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Joke of the Day

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Offline watcher1

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Reply #3990 on: April 23, 2022, 03:46:42 PM
A senior couple goes to the doctor. The doctor first visits the husband:
- Everything seems to be fine. Are you having problems?
- Well, nothing special but when I make love with my wife, the first time, there are no problems at all. But, the second time I feel very sweaty and this annoys me.
After having visited the wife, the doctor asks her a question:
- To me, everything is ok but your husband says, when you are having sex, that the first time there are no problems while the second time he gets very sweaty. Do you know the reason for that?
- Sure, doctor. The first time is in January. The second is in August.

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.


Offline Army of One

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Reply #3991 on: April 25, 2022, 04:31:53 AM
And now, a message from one of our sponsors...

When you want to raise spirits at a party, try...

Mediums!

We will now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Extinguishing the Flame is available on Amazon and supports Australian Bush fire relief.


Offline Hoss

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Reply #3992 on: April 25, 2022, 05:17:10 AM
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Vladimir Putin," she says.

"Why Vladimir Putin?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give him a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad and maybe start loving people a little bit.

"And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to President Putin, he'd love everyone a lot.
"And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

 Her father's heart swelled and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

 "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, we could shoot the fucker!"


Australian Kissing.....just like the French - but done "Down Under"...


Offline Hilda

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Reply #3993 on: April 25, 2022, 06:01:47 AM
When you want to raise spirits at a party, try..

Mediums!

I've met a few (mediums, that is). Plus a few others who called themselves channelers. I thought they were hilarious but kept my thoughts to myself.

You are just a thought that someone, somewhere, somehow feels you should be here.


Offline purpleshoes

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Reply #3994 on: April 25, 2022, 12:08:46 PM
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

 "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, we could shoot the fucker!"



Note to self... do not take a drink of coffee when reading Hoss jokes.  :emot_laughing:

Woo



Offline Pornhubby

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Reply #3995 on: April 25, 2022, 02:11:25 PM


 "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, we could shoot the fucker!"








Offline purpleshoes

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Reply #3996 on: May 01, 2022, 02:32:16 PM
I was actually winning an argument with my wife.

Then she took off her top and bra.

Now I know what a booby trap means.  :facepalm:



Offline Clitical Thinking

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Reply #3997 on: May 07, 2022, 05:56:00 PM
I saw a tweet today "bukkake is technically a baby shower" and I'm still laughing  :emot_laughing:



Offline Wildcat666

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Reply #3998 on: May 07, 2022, 06:30:44 PM
I was actually winning an argument with my wife.

Then she took off her top and bra.

Now I know what a booby trap means.  :facepalm:

Good one purpleshoes   :emot_laughing:

And I know what you mean.

Its like knockers.

My GF shrugged her shoulders and knocked me out.



Offline Hoss

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Reply #3999 on: May 08, 2022, 04:37:00 AM
On her first day at the seniors' complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory for the females."

"Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60." 

Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180." 

"Are there any questions?"

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

Australian Kissing.....just like the French - but done "Down Under"...


Offline Shiela_M

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Reply #4000 on: May 09, 2022, 03:20:22 PM
Driving to work this morning, and this guy in an oncoming car was shaving with an electric razor and not paying attention to the road, next thing I know he's halfway in my lane.  Well it caused me to drop my eyeliner and when I tried to catch it I dropped my donut out of my other, which landed in my coffee that was tucked between my legs giving me a terrible burn on my thigh which caused me to scream into my phone that was tucked between shoulder and ear and frightened the person in the other end...

That stupid asshole needs to pay attention to the road.

I survive because the fire inside burn brighter than the fire around me. I am the Phoenix


Offline Clitical Thinking

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Reply #4001 on: May 09, 2022, 04:48:58 PM
LMFAO  :emot_laughing:

That actually got me going for a second, then I remembered it was Joke of the Day, not What Ruined My Day  ;D



Offline MintJulie

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Reply #4002 on: May 09, 2022, 07:46:55 PM
"How much for a season pass?"

I love it.


That stupid asshole needs to pay attention to the road.

Um, I don't get the joke.  Yes, he shouldn't be shaving while driving.  Only women can multitask like you were S.

.
          You might not know this, but I have a thing for Tom Brady (and Bill Clinton)
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Offline Hoss

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Reply #4003 on: May 10, 2022, 02:01:46 AM
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he went to Paris to see what he could find.

 After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.  As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

 Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, she asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

 He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

 After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

 They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

 She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

 Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

 To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business

Australian Kissing.....just like the French - but done "Down Under"...


Offline msslave

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Reply #4004 on: May 10, 2022, 02:34:42 AM
 :emot_laughing:

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville