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Offline Blue_Eyes

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Reply #4245 on: September 21, 2022, 07:29:37 AM
PEEING ON MY FLOWERS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."



Offline Pornhubby

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Reply #4246 on: September 21, 2022, 07:36:13 AM
PEEING ON MY FLOWERS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:



Offline purpleshoes

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Reply #4247 on: September 21, 2022, 02:44:13 PM

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist:

While you were arguing about what was in the glass, I drank it.

The Opportunist  ;D



Offline watcher1

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Reply #4248 on: September 21, 2022, 03:29:33 PM
A Shiek offered anyone who could swim the length of his Olympic size pool $25,000,000. There were three takers: a Frenchman. an American and an Englishman.

Just as they were taking their places at one end of the pool, the Shiek nods to his assistant, who then opens a gate in which two great white sharks swim out of into the pool.

The Frenchman runs away.

The American faints.

The Englishman dives into the water and swims the fastest anyone has ever seen to the other end and exits the pool the winner.

When questioned how he could dive into a pool with sharks in it and swim across it as fast as he did, the Englishman replied, "Who is the asshole who pushed me in".   ;D ;D

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.


Online ObiDongKenobi

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Reply #4249 on: September 22, 2022, 10:52:07 AM
 ;D ;D - wait…….?

Princess, would you like to see it light up and hum when I wave it about


Offline Shiela_M

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  • I said it's weird, not that I wouldn't do it.
Reply #4250 on: September 23, 2022, 03:02:14 PM
What is an eggs favorite song to sing?  Eggs dont sing silly?

Do you know why I knock on the fridge door before opening it?  In case there us salad dressing.

What do you get when you cross a polar bear and a seal?  A polar bear.

I survive because the fire inside burn brighter than the fire around me. I am the Phoenix


Offline Shiela_M

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Reply #4251 on: September 23, 2022, 10:21:12 PM
Dad's going to start a business to help short people with math. He's going to call it "the small things count"

I survive because the fire inside burn brighter than the fire around me. I am the Phoenix


Offline purpleshoes

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Reply #4252 on: September 25, 2022, 01:03:45 PM

Always make sure one in the relationship has good credit.

That one is what they call the Significant Other.

(sign-if-i-can't)



Offline Shiela_M

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Reply #4253 on: September 26, 2022, 06:49:20 PM
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

I survive because the fire inside burn brighter than the fire around me. I am the Phoenix


Offline watcher1

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Reply #4254 on: September 26, 2022, 07:03:17 PM
I bought some shoes from a drug-dealer; I don't know what he did to the laces because I was trippin!   8)

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.


Offline Pornhubby

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Reply #4255 on: September 28, 2022, 06:28:14 AM
Pilot friend told me this joke.

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 767, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 767 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly):

"Yes, twice in 1944. But it was dark, -- And I didn't land."



Offline purpleshoes

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Reply #4256 on: September 28, 2022, 01:29:24 PM

Being kissed while you're asleep is one of the purest forms of love.

Well, unless you're in prison.



Offline purpleshoes

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Reply #4257 on: September 30, 2022, 01:11:55 PM

My ex-girlfriend just called and told me she wants us to get back together again.

Wow! I'm so lucky I can't believe it.

First I win the lottery and now Amanda wants me back!



Offline Writers Bloque

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Reply #4258 on: September 30, 2022, 03:55:17 PM
How many rich movie stars does it take to screw in a light bulb?

none, they screw in hot tubs, not light bulbs.

This happened the other night when I dived back into an online multiplayer game for the first time in months:

Apparently two "gamer" girls were locked in a heated space battle with each other.

One was a twitch streamer, the other not.

Their conversation in chat goes like this:

Girl 1: Ugh, die already, my viewers are leaving.
Girl 2: If you were not trash, you would have beaten me already.
Girl 1: Don't be jealous, just because I have what it takes to get the boys to watch.
Girl 2: Sure, being a vapid slut sure does bring the views.
Girl 1: Jealous, much?
Girl 2: Nope, just better than you.
Girl 1: not in any life.
Girl 2: Its really simple, I can say one thing to win this fight.
Girl 1: What?

By this point the server was watching this exchange, some cheering for the streamer, while others were trolling or not giving a damned, taking pot shots in passing at them. Girl 2 stopped talking entirely for a good chunk of the fight. When the fight was all but won by the streamer girl, girl two enters chat with a link. Following the link brought you to a private stream of the girl riding a symbian while playing the game.

In the girls private stream, she asks anyone watching who is playing the same game to help her if they wanted. The first fifty guys to show up to help will get a free full video of her getting railed by her toys.

Girl 1: Any last words?
Girl 2: Only 4
Girl 1: What are they?
Girl 2: Pound my ass Daddy!

The game descended into utter chaos as fleets of horny men flooded the area of the fight and totally decimated the first girl. It was not even fair.

I tell this story as I fap to a real nerd college girl getting pounded by a machine.

An old saying my grandmother used to tell the girls in my family...

"Sometimes a woman's blessed with beauty and a body. Sometimes though the best of the gifts a woman can get is a sharp mind..."

View a list of all my stories here

To taste Heaven, one must play in Hell.


Offline purpleshoes

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Reply #4259 on: October 01, 2022, 01:14:03 PM

I donated 4 pints of blood today.

Never doing it again though. They ask way too many questions.

Whose blood is this? Where did you get it from? Why do you have it?