When I was first married, we watched a sex movie called ‘Insatiable’.
The title was misleading, because the heroine was not really insatiable so much as unstoppable: she did not so much require or demand sex as, when sexually stimulated, respond so immediately and with such intensity that she could allow noithing to prevent her orgasm.
Although I was young, and sexually inexperienced, I saw something of myself in her: I have some of that unstoppability, that intensity, that inability to hold back once started. My husband wass my first boyfriend and we married when I was 20. We held back from full sex until just before we married, though I was not quite a virgin when we met: but he learnt that once stimulated sexually I could not hold back - and he exploited that, though for my pleasure as much as his, and he respected my need to not engage in a full sexual relationship until married. Once married, my unstoppability was fully unleassed and our sex life was full, satisfying, vigorous, frequent and reasonably adventurous.
I never really thought about sex: I didn’t need to, it was just there as an integral part of our loving relationship. Yes, when separated I resorted to masturbation but as a physical more than emotional release. And yes, I entered upon a brief and disastrous affair, but that was more to do with my vain need for self-validation than for sex.
At times our working lives have separated us, sometimes for long periods: his work for the oil industry taking him on long postings abroad, mine as a mathematician leading me on shorter but more frequent trips all over the world - and most recently his posting to Dubai leaving me alone at home in lockdown. There is more to love, and to marriage, than sex: but I do desire sexual gratification, and do resort to masturbation, frequently - and to fantasy, which is why I am here on this forum.
Here, in this very open and very sexual forum, I think I explore myself - the sexual side of me - and I find myself insatiable: no longer just unstoppable but actually unsated, seeking so often for more, to go further, to be more extreme. My married sex life was with one man, inextricably part of a full and meaningful loving relationship: my sex life here is more extreme, wilder, more needy and urgent. But thinking back to that movie - ‘Insatiable’ - I think I see that what I do here is not so far from what I lived. What I say, do and share here is not so far, not so much more extreme, than the real sex life that fulfilled me so much.
When I refer to what I do here, I mean what those who follow me will recognise as my frequent desire for forceful, demanding sex with multiple partners - what might be called being gangbanged but I think is more like ‘pulling a train’ - multiple men taking me in turns. To me, that is extreme - and surprising, though no longer shocking since I am used to it: but I do ask myself why I should think like that - how could one man have sated my sexual needs for so many years, and now I desire to be taken by so many more? What changed me, what perversion or obsession has taken hold of me to lead me that way so frequently?
I see it now, perhaps mistakenly, as insatiability: that the real sex I had was such an integral part of life that it did indeed sate me - through its frequency but also its demanding nature, but enhanced by being so much a part of everything that made my life what it was - what it still is. To get that now from one man, within the shallow narrow confines of simple physical sexual gratification, would not be possible: it needed the emotional, loving, caring, supporting context of a full and shared married life. So however intense the mental images and feelings I conjure to fuel my masturbation, when I cum I cum and there is nothing to continue it, to sustain the orgasm, to bring me to another and another, as I was used to: and so I imagine more men, so that the stimulation repeats, so that I can imagine going on and on but without risking thinking of that long term emotional connection that would sate me with one man alone.
Which is a long-winded way of justifying my constant desire to be forcefully gangbanged... :-)