I thought that letting him in would be enough, would be easy, it was. But then I realised the complete honesty and trust needed and the resulting intensity of our play and relationship meant that my until now vanilla hole in the heart was not big enough to accommodate even his little toe.
Gradually he has stretched and carved that hole a little bigger...is he done yet? I don't know and neither does he, its unexplored territory. I want him there and he wants to be there but we are making sure everything is in place to make it easy and to make it easy to stay there.
We have separate (mostly) vanilla lives and when he isn't here...I feel so empty. Tasks distract me for a while. His comfy jumper that smells of him...his toys, our rope, his thoughtful words and our long phone calls...they help to fill the void but its a big hole.
I want him here all the time because when he is here life seems right. All my cares melt away. I can have fun even just sat watching TV with him. I feel on top of the world. Any fears or problems get dealt with straight away, disclosure is always easier for me when he is there to hold me and make it safe for me to say what I need to.
I love you Sir and I miss you. Nothing can replace the feeling of being in your arms or when you allow me to hold you, 'cause you see, there's a Sir-shaped hole in heart (and arms) that only you can fill.