains

Two blondes were riding a train for the first time. They had brought along a bag of bananas for lunch. Just as one bit into her banana, the train entered a tunnel under a mountain.

In the darkness was overheard, "Did you take a bite of your banana?"

"No."

"Well, don't. I did and I just went blind."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on June 30, 2012, 04:35:17 PM

A Man's Quiz

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss Sports Center

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to doing
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem--she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on June 30, 2012, 04:40:14 PM
C


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on June 30, 2012, 05:19:14 PM
Thanks, TD. I needed that laugh after what i went through on here last night. I feel bad for the blind blonde, too. :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 01, 2012, 06:08:04 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/555821_416404245068682_992266859_n.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Hoss on July 02, 2012, 08:04:56 AM

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, 'Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?'

Al replies, 'I don't know, let' s ask our waiter.'

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, 'Are there any Mexican Jews?'

The waiter says, 'I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.'

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, 'No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.'

Al isn't satisfied and asks, 'Are you absolutely sure?'

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos' replies, 'I check once again, senor!' and goes back into the kitchen.

The waiter returns and says, 'Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews.'

'Are you certain?' Al asks again. 'I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!'

'SENOR, I ask EVERYONE,' replies the waiter, 'All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Hoss on July 02, 2012, 08:09:02 AM
Guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
 He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.
"Have you ever served in the military?"
 "Yes,"  he says, "I was in Namibia & Angola for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."      Then he asks,  "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says,  "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00  am to 4:00 pm. You can start  tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is  puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why do you want me here only from 10:00 am?"
"This is a  government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we  just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.  No point in you coming in for that." 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on July 02, 2012, 09:23:55 AM
Well, i don't drink coffee but i can scratch my balls, lol! I remember a joke with three men on a plane that needs to lighten it's load so it won't crash. Each man throws something off the plane that his country has too much of already. I know how the joke ends but does anyone remember how it goes?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on July 02, 2012, 11:52:06 AM

The Official Blonde Sex Quiz

TRUE or FALSE?
 1. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit in the Outback.
 2. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird.
 3. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
 4. The G-string is part of a violin.
 5. Anus is the Latin word for yearly.
 6. Testicles are found on an octopus.
 7. Foetus is a character in "Gunsmoke".
 8. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
 9. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
 10. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
 11. Sodomy is a special kind of fast growing grass.
 12. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.
 13. Douche is the Italian word for twelve.
 14. An enema is someone who is not your friend.
 15. Scrotum is a small moon orbiting Uranus.
 16. Climax is a weather balloon.
 17. Condom is a small apartment complex.
 18. Menopause is a button on the VHS remote control.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on July 02, 2012, 11:57:10 AM

What Day

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.

I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY

2. THURSDAY

3. TODAY

4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on July 02, 2012, 12:15:06 PM
That's one smart [ass] husband. :P And number fifteen of the Blonde Quiz COULD kind of be true, lol. ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Hoss on July 03, 2012, 01:24:19 AM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied...

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on July 03, 2012, 01:25:17 AM
Even grandmas need attention... ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on July 03, 2012, 12:37:13 PM

Philosophic Questions

Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about
 important stuff!

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
 prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
 airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
 headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
 progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?

If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of ONE?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on July 03, 2012, 01:25:36 PM
I just showed your list to a blonde. Her head exploded. :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on July 03, 2012, 01:43:39 PM
Good points Becca. I've seen lists like this before but all of them are really WTF type stuff


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watasch on July 03, 2012, 07:23:24 PM
They are all worth a chuckle and I have seen many lists like this before.  In fact I have asked some of those same questions like why is there braille on a drive up ATM?  However there was one question that really hit the nail on the head and I believe it is descriptive of politics today: 
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
     I believe the answer is a resounding:  YES!!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: redhatlover on July 03, 2012, 07:45:39 PM
They are all worth a chuckle and I have seen many lists like this before.  In fact I have asked some of those same questions like why is there braille on a drive up ATM?  However there was one question that really hit the nail on the head and I believe it is descriptive of politics today: 
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
     I believe the answer is a resounding:  YES!!

 Very simple answer to that question:  the ATM is made of several major assemblies.  When something goes wrong, the service technician just replaces a major assembly, such as the money dispenser or the control/display unit.  The assemblies can be used in any type of ATM, whether walk-up or drive up.  Having the braille on the unit allows it to be installed anywhere.  If units didn't have the braille on them, they could only be installed ina drive-up unit, making the technician carry more than one on a service call.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: prof on July 03, 2012, 07:48:40 PM
They are all worth a chuckle and I have seen many lists like this before.  In fact I have asked some of those same questions like why is there braille on a drive up ATM?  However there was one question that really hit the nail on the head and I believe it is descriptive of politics today: 
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
     I believe the answer is a resounding:  YES!!

 Very simple answer to that question:  the ATM is made of several major assemblies.  When something goes wrong, the service technician just replaces a major assembly, such as the money dispenser or the control/display unit.  The assemblies can be used in any type of ATM, whether walk-up or drive up.  Having the braille on the unit allows it to be installed anywhere.  If units didn't have the braille on them, they could only be installed ina drive-up unit, making the technician carry more than one on a service call.

I prefer to believe that there are people out there with guide dogs in the passenger seat and braille gearshifts.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: redhatlover on July 03, 2012, 07:52:08 PM
The way I have seen some people drive, I can believe that!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on July 03, 2012, 08:54:31 PM
Hey, Marc Singer plays a real life blind man in the 8Os who drove a car and Rutger Hauer did it in Blind Fury so i'm with you guys! :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watasch on July 03, 2012, 09:08:13 PM
Got my vote on that one also.  After some of the drivers I have seen makes me wish to avoid any type of traffic.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on July 03, 2012, 09:32:38 PM

The Penguin And The Icecream

A penguin was driving through Arizona on a hot, summer Sunday when he noticed his oil light was on. He got out of the car and, sure enough, it was leaking oil all over the road.

The penguin drove around the corner to a service station and asked the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic said he had a few others to look at first but if he came back in an hour he could tell the penguin what was wrong with his car. The penguin agreed and went for a walk.

He found an ice-cream shop and thought a big bowl of vanilla ice cream would really hit the spot, since he was a penguin and it was Arizona in the summer, after all. He sat down at the counter and started in on his ice cream. Of course he had no hands so it was rather messy. By the time he was done he had ice cream all over his flippers, and his mouth was a total mess.

He walked back to the service station and said to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?"

The mechanic replied, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No no," said the penguin. "It's just ice cream."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on July 03, 2012, 09:36:25 PM

Army Fashion

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.

The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on July 03, 2012, 09:40:15 PM
Never did care for brown-colored pants... :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on July 04, 2012, 04:06:18 PM

Turn Off Clinton

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can."

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on July 04, 2012, 04:09:37 PM
 :emot_laughing:


Nice


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on July 04, 2012, 11:01:08 PM
Great one!!! I can't stop laughing!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on July 05, 2012, 12:05:09 PM

Men

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

 Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

 Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Snow storms.
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they will last.

Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

Men are like....Newborn babies.
They're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.

Men are like.....Crystal.
Some look real good, but you can still see right thru them.

Men are like.....Dry cleaners.
Most work fast and leave no ring.

Men are like..... Laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of you.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on July 05, 2012, 12:06:12 PM

The Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on July 05, 2012, 12:28:23 PM
"Return to sender Address unknown No such number No such zone" ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TPPM on July 08, 2012, 06:37:45 AM
Saw this on another list

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVEPvXBEOSE&feature=youtu.be


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on July 08, 2012, 04:52:45 PM
Blonde Mailbox

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive
blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to
the mail box.

She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the
house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to
the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it
closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked
her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she  replied,  "There certainly is! My stupid computer
keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 09, 2012, 01:48:33 AM
President Clinton maybe...?

Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across.

Now, the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 09, 2012, 01:53:51 AM
John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man.

"I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

"I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 09, 2012, 02:02:10 AM
So this guy's tired of life and fed up with not getting sex, so he goes to join the monastery. But there's a recruitment test. As the Abbott explains to the ten potential recruits,

"My sons, we must be sure that you won't be troubled by sexual impulses if join the order. So we have a test for all our prospective members. Take your clothes off, sit on the bench, and attach this bell to the end of your penis. When the naked woman comes into the room, any man whose bell rings will have failed the test. He won't be allowed to join our order, and must leave at once, for he will be sorely troubled with sexual thoughts while he is in our midst."

So the men, young and old alike, sit on the bench with a little bell tied to the end of their cocks, waiting expectantly. Then the most beautiful young blonde with big tits waltzes into the room and starts walking slowly down the line, teasing the men as she goes. Not a sound. Not a single erection, not a single bell rings. Until she gets to the end of the line and pushes her butt into the man's face.

Well, it's all too much for him - his cock shoots up, the bell rings furiously and goes flying off across the room with the force of his erection.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles, confused and embarrassed, "I'll just pick it up and leave."

So he bends down, naked butt upwards, balls dangling, and from behind him comes the tinkling of nine little bells....



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 09, 2012, 02:05:21 AM
This bloke gets on a bus and sees a nun he rather fancies. Something to do with the black stockings maybe. Anyhow, he knows that if you don't ask you don't get, so he turns to her and says: "Sister, will you have sex with me?"

"Oh no," she says, shocked, "I can't possibly do that. I'm married to God."

Well, he's disappointed, but he sees her point, so he thinks that's that. But when he gets off the bus, the bus driver stops him - "Hey," he whispers, "I know how you can get to have sex with her!"

"You do?" the guy says, "quick, tell me!"

"Every Saturday night she goes to the cemetery to pray, and all you have to do is lie on one of the tombstones dressed in white robe with a false beard, tell her you're God, and she'll have sex with you!"

Well, he's skeptical, but why not? So Saturday night sees him in the cemetery. Sure enough, the nun comes in and begins to pray. "I am God," the man declares, keeping his hood low about his face, "and you must have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. Well, he's pretty desperate too, so he goes along with it and enjoys his romp with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries, "I'm not God, I'm the man in the bus!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun, "Guess what? I'm the bus driver!



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Hoss on July 09, 2012, 02:18:12 AM
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. 
 
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.  Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'


'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'


'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'


'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'


'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us. :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on July 09, 2012, 03:31:58 AM
Got to love a girl with a speech impediment...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: alb6401 on July 09, 2012, 06:08:05 AM
Oh damn Hoss that's fucked up :emot_weird:. And very funny too. Hahahahaha


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: wanker77 on July 09, 2012, 06:20:13 AM
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on July 10, 2012, 12:13:50 PM
The Betting With A Blonde

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00pm news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial.

Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump.

Blonde: OK.

(Back to newscast : He jumped!)

Blonde: OK. I lost. Here's my $20 to you.

Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it.

Blonde: I insist. I lost.

Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00 p.m. news and I knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet.

Blonde: I know, I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to jump TWICE!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watcher1 on July 11, 2012, 07:40:11 PM
Depressed?

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up  your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will  lead you to the  Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

Folks, we're screwed.....


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on July 11, 2012, 10:19:44 PM
Screwed, lewd, and tattooed. ;)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 12, 2012, 12:13:14 AM
A man walks into a watch and clock store, unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter.

The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid. She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir, this is a clock shop - not a cock shop!"

"Well," replies the man, "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?"



This guy's walking along the beach when he kicks a bottle. Much to his surprise, a genie flies out.

"Oh master," it declaims, "your wish is my command."

Great, thinks the guy, his chance has finally come!

"Genie," he demands, "give me a cock that touches the floor."

Whereupon both his legs fell off.



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 12, 2012, 12:18:45 AM
It's 2022 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. The first thing they see is a Martian couple. Mike and Maureen naturally want to know how they have sex. She goes straight to the point: "So how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Like you do, I think," says the male Martian, "but maybe we'd better check it out to be sure!" So, after some discussion, they all agree to swap partners for one night.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a tiny penis about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen, disappointed beyond belief.

The male Martian looks puzzled. "Why not?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to go inside me!"

"No problem," he says, and starts to slap his forehead with his hand. With each slap, his cock grows till it's actually pretty long.

"Well," she says, "that's very impressive, but it's still quite narrow...."

"No problem," says the male Martian, and he starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his cock grows wider and wider until it's huge!

"Wow!" shouts Maureen, before they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

Next day the two couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike says to Maureen, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," replies Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," says Mike, "all I got was a terrible headache. She just kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 12, 2012, 12:21:35 AM
This man's in the line at the supermarket check out. But when he gets to the register he realizes he's forgotten to pick up his condoms. So he asks the checkout girl if she could have someone bring them.

She replies, "Of course, Sir, but I'll just check your size. Drop your pants please."

Wow, he thinks, this is great service, and he drops 'em. She reaches over the counter, grabs his cock, picks the store intercom and announces, "One box of large condoms to check out 10."

Well, the next man in line thought this was interesting and, so, when he gets to the check out, he tells the checker that he too has forgotten to get condoms, and asks if she could have some brought up to the register. Sure enough, she asks him to drop his pants to check his size, gives him a quick feel, picks up the store intercom and says, "One box of medium sized condoms to check out 10."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he'd seen was just so cool, and he'd never had any sexual experience with a woman, so this seemed like his big chance. When he gets to the register, he tells the checker he needs some condoms bringing up. She asks him what size, and he says he doesn't know. So she asks him to drop his pants for her to check. One quick feel, and she picks up the intercom and announces, "Clean up crew to check out 10!"



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 12, 2012, 12:26:57 AM
I have a little poem, I'll try to make it quick;
The subject is quite simple: the joy of owning dick.

A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen,
His testicles on either side, his willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and care, for it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.

Without this super organ, no shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail.

And so I'd say with certainty
That every man just loves his tool:

But girls, be sure you never chew,
Just suck and fondle, lick and play,

But never, ever bend!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Hoss on July 12, 2012, 02:18:13 AM
Hope this doesn't offend anyone....not aware of what is politically correct Stateside...???

INTER FAITH ...
 
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said,
"I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating,
"That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied,
"You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives.
One more and I'll have a golf course."  


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 12, 2012, 10:39:26 AM
Frozen crabs, A Lawyer, And A Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded a Jetstar flight in Perth , with a box of frozen crabs and asked the blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.  She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.  He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
 
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his Behaviour.

Shortly before landing in Sydney , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,

"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Perth, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ..... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: alb6401 on July 12, 2012, 02:05:50 PM
vinney that's priceless.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on July 12, 2012, 03:23:07 PM
Loved the condoms joke, the crabs joke, and the eighteen wives joke. Great stuff.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: prof on July 12, 2012, 04:38:59 PM
Loved the crabs joke and the condoms joke but in the UK service is not so good. You have to do your own extending before the checkout girl will measure it.

Also our condoms only come in two sizes - small and large (I believe it's the same as the US extra large and super XL sizes...)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: DrWoody on July 12, 2012, 06:54:29 PM
Depressed?

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up  your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will  lead you to the  Promised Land."

. . . .

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

Folks, we're screwed.....

Watcher, great joke. This one made me laugh out loud.  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 13, 2012, 01:04:19 AM
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: DrWoody on July 13, 2012, 08:58:46 PM
Also our condoms only come in two sizes - small and large (I believe it's the same as the US extra large and super XL sizes...)

Just for you:  :D

A young Londoner of noble birth, sporting a 20-inch penis, went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long.

“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “Is there any way you can shorten it?”

The doctor replied, “Medically young man, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch near Newcastle, on the River Tyne, who may be able to help you.” So the doctor gave him directions to the witch's place.

The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad tale.

“Witch, my penis is 20 inches long, and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?”

The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it. The man uncoiled his 20-inch penis. The witch stared in amazement, scratched her head, and then replied, “I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to the river's edge next to the forest. On the river bank you will find a three legged frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog, "will you marry me?" Each time the frog declines your proposal and says "no," your penis will be 4 inches shorter.”

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the bank and, sure enough, there sat the three legged frog on a log. He uncoiled his huge penis and called out to the frog, “Will you marry me?”

The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, “NO.”

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter!

“WOW!” he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, “This is great! But it's still too long at 16 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again.”

Once more he shouted to the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?”

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, “NO!”

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The man laughed, and shouted, “This is fantastic!”

His penis was now only 12 inches long, so he reflected for a moment. “Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal,” he thought. “So, I’ll ask the frog to marry me once more.”

Grinning, he yelled out one last time, “Frog, will you marry me?”

The frog looked at him completely mortified, and shaking its head in frustration, yelled back, “NO! NO! . . . and for the last time, NO!”

Crazy Brit.  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 14, 2012, 02:40:37 PM
A woman had lunch with two of her unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress. They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went...

The engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ''You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then the married woman had to share her story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, ''What’s for dinner, Zorro?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on July 15, 2012, 01:37:27 AM
Looks like Zero will be cooking his own dinner. :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: licksnkissez on July 15, 2012, 02:35:58 AM

"In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear confrontations, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and be alert for bears while in the field. ...We advise that outdoorsmen wear small bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them, and to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter....

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smell like pepper. "


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 16, 2012, 12:21:19 AM
One evening, the rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 16, 2012, 12:23:35 AM
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship, "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 16, 2012, 12:25:59 AM
Cindy and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they hadn't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Cindy said, "It's okay. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"

Sally replied, "It's just great, ever since we got into S & M."

Cindy is aghast. "Really Sally! I never would have guessed that you would go for that sort of thing."

"Oh, sure," says Sally. "He snores while I masturbate."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 16, 2012, 12:35:38 AM
Paddy and Murphy go for a day of fishing, but when they get to the bridge they realize they have forgotten their equipment. So Murphy comes up with an idea.

“Paddy you hold me by the ankles over the bridge and when I see a fish I’ll grab it” so Paddy hangs him over the side.

All of a sudden Murphy shouts “Paddy, pull me up quick”

Paddy asks “Why Murphy, have you caught a fish?”

“No Paddy,” Murphy replies “there’s a train coming...”


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 16, 2012, 12:46:19 AM
As the man began walking toward the door, his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

The man replied, "I'm going to the doctor."

"Why? Are you sick?" the wife asked.

"No," the husband replied. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

His wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her coat. The husband turned to her and asked, "Where are you going?"

The wife replied, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

"Why?" asked her husband.

His wife replied, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Hoss on July 16, 2012, 12:55:18 AM

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we  decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
Before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
 Always keep your condoms in your car. :emot_laughing: :emot_kiss:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Hoss on July 16, 2012, 12:59:46 AM


A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.   :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Hoss on July 17, 2012, 01:16:10 AM
Political Incorrectness Rules...!!!!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had thebiggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
 
 
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
 
 
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
 
 
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
 
 
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."
 
 
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
 
 
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I  lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have  curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa! Who knew?
 
 
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
 
 
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but  I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
 
 
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
 
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
 
 
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next  thing I know 4,000 f**king Muslims have added me as a friend!
 

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
 
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway
.

 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: kinkyangel on July 17, 2012, 01:41:37 AM
 :emot_laughing: 

I love the twin joke!

I needed those laughs! Good post :)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Hoss on July 17, 2012, 02:47:24 AM
How about this one....will this get me "banished" in the States...???:

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.  A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Praise Allah" and took off before the light changed.  Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man...that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver. :roll: :roll:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: alb6401 on July 17, 2012, 04:55:44 AM
Hoss that hilarious maybe not politically correct but still hahahahaha


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on July 17, 2012, 06:30:07 AM
Yeah it's so much better that it comes from OZ..... :emot_laughing:

It could have been a carload of........it was still funny


Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: RopeFiend on July 17, 2012, 07:39:20 AM


Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
 
.


(http://i48.tinypic.com/29lhd3a.gif)

... and wonders how many people WON'T get the joke!  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 19, 2012, 01:05:58 AM
A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?"

The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!"

The undertaker does as he is told.

On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 19, 2012, 01:08:17 AM
Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.

That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep.

In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
 
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!"

The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 19, 2012, 01:15:18 AM
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 19, 2012, 01:22:10 AM
One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women."

The chief replied "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"

The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.

Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women."

The Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."

The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles."

The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.

The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass.

"Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.

"Just checking for bees." replied the boy.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on July 19, 2012, 01:54:32 AM
One day the chief's son came to him and asked,"Father, how did you decide on the name you chose for me?" "Well" Said the proud chief, "The morning after your older brother was born a lone bear sat on the ridge over looking our lodge,so we named him Lone Bear. The morning after your sister was born two fawns were frolicking in the stream, so we named her Playful Fawn." The Chief then asked the young brave,"Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?"

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Hoss on July 19, 2012, 04:23:33 AM
There are two sides to every story...

WOMEN -Two female friends are catching up:

So, how was your evening last night?

A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?

Oh, mine was incredible.. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing stary sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late.. It was wonderful...

MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...

So, how was your evening last night?
Great! When I got home, the food was ready. I ate, we fucked and I fell asleep. You?

A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...! The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these fucking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing...  


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on July 19, 2012, 04:45:40 AM
What a fantastic joke Hoss......You Rock...

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: wanker77 on July 19, 2012, 06:24:38 AM
Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A: Because she kept throwing away all of the W's

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?
A: A $100 bill.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None, it should be opened when your girlfriend brings it to you.

Q: Why are girlfriends like condoms?
A: They spend 99% of their time in your wallet, and the other 1% on your dick.

Q: Why do women have tits?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic girlfriend and a Jewish girlfriend?
A: A Catholic girlfriend has real orgasms and fake jewelry.



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watasch on July 19, 2012, 11:05:40 AM
There are two sides to every story...

WOMEN -Two female friends are catching up:

So, how was your evening last night?

A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?

Oh, mine was incredible.. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing stary sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late.. It was wonderful...

MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...

So, how was your evening last night?
Great! When I got home, the food was ready. I ate, we fucked and I fell asleep. You?

A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...! The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these fucking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing...  


So true how perspectives are different and color the war between men and women!!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: alb6401 on July 24, 2012, 04:39:38 AM
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother.

"Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"
 
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on July 24, 2012, 11:02:25 AM

Holmes Investigation

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on July 24, 2012, 11:03:28 AM

1000 Steps

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 5th step He would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter Heaven.

The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so she could not enter Heaven.

The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so she could not enter Heaven either.

Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.

"Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke."

"I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 24, 2012, 09:48:21 PM
Did you hear about Bruce driving over Sydney Bridge?

He saw his Sheila about to jump.

Bruce pulled over and asked her what she was doing?

She turned with tears in her eyes and said 'Bruce I'm pregnant! Now I'm going to kill myself...'

Bruce said 'Aww Sheila! Not only are you a good shag but you are a damn good sport too!'


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 25, 2012, 12:50:41 AM
A little boy & a little girl are playing doctor behind a barn. They are both bear butt naked. The little boy's mom comes around the corner, and catches them. She grabs her son by the arm, and drags him to the house. Spanking him the whole way.

When they get back to the house she sits him down, and says to the little boy, "Don't be messing' with those little girls vaginas. They got teeth down there, and they'll bite off anything that gets near it. "

Well the little boy grows up still thinking' this. He gets to high school. He falls in love. 17 Years old, and still a virgin.

Now he's 21, and he asks his girlfriend to marry him. Still a virgin.

He's 24, it's he's wedding night, and he's still a virgin.

