Joke of the Day

[Asmodel]

We all had a great time at my grandson's fourth birthday party.

I almost didn't recognize him though.

I've never seen him be four.
 
 

Took me a moment to understand. Almost thought that it was a different thread, and that you're a grandpa! Which'd be surprising as you don't seem a day over the 30's sir!
 


Stupid session timing out for last 10 minutes… 

[purpleshoes]

Is "buttcheeks" one word?

Or do they need to be separated?

[Asmodel]

Books and dicks are opposite of each other,
Sometimes the first can only be a hard-cover.
While the second can be hard ALL OVER.

[Hoss]

Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through
the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,
Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated
..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your
Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you
gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a
couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed
with another man.  Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and
say, 'times up' "?

[msslave]

 

[ObiDongKenobi]

 

[Pornhubby]

I seldom woo a joke. But that sir was effing hilarious.

[purpleshoes]

A young twenty-something guy inherited $100,000 right after he earned his MBA. He knew that amount of money wouldn't be enough to live on for very long so he came up with a brilliant idea.

He invested the money and had himself cryogenically stored, long enough for the power of time to turn his inheritance into a fortune. That way, he wouldn't have to work a single day of his life.

One hundred years later, he was brought out of his suspended animation, and immediately called his broker's office to find out his balance.

When told his account now held just over 100-million dollars, he gleefully shouted, "Yes! I did it. I'M RICH!"

In his euphoria, he was doing a happy dance of celebration when he realized that he was still holding the phone.

A robotic voice came on the line and said, "If you'd like to continue this call, please deposit 10-million dollars for the next three minutes."

[Army of One]

A simple one:

Always be suspicious of a nun doing pushups in a cucumber field.

[Asmodel]

A simple one:

Always be suspicious of a nun doing pushups in a cucumber field.

Or sit ups in a cornfield.

[Shiela_M]

That does a happy meal and I have in common?
*
*
*
*
*
We both come with a toy inside. 😘

[Asmodel]

That does a happy meal and I have in common?
*
*
*
*
*
We both come with a toy inside. 😘

😳
Also, another thing, you both bring joy to others.

[ObiDongKenobi]

 

That does a happy meal and I have in common?
*
*
*
*
*
We both come with a toy inside. 😘

 

And a woo

[Asmodel]

A man is beginning to think his wife’s cheating on him and happens upon a pet shop
He sees a parrot with no wings and no feet and sees the price tag is 10x as much as the next most expensive parrot, he asks the owner “why is that parrot so expensive?” The owner replies “this parrot is fully capable of understanding and speaking just like a human, it’s really remarkable!” Then the man asks “how does it stay perched on the swing with no legs?” The owner replies “well we wrapped his dick around the bar and that seemed to do the trick” So the man gets an idea and buys the parrot and takes him home.

The next morning before heading to work he says to the parrot “I’m leaving and I think my wife’s cheating, I want you to keep your eyes open and tell me everything you see when I get back” the parrot says “you got it boss” and the man leaves for work. He comes home later that night and immediately goes to the parrot and says “so tell me did you see anything?” The parrot says “oh you bet I did you’re not gonna believe it!” So the man says “what did you see??” The parrot says “the mailman!” The man goes “I KNEW IT! What exactly did you see??”

Parrot: well your wife opened the door in a super sexy lingerie!

Man: and then??

Parrot: and then the mailman came inside and started kissing her neck!

Man: and then?!

Parrot: then she started to undress him !

Man: AND THEN???!!

Parrot: then he undressed her!!!

Man: AND THENN??!!!!!!

Parrot: and then I got a boner so I fell on my back and didn’t see the rest!

[purpleshoes]

A big old bear walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "What can I get for you?"

The bear says, "I'll have a rum... ... ... ... ... ... and a Coke."

The bartender says, "Coming right up, but why the big pause?"

The bear shrugs, looks down at his forearms and says, "Beats me. I was born with 'em."