Need Help

[wajohnson12]

I need help with my wife.

I've been married almost 17 years and my sex life is terrible. I know I must sound like every other man out there (it seems to be a common affliction), but I can't help but think it's worse for me in several respects. I'm a very sexual person and my wife is the total opposite. We both grew up in very traditional homes, but where I took full advantage of leaning about sex the moment I could, she seemed to find it very taboo. Per her, even naked barbie dolls bothered her when she was a girl.  I've tried to talk to her about it over the years, but it always ends in a fight.  It's to the point now that I just live with my terrible sex life and skip the fighting. Yes I have cheated. It's been the only good sex I've had in years. But it's been years since I've done that.  Mostly I cheated with co-workers but after starting to work at home several years ago that isn't a thing anymore.  I'm sure I'll get hate mail for the cheating part, but it's what I've had to do so I don't live my life as a monk.  I guess I was just hoping for suggestions as to a way I could put some excitement in my life. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Shiela_M]

Purely my opinion, but I believe it's time to end the marriage.  I've cheated in the past, my reasoning for it was completely different, but I still did it so I'm not going to judge you on that.  If you're unhappy in your marriage then for you're own mental health I'd say end it.  It'll feel like it's the worst thing you've ever done, but it wont be as bad as if she would catch you cheating.  She may already assume you are considering you've already discussed your desires.  She will be mad, hurt, and probably hate you, but if you do it sooner rather than later you might both be able to move on easier.

A lot of experts say that cheating could actually make a relationship stronger because it'll make you appreciate what you have.  If it still isnt working for you then it's time to call it quits.

[wajohnson12]

I appreciate that feedback.  Unfortunately, we have two children and I would not sacrifice their happiness for mine. Sigh... It's just a tough situation.

[Shiela_M]

I am a child of divorce. Growing up my dad was a miserable asshole.  He always seemed distant but was strict as hell.  They separated when I was 12.  My mom got me in the divorce and it didnt take long at all to realize why he was the way he was.  My mother was and most likely still is a rotten bitch that dragged herself from the lowest pit of hell.  I have seen her or talked to her in almost 20 years.  Since he left her he has become the dad I wish I always had.  He messed up again with his second wife, but he caught on quicker and left her after two years.  I wish my dad had left my mom a lot sooner.

You need to really ask yourself, are you really thinking about their happiness, or are you being a little selfish and don't want to be seen as the bad guy?  Are you worried they'll separate themselves from you?  Dig deep and really think about if it's best for them.

I dont want to offend and my deepest apologies if I have, I'm just offering my experiences and opinion.

[wajohnson12]

No offense taken at all.  I appreciate your feedback. You seem like a very sweet persson.

[_priapism]

I appreciate that feedback.  Unfortunately, we have two children and I would not sacrifice their happiness for mine. Sigh... It's just a tough situation.

I spent 15 years in a toxic relationship, thinking I was doing my kids a favor.  The last time she left, the kids stayed with me, and absolutely insisted they did not want us to even *think* about reconciliation.  I have a great relationship with my children, who are now adults.  They rarely see their mom.  And I have a very happy relationship, with a perverted Russian, who absolutely rocks my world.

[MissBarbara]

I need help with my wife.

I've been married almost 17 years and my sex life is terrible. I know I must sound like every other man out there (it seems to be a common affliction), but I can't help but think it's worse for me in several respects. I'm a very sexual person and my wife is the total opposite. We both grew up in very traditional homes, but where I took full advantage of leaning about sex the moment I could, she seemed to find it very taboo. Per her, even naked barbie dolls bothered her when she was a girl.  I've tried to talk to her about it over the years, but it always ends in a fight.  It's to the point now that I just live with my terrible sex life and skip the fighting. Yes I have cheated. It's been the only good sex I've had in years. But it's been years since I've done that.  Mostly I cheated with co-workers but after starting to work at home several years ago that isn't a thing anymore.  I'm sure I'll get hate mail for the cheating part, but it's what I've had to do so I don't live my life as a monk.  I guess I was just hoping for suggestions as to a way I could put some excitement in my life. Any advice would be appreciated.

First off, I know you're new here, but once you get to know the place and the people, you'll discover that there's likely not a single person here who would take you to task for stepping out on your marriage.

Second, you begin your post with, "I need help with my wife." That's not really correct: From what you write here, you need help with you.

