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Joke of the Day

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Offline msslave

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Reply #4110 on: July 07, 2022, 02:56:26 PM
I got jealous of Toe and his AI date porn.

So last night I went on a date with a Roomba. It totally sucked. :facepalm:

Well trained and been made compliant....by our two cats.


Offline Clitical Thinking

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Reply #4111 on: July 07, 2022, 04:33:04 PM
 ;D ;D ;D



Offline Pornhubby

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Reply #4112 on: July 07, 2022, 05:06:40 PM
I got jealous of Toe and his AI date porn.

So last night I went on a date with a Roomba. It totally sucked. :facepalm:

 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:

Woo.



Offline Shiela_M

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Reply #4113 on: July 08, 2022, 04:51:21 PM
Hey guys, here's a joke to piss us off especially if we're sick. At least it worked for Allan.

Why do women feel so much pain during childbirth? So we know what it's like when men catch the flu!!


I survive because the fire inside burn brighter than the fire around me. I am the Phoenix


Offline Pornhubby

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Reply #4114 on: July 11, 2022, 01:55:41 AM
My favorite Harry Caray joke:

 DEMPSTER: Absolutely. And he told me a great story one time was he said they were driving to the field together. They were carpooling down, and Harry was doing about 90 on the Edens. He was flying to the field, and he got pulled over. And Pat's like, oh, you're in trouble here. He says, (imitating Harry Caray) hey, pal, I'm a broadcaster for the Cubs.

I'm never in trouble, all right?

(LAUGHTER)

DEMPSTER: (Imitating Harry Caray) You watch this. I'll get out of this ticket. No problem. So the police officer shows up, he pulls up to the car. And he, you know, he says, can I get your license and registration? And Harry says, (imitating Harry Caray) you know, Officer, I would give you that but this is a stolen car.

(LAUGHTER)

DEMPSTER: So he says, sir, you mind getting out of the vehicle? At this point, he kind of starts to sense something's going on. He says is there anything else you want tell me? He's like, (imitating Harry Caray) to be honest with you, I've got a loaded gun in the glove compartment. But he says, all right, sir. He's like, you know, come on out here. He gets him out of the car. And he says, is there anything else?

I'm going to call my partner in here. Is there anything else you want to tell me? He's like, (imitating Harry Caray) you know, if we're going to get right down to it, officer, I have a dead body in the trunk and I'm on a little bit of a timeline here.

DEMPSTER: So now they got Harry and Pat and they're over by the car and the trunk of the car and this cop's going through the car. And then all of a sudden, his partner comes up to him. He says, hey, Mr. Caray, can I talk to you? And he says (imitating Harry Caray) what is it, Officer? He says, well my partner said that you said this was a stolen car.

It's registered to you. He said you have a loaded gun in the glove compartment. There's nothing in there but insurance papers. And he said you have a dead body in the trunk and all you have in there is golf clubs. And he looks the cop in the eye. He says, (imitating Harry Caray), let me guess, that son of a bitch was going to tell you I was speeding too.



Offline Writers Bloque

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Reply #4115 on: July 11, 2022, 04:22:40 AM
Four men are in line at the Pearly Gates. The first man is called forward:

Saint Peter asks: Son, how did you die?

Man 1: I was dating a woman, whose husband was coming up the stairs to their apartment, so I jumped out of the fourth floor window.

Peter: Son, did you know she was married?

Man 1: Honestly, no.

Peter, flipping through the Book: No lie there, you may enter.

The man enters Heaven.

Saint Peter calls the second man forward.

Peter: How did you die?

Man 2: Well I heard my girlfriend talking to a man, and so I hid in the fridge. I could not breath and died.

Peter: Did you know she was involved with anyone or married?

Man 2: I swear, I did not know she was married or had a boyfriend.

Peter, consulting the Book: All true, you may enter.

The second man enters Heaven.

Saint Peter calls forth the third man.

Peter: How did you die?

Third man: Well I was walking along the side walk in front of my girlfriends building, when a man falls and hits the ground beside me. I thanked god that I was not killed, and then I get flatten by a fridge.

Peter, astonished consults the book again: Son, would this girlfriend be a beautiful blonde woman?

Third man: Yes sir, she said we were going on a trip together.

Peter, completely flabbergasted by this situation: Son, did you know if she was seeing anyone else or possibly could be married?

Third man: No, she told me I was her one and only.

The book confirms the truth.

Peter: Son, I can send you back, or let you go into heaven. It seems it was not your time to go.

The third man looks behind him at the angry hulking bruiser of a man.

Third man: I would like to go back please.

Peter makes a phone call, and seconds later the third man vanishes in a puff of smoke.

Peter sees the angry giant of a man, and calls for two angels to act as bodyguards.

Peter: Fourth man please come forward.

The fourth man come up, each steps shakes the clouds under him.

Peter: How did you die sir?

The fourth man: I got off work early, so I decided to come straight home after swearing off drinking and fighting. I wanted to tell my wife that not only did I get promoted and a big raise, but I also won the lottery. So I come home to find a bunch of strange men's clothes. I got mad. Trying to calm my self down, I walked to my fridge, and reached in to grab a beer, and the fridge whined when I opened the door. Inside I seen a man, who was naked and blue all over. So I picked up the fridge, and in my rage, I must of killed my wife, and tossed the fridge out the window.

Saint Peter makes a phone call and Lucifer answers from his desk.

Peter: Hey Lucifer, is there a pretty blonde in line in hell?

Lucifer: Yeah, she's waiting to get in, and boy does she belong here, she is just fucking everyone in line, left and right.

Peter, now realizing the fourth man heard every word: I think you might want to run...

Lucifer: Why...? and the line goes dead.

The fourth man is nowhere to be found. Saint Peter grabs a broom and sweeps the walkway of clouds...

And if that did not make you laugh, here is one that is a little off base...

Four ducks enter the bar.

They take a seat on their stools, the bartender notices that they look exhausted and takes their order:

First duck: My name is Huey

Bartender: So was it a rough day, and what are you drinking?

First duck: I want a Cosmopolitan, It was a good day, I was in and out of puddles the whole day!

Bartender fixes the drink, and approaches the second duck

Bartender: Man you look worn out, what are you having?

Second duck: My name is Luey, and I want a Gin and Tonic. But yeah man I was in and out of puddles all day too.

The bartender makes the drink and approaches the third duck.

Bartender: Let me guess, your name is Dewey, so what are you drinking?

Third duck: Yeah, and I will have a White Russian. Man it was a hard day, of going in and out of puddles, I am so worn out.

The Bartender fixes his drink, and then approaches the fourth duck.

Bartender: So, what's your name, and what will it be?

The fourth duck batting her eyelashes: My name is Puddles. I will have a wine spritzer.

View a list of all my stories here

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Offline Pornhubby

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Reply #4116 on: July 11, 2022, 04:34:49 AM

The fourth duck batting her eyelashes: My name is Puddles. I will have a wine spritzer.


Woo for that my friend.



Offline Writers Bloque

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Reply #4117 on: July 11, 2022, 04:46:32 AM

The fourth duck batting her eyelashes: My name is Puddles. I will have a wine spritzer.


Woo for that my friend.

Thank you kindly. I am glad I read all those old issues of Easyrider. They has some good jokes in them.

Like:

How do lesbian bikers build a house?

The tongue and groove method.

also that joke about the biker chick talking to her mom I posted elsewhere came from Easy rider a long time ago.

I have more, but I do not think they will inspire a laugh.

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Offline Pornhubby

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Reply #4118 on: July 11, 2022, 03:43:54 PM
Wildly inappropriate children’s book… Tony’s Nuts. I dare you not to laugh.

https://youtu.be/ielt_9SyyH0



Offline msslave

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Reply #4119 on: July 11, 2022, 11:08:14 PM
How do you cut an ocean in half?





With a sea-saw. :D :facepalm:

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Offline Hades

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Reply #4120 on: July 12, 2022, 12:06:52 AM




The fourth duck batting her eyelashes: My name is Puddles. I will have a wine spritzer.
Woo from me too.  Hilarious  :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
« Last Edit: July 12, 2022, 12:54:29 AM by Hades »

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Offline msslave

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Reply #4121 on: July 12, 2022, 12:59:56 AM
Sorta like first dirty joke I heard as a grade schooler...from my little sister.

Boy comes into class late. Teacher asked where he'd been. On top of Blueberry Hill. Well take your seat and be on time tomorrow says the.teacher.

This happens with two more boys, same answer, on top of Blueberry Hill. Same response from the teacher.

Next a new girl to the school walks in. Teacher welcomes her and asks her name. I'm Blueberry Hill, ma'am.


Footnote: All I could think at tender age was dogpile. Much later in life, as in young adult I recalled the old joke and realized it was a dirty joke. Only took a few decades but I finally got it. :facepalm:

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Offline Pornhubby

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Reply #4122 on: July 12, 2022, 01:28:02 AM
I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill. I think that was a Fats Domino song.



Offline msslave

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Reply #4123 on: July 12, 2022, 02:33:04 AM
Yes it was. Song was out about same time I heard the joke.

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Offline Shiela_M

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Reply #4124 on: July 12, 2022, 10:58:57 PM
Last night (July 11th) still blowing up our block. The Fourth is over idiots!

If these fools come any closer to my house they're going to set my Christmas decorations on fire. :emot_banghead: :emot_banghead: :emot_banghead:

Oh my god Bob, I can not stop laughing!!

I survive because the fire inside burn brighter than the fire around me. I am the Phoenix