They go on their honeymoon, and get into bed. They're foolin' around. Suddenly he gets off, rolls over and turns off the light.

His wife says " Why, why, why, just a minute. Aren't we going to have sex? "

He says "No, my mom done told me about you women, ya'll got teeth in ya'lls vaginas. "

She says "No I don't, if you don't believe me turn on the light and look . "

So, he turns on the light and she shows him.

She says "Well? "

He says "No wonder you aint got no teeth, look at the shape your gums are in... "


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 25, 2012, 08:30:57 PM
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000."

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 26, 2012, 12:44:16 AM
HOLY PROSTITUTES

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye... It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
'What may we do for you. my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,

'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on July 26, 2012, 12:48:26 AM
Vaseline survey......

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on July 31, 2012, 04:36:57 AM
A man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a gin and tonic. She hands him an apple. He looks at it dubiously. "Go ahead, take a bite." He does. His eyes light up. "It tastes like gin!" "Turn it around." He does and marvels that it tastes like tonic. "How about a vodka and orange juice?" She hands him another apple which he eagerly bites into. "It tastes like Vodka!" "Turn it around." He does and marvels that it tastes like o.j. Leaning forward he whispers, "You seem like a smart girl. Where can i get some pussy around?" She hands him another apple. He takes a bite. Making a face he spits it out. "This tastes like shit!!!" "Turn it around."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: alb6401 on July 31, 2012, 06:25:35 AM
I know this is long winded but its funny if you go ahead and read it all.
WBAM _ Chicago

If you don't laugh at the end of  reading this then there's something wrong with you... Just imagine sitting in  traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in   Chicago . The DJs  play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate  Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously  involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes," he or she is then asked  3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the  name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner  answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One  particular game, however, several months ago made the Windy City drop to its knees with laughter and  is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went  down:

DJ: Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of Mate  Match?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I have.

DJ: Great! Then you  know we're giving away a trip to Orlando , Florida if you win. What is your name? First  only please.

Contestant: Brian.

DJ: Brian, are you married or  what?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're  what?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.

DJ: Thank  you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.

Brian:  Sarah.

DJ: Is Sarah at work, Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill  me.

DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?

Brian:  (laughing) Yes, she's at work.

DJ: Okay, first question - when was the  last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Brian!  Stay with me here!

Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.

DJ: Atta  boy, Brian.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...

DJ: Question #2 -  How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really  want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at  stake.

Brian: Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.

DJ: Okay. Final  question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian:  (laughing hard) I, ummm, I, well...

DJ: This sounds good, Brian. Where  was it at?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying  with us for a couple of weeks...

DJ: Uh h uh...

Brian: ....and the  Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.

DJ: Atta boy,  Brian.

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: Not that great?? That is  more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will  put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to  this.

(3 minutes of commercials follow)

DJ: Okay audience, let's  call Sarah, shall we?

(touch tones... ringing...)

Clerk:  Kinkos.

DJ: Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?

Clerk: This is  she.

DJ: Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now  and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.

Sarah:  (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while now. He is on the l ine  with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away! or you'll lose. Sooooooo...  do you know the rules of
Mate Match?

Sarah: No.

DJ:  Good!

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are  you up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be  completely honest.

DJ: Yeah yeah yeah. Sure.. Now, I will ask you 3  questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you  will be off to Orlando ,   Florida for 5 days on us. Disney  World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it  Sarah?

Sarah: (laughing) Yes.

DJ: Alright. When did you last have  sex, Sarah?

Sarah: Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to  work.

DJ: What time?

Sarah: Around 8 this morning.

DJ: Very  good. Next question. How long did ! it last?

Sarah: 12, 15 minutes  maybe.

DJ:! Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to  protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question  away from a trip to Florida . Are you ready?

Sarah:  (laughing) Yes.

DJ: Where did you have it?
Sarah: OH MY GOD,  BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?

Brian: Just tell him,  honey.

DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sarah?

Sarah: Well, it's  just that my mom is vacationing with us and...

DJ: Come on Sarah... where  did you have it?

Sarah: In the ass...

(long pause)

DJ:  Folks, we need to take a station  break

 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: RopeFiend on July 31, 2012, 08:49:33 AM

Vaseline survey......


PERFECT timing! 

One of the young girls at work asked me today if I put Vaseline on my lips, and I said "No, Vaseline is for sex, I use Chapstick for my lips".  She started to back-pedal and I said "Chapstick has been around for at least 50 years that I can attest to, and it tastes WAY better than Vaseline does.  Do yourself a favor and get yourself a Chapstick.  Or not." <along with a leering grin and waggled eyebrows>

She was utterly flustered, and couldn't come up with a reply.  ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on July 31, 2012, 03:40:24 PM
Name Tag

A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants, a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt.

"Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on July 31, 2012, 03:43:19 PM

Dominate Your Mate

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on August 01, 2012, 07:52:39 AM
Three rednecks are staring at a pig's butt. One of the younger ones says "I wish that was Britney Spear's ass." The second younger one says "I wish that was Paris Hilton's ass." The older redneck says "I just wish it were dark."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watasch on August 01, 2012, 12:18:55 PM
     Two aggies (Texas A&M for the uninformed) were walking down the street when they came upon a dog sitting on the pavement and licking his balls.
     One of the aggies stated, "I wish I could do that!"
     The other one replied, "Careful, he may bite you!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: alb6401 on August 01, 2012, 02:12:47 PM
     Two aggies (Texas A&M for the uninformed) were walking down the street when they came upon a dog sitting on the pavement and licking his balls.
     One of the aggies stated, "I wish I could do that!"
     The other one replied, "Careful, he may bite you!"
[/quote

Thats funny and I am knee deep in Aggies around here. Gag'em Iggies ooops that Gig'em Aggies


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on August 03, 2012, 02:22:50 PM

In The Desert

There's a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead traveling through the desert when their car suddenly stalls. They all get out of the car and, upon realizing that it's not going to start, they each take one thing from the car. The brunette takes a bottle of water, the redhead takes a bag of food with her, and the blonde takes the car door.

They begin to walk through the desert, and soon stop to rest. At this point the blonde and the brunette turn to the redhead and ask her why she brought the food. She replies, "Well, in case I get hungry I'll have something to eat."

They all think this is pretty reasonable and then the redhead and the blonde turn to the brunette and ask her why she decided to bring water. The brunette replies, "Well, in case I got thirsty I'll have something to drink." They all decide that's a good idea, too.

Finally, the brunette and the redhead turn to the blonde and ask her why on earth she would take the car door. She replies, "Well, I thought if I got hot I could roll down the window."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on August 03, 2012, 02:23:49 PM

A Swim Competition

 A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke
division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead
second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.After being revived
with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to call anybody a cheater, but I think I saw those other two girls use their arms.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: redhatlover on August 03, 2012, 07:14:22 PM
I know this is long winded but its funny if you go ahead and read it all.
WBAM _ Chicago

If you don't laugh at the end of  reading this then there's something wrong with you... Just imagine sitting in  traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in   Chicago . The DJs  play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate  Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously  involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes," he or she is then asked  3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the  name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner  answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One  particular game, however, several months ago made the Windy City drop to its knees with laughter and  is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went  down:

DJ: Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of Mate  Match?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I have.

DJ: Great! Then you  know we're giving away a trip to Orlando , Florida if you win. What is your name? First  only please.

Contestant: Brian.

DJ: Brian, are you married or  what?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're  what?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.

DJ: Thank  you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.

Brian:  Sarah.

DJ: Is Sarah at work, Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill  me.

DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?

Brian:  (laughing) Yes, she's at work.

DJ: Okay, first question - when was the  last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Brian!  Stay with me here!

Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.

DJ: Atta  boy, Brian.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...

DJ: Question #2 -  How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really  want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at  stake.

Brian: Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.

DJ: Okay. Final  question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian:  (laughing hard) I, ummm, I, well...

DJ: This sounds good, Brian. Where  was it at?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying  with us for a couple of weeks...

DJ: Uh h uh...

Brian: ....and the  Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.

DJ: Atta boy,  Brian.

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: Not that great?? That is  more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will  put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to  this.

(3 minutes of commercials follow)

DJ: Okay audience, let's  call Sarah, shall we?

(touch tones... ringing...)

Clerk:  Kinkos.

DJ: Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?

Clerk: This is  she.

DJ: Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now  and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.

Sarah:  (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while now. He is on the l ine  with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away! or you'll lose. Sooooooo...  do you know the rules of
Mate Match?

Sarah: No.

DJ:  Good!

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are  you up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be  completely honest.

DJ: Yeah yeah yeah. Sure.. Now, I will ask you 3  questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you  will be off to Orlando ,   Florida for 5 days on us. Disney  World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it  Sarah?

Sarah: (laughing) Yes.

DJ: Alright. When did you last have  sex, Sarah?

Sarah: Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to  work.

DJ: What time?

Sarah: Around 8 this morning.

DJ: Very  good. Next question. How long did ! it last?

Sarah: 12, 15 minutes  maybe.

DJ:! Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to  protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question  away from a trip to Florida . Are you ready?

Sarah:  (laughing) Yes.

DJ: Where did you have it?
Sarah: OH MY GOD,  BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?

Brian: Just tell him,  honey.

DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sarah?

Sarah: Well, it's  just that my mom is vacationing with us and...

DJ: Come on Sarah... where  did you have it?

Sarah: In the ass...

(long pause)

DJ:  Folks, we need to take a station  break

 


I hope they won the trip!!!!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: alb6401 on August 04, 2012, 03:08:44 AM
I dont know if they did redhatlover, but they should have in my book. I bet that was the talk of Chicago that whole week.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: RopeFiend on August 04, 2012, 07:54:00 AM
I know this is long winded but its funny if you go ahead and read it all.
WBAM _ Chicago

If you don't laugh at the end of  reading this then there's something wrong with you... Just imagine sitting in  traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in   Chicago . The DJs  play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate  Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously  involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes," he or she is then asked  3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the  name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner  answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One  particular game, however, several months ago made the Windy City drop to its knees with laughter and  is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went  down:

...

DJ: Come on Sarah... where  did you have it?

Sarah: In the ass...

(long pause)

DJ:  Folks, we need to take a station  break



I'm pretty sure this is Yet Another re-telling of the old Newlywed Game quote, which Snopes finally proved TRUE! a few years ago (much to the chagrin of Bob Eubanks, who didn't remember it.)

http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/newlywed.asp


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watasch on August 05, 2012, 02:35:51 PM
Found these on a site that sends me a "newsletter" on a frequent basis.  Had to share them with the crowd.  And for the ladies, there is one in here about a blonde guy..just to kind of even out the laughs.  Hope you all enjoy them as I did.

A friend told the blonde, "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked, "What if one grenade explodes before we get there?"
The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said, "Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replied, "Well, the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic.
Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.
"Here boy!" she replies.

A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond guy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".

(This one actually makes sense...lol)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: alb6401 on August 06, 2012, 04:23:17 AM
I know this is long winded but its funny if you go ahead and read it all.
WBAM _ Chicago

If you don't laugh at the end of  reading this then there's something wrong with you... Just imagine sitting in  traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in   Chicago . The DJs  play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate  Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously  involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes," he or she is then asked  3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the  name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner  answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One  particular game, however, several months ago made the Windy City drop to its knees with laughter and  is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went  down:

...

DJ: Come on Sarah... where  did you have it?

Sarah: In the ass...

(long pause)

DJ:  Folks, we need to take a station  break



I'm pretty sure this is Yet Another re-telling of the old Newlywed Game quote, which Snopes finally proved TRUE! a few years ago (much to the chagrin of Bob Eubanks, who didn't remember it.)

http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/newlywed.asp

I have seen that Newlywed game clip before. So yes it was real. I am not 100% sure the Chicago one is true guess I will have to try to find it. But still funny.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 09, 2012, 12:30:14 AM
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"

She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with
her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts.

Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"

The Huge Man answers: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."

The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?"

Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."

Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."

Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 09, 2012, 12:33:21 AM
A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.

The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."

"And?" prompted the doctor.

"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick. It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 09, 2012, 12:36:31 AM
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said,

"That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked,

"Kin ya swaller?"

Gasping, she shook her head no.

He asked, "Kin ya breathe?"

Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.

The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: alb6401 on August 09, 2012, 12:44:29 AM
Woo for Vinny. All us Texans know how to do that. hahahaha


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 09, 2012, 12:48:49 AM
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wish if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear.

One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.

The brunette goes first. "I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears.

The redhead goes up to try. "I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears.

The blonde goes up and begins... "I think--"

"POOF!" she disappears...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 09, 2012, 12:49:57 AM
Woo for Vinny. All us Texans know how to do that. hahahaha

Thanks for the woo... just knew there'd be some Texans about...!

vinney

 ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on August 09, 2012, 07:24:56 AM
I've got to give that hind-lick maneuver a try... ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on August 11, 2012, 04:11:43 PM
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on August 11, 2012, 04:12:47 PM
A janitor is cleaning the church, when suddenly the priest runs out if the confession booth.

He bumps into the janitor and tells him to cover for him because he had run to the bathroom.

Surprised, the janitor tells the priest that he doesn't know anything about confessions.

The priest hands him a sheet of paper and tells him to find the sin on the list and it will tell you how many Hail Mary's to give.

So the janotir goes in and then a lady goes in for her confession.

She says,"I'm cheating on my husband." The janitor thinks, says it's adultery and looks it up the the paper, that'll be two Hail Mary's

The lady says, "That's not all, I also slept with him." The janitor thinks again, says it's adultery and looks it up the the paper, that'll be two more Hail Mary's.

Then she says, "I also gave him a blowjob." The janitor looks on the paper and can't find the word "blowjob".

He gets nervous and runs out of the booth looking for help. He finally reaches a little alter boy and asks him, "What does the priest usually give for a blowjob?" The little alter boy looks at him and says, "Two candy's"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: RopeFiend on August 11, 2012, 07:41:06 PM
;) Here's the source for that "hind lick maneuver"

http://www.jhbenoit.com/smile/video/WHAT_HAPPENS_IF_YOU_CHOKE_IN_A_SOUTHERN_BAR.wmv

originally titled "The choke's on you.wmv" at twistedshorts, but they're long gone.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on August 12, 2012, 06:56:39 AM
A mother is tucking her little boy in one night. "Mom, where do babies come from?" He asks. Without missing a beat she answers "From the stork." Not satisfied, he asks "Who fucks the stork?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: alb6401 on August 12, 2012, 02:56:06 PM
What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Clinton Joke
Two new young interns are hired in the White House. They are walking down the hall when President Clinton sees them. The President walks up and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."





Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: alb6401 on August 12, 2012, 02:57:07 PM
A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,

"My husband's home! My husband's home!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: alb6401 on August 12, 2012, 02:59:53 PM
A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.

A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?"

He replies, "It died today."

"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied

The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.

The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday."

The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: alb6401 on August 12, 2012, 03:06:19 PM
The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class. But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger.

So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger. Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: alb6401 on August 12, 2012, 03:14:51 PM
One afternoon a man says to his wife, you, me and the dogs are going pig shooting. They pack the truck and head off. They get there late at night and the man says, we will head off at sunrise. The wife is tired and replies, I don't want to go in the morning. The husband is furious and replies, I will give you 3 options, you, me and the dog shoot, or you give me a blow job or we have anal sex. The wife isn't to pleased but realizes it's one or the other. They rise early in the morning and the husband says well, what's it to be. She isn't pleased but decides to give him a blow job. As soon as she starts she stops and says, your dick tastes like shit. He replies: "Yeh, the dog didn't want to go either"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: joan1984 on August 12, 2012, 03:16:00 PM
Love it, well done...

A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.

The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."

"And?" prompted the doctor.

"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick. It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on August 12, 2012, 08:52:09 PM
Man gets horny in the middle of the night. He rolls onto his side and whispers in his girl's ear "How about a roll in the hay?" "Not tonight.," She says. "I have a gynocologist appointment tomorrow morning." "Oh," He says, rolling onto his back. After a few moments he rolled back on his side and whispers "Do you have a dental appointment tomorrow?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Hoss on August 13, 2012, 07:27:56 AM
An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any
experience shoeing horses.
 

He said no, but he had once told a donkey to fuck off.
 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on August 13, 2012, 01:22:00 PM
Man is horny in the middle of the night. He rolls on his side and whispers in his girl's ear "How about a roll in the hay?" She opens her eyes. "Not tonight. I have a gynocolgist appointment tomorrow morning." "Oh," He says, rolling back on his back. She closes her eyes and starts to go back to sleep. He stares at the ceiling a few moments. Then he rolls on his side behind her once more. Her eyes open and go wide as he whispers "Do you have a proctologist appointment tomorrow?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on August 15, 2012, 03:24:34 PM
10 Best Pick Up Lines

Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special

My Love for you is like diarrahia ... I can't hold it in

Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

Are you a gardner, 'cos I want to put your tulips and my tulups together

You've got all the curves, and I got all the angles

I can't make a cherry pop, but I can make a bananna cream

If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole

Hey do you live on a chicken farm? 'cos you're really good at raising cocks


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on August 15, 2012, 04:42:10 PM
Hey, Coach. I dare you to go to a bar and try those out. ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watasch on August 15, 2012, 07:55:19 PM
Or send them to Match.com...I guess they are looking for some lame pickup lines for their commercials!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on August 16, 2012, 05:22:24 PM
Good In Bed

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 17, 2012, 02:04:12 AM
Here I sit in misty vapour in a shithouse with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger
watch out asshole here comes finger.

What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

Q. Why don't guys like to perform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!

Q. What does a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 17, 2012, 02:07:15 AM
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress.

After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 17, 2012, 02:11:24 AM
A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.

Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."

The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says, "I mount dead animals."

The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 17, 2012, 02:13:33 AM
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

"How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on August 17, 2012, 04:00:12 AM
I'd love to ask that gynocologist if it was worth it... ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 18, 2012, 01:27:39 AM
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 18, 2012, 01:32:23 AM
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor."

She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem."

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 18, 2012, 01:42:30 AM
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems”, Linda told her friend.

“That’s amazing!” Mary replied, “So have Tom and I. We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist”, said Linda.

“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!”, responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. “So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?”, Mary asked.

“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist.

After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,” he said.

“But doctor,” Mary complained, “you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?”

 “Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on August 18, 2012, 01:27:09 PM
Good ole uncle George. Glad he was there to save mom, lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 21, 2012, 12:49:03 AM
BBC NEWS

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54.

A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press,

“Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth”.

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, “I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don’t like cutting benefits but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 21, 2012, 12:51:53 AM
Frozen crabs, A Lawyer, And A Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded a Jetstar flight in Perth , with a box of frozen crabs and asked the blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.  She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.  He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in Sydney , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Perth, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ..... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 21, 2012, 12:56:12 AM
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
 
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
 
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
 
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
 
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?   So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.   Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
 
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
 
"Not everybody pays."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 21, 2012, 12:59:42 AM
Some Things You Don't Argue With
 
A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Oysters. Lobster. Champagne. The whole nine yards

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a fuck tonight."

I said, "Would you care for dessert?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on August 21, 2012, 05:13:20 AM
Why Don't you buy her a BMW and a house in Beverly Hills while you're at it?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Hoss on August 21, 2012, 06:30:50 AM
A nice story to start the day!
 
This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a
group of building workers.  It's allegedly true and might help to confirm
your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human
race....................

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot.  One day, a
gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and started talking with  the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.  They
chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled
her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a
pay envelope - containing two dollars in 10c coins.  The little girl took
her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the
bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little
girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she
had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and
Wayne and Mike.  We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier,  'And will you be working on the
house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment.  Then she  said seriously:

'I think so.  Provided those fucking wankers at Boral deliver the fucking
bricks on time.'


    



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on August 21, 2012, 07:26:05 AM
The fucking wankers better. :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on August 21, 2012, 11:27:35 AM
Ever The Opportunist

One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
 Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on August 21, 2012, 11:28:13 AM
Blonde Shampoo

A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.

On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.

Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Lois on August 21, 2012, 08:34:35 PM
(http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/5112571_460s.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on August 21, 2012, 08:46:34 PM

I've noticed jokes get repeated a lot here.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on August 21, 2012, 09:45:19 PM

I've noticed jokes get repeated a lot here.

Then post some new ones and make us laugh  ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on August 21, 2012, 09:57:53 PM
10 Signs You Might Be Trailor Trash

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on August 21, 2012, 10:00:36 PM
Toasted Blonde

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor askes her what had happened.

She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.

"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."

"The bastard called again"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 22, 2012, 01:09:06 PM
THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up
again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twot?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the
dwarf's head up the horse's bum, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on August 22, 2012, 05:59:28 PM
Why, didn't you enjoy the view? lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 24, 2012, 12:54:44 AM
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 24, 2012, 12:59:25 AM
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby doctor? What's wrong?"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman is confused. "A hermaphrodite..... what's that?"

The doctor replies, "Well, it means your baby has the.......er......features....of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh MY GOD! you mean it has a penis..... AND a brain.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 25, 2012, 01:03:32 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/480824_448559115166080_1489467194_n.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 25, 2012, 01:20:23 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/205328_448926288462696_1366416498_n.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 25, 2012, 11:17:21 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/419995_374108895993624_1501538395_n.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TPPM on August 26, 2012, 08:36:23 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/205328_448926288462696_1366416498_n.jpg)

Didn't work for Sadam.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on August 26, 2012, 07:34:33 PM
Kind of sacriligious.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on August 26, 2012, 11:20:48 PM
I'm out of this. This is between you and God now. :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Katiebee on August 26, 2012, 11:22:31 PM
What if She thinks it's funny, too?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Malsexie on August 27, 2012, 09:53:00 AM
Kind of sacriligious.

But very funny also


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on August 28, 2012, 12:22:08 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/255262_394156867315360_1205760255_n.jpg)

Sorry ladies...

 :-[

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Hoss on August 28, 2012, 07:36:32 AM
One of the best commercials I have seen for some time...most probably already on a thread somewhere on KB..but if you haven't seen it before. :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MK8Lr_HL3eY&feature=share

I believe that this book has become one of the "best sellers" of all times


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on August 30, 2012, 05:53:31 PM
 20 Ways to maintain your sanity

 
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera (or to the classical station on your radio).

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. Dress up like a pilot, go to the airport lounge and get drunk like hell.



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on August 31, 2012, 01:57:52 PM
 Politics Explained 

 
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on August 31, 2012, 05:42:37 PM
Yup, he understands politics. lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watasch on August 31, 2012, 07:55:12 PM
Sounds like this boy has a future in politics, or as a capitalist...depends on who he wishes to screw! 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TPPM on August 31, 2012, 09:01:51 PM
Politics Explained 

 
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."


You got it son.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on September 04, 2012, 03:40:43 PM
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome ... So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

“We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
 
He said: "Who the holy fuck did your hair?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on September 04, 2012, 07:50:09 PM
And hopefully the Pope liked her hair. :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on September 14, 2012, 04:17:18 PM
(http://77.247.181.97/big/h/e/l/hellmary/hellmary_014b9e.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on September 14, 2012, 04:31:57 PM
Vinney, you need to add the whole joke on this one

(http://i50.tinypic.com/raqnwk.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on September 14, 2012, 04:50:06 PM
Was jest testing ya...

