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wife has no sexual desire

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Offline edkelly

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Reply #30 on: February 08, 2021, 08:48:31 AM
So why am I supposed to go without?  I mean, all I want to do is be left alone with my porn once in a while.  Is that the worst thing in the world?

I have the same problem, and it's probably common to older guys, like I'm over 70. My wife objects to "computer sex," so here I am in the middle of the night looking for pen pals.
I like pictures of slim 19 year old females, underwear or swim suits are fine. I like to jack off, but have limits. I use different jackoff creams, too.



Offline edkelly

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Reply #31 on: February 08, 2021, 08:50:00 AM
I'd talk to your wife about it, but yeah.  Porn is a reasonable substitute for sex in a monogamous relationship.  You can still do the affection thing, right?
[/quote
I come to the same conclusion, but my wife objects. Consensual sex is fine, and compulsory sex is not fine.



Offline edkelly

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Reply #32 on: February 08, 2021, 08:52:18 AM
a hardon  has no conscience

No, but it's attached to a man, who's attached to a woman...  A hardon doesn't have a heart, nor brain, either.
Very well put! That's exactly it, and it's more than frustrating walking around everyday with that tension in the cock.



Offline edkelly

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Reply #33 on: February 08, 2021, 08:55:22 AM
Same boat, wife with no sexual desire. Things don't get better. Just some people are wired different and or can't get past the grossness of sex.

If you don't have kids, maybe it's time to find someone who will love you back.  At at least she's OK with you taking matters into your own hands... Some women consider it cheating.

I really wish society was such that these kinds of things can be talked about before the hookup.
Yes, it's an educational matter at heart. You have hit the real issue. :emot_laughing:



Offline edkelly

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Reply #34 on: February 08, 2021, 09:00:59 AM
Unfortunately, this seems to be an all too common story.

I am currently stuck in a sexless, affection-less marriage. As psiberzerker said there are more reasons to stay in a marriage. I have chosen to stay because of our kids, and the fact that I still care about my wife, and she couldn't make it on her own financially.

She has even gone so far as to tell me she is fine with me finding a sex partner that isn't her.
As great as this sounds, it is easier said than done. After 20+ years I don't even know where I would start find a new partner that is ok with this situation.

I am in my late 40s and seem to have as much or more desire nave ever now than I have ever had. Maybe it is just the lack of sexual contact for so long. I think I am going on three years.
Super post, for sure. I still had sex in my 40s, but in my 50s it became scarce in our home. When I'm "lucky," I can masturbate along with her. This get harder to do, too. I want to share our thoughts to help raise my sex drive, but she refuses. There's much more about losing the sex drive as one's wife loses its for good. Now I search the Internet in private, hiding from the wife while searching out erotic material to help my failing coc :emot_laughing:k. Cheers!



Offline edkelly

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Reply #35 on: February 08, 2021, 09:03:26 AM
I realise this thread is over a year old, but the topic is an important one.

I once overheard a guy talking to his mate about a girl he was dating, and now were moving in together. The guy said, “once the lust is gone then what’s left must be love.’

Lust - Love - Sex - Marriage - Two people together.

Lust is the physical and sexual attraction. It is the beginning in any relationship. Love is on an emotional level when we  develop a deeper connection with a person after time spent together.

There are many reasons why women show less interest in having sex with their partners.

Sex becomes more of a boring ritual. The same old same old. What works for you may not work for her. Attend to her needs more, shake things up. Be more attentive. Be more imaginative. Be more supportive. Here and below may be remedied by counselling.

Emotional causes: Stress, relationship problems, (sometimes a presenting problem just covers a primal problem that may not be obvious) depression, anxiety, children.

Just plain tired and worn out: Pressures on a woman living a modern life, having to work, raise the children and clean the house by herself. It happens.

My husband is a generation older than me. We lived on a farm, and I’m from the city, and after a year we moved there I fell pregnant with twins. At times, I had to help him, so on a trailer, hitched to the tractor, I buckled the kids in their stroller, tied well to the trailer, and brought their bottles, nappies (cloth so extra washing there) and a portable playpen. I could be out with him all day either fencing, picking up and stacking hay bales etc, and when the days over we head home, he’d shower, sit in front of the tv, watch the news, and that’s it for him. I settle the kids, he’d watch them, cook dinner, and wash up after wards. Then I feed the kids. Best way for me was to have them in their car capsules, I sit between them on the floor, and feed them their bottles. All our families were six hours away, so no help to fall back on. I did it without complaining, or pointing out certain things, because he grew up when things were done differently, where women were at home, raising the children and men worked. But yeah, I was fucking tired at night, so we had our special time in the morning. Communication and resolution.

Body image: Widening girth with age, saggy boobs, self hate due to sexual abuse, physical abuse or rape, and how you treat her.

Low self esteem.

Poor communication.

Physical causes: Diabettes or arthritis causes certain conditions and pain. Other medical reasons (For about 20 years, I couldn’t have my husbands arm around me in bed, it really hurt my side, and he loves to cuddle in bed beside me while we slept. After 20 years, found out it was my gall bladder, now problem fixed)

Menopause: See below

Hormonal Problems: This can be easily remedied by asking your G.P. For a test, he can prescribe hormonal replacement if that’s the cause.

Medication: Yes some medication can be responsible for low libido.

Also, a man sexual life lasts longer than a woman’s. Sorry guys, but its true.
Obviously, too, you're an educated woman, which helps to explain your frustration. Thanks for sharing.  :D



Offline Cucker Tarlson

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Reply #36 on: February 14, 2021, 03:16:34 PM
My advice, stick a half eaten serrano pepper 🌶 up her ass. That oughta spice things up a bit 🔥

If that doesn't do it, just nut on her face early one morning.

Should both proven methods fail, just say. "Aw fuck it, I'm gonna go watch some porn"



Offline Bone Daddy

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Reply #37 on: May 26, 2021, 10:53:40 PM
As someone in a minimal sex relationship I really appreciate this thread. Anyone who says if there's no sex leave has most likely not been in a serious relationship.

However, my issue is with the stigma and the "rolling the eyes" that we get if turning to porn. Sex is biological, we can control our actions and desires of course, but those things manifest in some other way if locked up and thats not always healthy either.

I just wish there was more of an understanding as to why the porn industry is as big as it is. Men arem't just pigs and women aren't just prudes, so let's talk about the middle ground.



Offline MissBarbara

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Reply #38 on: May 27, 2021, 03:01:19 PM

As someone in a minimal sex relationship I really appreciate this thread. Anyone who says if there's no sex leave has most likely not been in a serious relationship.

However, my issue is with the stigma and the "rolling the eyes" that we get if turning to porn. Sex is biological, we can control our actions and desires of course, but those things manifest in some other way if locked up and thats not always healthy either.

I just wish there was more of an understanding as to why the porn industry is as big as it is. Men arem't just pigs and women aren't just prudes, so let's talk about the middle ground.


I think that's a very thoughtful post, and props for it.

It's an obvious biological fact -- as any man past a certain age who's been in a long-term marriage or relationship can attest -- that most women's desire for sex decreases as they age. It's an evolutionary imperative, since a post-menopausal woman is past her child-bearing age.

But men are also prey to an evolutionary imperative, and their desire for sex -- or, perhaps better put, their desire for more frequent sex -- does not decrease in a parallel way to women.

You make an excellent point in separating sex and relationships. But you're also right that the fact of men's desire for relatively frequent sex remains. It's a conundrum that admits to no easy answers. And you're spot on: "If there's no sex, just leave" is not always the solution.

Part of this plays into the whole point of Kristen's Board. This board is a number of different things, but it's main theme is exploring sexual desires, sexual needs, and sexual urges. It is, at its basis, a place to explore sexual fantasies. The degree to which one can achieve satisfaction via sexual fantasies and sexual explorations plays a healthy role.

Then again, sometimes an absolutely mind-blowing fuck with a fellow human being (or several) solves a lot of problems...








"Sometimes the best things in life are a hot girl and a cold beer."



Offline watcher1

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Reply #39 on: May 27, 2021, 07:45:14 PM

As someone in a minimal sex relationship I really appreciate this thread. Anyone who says if there's no sex leave has most likely not been in a serious relationship.

However, my issue is with the stigma and the "rolling the eyes" that we get if turning to porn. Sex is biological, we can control our actions and desires of course, but those things manifest in some other way if locked up and thats not always healthy either.

I just wish there was more of an understanding as to why the porn industry is as big as it is. Men arem't just pigs and women aren't just prudes, so let's talk about the middle ground.


I think that's a very thoughtful post, and props for it.

It's an obvious biological fact -- as any man past a certain age who's been in a long-term marriage or relationship can attest -- that most women's desire for sex decreases as they age. It's an evolutionary imperative, since a post-menopausal woman is past her child-bearing age.

But men are also prey to an evolutionary imperative, and their desire for sex -- or, perhaps better put, their desire for more frequent sex -- does not decrease in a parallel way to women.

You make an excellent point in separating sex and relationships. But you're also right that the fact of men's desire for relatively frequent sex remains. It's a conundrum that admits to no easy answers. And you're spot on: "If there's no sex, just leave" is not always the solution.

Part of this plays into the whole point of Kristen's Board. This board is a number of different things, but it's main theme is exploring sexual desires, sexual needs, and sexual urges. It is, at its basis, a place to explore sexual fantasies. The degree to which one can achieve satisfaction via sexual fantasies and sexual explorations plays a healthy role.

Then again, sometimes an absolutely mind-blowing fuck with a fellow human being (or several) solves a lot of problems...



WOO, MissB.  I thought your answer to Bone Daddy was spot on.  As a woman ages, like men, physical issues come into play that will determine if the couple continues with sex. Breasts begin to hurt, vaginal dryness and similar problems play a big part in whether the spouse will want to have sex.  Many men experience a decreased sex drive.  It's imperative that both partners maintain an open dialogue regarding sex.

Then there are a few of us that are looking for, or dream of, an absolutely mind-blowing fuck with a fellow human being (or several) as MissB states.   8) 8)

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.


Offline Bone Daddy

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Reply #40 on: May 28, 2021, 02:03:51 PM
Glad I'm not alone in thinking about it this way. Thank you both!



Offline seeker83

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Reply #41 on: July 30, 2021, 07:40:11 PM
Here is my experience with no sexual desire in marriage.  Keep in mind, I am recently divorced (March 2021).

1. Any sexual trauma, guilt, or shame immediately plays a huge part in sexual openness or a lack thereof.  My ex did have sexual trauma in young her life, as did I.  We both also felt guilt and shame around sexual desire, urges, etc.
2. My religion (Catholicism) was my only source of individual identity.  Meanwhile I was a hypocrite outside of church.  I wanted to LOOK and FEEL like the "perfect" Catholic, despite being obsessed with porn when I was younger and struggling with it all of my life.  The Church re-enforced my feelings of unworthiness and shame around sex but also gave me guidelines and rules to obsess over and enforce within my home.  My ex would have been a lot more sexually free had I not felt that her actions were a threat to my faith and my personal salvation.  Truthfully, I would have felt a lot better too.
3. Despite all the hang-ups about sex, I wanted it and saw it as a form of self-validation, which it isn't.  I also wanted to "be good" at sex so I tried to find the most "ideal" way for my ex to reach orgasm so that I could profess that I "pleased" her.  Whenever she wanted to try something new and I messed up at it or hurt her, I would get defensive and frustrated instead of being open to learning.  Does not sound like a good sexual experience, does it?  If anything it made sex robotic, same thing, every time.

I would also bring up my desire for more sex constantly, to the point of it being nagging and then some.  My ex later told me that she would take long walks in part because she was afraid I would bring it up again.
------

So what is my point here? 

My first point is that yes, there can be a difference in libido between partners and there does need to be conversation around it.

The more important point is to also honestly look at yourself as well.  I couldn't see what an overbearing jerk I was until it was too late to salvage things.  I couldn't see how my own defenses and traumas made for an environment in which sex, for her, (and if I'm honest, for me too) was more of a chore than a joy.

I've been in therapy for almost a year now and have done many things to work through my insecurities and traumas.  This included dropping my religion, starting to view masturbation and porn as being OK, and moving past guilt and shame.  I still deal with them even today, and it isn't easy.

I'm not saying that anyone else's story is the same as mine here.  What I am saying is, make sure that before playing the sexual dryness or disinterest card against your significant other, be sure to honestly look at yourself and your own actions as well.  They can be a contributing factor.
 



Offline staci

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Reply #42 on: July 30, 2021, 11:21:49 PM
Put into terms that make sense.

There are two sides to every coin.