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Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #20 on: April 29, 2012, 03:31:55 PM
Lawyer jokes i never have a problem with. :P As long as it's not like Perry Mason or The Good Wife getting eaten...

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline vinney

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Reply #21 on: April 30, 2012, 01:26:48 AM
British Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around and eventually stops at a pub to try a pint or two of English beer. He continues sight-seeing and after a while, finds himself in a very high class area. Large stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He desperately needs to go, after all those pints of beer. He sees a narrow side street with high walls surrounding an adjacent buildings, and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby who says, "You can't do that here sir!"

"I'm very sorry officer," replies the American, "but I really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah," said the bobby, "just follow me!" He leads him into the back alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby, "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured lawns, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call British Hospitality?"

"No sir", replied the bobby, "It's what we call the French Embassy."

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline vinney

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Reply #22 on: April 30, 2012, 01:33:12 AM
The Angry Passenger

An airline flight was cancelled due to a technical fault, and the check-in girl was busily re-booking a long line of weary travellers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the front of the queue, slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight, right away!"

The check-in girl replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to help you, but I've got to deal with everybody in the queue first."

The man unimpressed shouted, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without any hesitation, the check-in girl grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice clearly heard throughout the terminal.

She continued, "We have a passenger at Gate 14 WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him laughing hysterically, the man glared at the check-in girl and swore, "FUCK you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too!"

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Offline vinney

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Reply #23 on: April 30, 2012, 01:34:31 AM
A Strip Club Treat

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she decides to take him to a strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey Dave, how ya doin?"

His wife puzzled, asks if he's ever been here before?

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, the waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "Are you sure you've never been here before?".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife is furious and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her, but she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline vinney

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Reply #24 on: April 30, 2012, 01:39:19 AM
Grandpa Tries Viagra

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their kids overnight when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.

He asked the son about using one of the pills but the son said, "I don't think you should take one, as they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one. I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50 bill."

The next morning, the son found $110 under his pillow.

He said to Grandpa, "I told you the pills were $10 not $110."

"I know," said Grandpa, "The hundred is from Grandma."

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #25 on: April 30, 2012, 04:54:13 AM
The French are always getting it up the arse. ;) Loved the Viagra joke.

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Janus

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Reply #26 on: April 30, 2012, 04:59:30 AM
All very funny jokes Vinney. Thanks man. It's been a long day and tomorrow is going to be even more so. It's nice to have a chuckle when ever you can find one.

Janus



Janus

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Reply #27 on: April 30, 2012, 05:16:38 AM
One afternoon a maid told the lady of the house, where she worked, that she'd like a raise. The woman was irritated by the maid's request and asked her why she felt she deserved a salary increase.

    "Well ma'am," the made said, "there are three reasons I think I deserve a raise. The first is that I am better at ironing than you are.

    " Who told you you're better at ironing than I am?" the woman asked.
   
    "Your husband told me," the maid replied.

    "I see," the woman responded, clearly annoyed.

    The maid continued and said,"The second reason I think I deserve a raise is because I'm a better cook than you are.

    "Nonsense,"the woman said. "Who said you're a better cook than I am?"

     The maid replied,"Your husband."

    "Fine," the woman said angrily. "What's your third justification?"

    "My third reason for thinking I deserve a raise is that I'm better in bed than you," the maid answered.

    Furious, the woman said," Oh,and did my husband tell you that as well?"

    "No ma'am," the maid replied. The gardener did."

    "Oh," the wife said, getting out her checkbook. "So how much more did you say you wanted?"     8)

Janus



Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #28 on: April 30, 2012, 05:28:53 AM
It would have been easy for her to just say blackmail. Just not as much fun. ;)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline vinney

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Reply #29 on: April 30, 2012, 11:43:33 AM
Nice one Janus...

 :emot_laughing:

The gardener... he wasn't called Mellors per chance...?

vinney

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TinyDancer

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Reply #30 on: April 30, 2012, 01:36:51 PM
I knew it was the gardner all along, always wanting to plant his seed....go figure!

vinney....loved the viagra joke, thanks sugar.   :emot_kiss:



TinyDancer

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Reply #31 on: April 30, 2012, 03:41:20 PM

Deputy Sheriff

A local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.

After a series of questions that the blonde failed, the sheriff asked in desperation one final question:

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted:

"I don't know!"

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to a restaurant where some friends were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde couldn't be happier.

"It's my first day on the job, and it went great."

"I'm already working on a murder case!"



coacheric

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Reply #32 on: April 30, 2012, 03:53:43 PM
Good one Becca. Love the blond jokes



Offline vinney

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Reply #33 on: April 30, 2012, 06:10:43 PM
Can't keep a good 'un down... another great laugh from our sugar...

vinney

 :emot_laughing:

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


TinyDancer

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Reply #34 on: April 30, 2012, 06:29:49 PM
I know right?  Blondes, just gotta love 'em!



Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #35 on: April 30, 2012, 06:35:52 PM
You gotta love those blondes... :P

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


TinyDancer

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Reply #36 on: May 01, 2012, 05:17:46 PM

Different Views From Different Pews

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance:

1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for
 food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right toleft. Now, look again, It now says: HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"



coacheric

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Reply #37 on: May 01, 2012, 05:56:07 PM
Great joke becca.



Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #38 on: May 01, 2012, 06:27:12 PM
Hmmm... Never knew they were into ass... :P

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline vinney

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Reply #39 on: May 01, 2012, 06:42:20 PM
No GG... it was a donkey...

vinney

 ;D

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.