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Married man looking for some advice

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Reverseorange

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on: April 28, 2013, 11:58:40 AM
Where to begin,

I've been married for 5 years and together with my wife for 7, we've moved countries twice to stay with one another but now i am feeling very down and worried about the future of our relationship.

about a 6 weeks ago my wife started acting strangely, and after talking about it i discovered she was attracted to someone at work. So trying to be understanding and accepting and open minded i say that's fine as long as you know what your limits are so that everything is fair between us. I.E. decide your limits before hand so I knew what to expect and also what I was allowed to do.

So at first it was just talking and sexting, then she changed her mind and wanted to have oral sex with him and then full on sex with him.

What annoyed me here was the constantly moving goalposts, each time she decided on a limit she would change her mind when she experienced it. Anyhow I can handle this I can understand the need to have sex with someone else but since this episode has begun she hasn't initiate any sexual contact between us, when before she was very forward and would usually be the one to initiate sex our relationship.

To add to the problems two weeks ago i became ill and it now is not possible for us to have sex, but since these problems have been going on for weeks before my health problems I worry is she just using my illness as an excuse.

I wonder if anyone could offer some insight or advice ?

p.s. just before all this began I we decided to try and have kids (at her suggestion) and think about buying a house together and move out of our shitty apartment



Offline stepdad

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Reply #1 on: April 28, 2013, 12:07:38 PM
I have no experience with this but I would strongly suggest sitting down and discussing your issues with her. You are obviously open and honest if you are In this type of relationship. Good luck and I hope you get back to full fitness



Reverseorange

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Reply #2 on: April 28, 2013, 12:11:58 PM
I have no experience with this but I would strongly suggest sitting down and discussing your issues with her. You are obviously open and honest if you are In this type of relationship. Good luck and I hope you get back to full fitness

We have talked about this, a lot and the discusses end with me getting more and more depressed and she saying that things will get better when I get well.



Offline Grm

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Reply #3 on: April 28, 2013, 12:18:25 PM
Well it sounds like a recipe for disaster my friend, if you love her you cannot be anything but terribly hurt by this situation your wife has put you in. Even if you go along with this its not what you want, its what she wants. Her selfish attitude to her sexual attractions to other men is not likely to change. If she still loves you she wouldn't put you through this. You need to tell her strait that you are hurt and confused by her attitude and unless she pledges her fidelity and love for you its over.
I know this sounds harsh and it may be you cannot go this far because of your love for your wife, but it can only get worse unless she changes and this will be a life of torture for you and no happiness to look forward to.
« Last Edit: April 28, 2013, 12:22:47 PM by Grm »



Reverseorange

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Reply #4 on: April 28, 2013, 12:46:19 PM
Well it sounds like a recipe for disaster my friend, if you love her you cannot be anything but terribly hurt by this situation your wife has put you in. Even if you go along with this its not what you want, its what she wants. Her selfish attitude to her sexual attractions to other men is not likely to change. If she still loves you she wouldn't put you through this. You need to tell her strait that you are hurt and confused by her attitude and unless she pledges her fidelity and love for you its over.
I know this sounds harsh and it may be you cannot go this far because of your love for your wife, but it can only get worse unless she changes and this will be a life of torture for you and no happiness to look forward to.



It not her having sex with other people i mind its the decline in our relationship that results from it.



Offline Grm

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Reply #5 on: April 28, 2013, 12:52:37 PM
If you really love someone you don't want to hurt them, it sound to me that she no longer loves you, even if she says she does.



Janus

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Reply #6 on: April 28, 2013, 03:04:46 PM
I have to ask....What if the shoe were on the other foot and YOU wanted to take on another lover? What if you started neglecting her and seeing somebody else?

Also, you decided that you'd like to start a family? I wouldn't touch that. No way.

She knows how strongly you love her and she is capitalizing off of that. I would tell her that extracurriculars have to stop immediately. When problems ensue with a relationship then swinging in whatever form needs to stop. BOTH spouses have to agree to it. It is very obvious that you no longer wish for her to play with her coworker. You need to tell her to stop.

Don't subject yourself to the torture. It will tear you up.

In my marriage I was the one who manipulated my spouse into swinging. It caused soooo much hurt. I hate that others are going through this. I am now divorced.

Good Luck......

Janus




Offline watasch

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Reply #7 on: April 28, 2013, 03:11:37 PM
I believe you knew the answer to your question before you posted it here.  Listen to your gut.  If it hurts, get out. 

Speaking from experience there will always be doubt and concern.  Without trust it is impossible to build a firm marriage and life.



Reverseorange

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Reply #8 on: April 28, 2013, 04:00:45 PM
I have to ask....What if the shoe were on the other foot and YOU wanted to take on another lover? What if you started neglecting her and seeing somebody else?

Also, you decided that you'd like to start a family? I wouldn't touch that. No way.

She knows how strongly you love her and she is capitalizing off of that. I would tell her that extracurriculars have to stop immediately. When problems ensue with a relationship then swinging in whatever form needs to stop. BOTH spouses have to agree to it. It is very obvious that you no longer wish for her to play with her coworker. You need to tell her to stop.

Don't subject yourself to the torture. It will tear you up.

In my marriage I was the one who manipulated my spouse into swinging. It caused soooo much hurt. I hate that others are going through this. I am now divorced.

Good Luck......

