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Offline vinney

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Reply #800 on: January 28, 2013, 01:30:13 AM
A man goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn’t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. “Good God, Dear,” he proclaims, “I’ve just had the worst day of my entire life!”

She responds, “You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.”

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline vinney

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Reply #801 on: January 28, 2013, 01:32:51 AM
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second.

“That’s awful,” says the first man. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”

“It’s very uncomfortable at first”, says the second man. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?”

“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.

“What do you mean?” asks the first man.

“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #802 on: January 28, 2013, 02:36:23 AM
THE FREEZER!!! *smacks forehead* I forgot about the freezer! :P

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline vinney

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Reply #803 on: January 29, 2013, 01:05:37 AM
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #804 on: January 29, 2013, 03:21:01 AM
Of course he went and met her in Room 221... ;-) Unless he was gay

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline Katiebee

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Reply #805 on: January 29, 2013, 03:33:06 PM
 .

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.


Offline vinney

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Reply #806 on: January 30, 2013, 03:16:10 PM
Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"

His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #807 on: January 30, 2013, 09:30:18 PM
lol Kids are too damned smart nowadays. :P

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline Latina

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Reply #808 on: January 31, 2013, 05:54:56 AM
 :emot_laughing: ... kids i tell you...

I'm a lady on the street, a Mrs. in the house and whore in the bedroom...


Offline Jem

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Reply #809 on: January 31, 2013, 11:00:56 AM
Who in their right mind would wear white sock with sandals?!? Geez!



TinyDancer

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Reply #810 on: January 31, 2013, 12:21:01 PM
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

vinney my love, was that you at the Sheraton? Ooh-la-la!   :emot_kiss:



Offline vinney

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Reply #811 on: February 01, 2013, 12:22:19 AM
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

vinney my love, was that you at the Sheraton? Ooh-la-la!   :emot_kiss:

Shucks Becca...!!! You got me again... surprised you don't know my elbow by now...  :roll:  Can I have it back now please...?

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline vinney

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Reply #812 on: February 01, 2013, 12:46:18 AM
Getting oral sex from a ugly person is like rock climbing - don't look down...

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline vinney

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Reply #813 on: February 01, 2013, 01:24:11 AM
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.


Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #814 on: February 01, 2013, 02:18:54 AM
And we like you  thinking, Vinney. ;-)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Offline Latina

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Reply #815 on: February 01, 2013, 05:19:43 AM
ohh vinney...  :emot_laughing: love your jokes

I'm a lady on the street, a Mrs. in the house and whore in the bedroom...


Offline Jem

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Reply #816 on: February 01, 2013, 08:30:27 AM
A rural Pastor keeps chickens in the churchyard. One Saturday evening a cock went missing. The next day during church announcements the Pastor asks,

 "Who has a cock?" All the men got up..

"No, I mean, who has SEEN a cock?" All the women got up..

"No, no, no! I meant", getting a little flustered, "who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?" More than half the women in the congregation got up..

"Oh, for goodness sake!! Who has seen MY cock?!?" All the choir girls got up, the Pastors wife fainted..

"Oh, for Christ.s sake!!!!" the Pastor shouted, " a rooster, you whores, a rooster, a fucking rooster!!!"



Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #817 on: February 01, 2013, 09:51:37 AM
"But Pastor, don't all roosters fuck?" :P lol

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant


Malsexie

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Reply #818 on: February 01, 2013, 10:02:55 AM
I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning lotto!! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Such an unfair world - When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife, bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today, Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
 
I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69.
 



Offline GEMINIGUY

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Reply #819 on: February 01, 2013, 10:50:42 AM
Malsexie, you had me cracking up! ;-)

"If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me" - Adam Ant