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Author Topic: Joke of the Day  (Read 234841 times)
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« Reply #3570 on: April 08, 2020, 06:22:18 PM »

Revenge of the blondes

After Donald Trump, the world is wondering if it is the blonde men, not women, who are actually a bit dumber. They collected these true stories of Blonde men.

*A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've already wet mine."
------------
* A blonde man sees a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------
*A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her First Child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------
*A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I Couldn't breathe."
------------
*An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "Duh, If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
------------
*A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------
*Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------
*A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are intimate. The whole street was watching and laughing at YOU yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on "ALL OF YOU" because I wasn't even at home yesterday !
--------------
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« Reply #3571 on: April 08, 2020, 06:50:25 PM »

Revenge of the blondes

After Donald Trump, the world is wondering if it is the blonde men, not women, who are actually a bit dumber. They collected these true stories of Blonde men.

*A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've already wet mine."
------------
* A blonde man sees a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------
*A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her First Child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------
*A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I Couldn't breathe."
------------
*An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "Duh, If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
------------
*A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------
*Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------
*A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are intimate. The whole street was watching and laughing at YOU yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on "ALL OF YOU" because I wasn't even at home yesterday !
--------------


Wait.... I don't get these...
« Last Edit: April 08, 2020, 07:45:22 PM by Shiela_M » Logged

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« Reply #3572 on: April 08, 2020, 11:06:32 PM »

Reflections on the Covid 19 days.

 Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom

PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Home-schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

So, after this quarantine... will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

I'm so excited.  It's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?


Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.
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« Reply #3573 on: April 09, 2020, 05:26:07 PM »

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« Reply #3574 on: April 09, 2020, 05:42:06 PM »


The police spotted God walking around Yorkshire during the coronavirus lockdown and asked him what he though he was doing.

"Working from home", came the reply.

(non-UK readers can replace Yorkshire with the relevant part of their own country)

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« Reply #3575 on: April 13, 2020, 03:39:24 PM »

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« Reply #3576 on: April 16, 2020, 03:07:05 PM »

Buckle up kids, this is my Dad’s favorite joke to tell.

So Johnny lives in this small town that is all about routine and predictability.  Everything could be set to a clock.  Every year during the summer a circus comes to town.  Johnny has done everything at the circus except one thing. He has never been to the clown tent.  This year though, this year he’ll go see that clown.

So as always the circus shows up and they start putting up tents and games. Animals are taken out of their cages and placed into pens.  Performers and staff walk around preparing for the show to begin and Johnny sat at the gate waiting for the circus to open.  He was going to be there first one in and the first one to the clowns tent.

Well the day finally came and the circus opened and Johnny was off.  He sprinted to the booth to get his tickets for rides and games, but he bought his ticket for the clown first.  It was a few hours before the clown did his first show of the day, but Johnny didn’t care.  He stood outside the tent in line and waited.  Finally a staff member brought out the box to collect tickets and he let Johnny inside to wait for the show to begin

Now this clown has done the same show for years.  He never changed it and would stick to it no matter what.  He would come out and do some cartwheels and round offs. He would tumble around on the floor and then begin juggling.  First he would use tennis balls, then bowling pins, and finally move onto knives.  When the juggling would end, the stand up comedy would start.  He would start off with the same joke every time.  He would look through the audience and pick out one man.

“Excuse  me sir, but are you a horses head"?  The clown would ask his target.

The person would obviously respond with, “no, I am not a horses head”.

To that the clown would reply with, “well, then you must be a horses ass.  HA HA HA HA.”

The clown would laugh and the crowd would laugh and then the clown would continue with his jokes.  Johnny never having see the show before knew nothing of this.  He walked into the tent walked to the first bench and sat down front and center.  He then waited while more people filed in and the room started filling up.  Finally the lights went down and a spotlight shined on the stage.

Johnny was filled with excitement and total glee as he watched the clown cartwheel out from backstage.  He tumbled and flipped to Johnny’s overjoyed clapping and cheers.  The clown stopped and grabbed three balls and began juggling, and Johnny applauded.  He switched to the bowling pins and Johnny clapped louder.  He switched to the knives and Johnny clapped so loud and hard his hands hurt.  Now, however, now the clown had stopped and he had taken notice to Johnny’s excitement to his act.

