Joke of the Day

[vinney]

What a rip-off...! shop keepers and divorce lawyers... grrrr...

vinney

[vinney]

The Whole Truth

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him £5 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him £10 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the milkman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The milkman drops his bottles, opens his arms and says:-

"Then come here and give your father a big hug."

[TinyDancer]

Haha vinney, didn't see that one coming, thanks sugar.

[Janus]

Buying Barbie

Gordon was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
 
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
 
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?"
 
She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $275.00."
 
Gordon asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $275.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
 
"That's obvious." the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture . . . "

If this wasn't so very true I'd laugh my ass off. Well maybe in a few yrs I'll be able to look back and chuckle about it.....LOL

Janus

[Janus]

Great on Vinney.....The milk  man....Go figure......

Janus

[coacheric]

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

[vinney]

You gotta watch the little people, coach...!

 

[vinney]

Way In.

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine if admission will be granted. In one room a clerk sits and inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant explained that his last day was not a good one. “I got home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She said she had just got out of the shower but her hair was dry and the shower was dry too. I knew she was up to some hanky-panky and began to look for her lover. I went to the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found him clinging to the rail by his finger tips.

“I was so angry I bashed his fingers with a flower pot and he let go and fell. His fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. Seeing he was still alive I dragged our antique cedar chest to the balcony and threw it over. It hit the man and killed him.

“At this point I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The clerk thanked him and sent him to the next room.

Just then the second applicant walked in. He said his day was even worse. “I was on the roof of the apartment block working on the air conditioning. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab the balcony rail on the 9th floor when some idiot came rushing out and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell and hit some awnings and thought I had survived but when I looked up I saw this huge chest falling towards me. I couldn’t get out of the way. It hit and  me and I was killed."

The clerk is still giggling when his third applicant entered. He apologises and says, “I doubt if your last day was as interesting as the man in here just before you...”

“I don’t know about that,” replies the man.

“Picture this, I’m stark naked, hiding in this cedar chest, when...”

[GEMINIGUY]

The things people will do to get into heaven... All great jokes this morning, thanks for sharing! And stay away from goblins...

[vinney]

like I said... you gotta watch the little people...

vinney

[vinney]

THE DOCTOR AND THE BUMBLEBEE

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation.   But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." 

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.

The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina.

The husband nodded and gave his approval.

The young lady said "Yes,  Yes, whatever, just get on with it." 

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina.

After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet.  Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."

So the doctor went deeper and deeper.

After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. 

The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. 

The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. 

The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" 

The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan.  I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

[vinney]

Three Guys In A Bar

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

[TinyDancer]

Law Can Be So Dirty

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW
BUT AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number one thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?

[GEMINIGUY]

Great lawyer jokes. Loved the doctor and the bee.

[TinyDancer]

Lewinsky's Official Statement

Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered the President's firm denial:

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. "This may be aload to handle, but when things get hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on. "I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. Thank you."

Monica Lewinsky

[vinney]

So there Mr President...



shall we try again...?

vinney

[vinney]

A Texas Midget

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached and hurt almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table and told him to drop his pants.

The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the right testicle and asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor again and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles were still hurting.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around, and discovered he had no pain at all.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel a thing. But, what did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

[vinney]

A Breakfast Treat

The wife is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

The husband wanders in, still in his pajamas.

She turns to him and says, "I need you to make love to me this very minute."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she just says, "Thanks," and returns to the kitchen stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "Well, the egg timer is broke."

[vinney]

College Students


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow."

She continues, "I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student and says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[TinyDancer]

Haha, another thing we can put on the "Useful For" list.....egg timer.  Loved the jokes vinney, thanks for sharing.