 :roll:

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on September 14, 2012, 09:41:54 PM
Moaning

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that cheap secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"

Sadie questions: "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?" "No not yet."

Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when!"

He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for me to moan, Morris?" "Wait, I'll tell you when."

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"

"OY! You wouldn't BELIEVE what a day I had!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on September 14, 2012, 09:50:14 PM
Two gay guys are having sex. Some one rings the door bell and the fag says to his buddy dont cum till I get back.

Fag comes back and there is jizz all over the walls. He asks
why his buddy cummed every where. He says he didnt, he
farted.



A couple decided to have sex in their bunk bed. The guy notices his brother on the bottom bunk so they take the top.

He tells her if you want it in say 'tomato'. Want it out say 'lettuce'. If I'm about to cum I'll say 'pickle'. She agrees.
 
tomato

lettuce

tomato

lettuce

pickle.

The little brother yells:

'Guys! Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayonnaise all over me!'


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on September 27, 2012, 06:28:43 PM
Dead Pussy

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on September 27, 2012, 06:31:29 PM
Making Love To...

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.

A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.

And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on September 27, 2012, 06:34:46 PM
THE PERFECT DAY


The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap. 6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on September 27, 2012, 06:43:29 PM
16 years later

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on September 27, 2012, 06:46:04 PM
Newly wed couple

This newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex:

wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.

husband: we're married now, u can tell me anything.

wife: i'm flat chested.

husband: i don't believe u..prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.

husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.

wife: we're married now u can tell me anything.

husband: im "weighed like a baby".

wife: i don't believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.

wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!

husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on September 27, 2012, 09:01:54 PM
Great jokes, Tech_Guy! I guess tech isn't your only skill. ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on September 27, 2012, 09:34:28 PM
Thanks, I used to love reading them here when they were posted everyday...I will try to post at least a few a week if not everyday.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on September 27, 2012, 09:47:50 PM
If you post one or two a day that'd be great.*thumbs up*


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on September 28, 2012, 02:50:58 PM
Holiday Dinner

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.

She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on September 28, 2012, 02:53:52 PM
Top 10 slogans for viagra

10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"

9. "Here's the beef!"

8. "Get a piece of the rock"

7. "You've come a long way, baby"

6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"

5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman"

4. "Tastes great, more filling"

3. "Viagra, built ram tough"

2. "Just do her"

And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

1. "This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. "Any questions?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on September 28, 2012, 02:58:01 PM
A Rope and Two Knots

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.

"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on September 28, 2012, 03:01:41 PM
Doing It In The Dark

Claire was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they always have sex in the dark.

Hoping to rid him of his inhibitions, during a passionate evening she flipped on her reading lamp and was shocked to find a cucumber in his hand.

"Is this what you have been using on me for the past 8 years?" she exclaimed.

"Honey, let me explain…." he pleaded.

"You sneaky swine!" she screamed. "You impotent Son of a Bitch!"

"Speaking of sneaky!" he interjected, "Perhaps you'd care to explain our two children!!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on September 29, 2012, 12:56:41 AM
lol Great stuff! Pregnant by  cucumber, hehe. Loved the Viagra sloguns.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on September 29, 2012, 06:02:33 PM
Knickerless

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on September 29, 2012, 06:10:03 PM
Low Sperm Count

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on September 29, 2012, 06:13:31 PM
Lifetime Savings

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on September 30, 2012, 02:05:11 AM
lol Nope, it wasn't money... ;-) I wouldn't mind sticking my fingers in that blonde myself.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on September 30, 2012, 05:17:56 AM
I hear ya, GG!       :aol_cunniling:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on September 30, 2012, 07:09:59 PM
Check your Dirty IQ!

Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when
 engaged in my job. What am I?

Answers:

1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!

Now Really! Just what were you thinking?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on September 30, 2012, 07:12:43 PM
American Beer

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.

That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.

"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on September 30, 2012, 07:20:16 PM
Afternoon Quickie

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on September 30, 2012, 07:23:35 PM
Kneasels

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

"What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.. Smallcox?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on October 01, 2012, 05:25:11 AM
Hey, so he had Smallcox as a child. Drink some American beer. ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on October 03, 2012, 03:45:05 PM
Who's This Guy

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on October 03, 2012, 03:48:28 PM
Duct Tape

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on October 03, 2012, 03:51:13 PM
Flat Tummy

There was a small boy who was put to bed by his parents. The boy had a nightmare, and got out of bed to go to his parents room.

When he got there, he saw mommy bouncing up and down on daddy. When his dad noticed him in the doorway, the kid ran away.

The mother got off and got dressed quickly, and went to the boy's room. He was in his bed, and he asked, "Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?"

The mother replied, "Well, your father has noticed his belly getting bigger, and I was just trying to flatten his tummy for him by bouncing on it."

"Oh, that's what you were doing. But you're wasting your time mommy." The boy said.

"Oh, and why is that?" The mom asked.

"Because everyday when you leave for work, the neighbor lady comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on October 03, 2012, 11:05:13 PM
Kids say the darnedest things... :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on October 04, 2012, 06:33:58 AM
Yep!   ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: adori03 on October 05, 2012, 12:18:41 AM
Harsh Truth

A women is at the grocery store shopping for typical household goods, eggs, milk, anything one would need.
 
She gets to the register and as the cashier is checking her items, he looks at her and simply asks "you're single aren't you?"

She shyly smiles and replies "Yes I am. How did you know?"

the cashier responded "Cause you're really fucking ugly."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 06, 2012, 01:15:02 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/HzyJA.jpg) (http://imgur.com/HzyJA)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on October 07, 2012, 06:37:43 PM
Always Been a Doubt

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.

"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt."

His friend says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."

A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.

"While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt."

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.

Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.

"So did anything happen?"

"I have some bad news for you," says the friend.

"The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light."

"Then what happened?" says the man.

"I don't know. It was too dark to see."

"Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on October 07, 2012, 06:41:20 PM
Bus Driver's Parents

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on October 07, 2012, 06:47:38 PM
Three Mens Valuables

Three men are in a car which is about to crash. They all decided to throw out one valuable item.

The first person throws out a rock. The second throws out a pen. The third throws out a grenade.

Their car crashes and they survive the crash. Then, they all start walking back to get their valuable items.

The first man sees a little girl crying and asks her, "Little girl, why are you crying?" The little girl replies, "Someone threw a rock at me!"

The second guy sees a little boy crying and asks him, "Little boy, why are you crying?" The little boy replies, "Someone threw a pen at me and poked me in the eye!"

The third guy sees a fat kid laughing really hard and so he asks him, "Hey kid, why are you laughing so hard?" The fat kid replies, "I farted and my house blew up."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on October 07, 2012, 06:52:57 PM
Restricted Fishing

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on October 07, 2012, 07:40:29 PM
lol That was some fart! Good thing he didn't blow up the bus... ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on October 12, 2012, 01:53:39 AM
Southern Comments


Exclamations:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."

A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."

Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on October 12, 2012, 01:57:57 AM
Redneck At The Bar

A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in.

With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly.

He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti.

He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.

The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"

The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on October 12, 2012, 02:01:50 AM
Redneck Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on October 12, 2012, 02:09:40 AM
Father and Son


One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire.

His father said, 'Son, where are you going?'

The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.'

The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.'

But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing.

Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.'

The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape.

The father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.'

The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!'

The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm.

The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!'

The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!'


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on October 12, 2012, 02:13:59 AM
Great jokes!!! I haven't stopped laughing from the first one!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: redhatlover on October 12, 2012, 03:16:40 PM
Another Southern threat:

:I'm gonna slap you so hard yo eyes gonna be on the same side of yo face!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 12, 2012, 03:31:16 PM
What about...

'I'll knock your teeth so far down your throat you'll have to stick your toothbrush up your arse to clean them...?

 :o

Good ol' English saying...

vinney

 ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Malsexie on October 13, 2012, 08:39:00 AM
Aussie sayings

Flash as a Rat with a gold tooth (Smart arse)

Few kangaroos loose in the top paddock (Crazy)



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on October 17, 2012, 05:20:02 PM
You Know You Are A Blonde If...........

You know you are a blond if you're pubic hair is a wild rabbit in the Outback.

You know you are a blond if you believe "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird.

You know you are a blond if you think a G-string is part of a violin.

You know you are a blond if you think Anus is the Latin word for yearly.

You know you are a blond if you believe Testicles are found on an octopus.

You know you are a blond if you think an umbilical cord is part of a parachute.

You know you are a blond if you believe a diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.

You know you are a blond if you're think lesbian is a person from the Middle East.

You know you are a blond if you think Sodomy is a special kind of fast growing grass.

You know you are a blond if you believe Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.

You know you are a blond if you think Douche is the Italian word for twelve.

You know you are a blond if you think An enema is someone who is not your friend.

You know you are a blond if you believe Menopause is a button on the VHS remote control.



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: redhatlover on October 17, 2012, 05:36:06 PM
You know, with friends like these, who needs enemas?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on October 17, 2012, 06:17:44 PM

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
155
A Man At The Beach

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on October 17, 2012, 06:23:56 PM

 
 
 
 
10 Things Not To Tell Your Girlfriend



10. Come on, who's gonna find out?

9. I promise you wont choke.

8. Can I get you in the pooper?

7. Trust me, I'm a professional.

6. Well, your sister likes it like that.

5. Wow look at the ass on her!

4. Now why cant your boobs be that big?

3. I gotta poop.

2. Oh you forgot to shave today too?

1. I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on October 17, 2012, 06:26:35 PM
11. I promise I'll pull out.

12. I won't cum in your mouth


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Katiebee on October 17, 2012, 06:31:05 PM
Southern Comments
Here are a couple from Texas.


BAD IDEA
"That dog won't hunt."

FULL OF BLUSTER WITHOUT SUBSTANCE

"He's all hat, no cattle."

One of my Dad's, not necessarily southern, mostly military.

Serious correction effort.
"He needs some wall-to-wall counseling"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on October 17, 2012, 08:47:29 PM
lol Some really funny ones today, thanks, everyone who contributed!!!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 18, 2012, 12:51:53 AM
Teacher:
If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
         
Johnny:
Seven,  Sir
       
Teacher:
No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny:
Seven

Teacher:
Let me put it to you differently.  If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny:
Six.
         
Teacher:
Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
         
Johnny:
Seven!!!
         
A very angry Teacher:
Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
         
A very angry Johnny:
Because...I've already got a fucking cat!!!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on October 18, 2012, 05:52:52 AM
Can never have to much pussy can ya? LOL

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on October 18, 2012, 01:37:48 PM
Did you hear about the blonde that...

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms. 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on October 18, 2012, 04:04:37 PM
lol Love the blonde jokes! Thanks, TD!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: redhatlover on October 18, 2012, 04:32:04 PM
Did you hear about the blonde that...

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.


And she couldn't do the math either!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on October 18, 2012, 04:58:20 PM
There was an old Irish mick
whose cum was exceedingly thick
He could squeeze it out
And spray it about
But it stuck to the end of his dick.

There was a man from Capri
Who tried to piss over a tree
The tree was too high
And it fell in his eye
And now the poor bugger can't see.

There was a young whore from Kilkenny,
Who charged two fucks for a penny,
For half of that sum,
You could bugger her bum,
An economy practised by many

There once was a whore on the dock
From dusk until dawn she sucked cock
'Til one day it's said
She gave so much head
She exploded and whitewashed the block


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on October 18, 2012, 05:04:14 PM
Just Plain Dumb
 
A blonde and a redhead were sitting together having drinks, when the blonde noticed a man walking towards them with an arm full of long stem red roses. The blonde says to the redhead, "isn't that your husband coming carrying all those roses?"

The redhead says, yes it is.

The blonde responds by saying, "Oh you are so lucky".

The redhead says, "No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole week-end flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart."

The blonde says, "Oh my, don't you have a vase to put them in"?
 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on October 18, 2012, 05:08:51 PM
 :emot_laughing:



Yup....She ain't too bright....Good one...

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 18, 2012, 05:40:54 PM
Just Plain Dumb
 
A blonde and a redhead were sitting together having drinks, when the blonde noticed a man walking towards them with an arm full of long stem red roses. The blonde says to the redhead, "isn't that your husband coming carrying all those roses?"

The redhead says, yes it is.

The blonde responds by saying, "Oh you are so lucky".

The redhead says, "No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole week-end flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart."

The blonde says, "Oh my, don't you have a vase to put them in"?
 


Brilliant...!

 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watasch on October 18, 2012, 08:01:33 PM
At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for other people.

Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service
City/County Public Service
Public Service Employees
Immigration Service 
Dept Health & Human Services
Forest Service
Natl Park Service
Natural Resources Conservation Service

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.

WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 19, 2012, 12:41:59 AM
Try this if you've heard of the book Fifty Shades of grey:


The missus bought a paperback
 
 down Mumbles, Saturday

 I had a look into her bag
 
 'Twas Fifty Shades of Grey.
 

 Well I just left her to it

 At ten I went to bed,

 And one hour later she appeared -
 
The sight filled me with dread....
 

 In her left hand she held a rope,
 
 And in her right a whip!
 
 She threw them down upon the floor

 And then began to strip.
 

 Well, fifty years or so ago
 
 I might have had a peek,

 But Doris hasn't weathered well,
 
 She's eighty-four next week.
 
 
 Watching Doris bump and grind
 
Could not have been much grimmer,
 
Then things went from bad to worse
 
She toppled off her Zimmer!
 

 She struggled back upon her feet
 
 A couple of minutes later,
 
 She put her teeth back in and said
 
 That I must dominate her!
 
 
Now if you knew our Doris
 
 You'd see just why I spluttered,
 
 I'd spent two months in traction
 
 From our last mad sex, I muttered.
 

She stood there nude, all naked like,
 
 Bent forward just a bit...
 
 So I thought - what the hell - stepped forward
 
 And stood on her left tit!
 

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
 
 My God, what had I done?
 
 She moaned and groaned then shouted out

 "Step on the other one!!"
 
 
 Well readers, I can't tell no more

'Bout what occurred that day...
 
Suffice to stay, my jet black hair
 
Turned "Fifty Shades of Grey!"
 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on October 19, 2012, 09:35:10 AM
Great ones!!! Fifty Shades Of Grey was insane, loved the limericks, the blonde in the bar, all good stuff.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on October 19, 2012, 03:12:22 PM
Hey, sorry I have neglected my joke posting. I have been traveling back and forth between the east and west coasts the last 2 weeks and have some serious jet lag...lol

Here is a couple for today......


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on October 19, 2012, 03:13:15 PM
Only three doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on October 19, 2012, 03:16:00 PM
Did you hear about the blonde that...

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on October 19, 2012, 03:18:25 PM
Even More Blonde Q and A

Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY ABOUT BLONDE JOKES? A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.

Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!

Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde? A: 3 feet tall, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on October 19, 2012, 03:22:51 PM
Is This Jimmy Hoffa

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft.

They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on October 19, 2012, 07:40:18 PM
Loved the Only Three Doors joke, and the Blonde Q&A. Hilarious!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 20, 2012, 12:17:32 AM
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'..

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. He stands up and falls flat on his face.
'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !'
 
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'B'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.
 
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.
 
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?' 

Paddy says, 'To be sure I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Katiebee on October 20, 2012, 12:56:13 AM
No irishman is truly drunk so long as he has the ability to hold onto a singl blade of grass to keep from being thrown from the face of the earth.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on October 20, 2012, 05:00:22 PM
Wow, the ol' boy was determined to get home, lol! Loved that one, thanks, Vinney!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watasch on October 20, 2012, 06:05:34 PM
I was all primed to add a couple more jokes but in deference to the drunk...I will simply pay my respects!  A good laugh!! :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Hoss on October 22, 2012, 04:56:13 AM
Sensitivity test for men
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Centre.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

 :sign_yeahriight:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 24, 2012, 01:10:05 AM
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother has just lost her part-time job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day, the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait, because she was coming too. I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 24, 2012, 01:11:40 AM
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients, and felt guilty about it all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But, every once in a while, he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

Invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: "But Dave.....you're a vet."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 24, 2012, 01:14:53 AM
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 24, 2012, 01:23:20 AM
Doctor, doctor, please kiss me," says the patient.
"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.

Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."
"No, I'm sorry, I just can't" he says.

Five minutes later, she asks again: "Please, please kiss me!"
"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 24, 2012, 01:32:35 AM
A fireman and his wife were bored with their sex life so he tried to liven it f up by incorporating the bell system that was used at work. At the firehouse when the first bell rings, everyone runs to the trucks; on the second bell, they gear up; and : on the third bell they jump on the trucks and head for the fire.

So he went home and told his wife: "I've got this great idea to spice up our sex life. We're gonna use the bell system. When I shout "bell one", you run into the bedroom; when I shout "bell two", you take off your clothes; and when I call "bell three", you jump on the bed ; and we make passionate love."

The next evening he got home from work and immediately shouted "bell one". His wife ran into the bedroom. Then he called out "bell two" and she took off her clothes. Then he yelled "bell three" and the pair leaped on the bed together and started making love. But no sooner had they started than she suddenly cried: "Bell four, bell four!"

"What the hell's bell four?" he gasped.

"More hose! More hose! You're nowhere near the fire!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 24, 2012, 01:36:20 AM
If men got pregnant:  

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem

Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay
 
Children would be kept in hospital until toilet trained

Natural childbirth would become obsolete

All methods of birth control would be 100 per cent effective

Men would be eager to talk about commitment

There would be a cure for stretch marks

They'd serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes

Men wouldn't think twins were so cute

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10 p.m.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on October 24, 2012, 10:00:34 AM
Vinney, you were on a role there, lol! Great jokes, loved the Irish toast and fireman jokes.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on October 29, 2012, 01:20:50 PM
Two Blonde Men

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and
said, "I've got to take a shit."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The
other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea--
I'll use that!"
He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to
you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3
quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on October 29, 2012, 02:33:29 PM
They Grow Them Big In Texas

A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city"
outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young
woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm
from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can
do for you?"
"No, ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted
his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four
inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor,
ma'am?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: redhatlover on October 29, 2012, 03:25:23 PM
A fireman and his wife were bored with their sex life so he tried to liven it f up by incorporating the bell system that was used at work. At the firehouse when the first bell rings, everyone runs to the trucks; on the second bell, they gear up; and : on the third bell they jump on the trucks and head for the fire.

So he went home and told his wife: "I've got this great idea to spice up our sex life. We're gonna use the bell system. When I shout "bell one", you run into the bedroom; when I shout "bell two", you take off your clothes; and when I call "bell three", you jump on the bed ; and we make passionate love."

The next evening he got home from work and immediately shouted "bell one". His wife ran into the bedroom. Then he called out "bell two" and she took off her clothes. Then he yelled "bell three" and the pair leaped on the bed together and started making love. But no sooner had they started than she suddenly cried: "Bell four, bell four!"

"What the hell's bell four?" he gasped.

"More hose! More hose! You're nowhere near the fire!"

This is the funniest one I have read in a long time!  WOO!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on October 30, 2012, 01:11:43 AM
Heeheehee Four inches from the floor, good one, TD!!! ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 30, 2012, 01:14:12 AM
Heeheehee Four inches from the floor, good one, TD!!! ;-)

Good job he hadn't got the hard on... otherwise he'd have been catapulted right up... through the ceiling...

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 30, 2012, 01:38:13 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/n6afl.jpg) (http://imgur.com/n6afl)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 30, 2012, 02:00:40 AM
Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.

That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep.

In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says, "I dreamt I had the best wank last night."

The guy on the left side says, "That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".

The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 30, 2012, 02:03:16 AM
A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him.

He asks what is the matter.

She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?"

Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work.

When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again.

Asking her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 30, 2012, 02:05:30 AM
A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.

"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.

"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.

"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.

He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in.

The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.

"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.

The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 30, 2012, 02:12:14 AM
TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following
is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6
times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the
ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had
to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you
because I felt you move.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the
balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it
all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a
dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,
etc.on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in
the ceiling, what I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on October 30, 2012, 03:31:35 PM
HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING
   
 A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores." 
 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: redhatlover on October 30, 2012, 03:43:16 PM
TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following
is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6
times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the
ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had
to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you
because I felt you move.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the
balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it
all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a
dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,
etc.on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in
the ceiling, what I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.


Was the 36 times he got it the 36 times he was not at home?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 30, 2012, 10:35:32 PM
You got it in one RHL... leastways he got it in 36 times when he was not at home... dirty lucky bastard...!

 :emot_laughing:

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 31, 2012, 02:54:55 AM
Why People Hate To Attend High School Reunions

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York ’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 31, 2012, 02:56:42 AM
A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip.

An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, "I've just been molested!"

The driver feels that maybe she fell asleep and had a dream.. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thinks he must have a busload of old wackos, who would want to molest these old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she's been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he's had enough and pulls into the first rest area.

When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

"Hey gramps, what do you think you're doing down there?" says the driver.

"I've lost my toupee! I thought I'd found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on October 31, 2012, 03:07:24 AM
Subject: Fw: The Scottish Lodger

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
 
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
 
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
 
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she  said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
 
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.
 
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
 
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" * 
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
 
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough  before."

"I know," he said, "but the fucking dart team hadn't!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on November 01, 2012, 03:14:58 PM
IN TOO FAR

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on November 01, 2012, 03:17:00 PM
AN ODE TO ORAL SEX

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head

Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee

It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly

But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees

You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through

Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl

Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run

Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar

And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat

Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enough

Let's switch you say, before you gag
And whats your revenge, your on the rag.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on November 01, 2012, 03:19:58 PM
CHRISTMAS EVE

A man is about to jump off London Bridge when he hears a voice behind him. It's Santa Claus. "Why do this? It's Christmas Eve?" Santa says. "Because I've lost my job, " the man answered, " my wife has left me, and I have no presents for the kids." "Ah, I can grant you 3 wishes, " replied Santa, "So when you get up tomorrow your job will be there, your wife will be waiting for you, and there'll be presents for the children." "Oh Santa - however can I repay you?" gasped the man. "Well - not a lot of people know this, " came the reply, "But old Santa is gay, you could bend over for me, the elves aren't much good at it." "Dunno 'bout that, " the man said. "Oh, go on, " Santa urged, "After all - I granted you 3 wishes, don't be so ungrateful." "Ok, " the man sighed, as he unzipped his trousers. Santa did the biz and when he finished the man pulled his trousers back up. Santa looks at the man and asks "How old are you?" "47, " came the reply. "What? And you still believe in Santa Claus?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on November 01, 2012, 03:23:55 PM
A GIRLS FIRST TIME

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

Naughty, Naughty!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on November 01, 2012, 04:05:16 PM
(http://upload.lushstories.com/225-The_368c8a_178114.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on November 02, 2012, 03:20:56 AM
Beware of skiers and horses, got it!
;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: smugdingus on November 02, 2012, 04:15:52 AM
A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."
...


The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one..."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on November 02, 2012, 04:31:49 AM
Good jokes, TG!
Loved the Second Coming also.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: staci on November 02, 2012, 10:22:33 PM
> A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
> coffee
> each morning.
>
> The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
> don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
>
> The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you
> should
> do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
>
> Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
> the man should do the coffee.'
>
> Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
>
> So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
> the
> top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'
>
>
> God may have created man before woman,
> but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece..