The clown looked right at Johnny and said “you, young sir.”

Johnny astonished he’s being called out by the clown got extremely excited.  “Me, Mr. Clown?  You speaking to me?”

“Why yes young sir, let me ask you a question.”  Replied the clown.

“Why of course Mr. Clown.  Please ask your question.”  Said Johnny as he inched to the edge of his seat in excitement.

“Are you a horses head?” Asked the clown.

Johnny being a bit confused answered with the obvious. “why no Mr. Clown, I’m not a horses head.”

“Well then you must be a horses ass.  HA HA HA.” Laughed the clown.

The clown laughed, the crowd laughed, the staff to the clown laugh.  Johnny got PISSED. he jumped out of his seat near tears and stormed out of the clown tent.  The whole time people laughing and pointing at poor Johnny.  Johnny decided on the spot to get this damn clown.

Next day Johnny went to schools and went to the library.  He checked out every book he could find on insults and snappy comebacks.  He read those books cover to cover until he nearly had them memorized.  Before school each day he’d stand in the mirror launching insults and snappy comebacks at himself. For the rest of the school year he studied and practiced.  He kept thinking to himself, am I ready for this clown?  Nope, I need to be ready and it needs to be perfect. 

Two years he did this until he went off to high school where he would go to the library and check out all the same books plus new ones that had been published.  He went to the town and county libraries and took all the books he could find there and he would study every page on insults and snappy comebacks. He practiced daily on his new found passion and skill.  He nearly failed high school he spent so much time on these books, but still he graduated.  After receiving his diploma he thought to himself.  I’m I ready for this clown? Nope, not yet, I need to be ready and it needs to be perfect.

So he talks to his parents and tells them he is leaving to go study insults and snappy comebacks at the college of snappy comebacks.  His parents do not approve of this but yet he goes anyways. he studies for years on being the best at insults and snappy comebacks.  He even starts to assist the professors at the college.  For two years he studies and learns and practices to be the best in his class and finally he graduates with honors.  As he receives his diploma he thinks to himself. Am I ready for this clown? No, not yet, he needs to be ready, and it needs to be perfect.

He had nearly burned all bridges with his family so he was on his own to get to Europe to study at the university of insults and snappy comebacks. working at comedy clubs doing insult comedy and having great snappy comebacks to hecklers he was able to make enough money to attend the university so he was off to Europe and studied at the university of snappy comebacks. The entire time he learned and studied at the university he would spend weekends traveling to different cities and countries earning money doing his insult comedy and snappy comebacks with hecklers.  It was to nobodies surprise when he was asked to teach at the university after only a few years. He thought to himself, am I ready for this clown?  No, not yet, I need to be ready, it needs to be perfect.

He taught new insults and snappy comebacks and instructed on his unique way of inventing his own.  One day he heard rumor of a something. Somewhere in the mountains there was a small palace and inside resides the king of snappy comebacks.  Since he’s already graduated early from the university of snappy comebacks and has been teaching for months.  He finally decides to go visit this king of snappy comebacks.  He checks his account and has earned more than enough from his insult comedy and snappy comebacks to hecklers that he leaves almost immediately to find this king.

Weeks of traveling he finally comes upon this small palace in the mountains.  He walks in and is greeted by a small group of people. He begins to ask where the king of snappy comebacks was when the people start hurling insults at him.  He immediately fires back with snappy comebacks and slowly but surely the people would step back from Johnny as he defeated them.  As the last man backed away Johnny saw a small old man sitting in the back of the room.  As Johnny made his way to him he stood and introduced himself as the king of snappy comebacks.  Johnny begins to speak when the king starts his insults.  Johnny fires back with snappy comebacks immediately. Back and forth they battled with insults and snappy comebacks.  They flew through old ones and some new and when Johnny started creating his own they both knew it was only a matter of time.  After two days of insults and snappy comebacks the king of snappy comebacks fell to his knees in defeat and yielded to Johnny.
Johnny had won and is crowned the new king of snappy comebacks.

So finally Johnny thinks to himself, I’m I ready for this clown?  Yes, finally I am ready, this is will be perfect.

