Joke of the Day

[Asmodel]

Q: What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people if used incorrectly, and works well when jerked ?
A: A seatbelt.

[Asmodel]

[MintJulie]

That was funny.  Didn't see that coming.

[purpleshoes]

Two men were in the doctor's office. Each of them is there to get a vasectomy.

Nurse comes into the room and tells both men to, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedure done."

A few minutes later, she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle his pecker, and ultimately begins to masturbate him.

Shocked as he is, he asks, "Why are you doing that?"

She replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

The man, not wanting to cause a problem  (and enjoying it) allows her to complete her task.

After she is through, she proceeds to the next man. She starts to fondle him as she had the first man, but then drops to her knees and starts to suck him off.

The first man, seeing this, quickly asks, "Hey! Why is it that I get jerked off and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse simply replies, "That's the difference between Medicare and Private Health Insurance coverage."

[Asmodel]

A man had been very much hammered while heading to bed,
In the middle of the night, he started crying in his sleep, saying “I’ve lost my prick! I’ve lost my nuts!”
His wife, who had been sleeping beside woke up and told him to go back to sleep, and to take his hand out of her panties.

[purpleshoes]

The ultimate joke on mankind is that computers are now requiring us to prove we are a human and not a robot.

[Pornhubby]

The ultimate joke on mankind is that computers are now requiring us to prove we are a human and not a robot.

And conspiracy theorists are using their smart phones to post warnings about computer chips in vaccines.

[purpleshoes]

My ability to remember the lyrics to songs popular in the 1960s greatly exceeds my ability to remember why I just walked into the kitchen. 

[watcher1]

My ability to remember the lyrics to songs popular in the 1960s greatly exceeds my ability to remember why I just walked into the kitchen. 

As one ages, it seems we can remember more things of what we did at an earlier age then we could have maybe when we were in our 40s.

[watcher1]

A senior couple goes to the doctor. The doctor first visits the husband:
- Everything seems to be fine. Are you having problems?
- Well, nothing special but when I make love with my wife, the first time, there are no problems at all. But, the second time I feel very sweaty and this annoys me.
After having visited the wife, the doctor asks her a question:
- To me, everything is ok but your husband says, when you are having sex, that the first time there are no problems while the second time he gets very sweaty. Do you know the reason for that?
- Sure, doctor. The first time is in January. The second is in August.

[Army of One]

And now, a message from one of our sponsors...

When you want to raise spirits at a party, try...

Mediums!

We will now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

[Hoss]

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Vladimir Putin," she says.

"Why Vladimir Putin?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give him a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad and maybe start loving people a little bit.

"And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to President Putin, he'd love everyone a lot.
"And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

 Her father's heart swelled and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

 "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, we could shoot the fucker!"

[Hilda]

When you want to raise spirits at a party, try..

Mediums!

I've met a few (mediums, that is). Plus a few others who called themselves channelers. I thought they were hilarious but kept my thoughts to myself.

[purpleshoes]

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

 "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, we could shoot the fucker!"

Note to self... do not take a drink of coffee when reading Hoss jokes. 

Woo

[Pornhubby]

 "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, we could shoot the fucker!"

[purpleshoes]

I was actually winning an argument with my wife.

Then she took off her top and bra.

Now I know what a booby trap means. 

[Clitical Thinking]

I saw a tweet today "bukkake is technically a baby shower" and I'm still laughing 

[Wildcat666]

I was actually winning an argument with my wife.

Then she took off her top and bra.

Now I know what a booby trap means. 

Good one purpleshoes   

And I know what you mean.

Its like knockers.

My GF shrugged her shoulders and knocked me out.

[Hoss]

On her first day at the seniors' complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory for the females."

"Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60." 

Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180." 

"Are there any questions?"

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

[Shiela_M]

Driving to work this morning, and this guy in an oncoming car was shaving with an electric razor and not paying attention to the road, next thing I know he's halfway in my lane.  Well it caused me to drop my eyeliner and when I tried to catch it I dropped my donut out of my other, which landed in my coffee that was tucked between my legs giving me a terrible burn on my thigh which caused me to scream into my phone that was tucked between shoulder and ear and frightened the person in the other end...

That stupid asshole needs to pay attention to the road.