KRISTEN'S BOARD
KB - a better class of pervert

vinney · **Reply #2720 on:** November 25, 2014, 11:27:21 PM

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for 10 million bucks.

This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where is my 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

Then the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's head, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win. The money is in a briefcase buried behind a shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in New Orleans!"

The Godfather asks the attorney eagerly, "Well, what did he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

msslave · **Reply #2721 on:** November 25, 2014, 11:43:04 PM

Three good ones, Vinney.

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2722 on:** November 26, 2014, 08:50:27 AM

Damn, Vinney, you're on a roll!!!

I hope that vet used a condom...

RopeFiend · **Reply #2723 on:** November 27, 2014, 09:26:08 AM

A man decides to become a monk. He goes to a monastery and is assigned the task of copying the Bible by hand. After a while it occurs to him, "How do I know this copy I am copying is correct?" He brings this up to the head monk, who says that no one has ever asked this question before. So the head monk goes into the basement into a secret vault to check the copy against the original text. Three days go by. The new monk who posed the question begins to worry, so he ventures into the secret vault and finds the head monk there, bent over a book, crying.

"What is wrong?", he asks.

"Oh sweet Lord Jesus," the head monk wails, "the word was Celebrate!!"

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2724 on:** November 27, 2014, 12:50:14 PM

lol It only take ONE letter... ;-)

vinney · **Reply #2725 on:** November 29, 2014, 12:29:33 AM

A couple went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with your technique," and charged them 50 dollars.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges 90 dollars and the Hilton charges 120 dollars."

He continued, "We can do it here for 50 dollars, and still claim 45 dollars back from Medicare!"

vinney · **Reply #2726 on:** November 29, 2014, 12:31:04 AM

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail, when an exceptionally tall and handsome young man entered. He was so striking that the woman couldn't take her eyes off him.

The man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked straight over to her.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything that you want me to, no matter what it is for $20, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked, "What's the condition?"

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just 3 words."

The woman considered his proposal for a moment, reached into her purse and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand, along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and said slowly and meaningfully.....

"Clean my house."

vinney · **Reply #2727 on:** November 29, 2014, 12:32:43 AM

A plane was about to crash with 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The 1st passenger, George W. Bush said, "I'm the President of the United States. I have a great responsibility being the leader of nearly 300 million people". So he takes the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.

The 2nd passenger said, "I'm Chris Webber, one of the world's greatest Basketball players, so I can't afford to die". So he takes the second parachute and leaves the plane.

The 3rd passenger, Hillary Clinton said "I'm the wife of the former United States President, and a New York Senator, and I'm the smartest woman in the world". So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.

The 4th passenger, an old man says to the 5th passenger, a 14 year old boy scout, "I'm old and frail and don't have many years left, so you take the last parachute".

The boy scout replied, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest woman has just jumped out with my haversack!

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2728 on:** November 29, 2014, 01:03:23 AM

OUCH! Let's hope Hilary doesn't hear about THAT one... ;-)

staci · **Reply #2729 on:** November 29, 2014, 05:32:43 PM

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama

couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford

a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian

and told him that he and his cousin didn't want

to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a

procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but

that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,'

said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb,

(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a

beer can(COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count

to 10.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor,

'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I

don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next

to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb

and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began

to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

( you'll love this...)

At which point he paused, placed the

beer can between his legs and

continued counting on his other hand.

TinyDancer · **Reply #2730 on:** November 29, 2014, 08:33:03 PM

LOL....ouch!

msslave · **Reply #2731 on:** November 29, 2014, 09:43:11 PM

Yea Staci. Great one. Love the touch about the cousin too.

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2732 on:** November 30, 2014, 07:54:40 AM

Stacy left Us A LOT of hint about the family. Like they all sleep in one bed.

TinyDancer · **Reply #2733 on:** November 30, 2014, 02:30:56 PM

My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again."

My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing? Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.

Guy: Wanna suck my dick?
Girl: No.
Guy: Probably for the best. I mean, it has a label-Warning! Choking Hazard!
Girl: Isn't that the warning put on tiny objects?

msslave · **Reply #2734 on:** November 30, 2014, 03:48:52 PM

Good ones TD.

vinney · **Reply #2735 on:** November 30, 2014, 07:51:15 PM

vinney · **Reply #2736 on:** November 30, 2014, 11:59:39 PM

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around and eventually stops at a pub to try a pint or two of English beer. He continues sight-seeing and after a while, finds himself in a very high class area. Large stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He desperately needs to go, after all those pints of beer. He sees a narrow side street with high walls surrounding an adjacent buildings, and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby who says, "You can't do that here sir!"

"I'm very sorry officer," replies the American, "but I really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah," said the bobby, "just follow me!" He leads him into the back alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby, "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured lawns, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call British Hospitality?"

"No sir", replied the bobby, "It's what we call the French Embassy."

GEMINIGUY · **Reply #2737 on:** December 01, 2014, 12:18:13 AM

lol At least it wasn't the American Embassy!

vinney · **Reply #2738 on:** December 01, 2014, 12:43:32 AM

Quote from: Geminiguy on December 01, 2014, 12:18:13 AM

lol At least it wasn't the American Embassy!

Now would we ever do that to the American Embassy...? I think not...

vinney

Sensualtravler · **Reply #2739 on:** December 01, 2014, 02:56:21 AM

Q: If a dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: What's a blond's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: Why do men like masturbation?
A: It's sex with someone they love.

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.

Q: What's the worst part about eating a vegetable?

A: Putting her back in the wheelchair

Q: How can you tell a blonde's been using your computer?

A: There's whiteout all over the screen.

Joke of the Day

TinyDancer

TinyDancer