Blonde Jokes from a Blonde

[MOUNTain MAN]

I gotta include my joke:
A blond midget walks into a doctors office.  "What is the problem?", he asks.  "Well, every time it rains, like it is now, I get this burning sensation between my legs."  "Hmm", the Doc says.  "Hop on the exam table and let me take a look."
She did, and he flips up her dress,  partially blocking her view.  "I think I see the problem." he said, "Nurse hand me some scissors, please."  After a few minutes of sniping, the Doc said "Hop down and see if that's better."  She did,walked around the room a bit, felt much better, and asked "What did you do?"  Simple he said,  "I cut off 2" from the top of your goulash's!"

[Pixie1]

 A   Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A blonde girl about 11, opened the door

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The blonde farmer's daughter thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[Pixie1]

A very gentle blonde "Georgia Peach" was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' (ready) to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, ''Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, ''Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, ''I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
 
She said, ''Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumbass Yankee."

[Pixie1]

In kindergarten, five-year old students are learning to read.

A sweet little blonde girl pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

The shocked teacher took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" replied the little blonde.

The teacher looked at the caption under the picture of the elephant which read,
 
" A f r i c a n Elephant "

[DrRick947]

A blonde girl, from Georgia I think she was, was in the hardware store one day and spied an unusual looking object on the shelf.

“What’s that metal tube-like thang up there?” she asks the storeowner.

“That’s a Thermos,” he replies.

“A Thermos?  What’s it do?” she wonders.

“It keeps hot foods hot and cold foods cold.”

“Cool!  I’ll take it!”

So the blonde takes the Thermos home and shows up with it at work the next day.

“What’s that thang?” a coworker asks.

“It’s a Thermos,” says the blonde.  “It keeps hot foods hot and cold foods cold.”

“Wow, neat!  Whatcha got in there?” the coworker asks.

“A cup of coffee and two Popsicles!”

[Pixie1]

It was Easter Sunday and the pastor of the local church was preaching a sermon to the congregation's children.  As was his custom, he would use props to highlight points to the children.  He was telling the kids about how the true story of Easter and the Easter Bunny and Easter Eggs were really connected.

To illustrate, he pulled out an egg.  He pointed to it and asked, "What's in here?"

A pretty little blonde girl raised her hand enthusiastically.  The pastor called on her, "Yes Sweetheart?

The little blonde girl said, "I know... Pantyhose!"

[Pixie1]

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen, the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

The blondes applauded.

[Pixie1]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Pixie1]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

[Pixie1]

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"

The irate blonde was calling the newspaper office, loudly demanding to know where her Sunday edition was. 

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as the blonde was heard to mutter,  "Well, darn. I guess that explains why no one was at church today." 

[Pixie1]

A Blonde ponderable:


Q. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest politician and a blonde are walking down the street. They find a 100 dollar bill. Who picks it up?

A. The blonde, because the other ones don't exist!

[Pixie1]

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer but we have three engines left and we can fly safely."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"   

[Pixie1]

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry
herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state
trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
 
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
 
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
 
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
 
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

[GEMINIGUY]

I wonder if a woman in real life could get out of a ticket or going to jail just for being a blonde...

[Bifunlady]

I wonder if a woman in real life could get out of a ticket or going to jail just for being a blonde...

Showing cleavage or ultra short mini skirts, work 80% of the time

[GEMINIGUY]

But if she's a blonde like in Pixie's jokes she won't think of that.

[Pixie1]

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink and sat on stools watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50.

The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."

But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

[watcher1]

Pixie - this wasn't your sister and you in the bar, was it?    

[Pixie1]

Pixie - this wasn't your sister and you in the bar, was it?    

Pixie turns to her redheaded cousin Sara, "Hey Sara... did you tell Watcher about our bet in the bar yesterday?"

Sara turning scarlet and faining innocence, "Me?"

Quickly changing the subject, "Pix, I'm watching tonight's 6:00 o'clock news.  Want to bet on this police chase?"

Pixie to Sara, "$50 the cops don't catch him!"

Sara, with a smirk, "You're on, my thick blonde brat cousin!"

Pixie, "What did you say?"

Sara, "I said, 'you're on, my thick haired blonde cousin'."

[Pixie1]

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff.

The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.

The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it.

Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling.

So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.

He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down.

He demands, "What's so funny?"

She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"