Emotional commitment in a Bi relationship

[Well Behaved Lady]

Curiosity has got the better of me.

While watching a tv programme a conversation between two bi women relayed this little nugget I'd never thought of or heard discussed before. One of the women said she only likes women for sex but for emotional commitment she would rather be in a relationship with a man. However the other woman said she was the opposite, that she would rather the emotional relationship with a woman

If you are bi, do you only get emotionally attached to one sex?
Is there any specific reason why?

If it's been discussed before and a mod finds the discussion please delete or merge  

[MintJulie]

As you know, I did have a relationship with a female for almost a year....my only relationship with a woman.     I didn't date her just for sex, it was an attraction I had to her and over time I fell very much in love with her.

During the early part of our relationship together, there was just something missing.   After a few months, I voiced my concern.   She confessed to me that prior to dating me, she had a guy she would spend time with for the sole reason of sex.  He was just a booty call.   He would come for an hour, a day, or a weekend.  It all depended on their schedules.    There was no love there.  Just sex.

I don't recall I've ever said this on the open board, but she contacted him and brought him into our relationship.    It was a half dozen times over the next 8 months that we met.   Just sex.  No love.   She and I did visit him at work a few times where he worked as a bartender, but that was it.   We didn't interact with him any other times other than when he'd spend the night with us.

I'm now in a relationship with a great guy.  I'm very much in love with him and have felt no urge to seek out a female for sex.

To the best of my knowledge, my ex is still hooking up with her 'boy toy', as we called him.

So to answer your question from my ex's point of view.........she only could get emotionally attached to the same sex.  The opposite sex was only to quench her sexual appetite.   Why?   She echoed my response when I first brought up the subject the first time.  "I just miss the real thing," meaning sexual intercourse with a male.

As for me.  I discovered that I can fall in love and have an emotional attachment with either a male or female.    While dating my new boyfriend, I am not missing or craving sex with a female. But while with her, I missed having intercourse with a male.  That might have more to do with 99.7% of my previous sexual experiences were sex with a male.  

Very interesting topic.   I would like to view that program if you have any information on it.

[_priapism]

"The heart wants what it wants." — Emily Dickinson

[IdleBoast]

The BBC is runningredients "Gay Brittannia" season, to coincide with the 50th anniversary of the [partial] decriminalisation of homosexuality in the UK.

I caught the end of a Radio 4 programme segment in which it was mooted that bisexual people (it was women speaking, if that affects things) suffered discrimination from both straight and gay people - the short version is that one group referred to it as "just a phase", "insatiable" or "slut", whereas the other call them indecisive,  too scared to pick a "side".

One woman talked about getting into a relationship with a woman after being with a man, and the woman wanted "scrub the taint of man" off her before having sex.

Both sides apparently treat bisexuality as not being a "real" sexuality - just filling time until you find the right partner and "decide" whether you are straight or gay.

Given that there are both male and female bisexuals here (as far as I know), has anybody foundo this to be true?

We're these women's experiences unusual? Or typical?

[MissBarbara]

Curiosity has got the better of me.

While watching a tv programme a conversation between two bi women relayed this little nugget I'd never thought of or heard discussed before. One of the women said she only likes women for sex but for emotional commitment she would rather be in a relationship with a man. However the other woman said she was the opposite, that she would rather the emotional relationship with a woman

If you are bi, do you only get emotionally attached to one sex?
Is there any specific reason why?

If it's been discussed before and a mod finds the discussion please delete or merge  

I don't recall this ever being discussed here before, so props for starting a very interesting conversation.

Toe's right: All people are different, and all bisexuals are different.

At the risk of overgeneralizing, and to answer WBL's question, I think many (most?) bi women get emotionally attached to both men and women. Typically, a bi woman could be married or in a committed relationship with a man, and have a strong emotional bond with another woman, a bond that transcends close friendship, and that may or may not include sex.

Speaking from only anecdotal evidence (and, again, generalizing), it seems that bi men are often the opposite: They're in a committed, loving relationship with a woman, but enjoy an occasional romp with another man, with whom they have no emotional commitment.

And the twice-mentioned caveat: There's a lot of generalization here!