Janus



I would stop its true

According to most of the advice in this thread I should supply her with ultimatum, however even if she chose to stay with me, I suspect she would resent me for making her choose and limiting what she can do.

thanks for all your advice people and if anyone else wants to chime in please do



Reverseorange

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Reply #9 on: April 28, 2013, 05:26:19 PM
The phrase that jumped out at me from your original post was "the need to have sex with someone else." There is no need to have sex with someone else. Despite what many people claim sex is a want, not a need. Once you are making every effort within your own comfort zone to fulfill your partner's desires then there should be no pressure or manipulation from them to try and get permission to do something with someone else. Anything agreed upon should be agreed upon mutually. I fear that in this case, while your wife is certainly selfishly taking advantage of your generosity, a large part of the blame falls to you due to your failure to set limits. You have placed yourself in the awkward position where now an ultimatum or at least a lengthy argument are necessary in order to get your relationship back in a working condition. I would not be so quick to presume that your wife no longer loves you either. Many people are very capable of loving but not very capable of restraining their own selfish wants. I would suggest forgetting about having kids until this mess is sorted out. And if your wife would truly resent you for expecting her to fulfill your needs the way you fulfill hers then it may be time to end the relationship. That is not a healthy relationship, nor a sustainable situation.

Thankyou, I will think on this



Offline DrWoody

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Reply #10 on: April 28, 2013, 06:07:22 PM
Perhaps it's time that you acknowledged your own emotional limitations and set the boundaries of what you can live with in your relationship. Although you ask the advice of others with an open mind, ultimately, the answers that you seek resides entirely within you. No one can step into your shoes, relive your life experiences and your time with your partner, and fairly or even plausibly make a rational decision as what you should do in this matter.

Decide whether you can live with an open sexual relationship or whether you can only live with a one-on-one partner. Discuss this with her and make sure that both you and she understands your limitations and what you are willing to live with. Should you decide to have children with this person, whose children would she bear you? Would it matter? What is the deal breaker that would make you walk away from the relationship? Has she crossed that line already?

Another thing to think about in making your decision is which one of you holds the most influence or control in your relationship. The person who has the most controls is the one with the least amount of interest in the marriage. Obviously, that is not you. You have been doing whatever you must to keep it together, even letting her have an extramarital affair. You want to keep it together, and your wife just doesn't care. She is pulling all the strings and you are just following along. It is your decision to let her have the affair that brought you to this point.  

You said, "It not her having sex with other people i mind its the decline in our relationship that results from it." Regardless of how you phrase it, it is the extramarital affair that is causing the problem. All of that being said, it honestly sounds as though you are looking for someone to tell you that you should walk away. Perhaps, you have already made your decision and are just afraid of moving on. As watasch advised, "I believe you knew the answer to your question before you posted it here. Listen to your gut. If it hurts, get out." Even grm hit the nail on the head, "If you really love someone you don't want to hurt them, it sound to me that she no longer loves you, even if she says she does."

Whether to stay or to walk away from a relationship with someone you love is probably the most difficult decision you may ever have to make in life. It is not an easy one and if you do decide to walk away, you may spend a very long time in mourning. With indecision, perhaps you should consider some very serious marriage counseling before taking that final step.

Good luck, my friend.
« Last Edit: April 28, 2013, 07:11:36 PM by DrWoody »

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Janus

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Reply #11 on: April 28, 2013, 06:47:11 PM
I have to ask....What if the shoe were on the other foot and YOU wanted to take on another lover? What if you started neglecting her and seeing somebody else?

Also, you decided that you'd like to start a family? I wouldn't touch that. No way.

She knows how strongly you love her and she is capitalizing off of that. I would tell her that extracurriculars have to stop immediately. When problems ensue with a relationship then swinging in whatever form needs to stop. BOTH spouses have to agree to it. It is very obvious that you no longer wish for her to play with her coworker. You need to tell her to stop.

Don't subject yourself to the torture. It will tear you up.

In my marriage I was the one who manipulated my spouse into swinging. It caused soooo much hurt. I hate that others are going through this. I am now divorced.

Good Luck......

Janus



I would stop its true

According to most of the advice in this thread I should supply her with ultimatum, however even if she chose to stay with me, I suspect she would resent me for making her choose and limiting what she can do.

thanks for all your advice people and if anyone else wants to chime in please do

The reason for getting married is to limit what the other can do....

So, she resents you...
What does that tell you? She didn't care in the first place.
5 years? No Kids? Perhaps you should consider thinking about getting out while the getting is still favorable. I hate to see a marriage break up but if she is so unhappy that she is taking on other lovers and just "HAS TO HAVE THEM" I question whether she will ever be faithful from this point forward.

There is a lot to think about here. Perhaps you should show her the responses to this thread.

Your marriage is now scarred for a long long time. Is it worth it?



TinyDancer

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Reply #12 on: April 28, 2013, 06:49:58 PM
Hmmm, you are looking for advice, well here's mine.......whatever else you decide, don't buy a house and don't even think about having kids till you get y'alls shit straightened out.




Janus

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Reply #13 on: April 28, 2013, 06:55:15 PM
Hmmm, you are looking for advice, well here's mine.......whatever else you decide, don't buy a house and don't even think about having kids till you get y'alls shit straightened out.


Good advice for sure.
« Last Edit: April 28, 2013, 06:59:28 PM by Janus »



snowm

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Reply #14 on: April 28, 2013, 08:32:13 PM
Don't have kids and don't move into a house. Both will break this relationship that seems to be hanging on by a thread. She either doesn't care about how her actions make her feel or she has no idea how her actions make her feel. You can remedy the later.