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: staci on November 02, 2012, 10:34:03 PM
> A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
>
> An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
> concede their position.
>
> As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
> sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
>
> 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws''


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on November 06, 2012, 04:44:30 PM
PSYCHIATRIST OBSERVATIONS

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on November 06, 2012, 04:47:16 PM
FIGHTING NUNS

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on November 06, 2012, 04:53:35 PM
LIKE A BULLDOG

A man and his son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"

"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.

The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah" said the son.

"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.

His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on November 06, 2012, 04:56:04 PM
SEX FOR FOOD

There once was three guys who didn't have any money. or any food.

They had been stealing food for the past couple of days and still wern't satiafied.

One guy finally said ,"Wouldn't it be better to ask for food instead of stealing it ?"

They all agreed so one day they went up to this house and rang the door bell . An old lady answered .

They asked her for food . She said she would only give them food if they slept with her .

The first guy refused and so did the second, but the third guy was so hungry that he agreed.

She took him into her barn and said to get started.

He said he wanted to blindfold her and she agreed because she was so desperate.

Once blindfolded he took a piece of corn and started fucking her with it. He threw that piece of corn out the barn window and took another piece of corn and started fucking her with that one.

Afterwards she fed him like she said she would and he left .

The two other guys told him they couldn't believe he had done that for food, especially since they had found free corn around the side of the barn.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: coacheric on November 06, 2012, 04:56:20 PM
Good jokes Tech WOO


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on November 07, 2012, 02:54:43 AM
Thanks coach!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watasch on November 07, 2012, 02:17:05 PM
     Man walks into a bar, puts a wad of cash on the bar and tells the bartender to set up a series of shots with the money he has available.  "I am celebrating" he simply says.
     The bartender quickly counts the money and sets up 6 shots of whiskey then asks, "What are you celebrating?"
     Man replies, "My first blow job."
     Bartender says, "Let me pour you another shot, on the house!"
     Man replies, "If 6 shots won't get the taste out of my mouth I doubt the 7th will."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: staci on November 07, 2012, 02:51:22 PM
lol, it's an "aquired" taste.
Thanks for a forehead slapper so early.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on November 08, 2012, 03:11:20 AM
Yeah, TG, you've got some really funny ones!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on November 08, 2012, 06:10:07 PM
Subject: WRONG ANSWER

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- silence - -

HUSBAND:
Fuck....


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on November 09, 2012, 07:21:55 AM
lol This is why some guys get into so much trouble! :P Reminds me of the root beer commercial where the husband is watching his Bachelor party video and the Announcer calls him Thick-Headed. ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Dgan on November 14, 2012, 01:48:58 AM
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something
from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he is expected to make a full recovery.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Dgan on November 14, 2012, 01:53:35 AM
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer:

An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel
driving a German car with a Dutch engine driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles
treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology and you're
probably reading this on your computer  that uses Taiwanese chips, and a
Korean monitor assembled by Bangladeshi workers  in a Singapore plant
transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on November 14, 2012, 04:56:25 AM
Hey, if that wife can't take a little ribbing from her husband then she shouldn't be giving it herself. :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watcher1 on November 16, 2012, 02:59:23 PM
NO dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. 

However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin was the clear winner. 

His  final challenge  was this:  Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer:  "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.  And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes  and it entitled him to receive an invitation to dine with the Queen, who decided to call him after the contest.  He won a trip to travel around the world in style and a case of 25 year old Eldorado rum for his answer.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: tangent69 on November 16, 2012, 03:51:48 PM
Sorry if this has been posted before -

Little Tommy wakes one night and hears strange noises from down the hall way.  He quietly goes to see and pushes his parent's bedroom door open.

He sees his Dad on top of his Mum, giving her a damn good seeing to!
"DADDY!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MUMMY!!!!" he shouts
His Dad just laughs and throws a pillow at him and says "Go back to bed Timmy"

A little while later, Timmy's Dad hears strange noises, and goes to investigate.  He sees a light on in the guest room where his Mum is sleeping, and pushes the door open.....

He sees Timmy on top of his Grandmother humping away at her!

"TIMMY?!!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO GRANDMA!!!!" says Timmy's Dad, looking horrified.

"AHHH NOT SO FUCKING FUNNY WHEN IT'S YOUR MOTHER IS IT!!!" says Timmy  :D


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on November 17, 2012, 02:49:40 AM
ROTFL You go, Timmy!!!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on November 23, 2012, 12:56:07 AM
IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR AGAIN AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO . .

I have emailed my tax return but it was rejected by Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs and I’m totally baffled because HRMC is now querying my list of dependents.

Perhaps it was because of my response to the question:"List all dependents"
to which I replied:

“2.5 million unemployed;
1.0 million illegal immigrants;
Approximately 1.5 million drug dealers;
Over 88,000 people in overcrowded prisons;
6 million public-sector employees;
87 useless and conniving MEP’s and their 1,200 associated administrators;
650 thieving members of Parliament;
650 parasitic Lords and a totally ineffectual PM who has 100+ aides and advisors;
not to mention the Deputy PM and his retinue . . .”

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I keep asking myself, 'WHO THE HELL DID I LEAVE OUT?'

I’m really becoming forgetful in my old age . . . !
 
 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on November 23, 2012, 12:59:16 AM
Two businessmen in the centre of Perth were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other,

"I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window
and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, “Must be doing well...  Only two left."
 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on November 23, 2012, 07:25:23 PM
THE CREATION OF A PUSSY

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within,

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,

Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on November 23, 2012, 07:27:39 PM
DYING BEAVER

Little Johnny was taking a shower with his grandma.

He casually asked,"Grandma whats that?" She quickly replied, "That's my beaver". Little Johnny didnt say another word.

Two days later he was taking a shower with his mom. Little Johnny asked,"Mommy whats that?" She replied, "Well Johnny thats my beaver."

Little Johnny thought for a bit and said,"Well grandmas beaver must be dying her tongues hanging out!!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on November 23, 2012, 07:32:58 PM
DEFINITELY

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on November 23, 2012, 07:44:50 PM
THE THREE TASKS

A guy, short of money asked a man what he could do to earn some.

The man replied "I'll give you $1000 if you do three tasks."

You need to knock out a wrestler, pull a loose tooth out of a dingo's mouth and screw an old lady.

So the guy quickly runs up to the wrestler and punches him out.

He then leaps into the bushes after the dingo. Several minutes go buy and he is heard rolling around and moaning before finally emerging triumphant.

He then turns to the man and says "Where's this old lady so I can pull her tooth out and get paid"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on November 24, 2012, 04:19:48 AM
Great stuff, TG! I'm still laughing!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Gina Marie on November 24, 2012, 05:36:49 AM
http://instantrimshot.com/classic/?sound=crickets


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Athos131 on November 24, 2012, 05:50:44 AM
http://instantrimshot.com/classic/?sound=crickets

That definitely goes into the act.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on November 24, 2012, 11:53:56 AM
LOL, that little Johnny is such a naughty boy!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on November 24, 2012, 09:34:08 PM
THE FLIP SIDE TO DATING:


http://screen.yahoo.com/flip-side-dating-000000612.html


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: smugdingus on November 30, 2012, 08:22:25 AM
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local

Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on November 30, 2012, 11:41:38 AM
Gotta love a naughty nun... ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on November 30, 2012, 03:40:14 PM
I don't know if this Joke has been posted before but I liked it.

Dirty Joke about Little Billy

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortise had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on November 30, 2012, 03:48:48 PM
In the Garden of Eden,
as everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
without any clothes.

In this garden,
were two little leaves,
one covered Adam's,
one covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
the wind came along,
and blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
started to rise.

They found a spot,
that suited them best,
a nice big tree,
where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
and wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
and filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
and now it is time,
for me and you.

So pull down your pants,
and lay in the grass,
because I'm in the mood,
for a piece of that ASS!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on November 30, 2012, 11:18:31 PM
Janus...!   :emot_laughing:

Great posts... had me laughing all the way...  :emot_laughing:

vinney...  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on December 01, 2012, 01:33:49 AM
Hey, Janus, i had come across part of that poem years ago but never heard the whole thing, thanks!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on December 01, 2012, 05:16:25 AM
Thanks guys. I know it's a little long but I thought it was quite funny. Glad you liked it.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on December 01, 2012, 06:33:11 AM
That was a good one, Janus.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on December 01, 2012, 11:59:16 AM
Old People Football

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on December 01, 2012, 12:00:27 PM
Old Penis Poem

My nookie days are over
 My pilot light is out
 What used to be my sex appeal
 Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord
 From my trousers it would spring
 But now I've got a full-time job
 To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing
 The way it would behave
 For every single morning
 It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches
 It sure gives me the blues
 To see it hang its little head
 And watch me tie my shoes.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on December 01, 2012, 02:41:53 PM
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on December 01, 2012, 02:45:19 PM
1, 2, 3 uh

One night these two midget brothers walk into a bar and one says "Man I'm tired of screwing midget girls lets screw real women." So the other guy agreed.

5 minutes later two blonde's walk into the bar and sit by the two midgets.

So the four of them get talking and the midgets ask if they want to come to there hotel rooms and stay the night and have sex.

So the two blonde's decide to go.

In the first room the blonde and the midget were getting it on when the midget says "Oh baby, I'm sorry this has never happened before, but I can't get hard"

So they give up and lay down to go asleep. But through the wall from the second room they hear "1, 2, 3 uh 1, 2, 3 uh", which keeps up all night long.

So the next day after the blonde's leave the brothers meet each other again and discuss how there night went.

The first midget says "Oh, my night was terrible. I just couldn't get hard."

The second midget replies "Mine was worse than that"

"What do you mean" said the first guy. "I heard you going "1, 2, 3 uh all night long".

To which the second guy replies "Yeah! I couldn't get on the damn bed"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on December 02, 2012, 03:25:14 AM
Funny, funny stuff!!!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on December 03, 2012, 12:49:40 AM
And they say the Scottish are tight...

A  man in Scotland calls his son in  London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother  and I  are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is  enough."

'Dad,  what are you talking about?' the son  screams.

"We  can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the  father says."We're  sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this,  so you call your  sister in Leeds and  tell her."

Franticly,  the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.  "Like hell they're  getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of  this!"

She  calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father "You are  NOT getting  divorced.  Don't do a single thing until I get  there. I'm calling my brother  back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,  don't do a thing, DO  YOU HEAR ME?" and she hangs up.
 
The old man  hangs up his phone and turns to his wife:

'Sorted!  They're both coming  for Christmas - and they're paying their own  way.’


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watcher1 on December 06, 2012, 03:38:25 PM


Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
phases.

In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
 
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
 
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'   


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on December 06, 2012, 04:08:26 PM
Hehe, good one watcher, thanks for sharing.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: licksnkissez on December 06, 2012, 07:31:52 PM
Funny stuff watcher!   :emot_kiss:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on December 06, 2012, 08:30:19 PM
Watcher...! Great one...! Least it used to be in the early 20s and 30s...!

 :emot_laughing:

vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on December 06, 2012, 11:19:00 PM
The battle of the sexes gets a bit rough at times, lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Hoss on December 07, 2012, 04:09:44 AM
Short & Sharp...just to fill in a Friday afternoon...


Short…sharp….just to pass a Friday afternoon…..


Irish newlyweds  turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist  asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . . .I'm a bit  worried about taking it up the arse!!!"


Woman goes to the  Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".
Doctor says "Pop your  knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies  3 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel?" he asks.
"  Lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"

 
Went  out last night dressed to kill . . . . . . . . . Beard, sandals, turban and  backpack.


Little  boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play  as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time  you'll get a speaking part!!"



Two  Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The  prices are reasonable too."
Mick  agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman  turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick  "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived  yesterday!!"

 
Give  it here"
"No,  it's mine"
"Let me have it"
"It’s  my turn!"
"You  had it last"
"Fuck  off!!"
"Come on gimme it"
"No  way!"
"But  it's my go!!!"

.  . . . . . .Siamese twins having a wank

 
 
The  police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife. They  said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!". They said "I'm  afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident". I said "I know but she  has a lovely personality!"


Teacher  asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Ron says "The  measles are contagious".
Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's  contagious"
Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a  2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious!!"


Lost  my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to  the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing. 

 
Man  walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men  with really small dicks?"
Girl  says "I don’t think it’s in yet"
He  replies "Yeah, that’s the  one!!!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: joan1984 on December 07, 2012, 04:39:19 AM
Funny funny stuff, Hoss, woo!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on December 07, 2012, 05:35:49 AM
Heehee We Irish are not that dumb! :P some good stuff there, thanks for the laughs.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Malsexie on December 07, 2012, 09:29:56 AM
THUMB SUCKER

There was a mother who had a daughter, Mary, who always sucked her thumb. Upset by this, Mary’s mother told her that if she continued to suck her thumb, her body would swell up.

Frightened, Mary stopped sucking her thumb. One day Mary and her mother were crossing the street and Mary saw a prostitute with big breasts.

Mary pulled away from her mother, and walked up to the prostitute and said, "Lady, I know what you’ve been sucking"

TRESPASS

There are these two blokes who are trespassing on a farmer’s land.  The farmer sees them hiding in his orchard and comes out of the farm house.

He catches the trespassers and tells them they must gather 100 of any fruit they like.

One trespasser gets 100 strawberries. The farmer then tells him to cram them all up his arse.

After about 50 he starts to laugh and the farmer asks why.  He replies, “Oh, nothing,” but at 75 he just breaks out in hysterics.

Finally he tells the farmer that his friend is picking watermelons.

TRIBAL TORTURE

Three fellows were on a safari in Africa when they were captured by a ferocious tribe.

The chief took his captives to his village and told them they have two choices, poomba or death.

The first man replied poomba and the entire tribe fucked him up the arse and sent him on his way.

The second man thought for a minute and then replied poomba. The entire tribe then fucked him up the arse and sent him on his way.

The third man said, “ Fuck that, I’m no queer, I’ll choose death.

The chief then replied,  “You chose death, then so be it… death by poomba!”

IN THE FAMILY

A teenage couple had been going steady for some time, and were getting really horny. However, every time they tried to fuck, they were discovered or interrupted.

So the boy tells the girl, “This Friday, I’ll borrow my Dad’s car, and we’ll go somewhere alone." The girl agrees.

Friday eventually rolls around, and the girl receives a phone call from her boyfriend, saying he can’t get the car.  She tells him she will get her Dad’s car.

She goes to her dad and says, "Dad, can I borrow the car tonight?"

He says to her, "Well, I just got the tyres rotated, and I wax it myself..."

The girl pleads, "Please!! I’ll do anything!!"

The Dad smiles, "Anything?" he says.

The girl shakes her head, "No Dad, anything but that,” she says. Her Dad says, "OK, if you don’t want the car..."

The girl sighs and says, " oh, alright, I’ll do it."

The dad stands up, unzips his pants, and his daughter proceeds to give him a blow-job.  After a moment she stops and spits on the ground, "Dad, your cock tastes like shit!!"

The dad says, "Oh yeah, your brother borrowed the car this morning.”


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Malsexie on December 07, 2012, 09:31:28 AM
PIG MASSAGE

This fellow arrives in from the outback after a long year on a cattle station and is eager to get his end in,  but with all his money spent on beer he only has 10 dollars left.

He wanders into the local massage parlour and asks the madam what he can  get for 10 dollars. The madam shakes her head but feeling sorry for the bloke tells him to go to the end of the passage and go into the last room on the right.

The fellow does this and on entering the room finds a dirty old pig lying in the corner. He figures, “What the hell,  I’ve paid my 10 dollars and I’m still as horny as hell,” so he starts to screw the living shit out of the pig.

The next week he gets his bonus cheque and, having such a good time the last week, heads back to the massage parlour and asks the madam what he can get for 30 dollars.

She tells him to go down the corridor and go into the second last door on the right. He does this, and on entering the room finds thirty blokes watching a live act between a couple and a                blow up doll through a window. He’s paid his money so he sits down and says to the fellow next to him "Shit mate, this is a bit of alright."

"Fair Dinkum" the fellow replies "This is nothing, mate. You should have been here last week, there was a desperate bastard screwing a pig!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Malsexie on December 07, 2012, 09:32:39 AM
ZIPPED

At a remote bus stop, a group of people are waiting. Finally, the bus arrives and the first person in line (a woman) attempts to get on, however, her tight skirt won’t allow her enough flexibility to step up onto the bus, so she reaches for the zipper in the  back and loosens it a little.

 She tries to get on again, but she still can’t, so she reaches back             and loosens it some more, but she STILL can’t, so she reaches for her zipper for a third time when the man standing behind her grabs her by her waist and throws her onto the bus.

The woman begins to scream and tells the man that he had no right grabbing her in that way.

The man then replies, "Jeez lady, after you undid my fly three times, I thought we were on pretty good terms."

HOT BREATH

A man walk into the a bar and orders a drink. He gets his drink and a woman approaches him and says, "You see those fucking hot girls sitting in the corner over  there," the man nods, she continues, "would you like to smell their pussies?”

The man says "Yes."

The woman blows right in the mans face and says, “ That’s what their pussies smell like.”






DESPERATELY SEEKING

 One day a lady puts a singles advertisement in the newspaper saying that she wanted a man who wasn’t going to put his hands all over her, or chase after her all of the time, but was a good lover.

A couple of days later she is  just sitting around doing nothing, and her doorbell rings. She answers the doorbell and sitting there in a wheel chair is a man with no arms and no legs.

The lady asks politely,  "How can I help you sir?"

And the man replies equally politely, "I am here to reply to the ad you put in the paper."

She says,  "Okay, well then, I want a man who won’t put his hands all over me."

The man says,  "Well I can’t do that, I have no arms, so that problem is solved.”

Then she says "Well I don’t want a man that is always going to be chasing after me."

The man says,  "Well I can’t do that, I don’t have any legs! So that problem is solved.”

 Then the lady says "But... I do want a man who is a good lover!" and the man  replies, "Well, I rang your doorbell didn’t I?"



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Malsexie on December 07, 2012, 09:33:32 AM
CONDOMS

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

 He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.  At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10 pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girls’ parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say  grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still in deep prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girl finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Malsexie on December 07, 2012, 09:36:59 AM
Q: Why did god invent men?
A: Because dildoes don’t mow lawns.

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One, she holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around
      her.

Q: What did the Mum blonde tell her daughter when she was going
      out?
A:  If you’re not in bed by 12 come home!

Q: How do we know girls are not made from sugar and spice?
A:  Because they smell like fish!

Q: Why is sex like a poker game?
A: You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What do you call a hookers kids?
A:  Brothel sprouts.

Q: What is the similarity between a gynecologist and a pizza delivery
      man?
A: They both can smell it but can’t eat it

Q: What do you call sweat between two Tasmanians having sex?
A:  Relative humidity


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on December 07, 2012, 09:44:55 AM
I knew Mary was going to say that to the prostitute. ;-)
What's the dad's problem??? He had all day to clean his cock, lol
The pharmicist one was embarrassingly funny, too.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on December 08, 2012, 12:05:37 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/6BVCg.png) (http://imgur.com/6BVCg)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on December 08, 2012, 03:00:40 PM
Young Female Bakery Clerk

 A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on December 08, 2012, 10:51:20 PM
Quivering is the right word, lol!!!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: AB-2007 on December 10, 2012, 11:01:52 PM

"I tried setting my hotmail password to 'penis'.
It said my password wasn't long enough..."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Grm on December 12, 2012, 01:32:47 PM

"I tried setting my hotmail password to 'penis'.
It said my password wasn't long enough..."

You could use 'humongouspenis', that should be long enough.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Malsexie on December 14, 2012, 08:31:27 AM
MANIAC

Three men were leaving a bar and they were held up by some maniac.
He said to them, "You blokes better have ten inches between the three of you or else I’m chopping them all off!"

So they all unzipped and dropped their pants.

The first one comes up with a  five-incher, the second fellow reveals his four-incher and  the 3rd fellow produces his one-incher.

The first fellow thinks, “Thank God I have my 5 incher.”
The second fellow thinks, “Thank God I have my 4 incher.”
The third fellow thinks, “Thank God I had a hard-on.”


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Malsexie on December 14, 2012, 08:31:40 AM
AIDS

An old man takes his wife to the doctor. After a long time in the               examination room, the doctor comes out and says to the man, "I’m not sure what she has, but I have narrowed  it down to either AIDS or Alzheimers."

The man says, "Wow, that’s pretty serious, how do I tell?"

The doctor says, "Take her for a long drive way out of the city, and leave her. If she comes home, DON’T FUCK HER.”


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Malsexie on December 14, 2012, 08:32:51 AM
PAINTED

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for awhile, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, then, deciding that  no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

“Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?”


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Malsexie on December 14, 2012, 08:33:44 AM
HELL

A man died and awoke in Hell. As he waited in line to be processed into Hell, he became more and more disturbed by his situation. He thought to himself, "I know I led kind of a wild life, but I didn’t think I was bad enough to end up like this!"

Finally, he was at the head of the line, and the next counsellor was beckoning him to step up to his desk. "What’s the matter?" the counsellor asked, "You look unhappy."

"Well what do you think?" the man responded. "I’m in Hell!"

"Oh, Hell isn’t so bad," the counsellor said, "Actually we have a lot of fun here. For example, do you drink?"

"Well, sure I used to do  my share of drinking," the man said. "Then you are going to love Mondays," the counsellor said, "Monday is drinking night here -- we have all the best liquors, the rarest wines, and beer by the keg. And you don’t have to worry about drinking and driving, or cirrhosis of the liver or anything, because you’re already dead! Isn’t that great!? How about smoking , do you smoke?"

"Yes, I was a smoker," the man said.

"Well, you’re going to love Tuesdays too," the counsellor continued, "Tuesday is smoking night here -- cigarettes, Cuban cigars, marijuana, whatever you like -- and the best part is that since you’re dead, you  won’t have to worry about lung cancer or emphysema or anything like that. Do you take drugs?"

"Well, I experimented a little when I was younger," the man said.

"Then you’re going to have a great time on Wednesdays too," said the counsellor. "Wednesday is drug  night, and once again, since you’re dead, no matter how lethal or addicting the drug might be, you can enjoy it to your heart’s content. Do you gamble?"

"Oh I love to gamble!" the man replied.

"Great!" the counsellor said. "You’ll also love Thursday nights, which are our gambling nights. It’s a regular Las Vegas here every Thursday, and no matter what game of chance you like, you can play it all night whether you’re winning or losing. Now then, are you gay?"

"Well, no I’m not," the man said.

"Oh," the counsellor grimaced, "you’re going to hate Fridays.”


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on December 31, 2012, 11:43:39 AM
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on December 31, 2012, 06:45:15 PM
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.

The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".

The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home.

So the cabbie goes in.

A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"

The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".

The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on December 31, 2012, 10:26:34 PM
Good one, Vinney. ;-) I'll bet every guy's wife was in that whorehouse. P:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: alb6401 on January 01, 2013, 04:33:09 PM
Good one Vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: horny guy on January 01, 2013, 04:50:58 PM
Even mine? hmmmm..