IB is correct: Many bi women find themselves discriminated against from both straight and gay women, since, in their view, bi women are neither/nor. Many lesbians don't trust bi women, believing that they'll switch sides at the drop of a hat. And the same for straight women.

I was for a time a member of a very interesting lesbian social networking site. It's focus was on discussions, questions, relationships, and the like, with only a minor focus on hooking up/personals. I loved it, and I truly felt at home there. But an anti-bisexual bias would pop up rather frequently, with heated discussions on whether bi women should even be allowed on the site. That -- and one other gross failing of the site -- led me to quit the site for good.

[Well Behaved Lady]

"The heart wants what it wants." — Emily Dickinson

Ordinarily I would never have raised the question, but hearing it being discussed it raised a curiosity.

[_priapism]

"The heart wants what it wants." — Emily Dickinson

Ordinarily I would never have raised the question, but hearing it being discussed it raised a curiosity.

I have long advocated discarding labels like straight, bi, and gay.  I think everyone is a mixture of orientations, and under the right circumstances, are capable of all three or a combination.  "Every man is a little gay" is a phrase I coined here a few years ago.  We all sit very smug in our chosen orientation, but still our pulse quickens on occasion... better (in my opinion) to just say we are human, and let people find their own sex partners and living arrangements based on what is right for them at the moment, rather than the demands of a community that they adhere to the label placed on them.

[MintJulie]

I have long advocated discarding labels like straight, bi, and gay.  I think everyone is a mixture of orientations, and under the right circumstances, are capable of all three or a combination.  "Every man is a little gay" is a phrase I coined here a few years ago.  We all sit very smug in our chosen orientation, but still our pulse quickens on occasion... better (in my opinion) to just say we are human, and let people find their own sex partners and living arrangements based on what is right for them at the moment, rather than the demands of a community that they adhere to the label placed on them.

Perfectly stated, Merv!   

Regarding labels.......The first time my niece said I was 'bi' caught me off guard a bit.     Nobody had ever said that about me and it took me some time to absorb it.   It was just weird is all, I don't like being labeled and nobody should have to be.

#loseTheLabels

[Well Behaved Lady]

"The heart wants what it wants." — Emily Dickinson

Ordinarily I would never have raised the question, but hearing it being discussed it raised a curiosity.

I have long advocated discarding labels like straight, bi, and gay.  I think everyone is a mixture of orientations, and under the right circumstances, are capable of all three or a combination.  "Every man is a little gay" is a phrase I coined here a few years ago.  We all sit very smug in our chosen orientation, but still our pulse quickens on occasion... better (in my opinion) to just say we are human, and let people find their own sex partners and living arrangements based on what is right for them at the moment, rather than the demands of a community that they adhere to the label placed on them.

I'm not sure what my post has to do with the above. I couldn't care less what orientation anyone is, I don't label people they label themselves as did the two people having the conversation I mentioned in my opening post.

[_priapism]

"The heart wants what it wants." — Emily Dickinson

Ordinarily I would never have raised the question, but hearing it being discussed it raised a curiosity.

I have long advocated discarding labels like straight, bi, and gay.  I think everyone is a mixture of orientations, and under the right circumstances, are capable of all three or a combination.  "Every man is a little gay" is a phrase I coined here a few years ago.  We all sit very smug in our chosen orientation, but still our pulse quickens on occasion... better (in my opinion) to just say we are human, and let people find their own sex partners and living arrangements based on what is right for them at the moment, rather than the demands of a community that they adhere to the label placed on them.

I'm not sure what my post has to do with the above. I couldn't care less what orientation anyone is, I don't label people they label themselves as did the two people having the conversation I mentioned in my opening post.

It's called having a conversation... Miss B and IB raised some points, and Julie added from her own experiences.  The thread is hardly hijacked, and it was never about your feelings, or so I assumed.  As Eric used to say, "It's all about me."

[Well Behaved Lady]

"The heart wants what it wants." — Emily Dickinson

Ordinarily I would never have raised the question, but hearing it being discussed it raised a curiosity.

