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Offline msslave

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Reply #3540 on: March 24, 2020, 02:11:00 AM
A man walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "Get the fuck outta here!"

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville

Offline msslave

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Reply #3541 on: March 24, 2020, 10:15:26 PM

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville

Offline Jed_

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Reply #3542 on: March 25, 2020, 06:38:18 PM
Quote from: msslave on March 24, 2020, 10:15:26 PM




For the last time, It’s Jed. . . . not Jeb!!!!


Offline msslave

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Reply #3543 on: March 25, 2020, 06:45:30 PM
 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville

Offline MintJulie

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Reply #3544 on: March 25, 2020, 07:42:40 PM
Quote from: Jed_ on March 25, 2020, 06:38:18 PM
Quote from: msslave on March 24, 2020, 10:15:26 PM




For the last time, It’s Jed. . . . not Jeb!!!!


I thought the same thing.


The bad part is, when you were done assaulting it, you served it up on a plate.


Quote from: Jed_ on March 25, 2020, 03:00:25 PM
 That said, I made pasta salad for dinner last night to go with fried chicken.

.
          You might not know this, but I have a thing for Tom Brady (and Bill Clinton)
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Offline Jed_

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Reply #3545 on: March 25, 2020, 08:58:20 PM
It was fried chicken wings.  Those girls couldn’t have flown anyway, especially after I was done with them.
« Last Edit: March 26, 2020, 01:34:18 AM by Jed_ »


Offline Littlebit

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Reply #3546 on: March 25, 2020, 10:51:19 PM

Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to  find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!!  ????????????????????????


Offline msslave

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Reply #3547 on: March 25, 2020, 11:02:52 PM
 :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing: :emot_laughing:

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville

Offline vinney

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Reply #3548 on: March 26, 2020, 01:14:49 AM
Quote from: Littlebit on March 25, 2020, 10:51:19 PM

Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to  find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!!  ????????????????????????

Brilliant!!! And a great big WOO...

If you've got a cock then use it, if you're a lady abuse it.

Offline Shiela_M

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Reply #3549 on: March 26, 2020, 02:03:54 AM
Quote from: Littlebit on March 25, 2020, 10:51:19 PM

Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to  find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!!  ????????????????????????

I hate you,  laughed so hard my sides hurt along with everything else now  :emot_laughing:


_priapism

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Reply #3550 on: March 30, 2020, 07:46:26 PM
So.....

I just got back from Walmart. I've never been so rudely treated in my life!! All I did was ask for toilet paper at the service desk. The woman behind the counter yelled at the top of her lungs "OH MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS!!??"

I politely said, "There's no need to make a scene, lady" and shuffled back to the bathroom with my pants around my ankles.


Offline gater67

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Reply #3551 on: April 03, 2020, 10:55:19 PM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo. It means someone stole the tent'


_priapism

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Reply #3552 on: April 04, 2020, 08:16:00 AM
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?!? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land!!! No questions asked or answers given!!! Have I made myself clear... do you understand?!?!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull... With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs...

"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!!" 


Offline msslave

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Reply #3553 on: April 08, 2020, 01:42:46 PM

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville

Offline msslave

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Reply #3554 on: April 08, 2020, 01:44:23 PM

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville

Offline purpleshoes

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Reply #3555 on: April 08, 2020, 02:21:34 PM
Damn, already used my woo, and this is even better than that one.  :emot_laughing:


Offline Indian Babe

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Reply #3556 on: April 08, 2020, 06:22:18 PM
Revenge of the blondes

After Donald Trump, the world is wondering if it is the blonde men, not women, who are actually a bit dumber. They collected these true stories of Blonde men.

*A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've already wet mine."
------------
* A blonde man sees a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------
*A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her First Child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------
*A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I Couldn't breathe."
------------
*An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "Duh, If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
------------
*A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------
*Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------
*A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are intimate. The whole street was watching and laughing at YOU yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on "ALL OF YOU" because I wasn't even at home yesterday !
--------------


Offline Shiela_M

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Reply #3557 on: April 08, 2020, 06:50:25 PM
Quote from: Indian Babe on April 08, 2020, 06:22:18 PM
Revenge of the blondes

After Donald Trump, the world is wondering if it is the blonde men, not women, who are actually a bit dumber. They collected these true stories of Blonde men.

*A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've already wet mine."
------------
* A blonde man sees a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------
*A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her First Child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------
*A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I Couldn't breathe."
------------
*An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "Duh, If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
------------
*A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------
*Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------
*A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are intimate. The whole street was watching and laughing at YOU yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on "ALL OF YOU" because I wasn't even at home yesterday !
--------------


Wait.... I don't get these...
« Last Edit: April 08, 2020, 07:45:22 PM by Shiela_M »


Offline msslave

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Reply #3558 on: April 08, 2020, 11:06:32 PM
Reflections on the Covid 19 days.

 Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom

PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Home-schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

So, after this quarantine... will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

I'm so excited.  It's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?


Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville

Offline msslave

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Reply #3559 on: April 09, 2020, 05:26:07 PM

Well trained and been made compliant....by my cat Neville

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