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 01, 2013, 07:06:02 PM
A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, "No. These are for boys."

The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The little boy angrily points to his boy's bike and says, "Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!"

But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"

The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on January 02, 2013, 08:12:38 AM
The battle of the sexes is getting old...lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 03, 2013, 01:26:30 AM
Mark was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing Mark's testicles - something she loved to do.

As Mark was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that so much?"

"Because", she replied, "I really miss mine."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on January 03, 2013, 03:00:17 AM
Hey, he/she must've been a passable female so Mark shouldn't get upset.
Unless he was drunk when he picked him/her up, lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on January 03, 2013, 12:32:57 PM
She Was Soooooo Blonde 
   
 She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

She thought General Motors was in the army.

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said, "concentrate."

She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She studied for a blood test.

She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

She sold the car for gas money!

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front." 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 04, 2013, 12:53:22 AM
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have vagina'?

'Yes, actually I have,' she says.

The man replies..

'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on January 04, 2013, 05:25:01 AM
lol I bet hubby didn't see that one coming! ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on January 04, 2013, 06:10:39 PM
Sending A Message
   
A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will

cost her $300, she exclaims,"I don’t have any money... but I’ll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"

To that the man asks, "Anything?"

And the blonde says, "Yes.... ANYTHING!!" With that the man says, "Follow me!"

He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."

She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.Then he says,

"Go ahead, take it out."

With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!!"

She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "HELLO, MOM?" 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TheciaMarie on January 04, 2013, 06:45:46 PM
Hi Becca,
I don't get the joke,,,,that's what I would do..
T


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 04, 2013, 11:55:03 PM
I'm not saying she's a Slut but I found her G-Spot on Google Maps.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on January 05, 2013, 12:34:10 PM
Natural Blonde?
   
A blond dyed her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on, She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?" "ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one" As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?" 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: smugdingus on January 05, 2013, 09:52:12 PM

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher... said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKING BADGE!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 06, 2013, 12:49:55 AM
A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of shoes she likes and must have...

The husband says, "No fucking chance love, They're too expensive!"

Later on that night in bed, The wife is just falling off to sleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hands on her hips....

She turns to him and says, "No fucking chance love, If you ain't prepared to shoe the horse then you ain't fucking riding it!!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: insatiable on January 06, 2013, 12:38:02 PM
Who makes the sandwich in a lesbian relationship?

No One.
We both EAT OUT.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 06, 2013, 11:52:31 PM
Same Sex marriage

Norman and Barry got married in California.
 
They couldn't afford a 'honeymoon' so they went back to Norman's Family house for their first married night  together.
   
In the morning, Johnny, Norman's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Norman and Barry are up yet. She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mum replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!  Just go to school.'
   
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?' She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mum replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
 
After school, little Johnny comes home and again asks, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?' 
His mum says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' 
His mum replies, 'OK, ok, now tell me what you think.'
 
He says: 'Last night Norman came to my room for some Vaseline and I think...I gave him my model aeroplane glue!' 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 08, 2013, 12:35:47 PM
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on January 08, 2013, 02:08:32 PM
Damn! What a predicament... :P lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: licksnkissez on January 10, 2013, 11:44:48 PM
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Is this a trick question?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________

-- And the best for last: --

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on January 11, 2013, 01:52:36 AM
lol Thanks for sharing, Licks!!! I don't know who are worse, the lawyers or the wtnesses... Maybe the lawyers. :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 11, 2013, 12:21:03 PM
lol Thanks for sharing, Licks!!! I don't know who are worse, the lawyers or the wtnesses... Maybe the lawyers. :P

Definitely the lawyers...  :emot_laughing: Great post Licks...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on January 11, 2013, 12:23:25 PM
Great post licks, what makes it funnier is that it's true.  Thanks for posting!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: smugdingus on January 11, 2013, 09:44:44 PM


A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God
loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on January 11, 2013, 11:37:59 PM
Heehee He should send his wife out to push the guy.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 12, 2013, 12:48:53 AM
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I  went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in the hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said:

"Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 12, 2013, 12:58:49 AM
Enjoy ..... the Irish approach..........

A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
Was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to him in the town of
Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a
bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no
object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait
while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer
portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint ya in da nude alright . but I has to at least leave me
socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."....................


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 12, 2013, 01:02:13 AM
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in   Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"Fuck You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on January 12, 2013, 11:23:14 AM
All right now, Irish are not THAT stupid. :P LOVED the three religious guys joke and the stewardess story. So who was the guy???


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Katiebee on January 13, 2013, 05:43:25 AM
An Englishman?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: smugdingus on January 14, 2013, 02:04:53 AM
Sex After Surgery
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
“How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"



The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
“Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on January 14, 2013, 07:40:55 AM
lol She must've meant oral... ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 16, 2013, 11:47:24 AM
A farmer buys a young Cock.

As soon as it comes to farmhouse, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens.
Farmer is impressed.

At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens, Farmer gets worried now.

Next day, he finds the Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrots too.

Later, he finds the Cock lying pale, half-dead & Vultures circling over it's head.

Farmer says: horny bastard, you deserve this !

The Cock opens 1 eye, points up & says:

Sshhh! Don't shout, let them land...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 16, 2013, 11:49:03 AM
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on January 16, 2013, 12:27:02 PM
LMAO Too funny, Vinney! That horny cock needs his own TV show! :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 17, 2013, 12:22:18 AM
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks ...
"Honey, I've been thinking ... now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face!

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

Tim replies, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife?!!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!!!"

Tim continues loading & responds, "I wasn't."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 17, 2013, 12:33:51 AM
My first time having sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move.

She asked: "What are you doing?"

I replied: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering."

 :roll:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 18, 2013, 12:21:30 AM
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: alb6401 on January 18, 2013, 02:29:19 AM
Oh Vinney the mail man joke was funny ass shit!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on January 18, 2013, 08:40:11 AM
Yeah, Vinney! More wives should "listen" to their husbands like that. ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 18, 2013, 11:38:26 AM
Yeah, Vinney! More wives should "listen" to their husbands like that. ;-)

True... so very, very true...!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Jem on January 18, 2013, 11:50:48 AM
 :emot_rotf: :emot_rotf: :emot_rotf: :emot_rotf: :emot_rotf: :emot_rotf:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Jem on January 18, 2013, 01:08:13 PM
Why do women wear panties?

Because it's the law. The Health and Safety Act, 1985 states that "All manholes are to be covered when not in use"  ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 19, 2013, 12:51:16 AM
One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on January 19, 2013, 06:16:30 AM
 :emot_laughing:  :emot_rotf:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on January 19, 2013, 06:19:26 AM
One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!

 :emot_weird:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 22, 2013, 11:34:27 PM
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Partner on January 22, 2013, 11:45:52 PM
Sex ed matters, yo.   :emot_rotf:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Tech_Guy on January 23, 2013, 06:52:06 AM
Good one Vinney! :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on January 23, 2013, 11:19:53 AM
Heehee Thanks, Vinney! That joke and Partners reply reminded me of a few lines in a movie... Totally unrelated, but i was reminded of them anyway. ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Jem on January 23, 2013, 11:57:12 AM
Economics teacher – “Class, can you give me an example of a complete business failure due to professional negligence?”

Little Johnny – “A pregnant prostitute!”


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 23, 2013, 01:46:47 PM
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on January 23, 2013, 08:42:14 PM
"Out of the mouth of babes" as the saying goes, lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 25, 2013, 05:12:28 PM
One day a mother and son were having a shower together.

son: mummy, whats that? *points to her snatch*

the mother, thinking quickly on her feet says "thats a garage, every girl has one!"

the son asks, "what about boys, what do we have?"

the mother says, "boys have cars, to park in the garage! yours is a little ford, and daddys is a big holden!"

the mother than warned tha father of what she told their son.

that night the son has a nightmare and runs into his parents room. "mummy, mummy i had a bad dream!"

the mother calms him and says he can sleep in their bed until his father gets home from work.

the father gets home from work and walks into the bedroom, he says "its time for me to park my holden in the garage!" not knowing the son was in there.

the son whispers "haha daddy, when mummy fell asleep i parked my ford there first!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on January 25, 2013, 06:10:38 PM
Let's hope daddy isn't the jealous type... ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 26, 2013, 12:08:33 AM
An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 26, 2013, 01:06:33 AM
While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his
briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screams,"Schwartz is dead!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: alb6401 on January 26, 2013, 03:23:39 PM
Little Betty Lou was also a handful and very wise for her young age. It was Saturday and she was home with mom.
"Mom I'm bored" mom replied sweetly "go color in your books"
" Mom that's even more boring" Mom thinks "well go watch cartoons" she responds.
" Nah, that's no fun" Mom ponders and says " How about your dolls"?
" Oh mom ,wow I do that all the time" Mom is getting impatient by now and snaps" Why don't you go outside and blow bubbles"
  Betty Lou face looked puzzled then shrugs shoulders. " OK, Mom"
 She walks back in after about 30 minutes and mom asks" Well did you have fun blowing bubbles sweetheart"?
 "Well its was OK, but kinda messy mom. But you know our dog Bubbles seemed to  like it a whole bunch." 
.............Mom fainted


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on January 26, 2013, 03:37:45 PM
 :emot_laughing: :emot_rotf: :emot_rotf:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on January 26, 2013, 06:38:25 PM
As long as Bubbles was happy... ;-) heeheehee


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on January 26, 2013, 07:47:03 PM
As long as Bubbles was happy... ;-) heeheehee


OMG... LMAO  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on January 26, 2013, 08:29:53 PM
As long as LaTina is happy, too... ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 26, 2013, 10:41:11 PM
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 26, 2013, 11:13:30 PM
HOLY PROSTITUTES

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you! my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,

'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another

sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on January 27, 2013, 02:16:11 AM
lol... OMFG...  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on January 27, 2013, 04:18:55 AM
That was CLASSIC Vinney


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: licksnkissez on January 27, 2013, 09:34:14 PM
(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/558383_471960269531589_959947985_n.png)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Partner on January 27, 2013, 09:37:11 PM
Lucky bike...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 27, 2013, 11:56:13 PM
(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/558383_471960269531589_959947985_n.png)

Nice one Licks... wobbles on the cobbles.... ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 28, 2013, 01:30:13 AM
A man goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn’t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. “Good God, Dear,” he proclaims, “I’ve just had the worst day of my entire life!”

She responds, “You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.”


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 28, 2013, 01:32:51 AM
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second.

“That’s awful,” says the first man. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”

“It’s very uncomfortable at first”, says the second man. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?”

“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.

“What do you mean?” asks the first man.

“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on January 28, 2013, 02:36:23 AM
THE FREEZER!!! *smacks forehead* I forgot about the freezer! :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 29, 2013, 01:05:37 AM
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on January 29, 2013, 03:21:01 AM
Of course he went and met her in Room 221... ;-) Unless he was gay


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Katiebee on January 29, 2013, 03:33:06 PM
 .


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on January 30, 2013, 03:16:10 PM
Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"

His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on January 30, 2013, 09:30:18 PM
lol Kids are too damned smart nowadays. :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on January 31, 2013, 05:54:56 AM
 :emot_laughing: ... kids i tell you...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Jem on January 31, 2013, 11:00:56 AM
Who in their right mind would wear white sock with sandals?!? Geez!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on January 31, 2013, 12:21:01 PM
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

vinney my love, was that you at the Sheraton? Ooh-la-la!   :emot_kiss:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 01, 2013, 12:22:19 AM
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

vinney my love, was that you at the Sheraton? Ooh-la-la!   :emot_kiss:

Shucks Becca...!!! You got me again... surprised you don't know my elbow by now...  :roll:  Can I have it back now please...?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 01, 2013, 12:46:18 AM
Getting oral sex from a ugly person is like rock climbing - don't look down...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 01, 2013, 01:24:11 AM
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 01, 2013, 02:18:54 AM
And we like you  thinking, Vinney. ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 01, 2013, 05:19:43 AM
ohh vinney...  :emot_laughing: love your jokes


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Jem on February 01, 2013, 08:30:27 AM
A rural Pastor keeps chickens in the churchyard. One Saturday evening a cock went missing. The next day during church announcements the Pastor asks,

 "Who has a cock?" All the men got up..

"No, I mean, who has SEEN a cock?" All the women got up..

"No, no, no! I meant", getting a little flustered, "who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?" More than half the women in the congregation got up..

"Oh, for goodness sake!! Who has seen MY cock?!?" All the choir girls got up, the Pastors wife fainted..

"Oh, for Christ.s sake!!!!" the Pastor shouted, " a rooster, you whores, a rooster, a fucking rooster!!!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 01, 2013, 09:51:37 AM
"But Pastor, don't all roosters fuck?" :P lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Malsexie on February 01, 2013, 10:02:55 AM
I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning lotto!! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Such an unfair world - When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife, bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today, Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
 
I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69.
 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 01, 2013, 10:50:42 AM
Malsexie, you had me cracking up! ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Jem on February 01, 2013, 11:38:31 AM
 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_mdmyday:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Jem on February 01, 2013, 12:57:37 PM
HOW  TO START A FIGHT
 
         
 
One  year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
A Christmas gift...
 
          The next  year, I didn't buy her a gift.
 
          When she asked  me why, I replied,
 
          "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
 
          And that's how the fight started.....
 
         ________________________________
 
          My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
We were in bed.
 
          I turned to  her and said, 'Do you want to have  Sex?'
 
          'No,' she answered. I then said,
 
          'Is that  your final answer?'
 
          She didn't even look  at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
 
          So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
 
          And that's when the fight started...
 
         ________________________________
 
          I took my wife to a restaurant.
 
          The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
 
          "I'll have  the rump steak, rare, please."
 
          He said,  "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
 
          "Nah, she can order for herself."
 
          And that's when the fight  started.....
 
          _______________________________
 
          My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high  school
Reunion, and she kept staring at a  drunken man swigging his
Drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
 
          I asked her, "Do you know  him?"
 
          "Yes", she sighed,
 
          "He's my old  boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking
Right after we split up those many years ago,  and I hear he
Hasn't been sober since."
 
          "My  God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
Celebrating that long?"
 
          And then the fight  started...
 
         ________________________________
 
          When our lawn mower  broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
To me that I should get it  fixed.  But, somehow I always had
Something else to take care of first, the shed, the  boat,
Making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
Thought of  a clever way to make her point.
 
          When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the  tall
Grass, busily snipping away with a tiny  pair of sewing
Scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
The house. I was gone only a minute, and when I  came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
Grass, you  might as well sweep the driveway.."
 
          The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always  have a  limp.
 
         ______________________________
 
           My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
 
          She asked, "What's on TV?"
 
          I said, "Dust."
 
          And then the fight started...
 
         ________________________________
 
          Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
Lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the
Boat up to the  van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
Downpour The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
Garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
Would  be bad all day.
 
          I went back into the house,  quietly undressed, and slipped back
Into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
Anticipation, and whispered,  "The  weather out there is
Terrible."
 
          My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
Stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
 
          And that's how the fight started...
 
         _______________________________
 
          My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary.
 
          She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
About 3 seconds."
 
          I bought her a bathroom scale.
 
          And then the fight started......
 
         ______________________________
 
          After retiring, I went to the Social Security office  to apply
For Social Security.
 
           The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
Verify my age.
 
          I looked in my  pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
Home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
To go home and come back later.
 
          The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
 
          So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
 
          She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
Me and she processed my Social Security application.
 
          When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
The Social Security office.  She said, 'You should have  dropped
Your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
 
          And then the fight  started...
 
          ________________________________
 
          My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom  mirror.
 
          She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
 
          "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
 
          I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."
 
          And then the fight started.......
 
         ________________________________
 
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
 
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
 
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
 
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
 
That's how the fight started.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Jem on February 01, 2013, 01:17:02 PM
A woman married and had 9 children. Her husband died and she soon married again and had another 7 children. Again her husband died, but she remarried yet again and this time had another 4 children.

Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment of "Go forth and multiply". In his final eulogy he said: "Thank you, Lord, they are finally together."

Leaning over to his neighbour, one mourner asked: "Do you think he means her 1st, 2nd or 3rd husband?"

The other mourner replied: " I think he means her legs."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: alb6401 on February 01, 2013, 01:38:12 PM
Who in their right mind would wear white sock with sandals?!? Geez!
This shit never happens on my damn street. I need to move hahaha


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: alb6401 on February 01, 2013, 01:47:14 PM
Mal,Jem & Vinney. Priceless jokes to you all thanks. And oh boy do I know the "and the fight started" feeling. lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 01, 2013, 03:09:32 PM
Husband On 1st Night Finding His Wife A Virgin Is Overjoyed And Says.

Husband: “I Wanna Kiss The One Who Took Care Of You & Protected Your Virginity”

Wife: “Kiss My Ass“


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 01, 2013, 03:10:22 PM
Three boys are enjoying a quiet night in a pub, when a man stumbles in and orders a beer.

Spying the group, the drunk stumbles over, points at one of the boys and shouts: ‘I’ve fucked your mum!’

The lads ignored him and returned to their beer.

He shouts again: ‘Up the ass!’

Although irritated, they ignore him again. The drunk stands up again points at the boy and yells: ‘Your Mum’s sucked my cock!’

The boy looks up wearily. ‘You’re drunk, Dad. Go home.’


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 01, 2013, 03:14:10 PM
vinney, you so make logging on worthwhile.  Always bringing smiles and chuckles, not to mention elbows and hot stories.  Love ya sugar!      :emot_kiss:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 01, 2013, 05:47:47 PM
Thanks Becca... so sweet of you to say...  :emot_kiss:

now try this one...

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 01, 2013, 05:49:33 PM
Breakfast was late and husband and wife were badly hung over from a particularly wild party the night before.

Bleary eyed, he said to his wife, "Was it you I made love to in the garden last night?"

"About what time?" she replied.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 01, 2013, 08:53:11 PM
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the Vegas craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman from Tennessee arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and- down....and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,. "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 01, 2013, 09:43:18 PM
Jem, you are cruel. But funny as Hell! ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 01, 2013, 09:45:44 PM
Vinney, funny as ever!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 02, 2013, 12:15:25 PM
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 02, 2013, 12:57:51 PM
Haha, you're on a roll sugar....loved them all.  Keep it up!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 02, 2013, 04:40:19 PM
I'm keeping it up... but a bit embarrassing with wifey watching and wondering what that great big bulge is in front of me... as if she can't remember...!  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 02, 2013, 04:49:48 PM
Tell her it's your elbow.   :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 02, 2013, 04:52:15 PM
 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 02, 2013, 08:23:15 PM
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

lol... should watch...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlsPXpR2ORU


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 02, 2013, 10:10:01 PM
 :emot_laughing: good one to watch Latina...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 03, 2013, 04:22:48 AM
lol I had figured they forgot the plug in the pain transfer machine or something... ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TheciaMarie on February 03, 2013, 04:26:35 PM
Stuttering Cat - as explained by a Grade 4 student

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before she could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 03, 2013, 06:41:27 PM
 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 03, 2013, 06:50:38 PM
When I was in junior. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.

In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with large breasts.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 03, 2013, 07:36:49 PM
You and me both, Vinney. ;-) You and me both.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 03, 2013, 08:10:24 PM
Is that one each GG...? If so bags I have the right one and you have what's left...!!!

 :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 03, 2013, 08:12:22 PM
Are you saying the one who's left is ugly or something? What are you trying to say? :P lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watasch on February 03, 2013, 11:05:33 PM
Stuttering Cat - as explained by a Grade 4 student

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before she could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.


 :emot_laughing:    OK, that one got me to laughing out loud.  Even the dogs and cats in the house wondered what was going on.   Good one!!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 04, 2013, 12:21:26 AM
Are you saying the one who's left is ugly or something? What are you trying to say? :P lol

Okay... okay... playing fair now...makes no difference as they're both beautiful... a beautiful pair of DD's... so you have the right one... and I'll have the one that's left...

 :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 04, 2013, 12:59:48 AM
An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $1,000?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $ 10,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $100,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says,"Hmmmmm, $100,000... OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"No!," says the little old man... "That costs too much!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 04, 2013, 01:03:00 AM
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 04, 2013, 01:05:52 AM
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe’s throne.

The chief then said “All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me.”

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, “Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you’d have gotten away!”

The second guy answered while still laughing, “I couldn’t help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples.”


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: DemonDelight on February 04, 2013, 03:45:22 AM
Omg that last one had me laughing the hardest!!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 04, 2013, 05:05:10 AM
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe’s throne.

The chief then said “All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me.”

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, “Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you’d have gotten away!”

The second guy answered while still laughing, “I couldn’t help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples.”

OMG, thank you Vinney... really needed the laugh


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Jem on February 04, 2013, 08:48:34 AM
"Give it here!"

"Let me have it!"

"It's my turn!"

"You had it last!"

"Fuck off!"

"Come on, gimme it!"

"No way!"

"But it's my go"

..................................Siamese twins having a wank


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 04, 2013, 11:55:45 AM
Share and share alike...  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 04, 2013, 02:16:22 PM
Josh lusted after Linda.

When she finally agreed to go out with him, he took her out to dinner and then afterwards, drove her five miles out into the country, parked, and said passionately, "I want you right here, right now. Do it... or you can walk home!"

Without saying a word, Linda got out of the car and walked home.

A month later, after much apologizing, Linda agreed to go out with Josh again. This time he drove ten miles out in the country, parked, and begged, "Please. I must make love to you right now. Do it... or walk home!"

Again, Linda walked home.

Two months later, after even more apologizing and gifts of flowers and jeweler, she accepted another invitation. This time, just to make sure, Josh drove fifty miles out of town and gave her the same ultimatum.

Without a word, Linda undressed and gave him the greatest sex of his young life. As they were driving home, Josh asked, "Why did you walk home the first two dates, when you so obviously enjoy sex?"
 
Linda answered, "Well, it's like this: I'll walk five miles or even ten miles to save a friend from AIDS, but fifty..."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 04, 2013, 08:12:58 PM
A young lady had just visited her doctor and was informed she was pregnant. She had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus on her way home, she felt she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to tell.

"Sir," she said. "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll burst." She told him what the doctor had told her and how long she had waited for the event.

The man shared her enthusiasm, then he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer. "I use to have trouble with the hens laying fertilized eggs. But one day I went out to the hen house and checked the eggs the hens had laid. All were fertilized."

"What changed that made them all fertilized?" the young lady asked.

"Simple. I changed cocks!"

"Confidentially," the newly pregnant woman responded, "So did I."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 04, 2013, 08:37:11 PM
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. “Mom”, the boy asks, “What’s a pussy?”

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says “Son, that is a pussy.” the son then asks “What’s a bitch?” The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says “Son, this is a bitch.”

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says “Dad, what’s a pussy?” The father doesn’t want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says “Son, this is a pussy!”

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks “Then, what is a bitch?”

The dad replies, “That’s everything outside the circle!”


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 04, 2013, 10:37:19 PM
Another hilarious He Said, She Said joke. Thanks, Vinney!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Jem on February 05, 2013, 10:57:53 AM
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 05, 2013, 12:15:19 PM
 :emot_laughing: vinney and Jem, thanks for the laughs. 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 05, 2013, 02:00:54 PM
Jajajajajaja... OMG.... *sigh*... jajajajajaja


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watcher1 on February 05, 2013, 02:51:23 PM
A Priest was presenting a special children's mass to the congregation.

