Advice to my boys...

[joe_and_michelle]

Introduce yourself by name, firm handshake, eye contact, and a smile.  No limp noodle or sweaty grips.  No bone crushing vises either...

I should have thought of this one.   As far back as I can remember, whenever my dad would shake hands with a limp wrist or noodle arm, he would always say, "That guy shakes hands like a pussy."   

[Katiebee]

Love deeply, love often, love intensely. Your emotions should always be known, you don't have to be a drama queen.

[Athos_131]

Don't stand in the fire!

[phtlc]

LOL. Well, alright, some mothers are horrible, but I don't think my son will think I'm that horrible.

Just hope they never find out about your young boy fantasies. They might find that a bit weird.  

[Bexy]

Love deeply, love often, love intensely. Your emotions should always be known, you don't have to be a drama queen.

I disagree. Be stoic like Clint Eastwood, it will make women swoon.

[Well Behaved Lady]

Love deeply, love often, love intensely. Your emotions should always be known, you don't have to be a drama queen.

I disagree. Be stoic like Clint Eastwood, it will make women swoon.

I disagree. Just be yourself.

[Well Behaved Lady]

Love deeply, love often, love intensely. Your emotions should always be known, you don't have to be a drama queen.

I disagree. Be stoic like Clint Eastwood, it will make women swoon.

I disagree. Just be yourself.

My youngest has had his first taste of romance, and heartache, this year.  I told him, "Understand you are not for every woman, nor is every woman for you.  Be yourself, and stand true to that.  You'll attract the right woman for you, once you are comfortable in your own skin."

Exactly.

[Bexy]

Love deeply, love often, love intensely. Your emotions should always be known, you don't have to be a drama queen.

I disagree. Be stoic like Clint Eastwood, it will make women swoon.

I disagree. Just be yourself.

The trouble is that that's literally the worst advice you can give to a guy who doesn't manage to attract a lady because he's e.g. often shy, insecure etc. 'Just be yourself' is not going to help him. He'll need to be taught that he needs to grow and feel secure. But alas too many people just give others well-meant but unhelpful pats on the back and say 'Just be yourself', when often the guy 'being himself' is actually the guy not being secure enough. So it's basically telling him 'don't change or improve anything'.

[Well Behaved Lady]

Love deeply, love often, love intensely. Your emotions should always be known, you don't have to be a drama queen.

I disagree. Be stoic like Clint Eastwood, it will make women swoon.

I disagree. Just be yourself.

The trouble is that that's literally the worst advice you can give to a guy who doesn't manage to attract a lady because he's e.g. often shy, insecure etc. 'Just be yourself' is not going to help him. He'll need to be taught that he needs to grow and feel secure. But alas too many people just give others well-meant but unhelpful pats on the back and say 'Just be yourself', when often the guy 'being himself' is actually the guy not being secure enough. So it's basically telling him 'don't change or improve anything'.

I still disagree, from personal experience I wouldn't have fallen for the man I did if he had been anything but who he is. There was no look at me I'm all that as if there had of been I wouldn't have been interested. He's friendly, intelligent and funny and if that doesn't get a girl interested then she isn't the girl for you.

I'm not the pat on the back type of person at all. Growing and feeling secure comes with the knock backs in life.

[Bexy]

I still disagree, from personal experience I wouldn't have fallen for the man I did if he had been anything but who he is. There was no look at me I'm all that as if there had of been I wouldn't have been interested. He's friendly, intelligent and funny and if that doesn't get a girl interested then she isn't the girl for you.

I'm not the pat on the back type of person at all. Growing and feeling secure comes with the knock backs in life.

Sure, he 'is who he is', but how did he BECOME that man? Perhaps he was insecure too at some point and an older or more experienced man or woman told him 'Hey, don't drool like that, girls find it unattractive. Stand up straight'. And that helped him in looking at how his own behaviour influenced his interactions and successes.

Sure, growing comes from knocks back in life but ALSO from pro-actively learning stuff from people who are succesful in areas you want to be succesful in, right? I found books like 'Men are from Mars, women from Venus' to be helpful in understanding the differences between men and women.

