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Offline msslave

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Reply #3580 on: May 07, 2020, 02:38:31 PM
Poor Dan...guess it's all in the delivery and timing. :emot_laughing:

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Offline purpleshoes

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Reply #3581 on: May 08, 2020, 12:31:39 PM

I'll share a joke that my daughter told the other day.  

Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.

The funniest part was her laughing hysterically at her joke.  Which got the whole family laughing.  

I love listening to kids tell jokes, especially when they're cracking up while they tell it.

Ask her if she's heard the one about the roof. Then say, Never mind, it's over your head.

And Dan countered with

Back in my day you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.

And nobody laughed.


I did!  :emot_laughing:



Offline purpleshoes

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Reply #3582 on: May 08, 2020, 01:39:40 PM
Funny how we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it.

Good times...



Offline Jed_

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Reply #3583 on: May 08, 2020, 01:51:21 PM
And Dan countered with

Back in my day you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.

And nobody laughed.



Well I laughed reading that, make sure he knows.

In fact, I’m going to use that although these days I have an audience of one for jokes.



seveninchblues

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Reply #3584 on: May 08, 2020, 07:10:51 PM
This morning my yogurt blew up all over me and my wife called out, "Bukkake!"



_priapism

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Reply #3585 on: May 13, 2020, 04:45:20 AM
A judge was interviewing a Blonde woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
 She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
 "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
 "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
 "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
 "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
 He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
 "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
 "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
 "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
 "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
 "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
 Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
 "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"



Offline Shiela_M

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Reply #3586 on: May 18, 2020, 05:52:25 PM
What does covid-19 and the vietnam war have in common?

Trump ran away from both.



_priapism

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Reply #3587 on: May 18, 2020, 07:06:51 PM
What does covid-19 and the vietnam war have in common?

Trump ran away from both.

 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:

And over 50,000 unnecessary deaths...



Offline ObiDongKenobi

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Reply #3588 on: May 18, 2020, 09:00:07 PM


Three nuns and their Mother Superior died on the same day.  At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter who said he had to ask them each a religious question before allowing them to enter heaven.

St. Peter to first nun: "What was the name of the first man on earth?"
First Nun: "Adam"
St. Peter: "Correct sister, in you go."

St. Peter to second nun: "What was the name of the first woman on earth?"
Second Nun: "Eve"
St. Peter: "Correct sister, in you go."

St. Peter to third nun: "What was the name of the place where Adam and Eve lived?"
Third Nun: "The Garden of Eden"
St. Peter: "Correct sister, in you go."

St. Peter: "Now Mother Superior because of your seniority your question has to be a more difficult. What were Eve's first words when she saw Adam?"
Mother Superior: "Mmmm, that is a hard one."
St. Peter: "In you go."





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Offline msslave

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Reply #3589 on: May 18, 2020, 09:07:30 PM
 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:
Guess she spoke from experience. ;D

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Offline msslave

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Reply #3590 on: May 18, 2020, 10:25:34 PM
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


Offline Finkelsmithstein

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Reply #3591 on: May 28, 2020, 09:15:59 PM
Great Joke  :emot_laughing:



Offline watcher1

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Reply #3592 on: June 03, 2020, 02:38:49 PM

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.


Offline msslave

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Reply #3593 on: June 03, 2020, 02:44:02 PM
 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville


_priapism

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Reply #3594 on: June 03, 2020, 07:32:03 PM
An oldie, but a goody!   :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:

for those of you who have not heard of "Bruster the Rooster"

Bruster the Rooster was the horniest thing alive.  He'd try to breed anything alive.  Of course, he tended to all the hens, but he'd also try the goat, dog, gopher or anything else he could catch.

The farmer kept telling him, "Bruster, you're going to fuck yourself to death one day."

One summer day the farmer looks out his window and sees Bruster laying motionless in the yard, buzzards circling overhead.  The farmer walks out to the body, shovel in hand, and says:
"Bruster, I told ya you were going to kill yourself."

Bruster opened one eye, pointed up and said "Shhh, they're about to land."



Offline watcher1

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Reply #3595 on: June 05, 2020, 03:53:13 PM

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.


Offline msslave

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Reply #3596 on: June 05, 2020, 04:02:53 PM
 :emot_laughing: Well...at least that's something I won't hear from my wife.

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Offline AB-2007

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Reply #3597 on: June 06, 2020, 09:58:34 PM
For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write, 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.'



_priapism

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Reply #3598 on: June 06, 2020, 10:07:35 PM

On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.'


LOL. And woo.  I seem to recall watcher’s woman is Italian. 




Offline Shiela_M

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Reply #3599 on: June 06, 2020, 10:47:21 PM
And here I'm thinking the "extra sauce" is what got him into this mess.