You're right, it seems, based on what I've read here and elsewhere, that yours is a relatively common complaint. It is "a common affliction" among married couples as they get on in years.

Don't blame your wife, blame evolution. The way humans evolved, men's primary evolutionary imperative is to propagate the species, and they are physically able to keep doing this (sometimes with a little medicinal help) despite advanced years. Woman, on the other hand, have the primary evolutionary imperative of bearing and nurturing children, and our bodies begin to "shut down" once we reach the age where bearing children is no longer effective. And for many women, the decline in the physical ability conceive includes a loss of libido. And that's where this common conflict arises: Men want to continue to have sex at the same rate as always, while women do not. So, blame Darwin.

Of course, all of this is a generalization. Some women continue to have a healthy sex drive into their 60s, while others -- and you're hardly alone here -- lose their libido almost completely. But the growing gap in the frequency with which men and women desire to have sex affects many couples, especially as they age in both their relationship and their years.

Now that you're at this crossroads, it's entirely your decision which route to follow: Stay with your wife, for a long list of reasons; or divorce your wife and move on to achieve a more fulfilling (and frequent) sex life.

And here's the thing: While I would not judge you by the course your choose, neither will I recommend which choice to choose. It's your decision, and it's based on many factors. You have to weight these factors, you have to judge based on your own circumstances, and, in the end, it is your choice.

[MintJulie]

My knee jerk response after sharing 2 bottles of wine with my husband and his daughter over a cutthroat game of Monopoly.

#1.  Don't ever cheat again.  It's not fair to her or the damage you will do to your relationship.  Which then affects the kids.

#2.  Find an outlet.  Honestly, KB is a great place to come and read stories, look at porn on the cheap instead of buying a magazine which you only buy for the pictures.  Get some kleenex and lotion and get your jollies in the stories here.   There is nothing wrong with masturbation.  I did it a LOT over a 10 year period where very few guys came into my life.

#3.  Be her friend.  Don't be distant.  In bed tell her you want to cuddle.  Tell her you at least need some physical interaction if not sex.   Hold hands with her.  No matter where you are.  It will do a lot for your mental health.  Compliments go a long way to.  Genuine compliments.  You look great.  Dinner was fantastic.  It was a long day and I'm just happy to be home to you.   Thank you for all you do for our family, you work hard at it and do a great job.   You're a great mother.

#4.  DO NOT be mad at her.  She is the way she is.  Just be her friend, that's how you came to be married.

#5.  Mothers Day is this weekend.   Flowers.  Movie tickets (that she picks and you hold hands when you're there).  Dinner out.

Welcome to KB.

[wajohnson12]

Good advice. Thank you.

[wajohnson12]

Thank you all for your feedback. I do appreciate it.

[staci]

One of the first things a guy tells me on these forums is "my wife is not a sexual person, my wife doesn't care about my needs." It always makes we leery. I do believe in your case, it is actual because you have concern for your children.
You received a lot of good advice from others here but one thing stands out. You two need to communicate. What is her reason? Medical? Emotional? or Personal. Do you drink? Do you maintain your health? Do you sweat? brush? shower? Do you pay attention to her? Her clothes? her smell? Her decor? 
Good luck Mr Johnson. just talk to her.

Dear Abby (staci)

[ozjohn39]

I fear it is a VERY common problem.  Some parents seem to be really good at messing up their kids lives with religious BS.
I doubt very much that things will change and with no divorce I suggest you turn to porn and masturbation (or the shower), as almost all men do after menopause. 

[Levorotatory]

Don't blame your wife, blame evolution. The way humans evolved, men's primary evolutionary imperative is to propagate the species, and they are physically able to keep doing this (sometimes with a little medicinal help) despite advanced years. Woman, on the other hand, have the primary evolutionary imperative of bearing and nurturing children, and our bodies begin to "shut down" once we reach the age where bearing children is no longer effective. And for many women, the decline in the physical ability conceive includes a loss of libido. And that's where this common conflict arises: Men want to continue to have sex at the same rate as always, while women do not. So, blame Darwin.

There is certainly a reasonable selective advantage argument to be made for the existence of menopause (investment in older children and grandchildren being more advantageous than having more children who are less likely to reach adulthood before you die).  On the other hand, it is difficult to think of a selective advantage for loss of libido that makes it more likely for men to seek out new partners instead of directing all of their efforts towards existing offspring.  Seems more likely that it is an unfortunate side effect.