As a mother I want to teach my son a few things on how to become succesful in life. Standing shyly and awkward in the corner with a nerdy haircut and being overweight is probably not going to attract the pretty/fun/smart girl he would like to land, right? Telling a guy like that 'just be yourself' isn't very helpful in my opinion.

I believe giving advice on how to become succesful in life is important. What children do with that advice is up to them of course as everyone has to learn for himself.

I have a girlfriend who is very overweight and pretty much a slob in her apartment. She complains about not being able to find a decent man. Telling her 'just be yourself' isn't very helpful. Of course, nobody really wants to tell her that she needs to go on a diet and clean her place up, but that's exactly what one of her other girlfriends did and now she's has hit the gym and is beginning to make an effort in her apartment. I think that's going to help her in attracting the man she wants. You attract what you exude and 'being yourself' is sadly often used as an excuse to not improve oneself.

[Well Behaved Lady]

I still disagree, from personal experience I wouldn't have fallen for the man I did if he had been anything but who he is. There was no look at me I'm all that as if there had of been I wouldn't have been interested. He's friendly, intelligent and funny and if that doesn't get a girl interested then she isn't the girl for you.

I'm not the pat on the back type of person at all. Growing and feeling secure comes with the knock backs in life.

Sure, he 'is who he is', but how did he BECOME that man? Perhaps he was insecure too at some point and an older or more experienced man or woman told him 'Hey, don't drool like that, girls find it unattractive. Stand up straight'. And that helped him in looking at how his own behaviour influenced his interactions and successes.

Sure, growing comes from knocks back in life but ALSO from pro-actively learning stuff from people who are succesful in areas you want to be succesful in, right? I found books like 'Men are from Mars, women from Venus' to be helpful in understanding the differences between men and women.

As a mother I want to teach my son a few things on how to become succesful in life. Standing shyly and awkward in the corner with a nerdy haircut and being overweight is probably not going to attract the pretty/fun/smart girl he would like to land, right? Telling a guy like that 'just be yourself' isn't very helpful in my opinion.

I believe giving advice on how to become succesful in life is important. What children do with that advice is up to them of course as everyone has to learn for himself.

I have a girlfriend who is very overweight and pretty much a slob in her apartment. She complains about not being able to find a decent man. Telling her 'just be yourself' isn't very helpful. Of course, nobody really wants to tell her that she needs to go on a diet and clean her place up, but that's exactly what one of her other girlfriends did and now she's has hit the gym and is beginning to make an effort in her apartment. I think that's going to help her in attracting the man she wants. You attract what you exude and 'being yourself' is sadly often used as an excuse to not improve oneself.

And this is where I can't be assed to post any further simply as I can't put into words what I mean when I say just be yourself, without sounding like I'm rambling.

I think the advice Toe is posting will serve his sons well.

[Bexy]

And this is where I can't be assed to post any further simply as I can't put into words what I mean when I say just be yourself, without sounding like I'm rambling.

I think the advice Toe is posting will serve his sons well.

Did you mean 'Don't PRETEND to be someone you're not', perhaps? I would agree with that partially. It's never a good idea to pretend you're different from who you really are, but there is also a thing called 'fake it till you make it'. There was a vid on Ted somewhere about a very shy woman who forced herself to pretend to be confident when speaking in public, till she actually BECAME confident speaking in public, because that's what she aspired. So it can be a stepping stone in some instances towards growth, but outright pretending to like soccer games for example when you don't, just to get someone to like you, is a bad idea.

[Well Behaved Lady]

And this is where I can't be assed to post any further simply as I can't put into words what I mean when I say just be yourself, without sounding like I'm rambling.

I think the advice Toe is posting will serve his sons well.

Did you mean 'Don't PRETEND to be someone you're not', perhaps? I would agree with that partially. It's never a good idea to pretend you're different from who you really are, but there is also a thing called 'fake it till you make it'. There was a vid on Ted somewhere about a very shy woman who forced herself to pretend to be confident when speaking in public, till she actually BECAME confident speaking in public, because that's what she aspired. So it can be a stepping stone in some instances towards growth, but outright pretending to like soccer games for example when you don't, just to get someone to like you, is a bad idea.

