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Author Topic: Joke of the Day  (Read 234785 times)
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ToeinH2O
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« Reply #3675 on: November 04, 2020, 07:01:49 PM »

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other is a *great* year.
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« Reply #3676 on: November 05, 2020, 10:23:09 AM »

"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day." — Chinese proverb
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« Reply #3677 on: November 11, 2020, 03:41:29 PM »

An elderly couple were packing up their items to move into a smaller place. The man happened to find a shoebox on the top shelf of a cabinet. When he opened the shoebox he found three eggs and $200 in paper money.

He brought the shoebox to his wife and asked her did she know why there were three eggs and $200 in a shoebox.  She sheepishly looked at her husband and said that each egg represents one time she cheated on him.  The husband, figuring three times in the fifty years they have been married was not a lot, especially after all the fun times they have had. 

He then asked his wife what was the significance of the $200.  She replied that every time she had a dozen eggs she would sell them...
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« Reply #3678 on: November 12, 2020, 01:54:06 PM »

There were three guys and they were all really good friends.  One German, one Italian, and one Polish.  They all worked in construction and were working on a large high-rise building.  The time came for lunch so the went, got their food and sat down on a beam to eat.

The German guy opened his lunchbox and seeing that once again, his wife had made him bratwurst, he said in frustration, “my god, again with the bratwurst.  I swear that if I get bratwurst for lunch tomorrow I'm going to jump off this thing and kill myself.”

The other two shared a look and then the Italian guy opened his lunchbox, and saw a calzone.  Like his German friend he made the same declaration, “If I get calzone tomorrow I too, will jump off this beam.”

The polish guy looked at both his friends and opened his lunchbox.  He looked to his friends and said, “I get where you two are coming from.  If I get these pierogi again tomorrow I’ll jump off this beam as well.”

They all ate there food with frustration, finished work and went home.  The next day the work horn blew and all three met in the same spot for lunch.  They all shared a look before opening their lunchboxes together.  Inside they found bratwurst, calzone, and pierogi.  After writing a quick note to their intentions they all jumped together and perished.

A week later they had a joined funeral because they were such great friends.  The three wives stood together with tears in their eyes.

The German's wife said, “why didn’t he just tell me he hated the bratwurst, I would have made him anything else.”

The Italian’s wife agreed, “I would have cooked him the finest food if I knew he hated the calzone so much.”

The Pollack’s wife shook her head crying, “I should have never let him pack his own lunch.”
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MintJulie
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« Reply #3679 on: November 12, 2020, 02:00:10 PM »

The Pollack’s wife shook her head crying, “I should have never let him pack his own lunch.”

I'll be telling my father this one later.  I can imagine his laugh now.  His best friend is Polish and I know Daddy will be telling it to him.
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« Reply #3680 on: November 26, 2020, 10:43:28 PM »

ohnny got pissed.  This clown will never learn, he’ll keep this up till he dies.  This was what all that work was for. He was the king of snappy comebacks, and nobody talks to the king that way.  Johnny red faced and angry as all hell turned and stormed up the stage, got right into that clowns face and said.

“FUCK YOU CLOWN!”

Took me eight and a half hours to read all the joke posts from thread inception to this one.

Took me 2 naps, three meals and 2 showers to get to the punch line of this single joke. (might of taken a couple of ummm.. breaks reading a few nc stories  as well)
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« Reply #3681 on: November 27, 2020, 09:57:19 PM »

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« Reply #3682 on: November 29, 2020, 02:21:49 PM »

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« Reply #3683 on: December 01, 2020, 04:45:20 PM »

Eh? What'd ya say Santa?
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« Reply #3684 on: December 02, 2020, 02:32:54 PM »

What did the leper say to the whore?






















Keep the tip
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« Reply #3685 on: December 02, 2020, 02:51:56 PM »

A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.
She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositioned like this. Alas he remembers the wedding ring on his finger and frowns. "I suppose I'll carry on to success?"

She smiles again and with the wave of her hand, the door slides open, revealing a modest but nonetheless quite lovely vestibule. He leaves his suitcase at the lobby, and almost as though in a trance, wanders through.

Inside, he sees a table, or more accurately, a polished slab of white marble. Lying atop the marble is another lady, even more attractive than the first, clad more than a little immodestly. She slides over to meet his awestruck gaze and offers him a dazzling smile, her red lips parting to reveal a perfect row of teeth. She looks at him with eyes that seem to flicker between shades of the most exquisite turquoise gems and with a sensual finger, unbuttons a shirt button.

The traveller musters up a queasy smile and attempts a wave.

"You can take me, right here right now. You can do whatever you like to me, baby." She gestures towards a door at the end of the corridor. "Or," she whispers, "you can carry on to success."

Now trembling uncontrollably, the traveller ignores the visceral scream inside urging him to stay with this goddess, and manages a mumbled apology, avoiding eye contact and somehow making it to the door despite being partially blinded by the cold beads of sweat now streaming down his brow.

Into the next room he goes, and the next, and the next. Each room more palatial, each girl defying all possible expectations of beauty, each girl offering themselves, each girl offering him to carry on to success.

Each time, the traveller promises himself to stop at the next room, but now he is positively broken, spellbound at the possibilities of what may greet him should he continue.

"Carry on to success," he breathes. It has become his mantra.

With a deep breath, he stumbles through a door and gasps as it slams shut behind him. He surveys his surroundings and cannot help but be perplexed when he sees the yellowing walls, the flickering fluorescent bulb hanging above his head at a lopsided angle.

His investigation is interrupted by a phlegmy cough and he turns around.

Standing in front of him is a beast of a man, wearing nothing but a greasy cloth, and the rug of hair adorning everywhere but his scalp.

Reeling at the stench that permeates his nostrils, he coughs, "what the fuck is this?"

The man puts a finger on the traveller's mouth, and with the other hand, strokes his cheek. "Shhhh, baby, it's okay, it's okay." A toothy grin follows and he pushes the traveller on to the filthy mattress in the centre of the cell. "I'm Cess."
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ObiDongKenobi
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« Reply #3686 on: December 02, 2020, 03:35:39 PM »

 emot_laughing emot_laughing emot_laughing
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« Reply #3687 on: December 02, 2020, 04:26:56 PM »


Funny Tmacc.
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