So Johnny gets a flight back home, and he starts to worry and wonder if the clown will even still be there.  It’s been years since he began, and the clown may not be a different person.  He may have even died.

He gets back to his old town and sees his face everywhere. He had no idea he had become famous for his insult comedy acts and snappy comebacks to hecklers.  He goes back to his parents home who apologize repeatedly for not supporting him.  He doesn’t care about that, he only cares about getting back at that clown.  It wasn’t long before he starts to see flyers going up around town for the circus. Johnny once again is filled with excitement and anticipation.

The day finally comes and johnny leaves first thing in the morning.  He stands in the front of the line and when they open those gates Johnny is off just like he had the last time.  He ran to the ticket booth and bought only one ticket, a ticket to see the clown.  Just like when he was a child he stood outside that tent and waited to be let in.  The staff eventually opened up and Johnny goes into the tent.  He walks to the front and takes his seat just like last time… and waits.

People slowly start to file into the tent but it doesn’t get full like it used to.  The lights go out and the spotlight comes on.  The clown appeared like he did the last time, well, almost.  It was the same clown and the years had not been kind.  He fell over trying to do a cartwheel.  He stumbled after the round off.  He dropped both balls and pins while juggling.  He didn’t even bother with the knives. Johnny felt pity for this creature.  He didn’t want to do this anymore.  Life has been cruel enough. So Johnny decides to leave.  As he stands to go the clown notices him and points at him.

“Hey buddy, leaving already? Well, Let me ask you a question?” The clown slurred at him.

“that’s ok, Mr. Clown you don’t…” johnny began.

“Are you a horses head?” asked the clown.

“Please, don’t…” johnny began before being interrupted.

“Well, if not, then you must be a horses ass.  I big fat smelly horses ass.  HA HA HA” The clown roared with laughter and the few people in the crowd laughed as well.

Johnny got pissed.  This clown will never learn, he’ll keep this up till he dies.  This was what all that work was for. He was the king of snappy comebacks, and nobody talks to the king that way.  Johnny red faced and angry as all hell turned and stormed up the stage, got right into that clowns face and said.

“FUCK YOU CLOWN!”


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« Reply #3577 on: April 16, 2020, 04:31:44 PM »


That joke was....

a) the longest joke I've ever read on here.
b) so long I went to the bathroom twice.
c) longer than a Trump Coronavirus task force update.
d) all of the above.

jk Shi.  Thanks for the laugh.


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« Reply #3578 on: April 16, 2020, 05:18:20 PM »


That joke was....

a) the longest joke I've ever read on here.
b) so long I went to the bathroom twice.
c) longer than a Trump Coronavirus task force update.
d) all of the above.

jk Shi.  Thanks for the laugh.


Ahhhhhh.... I want that thirty minutes back. 
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« Reply #3579 on: April 16, 2020, 05:27:05 PM »


That joke was....

a) the longest joke I've ever read on here.
b) so long I went to the bathroom twice.
c) longer than a Trump Coronavirus task force update.
d) all of the above.

jk Shi.  Thanks for the laugh.


Ahhhhhh.... I want that thirty minutes back. 

30 minutes, took me two days of off and on typing to finish it.  He loves that joke.  Takes him 10-15 minutes to tell it.  Very animated when he does too.

Next I'll tell you the purple passion joke  Evil Evil Evil
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« Reply #3580 on: April 16, 2020, 08:14:38 PM »

"Next I'll tell you the purple passion joke "


Can you wait until I accrue some vacation time?
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« Reply #3581 on: April 16, 2020, 11:45:51 PM »


SHAGGY DOG AWARD OF THE YEAR TO SHIELA!

You youngsters, look up shaggy dog story.
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« Reply #3582 on: April 17, 2020, 02:48:36 AM »

The government won't tell us that aliens and UFOs are real because y'all would panic and buy up all the foil.

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« Reply #3583 on: April 17, 2020, 03:38:21 AM »

I'm just waiting for them to abduct me. Go ahead alien bitches...probe me!
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« Reply #3584 on: April 17, 2020, 03:48:35 AM »

The government won't tell us that aliens and UFOs are real because y'all would panic and buy up all the foil.



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