I wouldn't go for the 'fake it til you make it' in a relationship situation.

[Bexy]

I wouldn't go for the 'fake it til you make it' in a relationship situation.

Well, I don't know if 'fake it till you make it' conveys the right message, but I don't know how else to put it. I'd like to see it more like this: starting and maintaining relationships, like all things in life, also require certain skills (social skills, learning social cues, learning what is appropriate, learning body language etc.) and the only way to pick up skills is to try out different approaches, right? Trial and error. We all fuck up and learn from it.

So, I see 'fake it till you make it' in relationships more as picking up social skills. Tell a shy guy to straighten his shoulders and breathe deeply when he gets anxious in social situations or in a relationship and this will eventually help him in actually becoming less shy and more confident when he notices the positive reactions he gets, right? Perhaps he doesn't 'feel like himself' and it 'feels like faking' when he's trying out this new approach at first, but with practice it can gradually actually make him into a confident guy where he is no longer 'faking' it.

[Bexy]

Confidence isn't learned, it's earned, mostly through successes and lessons learned from mistakes. If an individual is not happy with the way they are then they absolutely should work towards changing themselves. Trying to change yourself to fit some mold to suit other people is not a good idea and generally will not lead to happiness.

Earned, learned. Isn't it saying the same thing? Namely that you gained more confidence with experience?

"I learned to be more confident, through interacting with people a lot."

"I earned more confidence, through interacting with people a lot."

Perhaps I'm not grasping a nuance here? I'm not a native speaker, but it sounds the same to me.

[redhatlover]

Learning is something that you actively do.  Earning something is a reward for accomplishments.  It is a nuance, but I believe confidence is a little of both.  It is like earning a degree.  You have to work for it, but you have to meet other people's approval to get it.

[brody]

My child, beware of "good enough,"
It isn't made of sterling stuff;
It's something anyone can do;
It marks the many not the few.
The flaw which may escape the eye
And temporarily get by
Shall weaken underneath the strain
And wreak the ship, the car or plane.
With "good enough," the car breaks down,
And one falls short of high renown.
My child, remember and be wise,
In "good enough" disaster lies.
With "good enough," the shirkers stop
In every factory and shop;
With "good enough," the failures rest
And lose to one who gives the best.
Who stops at "good enough" shall find
Success has left them far behind.
Be this true of all your your stuff—
Only the best is "good enough."   

~by Edgar A. Guest

[brody]

[Bexy]

Learning is something that you actively do.  Earning something is a reward for accomplishments.  It is a nuance, but I believe confidence is a little of both.  It is like earning a degree.  You have to work for it, but you have to meet other people's approval to get it.

Good point. If you look at it that way, it is indeed a little of both.

[Bexy]

I was really saying that it can't be taught by a second or third party, just I thought "learned not earned" had a better ring to it.

Certainly telling a young man (or woman) that they need to act a particular way in order to be attractive will do nothing for their confidence, especially if they are somewhat insecure to begin with.

Doesn't that depend on what exactly you're telling them and the way you are telling them? If you tell a shy person: "It's ok, I used to be this nervous too, but I learned that taking deep breaths helps to calm me down and gets people to respond more positively to me." I think this might be helpful and aid him to gain more confidence when he tries it out?

I remember in highschool a teacher taught me how to stop being so nervous when standing in front of the classroom and giving a presentation. Especially the eye-contact was bothersome to me. So he taught me to look at the top of people's hair. It's a trick, an optical illusion. The person on the first row thinks you are making eye-contact with the person behind them and the person on the second row thinks your are making eye-contact with the person sitting in front of them. It's 'fake', but it works and helps to calm your nerves while giving the whole audience the impression that you're confidently making eye-contact with other people in the room. It helped me in the process of getting comfortable with making actual eye-contact with the people in an audience...