During the message, he asked the children if they knew what the
resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's mass is crucial, but at the
same time, asking the children questions in front of a congregation can
also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection,
a little boy raised his hand. The Priest called on him and the little
boy said, "All I know is that if you have a resurrection that lasts
more than 4 hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough
from their laughter for mass to be continued


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Dgan on February 05, 2013, 06:30:38 PM
(danger, clean joke, do not panic)


It's the middle of World War II and the battles have descended into trenches. The Sargent looks around to find all of his men killed but one; a lowly private who everyone knew was slow of wit.  Their ammo was depleted, their weapons mostly ruined and the enemy was starting to advance.

"Son, I want you to stand up there and shoot those soldiers!"

"I haven't got a gun, Sargent!"

The Sargent grabs a flag standard, breaks the flag off, hands him the long stick and says "Son, I want you to close your eyes, aim this at them and yell Bang each time you shoot one of them!"

Not knowing what else to do, the private was trained to trust the Sargent. He closed his eyes, stood at the side of the mound and started screaming "Bangitty bang bang bangitty bang" over and over. When he opened his eyes 30 of the enemy soldiers lay dead in the field.

Equally amazed was the Sargent, but to his dismay the enemy rallied with an even greater number of troops!  "What do I do?" asked the private. "My gun will never hold that much ammo!"

Quickly the Sargent grabs a piece of cloth, wraps it around the end of the stick and says "Private, this is your bayonet! I want you to close your eyes and shoot the enemy and ram this bayonet into their hearts! Just get up there and do it, son, we are all counting on you!"

As easily a hundred men started advancing the private again closed his eyes, leapt onto the field, and began screaming "Bangitty bang bang! Stabbitty Stab Stab" over and over for what seemed an eternity..

As the dust settled the Sargent and Private were equally surprised to see over a hundred dead soldiers on the field of battle, save for one who was walking straight at them!

Once again, the private closed his eyes and started screaming over and over "Bangitty bang bang, stabbity stab stab" on and on until the other soldier walked right over top of him... Heard mumbled under his breath were the words... "tanketty tank tank..."



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Jem on February 06, 2013, 08:34:18 AM
 :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watcher1 on February 06, 2013, 02:41:49 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/xtsBqqr.jpg)

I was in a  pub the other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh,  talking at the bar. Their accent  appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three  lassies from Scotland?"
   
One of them  screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!"
   
So I  apologized and replied, "I am so  sorry.  Are you three whales from Scotland?"   
 
And...that's the last  thing I remember....  


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watasch on February 06, 2013, 03:08:23 PM
Getting Old

 
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
 
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
 
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
 
 
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.  However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen.  After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..

She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

   

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive.’



Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer...'



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc:  'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''


The doctor said, 'I didn't say that... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more.. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 06, 2013, 03:31:20 PM
Crushed nuts? No arthritis....lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 06, 2013, 05:21:27 PM
Really, Watcher? You called those lasses whales??? ;-)
Loved the Getting Old jokes. Hilarious!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: insatiable on February 06, 2013, 07:48:36 PM
Nice jokes about the old ones, just wondering which one was about watcher?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watcher1 on February 06, 2013, 11:12:45 PM
Nice jokes about the old ones, just wondering which one was about watcher?

Were these jokes?   :o


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Jem on February 07, 2013, 08:46:38 AM
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand...

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching..

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: RopeFiend on February 07, 2013, 09:25:05 AM


A friend of mine just came out to me as 'asexual', and I was too embarrassed to ask how that was different from being ugly...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watcher1 on February 07, 2013, 02:40:28 PM
A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...

"You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on February 07, 2013, 03:13:11 PM
 :emot_laughing:


LMFAO


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: MissBarbara on February 07, 2013, 03:30:45 PM

LMFAO



Me, too!






Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 07, 2013, 03:54:38 PM
 :emot_laughing: Everybody's on a roll with the jokes.  Perfect for a dreary, rainy Thursday.   Many thanks to the posters for the laughs.   :emot_kiss:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 07, 2013, 03:55:21 PM
OMFG... LOL... :emot_rotf: :emot_rotf: :emot_clap:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 07, 2013, 07:11:34 PM
A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colours of my favourite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."

The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"

The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"

The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"

She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, it feels good!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 07, 2013, 07:13:20 PM
Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly:

Nike Condoms : - Just do it.

Ford Condoms : - The ride of your life.

Sony Condoms : - Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms.

Microsoft Condoms : - Where do you want to go today?

KFC Condoms : - Finger Licking Good.

M&Ms Condoms : - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Bernard Matthews Condoms : - Beautiful

Safeway Condoms : - Lightening the Load

Abbey National Condoms : - Because life's complicated enough

Coca Cola Condoms : - The Real Thing.

Ever Ready Condoms : - Keep going and going ....

ESSO Condoms: - The eye of the Tiger

Macintosh Condoms : - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Pringles Condoms : - Once you pop, you can't stop.

Burger King Condoms:- Home of the Whopper.

Goodyear condoms : "For a longer ride go wide"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on February 07, 2013, 07:20:03 PM

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

================================================================


As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

================================================================


One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 09, 2013, 02:43:37 PM
You Are My First

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally
gets himself to the doctor.
He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and
my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal
and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided
bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his
honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal
a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the
CRATE!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: firework on February 09, 2013, 02:47:04 PM
Lmfao :D


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Zee4u on February 10, 2013, 04:08:43 AM

How the Jews Got The Ten Commandments:


God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for
you that will make your lives better."

And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill? Get away from me with that stuff."

So he went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Honor thy Father and Mother."

"Father? How we s'pose to know dat?."

So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Thou shall not steal."

"Not steal? Are you crazy?"

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French wanted an example and the Lord said,
"Thou shall not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? You must be joking".

So, he finally went to the Jews and said, "I have commandments."

"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on February 10, 2013, 04:20:26 AM
You Are My First

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally
gets himself to the doctor.
He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and
my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal
and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided
bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his
honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal
a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the
CRATE!"



Now that is some funny shit....


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on February 10, 2013, 07:49:00 AM
What do the United States congress and lesbians have in common?

They both don't do dick.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 10, 2013, 10:38:47 AM
A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".

The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages..."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 10, 2013, 02:08:29 PM
Give that guy a prize, he's a genius! :P lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 10, 2013, 02:44:40 PM
The Golden Toilet Seat

There was this guy who had been to about every bar in town. So one
night, he hopped into a taxi cab and told the driver to take him to
the best bar in town. The cabby took him to a bar, where he got
half-drunk. He hopped into the same cab and said that the bar wasn't
good enough -- take him to another one. The cabby took him to another
bar, where the guy had the time of his life.
The next morning, this guy was in yet another bar telling his buddy
what a good time he had the night before, but he couldn't remember
where he was. All he could remember was a red door and a golden toilet
seat.
"Man, we gotta find this place," said his buddy.
So the two spent half the day searching for a bar with a red door
until they found one. They walked in, and the guy asked the bartender,
"Was I here last night and too drunk to tell? All I remember is a red
door and a golden toilet seat."
The bartender hollered to the back, "HEY, FRED. HERE'S THAT SON OF A
BITCH WHO TOOK A SHIT IN YOUR TUBA LAST NIGHT."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on February 10, 2013, 03:09:56 PM
Good one, TD!

A young woman walks into a clinic and sits down next to an attractive young man. "Are you here to donate blood? They pay me fifty dollars to donate, because I have rare blood," she said with an air of self-satisfaction.

"No, they want me to donate sperm. They pay me seven hundred dollars," he replied, as a matter-of-fact.

"Oh," was her only reply.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next week, the young man sees the woman back in the lobby. "Are you here to donate blood again?"

The woman shakes her head, no. "Mmmm-mmm!" she replies without opening her mouth.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on February 10, 2013, 05:32:58 PM
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
==================================================================================================================================


A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That�s a good piece of fir." "Correct,� says the manager, �now try this one." "That�s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,� says the blind man, �Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you�re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It�s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 10, 2013, 11:42:57 PM
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a roomeveryone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 10, 2013, 11:45:31 PM
Little Johnny is delivering newspapers.

He knocks on a door and says to the lady, "I'm collecting today... that'll be five dollars."

She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but I'll gladly give you some great sex instead."

Little Johnny agrees, "All right."

He walks in and the lady undoes his pants and pulls them down. To her surprise, she sees the biggest penis she's ever seen.

Little Johnny then reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of washers, and begins sliding them onto his penis.

The lady says, "You don't have to do that... I can take all of it."

"Not for five bucks you can't," replies Little Johnny.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 10, 2013, 11:53:37 PM
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.

"My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I wet all over the backseat. I'm here to be put down."

The other two dogs nodded sympatheticly, then the second, a Kelpie, explained his situation.

"A brand new Persian rug had just been placed in the loungeroom, and it was very expensive. My owners made a big fuss of it, when it came. Then, once when I was in the room, I had an incredible urge to roll all over it. So I did, and ended up getting quite a bit of my fur over the mat. My owners were very annoyed, and sent me here to be put to sleep."

The other two dogs nodded, and the first dog asked the third, a German Shepard, what he was there for.

"My owner has this habit of cleaning the house in the nude, and once when she was cleaning under the sofa, I just couldn't help myself. I jumped on and had the ride of my life."

The other dogs tut-tutted. "So you're here to be put down too?" he asked.

The Shepard shook his head. "No, just to get my nails clipped!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 10, 2013, 11:58:23 PM
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: staci on February 11, 2013, 02:57:15 AM
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
For example...
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as
she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a
drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them
stay in our bedroom.  Did you say "hello"?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 11, 2013, 02:58:44 AM
I'm in joke overload! lol Lots of great jokes all at once, Janus had some of the best ones, TD's was good, too. Vinney is still in top form. Poor dogs... :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 11, 2013, 05:28:16 AM
 :emot_laughing: *takes a breath*  :emot_rotf: *breath* :emot_rotf:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Jem on February 11, 2013, 11:24:35 AM
I hate being bipolar.............. It,s awesome!

Ihave CDO. Its like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be.

I have sexdaily, I mean dyslexia!!  Fcuk!!

Vegetarian.. ancient tribal slang for the village idiot that can't hunt, fish or ride.

I'm not saying you're stupid, Im saying that you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.

Of course I talk like an idiot. How the hell else do you understand me?!?

Sorry, I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people that need it most don't use it.

I don't hate you. I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank.

NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no evidence of ESPN, beer or porn. This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars.



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 11, 2013, 12:02:05 PM
Ouch, Jem. ;-)
I just saw Deep Blue Sea on Saturday so the shark tank one is pretty much indelibly burned into my brain. :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 11, 2013, 12:31:11 PM
Funniest Greatest Proverbs

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
 
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
 
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
 
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
 
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
 
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
 
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
 
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
 
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
 
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
 
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
 
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
 
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
 
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
 
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
 
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
 
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
 
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
 
22. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 11, 2013, 01:23:03 PM
Poor eagle... :( :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on February 11, 2013, 03:51:41 PM
1. Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

2. Why do they have braille on the drive-thru ATM machines?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 11, 2013, 05:42:10 PM
Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

Before he could finish the old lady fainted!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 11, 2013, 05:44:27 PM
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says,

"Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the centre line back there. Can I see your registration please?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no...... not the Breathalyser again!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on February 11, 2013, 05:56:59 PM
Awesome jokes again Vinney....


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 11, 2013, 07:11:12 PM
You always find the funniest jokes vinney, thanks for sharing with the rest of us. 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 11, 2013, 07:11:45 PM
Flight to Houston

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

 The blonde replie, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

 The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

 He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." She then gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

 The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

 I told her, "First class isn't going to Houston."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 11, 2013, 10:59:27 PM
Yes, it's the Breathalyzer Test again. ;-)
I feel bad for the Blonde. All those empty seats and they couldn't let her stay?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 11, 2013, 11:28:35 PM
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"

Gasping, she shook her head no.

He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.

The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: MissBarbara on February 12, 2013, 12:23:03 AM

Bumper Stickers


EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes"

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar

The gene pool could use a little chlorine

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it

Where there's a will, I want to be in it

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

I am the boss in my household and I have my wife's permission to say so

Why is there never enough time to do it right but always time to do it over?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Men only have two faults: All they say and all they do

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving

The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck they will begin making vacuum cleaners

Ninety percent of politics is deciding who to blame






Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 12, 2013, 12:55:44 AM
Miss B... loved the bumper stickers!!

 :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 12, 2013, 01:07:49 AM
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 12, 2013, 04:37:52 AM
 :emot_rotf: :emot_rotf:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 12, 2013, 10:24:48 AM
At least she forgot she was depressed. :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 12, 2013, 05:00:23 PM
Cowboy Wishes

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked
trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's
horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming
itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew
his six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an
enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any
three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the
snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face
like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger,
and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house
you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the
way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight
inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face
of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging,
rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger's.
Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and
shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!".


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 12, 2013, 09:35:56 PM
There's a lesson in this, kids: THINK before you wish. lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on February 12, 2013, 10:02:35 PM
Okay, this one is REALLY bad, but I think I'm on the right site for it:

Two gay men were walking along a beach when one of them kicked an old oil lamp buried in the sand.

"Rub it! Rub it!" one said, prancing effeminately.

His partner smiled and rubbed the lamp.

A genie emerged, looked at the two men, and shook his head. "Alright, you freed me, you guys get three wishes..." he said reluctantly.

The first man jumped up and down. "Yay! I want matching pink Ferarris!"

Suddenly the cars appeared in the parking lot nearby.

The other man gasped, covering his mouth with his hand. "Oh. My. God. I want two big, strong Swedish underwear models!"

The genie grimaced with frustration, but the models appeared, walking up to the cars.

"Um, fellas, could you maybe just think the next one? I really don't need to hear how you use that last wish," the genie said, feeling very uncomfortable.

Suddenly, a hundred men in white robes ran up, put a noose around one man's head, threw the other end of the rope over a lightpost, and proceeded to lynch one of the gay men.

"NO! NO! NO!" his partner cried, terrified.

"What the fuck did you wish for?" the genie asked, alarmed.

"I wished he was hung like a black man!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Jem on February 13, 2013, 10:26:43 AM
The ultimate rejection would be having your hand fall asleep while you're maturbating :aol_poundit:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 13, 2013, 12:32:20 PM
Man Falls Asleep At Church

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local
church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps
falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What
should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I
will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to
you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the
leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this,
the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones
nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?"
he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones
again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As
he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs.
Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him
his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned
thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up
your ***!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Jem on February 13, 2013, 12:57:29 PM
 :emot_rotf: :emot_rotf:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 13, 2013, 01:30:34 PM
 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on February 13, 2013, 03:31:05 PM
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store
clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics
rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart
bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding
a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was
going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the
irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 13, 2013, 03:39:02 PM
The Unhappy Man

A man lost both of his arms in a car accident. When he recovered in
the hospital, he found that he was useless and decided to commit
suicide by jumping out of a 10th-story window. As he looked down from
the window, he saw a man with no arms just like him dancing wildly and
happily on the street. He decided to find out what made this man so
happy.
Arriving on the street, he asked, "Hey, brother, stop dancing for a
minute and tell what your secret is that you are so happy."
The dancing man responded, "What do you mean, happy? Hell no! I feel
itchy like hell in my ass, but I can't reach it."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 13, 2013, 07:19:45 PM
 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:

Some great jokes here... thanks Becca... Janus and everyone else...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: joe_and_michelle on February 13, 2013, 08:19:34 PM
Three divorced guys were out playing golf.    One of the guys hit his ball into the sand bunker.   Upon entering the bunker, he kicked something buried just below the surface of the sand.    Uncovering it, he found it to be an old oil lamp.  

He picked it up and showed it to his two golf friends.

"Well," one of his friends said, "You know the drill.  Rub it."

The man rubbed the lamp and a Genie appeared.

"For releasing me from the lamp, I will grant a total of 3 wishes.   One to each of you."

The first guy was about to make a wish when the Genie interrupted him.   "Let it be known that whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will receive double that of your wish."

The three men pondered this for a minute.

The first guy said, "I've always wanted a Ferrari.   Genie, I wish for a Ferrari."  

The Genie crossed his arms, closed his eyes and nodded his head.    A puff of smoke arose from the nearby parking lot and when it cleared, there were 3 shiny Ferrari's.

"One is yours," the Genie said.  "The other two are for your ex-wife."

The second guy then said, "Genie, I wish for a 10,000 sqft house overlooking the 18th green."

The Genie crossed his arms and was about to grant the wish when he reminded the man that his ex-wife would receive a 20,000 sqft house.

"Yeah, no problem," said the man.

The Genie closed his eyes, nodded his head, and around the 18th green two gigantic houses suddenly appeared, one was twice the size of the other.  

"That house is yours," the Genie said pointing to the smaller of the two houses.   Pointing to the bigger house he said, "That one is for your ex-wife."

The Genie then looked to the third man.   "And what will you wish for?"

The man walked over to his golf bag and pulled out his 3-wood.   He then handed the 3-wood to the Genie and said, "Genie, I wish for you to beat me half to death with my golf club."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 13, 2013, 08:41:03 PM
TD, you got me good with the church joke!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Jem on February 14, 2013, 01:07:59 PM
A mother was preparing dinner for her family one evening when her young daughter walked into the kitchen.

"Mommy, where do you get babies come from?"

Knowing that the 'inevitable moment' was upon her, the mother decided to tell the little girl the truth.

"Mommy and Daddy meet and fall in love. They get married then they get into bed and kiss and cuddle and have sex. That means Daddy puts his penis in mommy's vagina. That's how you get babies."

"Oooooh!", said the little girl. She's quiet for a while, her forehead creased in concentration, as if she's really thinking about this.

"The other night when I walked into your bedroom, you had Daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get from that?"

"Jewellery, my angel, jewellery."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 14, 2013, 01:18:11 PM
A Carnal Test

Three couples wanted to be admitted into a new church. One was an
elderly couple, one was a middle-aged couple, and one was a young
couple.
The priest said, "Well, the only way you can get into my church is to
abstain from having sex for two weeks."
"No problem," said all three couples.
Two weeks later, the three couples returned to the church.
"It was a piece of cake," said the elderly couple. "We didn't have sex
for two weeks straight."
The middle-aged couple said, "It was kind of difficult, but we made
it. We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."
Finally, the young couple said, "Well, we made it through the first
five days or so, but then, as my wife was bending over to pick up a
can of paint, I just had to give it to her right then and there."
The priest was stunned. "You do realize that you aren't welcome in
this church, don't you?"
The couple shrugged it off. "That's ok. We aren't welcome in Home
Depot anymore, either."



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 14, 2013, 04:02:59 PM
Joe and Michelle... nice... :emot_laughing:
 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 15, 2013, 12:18:27 AM
Actually this is a true story about Valentine's Day when I was 17 years old... a long time ago...

I bought a Valentine's card for my then girlfriend...the first such card I had ever bought... Ironically February 14th was also my step father's birthday and I also got him a birthday card...

I wrote both cards then slipped them into and sealed the envelopes...my mother came into the room and, embarrassed about the Valentines card I hid them both down the side of my chair...

Soon I managed to retrieve them and with the cards already sealed in their white envelopes I addressed them then slipped them in the post...

Next day one dropped through the letter box addressed to my stepfather. My mother picked it up and left it for him to open when he got home from work...

Course he opened it and out came a Valentine's card with wording similar to 'My darling Valentine... the one I love.' His eyes brightened up thinking he had a secret admirer... however my mother was rather upset thinking he had a bit on the side and nearly killed him...

I never did own up to that... in fact when I saw my girlfriend that evening she nearly crowned me too... but she saw the funny side of it... popped his birthday card into a new envelope and posted it off to him...

We laughed till we nearly pee'd our drawers...

Sorry this might not be funny to you but I still laugh when I think of my innocent mistake... 

:emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 15, 2013, 12:43:13 AM
One Day Three Friends Go To A Ski Lodge And There Aren’t Enough Rooms, So They Have To Share A Bed.

In The Middle Of The Night, The Guy On The Right Wakes Up And Says: “I Had This Wild, Vivid Dream Of Getting A Hand Job!”

The Guy On The Left Wakes Up And Unbelievably He’s Had The Same Dream Too.

Then The Guy In The Middle Wakes Up And Says: “That’s Funny, I Dreamed I Was Skiing!“


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 15, 2013, 04:50:13 AM
 :emot_laughing: funny mistake... gotta love those


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 15, 2013, 07:04:49 AM
Great one, Jem! And Vinney, loved the Valentine's Day mix-up!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Partner on February 15, 2013, 01:12:01 PM
The accidental card-swap is hilarious!   :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 15, 2013, 03:10:18 PM
Original Text

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the
reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can
enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of
the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning
languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the
library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working
back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come
running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to
himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A
particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks
him what the problem is and what does he mean.
After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'.
They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 15, 2013, 04:35:15 PM
TD...  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 15, 2013, 08:12:45 PM
 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:

Becca...! That's great... (but not for the Pope)...

 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on February 15, 2013, 09:29:42 PM
Good one TD. I always wondered why god would build us equipped to fuck and then expect us to not do it..? Turns out, we got it wrong. Makes sense. :)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 15, 2013, 10:39:58 PM
Well I guess that's why he quit.... :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: grumnpy49x on February 15, 2013, 10:48:22 PM
A man walks into a bar and see a huge banner behind the bar which says enter the he-man contest and win $1,000. He goes up to the bartender and asks what the contest is all about. The bartender tells him you pay $100 and you hve to complete 3 challenges. 1 go over to the bouncer and knock him out with one punch. 2 there's an pitbull out back  with a bad tooth and you have to pull it out without knocking the dog out. 3 there's a 80 y/o virgin up stairs that you have to have intercourse with.  
 
After about 6 beers the guy goes up to the bartender slaps $100 on the bar and says I'm in.

He goes over to the bouncer and manages to knock him out with 1 punch.

Next he goes out back and everyone in the bar hear hollering, barking , growling. the guy comes back in all out of breath scratched and bitten all over and says, "OK, where's the old lady with the bad tooth?".


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Katiebee on February 15, 2013, 11:48:43 PM
That reminds me, I want to see a real macho sport in the next Olympics. Something along the lines of wild bear fucking.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 16, 2013, 12:02:07 AM
Should i feel bad for the Pitbull? lol Good one, Grumpy!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on February 16, 2013, 12:35:23 AM
That reminds me, I want to see a real macho sport in the next Olympics. Something along the lines of wild bear fucking.
Hehehe, anything but curling and bobsled.

Good one, Grumpy. Keep 'em coming!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 16, 2013, 05:20:48 AM
poor pitbull... lol  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 16, 2013, 12:36:32 PM
Oh, to be young again

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to
walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men
use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in
health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks,
"Why are there three in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one
for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are
these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for
Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a
12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for
January, one for February, one for March."