I have long advocated discarding labels like straight, bi, and gay.  I think everyone is a mixture of orientations, and under the right circumstances, are capable of all three or a combination.  "Every man is a little gay" is a phrase I coined here a few years ago.  We all sit very smug in our chosen orientation, but still our pulse quickens on occasion... better (in my opinion) to just say we are human, and let people find their own sex partners and living arrangements based on what is right for them at the moment, rather than the demands of a community that they adhere to the label placed on them.

I'm not sure what my post has to do with the above. I couldn't care less what orientation anyone is, I don't label people they label themselves as did the two people having the conversation I mentioned in my opening post.

It's called having a conversation... Miss B and IB raised some points, and Julie added from her own experiences.  The thread is hardly hijacked, and it was never about your feelings, or so I assumed.  As Eric used to say, "It's all about me."

You quoted my post, I responded accordingly. I never said anything about the thread being hijacked. I'll ignore the all about me comment.

[IdleBoast]

As for me.  I discovered that I can fall in love and have an emotional attachment with either a male or female.    While dating my new boyfriend, I am not missing or craving sex with a female. But while with her, I missed having intercourse with a male.  That might have more to do with 99.7% of my previous sexual experiences were sex with a male.  

Very interesting topic.   I would like to view that program if you have any information on it.

Hypothetically-speaking, should you find yourself romantically-attached to a woman in future, do you think you would feel again the urge for a male dalliance?  Could the lack of a craving for female company actually be a lack of craving for your previous (only?) female partner?

[suemcgregor27]

Not on the open board here, but on PM's with few from KB, I had shared my opinion about exactly this issue in the recent past. They may comment here as well...
I had experienced the opposite in all my life. My experiences with my girl friends, have always started from a very close and true friendship, ending with real emotions. And in none of the cases, though we had ended up, we are still close and have true respect for each other. I keep all my Relations, I know that they will always be here for me, if I need them...
İn the other case, even on my marriage with my husband, we started with attraction, following with sex, which turned into vanilla style very soon, almost with nothing special left! It was always this way with men and in many cases, my ex never could manage to keep being friends with me. Is it my bad luck? Why is it always so with men and so soft and emotional with women??? I know partly the answer. Could any one comment? 

[IdleBoast]

Umm... this particular man likes friendship and sexy stuff (though I don't get enough of the latter IRL... )

I guess you've just had poor luck in men..?

[suemcgregor27]

Umm... this particular man likes friendship and sexy stuff (though I don't get enough of the latter IRL... )

I guess you've just had poor luck in men..?

Have I really had so???
Or could it be just because that naturally women can live by themselves forever without any need or expectation from men, where men always demand something from women and this really causes pain and give real harm to the relation in the long term???
Or two females who has no expectation other than true friendship, trust and emotions compared to men with unsatisfied needs???
Please do not take it as an offend.
I am also married and I have friends on KB here. But this is what I have witnessed and felt through all these years in my life... 
Could these be just the small part of the major differences between the kind of relations and expectations???
What do you think?

[MissBarbara]

Umm... this particular man likes friendship and sexy stuff (though I don't get enough of the latter IRL... )

I guess you've just had poor luck in men..?

Have I really had so???

Or could it be just because that naturally women can live by themselves forever without any need or expectation from men, where men always demand something from women and this really causes pain and give real harm to the relation in the long term???

Or two females who has no expectation other than true friendship, trust and emotions compared to men with unsatisfied needs???

Please do not take it as an offend.

I am also married and I have friends on KB here. But this is what I have witnessed and felt through all these years in my life... 

Could these be just the small part of the major differences between the kind of relations and expectations???

What do you think?

I, for one, take absolutely no offense at what you've written here. I salute your courage to share your thoughts and feelings with us.

This is a very tricky topic, since there's many confusing terms being used throughout this thread. Starting with "relationship." There's partner relationships, romantic relationships, sexual relationships, and intimate friend relationships. And they're all different things, and yet, several can exist at the same time.

You write, "Men always demand something from women and this really causes pain and give real harm to the relation in the long term." I'm not sure what you mean. I can't speak from personal experience, but I'm sure that women put equal demands on men in a relationship, and perhaps even more so. Not, in the overwhelming majority of cases, sexual demands -- is THAT what you're speaking about? -- as IdleBoast's post almost accidentally makes clear. 

