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An Unexpected Future

Justmenow · 1278

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Offline Justmenow

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on: October 30, 2010, 01:59:39 AM


I am not complaining just seeking some directions for my future.

We are in our early 60's and have been married over 25 years.

His bladder cancer was highly aggressive but seems to have been found in time.
I am the most grateful woman in the world to still have my husband alive and doing well.

The surgery removed everything.  No more erections and no ejaculations. Ever.
He was sad and grieving for awhile but now seems somehow relieved that this phase of his life is over.
Because he now feels no desire he would reluctantly participate while I masturbated but he appeared preoccupied or bored.
Made me very uncomfortable so we have stopped sharing that too.
He seems to have accepted this change and moved on.
No big loss.
"It's not like I can't walk or talk anymore." 

I was always the more experienced and the more adventurous in our sex lives but he was always happy to join me.
He liked to role play with me and was never reluctant to try something new.
After several years of marriage he cane to understand that I didn't always want or need lengthy foreplay and really just wanted to fuck so he became comfortable with more frequent sex.

As he reached his mid 50's he started using ED drugs.
While we lost some spontaneity we found that by planning for lengthy sex we could really set the scene better. Take as long as we wanted. More elaborate role play.
We would often sit down together and read a story or two on here during oral sex or mutual masturbation.
We really were one of those couples that did have some type of sex almost daily.

Now he is done. 
And regardless of his reasons, be they sorrow or boredom, he isn't at all eager to participate with me and I love him far too much to make those demands on him.
He knows what I want but feels no desire to resume any of our sex life beyond affectionate hugs and kisses.

It never crossed my mind that sex would just end!   Over!
I just assumed it would become less and less frequent until one day we looked back and it would have been months. And then years.

No road map for this trip . No words of wisdom handed down from mother to daughter.

How do I let go of what has always been such a big part of my life?

Do I just accept the loss, grieve, and put my sexual feelings away forever like he did?
How do I do that?

Do I just try to find time to masturbate alone when he is asleep or showering?
That is what I have been doing but it isn't leaving me feeling very happy.
For me, masturbation has never been a solitary activity.

I love and respect him and myself too much to have extramaritial sex. It isn't an option.

Your wisdom and advice is appreciated.



Offline redhatlover

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Reply #1 on: October 30, 2010, 03:31:22 AM
I am slightly younger than you and I sometimes have problems getting it up.  My partner is a lot like you and likes sex.  We have an active love life and do a lot of role play.  When I can't get it up, there is always my fingers to apply a little magic.  There are times when I am not in the mood, but I do try to satisfy her even then.

With the surgery your husband had, I would bet that his testosterone level is very low.  I would have a talk with his doctor.  If this is the case, hormone replacement for him is readily available.  (There are other reasons he would need it besides libido.

I wish you all the best in this.  There should be no reason that you have to give up love making at such a young age-RHL

I am like Charlie the Tuna.  I don't want women with good taste, I want women who taste good.


Offline Bigdaddymmm3

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Reply #2 on: November 03, 2010, 10:31:45 PM
Wow, just reading your story it is very obvious how much you love & miss the intimacy you & your husband shared. I am truly sorry for that loss & it must be horribly difficult for you...... I assume you have had heart to heart talks with hubby about the differences in your libido's & the effect his lack of interest is having on you?
     Sex for me has always included a huge mental aspect, < I just assume that to be true for most of us. After all, our greatest sex organ is our mind. 
    It would also seem to me, if he clearly understands your frustrations, he would want to continue to please you intimately & even though he may not have the sexual release it seems he would still be thrilled by the touch of your hands & lips on other erogenous zones on his body. I truly hope you can talk things over with him to your mutual satisfactions. 
    I worked with a fellow one time who was in his late 70's, that had a similar operation/situation, he actually had an implant installed that he could use to pump his penis up to an erect state & still have intercourse with his wife even though he himself would get no release.
  Good luck Justmenow.... & please let us know how things go..

~Bdm3~

In a place where you can be anyone.....be yourself....you're amazing.


Offline goldfish

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Reply #3 on: November 03, 2010, 11:25:37 PM
I had much the same problem with my wife when she went through menapause.  Been 16 years now.  She is stong minded and has no desire for sex and has no desire for anyone else to enjoy it.  >:( Not even the kids.  She refuses to do anything about it.   :'( It is up to me to find my own releases.