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Author Topic: Joke of the Day  (Read 234855 times)
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watcher1
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« Reply #3585 on: April 17, 2020, 03:02:01 PM »

Shiela - just read your joke. Had a bagel and a glass of O.J. while reading it.  Grin Grin Grin
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« Reply #3586 on: April 18, 2020, 05:24:01 AM »

OMG Shiela! Definitely worth a woo!
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ChirpingGirl
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« Reply #3587 on: April 18, 2020, 05:34:39 AM »

The government won't tell us that aliens and UFOs are real because y'all would panic and buy up all the foil.




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What in cousin-fuckin’ tarnation Alabama Betty Crocker Miss fuckin' Betty White shit is this?
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« Reply #3588 on: April 20, 2020, 07:24:50 AM »

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MintJulie
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« Reply #3589 on: April 22, 2020, 02:53:02 AM »



I rode my bike to the liquor store and bought a bottle of bourbon.

I put the bottle in my handle bar basket and was about to start riding home.  Then I thought to myself, "What if I fall over while riding?  I would probably break the bottle."

So, I drank the whole bottle before starting the ride toward home.   And it ended up being a really good decision, because I fell over on my bike 6 times before reaching home.
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« Reply #3590 on: April 22, 2020, 02:03:42 PM »

And I'll bet you eat all the cupcakes so they won't be there to tempt you.  emot_laughing
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seveninchblues
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« Reply #3591 on: May 01, 2020, 04:57:51 PM »

My autistic son did it again.  He made up this one last night.

What do you call it when two Persian women have sex?

A magic carpet ride.   emot_laughing
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purpleshoes
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« Reply #3592 on: May 07, 2020, 01:43:58 PM »

What things in your house are thinking during quarantine:

Dishwasher: You're running me AGAIN? You just ran me.

Phone/tablet: You saw the screen time report. Maybe put me down and read a book.

Washer (to dryer): Is it just me or is 80% of their laundry just pajamas now?

Dryer: Oh, AT LEAST.

Refrigerator: Every 10 minutes you people are opening my door. EVERY 10 MINUTES!

Bathroom shower: Um... hello?

Car in garage: Did I do something to offend someone?

(From a cartoon by Adrienne Hedger)

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« Reply #3593 on: May 07, 2020, 02:35:56 PM »

What things in your house are thinking during quarantine:

Dishwasher: You're running me AGAIN? You just ran me.


My vacuum has been getting a workout, so has my Reveal (swiffer type thing) that I do the hardwood floors with.


Guilty of most.  Except I shower every day.   And Dan is a car freak and worries about cars sitting too long so he's driving each car every 3 days.



I'll share a joke that my daughter told the other day.  

Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.

The funniest part was her laughing hysterically at her joke.  Which got the whole family laughing.  


And Dan countered with

Back in my day you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.

And nobody laughed.
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msslave
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« Reply #3594 on: May 07, 2020, 02:38:31 PM »

Poor Dan...guess it's all in the delivery and timing. emot_laughing
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« Reply #3595 on: May 08, 2020, 12:31:39 PM »


I'll share a joke that my daughter told the other day.  

Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.

The funniest part was her laughing hysterically at her joke.  Which got the whole family laughing.  

I love listening to kids tell jokes, especially when they're cracking up while they tell it.

Ask her if she's heard the one about the roof. Then say, Never mind, it's over your head.

And Dan countered with

Back in my day you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.

And nobody laughed.


I did!  emot_laughing
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« Reply #3596 on: May 08, 2020, 01:39:40 PM »

Funny how we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it.

Good times...
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« Reply #3597 on: May 08, 2020, 01:51:21 PM »

And Dan countered with

Back in my day you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.

And nobody laughed.



Well I laughed reading that, make sure he knows.

In fact, I’m going to use that although these days I have an audience of one for jokes.
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seveninchblues
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« Reply #3598 on: May 08, 2020, 07:10:51 PM »

This morning my yogurt blew up all over me and my wife called out, "Bukkake!"
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« Reply #3599 on: May 13, 2020, 04:45:20 AM »

A judge was interviewing a Blonde woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
 She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
 "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
 "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
 "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
 "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
 He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
 "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
 "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
 "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
 "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
 "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
 Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
 "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
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