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Cats Rules

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TinyDancer

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on: December 17, 2011, 09:19:47 PM
CATS RULES

I.  DOORS

Do not allow closed doors in any room.  To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame.  You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction.  Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.  After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.  This is particularly important during very cold weather; when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season.  Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

II.  CHAIRS AND RUGS

If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly.  If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug.  If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute.  When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.

III.  BATHROOMS

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I)  It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.

IV.  HELPING

If one of your humans is in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one.  This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as "hampering".  The following are the rules for "helping": (a)  When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.  You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.  (b)  For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.  (c)  For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part.  Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles.  The worker may try to distract you; ignore it.  Remember, the aim is to hamper work.  Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.  (d)  For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity),keep in mind the aim - to help!  First, sit on the paper being worked on.  When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.  When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.  After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.  (e)  When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.  They love to jump.

V.  WALKING

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human.  Especially effective places to strike are:  1)  On stairs, when they have something in their arms;  2)  In the dark; and 3)  When they first get up in the morning.  This exercise helps with improving their coordination skiills.

VI.  BEDTIME

Always sleep on the human at night.  If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat.  They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

VII.  COMPUTERS

1)  Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.  2)  Monitors are bad for human eyes.  It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food.  Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer.  For best results, stand as close to the monitor as possible.  If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat.  Look as innocent as possible.  3)  Keyboards are great to lie down on.  Make yourself as comfortable as possible.  Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too.  Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctr-alt-del.  4)  Always chase them mouse.  Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.  5)  Floppy disks make great scratching posts.  Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails



Offline WinterEchos

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Reply #1 on: December 17, 2011, 09:42:53 PM
So true on all of those points  ;D



Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #2 on: December 17, 2011, 11:59:28 PM
Yup, cats rule! You're right about all but two when it comes to my slighty 'mentally challenged' cat. She doesn't like the bathroom and when it comes to cooking she's always on my right attempting to climb the side of the stove [pesky metal, can't get her claws into it...]. She is always trying to trip me up and climbing on me like a beanstalk [i am pretty tall]. She gets jealous when i'm browsing the web on my phone. That's when she wants attention. She rubs against my hands hard trying to dislodge the phone. lol One more rule that may only apply to my crazy cat: Never go to your human when it calls you. Exception to the rule, when your human has food [for itself or for you, doesn't matter which] or if another cat is present. It is imperative that you receive ALL of your human's attention at all costs.

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant