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Author Topic: Joke of the Day  (Read 231485 times)
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TinyDancer
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« on: April 27, 2012, 05:08:48 PM »


Still A Virgin

"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"

"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."

"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
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Janus
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« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2012, 05:14:47 PM »

Thanks Becca, I needed a good lawyer joke..... emot_kiss

Especially since she and I are trying this without one. Gonna be tough. Hope our communication doesn't break down for the next 6 months.....Gonna be a lot of tongue biting so we can get all the details ironed out....

Janus
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GEMINIGUY
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« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2012, 05:29:02 PM »

Heehee, loved it. The best jokes are the shortest.
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« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2012, 06:20:18 PM »

well she sure will get screwed but probaly not the hole she is thinking.
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Late at night you are walking and you see a floating light and you think huh. You keep walking and see me just standing there blank faced.

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vinney
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Excuse me ma'am... you're sitting on my tonka toy.


« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2012, 06:35:27 PM »

Thought I posted a reply... trouble with getting old... great start to a new thread... thanks Becca...

Now for something a bit different...

Here's a little poem for you (seniors). 

Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about 'Living in the Past'.

We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
and after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches 
and while the night away.

We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags, 
come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up,
before you're too darn  old!

And not a bit of sex in there... Cry

vinney
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« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2012, 06:47:00 PM »

Continuing the theme: "The golden years have come at last I cannot see I cannot pee I can not chew I cannot screw My memory shrinks My hearing stinks No sense of smell I look like hell! My body is drooping Got trouble pooping The golden years have come at last. The golden years can kiss my ass!"
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redhatlover
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« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2012, 06:48:00 PM »

It's hard to find, for love or money;
A joke that's clean and also funny!

But the heck with clean jokes.  That's why I hang around here!!!
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coacheric
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« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2012, 08:20:51 PM »

And when you say hang, you mean.....
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vinney
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Excuse me ma'am... you're sitting on my tonka toy.


« Reply #8 on: April 28, 2012, 12:48:23 AM »

That's what he said coach...

three quickies...

Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!

Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs...?
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face


vinney

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« Last Edit: April 28, 2012, 12:51:16 PM by vinney » Logged

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vinney
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Excuse me ma'am... you're sitting on my tonka toy.


« Reply #9 on: April 28, 2012, 12:53:05 AM »

OAPS and oral sex

Two old age pensioners are having a 69.

After 5 minutes he says "Sorry luv the smell’s too bad down there - I can’t carry on."

"That’ll be my athritis" she says.

"What? I never heard of anyone having arthritis in their fanny before."

No she says "It’s in my arms and hands. . . and I can’t wipe me arse."
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vinney
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Excuse me ma'am... you're sitting on my tonka toy.


« Reply #10 on: April 28, 2012, 12:58:43 AM »

Daughters.

This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says:

"Hi, I’m Freddy. I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"

The man, slightly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave. A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says:

"Hi, I’m Jim. I’m here to see Kim. We’re gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?"

The guy, now perplexed, says yes and the two take off. Few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says:

"Hi, I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re gonna go to the show. Can she go?"

The man, now kind of annoyed says yes and the two depart. Sure enough, after few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says:
"Hi, I’m Chuck..."

and the father shot the little fucker.
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Janus
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« Reply #11 on: April 28, 2012, 05:58:20 AM »

Three old guys were sitting in the park feeding the pigeons.

The first old fellow says " Boys, it sure would be grand if I could take a normal piss in the mornings."

The second old fellow says " I see your point. I sure would like to be able to take a nice healthy crap when I get up too."

After a bit of thought the Third fellow says to his friends, "Well mates, Every morning at 5:30 I let go of a nice long piss. Then around 7:00 or so I take a large satisfying dump.

My only desire is that I would wake up before 8:30......" Cheesy

Janus
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« Reply #12 on: April 28, 2012, 11:40:41 AM »

Ahhh, the golden age... Tongue
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TinyDancer
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« Reply #13 on: April 28, 2012, 02:17:14 PM »


Things The Wife Doesn'T Use

 A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain."

The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing some much worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colours didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now."

The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?" The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"
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vinney
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Excuse me ma'am... you're sitting on my tonka toy.


« Reply #14 on: April 28, 2012, 03:19:08 PM »

That's another notch in the bedpost Ms Dancer...!  Great one...! Top of the form Becca...!

Now, about wives not using things anymore... are you doing anything later...?

vinney
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