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 16, 2013, 01:43:38 PM
He couldn't tell his son that was for Miss January, Miss February, Miss March... ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 16, 2013, 01:50:21 PM
He couldn't tell his son that was for Miss January, Miss February, Miss March... ;-)

Great joke TD... but fantastic response GG... you obviously have experienced this...?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 16, 2013, 02:48:50 PM
A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her.

A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her.

A few minutes later, she waves him over again and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn."

The barman looks her up and down and says, "First off, it's bartender, not barfender. Second off, it's martini, not marhini. And third, you don't have heartburn, your boob is in the ashtray."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on February 16, 2013, 03:15:01 PM
Loved that, Vinney. You do have some of the best jokes here.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 16, 2013, 04:13:57 PM
That must be some boob! :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on February 16, 2013, 04:39:35 PM
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

===========================================================

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
==================================================================

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on February 16, 2013, 07:01:22 PM
Two drunk men are walking down the street on the hottest day of the year, sweating like crazy. They walk by a large Rottweiler licking it's balls.

"Man, I wish I could do that," said the first drunk.

"I think you'd better try petting him first," warned his friend.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 16, 2013, 07:55:17 PM
A rich man and a poor man are both buying anniversary gifts for their girlfriends.

"What are you getting your girlfriend?" asks the poor man.

And the rich man says "I'm getting her a diamond ring and a Marcedes."

"Why both?" asks the poor man.

And the rich man says "That way if she doesn't like the ring she can still enjoy the Marcedes when she returns the ring."

And then the rich man asks the poor man "What are you getting your girlfriend?"

And the poor man says "I'm buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: firework on February 16, 2013, 08:05:12 PM
I love the jokes on here, thanks everyone 4 making me laugh :)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 17, 2013, 03:27:29 AM
Janus, Vinney, hilarious shit. I'm sure someone "definitely shit [their] pants" lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 17, 2013, 06:07:06 AM
lol...  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 17, 2013, 11:49:55 AM
A Good Weigh

On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her
what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed."
So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's weight.
He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since
Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.
Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe
asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So
they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's
weight correctly.
Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round.
After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want
to get weighed!" she said again.
Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the
evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.
Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the
evening went.
"Wousy!" Rose replied.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 17, 2013, 12:42:44 PM
A man walks into a crowded local bar in Darwin brandishing a revolver yelling,
  "Who's the bastard that's been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar shouts back.

"You don't have enough ammo mate!!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 17, 2013, 12:44:29 PM
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea."

Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 17, 2013, 12:46:16 PM
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 17, 2013, 12:47:21 PM
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."

"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks,

"Bob, what are you doing?"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on February 17, 2013, 04:42:09 PM
This has probably already been submitted at one point or another but I thought I'd post it again.



If any of these describe you, you're a redneck!

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

The primary color of your car is "bondo".

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

You've ever used lard in bed.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.

You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.

The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"

You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

You've ever used a weed eater indoors.

You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You go to your family reunion to meet women.

Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.

You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You've been too drunk to fish.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".

Your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".

You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".

You've ever made change in the offering plate.

If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".

You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!

Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!

Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".

Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)

You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.

You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.

It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.

The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.

Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.

Ya can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.

You celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!

When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.

Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.

You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.

Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

You've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.

You were taught to put your underwear on yellow in front, brown behind.

You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 17, 2013, 05:37:37 PM
A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.

The father and son are in the hotel lobby when they spot an elevator.

"What's that Paw?" The boy asked.

"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" replied the father.

Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cane, waits for the doors to open and gets in.

The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.

They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.

The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on February 17, 2013, 07:17:47 PM
How do you circumcize a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 17, 2013, 09:14:38 PM
Great stuff, Vinney! But Janus, you had me cracking up like crazy! Some of those redneck jokes were too funny.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 18, 2013, 12:07:40 AM
An old one but...

(http://i.imgur.com/f0OLLEK.jpg) (http://imgur.com/f0OLLEK)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Katiebee on February 18, 2013, 01:09:52 AM
That must be some boob! :P
Or a short, well endowed woman.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Katiebee on February 18, 2013, 01:29:57 AM
An older married couple decided to take a Caribbean cruise. On the first day of the cruise, the wife's hearing aid batteries ran down, and she discovered that she didn't bring any spares. So she decided she could make do without the hearing aid for the duration of the cruise.

That first night the husband was standing in their stateroom, a small room which could only accommodate a bunk bed. He turned to his wife who had just come out of the bathroom in her nightgown. "Well honey, up or down?" he asked her.

Her eyes got wide, and she ripped off her nightgown, pulled him to the bottom bunk and proceeded to give him the most enthusiastic and passionate sex of their 30 plus year marriage. He was incredulous but very happy.

The next night he looked at his wife, and tentatively asked her the same question, "Up or down." His wife repeated the the same actions as the night before. The husband was quite surprised and very satisfied, so he repeated the question for the next 4 nights of the cruise.

When the couple got home on the 7th day, the wife replaced the batteries in her hearing aid and joined her husband by the TV.

He turned to her and asked, "Dear, what was it about the voyage that turned you on so much?"

"What you said," she replied.

"That's what I don't understand," he said. "All I asked was which bunk bed you wanted, up or down?"

"OH," she sighed, obviously relieved. "I thought you said, 'Fuck or drown.'"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on February 18, 2013, 03:26:30 AM
An old one but...

(http://i.imgur.com/f0OLLEK.jpg) (http://imgur.com/f0OLLEK)
Perhaps my favorite one yet. Great post.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 18, 2013, 06:42:41 AM
lol Katie, "Fuck or drown", good one! ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 18, 2013, 07:04:53 AM
fuck or drown...  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watcher1 on February 18, 2013, 02:45:46 PM

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text..............
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me
your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send
me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."


 

He replied........"I'm taking a crap. What should I do?"
 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Katiebee on February 18, 2013, 03:52:04 PM
Bit, he sure ruined the mood.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 18, 2013, 04:17:46 PM
That's a man for you Katiebee, don't know when to stop when they're ahead.  All he had to say was "I love you too."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 18, 2013, 06:58:08 PM
oh shit... wait what!!!  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on February 18, 2013, 07:11:13 PM
Probably already posted a long time ago...

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. "I'll make you a bet," he says to the bartender.

"Oh yeah?"

"I'll bet you two thousand bucks I can piss in this empty glass from five feet away, fill it exactly to the brim, and I won't spill a drop." He pulled out a briefcase with stacks of twenty dollar bills.

The bartender counted, nodding. "You're on."

The man put the glass on the bar, stood up on the bar, walked at least five feet away, unzipped his pants and began to piss everywhere, all over the bar, the floor, the walls... everywhere except the glass.

The bartender roared with laughter, counting his winnings. "You crack me up, buddy. How the fuck do you get by making such stupid bets?"

The man gestured to some angry looking men sitting in the back. "I bet those men over there ten thousand dollars I could piss all over your bar, and you would just laugh."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 18, 2013, 08:15:47 PM
A girl was walking home from school and saw a group of boys. The boys stopped her to ask if she would help them climb up the tree to get their kite for them so she did.

She went home and told her mother about it and she burst in anger at her foolishness.

"Don't ever do that again!" She shouted and the girl replied "but why?"

And the mother explains "because dirty boys only want to look at your underwear when you climb up the tree." The daughter shook her head and went to bed.

The next day she walked the same path home and saw the same group of boys. Again they asked her to get their kite for them and again she did then went home and told her mother about incident.

Her mother again burst in anger saying "I thought I told you not to do that. Dirty boys only want to look at your undies" and the girl replies "but mommy, I was smart this time because this time I wasn't wearing any undies."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 18, 2013, 09:08:09 PM
Now that's the kind of smarts i like! ;-) lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 19, 2013, 11:55:57 AM
A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.

The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."

"And?" prompted the doctor.

"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick."

"It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watcher1 on February 19, 2013, 02:37:47 PM
THE TRIP TO ITALY

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean; but just before she could
throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we
are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always
wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but
comfortable compartment in the ship’s hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a
bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He
brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watcher1 on February 20, 2013, 04:55:48 PM
Spanish Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
 
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins.'  


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on February 20, 2013, 05:31:08 PM
Both really damn good, Watcher.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: licksnkissez on February 20, 2013, 06:13:02 PM
Spanish Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
 
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins.'  

Woo for the bull!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 20, 2013, 06:22:03 PM
*gag*  You can have my order Watcher. 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 20, 2013, 10:16:40 PM
Spanish Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
 
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins.'  

OMG....  0vomit0 :emot_rotf:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Katiebee on February 20, 2013, 10:36:54 PM

Either way you look at it, .....  Eeeeewwwwwww!

 :emot_sick:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 21, 2013, 07:02:04 AM
"Sometimes the bull wins"... OUCH!!!
lol Watcher, you've illicted more than a few responses to that one. :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: RopeFiend on February 22, 2013, 09:42:45 AM

I have 'restless leg' syndrome...

... I can't stop jerking my middle leg.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Partner on February 22, 2013, 01:09:31 PM
This thread is quickly becoming a part of the morning routine.   :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 22, 2013, 03:35:16 PM

I have 'restless leg' syndrome...

... I can't stop jerking my middle leg.

Lol.. roflmao


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 22, 2013, 11:06:03 PM
Spanish Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
 
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins.'  

 :o Oh fucking bollocks...!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 22, 2013, 11:06:53 PM

I have 'restless leg' syndrome...

... I can't stop jerking my middle leg.

Lol.. roflmao

You and me too...  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on February 23, 2013, 09:06:32 AM
RopeFiend and Katiebee both fucking crack me up all the time. Seriously, they need their own thread where they just say funny shit and rip on people.  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 23, 2013, 01:42:38 PM
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on February 23, 2013, 03:11:55 PM
You outdid yourself on that one vinney.   :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on February 23, 2013, 04:58:54 PM
RopeFiend and Katiebee both fucking crack me up all the time. Seriously, they need their own thread where they just say funny shit and rip on people.  :emot_laughing:

I would read that thread daily too.....

Vinney that was awesome.....


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Katiebee on February 24, 2013, 02:55:48 AM
RopeFiend and Katiebee both fucking crack me up all the time. Seriously, they need their own thread where they just say funny shit and rip on people.  :emot_laughing:
we'd need really great straight men to do that.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 25, 2013, 12:13:43 AM
A priest is giving confession but he drank a little too much communion wine before hand and had to piss really bad. So when the next guy was done with his confession the priest asked him, "Would you mind sitting in for me while I piss?"

The man being a pleasant soul said sure no problem. So the priest showed the man a list of sins and the corresponding penances to go along with them. So the man was pretty secure that he had things under control.

The man was going along giving away Our Fathers, Hail Mary's, Rosaries and everything was going good. Then a lady came in said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

So the man looked on his list for Blowjob but couldn't find it. He crossed reference it with Head, Sucked Dick, and Oral Sex but couldn't find a penance.

So he asked an Altar Boy, "Hey, what does the priest give for a blowjob?"

To which the kid replied, "He usually gives us two candy bars and a soda pop."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 25, 2013, 12:56:31 AM
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him….

“You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

“Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,

“Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!”

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “Remember that blow job I promised you?”

“Well, here it comes!”


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on February 25, 2013, 01:05:38 AM
 :emot_laughing: Good one Vinney.......


Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One.
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 25, 2013, 04:05:10 AM
:emot_laughing: Good one Vinney.......


Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One.
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

So WHAT,  Its Fucking true.... So WHAT, we FUCKING PMS like a FUCKING BITCH.... *smiles SWEETLY* did I forget something... oh yeah... you still love us... lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 25, 2013, 04:07:25 AM
Good one Vinnie ....  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on February 25, 2013, 05:07:24 AM
Very true latina....We still love ya all.......


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: UmmOkay on February 25, 2013, 07:17:27 AM
Q: What does an Olympic silver medalist and a priest have in common?


A: They both came in a little behind.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Partner on February 26, 2013, 02:10:51 AM
:emot_laughing: Good one Vinney.......


Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One.
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

So WHAT,  Its Fucking true.... So WHAT, we FUCKING PMS like a FUCKING BITCH.... *smiles SWEETLY* did I forget something... oh yeah... you still love us... lol

 :emot_laughing:  Well played, both of you.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on February 26, 2013, 04:30:25 AM
Q: What does an Olympic silver medalist and a priest have in common?


A: They both came in a little behind.

Good one, bro. I like the quickies.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 26, 2013, 05:08:03 AM
Q: What does an Olympic silver medalist and a priest have in common?


A: They both came in a little behind.

Good one, bro. I like the quickies.

you can't go wrong with a quickie!!!  ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Hoss on February 27, 2013, 10:55:20 PM
Here are a few to kick off a new day....

Son said to Dad “I'm  Gay.”
Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”
Other son said “Me too Dad.”
Dad said “Fuck me, doesn't anyone in this fucking family like pussy?”
The Daughter said “I do…”
 
10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter  says “If any of you are Paedophiles you can f**k off down to Hell.”
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “And take this deaf bastard with you.”
 
 
In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a  good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”
I said “Sorry mate.  Did he drown?”
“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”
 
 
 
 
My mate reckons he always cries after sex.  Mind you....he is in Prison.
 
 
The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you?”
I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.”
 
 
Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club.  He Looked like a woman.  Smelled like a  woman.  Danced like a woman.  Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…! That's when I thought “Fucking hell...wait a minute…”


I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn't  stop laughing. …then said,
“That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said.  “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."
 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on February 27, 2013, 11:14:37 PM
Good ones Hoss... :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: UmmOkay on February 27, 2013, 11:19:21 PM
There once was a newly-wed couple on vacation down in Florida and on of the days they decided to play golf. They were doing alright and having fun until the sixth hole when the husband slices his ball and they hear a large crash. They immediately went to the source and knocked on the door of a condo with a broken window. A man answers the door wearing nothing but boxers and behind him they can see a golf ball and a broken vase. They immediately start apologizing profusely and the man stops them and says, "No I should thank you, you see I am a genie and have been stuck in that vase for hundreds of years, and in return I offer you three wishes." The couple thinks it over and makes wishes for money, cars, and a home. Each time they wished for something the genie would snap his fingers and say, "your wish has been granted." After granting their wishes the genie says, "now that I have given you all these nice things, could you grant me a wish?" The couple accepts and the genie asks if he can sleep with the wife. The husband and wife agree as he has given them all of their wants and needs and the genie takes the wife to the bedroom and makes love to her. After they are done the genie asks the wife, "How old is your husband?" and she replies "27." To which the genie says "and he still believes in genies?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: kevintx on February 27, 2013, 11:46:28 PM
A pirate walks into a bar, wearing the ship's wheel in his mid-section.
He awkwardly takes a seat at the bar, his eyebrow furrowed above his eyepatch and a frown stretching his waxed mustache.
The bartender notices the strangely attired new customer and makes his way to that end of the counter. "What can I get ya, pal?"
The pirate eyes the bartender evenly and slaps his hand upon the lacquered wood. "I'll have a pint, mate!"
The bartender nods, grabs a mug and holds it under the running tap while watching the pirate closely. He slides the glass across the counter and the pirate extends his hook, grabbing the mug's handle with a "clink." He then asks the pirate in a slightly nervous voice, "Hey, you realize you have a ship's wheel protruding from your zipper, right?"
The pirate takes a huge swig of the beer, shifts his eye to the bartender and nods. He slams the mug down and slides it back to the bartender, proclaiming loudly, "Aye, and it's drivin' me nuts!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Da
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 28, 2013, 02:31:56 AM
Great stuff, Hoss! And the pirate joke was hilarious, too.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watcher1 on February 28, 2013, 03:07:03 PM
  For all my Irish friends....


At  the Irish wedding reception, the D.J. yelled...



"I want all the married men to please stand next to the one person who
has made your life worth living."


The  bartender was almost crushed to death, but is expected to survive.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TheciaMarie on February 28, 2013, 04:11:52 PM


Subject: Fwd: Men Teaching Classes for Women

Men Teaching Classes

for Women at

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By March 10th, 2013

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED

TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer -

How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down,

or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart

Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--

Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly

Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials

and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without

14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!

--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes,

Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

 

 

Class 11

Learning to Live--

How to Apply Brakes Without

Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on February 28, 2013, 04:17:14 PM
Good one  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on February 28, 2013, 06:21:47 PM
Great ones, hilarious! You'll need the luck of the Irish to survive teaching that class! lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on February 28, 2013, 10:18:48 PM
Great jokes, Thecia. Woo.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on March 01, 2013, 02:07:33 PM
One dark night in the small town of Wheelabarraback , W.A,  a fire started inside the local sausage  factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in  flames. The alarm went out to all the fire  departments for miles  around.
 
 
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will  donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings  them out and delivers them to  me.'
 
 
But  the roaring flames held the firefighters off.  Soon more fire departments had to be called in  because the situation became desperate. As the  firemen arrived, the  president  shouted out that the offer to extricate the  secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire  department that could save  them.
 
 Suddenly  from up the road, a lone siren was heard as  another fire truck came into  sight.  It  was the fire engine of the  nearby Kikatinalong  Volunteer  Fire Department composed mainly of Aboriginal  firefighters over the age of  65.
 
 
To  everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire  engine, operated by these Aboriginal  firefighters, passed  the  fire  engines parked outside the plant, and drove  straight into the middle of the inferno.  Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement  as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and  began to fight the fire as if they were fighting  to save their own lives.. Within a short time,  the Kickatinalong  old timers had  extinguished the fire and saved the secret  recipes.
 
 
The  grateful sausage company president joyfully  announced that for such a superhuman  accomplishment he was raising the reward to  $200,000, and walked over to personally thank  each of the brave elderly Aboriginal  firefighters.
 
 
A  TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event  on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked  the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you  going to do with all that  money?'

'Well,'  said Chief Billy Woomerra, the 70-year-old  fire chief, 'de furst ting we gonnna do is fix  dem brakes on dat fuckin'  fire  truck!!'


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TheciaMarie on March 01, 2013, 03:37:59 PM
  Italian Pregnancy

  An 18 year old Italian girl tells her

  Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months..
  Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
  pregnancy kit.
  The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
  Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
  'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
  The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

  Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
  A mature and distinguished man with
  gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out
  of a Ferrari and enters the house.

  He sits in the living room with the
  father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

  'Good morning, your daughter has
  informed me of the problem’.
  ‘I can't marry her because of my
  personal family situation but I'll take charge.
  I will pay all costs and provide for
  your daughter for the rest of her life.

  Additionally, if a girl is born, I will
  bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
  a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000
  bank account..

  If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple
  of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

  If twins, they will receive a factory and
  $2,000,000 each..

  However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

  At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a
  shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's
  shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him

  "Youa gonna try again!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on March 01, 2013, 03:57:30 PM
OH MY!!!  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 01, 2013, 04:56:04 PM
Nice, that was pretty damn funny.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 01, 2013, 07:45:51 PM
Yeah, they better fix the breaks on that fuckin' firetruck! lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on March 02, 2013, 12:30:43 AM
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.

So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.

"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.

After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.

"What do I do?" he asks.

His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.

A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.

"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.

"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on March 02, 2013, 12:32:09 AM
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse and soon she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and told her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" asked the nurse. "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back" said the doctor.

7 months later the doctor's wife called him at the office and said that he had received a strange postcard from Europe. When the doctor arrived home that evening, he read the card and immediately collapsed onto the floor with a heart attack.

While the paramedics were preparing to rush him to the hospital, one asked the wife what had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

Still mystified, she picked up the card and read; "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti--two with sausage and meatballs, and two without."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on March 02, 2013, 12:33:07 AM
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.

After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 02, 2013, 12:36:44 AM
Damn, he sure was virule to impregnate her with four orders of spaghetti [two with sausuge and meatballs ;-) ] lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: UmmOkay on March 02, 2013, 02:25:40 AM
So my girlfriend asked me what a double entendre was....so I gave it to her.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on March 02, 2013, 12:36:21 PM
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: licksnkissez on March 02, 2013, 03:46:00 PM
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/420224_10151471699958151_1121917699_n.jpg)

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on March 02, 2013, 04:33:21 PM
One could say... 'aw shit!'... but I won't... good one though Licks...  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on March 02, 2013, 08:13:06 PM
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."

Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.

"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"


Title: Taking the Pistorius
Post by: jimmytin on March 02, 2013, 11:51:08 PM
This Oscar Pistorius story is all a bit strange, isn't it?  There must
definitely be more to it.  He seemed so happy just the other day, he had
such a spring in his step...



His lawyer's got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like
Pistorius hasn't got a leg to stand on.
 


Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine's
Day he had to take her out.
 


Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished
responsibility.  He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.
 


Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he's a front
runner  at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.
 


Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his
Valentine's Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.


New Valentine's Day card: "Roses are red, violets are glorious.  Never creep
up On Oscar Pistorius."


Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one is
like taking a shot in the dark.


Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.
Otherwise, the Oscar goes to........................Jail !!
 
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely
acquits him of his girlfriend's murder................ Footprints!
 


She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the
limbs.


I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when he
gets released... Bam! President of South Africa. That's how it works over
there, right?
 


When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able-bodied athletes,
who OJ Simpson?
 


Surely Oscar Pistorius isn't the first man to wake up legless during
Valentine's night, then shoot all over his partner whilst imagining she's
somebody else?
 


First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think
Nike should start telling their athletes " Just Don't Do It."
 


Hollywood are doing his life story; it's now going to be called Blade
Gunner.
 


If found guilty he's gonna have to take it on the shin.

And finally,

Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Katiebee on March 03, 2013, 01:42:14 AM
Enough! Or you will be facing capital punishment.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Partner on March 03, 2013, 02:27:41 AM
I like the new guy already.   :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on March 03, 2013, 01:11:23 PM
Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home, "will I have to go home and come back now?” he ask.

The woman says, "unbutton your shirt." he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” as she processes his social security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, "you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."


 



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on March 03, 2013, 01:12:20 PM
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 03, 2013, 01:43:26 PM
Hehehe, I like the granny one TD. Woo.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on March 03, 2013, 04:41:51 PM
Way to go grandma.... lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 03, 2013, 10:48:27 PM
DAMN YOU, ICE CREAM TRUCK, DAMN YOU! lol
I also loved the bagpipe player joke, some really good stuff.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on March 04, 2013, 11:10:26 AM
Do women have it better?

It seems that God was just about done creating the universe. The Lord had a couple of leftovers in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to urinate while standing up. "It can be very handy," God explained to Adam and Eve. "Would either of you like that ability?"

Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! It seems the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please, Lord, let me have that ability. I would be forever grateful."

Eve just smiled and shook her head at Adam's display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, then she really wouldn't mind if he were the one given the ability to urinate while standing up.

And so, the Lord gave Adam the ability to urinate while standing up. Then, He looked back into his bag of leftover gifts. "Now, what have we here? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..."



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 04, 2013, 03:50:48 PM
Nice. Yes, smart Eve, writing your name in the snow is fun, but not THAT fun...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on March 04, 2013, 05:07:27 PM
That was a great one TD.......LMAO. And also felt a little sad, Adam screwed it up for us dudes....Hahahaha

Good find

Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: licksnkissez on March 04, 2013, 09:23:45 PM
A Lady enters a Tax office. The Tax man says "Before we begin I need to ask your occupation?" The woman says, "I'm a prostitute." The Tax man says, "I can't put that down. Let's try to rephrase that." The Woman says, "OK I'm a call girl." The Tax man says, "No, that won't work either." They both think and the woman says, "I know. I'm a chicken farmer." The Tax Man asks "What does chicken farming have to do with a prostitute?" "Well" says the woman, "I raised a thousand little peckers last year." Tax man says, "Chicken Farmer it is."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on March 04, 2013, 09:52:04 PM
Do women have it better?

It seems that God was just about done creating the universe. The Lord had a couple of leftovers in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to urinate while standing up. "It can be very handy," God explained to Adam and Eve. "Would either of you like that ability?"

Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! It seems the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please, Lord, let me have that ability. I would be forever grateful."

Eve just smiled and shook her head at Adam's display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, then she really wouldn't mind if he were the one given the ability to urinate while standing up.

And so, the Lord gave Adam the ability to urinate while standing up. Then, He looked back into his bag of leftover gifts. "Now, what have we here? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..."



jajajajajaja.... :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 04, 2013, 11:14:51 PM
Chicken farmer... Good one!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Hoss on March 05, 2013, 04:22:40 AM
Wife - "Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be finished golf by midday!"

Husband - "I'm really sorry darling...but you don't want to hear the reason."

Wife - "I want the absolute truth, and I want it NOW!"

Husband - "Ok , We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button. On the way home, I spotted a young girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a second and then she's offered me money. Of course I refused it - Then she tells me she is headed to the hotel - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the hotel less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while touching me on the wand !!. Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying ......talking stopped....and we had sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth....now you've got it."
Wife - "Bullshit , You lying prick , you played 36 holes, didn't you!"   ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Hoss on March 05, 2013, 04:27:07 AM

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy." ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on March 05, 2013, 05:07:23 AM
OMG... love it...  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 05, 2013, 05:34:53 AM
Paddy is about to score big. ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on March 05, 2013, 05:01:42 PM
One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bedsheets to air them out, when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge, plummeting to her death.. "Oh, shit!" the woman thought, "what a stupid way to die." Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into the air, catching the woman.

Delirious from shock, the woman shouted "Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!" The man replied "Do you suck?" Stunned at this, the woman said "No, I don't suck!" And with that, the man let go of her in the air. "Shit!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again. Suddenly, another set of man's arms grabbed her on the 9th floor. "Thank God!" she screamed. " I would have died except that!"

The man asked "Do you fuck?" Absolutely aghast at the question, the woman answered "No, I don't fuck!" Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there. Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set of arms stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted "I suck! I fuck!"

"Slut..." the man said....and dropped her.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on March 05, 2013, 05:11:04 PM
These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on March 05, 2013, 05:12:20 PM
A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colours of my favourite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."

The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"

The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"

The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"

She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, it feels good!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on March 05, 2013, 05:13:09 PM
Two out of work Polish bums decided that they would be better
off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride.

The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district.

A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy, would
you like a hand job?"

The bum shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said,
"Hey guy,would you like a blow job?"

The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said,
"We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10
minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 05, 2013, 05:55:38 PM
I loved those, Vinney.

What does an 80 year old woman's pussy taste like?

Depends...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 06, 2013, 08:58:40 AM
Great jokes, Vinney! I'm sure the Blonde will be all right... :P The bums joke was funny, too.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on March 06, 2013, 11:39:42 AM

Virus Warnings

CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

 VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus)
Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").

DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy :}
 
PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.

LORETTA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 06, 2013, 11:46:28 AM
Hilarious, TD! You are awesome!!!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on March 06, 2013, 11:57:05 AM
Hilarious, TD! You are awesome!!!

Agreed...! Funtastic...!  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 06, 2013, 03:51:46 PM
Three makes it official: TD got a good one there.  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TheciaMarie on March 06, 2013, 06:13:52 PM




Ol' Naval Aviator
A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking
of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano
Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver, flying
off carriers back in ' Nam ', but when they retired the Phantom all
the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to
play the piano at Officer's Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but
it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was
falling off. So, why not give him a try.

The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several
patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music,
every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in
the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name
of the song he had just played.

It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For
You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he
said "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player
just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that
had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot
acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the
crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the
room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of
his song, "Spread em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See
The Center Line", excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly
boy, the job is yours; but, do you know your fly is open and your
pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?", the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watasch on March 06, 2013, 06:17:28 PM
Back in the day...I knew guys who fit the description of that old fighter pilot.  Good memory joke!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 06, 2013, 06:51:36 PM
Awesome piano player joke!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: redhatlover on March 06, 2013, 07:43:02 PM
I knew a few army guys like that!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on March 06, 2013, 08:48:53 PM
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."

"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis which now had a button sewed on the tip.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on March 07, 2013, 05:11:15 AM
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."

"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis which now had a button sewed on the tip.

jajajajaja    :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on March 07, 2013, 12:33:18 PM
Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great!
"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"
Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.
It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on March 07, 2013, 01:53:46 PM
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.

Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter

Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.

Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 07, 2013, 04:11:59 PM
Loved those, Janus. That was awesome. Woo.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on March 07, 2013, 04:20:47 PM
Loved those, Janus. That was awesome. Woo.

Spank you kindly my good man...Oh I mean thank you kindly....LOL


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: galaxybounce on March 07, 2013, 04:34:37 PM
Those feed-punch jokes reminded me of one. Might be lost on people not from my part of the world but I'll give it a shot.

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock up an arsehole.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on March 07, 2013, 05:08:39 PM
 :emot_laughing:

Nice.......


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on March 07, 2013, 06:09:23 PM
Great set of jokes Janus... a laugh a line... WOO...  :emot_laughing:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: insatiable on March 07, 2013, 08:24:32 PM
Those feed-punch jokes reminded me of one. Might be lost on people not from my part of the world but I'll give it a shot.

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock up an arsehole.

In US, the punch line would be "You cant marmalade your head up your ass."  ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on March 09, 2013, 11:29:12 AM
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.

‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.

‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’

‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it, give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’

It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’

‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor…

‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’

‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’

‘Freakin’ jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on March 09, 2013, 11:30:23 AM
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

 The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story is:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 09, 2013, 01:52:31 PM
Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great!
"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"
Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.
It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!"


Must have missed that one. Woo TD!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 09, 2013, 05:10:06 PM
LOVE the horse and Mercedes joke! And i guess i missed TD's old lady joke, too, hilarious! ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on March 09, 2013, 05:37:30 PM

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.

Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.

Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions.

Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!

Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.

Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.

Q. What�s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.

Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!

Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy

Q. Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.

Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating...

Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew (two can chew).

Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fucking time.

Q. Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?
A. A pounding sensation in the ass.

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged

Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom's apple pie.

Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.

Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They're going to call her Old Spice.

Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt

Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
A. So they don't whistle on the way down.

Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?

Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.

Q. Why can't women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.

Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Q. Why do women prefer old gynaecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!

Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.

Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.

Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm "Jersey"

Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
A. Potpourri

Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
A. You don't look down.

Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.

Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.

Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.

Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo

Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times.

Q. What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore's fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.

Q. Did ya hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It works by changing your blood type!!

Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A. Toys for Twats

Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
A. None It should be open when she brings it to you

Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip!

Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
A. Miracle whip.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.

Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.

Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls

Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.

Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.

Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on March 09, 2013, 06:16:07 PM
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument   about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 10, 2013, 01:52:47 AM
Janus, those quickies are awesome, man. Woo.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on March 10, 2013, 06:03:35 AM
Janus, those quickies are awesome, man. Woo.

Thanks dude........I found a pretty cool site. It's like the dirty joke motherload...LOL


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on March 10, 2013, 12:57:40 PM

Eleven Ways that E-mail is Like a Penis

11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

 10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call e-mail Envy.

7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

 6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the # 1 reason is..

1. If you play with it too much, you go blind....


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on March 10, 2013, 02:25:48 PM
Now THAT was funny....


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 10, 2013, 03:25:34 PM
GREAT one, TD! I'm sending that to all my friends.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: UmmOkay on March 11, 2013, 12:28:24 AM
Anal sex...it's not for pussies

Just a quickie :)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on March 11, 2013, 12:50:30 AM
Well Wally gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says “Where the hell have you been?”

Wally replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”

“A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking”? She said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks any time you want.”


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: joan1984 on March 11, 2013, 01:01:26 AM
Wonderful, TD!! woo


Eleven Ways that E-mail is Like a Penis

11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

 10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call e-mail Envy.

7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

 6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the # 1 reason is..

1. If you play with it too much, you go blind....



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 11, 2013, 01:45:48 AM
Great tattoo joke, Vinney! Hilarious!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: vinney on March 11, 2013, 01:52:33 AM

Eleven Ways that E-mail is Like a Penis


And the # 1 reason is..

1. If you play with it too much, you go blind....


Where's my guide dog...? Woo Woof...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on March 11, 2013, 03:10:42 AM
Great jokes today


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: insatiable on March 11, 2013, 01:25:36 PM
Getting a bunch of e-mails daily on how to grow your penis is normal. But it starts getting worrisome when half of them are from your mum.

-Jimmy Carr


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on March 11, 2013, 01:36:22 PM
Lol, good one insatiable. 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on March 11, 2013, 08:11:16 PM
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 11, 2013, 08:17:20 PM
Yeah, that IRS will squeeze you dry, lol :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: firework on March 11, 2013, 11:38:01 PM
I have just bought some meatloaf panties...
On the front it says "I will do anything for love"
On the back, "but I won't do that"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Partner on March 11, 2013, 11:41:25 PM
I have just bought some meatloaf panties...
On the front it says "I will do anything for love"
On the back, "but I won't do that"

 :emot_laughing:  I would actually buy that for my wife.  She'd kill me for it, but I'd buy it.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 12, 2013, 12:50:13 AM
I have just bought some meatloaf panties...
On the front it says "I will do anything for love"
On the back, "but I won't do that"

Good one, firework.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 12, 2013, 02:16:59 AM
Is Meat Loaf's face on them? ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: firework on March 12, 2013, 02:43:40 AM
Not sure meatloaf is the master of horniness lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on March 12, 2013, 02:52:27 PM

Why Men Are Happier

Men are just happier people, and here's why...
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: redhatlover on March 12, 2013, 03:03:10 PM
This makes it even for the multiple orgasms!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on March 12, 2013, 03:07:28 PM
LOL....personally, I'll stick with the orgasms, thank you very much.   :emot_kiss:


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: kevintx on March 12, 2013, 06:51:37 PM
who says you can't have all that AND multiples?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Katiebee on March 12, 2013, 10:50:21 PM
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the Golf course. On Golf days, a lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'


"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Katiebee on March 12, 2013, 10:52:38 PM
Tue Mar 12, 2013 9:24 am
Four United States Presidents got caught up in a tornado - and off they whirled to the land of OZ.

They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard. "What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said "I've come for some courage."
"No Problem said the Wizard. Who' s next?"

Richard Nixon stepped forward. "Well, I think I need a heart."
"Done" says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped Bush and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."
"No problem!" said the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "Well, what do you want?"

"Is Dorothy here?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on March 12, 2013, 10:58:55 PM
OMG...Katie, that was some funny stuff.

Both you Gals had me rolling today...Wooooo's all around


Janus


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 13, 2013, 03:07:22 AM
Agreed, good jokes from the ladies today.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 13, 2013, 05:54:09 AM
Of course Bill Clinton is perfect the way he is. ;-)
And i'm worried about TD knowing us guy so well. :P A little TOO well... ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on March 13, 2013, 04:18:12 PM
Thecia sent me this one......

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".


The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."


She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest cock"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on March 13, 2013, 05:20:09 PM
That would definitely stir some mixed emotions.  :emot_laughing:





Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: DemonDelight on March 13, 2013, 05:37:52 PM
Haha, TD that was a good one. A big thanks to Thecia for sending you that!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 13, 2013, 07:37:28 PM
But obviously he doesn't know how to wield it if she's had to check out all his friends' cocks...lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Jem on March 14, 2013, 06:59:00 AM
The Italian Lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear....."No, I Norwegian."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 14, 2013, 07:01:46 AM
Language barriers... *shaking my head* lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on March 14, 2013, 01:00:32 PM
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 14, 2013, 04:05:21 PM
Hehehe, these are some good ones...


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on March 15, 2013, 02:15:34 PM
From the Washington Post Style Invitation:
It was postulated that English, like many foreign languages, should have male and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason. Here are the best submissions:

ZIPLOC BAGS - Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Also because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed and it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - Female, (Ha! You thought I'd say male). But consider: it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.




Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 15, 2013, 05:02:11 PM
Great stuff as usual, TD. Thanks for the laugh today.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Partner on March 15, 2013, 09:34:45 PM
So many jokes, I'm afraid of repeating one...

A sadist and a masochist strike up a solid relationship and, over the years, decide that they would make for a great match, given their sexual tastes.  They eventually get married and head off to their honeymoon.

When they reach their room and settle in, the masochist strips down and flops out on the bed with a huge grin, saying "Go ahead, hurt me!" to the sadist.

The sadist ponders for a second, and with crossed arms, replies "No." and leaves the room.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 15, 2013, 11:51:46 PM
LOL, that one got me GOOD! Woo Partner!

Sounds like me and Katiebee (except the whole marriage part).


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Katiebee on March 15, 2013, 11:55:48 PM
Ooooo, psychological sadism. That's my favorite.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: watcher1 on March 16, 2013, 06:14:20 PM
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again,” A prostitute, Daddy!'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said "a Protestant.” Come here and give yer old Dad a hug...

 

 


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 16, 2013, 08:13:04 PM
Top 'o the mornin' to ya, Watcher! Good one, woo.


Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?

Would you want everyone to know you were fucking a chicken?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: DemonDelight on March 16, 2013, 11:12:21 PM
Top 'o the mornin' to ya, Watcher! Good one, woo.


Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?

Would you want everyone to know you were fucking a chicken?

Haha, that's a good one Fish


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 17, 2013, 03:08:06 AM
Loved the prostitute joke. It reminded me of this movie Hexed. The guy called the woman a murderess.
"What did you call me?!?"
"A murderes."
"Oh, i thought you called me a Methodist."
lol



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on March 17, 2013, 02:26:03 PM
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
my life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
Toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and
the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."




Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 17, 2013, 04:14:09 PM
 :emot_laughing: GREAT start to my St. Paddy's Day, TD!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 18, 2013, 12:39:39 AM
 :emot_laughing: hahahahaha! Love me some Irish jokes! Woo!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: DemonDelight on March 20, 2013, 07:23:37 AM
President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier then says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"

Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day"

Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”

“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check."

"So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”

Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 20, 2013, 08:05:07 AM
lol That was cruel, but way funny!!!!! :P


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: tangent69 on March 20, 2013, 11:13:00 AM
Little Jimmy is laid in his bed one night, and he hears his mammy squeal.   He gets out of bed and walks to his parents room and pushes the door open.   He sees his dad on top of his mammy giving her a good fucking and hears his mammy's squeals up close.

"DADDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MAMMY!!!!"  yells Little Jimmy

His dad just looks at him, laughs and throws a pillow at Jimmy and tells him to go back to bed.

A little while later, Mam and Dad hear strange noises from down the hallway.  They go to investigate.

They see Jimmy's door is open and his bed is empty.  But the bedroom next door is open...they walk in.....and are greeted with the site of Jimmy humping the shit out of Grandma!!!

"JIMMY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!!" yells Dad

Jimmy looks at his dad and says "Ahhhh not so fucking funny when it's your Mam is it!!"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on March 20, 2013, 01:46:50 PM
Presidents on a sinking ship!

Ford says: "What do we do?"
Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan says: "What lifeboats?"
Carter says: "Women first!"
Nixon says: "Screw the women!"
Clinton says: "You think we have time?"



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on March 20, 2013, 01:47:40 PM
I met a fairy today. She said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"
"You crafty little bastard," said the fairy.




Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on March 20, 2013, 01:50:32 PM
Tangent, that was a good one about Grandma.

TD what a great one about the fairy. LMAO


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: redhatlover on March 20, 2013, 02:28:40 PM
I met a fairy today. She said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"
"You crafty little bastard," said the fairy.




That's about right!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 20, 2013, 08:11:45 PM
Loved the ex-Presidents joke. The fairy joke was funny, too, TD.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 22, 2013, 03:15:56 PM
Loved them all, keep them coming!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on March 22, 2013, 03:32:24 PM
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
==================================================================



A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 22, 2013, 05:02:16 PM
Hairspray for a hard on... What will they think of next...? lol


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TheciaMarie on March 22, 2013, 06:33:58 PM
Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3,  6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1, 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your 
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 
15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put 
in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound 
interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 22, 2013, 06:39:59 PM
 :emot_laughing: WOO!

As an alcoholic, that fucking killed me. GREAT joke.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 22, 2013, 09:19:10 PM
I was waiting to see where that one was heading, heehee ;-)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on March 24, 2013, 06:45:46 PM

Q. What's the definition of eternity?
A. The time between when you cum and she leaves.

Q. What's gray, sits at the bed and takes the piss?
A. A kidney dialysis machine.



Q. Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be hell.

Q. What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?"
A. A blind person with a rubix cube.

Q. Why did God invent yeast infection?
A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.

Q. Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?
A. They went outside to exchange blows.

Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
A. He came home shit faced.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
A. An itchy cock.

Q. Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
A. Women who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q. Why are roach clips called roach clips?
A. Because "pot holder" was already taken.

Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...

Q. Why do women have arms?
A. Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why don't Canadians have group sex?
A. Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.

Q. Why are hangovers better than women?
A. Hangovers will go away.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. What's the difference between a 'Spice Girls' video and a porn video?
A. The porn video has better music!

Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend?
A. You can drop her off where ever you want!

Q. What is the difference between Iraq's air force and the United States' Air Force?
A. The U.S. pilots break ground and fly into the wind.

Q. What is the difference between growing old and growing up?
A. Growing old is mandatory.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on March 25, 2013, 12:27:01 PM
A female brain cell was lost one day, and found itself inside a man’s head. Looking around, she saw that it was all very dark and empty. She started to get a little afraid, so she called out nervously, “Is anyone here?” With the only thing coming back to her being was the echo of her own voice; she called a little louder, “Can anyone hear me?” Still there was no response. By now the female brain cell was quite frightened and she called out loudly again, “IS THERE ANYONE HERE!” From far away she heard a little voice reply, “Hello, were all down here…”



Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on March 25, 2013, 12:27:50 PM
What is the difference between northern and southerner fairytales?

Northerner starts off with "Once upon a time...." a southerner starts with "listen to this shit..."




Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 25, 2013, 01:43:34 PM
TD's first joke was payback for Janus'. :P lol Good stuff, TD, Janus!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on March 25, 2013, 02:48:13 PM
Hahaha, that was a good one......


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: RopeFiend on March 25, 2013, 08:07:45 PM
(http://i50.tinypic.com/24vtfnc.png)


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Latina on March 25, 2013, 08:25:28 PM

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TheciaMarie on March 25, 2013, 08:30:39 PM
A female brain cell was lost one day, and found itself inside a man’s head. Looking around, she saw that it was all very dark and empty. She started to get a little afraid, so she called out nervously, “Is anyone here?” With the only thing coming back to her being was the echo of her own voice; she called a little louder, “Can anyone hear me?” Still there was no response. By now the female brain cell was quite frightened and she called out loudly again, “IS THERE ANYONE HERE!” From far away she heard a little voice reply, “Hello, were all down here…”


Correction Becca, take it from a Texan..the words should be, "Ya'all ani't gonna believe this shit"


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Fish on March 26, 2013, 01:17:11 AM
(http://i50.tinypic.com/24vtfnc.png)

LOL, great joke RF. You too, Latina and TD.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 26, 2013, 07:29:12 AM
Loved your joke, LaTina!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: TinyDancer on March 26, 2013, 12:42:29 PM
Comedy Porn Titles


20,000 Legs Under the Sea


2002: A Sex Odyssey


A Clockwork Orgy


A Penile Action


A Tale of Two Titties


All Hands On Dick


Anus the Menace


Ass Ventura: Smut Detective


Battlestar Orgasmica


Beverly Hills Cock


Black Men Can Hump


Bone Alone


Bonfire Of The Panties


Buffy the Vampire Layer


Butch Lesbian and the Lapdance Kid


Cliff Banger


Coo-Coo for CoCo Cocks


Crocodile Dun-Me


Cum to Drink of It


Cumming to America


Das Booty


Deep End With Some Lotion


Dial M for Missionary


Dickman and Throbin Hood


Dickman Forever


Dog-Style Afternoon


Doing John Malkovich


Dun-Hur


E3: The Extra-Testicle


Edward Penishands


Ejacula


Enema of the State


Erectnophobia


Flashpants: Cop a Feeling


Flesh Gordon


For Your Thighs Only


Foreskin Gump


Forrest Hump


Frisky Business


Full Metal Bikini


Ghostlusters


Gonad the Barbarian


Good Will Humping


Guess Who Came At Dinner


Hannah Does Her Sisters


Hindfeld


Honey, I Blew Everybody!


I Cream On Genie


I Reenter Mama


In RearEndence Day


Indiana Joan and the Temple of Poon


Intercourse With a Vampire


Interview With a Vibrator


Jack/Off


Jennifer Ate


Juranal Park


Jur-ass-ic Park


Lawrence of Labia


Mad Jack: Beyond Thunderbone


Malcolm XXX


Mighty Joe Schlung


Miracle on 69th Street


Missionary Impossible


Murphy's Brown


Mutiny on the Booty


Natural Born Thrillers


Night of the Giving Head


Oh Cum on Ye Faces


An Officer and a Genitalman


On Golden Blonde


Picnic at Hanging Cock


Pornochio


Pulp Friction


Pumping Irene


Regarding Hiney


Reservoir Bitches


Riding Miss Daisy


Romancing the Bone


The San Francisco 69ers vs. the Green Bay Butt Packers


Saturday Night Beaver


Saving Ryan's Privates


Screw The Right Thing


Sgt. Pecker's Lonely Heart's Club Gangbang


Sex Trek: Penetrations


Sexcalibur


Shake My Spear, I'm In Love


Sheepless in Montana


Snatch Adams


Splatman


Splendor In The Ass


Star Whores


Tailiens


Tales from the Clit


The 7" Samurai


The Bare Bitch Project


The Bitches of Madison County


The Bootyguard


The Empire Strokes Black


The Flintbones


The Fuckulty


The Horny-Mooners


The Humpback of Nasty Dames


The Hunt for Miss October


The Joy Suck Club


The Load Warrior


The Long Ranger


The Maddam's Family


The Naked Bun


The Porn Birds


The Replacement Drillers


The Rodfather


The Sexorcist


The Sixth Inch


The Slutty Professor


The Sperminator


The Talented Mr. Lickme


The Touchables


The Whore of the Worlds


The XXX Files


Thighs Wide Shut


Too Clothed For Comfort


Twin Cheeks


Wet Dreams May Come


Wetness for the Prosecution


When Harry Ate Sally


Willie Wanker and the Fudge Packing Factory


Yank My Doodle - It's A Dandy


Yo Quiero Taco Smell


You've Got Tail


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: GEMINIGUY on March 26, 2013, 02:36:13 PM
You had me cracking up!!! Hilarious list, and some of those ARE porno titles. :P Loved it!


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Janus on March 26, 2013, 03:31:32 PM
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."

=======================================================================

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"


============================================================================

This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door