Joke of the Day

[Writers Bloque]

A non aussie here, but what are Paddies?

Three men and a young boy are on a boat in the middle of the lake. The sun has just started to rise and the fish are biting.

The boy is just starting to notice girls, and seeks advice from the older men on how to tell if a girl likes you.

"If she punches you every time she sees you, then she likes you." The boys Uncle says while baiting his hook.

"If she wont leave you the fuck alone, then she likes you." The boys oldest cousin says while reeling in a fish.

"If she thinks you are some sort of superman, who does no wrong. Then she likes you." His father said, while sipping his coffee.

Three weeks later..

The three men gather for one last fishing trip of the season. The boy, who always loves to go fishing is notably absent.

"So where is the kid?" The cousin asks, as they load the gear and hitch the boat trailer to the truck.

"Well the idiot found the girl of his young dreams. First he lets her punch him, not knowing her daddy was teaching her boxing and she dislocated his jaw." The father recalls the tale.

"Then the girl started following him around, which freaked him out, as he couldn't deal with it, so the took off on his bike out into traffic, which, by the grace of god, he only broke his arm and leg."

"And to top it off, some older boys were hassling the girl, and he tried stepping up, while his jaw was hurting, his arm and leg were busted to save her. He fought hard, but was dropped by the girls wild punch." The father finished.

"So what happened next?" The Uncle asked.

"We signed the marriage certificate." The father said shaking his head before they headed out.

[ObiDongKenobi]

A non aussie here, but what are Paddies?

A now somewhat derogatory term, along with Mick, for those of the Irish persuasion.  Paddy is a diminutive of Patrick, which is assumed by stereotypers to be the most common male first name in Ireland as well as their patron saint.

Woo to Hoss BTW.

[purpleshoes]

A Native American youth unexpectedly found himself alone with his mother and decided to ask her about something that had been bothering him.

"Mother," he said, "Is it true that you named my brother Leaping Deer because that's the first thing you saw after he was born?"

"Yes, that is true," his mother replied.

"Is it true that you named my sister Sunlit Sky because that's the first thing you saw after she was born?"

"Yes, my son that is also true," his mother said patiently. "But tell me, why are you asking such questions, Pooping Dog?"

[watcher1]

A non aussie here, but what are Paddies?

A now somewhat derogatory term, along with Mick, for those of the Irish persuasion.  Paddy is a diminutive of Patrick, which is assumed by stereotypers to be the most common male first name in Ireland as well as their patron saint.

Woo to Hoss BTW.

Not so long ago, in major U.S. cities where there were large concentrations of Irish Americans, the police force would have a vehicle that was used to haul multiple people that had been arrested. Sometimes they even hauled bodies to the morgue. The unofficial name given to these vehicles was Paddy wagon.

WOO to the latest batch of joke posters.

[Blue_Eyes]

PEEING ON MY FLOWERS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

[Pornhubby]

PEEING ON MY FLOWERS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

 

[purpleshoes]

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist:

While you were arguing about what was in the glass, I drank it.

The Opportunist 

[watcher1]

A Shiek offered anyone who could swim the length of his Olympic size pool $25,000,000. There were three takers: a Frenchman. an American and an Englishman.

Just as they were taking their places at one end of the pool, the Shiek nods to his assistant, who then opens a gate in which two great white sharks swim out of into the pool.

The Frenchman runs away.

The American faints.

The Englishman dives into the water and swims the fastest anyone has ever seen to the other end and exits the pool the winner.

When questioned how he could dive into a pool with sharks in it and swim across it as fast as he did, the Englishman replied, "Who is the asshole who pushed me in".   

[ObiDongKenobi]

  - wait…….?

[Shiela_M]

What is an eggs favorite song to sing?  Eggs dont sing silly?

Do you know why I knock on the fridge door before opening it?  In case there us salad dressing.

What do you get when you cross a polar bear and a seal?  A polar bear.

[Shiela_M]

Dad's going to start a business to help short people with math. He's going to call it "the small things count"

[purpleshoes]

Always make sure one in the relationship has good credit.

That one is what they call the Significant Other.

(sign-if-i-can't)

[Shiela_M]

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

[watcher1]

I bought some shoes from a drug-dealer; I don't know what he did to the laces because I was trippin!   

[Pornhubby]

Pilot friend told me this joke.

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 767, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 767 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly):

"Yes, twice in 1944. But it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

[purpleshoes]

Being kissed while you're asleep is one of the purest forms of love.

Well, unless you're in prison.

[purpleshoes]

My ex-girlfriend just called and told me she wants us to get back together again.

Wow! I'm so lucky I can't believe it.

First I win the lottery and now Amanda wants me back!

[Writers Bloque]

How many rich movie stars does it take to screw in a light bulb?

none, they screw in hot tubs, not light bulbs.

This happened the other night when I dived back into an online multiplayer game for the first time in months:

Apparently two "gamer" girls were locked in a heated space battle with each other.

One was a twitch streamer, the other not.

Their conversation in chat goes like this:

Girl 1: Ugh, die already, my viewers are leaving.
Girl 2: If you were not trash, you would have beaten me already.
Girl 1: Don't be jealous, just because I have what it takes to get the boys to watch.
Girl 2: Sure, being a vapid slut sure does bring the views.
Girl 1: Jealous, much?
Girl 2: Nope, just better than you.
Girl 1: not in any life.
Girl 2: Its really simple, I can say one thing to win this fight.
Girl 1: What?

By this point the server was watching this exchange, some cheering for the streamer, while others were trolling or not giving a damned, taking pot shots in passing at them. Girl 2 stopped talking entirely for a good chunk of the fight. When the fight was all but won by the streamer girl, girl two enters chat with a link. Following the link brought you to a private stream of the girl riding a symbian while playing the game.

In the girls private stream, she asks anyone watching who is playing the same game to help her if they wanted. The first fifty guys to show up to help will get a free full video of her getting railed by her toys.

Girl 1: Any last words?
Girl 2: Only 4
Girl 1: What are they?
Girl 2: Pound my ass Daddy!

The game descended into utter chaos as fleets of horny men flooded the area of the fight and totally decimated the first girl. It was not even fair.

I tell this story as I fap to a real nerd college girl getting pounded by a machine.

An old saying my grandmother used to tell the girls in my family...

"Sometimes a woman's blessed with beauty and a body. Sometimes though the best of the gifts a woman can get is a sharp mind..."

[purpleshoes]

I donated 4 pints of blood today.

Never doing it again though. They ask way too many questions.

Whose blood is this? Where did you get it from? Why do you have it?

[Shiela_M]

Too funny!🤣😂