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Author Topic: Joke of the Day  (Read 234879 times)
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ObiDongKenobi
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« Reply #3660 on: October 21, 2020, 05:25:08 PM »

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msslave
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« Reply #3661 on: October 22, 2020, 12:11:33 PM »

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ToeinH2O
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« Reply #3662 on: October 24, 2020, 09:47:19 PM »

An elderly man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...
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« Reply #3663 on: October 28, 2020, 01:24:37 AM »

Florida woman stops 12 ft gator with .22 pistol!
 
Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 calibre Ruger Pistol. Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

"If I had not had my little Ruger .22 calibre pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!”
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« Reply #3664 on: October 28, 2020, 08:15:31 AM »

LOL!  Good one!  emot_laughing
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« Reply #3665 on: October 31, 2020, 02:47:53 PM »

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did, and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
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MintJulie
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« Reply #3666 on: October 31, 2020, 02:57:51 PM »

Funny, Purple!
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msslave
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« Reply #3667 on: October 31, 2020, 06:00:41 PM »

What do rednecks do on Halloween?





Pump Kin. facepalm emot_laughing
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« Reply #3668 on: October 31, 2020, 08:49:17 PM »

• An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony
- Jill Thomas Doyle
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« Reply #3669 on: November 01, 2020, 02:46:03 AM »

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. 
They turn a corner and see a sign that says...
 "Old Timers Bar, ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to
be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room...
"Come on in and let me pour one for you!  What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.  In no
time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and
says... "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
 
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. 
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender saying...
"That's 40 cents, please."
   
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as
good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million
and decided to open this place.

Every drink costs a dime.  Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
 
"Wow!  That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven
other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of
them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the
Bartender... "What's with them?"
   
The bartender says... "They're retired people from Florida. 
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
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« Reply #3670 on: November 01, 2020, 12:16:06 PM »


• A dyslexic walks into a bra.


That's some funny stuff!  emot_laughing emot_laughing
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ObiDongKenobi
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« Reply #3671 on: November 01, 2020, 02:30:24 PM »


A colon and a semicolon walk into a bar: the colon has a gutful; the semicolon orders a half

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« Reply #3672 on: November 02, 2020, 07:21:40 PM »

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. 
They turn a corner and see a sign that says...
 "Old Timers Bar, ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to
be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room...
"Come on in and let me pour one for you!  What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.  In no
time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and
says... "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
 
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. 
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender saying...
"That's 40 cents, please."
   
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as
good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million
and decided to open this place.

Every drink costs a dime.  Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
 
"Wow!  That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven
other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of
them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the
Bartender... "What's with them?"
   
The bartender says... "They're retired people from Florida. 
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."


From Florida via New York City.... Grin Grin
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« Reply #3673 on: November 03, 2020, 05:48:29 AM »

Old Jim is hiking to his favorite fishin' hole... He finds a weird mason jar.
He opens it and, POOF!
A cloud of smoke, and....
"I'm a discount genie! I can grant you a wish Jim because you released me!"
Jim thinks for a second.... "HMMMM. Ok, I want a series of private roads only for my use, from my house to my favorite hunting and fishing spots"...
The genie points to the mason jar... "I'm a discount genie! Do you realize the zoning and construction costs alone!? I'd need to build private roads through the middle of 3 city blocks!"
"OK", Jim says, "Then I want to know everything there is to know about every woman. What makes them tick, how they really think, and how to be what they think is the perfect man"...
Discount genie looks at Jim for a moment and says...
"You want them roads to be one lane or two?"...
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ObiDongKenobi
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« Reply #3674 on: November 04, 2020, 04:38:49 PM »

Old Jim is hiking to his favorite fishin' hole... He finds a weird mason jar.
He opens it and, POOF!
A cloud of smoke, and....
"I'm a discount genie! I can grant you a wish Jim because you released me!"
Jim thinks for a second.... "HMMMM. Ok, I want a series of private roads only for my use, from my house to my favorite hunting and fishing spots"...
The genie points to the mason jar... "I'm a discount genie! Do you realize the zoning and construction costs alone!? I'd need to build private roads through the middle of 3 city blocks!"
"OK", Jim says, "Then I want to know everything there is to know about every woman. What makes them tick, how they really think, and how to be what they think is the perfect man"...
Discount genie looks at Jim for a moment and says...
"You want them roads to be one lane or two?"...

 emot_laughing
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