I examine myself quite often. Some might consider that a problem, or more accurately, self-absorption. I see it as self-critique, analysis of behavior and action, a need to know why I am doing things a certain way and feeling about things in my life. I don’t see it as ego-centric, just something that can comfort me, or in a worst case, really make me feel bad.
The matter at hand, of course, is the affair of the heart that has vexed me for over a year. I love a woman. One specific, wonderful, beautiful, funny, intelligent, sensitive woman. My strength is that I love her deeply, strongly, truly. My downfall and weakness is that I love her deeply, strongly, truly.
I know what I feel for her is true, I know because I have expended effort, treasure, time, devoted my actions to making her safe, seeing to her well-being. I have no doubt that I would step between her and whatever peril approaches her without hesitation. I defend her against detractors, who are probably correct in their assessment of her and her intentions. I know the strength of my love by the way I willingly ignore reality.
I know that I have been blind, foolish, stupid even. And still, the great joys in my life are the moments where she showed me affection spontaneously, tenderly. And I wonder continually, are these but images of dreams, am I nothing but the Lady of Shalott, cursed to weave tapestry of a world she is forbidden to view? Will the curse break when I see the truth and be my doom?
I do not regret loving her, that is wonderful, it gives me life. I do regret, but my regrets are not of loving her, regret cannot sully the purity of that. I regret the pain, I regret that I shall probably never receive her unfettered love. I regret never having reached the fulfillment of laying , completely hers, safe within her heart. That I regret.
As a soldier regrets the dawn he will never see, so I regret the love I will never have.
These months have taken a toll upon me. My sleep is troubled by anxiety dreams, I wake at 4 in the morning, without fail. I sleep fitfully. My appetite is small,, I eat when I can, but there is little joy in the taste. I have lost nearly 20 pounds, I hover around 105.
I go to work early, I stay late. I don't want to let my mind have time to wander. The night is worst of all.