It makes perfect sense to me that very often two women can form a closer, more personal, and more intimate friendship -- in the traditional meaning of the word "friendship" -- than a woman and a man can. But that's simply because men and women are so different. In other words, are you regretting the fact that you haven't been able to established the same sort of intense friendships with men that you have with other women?

[suemcgregor27]

Umm... this particular man likes friendship and sexy stuff (though I don't get enough of the latter IRL... )

I guess you've just had poor luck in men..?

Have I really had so???

Or could it be just because that naturally women can live by themselves forever without any need or expectation from men, where men always demand something from women and this really causes pain and give real harm to the relation in the long term???

Or two females who has no expectation other than true friendship, trust and emotions compared to men with unsatisfied needs???

Please do not take it as an offend.

I am also married and I have friends on KB here. But this is what I have witnessed and felt through all these years in my life...  

Could these be just the small part of the major differences between the kind of relations and expectations???

What do you think?

I, for one, take absolutely no offense at what you've written here. I salute your courage to share your thoughts and feelings with us.

This is a very tricky topic, since there's many confusing terms being used throughout this thread. Starting with "relationship." There's partner relationships, romantic relationships, sexual relationships, and intimate friend relationships. And they're all different things, and yet, several can exist at the same time.

You write, "Men always demand something from women and this really causes pain and give real harm to the relation in the long term." I'm not sure what you mean. I can't speak from personal experience, but I'm sure that women put equal demands on men in a relationship, and perhaps even more so. Not, in the overwhelming majority of cases, sexual demands -- is THAT what you're speaking about? -- as IdleBoast's post almost accidentally makes clear.  

It makes perfect sense to me that very often two women can form a closer, more personal, and more intimate friendship -- in the traditional meaning of the word "friendship" -- than a woman and a man can. But that's simply because men and women are so different. In other words, are you regretting the fact that you haven't been able to established the same sort of intense friendships with men that you have with other women?

Thank you Barbara.
I agree with you. Please let me clarify some of the terms...
My intention here was more than friendship, in both man and woman relations, which I had walked through. I fully agree with you about the difference, which is probably just because how mature nature has created us.
I was trying to say that, after all the straight and bi-relations I had, I see that, I had managed to keep my friendship with only women. Maybe it is more clear now.
I really wonder, if it is just a coincidence or the same for many others...
  

[MissBarbara]

Thank you Barbara.

I agree with you please let me clarify some of the terms...

My intention here was more than friendship, in both men and women relations, which I had walked through. I fully agree with about the difference probably just because of how mature nature has created us.

I was trying to say that, after all the straight and bi-relations I had, I see that, I had managed to keep close friend with only women. Maybe it is more clear now. I really wonder if it is just a coincidence or the same for many others...
   

If I'm reading you correctly, I think a good question would be how many women have succeeded in maintaining close personal friendships with their exes (ex-spouse, ex-boyfriend, ex-lover, etc.)? I'd suspect the percentage is pretty low, and I think the reasons for this are fairly obvious.

But scroll back to the question posed in the O.P., which I think is both very legitimate and very revealing. It limns a difference between physical and emotional attachments, and the different ways bisexual women -- and, by extension, all women and men, regardless of sexual orientation -- seek and/or are comfortable with physical vs. emotional attachments (and that's assuming there's a "vs.").

[Levorotatory]

The thread started with something from a TV show, so here is something I remember from one of those shows about "alternative sexuality" (that sounds better than that ever-lengthening acronym with no vowels doesn't it?)  One segment featured two bi women and a straight man who seemed to have a stable 3-way relationship with each other.  I would imagine it would be difficult to find suitable partners and even harder to maintain such a relationship, but I would also think that it would be an ideal situation for people who are really in the middle of the gay-straight continuum if they could actually pull it off.



 

[_priapism]

The thread started with something from a TV show, so here is something I remember from one of those shows about "alternative sexuality" (that sounds better than that ever-lengthening acronym with no vowels doesn't it?)...

Another example of why straights should not post in the LGBTQ Talk threads.