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_priapism

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Reply #3520 on: March 02, 2020, 04:07:41 PM
Albert dies suddenly and after two weeks away from him, his widow Joan, is desperate to make contact. She and Mendel the medium sit in Mendel's darkened studio.

"Albert are you there?” cries Joan.

After 20 long minutes of silence a voice calls out from the wall.  “Yes, I'm here!"

"ALBERT,  is it really you?"

"Yes, it's me!"

"How are you?"

"OK"

"What's it like over there? What  do you do all day?"

"Well, I get up at 6 o'clock and have my breakfast. Then I go out for a swim, have a rest, make love. Then I have my lunch. After lunch I have a rest then I go out for a swim come back and make love.  Then I have a quick swim, come back, and have my supper, make love, and then go to bed!”

"Is every day like that?"

"Every day, regular!"

"I don't understand, when you were alive you didn't eat regularly, never rested in the day, never made love, and never went swimming!"

"Well when I was alive I wasn't a duck."



Offline MintJulie

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Reply #3521 on: March 02, 2020, 04:10:31 PM
The life of a duck! 

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Offline staci

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Reply #3522 on: March 02, 2020, 04:30:11 PM
That quacked me up.

one of the originals


Offline msslave

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Reply #3523 on: March 04, 2020, 01:35:25 PM

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


_priapism

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Reply #3524 on: March 04, 2020, 02:41:24 PM



Offline msslave

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Reply #3525 on: March 04, 2020, 03:29:27 PM
Ah...the good ones never die :emot_laughing:

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


_priapism

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Reply #3526 on: March 08, 2020, 01:20:56 AM
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.



Offline Jed_

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Reply #3527 on: March 08, 2020, 03:06:38 AM
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.



That he is a she, lol.





_priapism

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Reply #3528 on: March 08, 2020, 07:54:25 AM
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
 
She was a  very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
 
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
 
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
 
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
 
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
 
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
 
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.
 
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
 
She quietly called him over to her..
 
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."



Offline purpleshoes

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Reply #3529 on: March 09, 2020, 01:14:55 PM
Just a heads up. Or warning.

This week started with losing an hour to the semi-annual insanity called Daylight Saving Time.

There will be a full moon this week.

The work week ends on Friday the 13th.

Good luck people. Just sayin'

PS: Don't forget to wash your hands... a lot!



Offline msslave

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Reply #3530 on: March 12, 2020, 11:13:39 PM

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


Offline MintJulie

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Reply #3531 on: March 18, 2020, 11:42:09 PM

Dan is paying the neighbor kid $10/day to pick up poop in our yard.

$30 later, the kid just now realized we don't have a dog.


#out-of-tp


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Offline msslave

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Reply #3532 on: March 19, 2020, 12:06:39 AM

Dan is paying the neighbor kid $10/day to pick up poop in our yard.

$30 later, the kid just now realized we don't have a dog.


#out-of-tp


Eweeee! :facepalm:

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


Offline watcher1

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Reply #3533 on: March 21, 2020, 07:52:45 PM

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.


Offline msslave

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Reply #3534 on: March 22, 2020, 02:36:18 AM
F**k'n Internet!  I checked before going to the grocery store...said I'd be safe with just gloves and a face mask.

LIE!!!

Everyone else had on clothes too. :facepalm:

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


Offline MintJulie

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Reply #3535 on: March 22, 2020, 03:07:47 AM
F**k'n Internet!  I checked before going to the grocery store...said I'd be safe with just gloves and a face mask.

LIE!!!

Everyone else had on clothes too. :facepalm:

hahaha   
Funny, MS

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Offline purpleshoes

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Reply #3536 on: March 22, 2020, 02:43:06 PM
F**k'n Internet!  I checked before going to the grocery store...said I'd be safe with just gloves and a face mask.

LIE!!!

Everyone else had on clothes too. :facepalm:

But I bet no one got within 6 feet of you. :D



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Reply #3537 on: March 22, 2020, 07:21:20 PM
Walking through Walgreen looking for any type of sanitizer but all the shelves are empty.  Not even travel size. Then this guy walks up to me and whispers

"I got what you're looking for.  My dick dispenses purell."

My reply

"How dumb do you think I am, I'm not falling for that twice."
« Last Edit: March 22, 2020, 08:07:44 PM by Shiela_M »



Offline staci

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Reply #3538 on: March 22, 2020, 10:50:04 PM
F**k'n Internet!  I checked before going to the grocery store...said I'd be safe with just gloves and a face mask.

LIE!!!

Everyone else had on clothes too. :facepalm:

Was that you hanging out at the frozen food section?

one of the originals


Offline msslave

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Reply #3539 on: March 22, 2020, 11:13:44 PM
F**k'n Internet!  I checked before going to the grocery store...said I'd be safe with just gloves and a face mask.

LIE!!!

Everyone else had on clothes too. :facepalm:

Was that you hanging out at the frozen food section?
Nope... with all the cold air from the freezers I was so shriveled that nothing was "hanging".

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville