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Joke of the Day

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Offline Asmodel

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Reply #4080 on: June 18, 2022, 02:57:18 PM

A big old bear walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "What can I get for you?"

The bear says, "I'll have a rum... ... ... ... ... ... and a Coke."

The bartender says, "Coming right up, but why the big pause?"

The bear shrugs, looks down at his forearms and says, "Beats me. I was born with 'em."

  ???



Offline Shiela_M

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Reply #4081 on: June 18, 2022, 03:11:04 PM

I survive because the fire inside burn brighter than the fire around me. I am the Phoenix


Offline Asmodel

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Reply #4082 on: June 18, 2022, 03:35:46 PM

  ???

Oh love... :facepalm:

Pause=paws
[/quote]
 :facepalm: :facepalm: :emot_laughing:
Seems like not my day at all lol.  :facepalm: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
Thanks for the explanation Miss Shiela. ;D



Offline purpleshoes

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Reply #4083 on: June 25, 2022, 02:09:46 PM

I dated a girl in college who had one leg that was shorter than the other.

Her name was Eileen.



Offline staci

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Reply #4084 on: June 25, 2022, 03:39:20 PM
- Groan-
Woo



Offline Clitical Thinking

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Reply #4085 on: June 25, 2022, 06:12:12 PM
LMAO



Offline Writers Bloque

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Reply #4086 on: June 25, 2022, 06:49:01 PM
A man goes hunting for deer in the woods. Sees a good looking deer, and shoots at it. Misses, but grazes a bear.

The man, terrified, cannot get away from the bear. The bear approaches the man and in a calm voice says:

"Your ass or your life, you almost killed me there, and I was no threat to you."

So the man unwillingly gives himself to the bear.

After some time, the man gathers his courage to go hunting again, and again spots the perfect buck.

And again, he fires at the buck, and misses, this time shooting a trout out of the bear's paws.

The bear says: "Same as last time, Ass or life, you almost ended mine, and ruined my meal."

And again, the hunter gives in, and the bear uses him longer this time.

So after more courage building, the hunter goes out one more time to hunt, this time going elsewhere.

Spots a twelve point buck, takes aim, and fires. This time, the bullet wildly missed the buck, and dropped a branch on the bear's head

as he was about to make love to his wife.

The bear knows who it is, and walks up to the man and disarms him and asks the hunter, who knows the drill by now, has dropped his pants and braces himself against the tree:

"You really don't come out to hunt do you?" The bear asked as he entered the hunter.

View a list of all my stories here

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Offline Hades

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Reply #4087 on: June 25, 2022, 06:52:15 PM
 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
woo!

Don't ask me.
I'm just as clueless about life as you are.


Offline Writers Bloque

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Reply #4088 on: July 01, 2022, 06:54:35 PM
Two older lions sit at the watering hole for a drink. Their territories are secure, and they lived their lives in a semi peaceful truce.

They started arguing about who raised the best sons. As they always did.

The true King of the Savannah arrived, who was their father.

The older Lion sat down next to his sons.

"You two still bickering over who sired the next king?" The older, scarred up lion spoke. The entire watering hole fell silent.

"Father, tell my brother I raised the best." The first lion spoke.

"It is true, your sons are strong, loyal fighters, but they are lacking." The older lion said passing judgement.

"See, brother, father thinks I am best." He boasted.

The brother said nothing, as he knew the weight of his fathers words.

"Ha, Ha! I see your pride is blinding you, and your silence is deafening you. So how about a wager?" The older lion, who was quite tired of this small feud.

He knew both sons would be fit to take over, but he still had some years left, and wanted to see if both sons truly did right by their sons.

"Yes, father?" both asked in unison.

"You see, just on the border of my domain, lives a maleless pride of lionesses, of all ages. They are truly picky with whom they mate, so they have not mated in many seasons. If you both
fancy yourselves as great as a father as I was to you, then your sons would be able to cross the hills and make that pride theirs." The older lion chortled, as the bartender brought him another drink.

The two fathers looked at each other. That pride was a legendary male eating pride. They did not let an unworthy male go. They killed and ate him. Wary of losing their sons, but their father had already decreed it. The two fathers left to go home and break the news to their families.

An older lioness joins the King. "Dear husband, do you realize that those lionesses will not be gentle with our grandchildren?" She asked.

"Ruling is not meant to be easy, or gentle. One does not always need to be strong, but also have the brains to overcome every challenge." He said sipping his drink.

"I will go then, and speak to the leader of that pride, as she and I are sisters." She said.

"Do as you please, but do not change a thing for them." He commanded.

After drinking, she left. It would be at sundown when she made it to their territory. She was welcomed, and the talks began...

The next Day...

Everyone on the Savannah was out to see the best of the two father's sons off. Their mothers wept, their friends gave them supporting back slaps.

As agreed on earlier, each son would go, one at a time, and try to subdue the pride into theirs.

The first son, a bit of a playboy muscle head, who thought little of lionesses, except as a warm wet tight place to store his dick left first.

It would not be but only two hours later, before the first son returned. He was battered, wounded and limping back.

"They almost killed me. I barely made it back. Good luck, brother." He said, before collapsing on the medical cot, being moved by gorillas.

Now the second son.

He never boasted of his strength, but remembered the lessons of when he was a cub. Always watching the adults, how they handled everything, and listened to every word.

He leaves, despite everyone trying to stop him.

An hour passes.

Then another.

And another.

Everyone assembled was worried. He was not the strongest lion, or the fastest. Surely he was food by now.

More hours passed, the crowd now having grown, to even the two legs. who took interest in this competition.

The sun has fallen, and now is about to rise again....

Over the hill, the second son returns, following behind him is the entire pride, plus one, who was in disguise.

The whole Savannah was relieved.

"How did you do it?" a Gazelle asked.

The second son answered.

"I spent hours circling their territory. Showing no interest in them what so ever. They were enticing me with their sprays, trying to lure me to my ultimate demise. But I showed no interest. Until finally when they could stand it no longer, their leader approached and offered herself to me, without biting my ass or balls. I obliged her and her alone.

"Why not my sisters?" She asked me.

"Because, I know the minute I enter that fray, I will be doomed. So I will take my time, and give each and everyone of you what you want, separately." I replied.

"When the others heard that, they fell in line and followed me." The son replied.

There was much celebration that day, as the male eating pride was tamed, but not with violence or disrespect, but a little thought and gentleness.


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Offline Pornhubby

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Reply #4089 on: July 01, 2022, 09:41:49 PM



Offline Writers Bloque

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Reply #4090 on: July 01, 2022, 09:44:14 PM


Kinda, lol. Goes along with the fact that Lionesses initiate sex, not the lions.

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Offline purpleshoes

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Reply #4091 on: July 04, 2022, 01:00:42 PM

A Mexican magician told his audience that he would disappear on the count of three.

"Uno," he says, holding up one finger.

"Dos," he intones, now with two fingers in the air.

And then suddenly, POOF! He was gone.

He disappeared without a  tres.



Offline msslave

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Reply #4092 on: July 04, 2022, 01:42:42 PM
Oh Purple you've put done yourself. That's so corny it's great.
 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing

Well trained and been made compliant....by our two cats.


Offline Shiela_M

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Reply #4093 on: July 04, 2022, 02:23:47 PM
I laughed harder than I should have. Woo

I survive because the fire inside burn brighter than the fire around me. I am the Phoenix


Offline MintJulie

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Reply #4094 on: July 04, 2022, 03:47:09 PM
My daddy used to tell this joke every year at 4th of July gatherings to some poor unsuspecting victim that hadn't hear it before.



"I heard a commotion outside my house the other night and stepped out on the front porch to see what was going on.
A police officer had caught two teenagers walking through the neighborhood with a firework and a car battery.
He charged one of them, and let the other one off."


#dadJokes

Happy 4th of July.

.
          You might not know this, but I have a thing for Tom Brady (and Bill Clinton)
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POY 2016